___________ __ _______ \__ ___/| |__ ____ \ \ ____ ____ | | | | \_/ __ \ / | \_/ __ \/ _ \ ______ | | | Y \ ___/ / | \ ___( <_> ) /_____/ |____| |___| /\___ > \____|__ /\___ >____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ _________ __ __ \_ ___ \ ____ _____ |__| _____/ |_ ___________ ____ / \ \/ / _ \ / \| |/ \ __\/ __ \_ __ \/ \ \ \___( <_> ) Y Y \ | | \ | \ ___/| | \/ | \ \______ /\____/|__|_| /__|___| /__| \___ >__| |___| / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ .......... ......... ........ ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. . . . . . . . . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... .......... t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 4 4 We Are the New International March 4th, 2001 Editor: BMC Writers: Gloomchen Heckat Margarina Cataclysma Gnarly Wayne BMC d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P Featured in this installment .b $ $ $ Bones - Gloomchen $ $ The Age of Darkness - Heckat $ $ Dinosaurs Will Die - Margarina Cataclysma $ $ Dina-Tiny - Gnarly Wayne $ $ Dinostaury - BMC $ `q p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' EDITOR'S NOTE (please do not read the following) _____ / \ _____/ 0 \__ "Dinosaur with Knife-Hand" / \/ this mean dinosaur /_ \ was drawn by mean Gnarly Wayne \/\/\/ \__ for this mean dinosaur-issue GRRRRRRAR!!- _/\/\/\ \/ \______ \ \ \__ I have also been informed that he's \ \/ thinking "I'm gonna shank ya." \ / / \ ____|\____\____/ / \__ /\ <____||__________/ \/ / \ |/ \ \__ / / \ \/ / / \ \ / / \ \__________/ / \ / \ _______________/ / \ / /\ \ Enjoy / / \ \ / / \ \ __/ / __\ \ / / / / / / / / d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P BONES .b `q by Gloomchen p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' I saw on TV that there is this place where you can go. It is inside and it's a big open room and there are giant dinosaur bones in it! And well I don't know if you can touch them or not because I couldn't tell from the TV. There were ropes but I don't know if that's to keep people out or if it's a line for you to go up and ride the bones. Well well I told Dad that I wanted to go see the bones. See this boy at school Boris he says that dinosaurs are for boys and kittens are for girls. Well I like kittens but I want dinosaurs too. He says that dinosaurs will eat my kittens. I don't want a dinosaur to eat my kittens but I still want a dinosaur. Boris is stupid. I want to go touch the dinosaur bones. I wonder if dogs try to sneak into the big room to chew on the bones. My neighbor Andrea has a dog but he doesn't like bones. But most dogs like bones I think. Her dog is just a weird dog or something. His name is Fred. What a dumb name for a dog. If I had a dog, I would name him "Bark" because that's what dogs do. They bark. That would be funny. So anyway my daddy told me that if I was good and ate all of my vegetables and cleaned my room that I could go see the dinosaurs. Well I like vegetables a lot so that part was easy. I am just happy he didn't want me to eat all of my steak because steak is icky and hard to chew up. My room was kinda messy but I just shoved everything under my bed. Nobody will know! I'm good at tricking Dad like that. 'Cuz he will take me to see the dinosaurs. Well the day that we went, boy was I prepared to go! I wore my khaki shorts so that I could look like I was on a safari. And I wore my pink and purple striped shirt because those are my favorite colors. And I wore my shoes that have pointy toes like Mom's shoes. I was full of excitement. Just imagine, I was going to go see some dinosaur bones, just like they showed on TV! That would be so cool. Daddy packed me up in the car and we drove off. On the way there I saw some sheeps and some horsies and some cows (MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) and I saw a guy who was begging for money. I bet he smells funny. But I didn't try to go out and smell him. I wish Dad would have let me go out and play with the sheeps and horsies though. I would play with cows too but they aren't much fun. This is what cows do: they MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO all day long and stand there. They even sleep standing up. Unless you push them over. Then they lay down and sleep. Okay so we were at the big place with the dinosaurs! And Daddy paid my way inside and I ran in and WHOOOOOOOOOOA there were bones everywhere. I was sad because they wouldn't let me ride the bones. But they were big and scary dinosaurs anyway, they weren't cute little dinosaurs. But they wouldn't eat my kittens, I can tell. Kittens would be like eating a piece of popcorn. So why would they eat kittens? There was some other stuff in the big room and in other rooms like big broken airplanes and stuff but it was all really boring so I cried and cried until Daddy bought me some little toy