- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - cccccc, ccccc, cccccccccccc, ?$$$$$$$$$$, ,ccc, ,cc :`$$$$$$bc :`$$$$c ::`$$$$$$$$$$$$c`:"$$$$????$$b "$$$$c, `$$h `:`$$$$$$$$c,:`$$$$h `:: ?$$$b :::;$$h`:`?$$$,::`$$b `$$$$$$c, ?$$$c ``:`$$$$$$$$$$,`$$$$c ..,,,:"$$$b `:::` `:"$$$b :`?$B,:"$$$$$$$$$$?$b `::`$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$h:"$$$$c:`$$$b `:`?$$$c`:`$$b:`?$$b."?$$:`?$. `::`$$$$$$P?$$$$$$$$c:`????":`?$$b. ,?$$.`:?$$$h.;,?$$;:"$$$,`:"`:`$$ `::`$$$$$$.`"$$$$$$$h::`` :::"$$$, .,:d$$b`:`?$$$$$$$$$;``?$Fb `:` `::`$$$$$$.` "?$$$$$c, `:::"$$$$$$$$$$$$$.:.?????""";` `:::` `::`$$$$$$ `::"?$$$h. `:::`?@$$$000P?"' : :::::''` `::`$$$$$b `::`?$$c, ::: ""'''';,,:` `::`$$$$$b `::`;" ` ;;;:''' t h e `::,????), `::' n e o - c o m i n t e r n `::::::` e l e c t r o n i c m a g a z i n e n e o - c o m i n t e r n . c o m - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - s u b v e r s i v e l i t e r a t u r e f o r s u b v e r t e d p e o p l e j a n u a r y 2 7 t h , 2 0 0 2 e d i t o r - b m c - - - - ----==={ I N S T A L L M E N T 1-8-7 }===---- - - - - w r i t e r s : a d a j e t j a g u a r a h m e d b a l f o u n i l i n e a r s p i t e m e l a t o n i n b u j o e c o g g n a r l y w a y n e b m c - - - - ----==={ F E A T U R E S }===---- - - - - Top 10 Rejected N-Com Taglines Top 10 Nintendo Entertainment System Video Games by Gnarly Wayne and BMC Top 10 American Poets by Ahmed Balfouni Top 10 Canadian Poets by ada Top 10 Old-Testament Bible Passages by linear Top 10 Super Villains by Cog and BMC Top 10 Random Things by Melatonin Top 10 Favourite N-Com Articles by Bu Joe Top 10 Old School Personalities for Poseurs by Jet Jaguar Top 10 Most Prolific N-Com Contributors by BMC Top 10 Methods of Procrastination Used in the Past Week by Spite - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - e d i t o r ' s n o t e - - - - ---==={PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING!}===--- - - - - Gnarly 1/21/02 7:43 PM sloosh BMC 1/21/02 7:50 PM hey sucka Gnarly 1/21/02 7:51 PM hey weiner BMC 1/21/02 8:02 PM wiggitty Gnarly 1/21/02 8:02 PM ok, enough small talk. Let's get down to business. BMC 1/21/02 8:03 PM certainly. what issue would you like to get to first? the editor's note for issue 187? Gnarly 1/21/02 8:08 PM yeah sure, but I thought we were just going to use: Where? Compton. What? Compton? Who? Compton. How? Compton. -=*O N E E I G H T S E V E N*=- BMC 1/21/02 8:15 PM lol you know what we should do? let's have an IRC conversation about the issue and log it... that will make it like an old school text file, will it not? Gnarly 1/21/02 8:16 PM sure wouold cept I lack an IRC proggie. BMC 1/21/02 8:17 PM can we do that isht through ICQ then? Gnarly 1/21/02 8:17 PM I would assume so. BMC 1/21/02 8:30 PM OK. Since this is a tribute to the old school, we are starting it in a traditionally old-school way. Gnarly 1/21/02 8:30 PM What BMC means to say is that since is an old skool issue, we will do it in a traditionally old-skool way(ne). BMC 1/21/02 8:32 PM And it is old school in many ways. Firstly, we have no idea what we're going to say. This would seem to suggest that we also have nothing important to say, but such is not the case. Gnarly 1/21/02 8:35 PM Except in my case. For I am sure you will be pleased by the random insanity you are so accustomed to. Only this time, we'll be taking it so far back, it will trangress the Comintern, Suburban Terrorism Online, and yes even the New Testament (but not the Other Testament, even we are not that old skool, yo). BMC 1/21/02 8:38 PM Well don't even trip, 'cause Deuteronomy will be touched on a few times. And we may also lick a few shots at Noah and Abram. With an Old school adventure like this, one never know. Gnarly 1/21/02 8:42 PM If you've played the Atari smash hit "Adventure", then you will have a good idea of how great this issue will be. I hate to admit it, but I was so anxious to see how well this issue was going to do, so I decided to commune with some death spirits. They responded "-=*H O T*=-" and I knew then and there, 1 to tha 8 to tha 7 would change everyone's life for awhile. BMC 1/21/02 8:44 PM I for one, will be changed forever. It's not every day that an issue of the N-Com sets you back several years, wiping out everything that you have learned and accomplished recently. I mean, let's be serious. May we? It's like the one to the eight to the seven on an undercover cop. Gnarly 1/21/02 8:45 PM So blaze a J and get ready for tha muthafuckin real. BMC 1/21/02 8:47 PM Word. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 REJECTED N-COM TAGLINES - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - 1) "We were the new international" -Cog 2) "Avant garde writing for savants" -Heckat 3) "Interactive writing for sexually active teens" -BMC 4) "Hot shit off the dome for the mentally infirm" -Rickey Petersen 5) "Leaky cow udder writing for milk-starved sycophants" -Melatonin 6) "Hi-fi writing for high people" -Gnarly Wayne 7) "Wisecracks for wise people on crack" -BMC 8) "Intelligent writings for people fucked up on heroin" -Cog 9) "An enema for the mind" -Rickey Petersen 10) "Elitist writings for the 'l33t" -Cog - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM VIDEO GAMES - - - - -- -------={by Gnarly Wayne and BMC}=------- -- - - - - Wario's Woods ------------- When Wario's Woods came out, I didn't know what to think. Yeah, nice game, but do I have to play as Toad? I thought I'd get to be Wario. I thought I'd give it a whirl and just try not to look at Toad and I'm glad I did. Because it's fun. Pro Wrestling ------------- Great Puma is impossible to beat. I mean, he busts his moves off so fast and he can do every other character's moves. That sucks. It was once rumored that if you select King Korn Karn right off the bat, you get an honourary win because you picked the shittiest fighter in the game. Fighter Hayabusha isn't all that great either, but connecting with a back brain kick to the opponent's head is just about one of the most honourable moments in Nintendo video game history. You become a video game hero if you do this. And you become my honourary friend. Super Mario 3 ------------- Turning big is alright, and throwing fire is OKAY for awhile, but you can't beat turning into a filthy raccoon THAT CAN FLY. My favorite world was Giant World. When I saw it, I thought I was just way higher than I thought I was. Then I realized that I was in GIANT WORLD! When you smash one brick in Giant Land is busts into 4 smaller ones and you KNOW that always impresses the ladies. Baseball Stars -------------- Baseball Stars encourages you to "Be a Star!" That in itself should be enough to ensure that a game be a masterpiece, but Baseball stars goes yet further. Simply create a team and you find yourself and your friends playing Babe Ruth and the other baseball legends. Other teams have lineups including Hollywood's most Ghastly Monsters, the World Heroes who fight for the onset of human achievement, and the legendary SNK Blacksox, who have home-field advantage in SNK Stadium. SNK Stadium - that is, of course, the most prestigious stadium in the make-believe, computer-fabricated world. So I urge you, world, take a swing - be a star! Buy SNK's Baseball Stars today, you fucking jerk! Double Dragon 2 --------------- This was like Double Dragon 1, but added some jawesome moves. My favorite was the Super Knee you could sometimes do when you got up from a croach. It would send mofos to the other side of the screen and sometimes they'd bounce around a bit, like most human bodies do. You also got to fight yourselves at one point, but your shadow selves also had energy bolts and teleportation, giving them the slight edge. Then you'd fight some illusionist guy who liked to fight in weird places. Here are some tips: The kicks and punches may be used together to help defeat the Bads! Never give up and you can win! Don't use drugs and stay in school! This is a fun game! Bubble Bobble ------------- The Bubble Bobble theme song (sung to the tune of the Bubble Bobble game music): -verse- I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, -chorus- I pop the bubbles - I pop the bubbles I pop the bubbles - I pop the bubbles I pop the bubbles - I pop the bubbles I pop the bubbles - I pop the bubbles I pop the bub bles, I pop the bubbles I pop the riggitty biggitty bubbles -repeat verse and chorus for approximately forty minutes, average duration of game- _`nuff said_ Super Dodgeball --------------- Like regular dodgeball, but the players are installed with magic powers to charge up the ball for cool effects. My favorite was the hangtime one that would float softly through the air, gentle as a newborn cub, and then -=*BIDDA BIDDA BAMM!