============================================================================== ============================================================================== :: introduction :: welcome to psikotik 6. ============================================================================== ============================================================================== :: my father the poindexter :: by haliphax :: for some bizarre reason, i wanted an account on america online. hey, fuck you. i've got aohell, aosabre, aoturkey, all the good stuff. but that's not why i wanted it. i was in desperate need of all the real meat in an inter- net service could give. my local piece o' poo didn't offer enough. just lynx. so, i approached my dad, not being able enough to LEGALLY obtain a membership, and asked him if i could use his credit card, and i would pay for the monthly bill. "whaddya want an aol account for?" came the beer-laden, melancholy response through the piles of vomit on his polo shirt. i'm suprised he could even tear his gaze away from the football recaps long enough to answer me. "well, you see.. well.. all my friends are on it, and.. you know." "no, i don't. who are these 'friends'?" "umm.. well, brian, tim, andrew, and a few others.." - yeah dad, my asian-gangster buddies, taek, p-chang and sui. "no. the account would be in my name, and anything you do would come back to me, and i don't like that." - i'm gonna send nekkid photos of you and grandma gettin' it on to steve case. "what do you think i'd do? you always automatically assume that every- thing i do has to be bad." "son, you've already gotten kicked off of it once." ahh. he's referring to the time some testosterone-leaking 'guide' got in a chat room, and i was spoofing a hack-script.. he took it the wrong way, and locked me out. damn. i thought my father had forgotten about that. "you're so damn paranoid, dad." "don't start cussing at me, young man! you'll wind up without a pc if you keep this up! blah blah blah".. his voice trails off as i walk past him and drag myself down the stairs to write this article on my Godforsaken male parental unit some people call a father. it's true. he's too fucking paranoid. he wanted to know why i wanted one. why? on all those trial hours i used up, he never gave a hoot. and he got after me for saying "damn". him. the man who said "shit" whenever he did something wrong, even when i was a toddler. "oh yeah, dad.. i'm gonna hook up with the other teenage pedophiles and cybermolest some little boys. we'll have a grand ole time." or how about, "well, i plan to penetrate the norad defense network through their web browser, daddy-o." either one didn't matter to him. he gets mad at me for going to the mall more than once in a week's time. wtf? does he think i'm chillin' with my homies, and we're gonna gank some unsuspecting pig? fuck no. you see, my father has always thought of me as a juvenile delinquent. no matter what i do, that's just the way he sees me. i've learned to accept it as a part of everyday life. "dad, pass the butter knife." "what, are you gonna go kill some poor young girl riding down the street on her shiny new tricycle? is THAT what you're gonna do with this knife, son?" "yeah, dad. that, and i'm gonna put some jelly on my toast, you over- exaggerating little insecure bastard." that last part was merely in my mind, i never actually said it. heh. if your parents are like this, you can do what i do. try to kill your- self by watching reruns of a microsoft infomercial from 1:00am to 5:00pm, 'til the asshole gets home. then, you can hide behind your monitor and write shit like this. that, or you can kick him in the balls. whichever's best for you. anyone out there with a father like this, please email me at negative@nether.net, so we can have a hearty laugh at their expense. thank u. ============================================================================== * note: as in all adolescent cases like this, i have forgiven my dad, and i now look back upon the experience and laugh at myself, for even thinking about wanting to maybe get an AOL account. in fact, it's pretty damn scary. i guess the bigass file libraries finally got to me. i hope you don't look at me as less of a person. (sob) WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!@ ahem. ============================================================================== ============================================================================== :: a mockery of scene literature :: by haliphax :: i split your colon and the poop flows like wine i drink of your blood and vomit because it does not taste very good you let a horrendous fart and i keel over for lack of oxygen i slice my wrist witha lady bic(tm) it takes me 24 hours to bleed you grab a broomstick and vasoline 70s porno music fills the air everybody dies after sniffing 2 kilos of heroin finis heh.. based on a "poem" by polygon breasts. ;) ============================================================================== ============================================================================== :: mindless rambling :: by haliphax :: well, this issue didn't amount to shit, but with the next issue, i've got a suprise for you.. CONTRIBUTIONS!@ fuck yes! i ain't trippin'. a few local peeps wrote some stuff for me. sure, it's not the highest quality stuff out there, but it's funny. ============================================================================== ==============================================================================