============================================================================ ============================================================================ $$$$$ü$8@o, ,o@8$ü$8@o, $$$$$ü$8@o, ,o@8$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$8@o, ,$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$,$8½ü' $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$, $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$g$8½ü' ,o@8$ü$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ü$8@o, $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ `$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$ZE$ $$$$$$$$' `ü½8$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ Pü?$$ $$$$$ Pü?$$ $$$$$ $$$8½ü' $$$$$ `ü½8$@o',8$g$$$$$@o',$$g$8½ü' r a d i o a c t i v e a a r d v a r k d u n g =========================================================================== =========================================================================== radioactive aardvark dung % issue #11 % released december 02nd, ninety-six without prejudice and explicit reservation of all my rights, ucc 1-207 rad e-zine whq is erebus % sysop :: hooch @ 201-762-1373 ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "introduction" prescribed by - mercuri i'd just like to say that i'm the reason the russian mars space probe plummeted to its watery demise; for yelstin's massive heart attacks, and the reason for the russian withdrawl from chechnya. busy bees -- that's what we are. lot's of new stuff happening in this here issue... [-----] POST OFFICE BOX! you can send us anything you want! your print zine, money, unmarked bills, mula, cash, unused toothbrushes/toothpicks, the head of gennady zyuganov, albums -- anything! rad e-zine po box 584 crown point, in 46307 [-----] T-SHIRTS! that's right! i've been asked if this is for real: *YES*, this is not a joke we really are selling t-shirts. the t-shirt is black & on the front it says "RAD" (but with a back- wards "D" like the NIN logo) below that it says "closer to dung." on the back it says "radioactive aardvark dung." there are pictures enclosed in this zip file: front.gif - frontal view of the shirt back.gif - ass-end view of shirt cost is $15.00 flat -- we pay the shipping. orders will not be shipped until after christmas; we don't want your shirt to get lost in the holiday rush. for more information & pictures go to: http://www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad/rad-ts.html send your money to: rad e-zine po box 584 crown point, in 46307 [-----] IRC! we've set up a channel bot in #RAD on efnet (irc.phoenix.net, and others). come stop by and say hello to dungbot and you'll be added to the bot. all RAD members get ops -- all readers are criticized for their political and religious views. /msg dungbot hello all RAD members are encouraged to hang out in that channel as well as all RAD readers. the bot gives you the latest news and files. [-----] ANSI! RAD is being distributed in a premier ansi group's releases... with luck, both sides should benefit from this. check out #polyester on irc, or waddle your pathetic ass over to http://www.widomaker.com/~drseuss/poly. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ give peace a chance? you never even gave war a chance, you dickheads. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "where did i come from?" written by - handle my life is utterly horrible. want an example? well just a few seconds ago i was reading relish6 when my mother came into my room. *shudder* oh, yeah. she came in without knocking too. that's just the kind of person she is. anyways this is how the conversation went... "nate, i'm going to walgreens. stay here because i'm leaving your sister. i'll be home soon. do you need anything?" "..." "..." "..." "are you ignoring me?" "yes." "why? is something wrong?" "i always ignore you. please shut the door on your way out." instead of leaving like i requested she decided that she would be better off reading what was on my computer screen because she has no life of her own. we've lived in this town for ten years now and she has yet to make any friends. that's how likeable she is. anyways, i'm getting off topic. what was on the screen was this . . . "Halloween. The simple mention of the name calls to mind demonic hellspawn & Satanic minions stalking the Earth to sip the blood of fetuses & rape small kittens. Err, well, I guess that Halloween calls that stuff to mind of SOME people. I guess I just wanted to say that there's more to Halloween than taking a dump in your Grandpa's mail..." after about twenty-five seconds she had gotten down to the second line and said... "santanic, *gasp*" and no that wasn't an error, she actually said santanic. besides being an annoying bitch she is also rock stupid. "please leave, mom." "are you crabby today?" god this has to be the worst question anybody could possibly ask you. what could make your demeanor more unpleasant than being asked this question? "i wasn't until you came in here." "why are you being so hateful?" i wanted to tell her that i hated it when every so often she'd start to feel guilty about ignoring me my