*=-, right through yo muthafucking skull, in BROAD DAYLIGHT. The end team were, of course, communists who had practiced all their life just to beat YOU! And you will always lose against them, you capitalist pig. Lifeforce --------- up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-b-a-start That code was so intense for me to learn as a kid that it is now permanently etched upon my inner eye. It always resides in my working memory, and I believe I will always retain the information, even if I lose vital statistics such as what my name is and who these strange people are. When you are playing level 4 and flying up through that skeleton's rib cage, the shit is on. No doubt about it, it's time to pull your ass together and put some head out. So just kick back, turn up that tv sound dial and get as intense as one can get while playing a shitty flying game. Excitebike ---------- Simple design but excellent execution. This game was just right fun, and the build your own course was a nice touch. I usually just made courses full of superjumps, but that's just me. In vs. mode, you race against two dark blue coloured guys and a light blue guy. I always thought the light blue guy was some kind of professional or something, but he sucks just as much as the other guys. The best thing, which I thought should have shaved 5 seconds off your time, was when you'd be racing along the top track and then hitting a computer guy who had fallen off his bike before he could get back on. You'd go flying head over heels, again and again and again and again and GOD WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE!?! Then you'd get back up on your bike only to have a dark blue guy come flying in from the left and land right on your head. Super Mario One --------------- Ever gotten to the secret water world where you just swim and swim until the time runs out? Ever met someone who claimed to have found an ending to that lavel? Because I know someone who has. And I'll introduce you to him if you have a couple of hours free. And he'll give you five bucks worth of dope if you suck his dick. Dragon Warrior IV ----------------- A most epic tale unfolds over 5 chapters of fighting slimes, wandering caves and castles, and romantic misunderstandings. Each chapter pulls you deeper and deeper into the intricant plotline. And so many questions will arise and then be answered. Why can Taloon sell the lunch his wife gave him for his hard day at work? Is it really that bad? Or is there something a little more "sinister" behind it? You will see what happens to a brave little Healer name Healie who only wants to be human, even for just a minute. The final Healie scene will bring tears to your eyes and you won't stop weeping for 12 hours. Did the cat on top of Princess Alena's castle ever get down? The only way to find out is to play. Caution is advised in playing this game. Pretty soon you'll start comparing loved ones to the characters in DW4 and we both know that they will never be able to compare. This can destroy entire families within a matter of seconds. "Damn, why can't my man bring in tha ducats like that kingdom player, Taloon?" and "Healie heals and nurtures my soul while you drive black daggers through the fabric of my very spirit" are the most common expressions to be said after someone pops the Dragon Warrior 4 cartridge in the Pretendo. While that may seem a tad harsh, the positive benefits far exceed the drawbacks. While playing, it is not unusual to enjoying yourself and have a good time. Play it, and the world breathe in relief. Now that you have read Gnarly Wayne's comments about DW4, you must feel very enlightened about such things as what Alena did after she helped the hero rescue the world from Necrosaro. Well he may have been able to give you inside information on the gambling tables, or a hint about how to get the balloon, but I'm betting that he left it pretty open, as he doesn't have anything ta say about the real hero of DW4. And that's Healie. What do you think, Wizzo, once and for all - does Healie have arms, feelers, or both? And I'm challenging you to back your statement up in any way you can. But it has been proven, irrefutably, that Healie does, in fact, have arms. It was once jokingly said that the reason one couldn't buy Healie a better weapon was because he didn't have arms. But, of course, he did have them. It is factual that he had legs, for he had the body of a jellyfish, which would not realistically be efficient for land travel. In the first chapter, Healie tells Ragnar that he wants to become human, and in chapter four Mara and Nara encounter him, and they witness that he has in fact, become human; if Healie does, have the ability to become human within his lifetime, it is only natural that he would have already developed some of his human characteristics by the beginning of chapter one. And this invites a bigger question: isn't there a problem with our ideas about what properties Healie can have? We are acting as though that the character in chapter one is the real Healie and that in chapter four it is no longer the same Healie. The truth is that both are Healie - and since Healie is both human and jellyfish within his lifetime, it is absolutely true that he has both hands and feelers in this all-inclusive timeline. So that's about all I have to say about DW4. It's the best game ever. Especially when Healie goes "Bo Bo Bo!" and Taloon gets swivvy on the wheels of steel, and when we write dozens of articles and rap songs about Cristo and Brey. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 AMERICAN POETS - - - - -- -------===={by Ahmed Balfouni}====------- -- - - - - (by a numerical system of my own devising) 1. Marianne Moore For the most deliriously dreaming of it, with her eyes wide open, which it is a point to desist, vicariously, from at all means, to, by, or without fear or focus, focusing on the eyes as a singular point of mayhem, ladies and gentlemen. 2. Ezra Pound The same, only more so or less, as the case may be. 3. Wallace Stevens I couldn't have imagined, nor could you have less imagined, anything so worthy of America, had you not been there and done things, oh so many things, there. 4. Emily Dickinson A cat, in the winter snow, with snow crystals on its whiskers...it is a radio, perhaps. 5. Edgar Allan Poe Disillusion me not, disabuse me never. Did he not, Lake Woebegone, drink himself down Broadway on the day "The Raven" was published, or not again? 