============================================================================ ============================================================================ . . "o. $$$$g*"SSg. $$Sg, ;$s "$$$" $$$;.gSS$" *, g@SSP" *, ;$$$$P" |$l :$$ $$$i$$$" $$; $$$ ;$, s$$$$$s :$$; $$ `~$$$ $$i.$$$ $$; `$7""$$$i, $$i I$ ,s" *g$$$;$$$ $$$ ` `"O$$b :$$: I$ J$$ $$$i$$$ i$$$ gS$; "$$$|$l $$ "7$$s_,s$$$1$$$s.,d$$$" "$$%,. .,*$$$$, *ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ,$$P"!@S$$$SS$$S@!"#$$$',S$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$7 lm ~""""""~ ~" ~~ ============================================================================ ============================================================================ Radioactive Aardvark Dung E-Zine :: ISSN 1092-5449 Issue #14 % Released March 15th, 1997 Without Prejudice and Explicit Reservation of All My Rights, UCC 1-207 ============================================================================ ============================================================================ Mildly amusing. Rather sassy. Somewhat laughable. These are all words that come to mind when one thinks of Radioactive Aardvark Dung E-zine. Ladies and Gentlewomen, we've got one Hell of an issue for you this month, and we had a heck of a time putting it together. Who says writing an e-zine isn't fun? (rhetorical) A few months ago Styx was saying to himself, "Self, you need to write for RAD." And, by God, he did. He's got a small (but funny!) piece this issue. We also welcome John "Wildwood" Nelson to the club: believe it or not, he studied Shakespeare and Vonnegut before writing for us. So I'm going to end this introduction short & let you get on to reading them good stuffs inside. Remember to visit our web site, or I'll get Wildwood to hurt you. http://www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad/ (Frames capable browser only.) ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "Fireside Chat" Minister of Propaganda, Mercuri E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net Let me explain something to you, gentle reader. It's not that we here at RAD don't get submissions -- we do, but the quality of the submissions is extremely poor, and that is no exaggeration. Deciding what is and is not funny isn't that easy, but it's not what I would call rocket science. If you have to make the plot so outlandish and fantastic that you have Cheeze Wiz, Spam, or Mentos coming out of someone's green buttcrack, it probably isn't funny and it definitely won't be accepted. Here's an example of some typical submission I might get: Johnny was a nice neighborhood kid, but he had a problem, he liked to eat barbie doll heads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His sister, Shanequah, queen of the African Jungle, would tell his mother, the Hamburgler, about this and she would get mad at Johnny and tell him to go to bed without his dinner (2 cans of Spam, a bottle of Cheeze Wiz, and a roll of Mentos). Yeah, you laugh, but if you look at some of our failed submission issues this is exactly the kind of crap you read. Very pathetic. So people, please, please, for the love of God, don't give us shitty submissions. I'll reiterate this once again: NO ARTICLES CONTAINING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: * Communist/Socialist/Marxist undertones &/or overtones. * IRC Logs * Stories that try to be wacky by having a shitty, pointless, plot with many coincidences. Submit quality. RAD was founded on one thing: to bring humor on to the Internet. Sure, it exists on the Internet, but much of this is "computer-related" humor. Yes, UNIX jokes are funny sometimes, but issue-of-the-day jokes are much better. People get enough seriousness and psycho-babble bullshit throughout the day. RAD is their chance to lower their standards, let their hair(s) down, and get stupid. C'mon -- it's fun, everyone's doing it -- you're not chicken, are ya? What does this all mean for you, the writer? It means we don't and won't accept anything serious; all articles must be humorous. Now we've had "serious" things before -- I'm usually serious about things that piss me off -- but I somehow make it funny, or at least I try. If you're not sure what I mean, read through some issues and develop a feel for the e-zine. NO ARTICLES CONTAINING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: * Communist/Socialist/Marxist undertones &/or overtones. * IRC Logs * Stories that try to be wacky by having a shitty, pointless, plot with many coincidences. NO ARTICLES CONTAINING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: * Communist/Socialist/Marxist undertones &/or overtones. * IRC Logs * Stories that try to be wacky by having a shitty, pointless, plot with many coincidences. Now that you know what we expect of you, you're ready to send us your files. You'll need to send e-mail to jwapienn@pla-net.net and attach your plain ASCII text file to the message. You can also put it as the body of the message; just make sure I get it. Give us a few days to look over it, and we will definitely get back to you regardless of the outcome. Keep trying: writing skills, as well as all skills, are only developed well with practice. Don't worry about retarded grammar, paragraph positioning, or anything else -- we'll (I mean Phorce) do the editing! [Ed. Note: But we wouldn't mind it if you *did* give your work a "once-over" either.] NO ARTICLES CONTAINING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: * Communist/Socialist/Marxist undertones &/or overtones. * IRC Logs * Stories that try to be wacky by having a shitty, pointless, plot with many coincidences. Got that? ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "Top Secret Haikus" Written By - John Wildwood Nelson E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net (subject: to wildwood) A collection of works from one of our generations most veered poets: Haikus ~~~~~~ My friend has no legs I bought him a new skateboard Rides in the sunset A large man hit me He urinated on me He took my wallet Go to the circus Bearded lady is in heat We all float down here I made a pillow From an elephants scrotum Oh, bristly pubes Crawl inside a butt It is nice and warm in there But don't light a match My name is beaver I have only one finger Put it in your mouth Can you see my mouse He lives in my coat pocket He will bite you hard Yack mother gives birth Grunting and straining noises Miracle of life My dog is skinny She likes to eat rocks and sticks You can see her bones Evil janitors They come from Sweden and Spain Watch out for their keys I'm drunk on Drain-O I puked up my intestines They were green and blue Tankas ~~~~~~ Lightning strikes my head Discharges out of my foot My toe is puffy My right eyeball just popped out All of my flesh is charred off I think Iran sucks In Iran they eat gerbils I don't like Iran Everyone smells like camels Iranians don't have teeth ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "Big Bong Theory" Master of The Bong, Styx E-mail: styx@dto.net ok so likje first ggod was like "oky i wuill smoke this phhat bluntyt nd see whatg heppens rite?? so he did but hee did not lijke it...... thebn god wasd lijke oke" i will tajke some hitazz from thids bowl buyt he did nit like it.......... then god wass luijke"well ok then i wuill try this prity puprple bobng and hsee what hgappensed" and thgen god got reel high abd he sadd "thsi is goiod" ande made allk the spikcss and niggerezz ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "RAD Trivia" Honkey Tonk Handle E-mail: handle@pla-net.net In this article I put together some mock trivia questions meant to fool the reader (you) into thinking it's an actual contest. Two of the clues insinuating that this game of trivia isn't real include: that I've included no answers to the questions, and, frankly, some of them get a little wacky. Could these insane questions possibly be part of a real game of trivia? Why don't you check them out and decide for yourself? Question 1: Where do they get all those wonderful toys? a) Toys R Us b) Kay Bee Toys c) K-Mart d) Sears Question 2: How many times a day does Phorce spank his monkey? a) None, Phorce doesn't own a monkey b) He can't do it everyday because it would be necessary to go to the zoo. c) Never. Spanking a monkey would be cruelty to animals, and therefore would be against the law. d) Twice. Question 3: What does TMM say everytime he sends death threats to he president? a) Nothing, if TMM were to threaten the life of the president he would be promptly arrested by the secret service because this is not permitted by the laws of United States of America. b) Hello. (Though this may not be threatening, I once again must remind you that threatening the life of the president is against the law and not condoned by us here at RAD.) c) I'm going to kill you. d) Die. [Legal note: Choices B and C are not valid answers for question 3. That would suggest that TMM has threatened the president in the past, and he would promptly be put under investigation by the US government. Please do not threaten the president because of this question. We absolutely do _not_ condone threatening the president's person in any way, and if you do this we at RAD will not be held responsible for your actions.] Question 4: What member of the RAD High Society enjoys practicing the "walk like an Egyptian" dance in their spare time? a) TMM b) Mercuri C) Phorce d) None. There is no historic proof that Egyptian men and women would engage in walking in the manner described in this dance, therefore, we here at RAD would feel wrong contributing to a stereotype against the ancient Egyptian people and their culture. Question 5: What RAD writer has frequently enjoyed having sex with his sister? a) It was insinuated in past issues of RAD that Handle enjoyed to engage in copulation with his sister, but upon review he and the rest of the RAD staff have deemed this act immoral and they would not like to be associated with this practice any longer. b) Phorce c) Mercuri d) TMM ============================================================================ ============================================================================ RAD's word of the issue! Botulism: (boch-yoo-lizm) adj. A poor outlook on a situation. Example: John was being a botulist about the whole ordeal. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "Dear Merc," The Sultan of Shasta(tm), Mercuri E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net This is a note I received from my cat. It should explain itself. [-----] I have taken this crap all my life and I simply refuse to put up with it any longer. This is a list of my complaints and demands. Just because I walk past you doesn't mean I want to be picked up and held. Do you know how frightening it is to be walking around trying to get somewhere and a pair of giant paws come and sweep you off the ground and flip you onto your back and hold you there until they get sick of you? Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean you can throw me around at your liesure. I believe it was the great cat philosopher Mittens who once said, "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you." About this cat food I've been eating for the past seven years: I've been noticing my breath getting worse and worse, and yet there is nothing I can do about it. Please look into this. One thing that I have never found particularly amusing is when I get a piece of feces stuck to my fur and I don't notice. Sometimes I'll walk around for hours trying to get away from that "litterbox odor," but to no avail. You find this funny, but I don't. I demand that you keep my ass shaven to avoid further embarassment on my part. Now I come to the topic of lodging. Each night I am locked up in the basement. Do you realize how cold it gets down there during the winter at night? Judging from the frost on my whiskers (which are finally growing back), I would say at least 28 degrees (Fahrenheit, for our foreign readers). I would appreciate a space heater or some thick blankets, especially if my ass is kept shaven. I will freeze. Water. My water receptacle has fur in it. This is understandable because I am covered in fur, but please do your best to keep this clean, as I am not that picky. I realize that if you scratch in a certain spot behind my right ear it hits a nerve and makes my right foot thump sporadically. Please do not exploit this any longer for personal entertainment as it is not funny to the victim. Grooming. Licking daily may be enough for some cats, but not for us long hairs. Although I do enjoy licking myself and covering myself with the smell of my breath (sarcasm), I'd like to be brushed at least biweekly to keep from getting knots, as I have experienced these past six years. They're rather uncomfortable, and it feels like I'm wearing chain mail. Just because my tail is up in the air doesn't mean it may be used as a handle. I'd like to stop being referred to as a "pussy" cat, as I understand this has more than one negative connotation in your society and culture. I think that if all of my demands are carried out I will live a much longer, healthier, happier life. To summarize, if I had opposable thumbs I'd kick your ass. P.S. I'm sorry if I sound a bit pissy right now. As I am writing this, I am very mad. Please don't take me to the animal shelter or drop me off in the woods. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "Little America" Mongel of the Mysterious, Mercuri E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net In big cities you'll usually find small ethnic neighborhoods that become quite a tourist attraction. In Chicago you have your Chinatown, your Little Italy, etc, etc. So here's the problem: in China, do they have a UnitedStatestown? What about in Italy, do they have a Little United States? If they do, what the fuck does it look like? Does that little United States also have an even smaller Chinatown? These are all important questions that have not been raised before. I feel that if we all work together to solve my problems, the world will be a better a place. So how 'bout it? Foreign readers, what gives? ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "Dear Handle" Whore Hankering Handle E-mail: handle@pla-net.net Well, well, well. A couple of weeks ago, the "Dear Handle" section went up on the RAD webpage, giving all of you troubled souls an outlet for your problems. I must say that the turn-out was most excellent, even though at least 90% of the letters were about masturbating. Well, without further ado, here are the letters that weren't bad enough to not get accepted. [-----] Dear Handle, I love you. From, Phorce Well, frankly, this is the most disturbing letter that I recieved (not to say that the others weren't disturbing), so I guess I'll get it out of the way first. Phorce, first off, hi. Second, I think that you're a really swell guy and all, and to tell you the truth I am very strongly attracted to you and have had woken in many a sweats because of dreams about you. But I feel that in order to keep our relationship professional we need to keep our feelings buried. Please do not bring this up again. [-----] Dear Handle, Plead as i might, Mercuri will not change my email address on the Rad homepage. Gr, none of my fans will be able to contact me!