;P"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n d' . ,d' , ;P qnnp . DbnnndP.b. ,d',d' d . ;P qnnp qnnb d' d' ;P ,P ,P' ;b. ,d',d' d d' `b """ ;P d' ;P"""d' d"""' d'b ;P ,P ,P',P ,d `3. d' d' ;P ;P d' ;P `bd' d"""' d' ;P' `v ;P `q `q d' d ;P ;P d';P d' d' ` `v d' `O `q d' `q d' qnnb ' `v `v ;P"""""""""""""" "" " " " d' `b . .d . d' . ,P ,d qnnb ;P `' ;P ,d' qnnp c& ;P d' d' `b ;b. ,d' ;b.;b. ,d' DbnnndP,d' d ;bd' b. ;b. ,d' ;P ,P ,d d'b. P;P d' d'b.;P d' ,P ,P' db.,d' d'b ;P `q d' d' ;P';P `b' d' ;P ;P `bd' ;P d' d"""' ;P "q ;P `bd' `q d' ;P d' d' ;P d' d ;P `3. d' ;P d' d' `b d ;P `v `q d' `" `v `q d' `b .d&&&v&&&b.`v.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&bnd&&b.`v .d&&&&&&b.`b `&&&&&&&b. `b t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 9 1 WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL - LANOITANRETNI ht5 EHT ERA EW January 4th, 2000 - 0002 ,ht4 yraunaJ Editor: BMC - CMB :rotidE Writers: - :sretirW Margarina Cataclysma - amsylcataC aniragraM Gnarly Wayne - enyaW ylranG Komrade B B edarmoK BMC - CMB d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P Featured in this installment .b $ $ $ Margarina Cataclysma's Advice Column $ $ Fun Things To Do With Monsters- Gnarly Wayne $ $ My Conversion to Judiasm- Komrade B $ $ My Night With The Beautiful Stranger- BMC $ `q p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' EDITOR'S NOTE This is a very special issue for many reasons. First of all, it contains four entertaining articles, and if I lie may I be beaten with a willow switch or a will 'o wisp or a willowcrisp... whatever is handy. After that you can pull down my pants and flog me with a firehose. So just trust me, these articles are pretty good or I wouldn't even be wasting good bytes of my webspace on them. There were a couple bad articles that I had one time that I didn't put in here. Trust me on that. Oh jeah, another special thing is that Komrade B's last article is in this issue. It discusses how he found religion just a month before he tragically died. As always, Komrade B, this issue is dedicated to you and we will miss you. At least it is nice that we are making money off your death. Have you ever found or bought a monster and been unable to think of something to do with it? It happened to me one time when I acquired a young goblin named Gobbie Gee. Well if I had that problem again today it would be no big deal, because Wayne has made a comprehensive list of things to do to monsters of every type. This is the kind of article to print and stick in the folder for "in case of an emergency." Oh on New Year's Eve there was a riot between the anti-Y2K squad and the pro-year-2000 organization. They clashed in the streets as the anti- Y2Kers chanted "Y2K Go Away" and the pro-year-2000s screamed "Yaaay Y2K!" The conflict was ended at midnight when both groups fell silent and surrendered themselves to the police. 8 people were killed, including two bypassers and a news reporter. One of the victims was a 3 year old girl. In this issue Margarina gits busy once again with her new feature that she calls an "advice column." I have never heard of this before so it must be a completely new idea. Margarina gives good advice. One of the people whose question she answered ending up committing suicide, but I think that was a coincidence. It was me. Other than that, we just have a great issue here and it will probably be our last as well. Peace. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P MARGARINA CATACLYSMA'S ADVICE COLUMN .b `q by Margarina Cataclysma p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Dear Margarina, I have no effing clue what I want to be when I grow up. Can you recommend any good ways to go about finding my calling in life? -Scrilla Tee Dear Scrilla, There is only one way to find out for certain what you want to be when you grow up. It is a 4 step process. Step 1: Register for an early morning class in Calculus. Step 2: Go to class all the time, except when you feel like sleeping in. Write down all of your homework assignments and schedule an uninterrupted block of time each day to do calculus problems. Step 3: Pay attention to what you do to waste time in order to avoid your calculus homework. If you find yourself tidying up around the house, then you are destined for house wifeliness. If you hang around bars meeting boys, you should look into prostitution. If you doodle in the margins of your book, you should kill yourself now rather than waste all that money on art supplies. If you actually like calculus then you have more options but they are really boring, but more power to you, I suppose. Step 4: Drop the calculus class, you know more than enough already. Remember above all else that it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you do it for me. Love, Margarina Dear N-Com... ever since the earliest issues I've had the biggest crush on Komrad B. I think he is soooooooooooo hot, he gets me REALLY bothered. Anywhoooo, I was wondering what words of advice you have for me so that I can get Komrad to bend over a long walnut table and get ready for the reddest time he'll ever have. I want it to be sweet, sensuous, and most of all, big. PS: Please don't show