6. Carl Sandburg If a silo was on a farm and the chickens roosted until 5 A.M. daily, whose hand clutched the eggs they laid? 7. Ralph Waldo Emerson Still more so. 8. Robert Frost I do not think, I know, and so I regard thinking speculations as naught, or very sincerely "give me the truth of that," as Robt. Browning said in a poem once. 9. T.S. Eliot Cambridge and Oxford are a system of gaggles, for which he substituted a sister in giggles. 10. Walt Whitman The greatest in some ways, as the last shall be first. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 CANADIAN POETS - - - - -- -------========={by ada}==========------- -- - - - - This morning I woke up at 9:45. Anxious to get started, I made myself a cup of mandarin spice tea, tied my hair back in the appropriate bun, and sat down at my laptop. Here is where I will tell you of the best Canadian poets of our time. The top ten if you will. Many of you may think that picking ten poets from such an abundance of Canadian writers is an impossible job. Believe me, I was there. Just when I had decided to change my topic to the top ten reasons why poets are bi polar, I realized that a top ten list is only the beginning. And that someday, these ten writers will die, some from asphyxiation of the lungs, others from internal combustion, and the rest from leprosy, as they try to write their life story. I realized that with this realization, there will always be more top ten lists, and that sooner or later, every great Canadian poet will be on it, even if it is only by default due to severe illness or death by fellow writers on the list. And so with that concept firm in hand, I chose my ten poets, not because they are the greatest, and certainly not because they have books and awards and status within the writing community, but because I was asked to write this article, therefore, it is my top ten list, and I can choose whoever the hell I want... well, so long as they're Canadian. #10-John Livingstone Clark-This is a poet I was fortunate enough to take a creative writing class from. Of course, he did call me a bad seed behind my back, but the point of this list is not retaliation or revenge, but a critical analysis of each person's poetry, and what it is that makes them worthy to be on the list. In John's case, it is his ability to write prose poetry. I love this style of writing and he has a really good flow to his work. He also has a deep admiration for the works of Anne Szumigalski, who wrote incredible prose poetry. #9-Anne Szumigalski-Another poet who wrote prose extremely well. Although she passed away a couple of years ago, I kept her in my top ten, simply because I have only known of her for a short time, and her poetry is still vibrant in my mind. My favourite piece she wrote is entitled "The Disk", which I interpret as a woman trying to find her own identity among gender roles and stereotypes, a woman who is trying to decipher between the parts of her she shows to the world, and the parts she keeps hidden away. It's all very inspirational stuff. #8-Susan Musgrave-I had the privilege of seeing Susan Musgrave at the festival of words a few years ago. She's quite funny in person and I think most of you would have enjoyed her talk. Her poetry is very tight, strong, and image oriented, although she manages not to lose the poem in the imagery. She is also very wise and this comes across in her writing. #7-Lorna Crozier-She was my favorite poet all through high school so I feel compelled to have her on my list. Since she inspired me to continue writing, even through the months of suicide poetry, and the time I did mushrooms with my friends and sat in the living room for five hours with cowgirl from the hackers soundtrack left on repeat. Lorna's poetry can be very simple, which is one of the reasons why it inspired me, because I myself am a simple person. Much of her poetry combines nature, with the human body and sexuality. Some personal favorites of mine are from the 'sex lives of vegetables'. Of course, you can't really go wrong with poems about carrots fucking the earth, potatoes having incestuous relationships, and clitoral peas that keep their knees together. #6-Margaret Atwood-Definitely a must have on the list, her poetry is like a sharp stick plunged into your gut. Her work is evasive, controversial, and holds no boundaries. Some of my personal favorites I would recommend reading are, 'Notes Towards a Poem That Can Never Be Written', and 'A Women's Issue'. These are good examples of how her poetry stems from both a political and a feminist viewpoint. #5-Brecken Hancock-I first heard of Brecken when we participated in a poetry class together. In the time between then and now, she has been a great inspiration to me. She inspired me to get a tongue ring. She inspired me to make more popcorn. She inspired me to read Kurt Vonnegut. She inspired me to like cats. And she inspired me to write poetry in a series with a theme, not that I've actually started doing this, but I do have an idea kicking around that I could share with you. If you are interested, let me know. #4, #3, #2-Jack Kerouac/Allan Ginsberg/Saul Williams-These three poets are all spoken word poets (or were, in the case of Ginsberg and Kerouac) who taught me a lot about the oral tradition of poetry, how it needs to be spoken, as well as read to capture it's full essence. Unfortunately, these three poets are American, and since I am compiling a list of the top ten Canadian poets, I find the need to search for spoken word poets that I know of. The only problem is that I don't know any famous Canadian spoken word poets, and although I could ask my friend, I realize this would be cheating. So I have thought of a few poets who read really really well. The first is my dear friend Joel Katelnikoff, who not only has a very witty stage presence, but recently dedicated a piece to me, which I was very flattered by. Thanks again Joel. The next poet whom I was thinking of is Melanie Siebert. She is both charismatic and sensuous on stage, a combination that puts the audience completely in her hands. The third poet is Jared Peace. Not only is he a good reader, he makes sure his work is ready to be presented. Jared is an extremely skilled editor, and is the type of writer who has reasons behind every word, space, punctuation, or lack of. #1-Well, and here's the thing folks... I don't have a #1 poet. I suppose that means you're wondering why I would call this a top ten list after all, when really, it's only a top 9. Well, I do have my reasons. In top ten order, they are; #10-My brain is getting fried from trying to think of reasons why these poets deserve to be in a top ten list. Why do I have to have all the answers? #9-It is possible to lose my mind right now. #8-It's ridiculous to rank poets in a list. They should be allowed to run free, like small animals. #7-I'm getting kinda hungry. #6-the phone rang and it's for me. #5-the world holds so little space for poets to develop and nurture their craft that there really isn't any point in talking about any of this. #4-I'm pretty bored with hearing myself speak... and I'm not even speaking. #3-I think I've given you enough poets to get you started. #2-it's extremely hard to pick one Canadian poet who rises above the rest. #1-it's two in the morning and this article needs to be done. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 OLD-TESTAMENT BIBLE PASSAGES - - - - -- -------========{by linear}========------- -- - - - - If you've ever read the Bible, or probably even glanced at it, you're well aware that there's some pretty WaCkY stuff in there. It's bigoted and hateful, sexist and prejudice, and at times flat-out illogical and non-sensical. That's why I, linear - your friend in spirituality - has compiled this TOP TEN of some of my favorite BIBLE PASSAGES! But in order to keep it in the heart of this issues OLD SCHOOL theme, I'm only using passages from the Old Testament, the oldest in old school. Please keep in mind, however, that there is just as much craziness going on in the New Testament. I would advise everyone to ACTUALLY read the Bible, just so you have a better understanding of the absurdities that are the Christian beliefs. I know it sounds weird, but it actually does reaffirm your faith in no-faith (at least as far as Christian-faith is concerned) to read how messed up their doctrine is. Plus, you can take all that trash they call morality and throw it right back in their face if you ever get into a heated discussion! I would also like to note that unlike usual top ten lists that order their contents by their importance, this list is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER, it's just ten of the "better" passages of ye olde that I could remember, all thrown together. You can put them in order yourself if it's that important to you. All passages taken from the New King James version. Oomf! HERE WE GO! OH BOY ARE YOU EXCITED?!?!?! ------------ Number One ------------ Exodus 21: 33 And if a man shall open a pit, or if a man shall dig a pit, and not cover it, and an ox or an ass fall therein; 34 The owner of the pit shall make it good, and give money unto the owner of them; and the dead beast shall be his. * * * These verses are great because, obviously, God planned ahead and made sure all that was in the Bible would be relevant to all generations to come. Everything in the book of our Lord is totally important. Where would we be, had not our good Lord not laid down the law when it came to men building pits for their neighbors' animals? I remember one time when MY neighbor dug a deep six-foot pit to catch my Golden Retriever. Now, what would I have done about the situation, if I failed to have the Word of the Lord on hand? That man would have gone off with MY beast! ------------ Number Two ------------ Job 21 24 His breasts are full of milk, and his bones are moistened with marrow. * * * Ehehehe, he said "BREASTS!" Oh, wait -- he said "his breasts." He's talking about man-boobies. Suddenly that's not so sexy anymore. Oh, wait a minute... He's talking about man-boobies being full of milk. Well, now that's definitely not sexy (nor very logical.... but who am I to judge the Word of the Lord, right?). -------------- Number Three -------------- Leviticus 15 19 And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. * * * Listen up, women, for these are the rules! If you start menstruating, you're unclean and full of sin! Not only are you unclean, but you need to be cast away from society for seven days. And anyone who touches you is ALSO unclean! If you go on to read more verses in this chapter of Leviticus, you'll find it's more of the same -- laws about what to do with bleeding women, and the people/things that touch them. ------------- Number Four ------------- Leviticus 15 16 And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. 17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even. * * * So apparently, if you get your ejaculate all over everything, you have to wash it all in water and will remain unclean "until the even." But I recall plenty of times when me and BMC would be hanging out, perhaps getting a little drunk -- then one thing leads to another, and I have his "seed of copulation" all over my face. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, BMC, but I don't remember ever washing it off with water, or you ever telling me I was unclean because of it. Oh, wait... Everyone should just ignore this entire part of the text. ------------- Number Five ------------- Proverbs 12 21 There shall no evil happen to the just: but the wicked shall be filled with mischief. * * * Apparently, bad things DO NOT happen to GOOD PEOPLE! So if your relatives or anyone you know or hear about dies in some tragic way, or has some other tragic thing(s) happen to them (gets maimed and what-not), don't feel bad for them. They must be/have been a wicked, wicked person and deserved it. No evil ever happens to the just, baby! ------------ Number Six ------------ 2 Chronicles 19 7 Wherefore now let the fear of the LORD be upon you; take heed and do it: for there is no iniquity with the LORD our God, nor respect of persons, nor taking of gifts. * * * R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me.... God doesn't repect anyone! I mean, me and God don't see eye-to-eye on very many things, but I would think that if *I* made a civilization and made them follow my freaky laws and contradictory scripture, and SOME of them tried their hardest, I'd have a LITTLE respect for them doomed lil' bastards. -------------- Number Seven -------------- Jeremiah 7 16 Therefore pray not thou for this people, neither lift up cry nor prayer for them, neither make intercession to me: for I will not hear thee. * * * "Hate the sin, not the sinner," right? Well, actually no. You can pray for a sinner all you want im hopes that they'll stop their "evil" ways, but according to his own words, he just doesn't care. Apparently, there are some types of people who aren't good enough even to be prayed for (and God will not hear any prayers about them either, you see?). Thanks God, that makes a WHOLE lot of sense. -------------- Number Eight -------------- Song of Solomon 7 7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. * * * The entirety of Song of Solomon can be summed up by the above passage. Boobies are directly mentioned at least eight times, and sexually alluded to (as well as navels and bellies and what not) a few more billion times. There's also hints of oral (and perhaps anal) sex in there as well. And the good Lord wanted this pronography in the same book that houses His Word? For shame, Jehova! ------------- Number Nine ------------- Leviticus 18 22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. * * * I know, It's mo surprise, but I just wanted to make sure every one was positive that GOD HATES FAGS and the next time the THANK GOD FOR AIDS parade comes through your town, you'd better join in, or God might think you're one of those abominations, FAG! ------------ Number Ten ------------ Exodus 2 11 And it came to pass in those days, when Moses was grown, that he went out unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens: and he spied an Egyptian smiting an Hebrew, one of his brethren. 