whole life, and would try to act concerned. but i couldn't, showing no emotion at all was just the thing to spite this hell demon. and don't think i'm trying to gain sympathy by saying my parents don't love me. not paying any attention to me was the best present my mom could have given me growing up. i can't stand her presence. just then my step-dad came in and inadvertainly broke the ice by jerking around like there was a bee in his pants, grabbing my mom's head and pretend hitting it saying, "i'm gonna thump you". he also runs around the house a lot repeatedly sticking his thumbs in the air and making strange noises. (as i'm writing this my sister just came into my room, saying "i heard a funny noise downstairs" i replied with "no you didn't, you just want to come in here" she then said "i know, but i like to be in here" for some reason she has some strange infatuation with being in my room, it's sickening. she's always trying to come in here, even when i have people over. please excuse me while i forcefully expell her from my room...) okay i'm back. my sister is the only person i've ever met that's stupider than my mom. because of that reason she's always getting all the attention, thank god. if i had to put up with my parents on a daily basis i wouldn't be alive right now. so back to the dialog, after his unbareably hilarious display of fake hitting my step-dad said... "nate, we're going to walgreens." "i heard." "he's being crabby." "oh really, i'll knock you around so hard..." (jokingly) yes, of course jokingly. i have no loyalty to anyone. especially these two. if he even threatened me once i'd call the cops before he blinked. thankfully then, the idiot duo left and i felt i had to right this to get the anger out of my system. hope you enjoyed it! ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "short funny #1" thought of by - mercuri boy's cutdown: "you swing like a girl, you fag!" corresponding girl's cutdown: "you sew like a boy, you dyke!" ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "FUBAR" submitted by - mercuri things are really fucked up these days. the other day my cousin called up my brother on the telephone and she started hitting on him and eventually asked him out. back in the olden days, my brother would have been the one calling my cousin. damn feminist movement. it all started with women's suffrage, then it all went down hill. it's getting to the point where they don't even want to have they babies anymore. they just want to chew tobacco and milk the cows -- "just like the guys." barefoot and pregnent cooking supper. that's the place for a woman. yeehaw! ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "funny jokes" submitted by - mercuri Q: what do you call 50 moslems in a bar? A: 50 camel-humpers! Q: what do you call 50 black men in a bar? A: 50 niggers! Q: what do you call 50 jewish people in a bar? A: 50 kikes! Q: what do you call 50 chinese people in a bar? A: 50 chinks! Q: what do you call 50 koreans in a bar? A: 50 gooks! Q: what do you call 50 irish people in a bar? A: 50 drunks! Q: what do you call 50 german people in a bar? A: 50 nazis! Q: what do you call 50 russians in a bar? A: 50 communists! Q: what do you call 50 americans in a bar? A: 50 yanks! Q: what do you call 50 mexicans in a bar? A: 50 people who are living proof indians had sex with buffalos! maybe i'll feel like typing up more funny jokes next issue. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ peaceful protest means you have the right to protest peace. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "imperial butter!" submitted by - mercuri remember those commercials from the mid to late 80s for imperial brand butter? the kid would wake up in a dead sleep with a craving for some butter. "tommy, get in bed -- now!" "but, mom ..." "put that stick of butter down and get to bed!" if my calculations are correct - and he is still consuming butter at the same or faster rate he is probably in the mayo clinic right now. "you really need to cut down on your butter intake." and what the hell was with that crown? "imperial butter!" *poof* "gasp! a crown!" butter must make you rich or something. on the same note, i wonder if zack is still a lego maniac? ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "pubes" submitted by - handle note from handle: in RAD 10 metalchick gave us a really embarrasing poem that cerkit wrote. well, after reading it i immediately recognized that cerkit gave me a poem also; it was very similar to the now famous "3 stars." i'm guessing it must be a sequel. so now for your reading enjoyment, the sequel to "3 stars," "curly pubes!" original: sequel: 3 stars, i see curly pubes, i see when light is dim when i'm with my kin less one head i feel two balls and less one limb they slap my chin or is it my homeland or is it my knee pads i have lost i have lost i know i win my knees are sore at this cost at this cost let two stars let dad's penis now stand and shine now stand and shine and down into i do the work the dotted line but i'm getting mine we draw this life i give dad head which we share with no despair further