_ _ _ ____. _ _ ____. ____ FJ_ FJ L] F___ J F L L] F ___J F __ ] J _| J |__| L '-__| L J \| L J |___: J |--| L ______ | |-' | __ | |__ ( | |\ | | _____| | | | | |______| F |__-. F L__J J .-____] J F L\\ J F L____: F L__J J L______J \_____/J__L J__LJ\______/F J__L \\__LJ________LJ\______/F J_____F|__L J__| J______F |__L J__||________| J______F ___ ____ __ __ __ _ _ ____ ____. _ _ ,"___". F _ ] F \/ ] / J F L L] F___ ] F___ J _ ___ F L L] FJ---L] J |/ | L J |\__/| L LFJ J \| L'--7 / '-__| L J '__ ",J \| L J | LJ | | /| | | |'--'| | J L | |\ | / // |__ ( | |__|-J| |\ | | \___--. F /_J J F L J J J L F L\\ J J L.-____] J F L '-'F L\\ J J\_____/FJ\______/FJ__L J__LJ__LJ__L \\__LJ__LJ\______/FJ__L J__L \\__L J_____F J______F |__L J__||__||__L J__||__| J______F |__L |__L J__| -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 6 4 We Are the New International July 29th, 2001 Editor: BMC Writers: CV.CRUD Melatonin Heckat Cog Gnarly Wayne BMC d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P Featured in this installment .b $ $ $ Riddle - CV.CRUD $ $ Fun and Games for Kids Age 7-12 - Melatonin $ $ Elemental Conflict and the Resulting Strife - Heckat $ $ Riddle-Dee-Dum - Cog $ $ Funny Funny - Gnarly Wayne $ $ Another One - BMC $ `q p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' EDITOR'S NOTE (please do not read the following) The Neo-Comintern Angels baseball team has put together another grand slam issue with a few steals and the occasional strikeout. There are some pop flies and a balk or two. I think there is also a pinch hitter. So come bat with us tonight as we hit for the cycle. So this is an issue where we have determined to write about riddles, for riddles. Enjoy it while you can, for it could be our last (just kidding, it won't, but hopefully it will be our last riddles/baseball one). d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P RIDDLE .b `q by CV.CRUD p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' What is jolly yet exciting, and always seems inviting? ...alcohol. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P FUN AND GAMES FOR KIDS AGE 7-12 .b `q by Melatonin p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' FUN AND GAMES FOR KIDS AGE 7-12 Hey kids age 7-12, can you find ten differences between Story A and Story B? If so, send your answers to the BMC and he'll reward you with a great prize. But remember, win or lose, the important thing is always to HAVE FUN -- preferably by winning. STORY A The alarm clock struck seven and the radio went off, Franco Country Western blaring from the tiny speakers. Albert opened his eyes and smiled. The sun was out, the birds were singing, and yes, he was in love. Without wasting another second, Albert swung his feet off the bed and scurried down to the kitchen, where Babette, his fiance of twelve hours, was scrambling eggs and frying bacon. Albert approached her from behind and slid his arms around her waist, kissing the nape of her neck. Babette tucked her head down and purred like a Siamese kitten. It was oh-so-lovely and oh-so-romantic. "One day, the two of us will be husband and wife," Albert said, a startling confidence shining in his eyes. "We will live together in a little rustic cottage in the Parisian countryside and have nine children -- five boys and four girls." "Yeppers!" Babette added, as she was a bit of a moron. Albert grabbed a piece of bacon and popped it in his mouth, then looked out the window and listened as somewhere down the street, the wail of a police siren cut through the warm summer air. STORY B The alarm clock struck seven and the radio went off, Franco Country Western blaring from the tiny speakers. Charlie opened his eyes and scowled. The sun was down, the birds had long since migrated south, and yes, he was in love -- not with his wife Rita, as one might assume, but rather Babette, the village idiot. "Oh, Babette, you lovely, lovely creature," Charlie thought to himself. "How I long to kiss the nape of your neck and hear you purr like a kitten of Siamese descent." Without wasting another minute, Charlie swung his feet off the bed, scurried downstairs, and ran outside to propose to Babette, barefoot and still in his pajamas. Unfortunately, the streets were quite frozen and Charlie's feet went numb within seconds. He quickly dove onto the hood of a nearby parked car and, clutching his icy toes, sat there for the remainder of the afternoon. Eventually a police car pulled up and Slylock Fox and Max Mouse got out. "Aha!" Slylock said, "It is clear to me that you, Mr. Charlie Spartan, are responsible for the gruesome rape and murder of Mrs. Juniper, the dress-maker down the road." "I didn't do it!" Charlie protested, still clasping his feet. "Do you doubt the Fox?" Slylock asked, raising an eyebrow. Charlie tried to counter the inspector's determined gaze, but quickly broke down and confessed. "All right, all right, I did it! I stabbed the old hag to death! Take me away, coppers! I'm guilty!" Slylock Fox threw on a pair of sunglasses and flashed a toothy grin. "Oh yeah, the Fox rocks," he said, then stuck his finger in the air. "To the Batcave, my little squirrely partner!" Hello kids. Detective Dan asks, How did Slylock Fox know that Charlie Spartan had brutally raped and