12 And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand. * * * Oh, and remember that whole thing about not killing? Apparently, we don't have to worry about that, as long as we look this way and that way first to make sure no one is around. Moses did it, and he's of God's chosen people! So I hope you enjoyed my journey through the Bible. Again I remind you that's there's much more crap in there, some of it even a lot worse, you just have to look. God Bless You! "I can do all things through linear, who strengthens me." http://www.phonelosers.net/ir - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 SUPER VILLAINS - - - - -- -------====={by Cog and BMC}======------- -- - - - - Geronimo In case you don't know, Geronimo is the large curious computer shown at the end of each episode of Astro-Boy. He is always waiting for Astro-Boy's report, and always wants Astro to keep it short. It's almost as if Geronimo has his own agenda or something. But Astro has a secret: he lies to Geronimo. Astro-Boy is a super hero, obviously. If he lies to Geronimo, does that not prove it? I rest this case. Iago I tell you, Iago is really bad. He is in Shakespeare's play called Othello, and in this play he does some very mean things to people. Most of these mean things are done to Othello and his friends. You know, Desdemona and other people. Iago all ways pretends to be happy and merry all of the time, but he is secretly being mischievous and trying to make people not like Othello. He even tries to make Othello not like himself at times. For this, Iago earns the prestigious rank of the second-worst super villain to ever exist. Only Geronimo the robot comes before him! Jafar Jafar tried to take over Agraba in Disney's Aladdin, but he didn't do a very good job. That's why he's at number three on this list. You see, Geronimo and Iago were successful. Jafar wished to become a genie, and got everything that goes with it. That's about all I know, except for one important detail: Jafar returned! MC Ren AKA The Villain in Black, this pseudo-rap-star has threatened to do many evil things like "Murder the Caucasian." When sprayed in the eyes with mace, he said "That shit don't work, I just laugh!" As you can plainly see, the villain is immune to various chemicals - one of his many powers. He also has the ability to write rap songs that are devoid of any meaning or intelligence. For this, the world fears him. Phantom Joe Malone From his first moment on the ice with the Canadiens, spectators noticed an ability in this young hockey player to dart unseen from one area of the rink to another. Because, you see, behind those shadow-hooded eyes stares a soul inhabited by the devil himself. Also, a mind which has been called the greatest criminal mind alive today (circa 1924). Together with his trained bulldog, he would attempt capers like stealing Lord Stanley's Cup. He did this mostly by playing a lot of hockey. And I don't believe he ever succeeded, either. Noob Saibot Nobody has ever challenged Noob Saibot and survived. You must win 50 successive matches, and that can be quite a difficult feat. You will start to become weary, and then BANG! You're up against Noob Saibot, the most dangerous silhouette ever to grace the screen. Ten seconds later, you're down on your ass, begging for mercy. But will Noob Saibot grant you mercy? NO. Reggie Mantle Reggie can lay waste to Archie both in a battle of wits, and in a back-alley bottle fight. Some of Reggie's advantages over that sap Archie Andrews are: his looks, his car, his sexual prowess, his economic background, and the simple fact that he is self-confident enough to have posters of himself hanging in his room emblazoned only with the word "Me". He often tries to kidnap Midge from the town bully, Moose; however, Dilton Doiley assists dim-witted Moose in foiling those shallow plots. Otis the Chameleon Man Everything usually runs smooth on Mount Olympus, but from time to time Hercules' day plans are bunged up by this CRAZY super villain. You see, Otis the Chameleon man can assume any form - ANY FORM WHATSOEVER. He could be Newton, he could be Helena, or he could even be the mighty Hercules himself! He can ensnare Hercules and friends into the most cunning of traps, and this is because they never know how to spot Otis the Chameleon Man - or when to expect him! Uncle Ned Scourge of the Keaton household, Uncle Ned is the vanilla-drinking, Alex-P.-Keaton-hitting bad boy in Ohio. He didn't do many things other than those two which were already mentioned, but he DID owe some guy money. Also, I saw a bootleg version of this episode where he molested Jennifer and Skippy watched. Poverty In some ways the greatest villain of them all, but in other ways it only ranks at number ten. The true villains behind pov are the greedy corporate owners and the government agencies that enable these people to trod upon the working class. Secondly, the poor are also to blame, because, hey - if they weren't poor then there would be no poverty. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 RANDOM THINGS - - - - -- -------======{by Melatonin}=======------- -- - - - - The very nature of top ten lists instills in people a belief that all the things of the world can (and should) be categorized and ranked, and thus only succeeds in turning that which was once mysterious, beautiful, and individual, into a nonsense world of competition and statistic. In retaliation I now proudly present the N-Com's first ever Random Top Ten. (drumroll) Number 10 - Descending Order If we absolutely must compile top ten lists, then I think it only fair that they be presented in descending order of quality. This is clearly the most natural, least pretentious system of rank, and so I therefore give Descending Order the number ten slot on my Random Top Ten List and ascend upwards to slot number nine. Number 9 - SANJURO This is a 1962 Akira Kurosawa film in which Toshiro Mifune plays a samurai so badass that he spends most of the film yawning, sleeping, and scratching his grizzled chin. He also keeps his arms tucked under his robe throughout most every scene, as if to say, "Yes, I could be on my guard right now -- what with all these vicious enemies on my tail and all -- but you know what? I'm chilly. And tired. Hmm -- maybe I should take another nap." Kurosawa's combination of shocking, momentary violence and the gentle, consistent beauty of nature is also quite wonderful. Number 8 - BMC's No-Phone Policy (Part 1) This is a story I heard. The BMC was eating dinner in a restaurant when a nearby patron jumped to his feet, his stomach clutched in pain. Everyone turned to watch. Then the man fell to the floor and began to writhe in pain whilst yelling, "Help! Help! I've been food poisoned! The food I've been eating in this restaurant has given me food poisoning!" At this, everyone in the restaurant began to panic. There were many yells and broken plates. Then someone turned to the BMC and said, "Quick, call 9-1-1." The BMC took off running, but then he realized that calling 9-1-1 would involve using a phone, so he quickly made a detour and ran to the roof of the building and proceeded to alert the hospital next door through an elaborate system of smoke signals and conch bursts. A few hours later, after no response from anyone, he returned to the restaurant to see if the man was OK. But when he got there the man was gone and the restaurant had returned to normal. The BMC stopped a passing waiter and asked him about the poisoned man. "Oh, him?" the waiter answered. "Oh no, he wasn't poisoned. He was just some con man looking to scare up a lawsuit against the restaurant. But when no ambulance came he eventually got tired of writhing around in pain and stood up and left. Clever, huh?" "Yes," the BMC responded, scratching his chin in deep thought. "Very clever indeed." Number 7 - Illiterate Poetry Roses are red, Violets are blue, I don't know how to read, Fuck I hope this rhymes. Number 6 - Ways to Make Boxing a Real Sport 1) Take the gloves away from the boxers and change the canvas to a bed and make it pillow fighting instead. Refs can dress up as my parents. 2) Include some sort of interpretive dance bonus round. 