@#@## From, Intrepid The only reason that I decided to put this letter in is the hilarious notion that Intrepid has fans. Funny, no? [-----] Dear Handle, I find when all my (male) friends strip nekkid to dress up in tight leather, put lipstick on, and paint their fingernails, I feel a little shy and unwilling. What should I do? From, One Eared Bunny Come on -- loosen up. Who cares if your friends like to get a little risque every once in a while? We here at Rad make sure to get together and play dress-up at least once a month. We find it eases tension. Well, everyone except for Mercuri, who usually pouts in the corner because he feels our time could be better spent taking over a third world country. [-----] Dear Handle, Last month I turned 12. Since I turned twelve, my voice has begun cracking, my genitalia has hair, and I have been developing sexual urges for my fish. Now, can you tell me how one would go about inserting one's penis into a fish? From, Pubescent in Prague You've got hair ON YOUR GENITALS???!!!!?!!!?!! [-----] Dear Handle, I am a sixteen year old female. For some reason, I have larger breasts than most girls my age. Handle, what can I do? From, Splung-Bucket So, you've got a problem with large breasts, huh? Well, at this point, I couldn't, in good conscience, give you an answer. But if you'd be so kind as to come visit Bigdaddy Handle and let me get some hands-on examination, I think I could tell you what your problem is. How's that sound, sweetcheeks? [-----] Dear Handle, Uncle Cleatus keep touchin me where he ain't s'posed to. My friend told me to write you because she said only your daddy can touch you there, and maybe your brother. From, Violated in Vicksburg Well, Violated, your friend was mistaken. I'm sure what she meant to say is that only your daddy, your brother, and Handle can fondle your genitalia. So how about it? (wink wink) [-----] Dear Handle, Is there a God? From, Unholy in Uzbekistan Ah, my little unholy. What you have asked is certainly a valid question and should be handled with the utmost respect. In answer to your question: no, there isn't a God. I did meet some quack once who claimed he was God just because he created the universe though. [-----] Dear Handle, My foot is asleep. Send help. From, Sleeping in Seattle Sinner. There will be no wit in Rad! Banish him! [-----] Dear Handle, HELLO I AM A 19 YR OLD I LIVE IN PENCIL VANIA I DO NOT HAVE ANY PETS OR WELL XEPT AN IGUANA BUT ALLL HE DOES IS SHIT AND PEE ON HISSELF SO I HAVE FIND OTHERS THINGS TO DO BUT IT IS HARD WELL ONE DAY A FEW DAYS AGO I DISIDED TO FIND SOMETHING OTHER THAN TO LOOKS AT MY IGUANA TO DO SO WHATS I DID WAS WHAT I DID WAS I NOW PROGRAM MY VCR TO RECORD THES PORN CHANNELZS I GOT FOR CABLE THATM YDAD DOES NOT NO ABOUT AND THEN WHAT SI DO IS I PUT THEM IN EVERY PERSONS MAILBOX IN THE ROAD IT THAT I LIVE ON SOT HAT THEY GET TO WATCHH THE PRON AND ANOTHERETTHING THAT I DO SOMETINES IS WHEN ONLY NO 1 IS HONME WHAT I DO IS I DRINJK ALL OFT HE SODA AND OK?????? THE ONLYY REASON I AM AKSING YOU WHAT IS THE PROBLIM IS ONLY BECUZ NBODY EVER WANTS TO HANG OUT WIHT ME LIKE I CALL THEM AND SAY WHATS UP??? BUT THEY R KIND OF RUDE NAD HANG UP AND ALSO I HAVVE NO ARMS CAN U HELP???? From, STYX I'm sorry, but that's just too hilarious to respond to. [-----] Dear Handle, I have sex all the time. At least 5 times a day. My left hand is getting really tired, and i don't know if I can keep this up. But i need sex! What should I do? From, Dioxide One of the many questions about masturbation that I recieved. It's also the only one that I decided to leave in, just so you would see the crap that I have to put up with. In response, do what every other normal American male does and use your right. [-----] Dear Handle, These Malaysians won't leave me alone. They keep touching me and they are very gross people. Make them stop. From, Mercuri in Malaysia Malaysians, huh? Do you remember what happened last summer when you were in the swimming pool yelling, "I'm drowning! I'm drowning!"? What did your mother tell you? That's right, she said that nobody loved you and that she should never have given birth to you, and that anytime you were in trouble just keep your fool mouth shut because nobody will give a damn. How did you ever get out of that fishnet anyway? [-----] Well it looks like that's it for the letters that weren't so stupid they made me want to kill myself. God, you people must have low IQ's. How can you find your way out of the house if you're so stupid? Oh yeah! If you want to see your problem in the next issue of RAD go ahead and visit: http://www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad/dear.html and fill out the online form. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "The Dream Dictionary" Psychoanalytic Mercuri E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net Dreams are oft times very complex and hard to interpret. This is a chart I constructed to help you understand these things. I'm qualified to inform you on this subject because I, too, have dreams, but unlike you, I write an e-zine. [-----] Do your dreams contain images of the ocean or beaches? These is commonly associated with inner peace and times of great understanding. However, this could not be farther from the truth. In actuality, it means that you are a homosexual and have HIV. In your dreams, do you harm family members & close friends? This is usually associated with some sort of feeling of hatred or resentment to the person. This may be an unfinished argument, or something that happened years ago that the subconscious is just now coming to terms with. Whatever the scenario, this dream means that you are a homosexual and will test positive for the AIDS virus when you choose to be tested. Do your dreams contain strong sexual content? Some would say your subconscious is expressing hidden desires or repressed sexual feelings. These is perfectly normal, it is believed that our primitive ancestors had the same thoughts about this subject as we do today, thousands of years later. However, this sort of dream means that you are a black man. If this dream contains members of the same sex, it means that you are a homosexual black man infected with the AIDS virus. I'm sorry I was the one who had to break it to you. Do your dreams contain fantastic things such as talking animals or dragons? The second thing I would associate this with would be that your inner child is trying to come out and play. Of course, if this has negative connotations, such as mean dragons or mean animals, of course the dream is bad and you're subconscious is letting off steam. The above "inner child" explanation would be a nice alternative to the truth, however. Because the truth is that this type of dream means that you are completely homosexual and you're in the third stage of AIDS. Do you fall endlessly in your dreams only to wake up when you're about to hit the bottom? This might mean such things as unfinished business in your life. Sometimes this sort of dream comes after a relative or friend has died and you either wish you could have gotten to know him better, or say something to him, or just tell him you love him. But those associations are false. This dream means that you are a faggot, plain and simple. Are you being chased in your dreams? This could mean the you are running away from something you ran away from in real life, but now regret running from. Sometimes this means that you are running in a vain attempt to run away from yourself because you are not pleased with the way you are acting or thinking. However, in reality this simply means that you are a flaming homosexual that would just as soon shoot himself than look at a woman. Have you been shot or hurt in your dreams? God, you're such a faggot. [-----] I hope this has helped you come to terms with yourself and increased your understanding of the way the subconscious effects our daily lives. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "High School is Retarded III: Where do they get these people?" Scribed by Handle E-mail: handle@pla-net.net Year after year, the one constant in my public school career is the eclectic selection of psycopaths the government deems worthy to give me my education. If it's not a diehard Christian Science teacher, then it's a drunken gym coach who enjoys slamming students against blunt objects. It's amazing how low a person's credentials have to be to get a teaching job. "Can you droll on pointlessly for hours?" "After speaking for over three minutes, do you find that people completely ignore you?" "You do! That's great! I know, why don't we make it a law that our nation's youth have to sit in a little room with thirty other people and listen to you?" But really it's not the teachers' fault that they're so utterly stupid. They're just the same as everybody else, trying to make a buck. Do you think that maybe we could raise teacher's wages just a bit to attract people who actually have the skills necessary to teach? Of course that's not possible! If we start raising teacher's wages, the standard of living might drop for people who really deserve to be making millions of dollars, like celebrities and athletes. If there's anybody who deserves to be rich, it's definetly them. I don't think that asking for capable teachers in our school system is too much. If they're going to force us to go there, they could at least give us quality resources with which to learn. Call me crazy, but in my opinion, force-feeding somebody trivial facts and making them memorize them isn't a quality form of education. Here's