murdered the town dress-maker, and, more importantly, why didn't you? Dickweeds. HOW TO DRAW A DICKWEED Step 1: Draw a long, curved line roughly six inches long. Step 2: Mirror the line to create a round, phallic shape. Step 3: Ask your parents what "phallic" means. Step 4: Switch over to a blunter drawing utensil, like say a piece of charcoal, or your own severed toe. Step 5: Turn the phallic shape into a dickweed using your piece of charcoal or severed toe. Step 6: Tack drawing onto refrigerator and wait for grandparents to show up for brunch. Step 7: Hide article and feign ignorance when interrogated about the disgusting pollution of your innocent little mind. RIDDLE OF THE WEEK Little Suzie Johnson of Grand Forks, North Dakota (age 9) asks: Q: What has four legs, grey skin, and a long, elephant-like trunk? A: An elephant. Thanks to Suzie Johnson for her entry. We'll be sending her a pair of oven mits and a helmet for whenever she tips over. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P ELEMENTAL CONFLICT AND THE RESULTING STRIFE INFLICTED UPON THE WORLD .b `q by Heckat p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Let's say there are two powerful forces of nature operating in the world as we know it. We will call one of these fictional elements Fog and the other one Clouds. Let's also suppose that these two elements decide to have a duel to see who is the MOST powerful element (remember that even though one is the lonliest number, two can be as bad as one, and this is the way it was for Clouds and Fog). Clouds wants to abolish Fog from the face of the earth so it can look down upon all the happy people and animoes without Fog getting in the way, and Fog wants to abolish Clouds from the face of the sky so that it can stare up at the beautiful heavens without interference. Now the question is, if Clouds uses lightning, rain and hail as its weapons against Fog, and Fog uses things it collects off of the ground such as stones and fossils, who will emerge triumphant? Answer: Neither Fog nor Clouds will emerge triumphant over the other because Clouds will find that lightning, rain and hail are ineffective weapons against an insubstantial enemy, and Fog will discover that it is insubstantial and so cannot use rocks and fossils as weapons because it cannot pick them up. Even once they realize they cannot defeat one another, they will continue to live in constant conflict and bitterness for about 12,000 years. After all this time, Mist will finally decide to become the peacemaker and confront Fog and Clouds about their fighting -- which happens to keep all the lesser elements, like steam and vapour, up until all hours of the night. Mist will come upon the two enemies and remind them that they are related. Clouds and Fog will then make up and join forces in order to take over the world by making it impossible for humans to see on land or in the sky. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P RIDDLE-DEE-DUM .b `q by Cog p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' In preparation for this most riddle-iculous issue, I read up on the history of the riddle as we know it today. I didn't really come up with anything that was interesting to share here, but let's just say I know what I'm doing when I pose a riddle now. What follows is the culmination of an effort I had begun months ago. These are the perfect riddles; the riddles which people at riddle- fairs ev'rywhere dream of knowing. This represents nights awake smoking too many cigarettes and drinking much too much Coke, until my stomach felt like it was full of marbles. Riddles, y'all: Riddle: Why does the wind blows? Answer: No one nose. Riddle: When is a door not a door? Answer: When it is ajar. Riddle: When is a jar not a jar? Answer: When it is closed. Riddle: Why did the hyperactive child take up riddlin'? Answer: He thought it was Ritalin. Riddle: If I had four and gave you seven, and Bill gave me two - How many would I have? Answer: -1 apples. And finally, the best riddle ever: Riddle: From the hunter came forth meat, from the hunted came forth sweet. Answer: A dead lion with bees in its head. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P FUNNY FUNNY .b `q by Gnarly Wayne p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Q. Why does BMC have a penis? A. Most gay men do. Q. Why is Gnarly Wayne so mean to BMC? A. Most gay men are. Q. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A. What? Q. How much wood could a woodchuck wood if a chuck would wood chuck? A. Three. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. He didn't. Q. Frank and Cecil walk into a bar. Frank orders a Pilsner. What did Cecil order? A. Pilsner. These riddles took a long time for me to write because, obviously, I laughed for five minutes after coming up with each one. d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. ;P ANOTHER ONE .b `q by BMC p' `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' Why? -because. .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com | |___________________________________________________| .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b. Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #164-07/29/01 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.