3) Change the channel to a baseball game. Number 5 - Brown Brown is my favourite color, but it seems like everyone else hates it. I think this is because people associate it with dirt and shit, but let's look at that for a second. Without dirt you have no Earth, in which case we're all floating through space with very, very bored looks on our faces. And without dirt there's no way for a flower to grow, and without flowers there's nothing for bees to pollinate, in which case they grow sullen and unmotivated, and without motivated bees there's no honey, and without honey my sister can't eat peanut butter and honey sandwiches when she was seven years old. I can't think of anything good to say about shit. Number 4 - Political Conundrums George W. Bush has said that you are either with America or against America in the new War On Terrorism -- i.e., you're either goose-stepping in line behind him like a good old boy, or you're rooting for the terrorists and are immediately suspect. He has also given himself the legal and moral authority to hold secret military tribunals in which defendants can be executed without representation, evidence, or an impartial jury -- phenomena previously known as "a fair trial." But what I wonder is, if the Pope is against the war, which he is, does that mean that the Pope is in cahoots with the terrorists, or that Bush has the authority to arrest and execute the Pope the next time he enters the U.S.? If so, I would like to write this open letter to the Pope: Dear Pope, If you decide to take a trip to America any time soon, whatever you do, DO NOT GET OUT OF THE POPE-MOBILE. P.S. The birth control thing -- maybe try to lighten up on that. Number 3 - BMC's No-Phone Policy (Part 2) I tried to call the BMC the other day but then I remembered that I don't know his number. But I don't give up that easily so I began to dial seven-digit numbers at random in the hopes of getting through to him. This didn't work, but I did meet a fascinating woman named Tammy Googlebinker. She's a 95-year-old cat lady living in a dilapidated white house on the other side of town and she actually served as a nurse during WW2. I was going to ask her if that movie PEARL HARBOR was accurate, but then I remembered that I haven't seen it and don't really care anyway. Then I hung up. Anyway, I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to my new best friend Tammy. Hey Tam, you're good people. Number 2 - I am a word search ninja. Title says it all. Do not challenge me to a word search. I mean it. I will mess you up. My pencil is like a pair of nunchucks. Number 1 - Love Because it makes the world go round, unless you count physics. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 FAVOURITE N-COM ARTICLES - - - - -- -------========{by Bu Joe}========------- -- - - - - Number Ten A Typical Day In Hell By Gnarly Wayne I had always wondered what my daily tasks would be in the firey death pit called hell. So I read this and found out! After reading this I immediately went to a church and confessed all my sins because hell just doesn't sound like a nice place. Number Nine Capitalism Works!: An Entrepreneurial Success Story By BMC If everybody tried this they would all see how stupid capitalism is and if they didn't they'd probably keep their stand open and give away free crystal. Number Eight The Semicolon By BMC This is a really funny article about the semicolon and his friend BMC. It also tells how they like to make love and frolic in the forest, naked, every Tuesday at 5 PM. I'm serious, I have the video! Number Seven Crossing The Alps By Heckat I can't really say much about this story except READ IT, READ IT and READ IT! This is probably my favorite story by Heckat, its simply great. Good story, well written, you could say I love it. Number Six Metal Streets By BMC (with Margarina Cataclysma) Hate school? Ski to school? Have metal streets? If you answered yes to all these questions then you have a lot in common with Benjamin Horatio Algier. Read this story and you'll know how to sign up for a race that you could win, and the prize is no more school! Ever! Number Five Hampster Dance Rebuttle By Komrade B I never really did like the Hampster Dance website but I didn't like the fact that it was made fun of for its disadvantages either. Thanks for sticking up for it Komrade! Number Four Things That I Am Afraid Of: Showers By BMC "My first shower fear is that someone will leave the plunger (forgive my ignorance - by "plunger" I am referring to the device on the tap that regulates whether the water flows through the tap or through the shower head) in the "up" position. This means that when I turn on the tap to test the water I will instead find an ice-cold spray violating my naked and vulnerable body." Nuff said? Number Three The Reuban O'Neill Process By Reuban O'Neill BMC mailed me a booklet of this article and some bastard stole it from my backpack. If you're that bastard I have you a two words for you! You're mean! I would like the booklet back too! And please don't be mean! Number Two How To Win Friends and Influence People II By Heckat Having trouble meeting new people? Then read this! I absolutely love this article. It's hilarious and informative, and after reading It I have two more friends! Number One Of the Robot who Thought He was Human By BMC This is a really cool story, it's like a story in a story it's really neat how its done, but what's even better is you get attached to both stories. Writing two good stories - that's one thing, but writing two good stories in one story that's a feat that no one can accomplish, not even BMC! - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 OLD SCHOOL PERSONALITIES FOR POSEURS - - - - -- -------======{by Jet Jaguar}======------- -- - - - - One of the delights of age is moving away from the insecurities and indecision of youth. We are smug in our old age. No more dress-up, we have found our place in the world. Ain't it grand to be older than 25? You're not older than 25? You are but haven't found your place in the world yet? No problema, chicas y chicos! You may not have a personality of your own, but you sure can sure fool lots of people by attaching one of the handy 20th century sub-culture labels below. 10. Beatnik The Beat Generation and the San Francisco Renaissance consisted of brilliant and well-read personalities such as Allen Ginsberg, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, and Gregory Corso. Lucky for you, being a beatnik poseur doesn't require half as much intellect. You get lots of cool points for being one of the few beatniks to have read a Jack Kerouac novel whose title doesn't start with "on" and ends in "the road". Armed with your 89-cent notebook and your $20 beret, you'll be a hit at poetry open mics with your unintelligible style devoid of any study of lyrical form and technique. When you finally get bored, you can simply use your voluminous collection of black clothing to fit in with all your fellow unintelligible people at the nearest Goth hangout. 09. Hippie There was once a mythical time and place known as the 60s. Strange creatures talked of art, freedom, love, and peace. In about 10 years, these monsters forgot all those concepts, invented the leisure suit, and fucked and snorted new and exciting diseases into the world. 15 years after that, they wore pinstriped suits and marketed the enchanted 60s to a new generation of impressionable youth. All the while they bitterly complained about the loss of morality and the greed of capitalism. Like most of the original hippies, daddy better have set you up a trust fund. This will pay for all the time you need to smoke weed and drop acid. It will also pay for all those things you need to proclaim your hippie-dom. Zippo lighters with psychedelic mushrooms on them, beaded curtains with peace symbols, and wallets with embossed marijuana leaves are your inheritance from the great 60s. There's even hemp soap out there for the modern long-haired tree-hugger. Their use will, of course, mark you as a neo-hippie; real hippies didn't use soap. 08. Skinhead Never mind that the skinhead subculture has a large, varied history and philosophy. Since no one out of this scene seems to know the difference between a two-tone or a Hammerskin, why should you? All you should care about is just how fuckin' butch you're going to look wearing braces, bombers, and boots! Perhaps a few words of advice to get you on your way would be best. Say 'Oi!, Oi!, Oi!' a lot. Do not, even under the effect of six pints of Guinness, ever call 'No Doubt' a ska band. Finally, buy a bomber made in America. When you realize that the fellow skins you're hanging out with are all "boneheads" wearing red laces (What's that mean? Wouldn't you like to know?), you're going to be happy that your bomber's manufacturer tag doesn't say "Made in Korea". This will save you from having to learn another technical skinhead term: "boot party". 