a thought, why don't you come up with a school system that lets the people who want to learn be educated instead of forcing them to be pulled through the trail of shit left from the morons who came before them? It shouldn't be illegal to not attend school, and it sure as Hell shouldn't be possible for someone who doesn't attend to pass. There we go, now that's an idea! And how about bringing in some _normal_ people who actually have something relevant to say to be teachers? Now, I've never known somebody who was a teacher personally, so I might need some help here. Do people who teach lose their grip on reality after they start their careers, or does the chance of teaching attract people who are already crazy? How about we run down a list of some of the geniuses that have contributed to my education throughout the years? * There was the music teacher who deluded herself into thinking she knew German and who always wore see-through shirts. * There was the sexist librarian who thought males were evil, and after that, there was the shrew librarian who drew on her eyebrows. * There was the hillbilly elementary school teacher who was barefoot and pregnant the whole year. * There was a 300 pound lesbian Home Economics teacher (and yes, we were _required_ to take Home Economics). * There was the she-bitch Algebra teacher who alternated the same three sweaters day after day without fault. [Merc's note: Handle is exaggerating here: she did wear one other thing, an Indiana University sweatshirt. (However, this was only on one day of the entire 180 days.)] * Who can forget the crazy old science teacher who preached the word of God more than he did science? (Once he also made the comment that it was 1993 when, in fact, it was 1995.) * Then there was the gym coach who slept with students in the past and ran over an old lady two years ago and has now gone insane. * Then there's the wrestling/football/BST coach who reportedly bit off someones ear in a barfight. (I do not doubt the authenticity of this rumor at all.) * How about the nymphomaniac Spanish teacher who talked about sex every day? * How about the Spanish teacher who gets down on her knees everynight and prays for God to change the fact that she's American? * I seem to remember a certain math teacher who had a 'fro and looked like Alvin from the chipmunks. * There's the Biology teacher who is a clone of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. * There's my study hall teacher, who gives the appearance of someone suffering from a severe case of leprosy. * There's my Creative Writing teacher, who tries her damndest to be "hip." (She goes as far as to completely deny the fact that she's a member of the school's faculty.) * Who can make a list without including the English teacher who looks as if she's 12, or * the science teacher who is a former Playmate? (You may not believe this, but it has been verified) * I remember a substitute teacher who kissed a guy in the middle of class. (That was sort of weird.) * There's the Business teacher who very closely resembles that cool uncle that used to sneak you beer. * There's the burnt-out hippy Health teacher who is 300 pounds and always rants about how she hates lazy people who don't excercise. (She gives the best acting performance I've ever seen when she pretends not to notice the irony in this.) The list goes on and on here, people. I swear that I did _not_ make up a single one of these seemingly fictitional characters. Don't get me wrong, the poor quality of teachers is a huge problem that the young people of America are facing. But before we do anything, can we please start school at least after 9 o'clock? Could you at least do that for me? ============================================================================ ============================================================================ Here are some cool Latin phrases you can say that will make you sound intelligent and add depth to your conversation. Et Cetera: "And so on." Vice Versa: "The other way around." Bada Boom, Bada Bing: "And there you have it." ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "Handle Gets Arrested" Written By - Handle E-mail: handle@pla-net.net Hello. I just got arrested. Would you like to know what I was arrested for? I was arrested because I'm a fucking idiot. That's what I was arrested for. Seriously, that's what I think they charged me with. I'm sure this setup has left you all on the edges of your stupid measly seats for a story, so I'll grant it to you. First off, let me do a little setting-up of the situation for you. Every day, me and the people who live in my subdivision walk home together. Now this all started about a year ago, when we discovered that an annoying mutt would bark at the top of his lungs nonstop everytime we walked past. Now this wouldn't have been too annoying if the thing wasn't inches away from us sticking his mouth through the fence as he was doing it. Well, a couple of weeks passed, and