into apair he blows his load my eyes now stare into my hair does it end does it end hath it start hath it start is this the middle is this the shaft what is this part? what is this part? am i no one with my hand or am i him i release his skin 3 stars i see curly pubes, i see when lights when i'm with are dim my kin ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "addendum to the 'foon' piece in rad eight" submitted by - tmm the obviously radical & innovative idea of combining a fork & a spoon in one piece of silverware is in no way, shape, form or fashion unique to mercuri's brain. in fact, a similar invention, which was invented in the forties for soldiers in world war two (which dumbfounds me even more because of all people, mercuri should know this) has been in production ever since. the name of this subversive piece of machinery is a "spork," not a "foon." in fact, the only "foon" i see here is mercuri, who is a "buffoon" for saying such ignorant things. oh yeah, the spork was discontinued from mass production in the mid-eighties, the sales were paltry. but you can still find them today in a friendly non-biodegradable plastic form at kentucky fried chicken. * authors note: some people asked me how i know this. well, my grandfather was the inventor of the spork, & my father carried on the family tradition until our family business went under in the mid-eighties. we've lived in poverty ever since. so fuck you, mercuri. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "disney is so lucky" written by - handle man those people over at disney are so lucky. they get to have a twenty-five year anniversary every year and i'm stuck with jack-shit. three years ago i'm watching tv, commercial comes on celebrating disney's twenty- five year anniversary. two years ago i'm watching tv, different commercial comes on celebrating disney's twenty-five year anniversary. last year i'm watching tv, yet another commercial celebrating disney's twenty-five year anniversary comes on. five minutes ago i was watching tv, guess what happened? exactly how old is the disney corporation? i've decided that this tuesday will mark my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary to my fake wife. you can all send presents if you want to. next thursday will mark my twenty-five year reunion to the highschool which i have yet to graduate from. presents would be appreciated. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "2 kewl 4 u" captured by - mercuri WAY2COOL buffer saved on Sat Nov 23 07:03:48 1996 hello (mercuri) hi! talk to me babe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x!x scaning way2cool's whois info... /-- WAY2COOL -- - - | address : (kphu@Bayou.UH.EDU) | ircname : [I have found my dream man] | channels : #ChInEsE | server : becker1.u.washington.edu (mercuri) are you a chink? i know you here!! tiffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff!!!!! forgot me already?? (mercuri) uh. (mercuri) i don't think i ever knew you. are u tiffany??? (mercuri) no i m not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the 14 years old kid?? (mercuri) nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are u sure?? (mercuri) yeah, i'm pretty damn sure i'm not 14, jack-ass! so who are u?? (mercuri) eat shit and bark at the moon!!!!!!! (mercuri) the name is rebel, johnny rebel fuckyou you little sorry ass!!! (mercuri) you're the sorry ass hitting on a 14 year old girl!!!!!! that's a fucking gay ass name!! (mercuri) what's a fucking gay ass name!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????? fuck you little shit!! i'm only 15 asshole!! (mercuri) what a jerk u r!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but my dick as big as your dad!!!maybe bigger!!! (mercuri) uh (mercuri) what the fuck? (mercuri) you fucking pervert (mercuri) that's fucking disgusting (mercuri) do you always proclaim your dick size when you're being mocked? that's not what your ugly mama told me last night!! (mercuri) that makes absofuckinglutely no sense you stupid piece of chinese shit. last night your ugly mama scream like a hornieass bitch!! (mercuri) you're getting your verb tenses mixed up you damn chink. End of WAY2COOL buffer Sat Nov 23 07:03:48 1996 ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "fingering out dirty reds" told by - tmm point one: president clinton met with chinese president jiang zemin last week in an effort to boost lagging us-sino relations. point two: in order to do this, the us must sacrifice relations with taiwan, because us-sino relations & us-taiwan relations trade-off. you can't have both. point three: taiwan is a budding democracy. point four: president clinton smiled at the press conference. what does all this mean? conclusion: president clinton has turned his back on world-wide democracy & has chosen to spend his time (& enjoy it too) with chinese communists that want to take over the world. using nothing but flawless logic, we can all see that clinton is a communist, & an evil one at that. ========================================================================== ============================================================================ "significant" written by - handle why do teachers need a lounge? teaching is their work. what about a bricklayer's lounge? how about a drive-thru attendants lounge? you really shouldn't be lounging on the job. [-----] who's the first person to spell it "drive-thru"? why did everyone else decide to do the same? is it spelled "drive-thru" in the dictionary? and speaking of firsts, i wondered what happened the first time someone used the "your mom" comeback. "you're such a faggot." "your mom." "where?" "huh?" "what did he mean by that?" why did this phrase ever catch on? [-----] there was a mark his mom was a yuppie he played in the park with a yellow little puppy he crawled in and out of his very own anus which standing alone isn't that heinous but i think you'll agree sticking flashlights in your asshole to collect shit on the end and then smearing it on the wall is pretty darn disgusting [-----] why don't white people watch shows like "martin" and "moesha"? because they're not good. they're crap; plain and simple. why do black people watch them? don't ask me, apparently they have some sort of unity. wake up people, theres no such thing as a racist white man. we can't stand each other either. [-----] bill clinton? people all over the country are whining about having a criminal in the whitehouse, yet he sure did seem to be quite popular during election times. stand up for yourselves. i agree, clinton shouldn't be in the white house. but not because he's a criminal, you have to be a criminal to become president. we should get rid of him because he got caught. electoral votes? gee, i used to think we voted for the president. what's with this? we all know the president is elected by his fellow politicians, so why do we all think it's so important we vote? i know why, so we feel secure. were not smart enough to rule ourselves and the government knows it. i give them a big thumbs up for helping us out. [-----] the world is in a state of limbo that hasn't changed for the last 50 years. all of our issues are all very petty. we need a good nuclear war to stir things up. countries taking over other countries, struggling for power. that's why god made us, for entertainment. these last 50 years must have been like a commercial for him. [-----] through the 50's, 60's, and 70's young people fought to not be held back and be allowed to wear, say, and do what they want. well they won, and they lost all dicipline. now us, they're kids, are growing up how they would have liked to. there's only one problem. what do we have to fight for? nothing, so we all pretend that we do to be considered cool. everyone needs somekind of conflict or goal and my generation doesn't have any. that's why we've all degenerated into mindless idiots. i give thumbs up to mtv for cashing in on this. you can point fingers all you want. but sooner or later you have to face it. our current situation isn't the fault of mtv or the entertainment industry. they're the smart ones, all they've done is take a cut out of the cash cow that is our ignorance. stop pointing fingers and do something about it. shake things up, go out and kill someone today. or at least have some fun with a retarded kid -- that will get people's attention. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "who & why?" submitted by - mercuri "president clinton visited bangkok, thailand this week to meet with the king of thailand. it is the first time in twenty-seven years a US president has visited thailand." "president clinton is the first democratic president to be re-elected since roosovelt." no, this is not an article about president clinton. this is about the people who take the time to figure out when the last time something happened was. pay attention to CNN or headline news, & any newspaper. you'll see it all the time. "this makes it the first time since ..." who takes the time to figure this stuff out? "i got a real good story i'd like to put on the front page!" "when was the last time it happened?" "34 years ago! on a VERY snowy day!" "great! have it on my desk by five!" who knows. maybe i'm just being a little bit too over analytical so i have something to write about. [-----] "he kept to himself. he was a real nice man, i never suspected a thing." that's what they always say about criminals. man, when i move into an apartment i hope to god i have the rudest, smelliest, nappiest, loudest neighbors a guy can have. at least that way i'll know they're good people. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ radioactive aardvark dung e-zine % issue #11 rad e-zine :: po box 584 :: crown point, in :: 46307 rad e-zine whq is erebus % sysop :: hooch @ 201-762-1373 get past & future issues from :: ftp.openix.com/ftp/phorce/rad send us your comments & submissions :: rad@alfheim.net special updates % "subscribe rad" in message body www site :: http://pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad attn sysops :: be sure to read distro.app ============================================================================ ============================================================================