dinosaur bones and we went home. I was so happy to have my very own bones! Stupid Boris, I'd show him that girls could have bones, too. *********SSSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLURP********* Ick! Then I woke up because Growl licked me in the face! It was all just a dream. I didn't see any bones at all. I didn't have any kittens, either. I just had Growl, my big pet Micropachycephalosaurus. Hahahaha, what a dumb dream. Why would anyone want to go pay money just to see some stupid DINOSAUR bones? d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P THE AGE OF DARKNESS .b `q by Heckat p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Well, let me see, once there were dinosaurs and those dinosaurs ate human meat and drank kitty blood and had a blast. The planet earth was their metaphorical shang-gri-la, or perhaps their literal shang-gri-la, I'm not sure. At any rate, the party was soon over because the world grew cold and dark. Some say this period of coldness and darkness can be attributed to an asteroid striking the earth, but I happen to know the truth. In fact, there was no asteroid in the earth's distant past; it was the sun itself that refused to shine. You see, there was a period in the sun's life when it became self-conscious about being so bright and all. I mean, the only planet it could really see from its position in the solar system was Mercury - and you know what a festival of melt they've got going on there. Well, ok, not melt, but that metal planet is one hot potato and nothing can live on it. So this is what the sun could see and it felt bad - you could say that it was guilt-ridden, but perhaps that is unrealistic because, I mean, this is the sun we're talking about and ultimately it's inanimate and inanimate objects are incapable of guilt. But, anyway, the sun could not see that there was a planet earth out there with perfectly happy bloodthirsty dinosaurs on it THRIVING. So, the result of the sun feeling bad about Mercury was that it decided to get a new set of clothes. Unlike the emperor's new clothes, however, these were not invisible and they blocked off all the possible light from the sun to its orbiting planets. (And no, I don't know where these clothes came from - let's just say God gave them to the sun and this was the sun's metaphorical fall and the clothes its metaphorical leaf). So, the sun lived like this for a few hundred years and was fairly happy; well it wasn't happy because the clothes really were hot and itchy but it was satisfied that it was not doing any more harm to the sweet little planet M. Mercury loved this period of time and it began to cool down and it was only a few thousand million years away from sprouting life of its own. But then came that day when God stopped laughing at the hilarious joke (hee hee look ha at heeeeee that ooooooo sun ahhhhh haa wearing yuk yuk clothes!) and s/he came to tell the sun about its obligation to the universe. The sun learned about the other planets besides Mercury who were really deteriorating because of the loss of its rays (in fact, the dinosaurs on earth were already dead). When the sun was still uncertain of the necessity of its warmth and light, God told it about Pluto and at the news of that cold, lonely, unloved satellite, the sun shed a single tear, ripped off its supersonic-resistant clothing and shone brighter than ever. Epilogue: Because of the sun's determination to be the very best giver-of-life in the universe, humans sprung up and flourished on Gaea. As for Mercury, however, it never did sprout life and it never did forgive the sun either. But, sadly, what could it do? Well.........nothing. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P DINOSAURS WILL DIE .b `q by Margarina Cataclysma p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' One year I was really anxious for summer. At that time I was very small, and my fur was not very fur-like. I was about the size of a mouse, and I had scales. I lived in a lovely blue house with my friend Alexandrine. But in the winter, as you all know, the colour of one's house is diminished by the misery- that is, by winter itself. This was, as you might anticipate, a very disturbing time for Alexandrine and I. I was testy, Alexandrine was a sheer bitch. I was making toast one morning and Alexandrine hit me on the head with her frying pan. I had stepped on her tail, ruffled her feathers. Right then and there we decided that in order to resolve our communal differences, we had to get rid of winter. Alexandrine put the circle rock into the lub-pot. I swished it around with my third claw while clacking my hindlegs together. Alexandrine made a lovely song by rubbing her forelegs against her mandibles. The sky turned pink. I swallowed the fish. We both collapsed in a swoon. Then we got up and ate our eggs and toast. The next morning