___________ __ _______ \__ ___/| |__ ____ \ \ ____ ____ | | | | \_/ __ \ / | \_/ __ \/ _ \ ______ | | | Y \ ___/ / | \ ___( <_> ) /_____/ |____| |___| /\___ > \____|__ /\___ >____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ _________ __ __ \_ ___ \ ____ _____ |__| _____/ |_ ___________ ____ / \ \/ / _ \ / \| |/ \ __\/ __ \_ __ \/ \ \ \___( <_> ) Y Y \ | | \ | \ ___/| | \/ | \ \______ /\____/|__|_| /__|___| /__| \___ >__| |___| / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ .......... ......... ........ ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. . . . . . . . . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... .......... t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 3 7 We Are the New International January 14th, 2001 Editor: BMC Writers: Cog BMC d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P Featured in this installment .b $ $ $ Jehova Begins With an Eye for Detail - Cog $ $ Think-Writes - BMC $ `q p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' EDITOR'S NOTE Now here's something stupid for Windows people only. You know sometimes a program freezes up and stops responding and then you hit ctrl-alt-del and request that the computer "end task"? How come it waits for a few seconds and then a box pops up that says "program is not responding" and gives you two choices: Cancel or END TASK... BMC- End task. Computer- OK. BMC- Thanks. Computer- The program is not responding... BMC- Yes I know, hence my using the "end task" function instead of clicking the little X in the upper right corner. Computer- So would you like me to end task? BMC- Yes! That is why I selected that option in the first place! Do you get it? Because my computer obviously doesn't. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- WARNING - This issue contains an article by Cog (author of Art Review) that will offend and alienate all readers. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P JEHOVAH BEGINS WITH AN EYE FOR DETAIL .b `q by Cog p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' "So, you know that true G's follow the true God, And that's coming straight at you from the 9-9 to the triple-ought" -The Holy Trinity of Rap There was a time when I thought life was nothing but an encasement for youth and death, and that nothing could escape that barrier; a mark would never be left on society as a monument to your accomplishments. That there would be nothing on the earth to express to future generations the fact that you had existed at all ... except for your gravestone, that is. Now I find that this is not the case! ANYONE can become a figure of societal importance along the lines of, say, your Ghandi, your Edison, or your garden- variety Jesus! It's funny, but necessary, that I should mention the man who beat the fuck out of the Devil and sealed off hell with a bunch of rocks so that no-one would ever have to go there again (Jesus). This scripture is about how to become a member of (until now) the most exclusive club around: I will teach you how to become a Jesus. STEP ONE: "Son of Man" Jesus was known for some stupid reason as "The Son of Man", though God is not a man. I'll state right now that we will not discuss the theological implications of this (i.e, was someone fucking God's prime piece of ass, is God's name Manny, etc.). Weight of the issue aside, this is an easy step to accomplish! Every one of us was created when a man ejaculated into our mother's womb (twat). Some of our mothers probably liked it. I know yours did. Fantasies aside, however, we are ALL sons of men -- some of them good, and some of them bad, but all men. Saying the above statements out loud bring you one step closer to being a Jesus. STEP TWO: "Son of God" More fittingly, Jesus also carried around the nameplate "The Son of God". This one is easier to understand, but for those uneducated in the ways of the cloth, I will explain: One day God was mad about something, so he started throwing some lightning bolts at the earth. That didn't work, so then he decided to flood it. Still no luck. He then built an Ark of the Covenant and put two of each type of stone tablet in it. Almost, but not quite! An idea went off in his head as though it was a mortar fired from BrainCannon; he would throw the Ark at a mountain! That did the trick! Satisfied with his results but not with his aching balls, he walked down to Earth and fucked a woman named Hail Mary up the ass. This took her by surprise, but she wasn't too surprised to give ol' God a rim job. Nine months later, Mary shit a baby out onto a pile of hay. This is the main reason that Jesus is called "The Son of God", but you don't have to go through anything as painful as being sodomized (get it?) by God to achieve our goal. The bible actually says that we are ALL