07. Trekkie There are some depraved lunatics out there that will see a man dressed in pointy ears and velour shirts, and boldly say "me too!" Filled with scientific-sounding babble and outright destruction of the laws of physics, the Star Trek universe will suck money out of your pocket faster than a black hole will light. This usually happens through useful items like Klingon dictionaries, toy guns, and conventions. Number one: Know your captains. How else will you be able to argue for hours on the difference between Captain Picard's and Captain Sisko's style of bald head. Number two: practice the Vulcan handsign. There's is no experience more embarrassing than being heckled by a group of nerds in Starfleet uniforms. Number three: learn to deal with rejection. You're not finding any available women to impress with the size of your warbird. Study hard, young space cadet. Someday you'll say nuqDaq 'oH puchpa"e' at a Star Trek convention and actually get an answer. 06. New Ager Pop quiz: Night is caused by A) the rotation of the earth or B) the queen of the mystic sky curtain awaken due to the chirping of the moonbirds of Atlantis. She then reaches across to the void and pulls the sky curtain, shimmering with stars, and covers the earth with it. This silences the moonbirds who believed the earth to be their evil reflection. You refuse to play this game? Your mind might just be too scientific to be a new ager. Better try hippie instead. Some new agers like to call themselves by other names: pagans, neo-pagans, witches, alchemists, magickians, occult scientists. The one tie-that-binds is the magickial ability to refute science with stories, myths, and half-truths. Of course chakras, fairies, and gods exist; they're just invisible. It's amazing how much spirituality $1,200 Buddhist workshops and $100 aura cleansings can buy you. After spending a few years buying spirituality, avenge yourself by selling it back to newer, less enlightened poseurs. Ahhhh, the circle is complete. 05. Thug Remember the fun, political, spiritual rap music of the 80s and 90s? Kool Moe Dee? Public Enemy? Queen Latifa? A Tribe Called Quest? De La Soul? Digable Planets? P.M. Dawn? MC Lyte? Heavy D? Brand Nubians? Digital Underground? Yeah, me neither. Rap isn't rap without 40s, blunts, straps, and hos. You can't market self-respect and self-determination! Listening to gangsta rap will make you every parents nightmare. I'm sure that appeals to the very young of you ("Damn, Eminem said 'fuck'! He's so hardcore!"). Get ready to shell out the "Gs" for your transformation into the hip-hop thug of your suburb. Being a thug seems to equal being a inner-city hippie. Expensive clothing is "in" this week, "out" the next, but your mom can afford it, right? How else are you going to look like you're from a poverty-stricken project without a $200 shirt? Remember to listen to Tupac, proclaim him to be the messiah of the ghetto, then take his words out of context like the Christians did to Jesus. 04. Punker Goth not political enough, but going skinhead doesn't have the darling fashion sense you want? Consider the wonderfully cheery world of punk. Learn to get that nuclear fallout look in just hours a day. Then have that look stomped, pushed, kicked, and trampled within the confines of your friendly local punk venue. I can't think of another place where kind and gentle people slam into each other with more force than atomic particles. Old punks like to stand around the mosh pit and listen to the music. Young punks like to bash about the pit, then come out full of adrenaline and attitude. Old punks then like to throw these young punks forcefully back into the pit (hint: Stop crying about that busted lip. It's all in good fun). Feel free to wear lots of anti-personnel devices such as chains, spikes, safety pins, and other devices which give others ouchies. Hang around long enough and you'll learn two things: 1) The Ramones wrote more than three songs and 2) Yes, Green Day *is* corporate punk. 03. Raver Ravers have more attributes and special abilities than the worst constructed role-playing characters. One is that Ravers fucking own Greyhound. The novice Greyhound traveler will notice all the Amish, the experienced ones will notice all the high 20-somethings in toned-down club gear. Ravers have a special place. Ever see a raver at a club whose head is bouncing up and down as if stuck in the music? Welcome to the K-hole: a place which can only be entered with the right combination of horse tranquilizers, repetitive bass, and Red Bull. Personally, the phantom zone from "Superman II" seems more appealing. Still, if you want it all and can afford it, being a raver is the thing for you. Endless philosophizing by DJs ala new ager. Revamping of the thug's house music beats. Fashion psychosis a punker would be jealous of. Enough drugs to choke a hippie. The last two reasons may result in fulfilling some lecherous fantasies about Rainbow Brite. Since lots of rumors of weird drugs keep surfacing from the rave scene, I suggest becoming a trend-setter by experimentally swallowing household products. Drano can't be *that* dangerous. 02. Goth First, take a dateless wonder from the suburbs pale from not leaving the house and put him or her in a fashionably questionable black dress or suit. Add even more questionable make-up and you have yourself GOTH -- The current champion of sub-cultures with a bad-ass reputation. Anyone who has seen a Goth dance knows that this reputation is undeserved. In becoming goth, remember to whine. Whine loud; whine often. Whine about the inhumanity of humankind. Whine about the pony you never got. Whine about your hangnail; just do it as if it was the most miserable and darkly insightful experience of your life. Listen to over-used morbid jokes and use them in conversation: i.e. "Halloween is my Christmas" and "We won't bite...hard" are classics of gothic humor. 01. Cynics I know what you're saying. Cynics have been around far longer than the 20th century. But us cynics didn't have the technology to voice our opinions so efficiently before the 20th century. I was missing something back in my beatnik-hippie-skinhead-trekkie-new ager-thug- punker-raver-goth days. The dissatisfaction was there, but not the ability to communicate it to a mass audience. I turned into a cynic and never looked back. Being a cynic is great. I get to have overbearing opinions about everyone else. Then I get to use sarcasm and condescending language to express those arrogant opinions while hiding my own failures and insecurities. These truly are the days of milk and honey! Youth may have the fun of diversity, but old age has cynicism...a bitter, hard shell of lonely cynicism. No matter, I hear you can become a pretty good e-zine writer that way! - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 MOST PROLIFIC N-COM WRITERS - - - - -- -------========={by BMC}==========------- -- - - - - 1) Me - 217 submissions What can I say? I'm in love with this zine and I try to have something in it every week. Sometimes I have more than one article in it. Sorry. 