88P'888'Y88 888 $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ P' 888 'Y 888 ee ,e e, $$ 888 888 88b d88 88b $$ 888 888 888 888 , the weekly capitalist electronic magazine $$ 888 888 888 "YeeP" "fucking the world slowly and painfully" $$ installment number 118 $$ August 16th, 2000 $$ Y8b Y8b Y888P 888 888 $$ Y8b Y8b Y8P ,e e, ,e e, 888 ee 888 Y8b Y888P $$ Y8b Y8b Y d88 88b d88 88b 888 P 888 Y8b Y8P $$ Y8b Y8b 888 , 888 , 888 b 888 Y8b Y $$ Y8P Y "YeeP" "YeeP" 888 8b 888 888 $$ 888 $$ 888 $$ e88'Y88 ,e, d8 888 ,e, d8 $$ d888 'Y ,"Y88b 888 88e " d88 ,"Y88b 888 " dP"Y d88 $$ C8888 "8" 888 888 888b 888 d88888 "8" 888 888 888 C88b d88888 $$ Y888 ,d ,ee 888 888 888P 888 888 ,ee 888 888 888 Y88D 888 $$ "88,d88 "88 888 888 88" 888 888 "88 888 888 888 d,dP 888 $$ 888 $$ 888 $$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Editor: The Capitalism Monster Writer/Slave: BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Featured in this installment Life changing experience leaves man with new dream- BMC Ask an expert: Nationalism- BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ MONSTER'S NOTE "Another day, another dollar." That's what my dad always used to say to me. I always wanted to be like my dad, even though I was a girl and people thought I should be more feminine and take after my mother. My mother did silly things though, like taking care of children and volunteering at charity functions and things - all a waste of time as far as I was, and am, concerned. No, I wanted to be like dad and learn the ways of the mighty business world. I used to sit in the corner of his office and watch the workings of his major corporation - well, it seemed major at the time. Of course, I learned the ways of capitalism all too well by observing the powerful men who my dad did business with and by early my adulthood, I had constructed my own empire and bought out dear old dad. Don't worry though, he got enough money in the deal to set himself and my mother up in a moderately comfortable retirement home and I trust that they're still happy there today. "Another day, another billion." That's what I'll say to my kids, if I ever decide to have some brats. Might as well think big as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to hear any nonsense from my children such as "You look better than money in the bank." No, you can bet top dollar that I'm going to teach them that no relationship, no matter how good it is, can ever be better than financial largess. Yes, I learned all this the day I waved goodbye to my parents for the last time and left them weeping with joy outside the old-folks residence. That was the day I laughed all the way to the bank. It might be true that some people must wait until death to become property owners. I've known a few poor who finally "bought the farm" after a life of agonizing struggle due to sheer stupidity or laziness. But deferred rewards never interested me and so I've gotten to where I am today by taking what I want - NOW! Carpe Diem my friends, that's an idea you can bank on. Instead of a mere copper penny, your thoughts might be worth vaults of gold bars. You see, I like to believe that everybody has an equal chance at fortune; this country was built on men who worked their way up from the bottom - pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps, if you will. I also believe, however, that if you're too slothful to go out there and get a piece of the pie for yourself, it isn't the responsibility of myself, and other success stories like me, to ensure that you have enough to eat, proper clothing, decent shelter or healthcare. All I can suggest to those who feel I owe them a living is, "Perhaps, for you, prosperity WILL just have to wait until death." Now that we've got all that out of the way, let's get down to this week's installment of The Weekly Capitalist. These articles remind me that public washrooms are for the low (good custodial help is so hard to find and sanitary public washrooms even harder) and to be thankful for this wonderful country in which we all live. Finally, a magazine that is both entertaining and informative. How Capital! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ We need more money, so go to the Sons of Prozac page again and download all of their songs again. Alternatively, if you didn't download them the first time then please do it now. As a result of this we will be able to provide you with higher quality and more arrogant articles from the Weekly Capitalist. Now there is a dream turned to reality if I have ever heard of one! Remember, you owe us, so download those mp3s and keep us rich! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE LEAVES MAN WITH NEW DREAM by BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Understatement: Something special happened today. Understatement: Something amazing happened today! Understatement: I had a life changing experience today. I had the washroom all to myself today. At the place where I have to work there are four other men on my floor. (One of them has a washroom in his office but I won't reveal that detail right away because it might make my story sound less amazing.) Anyway, for certain reasons that I will explain later, I have to share a washroom with three other guys at work and at least once a day I bump into one of them in there. For instance, I may be sitting on the can after eating some burritos and fire sauce and someone will come in to fix their hair. Because of this, I will have to sit there motionless for three minutes for fear of what outerworldly sounds my body may produce in the company of one of three co-workers. Anyway, the point is that when I am in the washroom I have to be careful because someone could walk in at any second. That is the one negative aspect of it. There are many positive ones though. One is that the seat of the toilet is quite possibly the most comfortable one ever made. It is like sitting on the throne of god. Well, god's throne is ALMOST as comfortable. I tell you, nothing outdoes this seat. The other cool