this to him. =) -B-Funk Dear B-Funk, How did you know my secret desires? Oh my delicate flowering psychic walnut lip gloss, meet me under the banyan tree at midnight. Remember to bring little Snoopy. Love, Komrad B How can a person fall in love with two people... -anonymous Hello Mr. or Miss No Name, Ok, it's like this: there are more than 2 people in the world and only 24 hours in a day, so since sometimes people are busy, a person that so-called loves one person who might be otherwise occupied gets bored of dilly dallying and so they begin to so-called love another person. This is all fine and well. Just remember, dear child, that when you fall into so-called love, that it is important to fall into so-called love with a human boy or girl. Interspecies love never works out. Ask my grandmother about this if you doubt, she had a thing with a tractor and it ran her over and broke her heart as well as her back (it was having problems dealing with her affection for some kitchen appliance). But those sorts of things never happen with humans, so you don't need to worry. Love, Margarina "What's the deal with shoe polish colour?" -Gnarly Wayne Dear Gnarly Wayne, I can tell that you are a cynic. But just this once I will explain the shoe polish thing to you: You see, I don't want to talk about it. So that's about enough out of you. Love, Margarina "can i have a corsage instead of a buttineire please?" -Pickled Fetus Dear Pickled Fetus, Of course you may. What was your question again, dear? Love Margarina Ummmm, ok well there's 2 guys that i'd like to be with, one wants me, but he lives 2 hours away, and i'm not sure about the other one, but he has a girlfriend and me and a few girls have a theory that him and my best friend want to hook up. Ummm should i get with the guy that likes me? -Pickled Fetus Dear Fetus, You were never one to follow the crowd, dear. I suggest that you take them both and let your biographers sort the whole mess out later, after you're dead. Now is not the time to ask questions, you're alive and presumably not confined to quarters. So straighten your corsage and get out there and fuck. Love, Margarina What makes the endangered tree octopus nature's greatest lover? We've all heard the legend of the "sergeants of the arboreum" (as the Italians call them), but what is it about these magnificient beasts that has given them such prowess? -Kayaa Dear Curious, I was sworn to secrecy, but ever since I was evicted from the basement apartment of General Arboreum (It wasn't my fault! My houseboy Ted forgot to change his diaper again and it started to bother the General), I have been a bit bitter and aching to tell all. The secret is this: a tree octopus is able to hold a camera, a lily, a jar of peanut butter, a commanding megaphone, a warm wet towel and other things (which I blush to think of and so cannot write down), in its various hands. Also they know how to use ‘em. And there's nothing like a bit of loving in the green green shade. Also tree octopuses look good without shirts. And did I mention the suction cups? Also, unlike my sullen houseboy Ted, they don't dither about the eternal bagel versus donut question. It makes me shiver. Love, Margarina ummm....ok why do I always umm...hmm why don't I know how to say no to ppl? :) -Doughboy2 Dear Doughboy2, Being contrary is vastly overrated. Whenever you are feeling insecure, remember that people like people who can't say no. If it weren't for people like you, I'd have to rinse the hair from my bathtub myself. Fortunately there is my houseboy Ted, who also doesn't know how to say no. I am eternally grateful. Love, Margarina in strip poker rings don't count do they? -Karli Dear Karli, Rings don't count and neither do pennies pinched between butt cheeks. Ever. Things like that basically exist as decorations for naked bodies. Love, Margarina I have a close friend who was hit by a car/committed suicide/was murdered by me, and I am having trouble dealing with it. Is it bad that I am making fun of him now that he is dead? -anonymous Dear I-know-who-you-are-even-if-you-don't-sign-your-name, One time I kissed the statue in the graveyard that if you kiss it then someone dies, and then my mother died the next day. So I'm gonna have to say no. Also for every one who dies someone else is born. I know this is true because Ted's ex-girlfriend got pregnant shortly after I kissed the statue. She actually had an abortion, but that's not the point. The point is I made fun of him because she didn't want his child. Love, Margarina "How did the mummy take a runny shit when he is a decayed corpse? and why was it funny?" -Gnarly Wayne Dear Gnarly Wayne, When people are mummified, they are filled full of different pickling liquids. If a mummy is lucky enough to be reanimated, as so few are but so many hope to be, the sudden shock of movement after millennia of just lying there often causes the liquid to squirt out the sphincter. It has something to do with gravity, and a whole lot to do with atrophied muscles. This is a well documented occurrence. It's funny for the same reason that nitrous oxide is funny. It just is. Love, Margarina why does love make you feel all squishie inside??? -Green Eyes Dear Green