@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@   @@@@@@  @@@@@@@
                     @@!  @@@ @@!  @@@ @@!  @@@ @@!  @@@
                     @!@!@!@  @!@!!@!  @!@!@!@! @!@  !@!
                     !!:  !!! !!: :!!  !!:  !!! !!:  !!!
                     :: : ::   :   : :  :   : : :: :  : 
 
                    bootleg radioactive aardvark dung one
    a "special" issue of raD that includes stuff way too stupid for raD!
                   released march 26, 1996. (c) rad, bitch.

 a few notes.  "ed" who is mention i think twice is a retarded kid, and he
 has this lump of flesh near his neck... where a dog bit him, he refuses to
 tell us why the dog bit him.  but i am determined to find out, i must continue
 to make fun of the less fortunate. he has a gym bag, called "sportif" too,
 he bought it at wal-mart. $17.00, go pick one up.  Not just any gym bag,
 this is "SPORTIF." - mercuri

 sweet home indiana - mercuri
 ------------------

 big wheels keep on turnin'
 carrying me home to grow my corn
 sing songs about the midwest
 been so long i think its sin...

 n0t fUnny. g;lflllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

 un guf.

  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un g
  \
  uf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf.  un guf
  .  un guf.  un guf.  un guf. 

 *begin handle*

  Rad Rad Rad Rad eatin goober rad goodness how delicious eating goober rad

  Once I was happy but now I'm forlorn like an old coat that is tattered and
  torn Bleistif Bitta Mein Fuhrer

 *end handle begin mercuri*

  and now the severe beating of a certain lake street elementary school teacher

        mi mi mi!  la la la!  doe doe doe!
        doe reigh mi fa so la ti do!  my, i love these see-though shirts.
        triple ti, da, triple te la, cinco, pa la, fa tee da!
        WHO HIT THE XYLAPHONE!?@#?@!#  SEND HIM TO AUSCHWITZ!

        <POW!>

        ouch!@

        achtun, BITCH!

        "thats my bitta!"  ow!  "in the blestif mein furher!"

        <WAPOW!  CRACK!  SHMACK!  WOOP!  BANG!  SLAM!>

        "i'll get the gestapo on yo' ass!"

        <ka-chunk, *BANG*>

        my navel!

        the severe beating of a gnat.

        bzz.

        *smack*

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of a Crown Point High School Gym teacher

        <SMACK>

        OH your gonna fucking smack me ya lazy jackoff I rip your fucking
        throat out with my teeth!!

        <Smack Crack Bash KAZOWWY>

        Damn kids.


 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe beating of a gym bag.

        <KICK>

        bam.

        <KICK>

        bam.

        <KICK>

        bam.

        <KICK>

        bam.

        <KICK>

        bam.

        <KICK>

        bam.

        <KICK>

        QUIT MESSING WITH SPORTIF!@$#!@#$@!#@!

        <KICK>

        sorry ed.

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of a brick wall

        <POW CRACK>

        Fucking Ouch.

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe beating of adam sandler.

        <KICK>

        ow, mommy!

        <PUNCH, "YOUR NOT FUNNY!">

        ow, momma!

        <*smash guitar over head*>

        it's gettin' dark!  i cant see!

        <adam sandlers legs kick straight up in the air, and stay there>

        the severe beating of someone who just read slinky

        <SMACK>

        <SMACK>

        <SMACK>

        <SMACK>

        <SMACK>

        I'm numb.

        The severe beating of devin.

        <VERBAL THREAT>

        AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH@!#@#!$!@#@!$@!#$@!#@!#!@#

        the severe beating of a stephen king novel.

        <tear>
        <toss>

        that was easy.

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of al gore

        <SMACK>

        <SMACK>

        <SMACK>

        <SMACK>

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        The severe beating of a peice of cheap man-made cheap ol' rinky-dink
        sunny delight bottle.  cheap thing.

        <twist>

        <slam down on table>

        THERE, ED TOUGH.

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of an illegal alien

        <SMACK CRACK OFF ZOWY BOOM UPH>
        please Mr. Buchanan I can't take any more

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe beating of a man who think's he's been reincarnated from
        a great ww2 veteran.

        <smack>

        I'M PATTON YOU MAGNIFICENT SON OF A BITCH, YOUR A COWARD!  I CANT
        STAND COWARDICE IN THE RANK!  WHY I SHOULD SHOOT YOU RIGHT NOW
        MY SELF YOU COWARD!

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of a rad writer who shall remain Mercuriless who
        thinks he's Patton come back to life

        <PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH>

        I'm still Patton

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe beating of a man who throws queso around like it grows on
        trees or something...

