_ _ _ ____. _ _ ____. ____ FJ_ FJ L] F___ J F L L] F ___J F __ ] J _| J |__| L '-__| L J \| L J |___: J |--| L ______ | |-' | __ | |__ ( | |\ | | _____| | | | | |______| F |__-. F L__J J .-____] J F L\\ J F L____: F L__J J L______J \_____/J__L J__LJ\______/F J__L \\__LJ________LJ\______/F J_____F|__L J__| J______F |__L J__||________| J______F ___ ____ __ __ __ _ _ ____ ____. _ _ ,"___". F _ ] F \/ ] / J F L L] F___ ] F___ J _ ___ F L L] FJ---L] J |/ | L J |\__/| L LFJ J \| L'--7 / '-__| L J '__ ",J \| L J | LJ | | /| | | |'--'| | J L | |\ | / // |__ ( | |__|-J| |\ | | \___--. F /_J J F L J J J L F L\\ J J L.-____] J F L '-'F L\\ J J\_____/FJ\______/FJ__L J__LJ__LJ__L \\__LJ__LJ\______/FJ__L J__L \\__L J_____F J______F |__L J__||__||__L J__||__| J______F |__L |__L J__| -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 6 2 We Are the New International July 15th, 2001 Editor: BMC Writers: Rickey Petersen BMC d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P Featured in this installment .b $ $ $ How 2 Drive Cars - Rickey Petersen $ $ .5mm vs .7mm - BMC $ `q p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' EDITOR'S NOTE (please do not read the following) I'm stupid and weak and uncreative today, so instead of writing an editor's note I am just going to cut and paste a literary flop that I wrote last week. It is an epic romance, told in three sentences. Citizen Wayne From humble beginnings, Gnarly Wayne lived the first 24 years of his life in relative obscurity. Then he discovered alcohol and became rich in drunkenness. From his great rise to his tragic fall, Gnarly Wayne became a modern Canadian legend, mystifying everyone with his dying word, "Alcohol." ps this is based on Citizen Kane I know this will come back to haunt me someday. I should have just written an editor's note. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P HOW 2 DRIVE CARS .b `q by Rickey Petersen p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' cars are hard driving so i write handy guide for you who want to drive. Is mega tough happy guide and by the time u r finished you will drive like happy racecar jeff gordin dirving a car can take a lot of skill so my first rule is an easy one: practice prcatice practice!!! The more you drive a car the better at driving youll be so drive everywhere no matter how small a drive you want 2 take even if it is up thre street from your home robots dont have to drive since they can fly HOW 2 DRIVE ----------- I) get in car: this is key cuz you cannot driver a car if u r outside of it because your feet wont be abel to reach the petals 2) put key in car start car - this will start up mega power engine go! You may feel a rumble in you're pants from the engine shakes this is normal do not worry. 33) shifter: the car wont go when it is parked you have to unpark it for driving so put the shift lever so that it points at S for "start" then you can go but read the next step closely for now is when you are in harms way for sure iv.) push the gas pedel for going: the gas pedel is the tall skinny one on the right that you push with your foot to make the car go 6) don't hit anythign!!: when you are moving you might move into something else and this is what is known as a wreck. Don't wreck because you can hurt peopel real bad with a big heavy car. If you have a small car wrecking is more ok cuz you cant hurt much with it 7i) steer the car--- you uase the streering wheel 2 steer the car in any direction, if you turn it a little the car goes mostly straight but a little curved and if you turn it all the way you can spin around and around in circles like my dog , Greenspan. 8 pick a place and go there-driving around with no place to go is for losers and burnouts so don't drive unless your actually going someplace cool, don't be a tough guy and ruin it for everyone else OK ix) breaks-youuse breaks to stop the car when you are done driving, it is the pedl that is next to the gas and when you press it with your foot the car stops. See step 6 for why this is mega good super idea 10) you win your a very good driver! If u made it this far without exploding you can drive a car like best drivers in the world, my dad and jefff gorden d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P .5mm VS .7mm .b `q by BMC p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Now I'm taking about .5mm mechanical pencil leads as opposed to the .7mm variety (and when I say leads, I am fully aware that they are not actually made of lead but of graphite, so fuck off). I mean no disrespect to either type, but the .5mm is shit and sucks and if you work for the company that makes these then I hope you die because your existence makes my life miserable. SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP Do you know what that is? No, it's not me wishfully thinking of breaking every bone in your body, it's the sound of someone trying to use a .5mm lead. Even the most aenemic of us tend to break the leads with no more pressure then the vibration of a pulse. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it is impossible for anybody with a pulse to not break this second-rate gauge of lead diameter. In fact, to the contrary, I'm saying is that is it only impossible to break these leads if you attempt to write with them! Or, perhaps, if you drop the pencil or breathe on it or look at it quickly or let the pencil be subjected to the force of gravity. Other than that, this .5mm lead should last you forever, something that a useful (and therefore used) lead could never offer! In case you haven't caught my drift yet, due to my mixture of brutal honesty and bitter irony, I'll say it straight out - I don't like these pencil leads. The only thing that does it for me is .7mm leads. Now that is a fine lead (meaning excellent, not thin). Nice, thick lines, and the lead will never break on you unless you're trying to use the pencil to carve your name into a maple tree. Pine is fine. Did you hear that inadvertent and extremely witty rhyme? That's something a .5mm pencil lead could never do. I made a spelling mistake (now corrected) in the last sentence that read ".5 m pencil lead." Wow, can you imagine that? That would be a 50 centimetre pencil lead (20 inches for all you imperialists). That would be a big pencil. I imagine the lead would be about 50 metres long (150 feet?)! I'm sure that wouldn't snap... but what would I write with it? Oh I thought of something. ".5mm pencil leads SUCK" for starters. Then, with the help of some sort of heavy machinery like cranes and wheelbarrows and shit, I'd write the story of my life across the perfectly rectangular sheet of land that they call Saskatchewan. Then I would have accomplished everything I had ever wanted to do. Then I could die peacefully/commit suicide/be assassinated. It would be a great day in my life and I would have .5mm pencil leads to thank for it all. But I wouldn't be thankful to those shitty leads, I'd still hate them. .7mm leads are better to use, but they cost more and that makes me sad. I urge all .7mm lead producers to lower the price NOW. Make them free, and while you're at it, abolish the .5m altogether. Sincerely, Fuck You note - this story was originally drafted in a combination of .5mm and .7mm leads additional note - since the writing of this article I have decided that I like .5mm leads better now. .7mm leads are too thick and messy. .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #162-07/15/01 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.