____ ______ __/ _/_ \ _/__ ________ _________ ________ ________ \ ____)__/ __ )_/ ______/_ \ __ )_/ ______/_/ _____/\ / \) / (/ / ________/ / (/ / ________/ \) / \___ \ /____/ /____ / /____/ /____ /_________/ \____/ \____/ \____/ \____/ \____/ ____ /___/ ____ ________ ________ _________ ___ ______ __/ _/_ ________ ______ ______ / _____/_ _____/\ __ __ )_ \ __ )\ ____)_ ____/_/ ) __ )_ / \) / \) / (/ (/ / / (/ / \) / ______/ /___/ (/ / /____ \ /________/___/__/ /__/___/ /\___ \ /___ /___/ /___/ / \____/ \___/ \___/ \___/ \___/ \___/ ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n i n s t a l l m e n t 3 7 WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL October 26th, 1998 editor: BMC writers: BMC ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . featured in this installment: . THE EIGHT WONDERS OF THE WORLD: . The Pyramids Of Saskatoon . The Hanging Gardens Of My Back Yard . The Boss Mausoleum . The Colossus: Peterson's Reign Of Terror . Artemis: The Temple Of Funk . The Lighthouse Of Pharos . The One About Zeus . The Eighth Wonder . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; EDITOR'S NOTE Again I find myself taking a defensive stance against the sticks, stones, and broken bones of the enemy. "Why are there no relevant articles in the zyne?" I hear that one all to often. This installment, though, features something which all of you will find quite relevant: THE EIGHT WONDERS! Yes, quite relevant indeed. Although none of them exist today (except for the great pyramid, which you will never see proof of anyway,) they are still as beautiful now as they ever were. Though you may never touch the large bronze phallus of the Colossus, you can still experience the magnificence via Neo-Comintern. Paix! ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . THE PYRAMIDS OF SASKATOON . by BMC . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; People in every country think that their system of government is the best. People in Canada always complain about this and that, but there is a pretty strong support for our government. Although people from Albania to Zimbabwe think they have it made, I have the plan to make Canada (and more specifically, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan) the greatest place in the world. If we built a gigantic pyramid in downtown Saskatoon, millions of people from other countries would come to see it. I know for a fact that at least a few dozen people from surrounding towns and farms would check it out. What does this solve? Well, that's a very intelligent question. First of all it will destroy the outdated notion of "monotheism". This solid gold tourist attraction will inspire worship and sacrifices to several gods. Temples will be disbanded, thereby breaking ground for the Communist Global Empire! The pyramid will also make the downtown businesses flourish in a Japanese Imperialism sense. Once the district becomes quite profitable we will be able to fund extensive sea exploration. Don't tell this to anyone, but there is also a top secret high tech science lab within the beautiful hollow gold. Within the laboratory our scientists and alchemists will strive to develop sciences such as plastics, medicine, and the wheel. Why did the Egyptians and Aztecs build pyramids? The reason is as mysterious and controversial as our reasons will seem in the year 2000. Man fears time. Time fears the pyramids. The pyramids fear the Neo-Comintern. ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . THE HANGING GARDENS OF MY BACK YARD . by BMC . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; Last week my brain gave birth to the greatest tourist attraction ever imagined- a hanging garden. I have always had the idea in the back of my mind, and since nobody else has built one yet I can and will claim total credit for the idea. The first problem was to decide what to plant in this garden. I knew that the possibilities were endless, and also knew that the rarer the plants, the more awe-inspiring it would seem to appear to the tourists and vagrants. This would have been great for publicity, but I decided to go with the very practical choice of growing regular vegetables which could be given to charity after the harvest. The second problem was to create an apparatus from which the vegetables could hang. Out of my possible choices of the fence, the roof, or the clothesline, I eventually chose the clothesline. At first I tried to sow watermelon seeds in the fenceboards, but I was unable to till the wood satisfactorily enough to nurture the fetal melons. This made me cry, so I decided to transplant some carrots from my earthen garden to my clothesline, the new "hanging garden". It all seemed to work quite well until I realized that carrots probably need water and nutrients to live and grow. I was just about to give up on the hanging garden, when one night, sitting beautifully above the horizon was my solution. Yes, my beautiful, evil solution. With the new day came a new era: the era of the Evil Moon Inversion Hanging Garden. Yes, visitors were forced to walk around on their hands, and there was a very low roof which would touch your feet. It still looked like the plants were hanging, but obviously nobody else thought so because they threatened legal action against me unless I quit defrauding people of money and having MoON Monstars as slaves working on my new aquaduct. Realizing defeat, I began a new project: gallows. When I was done, I hung myself in my garden and died. ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . THE BOSS MAUSOLEUM . by BMC . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; Have you ever wondered what it's like to die and get buried? Or maybe what it's like to be buried alive? Well how about getting sealed in a huge mausoleum adorned with billions of dollars worth of gold and ivory sculptures? Oh, neither have I. It would probably be cool, though. Now, for the remainder of my years I could wish for nothing greater than a sarcophagus of those proportions. I realize that this dream will never become reality, but I like to maintain that nearly blasphemous notion. Sadly, the closest I may ever come to being entombed in a mausoleum is if I get murdered and my corpse is thrown on that yellow marble bathtub in that guy's front yard. I hate that god damned bathtub. Though hate it as I may, it will likely be my container in the afterlife. The bossoleum. At least if they throw me in that shitty bathtub I can have a bathtub race across the River Styx. Maybe if I'm lucky I can even go sailing with Persephone or Cerberus or something stupid like that. I can't express, though, how much I absolutely hate that bathtub. Every day I walk past it twice, and it angers me. I understand that the guy is working on his house, renovating and what not, but can someone tell him to get that christ forsaken bathtub out of his front yard before he becomes my first victom?! In closing, the mausoleum is cool. Even if today's version is only a yellow marble bathtub in that guy's yard. ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . THE COLOSSUS: PETERSON'S REIGN OF TERROR . by BMC . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; Way back in the day, the city of Rhodes Greece decided to build a huge monstar named The Colossus. The beast was over 100 feet tall, modeled after a Greek god (either Helios or Apollo, depending on who you ask), and cast in bronze. For the citizens of Rhodes, the Colossus seemed an eternal patron of freedom and peace. About fifty-three years later, the Colossus was struck by tragedy. Peterson. What happened, you ask? Well, one day it was just gone. Nobody knows for sure, but the records seem to state that one day the sky turned black for eight hours, and when light returned the statue was gone! The next day the centurions found tiny black paw prints at the base of the statue, along with a tiny black cat which was never seen in the village before. That is one theory. In reality, though, there are very few things that we know about that era in history. One thing we may be able to believe is that Peterson's origin was as The Colossus! Since then it has been general knowledge which has travelled from Ancient Greece to North America. Indeed, there is a creature in existance which is blacker than night, and will either beg or kill in it's quest for copper. Will The Colossus ever return? Only when his vast mines of copper are overflowing. Why copper? Copper is a chief ingredient in the making of bronze. You may have been wondering why Peterson has only been collecting copper, but by now you must also realize that his "heart" is actually one-hundred and twenty-two THOUSAND pounds of steel. Mystics say there is no proof, but some scientists believe that when Peterson aquires enough copper, he will return to his colossal form and kill everyone who has wronged him (and also torture their families). Peterson also inspired the Statue of Liberty to come back to life for a week or so back in '99, and if you don't believe me check the record books. In closing, I would like to say that this world wonder can presently be seen at Komrade B's house or in his neighbourhood. The End. ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . ARTEMIS: THE TEMPLE OF FUNK . by BMC . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; Oh, and I almost forgot the other purpose of The Temple Of Artemis. Do you remember back in the 500's (bc) when we held all night raves in ole Ephesus? And we dropped ecstacy with some of the biggest art fags of the day, such as Pheidias, Kresilas, and Phradmon, as they carved and created beautiful statues. You know, I remember the time we had the rave of all raves. It went from about 130 to 262 (ad), isn't that right? I think a bunch of goths showed up or something, didn't they? Oh yeah, that's right, there were all these goths showing up and spoiling the fun by listening to Chris Sheppard remixes of Bauhaus. Oh, well, that was quite the rave anyway. The thing I remember the most, though, was the innocence back then. Is it just me, or has the world changed in the past 2500 years? For the first few years of my life, which I spent building pyramids and stonehenge, it all seemed so new and I was quite innocent. Then I grew up, but it was always fun because I never ceased to explore the world. Yes, I had a hand in all of the seven wonders, but did you know about the eighth wonder, the planet of pluto? Yes, I built that too. It used to be where North America is now, but they made me move it so people could live in the crayter. That was the wonder that failed, so I threw it into space. Anyway, after all of the wonders had been built, I just had to stick around in my temple of Artemis for some stupid reason. Yep, So I spent the next seven hundred years or so raving and heavily overindulging in drugs. After that, it wasn't very fun anymore. What have I been doing since then, you ask? Well, let's just say I've been keeping busy. I've been busy, doing stuff like....umm.....hmmm......mmmm......erh..... I have to go now. ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . THE LIGHTHOUSE OF PHAROS . by BMC . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; The Pharos Lighthouse existed many years ago, and it was considered to be one of the seven wonders of the ancient world, or the one wonder of the seven ancient worlds as the Malasians say. But one day it was gone, and now I have it in my pocket. When Rick Moranis starred in my autobiographical movie, "Honey I Shrunk The Lighthouse of Alexandria", he insisted on improvising every scene to the point where it wasn't even about the lighthouse anymore. "Honey I Shrunk The Kids" was the new name, and before you know it, Peter Scolari was all over me trying to get the TV leading role. Well, now that they had ruined that story of my life anyway, I decided to hand the director's chair over to Ron Jeremy and start fresh with my new autobiography "Honey I Blew Up The Moon!". Anyway, this is the story of the Alexandria (Pharos) Lighthouse. It was built back in about 300bc (or three hundred years before god, for those who know). BRAAAIIIIIIII!!!! Ahh, now that that's off my chest, there is still the issue of my grandfather. Yes, a large statue of King Poseidon adorned the summit of the great lighthouse. This alone was enough to give me the right, the responsibility, to destroy it! First I went up to the tower and started kicking and punching it, but alas, I wound up breaking both hands and feet. During the next three years which I spent recovering, I designed the greatest robbery and escape ever concieved by demigod. My next plan was to build a very large trap and lure the lighthouse into it. I tried to bait it with scraps of meat, but it's will was stronger than my patience. 300 years and 300 fouled plans followed. Eventually, failing to design a proper plan to topple the tower, I called on my Uncle Zeus to destroy the it on behalf of his failure of a nephew. Not only did he destroy it, but he also asked Hesphaestus to build me a miniature model of it as a momento. And now it's in my pocket, so no, I'm not just happy to see you. ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . THE ONE ABOUT ZEUS . by BMC . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; Where have all the children gone? Long time passing. Anyway, it seems like when I was a kid, there were way more children in the world. Adults were much smarter than kids, and life was more colourful and interesting. Then, one day these kids started appearing who seemed to know more than I did when I was their age. It seems like kids are going into certain experiences earlier all the time. People in elementary school are doing drugs and having sex, but we weren't even dating yet when I was that age. Because of these early life experiences, kids have a fuller understanding of the world than we must have. The shoes, for example. I've said it a hundred times, but todays kids realize that the shoes don't make them run faster. Sometimes the kids try to exceed their limitations, though, and of course it is our purpose as adults to teach them as they they make their mistakes. As the children get older, they seem to understand as many of the world's wonders as the adults do. However, one thing the kids still don't understand is when I give them the back of my hand. P.S. Zeus ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: . THE EIGHTH WONDER . : . . . . . . .. ...................................; (PRAISE FOR THE COMINTERN) "Dang! That sure is a magazine! I like it even better than the Quazi-Comintern." -Jim Knopf, programmer of utilities such as "Onics" "Damn them Fascists" -J.H. "keep up the good work (and please leave my kneecaps, I've grown rather attached to them)..." -Sleepy Cat Summer, creator of "Popstar" "The Cast of The Comintern is Cool!" -Jason, age 13 "I appreciate the efforts of N-Com to educate people about Shareware and its many many authors." -William Soleau, creator of "Boloball" " Poetic!" -D.K. "The Comintern is the champagne of literature"-BMC "A tiny BBS could use an attraction like The Comintern" -J.E.J. "Magic on the screen"-Komrade B " Well, none, but the Comintern is cool!" -Demon Knight "It interested me greatly to read the two articles you wrote concerning Communism and ignorance inside the financial class system. It was intriging and refreshing." -Lord Chunderspew "If you want anyone to , I'd do it." -The Denominator ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website http://www.sfn.saskatoon.sk.ca/~ad357 | | Email BMC at manta1@hotmail.com | |___________________________________________________| ::::::::.:::..::...:.... ... .. . . .. ... ....:...::..:::.:::::::: #37-10/25/98 Copyright 1998 N-Com All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. Unauthorized use of any part of document is prohibited. All Rights Reserved.