Eyes, It is because you are weak and inexperienced and probably you've never watched the learning channel's dating story show. To overcome these nauseating feelings, you must enroll in a strict military college. I am sure that the phone book has listings for a military academy near you. Another thing that works is to date someone who you hate and then after years and years of that, the revulsion will wear you out and you won't be able to feel anything at all, let alone tender things like squishie feelings. Love, Margarina "my friend had really bad taste in clothes and wears an ugly yellow hat to school every day. Should I have sex with him?" -Cog Dear Cog, Yes of course. Unless it is my houseboy Ted, which it could very well be given your description of him. If it is Ted, tell him that it's time to do the dishes. And hands off, he's mine. Love, Margarina Is it wrong to masturbate to monsterporn? Am I going to go to hell? -BMC Dear BMC, I am surprised that you have to ask. Hell is a really nice place anyway, so don't worry. Enjoy. But please for the sake of humankind stay away from those Playboy Special Edition Lingerie things. They are insipid. In fact that is the only thing that my houseboy Ted can say no to- I have repeatedly told him that they suck but he won't listen. Also remember that hell is crowded, so you will have to get used to sharing sooner or later. It is a good policy to share whatever it is that you are going to hell for with your friends. The additional benefit of this is that when you finally get to hell, you'll be in pleasant and understanding company. Love, Margarina d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P FUN THINGS TO DO WITH MONSTERS .b `q by Gnarly Wayne p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Deadly Pudding: - eat the Deadly Pudding. Gelatinous Cubes: - throw really dumb stuff in it. Centaurs: - ride the centaur. Giant Spiders: - rip off all the spiders legs and roll it down a hill. Snot: - snot on it. It will be happy. Jester of Death: - don't laugh at it. Giants: - ask them "How's the weather up there?" Goblins: - dress one up in a tuxedo and take him drinking. Unicorn: - aid the poor booger. Gnoll: - torture it repeatedly, then try to make it your pet, then get suprised when it attacks you. Cyclops: - talk really quietly so he'll think you're really far away. - punch one in the eye. He will be blind. Demons: - call them stupid and see if they attack you. Demi-gods: - brag to them how great you are. Mind Flayers: - don't let them flay your mind. MoOn mOnsTeRs: - Capture them and give them to Komrade B and watch what he does with them (probably eating them). Toni: - make him walk on edge of the sidewalk. He will be afraid of falling into traffic and then will fall into traffic. - give him cheese cake and tell him there is no lactose in it. Minotaur: - Have him chase you around the labyrinth. You will both get lost but you will have a map and find your way out. Bugbears: - bug them. Giant Ants: - put a bunch of them in a giant jar and shake it up and see if they fight or build stuff. Mermaids: - build an underwater palace for the entire race but overcharge them. Zombies: - play Trivial Pursuit with one. You will win. - make a sandwhich for one and let the zombie eat it. Vampyres: - get AIDS and let one suck your blood. I would be interested in seeing what happens to the vampyre. Please eMail me a three page, double spaced report on what happens. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P MY CONVERSION TO JUDAISM .b `q by Komrade B p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Last week I watched the world premier of Schindler's List. I had seen it before back in high school when it was in theaters. Our entire school went. I watched it, but I am sorry to say I was bored and spent most of my time bothering the guy sitting in front of me by spitting sunflower seeds into his hair. The news media was there asking for the students reaction. I was hoping to avoid the camera. The reporter, sensing this and the natural look of intelligence that my eyes, had thought to get a profound answer instead of the mulititude of "It was horrible", "It was sad", "I love Jews" answers that they had been receiving from my classmates. As the mic was thrust in my face and the question was posed, "What did you think of this movie?" I quickly attempted to give my answer. "I suppose that it was a great tragedy but I don't think the scope of the story was completely met." The reporter gave me a quizical look and replied, "Really how so? What did you find lacking?" At that point I said, "Well how did the whole thing start? The Jews must have done something to piss them off." The reporter was flabbergasted, and I moved on. My interview did not appear in the news, nor was I reprimanded for my response to the reporter. So life continued on for me, neither hating nor loving the Jews. I graduated school and began working. A thought always crossed my mind. What had the Jews done? They must have done something real nasty to demand the fierce hatred and treatment they received at the hands of axis forces. My social studies teacher told me they had done nothing. I said yeah right you don't want me to know. I