Alexandrine had opposable thumbs. I had funny feelings where my arse-end had used to be. Alexandrine said I had a walnut up me arse. Then I stood up on me hindlegs and chomped on her head. Accidentally I swallowed her. She slithered down my long esophagus into my cavernous belly. That's when I noticed that I was big. My arms were really short, too, cause I tried to scratch my head in bewilderment but could not. It occurred to me that I'd have noone to play scrabble with and noone to screen my calls for me when I wasn't in the mood for gab. So I mixed up a batch of greasy laxative and subsequently shat Alexandrine out. She looked totally different afterward. Her feathers had all fallen out and her beautiful head-plume was scraggly and wilted. She looked like a bipedal chihuahua, only different. I took Alexandrine outside to rest her in the shade of a lovely fern. She coughed. I figured she was going to die. I was tempted to bite her head off and told her so, but she hit me with some argument re: free will vs. determinism. So I left her there because she bored me. The walnut up my butt seemed to give me lots of energy. Also I was very curious about the innocent herd of sheep over yonder. So I went over there real fast and ate all of them except the daddy, cause he reamed me pretty good. Then I died, and the ram shat on me and I petrified and Alexandrine didn't find my body for a couple more years. The end. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P DINA-TINY .b `q by Gnarly Wayne p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' In the time of dinosaurs, when dinosaurs existed, there was a motley crew of dinosaurs. Theo, Frankie Bee, Shi Ci En Tou, and Larry were all stegasarous and all delicious. They were on the local high school football team. They all had fairly good marks in school and cute, loving girlfriends. And.... they did drugs. Yes, they did drugs. Theo got them all hooked one night when Theo invited them over to play Nintendo, but when they reached for the controller, it was a big bong instead. Theo said "Caaaaammmmmmmeeeeee oooonnnnnn! Just do it!" and his gave them his best Bob Barker smile. Frankie Bee, whom rolls like Gee, said "OK, but only 15 hoots and then we're gone. Get it, sweeeeeeeetness!" Theo giggled before saying "Jeeeaaaaahhh." So, BAM! The dinosaurs were soon soaring with the Pterydactal, way up hiiigh. Wow. I am so with them. Pretty Sue, who was dating Theo, came over to the spot. "Theo!" she said, "Aren't you suppose to be at work?" "Uhhhh.... yeah, but I got off an hour early just to be with you," replied Theo. "It's only an hour though," said Pretty Sue. "An extra hour with you is like an extra 60 minutes," charmed Theo. "Awwww..." said Pretty Sue and she gave Theo a peck on the cheek. Since the measurement of time had not been invented yet, Pretty Sue was confused by the words she had spoken and heard. Theo was equally confused however, so it evens out. They asked Pretty Sue, forced really, to take some drugs. They wanted to see what an O.D. looked like. I think they really were wanting to see an O.G., but I wouldn't be born for another few million years. So as they were wandering the neighborhood, they noticed that the clouds were starting to turn to rocks. They quickly tried to warn the other dinosaurs but the only response they got was, "Yeah, whatever, you drug taking dinosaur." Nobody listened to the group and so all the clouds turned to stone and fell unto the earth, and killed all the dinosaurs. "And that's how the dinosaurs became extinct," said Grandpa. "That story sounded made up and sucked shit anyhow," said the children. "Fuck that noise!" screeched Gramps. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P DINOSTAURY .b `q by BMC p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** DISCLAIMER - This is the biggest piece of shit I have ever written ** ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...so that's when Gustav Frohlich slides me an ace... a real wildcard, you know? And I'm like... shit! You know what I mean? But that's one story and here is another. So I looked out my window, right? And there is this dinosaur chasing after this human being... I won't get into names yet, but trust me this one is important. The dinosaur is looking at the human and then the human looks at the dinosaur and both of them know that the human is going to get eaten. So I'm here in my kitchen... just chopping onions for supper, right? And then I look out again cause the window is open so the onion fumes don't get to me and whatnot... and then I glance down to make sure I'm cutting the onions (and not myself) up... and the next time I look up there's the dinosaur running and the human is giving it her best but shit... the dinosaur is, like, a hundred times faster and if this human doesn't get under a rock or in a small cave or something