nnnnnn nnn nnn nnn $ $$ $ $$ $$b $ $$ $$nd$b .d$$b. $`$b $ .d$$b. .d$$b. $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $ `$b $ $$ $$ $$ $$ nnn $$ $$ $$ $$"""" $ `$b$ $$"""" $$ $$ """ nSSn nSSi SSn "Sbnn" nSn `SS "Sbnn" "SbdS" .nP"=$$ $P nnn TM $$ "" `n' n$$nnn $$ .d$$b. $$$nd$bnd$b nnn $$$nd$b $$ .d$$b. $$$nd$b $$$nd$b $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ S$ $$ $$ $$ i$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$"""" $$ $$ $$ "SbndS" "SbdS" nSSi SSn SSn nSSi nSSi SSn "Sbn" "Sbnn" nSSi nSSi SSn .......... ......... ........ ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. . . . . . . . . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... .......... t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 9 6 LANOITANRETNI ht5 EHT ERA EW - WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL 0002 ,ht12 yraurbeF - February 21th, 2000 CMB :rotidE - Editor: BMC :sretirW - Writers: enyaW ylranG - Gnarly Wayne CMB - BMC d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P Featured in this installment .b $ $ $ The DeeJay's Guide To Healing Devices- Gnarly Wayne $ $ The Time I Flew A Plane- BMC $ `q p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' EDITOR'S NOTE I woke up at 4pm today and thought about how demanding life can be at times. Then I had a beer and went back to bed. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P THE DEEJAY'S GUIDE TO HEALING DEVICES .b `q by Gnarly Wayne p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Everyone gets hurt at one point in life and runs to the nearest healer to get aid. But are you getting the proper treatment you need, or just some shitty "remedy"? I'ma break it down like this: Gauze Pads: great for absorbing gushing amounts of blood, but little else. My grandpa was having a heart attack today, but instead of calling 911 like he asked, I put a gauze pad on his head. He died cursing my name. Ranking: A+ Open Heart Surgery: my grandpa could have used this (see Gauze Pads). Seriously though, I've seen open heart surgery and the guy getting operated on gets to watch. I don't imagine that the heart being exposed to filthy air can be that good for it. If nature wanted our hearts to be exposed to air, it would be outside our chests. Actually, that would be awesome. We could get oxygen directly into our blood cells and we could remove our lungs. Then we could smoke all we want. Ranking: B- Band-Aid: just like a shitty Gauze Pad with glue on it. Man, they don't work worth a fuck, especially against mortal wounds. Ranking: F Healie: able to heal wounds in the blink of an eye, regardless of the nature of the infliction, Healie is most likely the best form of healing (and entertainment) there is. You could be cut in half from a Skeleton Knights sword, fireballed by a MagiDrakee, slimed by a Red Slime, or punched by a Gold Man; it doesn't matter, Healie can fix you quick fast in a hurry. Not only can he heal, but talk about looks! I swear his dashing debonnaire smile can close my most mortal of wounds sometimes. Ranking: A++ Salve: I don't what these things are. Are they like Band-Aids or what? Ranking: I don't know what they are. Phosphorus: You'd think that old element #15 would be able to heal quite a bit, but my experiences have usually ended up in me getting hurt more. For example, I had a bad case of tennis elbow, so naturally, I applied some Phosphorus to it. Well, I guess it indirectly cured my tennis elbow, cause my elbow is gone. The side effect was that I got phorphorus poisoning. I don't think I was using it right. Ranking: A Iodine: Iodine is used to test for the presence of starch in solutions, so it can't possible heal anything........ can it? Ranking: D Enemas: Hmmmm... shoving a penis-shaped object in my ass and releasing torrents of hot, soapy liquid. I don't see a downside. Oh well, I guess if it heals, more power to me (and BMC). Ranking: C Cannibis: Though can cure things like headaches, aching joints, and cancer, cannibis's main use is in just not making you care that you are injured. A great solution if you ask me. I remember this time I was soooo fucking high and I cut myself pretty bad, I just watched the blood run until I passed out. When I woke up 7 weeks later, the cut was gone. Behold the power of cannibis! Ranking: A+ Leeches: If for some reason you need to remove massive amounts of blood from your body, then by all means fill a bathtub full of these critters up and jump on in. I don't think this will heal anything unless you have the disease called life. Ranking: C- Alcohol: Talk about multi-purpose! It can cure the body as well as the soul. If you happen to have the blues Just go and buy yourself some booze. Drink it down, make sure you're alone It doesn't count if you talk on the phone. Ranking: A+++ Praying: has this actually ever worked for anyone? I saw a Law & Order episode where these parents didn't let a doctor treat their sick child cause they didn't believe in it. The child only had a rash or a cold or pneumonia or something. And the main characters made fun of them and shit. Jesus prayed a lot and he died very young. Ranking: D- Time Machine: pretty simple. Just go back to when you weren't hurt and make sure you don't get hurt again. If you still do, you are too stupid to own a time machine. Send it to me, please. Ranking: B Rap Machine: recently had a doctorate programmed into him, but I still wouldn't trust him. He has a very ornery attitude and is just as liable to slice ya up then stitch ya up. Ranking: C+ Shaman Dance: tough one to call on. The dances can work quite a number of wonders, but with all the different dances out there, it's tough not to slip up and invoke something else entirely. Like this one time I was out in the jungles, and got a case of acrophobia, so I asked the shaman to get rid of it for me. He started up a dance and I clapped happily along, but I screwed up his rhythm and he ended up calling a plague of tsetse flies instead. Luckily, I had a plane and flew the hell out of there. As I left, I heard the shaman say to me "Tonto, we must be careful of the tsetse fly... one bite..." Ranking: B Torso Fat Burn Treatment: this is where they slice fat out of your torso and place it on the burned area to make it heal faster. That's just great. So now fat people get to heal faster AND the get some free fat taken off. Fat people catch all the breaks. Ranking: C- So there's your healing device guideline. Use it in bad health (no, wait, use it in good health). d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P THE TIME I FLEW A PLANE .b `q by BMC p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' It was late at night, and I took note that my eyes began to move. "Quite odd," I thought, "that my eyes would begin to move at this time of night!" Oh well, you know what they say. Another day, another night, and this night was no different. After my eyes stopped moving autonomously, I grabbed my jacket and threw it over my spine and shoulder blades. "Yum!" I said as we began our ascent into the sky. It was my first experience flying a plane, and I had to keep checking to make sure I was doing it right. First I took off, then I climed vertically until I stalled the engines. On the way down I started that shit back up again, and then I got into the plane. "Damn, man, Mr. MatchMan, it sure is hard to fly one of these from the outside," I whispered into his ear, and, as usual, he told me an amusing anecdote about stuff going on in the office. Sometimes the stories were about his personal life, but usually it was a joke at the expense of the dumbheads that worked behind the desks at the headquarters. I don't know what those fellows did behind their empty desks, but it was rumoured that if they talked, moved around excessively, or even as much as thought about something they would be flogged or fired, and in some extreme cases they would get the worst of both worlds. These were the folks that signed my paycheques, so I pretended to like them and continued on through life in a state of general indifference. Sometimes I won jackpots and sometimes I struggled with bouts of narcolepsy, but the never did I plot against the amazing fools downtown or attempt you form an alliance wth them. Capitalism was popular in that part of time, so I pretended to be really interested in it even though I was lying and didn't give 4 1/2 fucks bout which of the two right wing parties was going to win the next election. Then I was in a quagmire, and then we all went to Woodstock. The End. .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #96-02/21/00 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.