came up with theories but none seemed to work. I mean if you were going to pick a race to beat up on, the French would have been a much more logical choice, and the Germans would have easily conquered them and subjugated them. The quest continued until last weekend when I watched the movie for a second time. Three hours taught me what all the books and questions of the last five years could not. At that moment I decided to become a Jew. At first things went fine, and everyone seemed to like the new Jewish marquis. I started to grow my hair long and am planning to braid my side burns. I speak a sort of Hebrew tongue that I made up that I call Pig Hebrew. Lacking one of those cerimonial caps, I just wear my touque and house coat all over the place, and I constantly break glass objects, but only in the presence of friends and families. Then one day a woman told me politely to stop. The next day a man calling himself "Rabbi" told me that if I was to continue my desire to be Jewish I should come down to the synagogue and preform the necessary rituals. I politely declined and said that I considered myself more of a freelance Jew, and didn't like the idea of conforming to any organization. Soon though things went for the worse. I was preforming a baptism with some puddle water on some small school children, when I was abducted. The two figures gave me a book of things I must do to be accepted into the Jewish faith, and when I was ready to take those duties to come down to see the moyle who would perform a bris upon me. I was puzzled by this strange ritual and asked BMC what it was. He told me that they would remove precisly one half of my penis, and that would confirm me to the faith. This was not good news. All my useless cheating girlfriends of the past had considered me horribly inadequate and the thought of losing fifty percent more was more then I could bear. So I have a standoff with the Jewish community and I will not relent. I am true to the faith and have even performed some of these bris' on children figuring that they won't miss what they don't know. If things start to develop as I hope (Four thousand years of tradition and faith reversed) I will be sure to tell you of my victory. I also hope that this article will appease The Boss who has stated that I have become drab and unoriginal. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P MY NIGHT WITH THE BEAUTIFUL STRANGER .b `q by BMC p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' It was Christmas Eve and I met him in a lounge. We shared a table and talked. I watched him as he spoke. He had a sophisticated confidence which another person may have called snobishness. I could agree with that, but I would have to add that it was a charming snobishness, a trait that I found myself becoming increasingly attracted to. He was a beautiful man and liked to be told it, but he did not respond to compliments. Though he said he had other plans for later in the night he appeared to be in no hurry to leave. We had several more drinks, all the while conversing with each other, ranting, laughing, and looking into each others' deep blue eyes. As though they were pools I fell myself being drawn in deeper and drowning in his glorious image and rolling in waves as though my soul were an ounce in his ocean. It was deep, and so was I. We had another drink, another drink, another, we had, drink. The room started feeling warm and my stomach also tingled hot with rum. He opened up to me, perhaps unintentionally, letting hidden mannerisms rise to his surface. I observed some of his flaws, the knots in his perfect grain, and they only endeared him to me more greatly than before. No longer a god but a person, I began to feel ease around him and shared some of my deepest hopes with him. He listened and returned wonderfully woven descriptions of his dreams to me. Suddenly my body went on auto-pilot and the alcohol uttered words that my mechanical ears did not expect to hear. I my mouth moved (open and close) and my larynx, lungs, and tongue said, "Don't go to work tonight. Stay with me." Could I have been so forward to a complete stranger? Likely not, but this was no ordinary stranger, and he told me that I was extraordinary to him as well. He drove me home. When we stopped outside of my house I removed my shirt and he took off his red pants. "I've never had anyone do that to me before, he said. "I've never done that to anyone before," I lied. We made love for hours in his sleigh, and then exchanged our goodbyes. "Will there be a tomorrow, Santa? I mean... for us?" I asked him. He said yes. Yes, there would be a tomorrow for us. Apparently we were talking about two different things, because though there was a tomorrow for me there was no jolly fat lover in my arms. There were no presents on the tree or in my stocking. There was no love, there was no explanation. There was only a heartful of regret and a Christmas full of sorrow. No, I was not in love with him, and no, I did not expect a commitment, but I did not expect to feel like this. nothing special. .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 1999 by The Neo-Comintern #91-01/04/00 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.