thing is that when I flush the toilet it is really loud and comparable to opening a window in an airplane. It's that loud. I know that you are undoubtedly amazed by this wonderful bathroom already but I must say, there's more to it than just the toilet. On the floor, there are four different colours of tiles that provide me with amusement when I try to find secret patterns within their design. I have found a couple dozen so far, and I'm sure I will find more in the future. Oh, and here's another plus, the washroom is across the hallway from the offices so even if I were to explode in there it wouldn't make a difference, 'cause just like outer space - nobody can hear you. Oh, there's more, like the awesome-smelling soap by the sink, the two mirrors at different angles (so I can admire myself from a variety of vantages), and the world's greatest paper towels. But I won't get too far into that, other than to say that I love it all. Now all these things, while wonderful, are not really all that important. The important thing is that today I had the washroom all to myself! Yes, it's true - two guys are on vacation and the other one is on an out-of-town assignment! When I realized this, my mind boiled over with possibilities but I knew that eight short hours weren't enough to fulfill them all. The first time I went to the washroom I looked around and realized that nobody would be interrupting me. I made my lifelong dream become reality by pissing in the garbage can. A couple of hours later I had printed off about 100k of text files and I fanned them out on the floor all around the toilet and had a leisurely read for about 65 minutes. Later in the day I took some pornography, in rare ASCII format, to the washroom and proceeded to stroke off to it. This is something I do everyday, but today was different because I did it while sitting in the sink. I wiped off my chin and went back to my office. My boss came in and asked me what I had been doing all day. I explained to her that though I had done no actual work, I had taken full advantage of the empty washroom, achieved some things I had been dreaming of since early childhood, and left the janitor a few surprises. The irony of it all is that I didn't get fired, suspended, or even berated for my actions. I was commended for being a shining example of capitalism. I was confused by this for awhile, but then I thought about the guy with a washroom in his office and I hoped that someday I could do all of my work from the can. The Fonz had it all figured out. You may read this article and think of the phrase "potty humour." Ironic indeed, because when I was writing it I was thinking of the phrase "lowest common denominator." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ASK AN EXPERT: NATIONALISM by BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "BMC, what do you think about the state of affairs in this country?" -Dr. Y. H. Gabriel Hey just face it, our country is the best. We'd be stupid to think that there is anyplace in the world that is as good or better. Look at our neighbouring country for example. Not only do we have a better culture than them, but we could whip their ass at our national sport any day. Sure they could beat us at theirs, but only pussies play that sport anyway. Have you ever noticed that we have the best looking women? Of course we do, they are gorgeous and also more intelligent than girls in other countries. Plus we treat them better because they have lots of rights but still they aren't expected to act in the strange ways that the women of other countries do. Men in other countries don't treat their women as good as we do, and our poetry and music proves that. Actually, now that I think about it, this may not be such a good thing. Perhaps we should remove their rights again. We're renowned for the high quality of our alcohol, and that is the mark of a truly sophisticated society. When we kill our brain cells we do it with great taste and at low prices! Not convinced that we have the best country in the world yet? Well the whole world looks up to us because of our top notch system of government. We have lots of freedom, but at the same time our government is willing to help us and not make us carry the entire burden by ourselves. That's something you just can't get in any other country. When you see our people stereotyped in tv and movies, don't let it get you down. The truth is that we really are all like that, but wouldn't you rather be one of us than one of them? I thought so. So be proud and love this country because even though we're not always violent we are known for being able to take care of ourselves. That means we'll take you out too if you feel sorry for those other guys. Oh, and we have lakes (and rivers). $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ PART THREE by BMC $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Captain's Log Stardate: 1234.5 The Capitalism Monster is keeping me trapped in a cell with dozens of other zine editors. Within this cage we are all being forced to write article after article about the benefits of capitalism. Three have died from severe cases of selling out, but I think I can survive. I have tried to signal my crew to rescue me but there has been no response. I just hope they are ok and that none of them have died like Komrade B did, because the Capitalism Monster probably wouldn't even give me the privilege of expressing my sorrow in a heartfelt article this time. You never know though, maybe he will. I'm sure someone is dead. In fact, I believe everyone was wearing red shirts the last time I saw them! Here in the prison the Capitalism Monster is breaking my heart and I just hope that I can find a way to escape. If my crew doesn't rescue me then I will have to do it myself. For now, though, I will just lay low and wait for the Monster to let his guard down. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #118-08/16/00 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern/Weekly Capitalist. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.