        <WHOPSH!>

        ahh!@  my queso! que mal suerte!  malo!  mal estudiante!  silencio!

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of someone who made me drop rice on the floor

        <SMACK CRACK CABAM AZULES>

        Holy Uncle Ben Batman!

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe beating of jan brady

        <SMACK>

        marsha marsha marsha!

        <smack, crack, punch>

        pork chops, apple sauce.

        <bang>

        wow bobby!  that's great!  let me on the trampoline!

        <whip!>

        hello world, this is the new marsha brady!

        "this is pointless.. i quit."

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of this T-file

        <IT's not even worth it anymore>


        the severe beating of a nigger

        <CRACK BOOM BAM>

        the severe beating of a racial slur

        <DAMN WHITEY SMACK>

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        The severe burning of a newspaper.

        <light>

        crackle crackle.

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        The severe beating of Rice Crispies

        <SNAP CRACKLE POP>

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe harassment of an old woman.

        hey baby!

        i said, hey baby!

        hey beautiful!

        what are you deaf?

        "YOU BETTER NOT WRITE ABOUT THIS!"

        haha!  that's where i got YOU!

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe burning of a whick on a stick of dynamite next to a gas
        station

        <CLICK CLICK CLICK>

        Damn my lighters broken.

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe slashing of a tire

        <pop>

        pssss.

        the severe beating of a hippy.

        <punch>

        woah, man.. peace, dood.

        <smack>

        got any bud?

        <kick>

        see that garcia concert?

        <ka-chunk, *BANG*>

        ...

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe fall of a communist country

        <Beating communist over the head with a baseball bat>

        <Telling him to spread this pain equally among his comrads>


        the severe dropping of a sock that says "Jason Inc."

        <plop>

  *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe staining of a white shirt>

        <glug glug glug>

        <trickle trickle>

        damn!  new shirt man!

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe rewriting of the communist one

        <CRACK BOOM CRASH>

        <Communist spreads the pain equally among his nation>

        there that sounds better

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe plagarizing of a poem.

        roses are red
        violets are blue
        sugar is sweet
        and so are you!

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe hating of a dandruff shampoo

        <You leave my hair dry and smelling like medicine>

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe punting of a basketball.

        <poomp>

        <soring through air...>

        "hmph, kind of un-eventful, huh?"

        "yep."

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of someone criticising the A-Team

        <I pitty the foo who says I can't act>

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe beating of richard lewis

        <punch>

        i'm sorry, thanks for punching meeee... i was a test tube baby, <puts
        hand on bridge of nose>, my father was an alcoholiiiiic.... my mother
        never looooved me... my love life stinks.... i'm sicking of paying
        hookers to just ditch me ya know.... <grabs bridge of nose>

        <ka-chunk>

        i deserved that.  <grabs bridge of nose>

        <kick, kick, kick, etc..>

        my ribs,... they're broken... <grabs bridge of nose> you're paying
        the bill you big monster.... <grabs bridge of nose>

        <click click, *BANG*>

        that was one magic bullet!  hey, how about that whole kennedy deal,
        huh?  <grabs bridge of nose>

        "DO YOU EVER SHUTUP YOU MANIC-DEPRESSIVE!@?#?@!#@!"

        <grabs bridge of nose>

        "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"

        <grabs bridge of nose>  uhoheeuhoh... blame my parents...
        <grabs bridge of nose>

        "you SUCK!@#!@#$@!$ SHUTUP!@#!@#@"

        <grabs bridge of nose>

        <death by strangling>

        ...

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe stabbing of Nicole Brown-Simpson

        <STAB STAB STAB SLASH SLICE STAB>

        stop killing me person who is coincidentally not my husband O.J.

        the severe beating of Rodney King

        <SMACK CRACK bash crunch smack>

        <Police paying off jury>

        we'll just pretend this whole thing didn't happen

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe digging up of a grave.

        <dig dig dig>

        *sniff* *sniff*

        "oh man!  check the date on this guy!"

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe talking with an older sister

        do you do it?
        What?
        with boys?
        Why do you ask?
        Julie says that if you don't do it boys won't like you
        That's why were all lesbians

        the severe running of a nose

        <sniff sniff sniff sniff blow splat sniff>

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe re-denting of ryan rapp's head.

        <poke poke poke>

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe beating of a cop

        <SMASH CRACK CRACK BAM>

        damn pigs trying to eliminate the criminal element

        the 

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe beating of a dogbite.

        <rip, bleed>

        "coach norris, can i go to the nurse?"

        the severe changing of a channel

        <*CLICK*>

        the severe picking up of a phone.