2) Gnarly Wayne - 70 submissions Gnarly Wayne was on the scene from the first day, and is best known for his flippant ad-libbing, freestyled articles, and extremely helpful guides to living. Some of his best articles were written while drunk. Gnarly Wayne continues to write articles to this day, and the readers and staff enjoy laughing along with him as well as at him. 3) Komrade B - 39 submissions Komrade B was down since day -1, working as assistant editor of the original Comintern series circa 1995, and he was co-founder of the N-Com back on February 11th, 1998. Komrade B is best known for his untimely death, which, ironically, is also his greatest achievement. His life was precious and his death provided the N-Com staff with enough material to fill several issues. 4) Cog - 36 submissions Cog rounds out the list of the original four Neo-Comintern members. He has written many articles complaining about his life and times, and also several about pornography and his love of it. He can often be found in a sullen state. When he is not writing he is working hard at keeping the Neo-Comintern website crisp and current. 5) Junior Haagis - 18 submissions From the mines of Minolta to the rings of Saturn, Junior Haagis takes us on voyages that lead far beyond our planet and our sense of rationalism. Never one to pass up a half-eaten chicken leg, this intergalactic hero can put a smile on your face even while saving the world from a fate worse than death. Many critics consider Tol Chilibek to be the true author of his works. 5) Margarina Cataclysma - 18 submissions Margarina is currently living in the city of France, but her legacy lives on in the anals of the N-Com. Once considered to be a MoON MONstAr from Io, Margarina has proven herself to be, in many ways, the most human of all of us, taking time to offer desperately-needed advice to friends and strangers alike. Sometimes she is afflicted with delusions of being a pirate. Margarina was also the first Neo-Comintern writer to publish poetry in the Neo-Comintern on a regular basis. 7) Heckat - 17 submissions I have had the pleasure of calling Heckat my "girl" for the past 17 submissions (my apologies, I keep track of time through submissions and no other means). Like Margarina Cataclysma, Heckat contributes both poetry and prose to the N-Com. She is my favourite writer of all time - I mean, I don't date many writers, but even if I did... I think now would be a good time to shut up. 8) Capitalism Monster - 10 submissions The Capitalism Monster was very evil and did cruel things to me. I was forced to write about Capitalism for 10 issues, and the evil Capitalism Monster goaded me on by writing many Monster's Notes about how capitalism was superior to socialism. Luckily, the Capitalism Monster was finally defeated in a variety of ways and no longer continues to live. The Weekly Capitalist is now a cruel memory. 9) STUYA - 5 submissions STUYA was a staff writer back in the days when one only had to submit one article to be a staff writer. Then STUYA travelled through time and dissappeared forever. STUYA's articles are notorious for their blend of philosophies and utter nonsense. Wherever STUYA is now, it is certain that STUYA continues to enrich that era of time with some of the most mystical, ingenious, and, yes, frightening articles ever writ. 9) Spite - 5 submissions Well, well, well. Spite is the only person on this list who does not have an official writer's page on the Neo-comintern site, so it looks like it's time to make one! Having met the new requirements of A) having 5 articles published in The Neo-Comintern, and B) promising to write at least five more, Spite has accomplished everything that one must do to join the super dope elite club. We will be glad to add this writer, whose hitherto demonstrated strengths include writing lists and ranting about the shittiness of life, to the N-Com lexia of fame. Welcome, Spite! - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - TOP 10 METHODS OF PROCRASTINATION USED IN THE PAST WEEK - - - - -- -------========{by Spite}=========------- -- - - - - Ok. I admit it. I have got to be the world's worst procrastinator. I was really stoked when the BMC asked me to contribute a top ten list for this week's issue of the N-Com. I was all prepared to sit down and spew out a witty, and perhaps even a little spiteful, list of things. I even had some pretty good ideas about what kinds of lists I could contrive. But, once again, I pissed around all fucking week and now I have nothing. Oh sure, I have a half-written list. But I woke up this morning and realized it sucked. There is no way I would have sent that in. I suck, for having wasted my entire week when I could have worked on the article immediately and perhaps contributed something of worth to the zine. And so, here it is folks. The top ten things I was doing when I really should have been writing my article. 10. Working. - I really should have just taken the week off and worked on the article instead. In fact, I should just quit my job altogether and write for the N-Com full-time. 9. Not working. - I actually had time off because of an "anthrax scare." The mall was shut down for two days because someone threw laundry detergent on the floor. 8. Sitting around at the pub. - I spend way too much time there as it is. 7. Watching "Black Hawk Down". - Well, I won't say that this was a total waste of time. The movie wasn't really all that bad. There were about two full hours of just fighting and blowing stuff up, and that's pretty cool. 6. Reading. - I bought Hunter S. Thompson's "Hell's Angels" a couple weeks ago, and I am still trying to get through it. It's a pretty good book, but I liked "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" much better. 5. Writing. - I spent far too much time on that other, more tremendously shitty article. I wish I had known sooner that I would hate it so much. I was so blind! 4. Sitting around doing nothing. - It's an astounding ability of mine. I can sit around and do absolutely nothing for hours. I really don't know how I do it. You'd think I'd get bored, or realize there are things to be done, but I never do. 3. Grocery shopping. - Man, I hate shopping. Grocery shopping isn't really all that bad. At least everything I need is all in one store. I still hate shopping in any form. 2. Sleeping. - Sleep is so very overrated. I could get a lot more done in a day if I didn't have to take time out to sleep. I don't even really sleep all that much. That's still 5 or 6 hours a night that I could be doing something else. 1. Getting high. - Now normally, this is a good thing. I can do a lot of writing while I have a good buzz on. But, all I wanted to do was lay on the floor and think about how shitty my life is, thus accomplishing absolutely nothing. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions. Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better. For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at . Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to , or through ICQ to #29981964. Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern Magazine. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - ___________________________________________________ |THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com | | Questions? Comments? 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