============================================================================ ============================================================================ ______________________________ \______ \______ \______ \_ .-------|Ú- | |Ú- | |Ú- | |-------. | || _ .'| _ || | | | | | | | | | | | | `-+-----| | | | | | |-----+-' | |____| _:|____| _:|____ _:| | `-+--------`----'----`----'----`----'-fh+-' ============================================================================ ============================================================================ radioactive aardvark dung * issue number seven * released august 04 1996 without prejudice and explicit reservation of all my rights, UCC 1-207 rad mega'zine whq is -- erebus - sysop: hooch @ 201-762-1373 "jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole." ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "introduction" written by - mercuri rad eight is out, and there's nothing you can do about, crapface. quit smiling, ninkumpoop. handle is has writer blockage, doubletime. he tried to write something about mr. belvedere the super hero, it was so bad he didn't even show it to me. "wesely." so he's not in this issue. but he's with us in spirit, and he's in a much better place now. amen. "kevin!" the rest of the issue is just pretty much me. yahoo. but, yaknow, i'm a pretty damn good writer if i just rush through stuff, if i go slowly i tend to analyze stuff more and make it worse. the introduction to rad seven was a rush-job, and that was PRIME. rad is going to be smaller from now on. because everyone knows small is cute. and we're just trying to be cute, because we all know the muslims hate cute. whimsical lovable phorce has joined the rank of our legions as a another co-editor. fear not ye citizens of cyberspace, handle is still with us. i axed phorce to joing because we need more variety in our articles, since we have no submissions coming in. which is really no surprise. damn those atheistic pinkos. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "it's like you have to have a college degree to work these things!#" written by - mercuri manny stepped onto the elevator, the woman in the elevator said "hi" to him. woman: "have you had this room service in this hotel?" manny: "no, i'm just meeting a friend here." woman: "oh, you mean a prostitute!" manny: "no, a friend." woman: "well, prostitutes can be friends." manny: "no they can't." woman: "yes they can." manny: "fine, they can. but that's not what i'm here for. i'm supposed to buy the post corporation." woman: "no you're not." manny: "yes i am." woman: "no you're not." manny: "yes i am!" woman: "no you're not." manny: "fine, let's just say i'm not so you'll be quiet." woman: "i knew all along you weren't buying the cereal company." manny: "why isn't the elevator moving?" woman: "it's probably one of them damn-jew elevators." manny: "what?" woman: "it's probably one of them damn-jew elevators." manny: "who are you, hitler?!" hitler: "no, i'm stalin." manny: "what?!" stalin: "just kidding. i'm betsy ross." manny: "shutup." besty ross: "no, really. i'm sorry if i'm coming on a little rough to you. nice to to meet you, my name's winston churchill." manny: "shutup! why the fuck isn't this elevator moving?!" *smack* manny: "what the fuck was that for?!" *smack* manny: "ow, you bitch!" *smack* winston churchill: "never cuss in front of a woman." manny: "but i thought you were winston churchill! (sarcasm)" woman: "oh, so now it's a sexist thing, huh? you pig!" manny: "that's it, i'm sick of you. why isn't this elevator moving?! let's just cooperate and try to get out of here. do you have anything we can pry the doors open with?" woman: "yeah, you're big hard dick." manny: "skank." *smack* manny: "okay, nevermind." two hours and nineteen smacks later, manny gets an idea. manny: "oh my god!" *click* (manny pushes the "floor 20" button) the elevator begins to move. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ mercuri: "i think we should sink cuba & britain." handle: "is that your new hobby now merc? sinking islands? that's all you talk about." mercuri: "well it wouldn't be a good idea to sink britain, because that would leave the irish and the scottish would be dead." handle: "yeah, gotta save them scotts (sarcasm)." mercuri: "wait, cuba has really good soil. hmm..." ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "irc log" captured by - mercuri *** Mode change "-+b *!*Panther@206.100.36.