;P"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n d' . ,d' , ;P qnnp . DbnnndP.b. ,d',d' d . ;P qnnp qnnb d' d' ;P ,P ,P' ;b. ,d',d' d d' `b """ ;P d' ;P"""d' d"""' d'b ;P ,P ,P',P ,d `3. d' d' ;P ;P d' ;P `bd' d"""' d' ;P' `v ;P `q `q d' d ;P ;P d';P d' d' ` `v d' `O `q d' `q d' qnnb ' `v `v ;P"""""""""""""" "" " " " d' `b . .d . d' . ,P ,d qnnb ;P `' ;P ,d' qnnp c& ;P d' d' `b ;b. ,d' ;b.;b. ,d' DbnnndP,d' d ;bd' b. ;b. ,d' ;P ,P ,d d'b. P;P d' d'b.;P d' ,P ,P' db.,d' d'b ;P `q d' d' ;P';P `b' d' ;P ;P `bd' ;P d' d"""' ;P "q ;P `bd' `q d' ;P d' d' ;P d' d ;P `3. d' ;P d' d' `b d ;P `v `q d' `" `v `q d' `b .d&&&v&&&b.`v.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&bnd&&b.`v .d&&&&&&b.`b `&&&&&&&b. `b t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 8 0 WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL - LANOITANRETNI ht5 EHT ERA EW October 22nd, 1999 - 9991 ,dn22 rebotcO Editor: BMC - CMB :rotidE Writers: - :sretirW Cog - goC Komrade B - B rdarmoK BMC - CMB d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P Featured in this installment .b $ $ $ How To Eliminate Unemployment In Eastern Canada- Cog and BMC $ $ Voyage From Atlantis c.viii- Komrade B $ `q p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' EDITOR'S NOTE What can be said? I am proud of this issue! Well, actually that is not completely tue. I am much more proud of the first article than I am about the second one. Maybe that is because the second article is nothing but a series of humiliations that I suffer at the cruel hands of Komrade B. He is cruel. I'm not proud anymore, I'm just mad. Fick. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P HOW TO ELIMINATE UNEMPLOYMENT IN EASTERN CANADA .b `q by Cog and BMC p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Every year hundreds of thousands of Maritime fishermans are unemployed, and nearly half a million people are sitting in their basements, listening to Ashley MacIssac and crying. They sit there pining for the chance to reverse the decision that thrust Canada's enemy (the maritimes) into the Canadian confederation in the 1970's. It seems that although the fish swim free in the boundless ocean, these fishermen do not. In fact, they do not do anything. Ten months of the year these people are as an untapped well just waiting to be pumped. If only someone could come up with a way to keep these good folk as busy and miserable as they are the rest of the year... So why not force them to work all year round? It seems to work with prisons and concentration camps, so why not apply the same physics to the fisherman? Jesus had this idea in about 0 AD when fishing limits were created for the Dead Sea, so he took some 13 unemployed guys and made them "fishers of men." One was under the legal weight, though, so they had to throw him back and drown hin (and kill him). Then there were 12 apostles, just like the 12 months per year that our fishermen will be forced/allowed to work. No less, no more. "But how do we do it," asked Liberal MP Herb Gray in a recent parlimentary session. The answer is simple. We do it with the introduction of "MerryTimes" (a clever play on the word "Maritimes"), a region-wide amusement park spanning every square inch of land and water in the four maritime provinces. The forests will be felled, the mountains crushed, and houses will be destroyed to make this, the "Park of Parks." "But just imagine the FUCKING tourism it would create," said Prime Minister Jean Chretien. Aside from standard rides, such as the "ferris wheels" and the "bumper car," they would feature haunted houses and ghost towns (where the people used to eat and sleep until they were allowed to work 24 hours a day). They would also have the underwater "Fish-Go-Round," where kids would hold their breath for 5 minutes as they sit on a lawn chair nailed to a blue whale. This would be fun, and the parents could spend a romantic evening in the Screech Gardens. As the evening went on, the patrons would drink Screech and watch a one-man show peformed by Screech. The sheer enormity of the park (nearly a million square miles) would undoubtedly draw tourists from around the globe. It might take a few years for word to get out, mind you, because the impossible sum of money to be used in building the park would leave nothing for advertising. Upon realizing this, park officials have created the "Tell a Friend" program. Under "Tell a Friend" legislation, a visitor to the park will be detained in a windowless cell. The visitor will not be allowed any food, water, or permission to discharge urine. The room will be furnished with nothing but a phone that features unlimited long distance calling. Then the patron can call friends, family, etc., and convince them to travel to MerryTimes. The customer will not be allowed to leave until the friend has arrived, and to increase the suffering they will be forced to listen to a MIDI of "Fortune Teller" by Bobby Curtola at a decibel level exceeding human comprehension. Upon the friend's arrival at the park, the prisoner will be free to leave after a stern beating, a removal of all personal belongings, and a complete shaving of body hair. After a few years of this, business will start to pick up. It is projected, though, that it may take up to 40 years for the business to begin to thrive. Until then, business is expected to be slow, and the company may actually lose money in the first few years when they are running empty rides, non-stop, 24 hours a day. The park will have to be government subsidized in what one electrical engineer refers to as, "the greatest misuse of power since John F. Kennedy's presidency." This will "put us off a few strokes," as the philosophists say, but when we work our way out of it the rewards will be that much sweeter. Another feature of the park will be the sale of trinkets and candy. After riding the "Old Fishernman's Bouncing Knee," you can reward yourself with some salt water taffy, sea salt and vinegar chips, and a tall, cool glass of salt water. Canada's economy