she's fucked. I hate this. I've said it a million times... dinosaurs have no right to eat humans... they never have, they never did, and they never should. But here we go... and guess where we're going... the human doesn't get away and there's that dinosaur eating the fuck out of it. Oh, by the way, I'm John Growls, a tyrannosaurus... and that was my brother, Moxie... the one who just ate that human. * * * the year was about 1300 or so, and the manjesus decided that it was as good a time as any other to create the Earth. As a result came a big ball of fire (which immediately cooled off into a ball of soil and vegetation with a troposphere and a bunch of iron and magma in the middle of it. There were also lots of human beings and dinosaurs and they were all hanging out in caves and none of them knew each other or what anyone (including themselves) was doing, but some of them were starting to make plans. Though this is the norm in our world, it was outrageous back in... umm,,, the 1300's? There were also a bunch of other creatures that existed but were not important to this story so I will not mention them but to say that they existed. The only important people in this story are humans and dinosaurs, and there was also one young brave named John Growls. He was half dino, half human. The humans referred to him as Big Big John and the dinosaurs referred to him as Dino-Mite. Sir John Growls wasn't accepted by dinos or humans, and his being of mixed descent was only part of this. He was also a philosopher (note: any philosopher at that time was considered to be in league with creatures from the beyond) and him and his brother Moxie would go around and philosophize wildly until nobody could stand it anymore. They openly berated John Growls and Moxie because they seemed evil and did not make their own plans for acquiring wealth. The people demanded that if the brothers did not join the race for survival of the fittest that they must then instead come up with a set of rules in which way society would be run to ensure justice. The brothers went to work on this project, thinking about the attributes of the humans and the dinosaurs. One group was more cunning, the other was stronger. Needless to say, since each group had different attributes, one would be able to become more successful than the other, but it was still not known whether the humans would be able to outwit the dinosaurs and survive or if the dinosaurs would simply destroy and conquer the humans. The brothers thought long and hard about this, and in a month's time they got everyone to gather together in a common meeting place where the brothers would address them with their valuable information about how a society should be run. John Growls went first. He told all of the dinosaurs and humans to stand together, and when they were close to each other he produced a large cloth and cast it over all of their heads. "There," he said, "now none of you can tell whether you are humans or dinosaurs." It was true. The dinosaurs and humans couldn't see themselves and nobody knew which they were. "Now listen," said Growls, "you all know that dinosaurs are stronger and that they can and will kill the humans if they get the chance to, right? Well here's the thing. Now you don't know whether you are a dinosaur or a human anymore. So here is the question... without knowing whether you are the predator or the prey, would you rather have a society where the dinosaurs are allowed to kill humans or a society where humans and dinosaurs live together in harmony and work together to achieve collective goals?" The people were frightened. None of them knew if they were dinosaurs or humans, and they didn't want to risk creating a society where the gigantic dominating reptiles feasted on the bloody, tender, delicious flesh. What if the flesh was their own? It didn't matter how good human flesh tasted, it just wasn't worth taking that risk in case one happened to be the dinner instead of the one who dined. With this in mind, everyone opted for an egalitarian society. The humans and dinosaurs would live in peace with each other! But then it was Moxie's turn to speak. He asked the same question. "Would you rather have a society where the dinosaurs are allowed to kill humans or a society where humans and dinosaurs live together in harmony and work together to achieve collective goals?" But as he did this he lifted the veil from the heads of the humans and dinosaurs. This time there were no spoken words of agreement, only the sound of flesh being torn, bones breaking, and screams. And that's the story of how the humans became extinct. * * * So one time I was writing this story and it just wouldn't quit. Nah, I'm just bullshittin ya. Heh. Yours Truly, Moxie .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #144-03/04/01 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.