*" on channel #zines by bF *** Win14Him has been kicked off channel #zines by bF (| PhoEniX with Fluff Mods |) well how come ya didnt kick me because i want to fuck you up the ass pheonix huh give me your sweet virgin cock, crash33 they call me the virgin surgeon Hey bF do you live in Phoenix yeah i do haha fucking retard good what is your last name phear my name is francis phear surel look me up some time dont worry i will stop by some time Maybe ill even drop by dont worry i will i'll make it worth your trouble ok, shithead you do that yeah sounds good i'll be waiting with some handcuffs & a bullwhip & a whole lot of gay porn & some popcorn ok i will we'll have a gay ol' time ummmmmm you are a jew, right, crash33? im not a JEW nope well its been nice bye everyone don't leave us, cupcake! see ay ya *** Crash33 has left channel #zines at 01:00AM * mercuri's note: bF, of pEz & dto fame, now has his own 'zine, again, called "rice". it's a literary militia, goddamnit. go find some issues on their website "www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rice". or on phorce's ftp site ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce ============================================================================ ============================================================================ if they had the technology now to make a spoon & fork hybird, what in the heck would the call it? we think they would call it a foon. fork + spoon = foon. get it? ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "famous gimps of history" written by - mercuri many of the most famous people have been gimps throughout the ages, here is an almost complete list: sonny bono socrates julius caesar ghandi bhudda the elephant man (yeah, i was surprised too!) karl marx that frozen bronze-age guy they found in a glacier thomas jefferson jerry garcia flipper ghandi ghandi flipper darwin ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "jerry springer & miscellaneous idiots" written by - mercuri i'm sure all of you readers have seen the jerry springer show. if you haven't you might like to know that it's one of those problematic talk shows. moving on, i swear to god he has the stupidest audience in existence, they follow him like he's their messiah. "jerry! show 'em how you walk on water!" i've watched jerry springer for two weeks straight just so i could write this file. the people in the audience are morons, not only do they chant "jerry!" over & over again (ala arsenio hall) but they're idiots! have i said their idiots? anyway, here's some examples to prove that his audience is made up of idiots. jerry: "so, tanisha, you beat your kids?" tanisha: "yes jerry, i beat my kids. that's the only way they listen." jerry: "well, the way i see it, you should stop beating your kids & talk to them instead!" at this point the crowd roars with thier approval. hello? duh. isn't that the most obvious answer? here are some other things the crowd might also approve of: "i think you should stop licking bananas if you hate them so much!" "why don't you just tell yourself 'i won't be a prostitute anymore.'" "if you don't like soap, don't use it!" "why don't you just tell them how you feel?!" "if it hurts, then don't pour salt on it!" at the end of this show they show clips of guests who write poems (that don't ryhme well) about how much they love jerry, and how far they traveled to see his show. idiots. how i loathe my fellow mortals. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ if only i could get rip taylor to write for us, he's sooo funny. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "play it again teddy" written by - k0de billy looked through the old toys that were in the bin. He dug a little deeper and found a transformer, being a kid of the 90's he had no idea what is was and that it posessed a hidden identity. He then found an action hero with blond hair and a sword. he threw it to the side. it wasn't a power ranger. he came upon a stuffed animal. it was a friendly looking brown bear with some buttons in the back. he pressed the one with the arrow and teddy came to life. he told billy a story about flying in a baloon and being nice to everyone. billy thought that it was a really neat stuffed animal and he gave the lady a quarter and went home. he listened to the bear's stories for hours at a time. he had almost memorized the story about the big red balloon. time passed and billy got tired of that bear. he threw it in the closet. years later he came upon that bear named "teddy". he played the tape that he once used to know so well. he got bored with that old tape pretty fast and thought it'd be cool to pop in a