        <lift>

        HELLO!@#?!@#??$@?@!#?@?!#?@!?#  WHO IS THIS?!@#?@!#?@!#

        the severe hanging up of a phone.

        I DON'T WANT ANY TODAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH@!#@!$!@#@!$#@!@!

        the severe breaking of a nail

        <*SNAP*>

 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe flushing of a toilet

        <Plop> <Flush>

        Damn low flow toilets
        <Flush>

        Shit
        <Flush>

        <Flush>

        this terd is unflushable

        <Terd is mounted above the mantle>

        the severe earning of a Marlboro jacket

        <Puff puff cough cough puff puff cough cough>

        <Damn lungs>

        <puff puff cough cough cough cough death>

 *end handle begin mercuri*

        the severe wiping of an ass

        <wipe>

        <wipe>

        <wipe>

        <wipe>

        damn, this is getting ridiculously messy.

        <wipe>

        <wipe>

        <wipe>

        <wipe>

        aww fuck it.

        <pulls up pants>

 ** MERCURI GOES HOME
 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe chaffing of an inner thigh

        <scrape>

        <scrape>

        <Scrape>

        <scrape>

        <scrape>

        damn magazine in my pants

        the severe riding of a health rider

        <squeek>

        <squeek>

        <squeek>

        <squeek>

        <ten hours later>

        <squeek>

        <squeek>

        <break>

        damn infomercials

        the severe hitting of the broad side of a barn

        <Swish Smack>

        I showed them

 *end handle begin mercuri*
 ** MERCURI CALLS HANDLE

        the severe being more worthless than a bag of nails

        <sitting on a shelf>

        <sitting on a shelf>

        <sitting on a shelf>

        <sitting on a shelf>

        <sitting on a shelf>

        <sitting on a shelf>

        <sitting on a shelf>

 ** MERCURI HANGS UP
 *end mercuri begin handle*

        the severe educating of a soldier

        do pushups

        the severe telling of an old joke

        <you want the truth you can't handle the truth>

        the severe act of taking this to far

        <read from the fourth one on>

        the severe making of a gas station attendant

        <you suck you read>

        the severe beating of Mercuri

        <400 pound man with Jerry Garcia shirt and long hair reads this>

        <beat beat beat beat>

        the severe ejecting of Handle from rad

        <take that one where I get beaten out-Mercuri>

        <no-handle>

        <Fine then your out of rad-mercuri>

        <so-handle>

        <just take it out-mercuri>

        <I'm out-handle>

        apparently I have to stop writing now.

        <I'm just kidding take this one out to-Mercuri>

        <no-handle>

        <yes-mercuri>

        <no-handle>

        <I'm the editor I can make up whatever I want-mercuri>

        <fine then I quit-handle>

        <just take it out-mercuri>

        <no-handle>

        <quit typing-mercuri>

        <No-handle>

        <I'm hanging up then-mercuri>

        <go for it-handle>

        <*CLICK*>

        once again I surmount all

        now I can finish this how ever I want, tee hee hee.

ARHH ARR ARR URRR ARRRHH ARRHH

        For those of you Tim Allen fans out there that must have been a riot.

MORE POWER!

        hee hee.

They will come from miles around to worship the mound of tacos.
<Mercuri would have never let me say that...I'm free!!!!!!>

        Wow I've never had complete control over a zine before, it's kinda
cool.  Hmmm maybe I should quit rad and start my own zine.  Or maybe I
should just take complete control of rad.  Or maybe I could just join another
zine.  Any offers?  Send them to Merc.  I'm getting out of this stinking zine
Damn Mercuri not writing a descent article in months.  Do you remember that
episode of the chipmunks where they met Mr. T?  He sure did teach those
bullies not to pick on Alvin.  My family mi familia.  Wow this isn't as easy
as I thought.  I'm gonna call Merc.

        Nobody answered.  I think I'll take this time to plug "The Wrath of
the Yum-Yum Tum-Tums 8: Johnny takes Manhattan".  This is going to be the big
one.  From here on in everythings going to be leading up to this spectacular
issue.  I'm telling the truth when you read this baby your gonna say "I bet
this would have been a lot better if I read the first seven."  Well your right
it would have.

        The severe inauguration of Pat Buchanan

        <As my first act as president I will kill all the hippies>

        <Man am I glad Pat's gonna be president>

        <BAM>

        <Damn psychos always killing the extremists>

        WOW THE OSCARS ARE ON!!!!

        oh wait a second *CLICK*

        yeah a "cops" marathon     sweet sweet fox

ride the snake ride the kings highway baby ride the snake he's old and his
skin is cold.  I'm gonna try Mercuri again.

When will the phones evil ringing end?

fuck this I quit.