88P'888'Y88 888 $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ P' 888 'Y 888 ee ,e e, $$ 888 888 88b d88 88b $$ 888 888 888 888 , the weekly capitalist electronic magazine $$ 888 888 888 "YeeP" "fucking the world slowly and painfully" $$ installment number 116 $$ August 1st, 2000 $$ Y8b Y8b Y888P 888 888 $$ Y8b Y8b Y8P ,e e, ,e e, 888 ee 888 Y8b Y888P $$ Y8b Y8b Y d88 88b d88 88b 888 P 888 Y8b Y8P $$ Y8b Y8b 888 , 888 , 888 b 888 Y8b Y $$ Y8P Y "YeeP" "YeeP" 888 8b 888 888 $$ 888 $$ 888 $$ e88'Y88 ,e, d8 888 ,e, d8 $$ d888 'Y ,"Y88b 888 88e " d88 ,"Y88b 888 " dP"Y d88 $$ C8888 "8" 888 888 888b 888 d88888 "8" 888 888 888 C88b d88888 $$ Y888 ,d ,ee 888 888 888P 888 888 ,ee 888 888 888 Y88D 888 $$ "88,d88 "88 888 888 88" 888 888 "88 888 888 888 d,dP 888 $$ 888 $$ 888 $$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Editor: The Capitalism Monster Writer/Slave: BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Featured in this installment Innovative new movement challenges legal system - BMC Ask an expert: Environmentalism- BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ MONSTER'S NOTE Well, this week has been extra-productive, but then again, isn't capitalism always productive? I feel great, just great. I won all my golf games and I've been having such a good time robbing people of their souls that time is really flying by. Whenever I get to feeling this way I realize that there are some phrases in life that really should be updated. For example, I'm always tempted to say that I feel like a million bucks but, of course, that would be inaccurate because actually I'm worth much, much more than that. Anyway, back to my good mood. It really delights me to see new converts to capitalism embracing the lifestyle and I must say, I've never seen anyone quite as eager as young BMC. "Ah, yes, BMC," you say, "What has that little sell-out been up to?" Well, there's nothing I love more than watching one of my conquests come into his own as a lackey, so I'll take the time out of my busy schedule to bring you some news on your beloved former editor. We all know that BMC fancied himself a humanitarian, animal-loving vegetarian in his distasteful "red" years but since he's been on my payroll, I've insisted that he eat as all true men do: carnivorously. No lie, HE'S LOVING IT! On days when he's been an especially good capitalist, I even let him murder the beasts himself. Now that gives him quite a thrill, let me tell you, and he's always begging me to let him eat it raw. All I can say to that request is, "When I think you're ready, my budding capitalist." Everyone knows that learning to be a capitalist is an exciting adventure and BMC certainly wants to dive into everything all at once. So far though, I have held him back from experiencing all the glories that my way of life has to offer because I want him to savour each new wondrous moment and not become delirious with the sheer power of it all. For now, I've got him set up in his own air-conditioned office where he has an amazing view and writes with ergonomically designed utensils. There, he is inspired to pen words of wisdom praising the capitalistic lifestyle. The articles that you are about to experience are a taste of the pearls of truth that BMC authored most recently. Of course, at this point, I still make BMC serve a full 8 hour day up in the ivory tower - but I assure you, he does take plenty of breaks and you don't even want to know what he's doing on them. Yep, so before we get to this week's issue just let me inform you that the colour of the week is the colour of money (not surprisingly, the same colour it is every week). So all you communists beware, everyone's got a price and, just like the devil, a good capitalist can smell yours from a mile away. Don't fool yourselves, soon you too will be mine, just like your not-so-"elite" Mr. BMC. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ This week our sponsors are the Sons of Prozac . This is the page where the SoP write their hearts out and produce the most brilliant and meaningful pro-capitalist songs ever written by the man. We get a share of the money from mp3.com every time their songs are downloaded, so go to the site and download each song multiple times. This will get their songs up the charts and make lots of money for everyone. Said money will be used to further promote capitalism on the web, so act soon before those filthy liberals get the upper hand and we are all forced to eat turnips and mud! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ INNOVATIVE NEW MOVEMENT CHALLENGES LEGAL SYSTEM by BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ It has recently been brought to my attention by the executive board that there is an undercurrent in Canadian society that is a growing and soon to be a powerful progressive movement. The issue I am referring to is supported by corporations and small business associations alike and it appears that the growing support behind the movement will make it irrepressible. I'm talking about buggery: legalization of. It's something our society has needed for a long time and, just like Moses led the Jews, the Buggerors United Movement promises to free the upper class from their oppression. The time is now for the upper class (society's only important class) to break the chains of common morality and allow their hands and hearts to move about freely. What the commoners don't understand is that to us a slap on the hand is a slap on the heart. Nobody deserves to be slapped on the heart. Where did we go wrong? Perhaps it all started when we gave safe working conditions to the low. That only opened the door for them to demand outrageous things like wage raises to meet inflation rates! Apparently they don't understand that the purpose of inflation is to get more money from the workers. Paying them more obviously defeats this purpose. I acknowledge that they're too stupid to understand inflation and wage raises but we are the ones who end up suffering because of it. Many people I know have been hit hard because of this gay attitude (and yes, I do mean homosexual because I believe that those "people" are a source of evil and whatever I believe is as good as fact). I know people who have had to put off buying a third mansion or human soul because of this malevolence. And as if that isn't bad enough, to top it all off they took away our right to bugger. They're taking our rights away from us my friend, but, if you look at it the right way (the non-socialist way), THEY are the ones who should have zero rights. If they don't own their own company, then they're too stupid and lazy and irresponsible to have rights. In fact, it wouldn't be an exageration for me to admit that I believe only a certain few members of society deserve rights at all. These certain few include us, the white, male, Christian, heterosexual, English-speaking, Canadian-born, business- owning, peasant-exploiting, underprivileged few. But I egress. The question is this: How do we shift the distribution of power so that the rich have more rights and the poor have fewer? Solution: Let us fill the media with pro-buggery endorsements. We all know that the common man can only understand what is repeatedly driven into his mind, the common woman even less. As the TV shows, movies, radio music and commercials encouraging buggery become well known, our message will be hammered into the brain of every troglodyte in Canada. This has worked so far with capitalism, so why not with buggery? With the passing of time and circulation of materials, our brainwash... erh I mean our message will become an integral part of society. Long live buggery! Long live Capitalism! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ASK AN EXPERT: ENVIRONMENTALISM by BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "BMC, I've recently become an environmentalist and my friends are bugging me by saying that environmentalism is akin to being non-elite. How can I combat this?" -J.E.J. dEAR fUCKIN ASSHOLE, Environmentalism is really stupid. If everybody started conserving and recycling stuff we wouldn't have huge landfills anymore, just small ones. I don't know how you do it in other parts of the world but here in flat-as-fuck Saskatchewan, we keep throwing our paper and glass and metal into a huge pile until it is big enough to cover with dirt and call a mountain. If it wasn't for pollution and waste we wouldn't be able to ski! So to your petty environmental pleas I must send out a big "Fuck y'all!" I have heard it said that wasting the planet's resources will make us run out of stuff eventually but hey, I'm in the top 5%, so waste is my second name (and besides that I don't care in the first place). Even when the 85% known as the working class can't buy a loaf of bread or a scrap of tin with their wages, I will still have enough wealth to wear the finest jewels and feast upon the most succulent murdered flesh of animals! As a final thought, I would just like to say that I think you are fucking environ-mental. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #116-08/01/00 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern/Weekly Capitalist. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.