rancid tape. he pushed the play button and watched teddy's mechanical mouth move faster than ever before. he once again thought that bear was cool. billy bought teddy a leather suit and pierced several places of his body. teddy had truly become and alterna-punk bear. he was hardkore now and everyone knew it. billy brought the bear along with him to a freinds house one day. teddy was introduced to the world of drinking. teddy had "a little too many" one day and was laying on the floor in billy's room. he was looking underneath billy's bed when he came upon a casette. "ALRIGHT! NEW MUSIC!" cried Teddy. teddy grabbed the tape and read "gree.. green d d... green day, sounds okay." "Now how do i stick it into my back..?" teddy laid the cassette on the floor and rolled over it until it clicked into place. he used billy's chinese backscratcher to push the play button. teddy died that day, his gears were not meant for such hardkore stuff. when billy came home all he could see was bits of fur strewn about in the room. the remains too badly damaged to positively identify it. moral: shoulda bought the transformer. [--------] * mercuri's note: i think _i_ know who has a teddy ruxbin. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "jim and his guns" written by - phorce boy, jim sure did love his guns! they were everything to him! jim kept his gun collection shiny and always ready for exhibition in his deluxe-finish all-wood wild-west gun rack. boy, did he like showing off his guns to the small town of millsford, michigan. every day, jim polished his guns with such pride that he could not keep himself from singing a merry tune to himself. "whistle while you polish, dah dah dah dee dah dee dah," jim sang to himself as he buffed the last cubic centimeter of his browning 9 millimeter. hey! did i say "cubic centimeter"?! that must mean that jim was raised outside of the united states!# "jim" - hmm... jim could be short for... BORIS JIMMSKY, THE RUSSIAN COMMUNIST!# "DIRTY RED!" cried the armed and angry mob as they broke into the now-exposed communist's home. "CAPITALIST PIGS!" cried boris jimmsky as he hurriedly loaded and tried to fire his many guns at the barrage of michigan-raised, true-blue american people. however, his efforts were in vain as the now-empowered batallion of down-home americans stamped out the last traces of communism in their small town. (well - excepting mr. ling at the chinese restaurant - them chinese are red devils, they are...) * mercuri's note: read y0lk. ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk or www.openix.com/~phorce/y0lk ============================================================================ ============================================================================ a small sidenote for all spanish speakers and spanish students, communist in spanish is "communista". (koh-mo-nee-stah) notice that's in feminine form, ahahah! ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "unsorted olympic shtick" submitted by - mercuri as of now -- august one -- these are the olymic medal standings taken from http://www.cnn.com/. yeah, i know what you're thinking -- "how come uganda isn't doing better this year?" to that, there is no answer, maybe the best answer is that it all comes down to nerves. [--------] COUNTRY GOLD SILVER BRONZE TOTAL ======= ==== ====== ====== ===== United States 27 30 15 72 Russia 21 15 8 44 Germany 11 12 20 43 China 14 16 10 40 Australia 7 9 18 34 France 13 6 14 33 Italy 11 6 9 26 Cuba 3 5 8 16 Canada 2 8 6 16 Ukraine 6 2 7 15 Korea 4 7 4 15 Romania 4 5 6 15 Poland 6 5 3 14 Netherlands 2 4 8 14 Belarus 1 5 8 14 Hungary 4 3 6 13 Britain 1 4 6 11 Japan 3 4 3 10 Brazil 3 2 5 10 Bulgaria 0 4 4 8 Greece 4 3 0 7 New Zealand 3 2 1 6 Kazakhstan 2 3 1 6 Belgium 2 2 2 6 North Korea 2 1 3 6 Switzerland 4 1 0 5 Spain 2 1 2 5 Czech Republic 1 2 2 5 Ireland 3 0 1 4 Turkey 3 0 1 4 South Africa 2 1 1 4 Denmark 2 1 1 4 Sweden 1 2 1 4 Norway 1 1 2 4 Jamaica 1 2 0 3 Finland 1 2 0 3 Kenya 0 2 1 3 Ethiopia 2 0 0 2 Armenia 1 1 0 2 Indonesia 1 0 1 2 Yugoslavia 1 0 1 2 Slovak Republic 1 0 1 2 Slovenia 0 2 0 2 Austria 0 1 1 2 Iran 0 1 1 2 Syria 1 0 0 1 Hong Kong 1 0 0 1 Costa Rica 1 0 0 1 Ecuador 1 0 0 1 Malaysia 0 1 0 1 Uzbekistan 0 1 0 1 Chinese Taipei 0 1 0 1 Argentina 0 1 0 1 Namibia 0 1 0 1 Croatia 0 1 0 1 Mongolia 0 0 1 1 Georgia 0 0 1 1 Trinidad & Tobago 0 0 1 1 Moldova 0 0 1 1 Nigeria 0 0 1 1 Israel 0 0 1 1 Mozambique 0 0 1 1 Morocco 0 0 1 1 Mexico 0 0 1 1 Uganda 0 0 1 1 [--------] did you know they actually have a "walkrun" event? what they do is they speedwalk on