will boom and we can finally begin production on the three cent coin. Oh fuck. I just thought of something else. The fisher-men are only unemployed during the winter. This could cause a problem. And because it would be difficult to guess at what kinds of difficulties this would cause, we fired up the old time machine and leapt 10 years into the future. We spent a day in MErryTimes and it was (to our surprise) a Great DeliGhT! The atmosphere was lovely. Grizzled, miserable-looking fishermen were everywhere. Some were even holding signs that said funny things like "Help," "Suicide," and "BEWARE!" Cog went straight for the "Fish-Zipper" (which was just like the regular Zipper, but it smelled like fish and tasted like chicken). "Imagine the thrill of riding the Zipper in minus 40 degree weather," exclaimed Cog as he boarded and the door was padlocked. He licked the restraint bar and got his tongue stuck, and then he gave us the thumbs-up sign as the ride started. As the gears started turning, legend has it that a scream was heard. It seems like a Zipper running in conditions like that generates a wind-chill of like 5000 or something. When the ride came to a stop, a pry bar was used to remove Cog from his personal winter hell. His lips were blue and his eyes were glazed, so we drew lots to see whether or not we would give him CPR. Komrade B won, so we set him ablaze, and he promptly awoke. While this was happening, BMC snuck away to go on his favorite ride, the "Fish-Go-Round." The pond was frozen over, so he just sat on top of the ice in the fetal position and shivered. This made the whale mad, and it climbed out of the ice and told him to leave. Suddenly the ice broke, and BMC went under. A few hours later we recovered his body, and though he wanted to do it again we wouldn't let him. It was nearly 4:00, and Gnarly Wayne was steaming because he wasn't drunk. While Gnarly Wayne headed to the Screech Gardens, Komrade B struck out on his own as well. He went to the "Fish Pond," and when he arrived he was met by the Minister of Fiusheries (Herb Gray), who told him that since the prizes were being depleted faster than they could be replenished, a limit of one try per year had been imposed. Since it took 3 wins to qualify for the big prize, Komrade B bought a ticket and gave it his all! He caught a minnow- 3 points! While he waited for his second try he decided to check out the haunted houses. Everybody else was having fun, and Gnarly Wayne was in the Screech gardens. He drank Screech until he passed out, and then he was drugged and sodomized by Screech. The next morning we all awoke in a cell together. Gnarly Wayne was drunk and throwing up, Komrade B was covered in blood and human feces, Cog was breathing shallowly, and BMC was alert and ready to face the day. We attempted to get back to the time machine, but we were informed that we must take part in the "Tell a Friend" program. We didn't know anyone in the future, so we just dialed random numbers while the swinging sounds of "Fortune Teller" gently mocked us. A few months later, we finally got someone to help us out of there, and we went back to the time machine to come back to 1999. The End (P.S. Some vandals broke the time machine so we had to walk back) d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P VOYAGE FROM ATLANTIS (chapter viii) .b `q by Komrade B p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' As failure after failure added up and BMC's constant harassments were starting to wear on the crown prince. Kilimanjaro was a chance to set it all straight. Those caves are located near the ruined city of Ry'leh and are said to be home to the foulest of sea creatures including giant squids. Remenants of the Juniper invasion had come to settle in those dusky crags under the stern rule of warlord Emperor Jenghis Khan. Jenghis was an enemy of the crown and had on many occaisions caused the royal court of Atlantis undo grief. The Marquis new his weakness and had exploited it on several occasions. For Jenghis craved one on one sword duels, and Prince Komrade B was the finest swordsman in the galaxy. Plans sifted through B's mind as he planned for his battle. Although at this point it must seem to you the reader that BMC serves no purpose whatsoever in this quest. Rest assured he will play a very critical role. One in which he is very adept. After driving perfectly to the Caves of Kilimanjaro. B backed handed his brother and reminded him of the price of failure. "Your charge of these missions has met with complete failure on several occasions. Now do as I say, and do not fail me lest my blade pierce your flesh instead of spanking your backside." BMC winced at the thought of those public humiliations at the hands of his gallant brother. To this day no mermaiden in Atlantis can talk to the cmb without giggling. As they approached the caves they saw there first signs of the enemy. BMC did as told and stood silently and grimly awaited his task. B raised his hand and bellowed. "Halt foul Junipers I come calling quarter to Jenghis and bespeak a challange him to a sword duel. I have observed the warriors right of passage and bring a token of that right." With that BMC sobbed and looked longingly at his brother, but he would see no pity there. Father needed them to suceed and BMC's rather mean spirited attitude were more then unbearable. This would do him some good anyways. As the guards took his brother away he could not help but shake his head at the strange custom observed by every creature in the sea, and which he himself had taken part in as custom demanded. As is tradition in the sea all visitors must offer a gift of sodomy to the host and this was such an occasion. Alas with thoughts on his poor brother. B got lost and ended up back at the boat. To embarrased to go talk to the guards he waited inside until BMC came back and they were forced to leave...... .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 1999 by The Neo-Comintern #80-10/22/99 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.