each day the dog would bark loudly when we went by. Then, finally, one day we had a revelation. "Let's throw rocks at the dog when it barks!" we thought to ourselves. Now, I know what you're thinking in your feeble little minds right now: "I can't see anyone over the age of 11 throwing rocks at a dog." Well, how wrong would you be. This dog was fucking annoying. So, for weeks, we threw rocks at this dog, until one day something happened ... A crappy yellow car pulled up beside us and inside was the dirtiest hick I had seen in my life. He got out and persued to have an intelligent conversation with us that went something like this: "If I ever see another one of you throw something at my dog ever again, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you. I don't care how young you are." Yep, that was it. Some conversation, huh? Well, needless to say, this huge inbred hick got his point across: we didn't throw rocks at the dog for the rest of the year -- we waited for winter to come around so we could throw snowballs. And man, did we throw snowballs; we threw snowballs of every shape and size. Sometimes the man's wife would stick her head out the door and yell something like, "You little fuckers!" or "I saw that you little bastards!" Well, being the hot-blooded teenagers that we were, we had to yell obsenities back at her -- what else could we do? This year rolled around, and still the dog barked at us everyday. Still we threw snowballs at it whenever we had the chance. Sometimes the lady would stick her head out the window and yell something about calling the cops, but we never listened to her. Why should we have? Then last Friday rolls around. There's a cop sitting at the end of the street waiting for us. "I wonder if the cop got out and questioned them," you might be asking yourself -- well, no. He didn't. I, for one, am way too smart to have it go down like that. We simply pretended like we weren't going to go past her house and we kept walking like we had somewhere we had to be. Well, then the fat hillbilly lady runs out into her front yard wearing a robe and yelling to the cops and pointing to us. The cop then pulled up next to us in his car and beckoned us over. The cop told us that he'd had a complaint about us disrupting the neighborhood while we were walking home from one of the street's residences. To this day I have no idea who could have filed that complaint; but, anyway, as I was saying: the cop just told us that he'd better not have any more complaints, and he warned the two guys I was walking wih that if he saw them smoking on school grounds again, he would tell the principal. (This constitutes getting in-school suspensions.) Well, we played it cool and called him "sir," that whole thing, so he let us go. Well today we were walking home, and, of course, the people I'm with were smoking again. Being the eagle-eyed youths that we are, we saw a cop a couple of streets over about to pull on the street that would take him parallel to us. Well, we hurried up and ran off school property so he didn't see us and turn us in to the principal. Well, we got off of school property and everything was fine; then, instantly, another cop pulled up in front of us out of nowhere. I see you furrowing your brow back there, saying, "What is this all about? They didn't throw anything else at the dog." Well, no we didn't, that's not what they were coming after us for. "Well, then why have all that backstory about the dog then?" Well, silly, to get my point across that the cops weren't too happy with us already. You'll see where this is leading in a minute. So the cop that appeared from out of nowhere calls us over to the car and asks us if we were smoking. I said that I wasn't, and that he could search me if he wanted. The conversation went like this from there on. Cop: I don't like being lied to. Friend 1: Well, me and him were smoking (gesturing to friend 2). Cop: Do you have any cigarettes on you? (Friend 1 and Friend 2 hand over their cigarrettes; this has happened to us a million times before) Cop: Why'd you guys run from a police officer? Friend 2: We didn't think he saw us. Cop: Well, then why'd you run? Me: We didn't want him to see us. Cop: Did you know it's against the law to run from a police officer? Me: Well, yes, obviously, but we weren't really running FROM him. Cop: Looked that way to me. Me: Well, it's not like he flagged us down and told us to stop. Cop: Put your names and phone numbers down on this piece of paper. (Now, as I said before, this has happened to us a million times before, so why the Hell would we give him our real information? We proceeded to write down fake names and telephone numbers.) At this point, another cop car came pulling up. He goes over and talks to other officer. At this point, *two* more cop cars pulls up. They join the conversation. As you can probably guess, we were wondering "What the fuck?" Then, finally, one last car comes pulling up and the cop comes back over to us. Cop: We're going to have to take you down to the station. In Unison: WHAHHHHHHHHHHH????????? Friend 1: Um, officer. You're probably going to want to give us that notepad back so we can put the right information down. Cop: You didn't put the right info down? (condescending) Friend 2: No. Cop: So you're lying to me now, too. Friend 1: We're sorry, sir, I don't want to get in any more trouble. Cop: Get in the car. Me: Do i have to go, too? I wasn't even smoking. Other Cop: You want to go down in cuffs? You'd better quit with the attitude. Okay, let's take a break now so I can point some things out. There are now five police officers on the scene because of two underage smokers. Does this seem a little pathetic to any of you? Shouldn't they have better things to do? Of course not -- ahh, to be a cop. So now we get into the car and begin the ride to the police station. Over the radio we here another cop say he's going to search where we were for any contraband. This prompts the cop to volley a few more questions at our way. Cop: You guys weren't smoking anything illegal over there were you? Friend 1: No sir. Cop: Do any of you guys have anything on you? Me: Nope. Cop: If you do, you'd better tell me now, and I do search my backseat. Friend 2: No, we don't. Cop: Okay. So then we pull up to the police station and go through the door into their little room that they take people into. He tells us to have a seat, so I sit in one of those office chairs with the wheels on the bottom. Well, it turns out something on mine must have been broken because my head was pointing forward at a 45 degree angle and my hip bone was digging up into my stomach. It was not a comfortable position, but I didn't dare ask the cop if he wanted to trade seats. When we sat down, he called our school and got the assistant principal to come over. YIPPEE!! The cop then looked in my friends cigarette packs, and said: Cop: Why are these turned upside down like that? I see that a lot. Friends: Luck. Me: Well, I can see that it works. Cop: Haha that was a good one. Now other cops come in, and they start looking at us. They're all giggling at us and saying things like, "I can't believe you guys, you're so stupid." Then the cop that arrested us asked for our real names and numbers and asks my friends a question. Cop: Where do you get your cigarettes? Friend 1: E-Z-GO. Cop: And you? Friend 2: Same place. Cop: And he never cards you guys? Friend 1: Nope, he just says to put it in your pockets. Then the cop turns to one of his cop friends and says... Cop: I'm thinking that instead of arresting these guys, we have them go over to E-Z-GO and buy some cigarrettes. Cop 2: Sounds good, we better wait 'til there principal gets here. Then the principal came in and took our names down and wrote that my friends were smoking on school property. That being done he leaves. Cop: Well guys, get lost. Me: We can go? Cop: Yep, go straight home, though, and be sure to tell your parents because we're going to be calling them and asking about this E-Z-GO thing. Taking that in, we leave. I never knew that being arrested could be a good thing. I got to hang around with these guys who have the awesomest job, and I got to get pushed around a bit like all the people in cop movies. Plus I might get to participate in a sting operation: this will be so awesome. Plus, what will be even cooler is if they take the fake name I gave the cop and use it as an A.K.A. on my record. I could have my own A.K.A.! This is going to be so awesome. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ "Phorce's Editorial Corner" By Phorce, Editor E-mail: phorce@openix.com This month, I think I'll talk about my ability to work with deadlines. Oops, no time. I gotta get this off to Mercuri before he tries to annex New Jersey in an attempt to get my edited copy of RAD #14. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ Personally, I can hardly wait for Independence Day 2. I heard this time the aliens are going to be unstoppable. Maybe they installed a FUCKING VIRUS SCANNER. ============================================================================ ============================================================================ Radioactive Aardvark Dung E-Zine :: ISSN 1092-5449 Issue #14 % Released March 10, 1997 RAD E-Zine :: PO Box 584 :: Crown Point, IN :: 46307 Get Past & Future Issues From :: ftp://ftp.openix.com/ftp/phorce/rad WWW Site :: http://pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad Send Us Your Comments & Submissions! :: jwapienn@pla-net.net Special Updates % "subscribe rad" In Message Body ATTN SysOps :: Be Sure To Read DISTRO.APP Without Prejudice and Explicit Reservation of All My Rights, UCC 1-207 (C) 1997 Aardvark Industries Alright, so aardvark@zine.com is broken and this is the best I could do on short notice. So sue me, okay? ============================================================================ ============================================================================