sons of God! Does this mean that God anally rapes us at birth at about the same time he is forcibly ripping off our foreskins? Yes. This is why true sons of God are circumcised, so I would have to say that step two is to be circumcised. If you're not, then what are you waiting for? Do it now as you read this! STEP THREE: "Miracles" It seems that performing miracles is required to be revered as a Jesus, and I suppose I can understand this. A Jesus needs something to set him apart from the common man. My advice to you is this: If you have a talent, or a physical abnormality, or even some kind of quirk ... AMPLIFY IT! I cannot stress this enough! For example, if you can play the piano passably well, then PLAY IT EVERYWHERE! Take a Casio keyboard everywhere you go, and never stop a-rockin'! IT'S A MIRACLE! If you have an obvious physical difference from the bulk of the population (a large mole, ears that stick out, or perhaps a lazy eye) then draw as much attention to it as possible! Shove it in everyone's faces and emphasize it until you are regarded like that kid from Mask! IT'S A MIRACLE! I think you get the idea. We'll test you with the "personal quirk" category, though. If you like eating at McDonald's, what do you do to turn it into a miracle? Simply eat there more often -- MUCH more often! IT'S A FUCKING MIRACLE! Incidentally, if you know some card tricks, you may also be able to pass those off as bonus miracles. STEP FOUR: "Endgame" Guess what? You are now a card-carrying Jesus! So, get out there and SAVE some people! Stick those chrome fish on the backs of every car you pass, paying special attention to luxury automobiles and restored classics with original paint jobs! Burst into churches on Sunday and screech out "JESUS HAS RISEN AND HE IS ME!" with your arms in the air! Go to Israel and see if you can't forcibly get the Jewish people to believe in YOU! Make people eat your body parts and drink your blood! It is at this point that you will find out the sad eventual truth about what must befall every Jesus. You won't be the first, and certainly not the last if I have anything to do with it. Now you get to go home and sit on your father's right hand and let him do whatever he wants with said hand. The only thing that seems to have changed, however, is that people now tend to use a noose rather than a cross for the deed. It is, however, most often tied to a tree just like Jesus was. In closing, then, I would have to say that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Good luck in heaven, kid! d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P THINK-WRITES .b `q by BMC p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Lying laying passionately equivalent on a subversive subverted super-sub- version of the atomic age in a sub-super cage. I say sub super because it is wanting for many things like openness and cagelessness and above all yet below a something undiscusssed, freedom itself. Yes, the very thing that you would have had considered yourself tricked to have learned out for yourself. If I knew this were the case I would never have sold that green couch or the beige and brown daisies that covered it. I could have never asked for more as we sailed the waves of felt, our black velvet painting being the only boat to keep us atop of the tides. Oh the tides, the tides, why the tides turn rise cape crest cover and fall, weaving brown felt with black velvet until the mixture was just so pure that all you could do was tell that they were not originally ones of two. Oh they were, but now they were something more and less it was onder and wiser and younger. All we learn from this, if anything, is that we can not necessarily learn anything from anything. So again we find ourself trapped in that cageless cage, the thing the defies existance, but ensures the constant existance of all things other. Take me for example, sailing brown felt seas in the submarine super subversive subway train of purity and the essence of the word "seek". And here I find nothing that disappoints me, yet here I find nothing; that disappoints me. Yet I'm not disappointed because I am reaching the end, and when I reach the end, I have been told of my story, there will be something wonderful on the other side. So now my story is done and I should be rewarded for all of my good deeds at any time. The End my story is done I am done writing I wanted to use the word ipecac but it is too late there is just waiting left well, hmm... it's getting late here tick tick tick tick- - -. \ where's that reward? I can feel myself getting a feeling of bads. But that's ok, all of my think-writes turn out happy and so has this one, .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #137-01/14/01 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.