a track. SPEEDWALK! can you believe that? someone was disqualified, or as we like to say "DQ'd", for breaking into a mild jog. how hard can the training for this be? and are there national teams? if there aren't, where do they find these athletes? sure, i can poke fun... but these are the guys who can go back to their country proudly, hold the gold medal triumphantly, and say "i'm the best walker in the entire world!" can they break speed records? do they have coaches? do they train? should schools have walking tournaments? these are all questions that need to be answered. [--------] john tesh is covering gymnastics? what sort of credentials does he have? i mean, i flipped my ass over a pommel horse in elementary school too, but i won't be covering olympic gymnastics. he made two really stupid comments. the first one was; "what makes the pommel horse so hard to stay on?" is that a joke? hmmm... it might have something to do with hand standing on a relatively small beam and breakdancing. yeah, i think that might have something to do with it. oh yeah, maybe those thousands of people in the stadium, and billions of people watching on television add pressure to it. but that's just an assumption. while some guy was on the rings, he said; "he makes it look so easy." woah, back up. the man is holding his body parallel to the ground with his arms, and somehow he magically makes it look easy? i nearly killed myself attempting the same stunt in my basement. they should've warned me. i hate you john tesh... or should i say ALIEN BOY?! [--------] the last night of men's gymnastics they allowed them to do whatever they wanted, it wasn't competing, they just did what they wanted to for fun. well, the russian did floor excercises to "bad to the bone" and then some chinaman did floor excercises to "born to be wild". what a joke, i hate it when foreigners try to act american. like when you see a picture of a chinese guy wearing a cowboy hat. can he look more out of place? that's like me walking around in a kimono with wooden shoes and a bamboo shoot with buckets of rice on the ends. if i were him, i would have chosen "everybody was kung-fu fighting" or "wang-chung". if i were the russian, something tasteful like "back in the USSR". [--------] the ancients used crude wooden bows and arrows in their archery tournaments, modern day athletes have fiberglass jobbies with practically an onboard computer. give me wrist supports, telescopes, gyroscopes, lining devices and other miscellaneous whatnots and i'll hit the god damn target too. [--------] thanks to the idiots who planned out the opening ceremonies europe is under the dillusion we say "how y'all doin?" and drive trucks. gee, thanks atlanta. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "y0u lAmR!$&%*" submitted by - jestapher ...You have just entered WildChat... ...You have just entered the WildChat Main Room... You are in the WildChat Main Room... (Type /? for help) Dakk, Sean are here with you... Sean: hello :y0 ...Message Sent... Sean: what up? :Not much, and you? ...Message Sent... :So, who's into HPACV? ...Message Sent... Dakk: what? Sean: huh? :Heating/Plumbing/Air Conditioning/Ventalation ...Message Sent... Dakk: um....not me Sean: uhhh hmmmm :Energy efficient housing, that's what I say. :/quit ============================================================================ ============================================================================ i'm tired & sick of people saying stupid things. AHahAhaHAh!@$!($()$! the joke's on me!@#$&*@!^$!@$&)!@($(!@ ahhHAhah*(@!&$!)@$(!*)_@($_)@!$)@_)@!$)(!_)$@!)_)@!$)_$ ahahahahAHhahaHAhahA hahHAHhah(*&@!)$)(!@$_)@$()@!$)$(+@$= - mercuri ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "the marx brothers" written by - mercuri harpo, groucho, zeppo, gummo & chico. socialismo? a plot from the high command or merely a comedy act? YOU BE THE JUDGE. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ no shitty submissions, please. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ radioactive aardvark dung * a monthly 'zine published by aardvark industries president/head editor/writer * mercuri * vice-president/writer * handle raD mega'zine whq is * erebus * sysop * hooch @ 201-762-1373 ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/RAD * rad@erebus.magsystems.com be sure to read rad-dist.ro http://pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad/ ============================================================================ ============================================================================