"The Devil is Six" -Frank Black ------------------------------------------------------------------------- % Relish e'Zine % Issue 666 % The Halloween Special! % October 31, 1996 % ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ,gggq T$: ,ggg j$$$P"^^^"$$$$ "$$P"^^^^"$$$'j$i ,dP"^``^"$p :$$$i :$$$$ !$$$: $$L_ ,$$$ $$$ d$$$b $b,_ "` $$$$P"^``^"T$$$g $$$$: :$$$i $$!"~~~~"""`:$$$: `"""` `"*$$Q@g, !$$$: :$$$! :$$$i $$$P $$" j$$$' $$$i $$$$ `"T$$$, :$$$i i$$$: $$$$ "^`,d$$ $$$$ $$$$ :$$$! $$$$ `$$$L T$$$ $$$$ --- :$$$i --- :$$$! --- !$$$: !$$$ i$$$: $$$! --- !$$$: $$$: -- :$$$! -- $$%% $$$$: $$: i$$$: $%: :$$$i :$$$ :$$$! i$$$: %$$ :$$$i $$$i %$ i$$$: %$ %%:: :$$$i %%` $$$$ %%:: .$$$$ $$P i$$$: $$$$. :%%: $$$$ $$$$ :% $$$$ ::% %:::. $$$$,`: :$$$L, ``` ,$$$$ !$ :$$$! :$$$$_ ````,$$$$ $$$$ :: T$$$L :% :::::. ""` .::. `""""~~~""""^`.:. :.`"`.::.`""""~~~"""""` ""`.::::.`""`.:: -------------------------------------------------------------------------- % Editor: tMM % Special Guest Editor: Steve % All written in one night!! % -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Halloween isn't Halloween if it isn't SCARY!" - tMM --------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "Damn Editorial" % cursed by tMM Welcome to the Halloween Special! We here at Relish are dressed up & ready to Scare lots of old people tonight!@ In actuality, it's 6:18 am on October 31, 1996 & I have class soon & a costume to put together. I think I'm going as a woman. I've always wanted to... doh. Anyways, as in Issue Five, one of my good-good friends Steve is writing for us here at Relish, & we're glad he is, because this file would be pretty small if he hadn't. Other than that, no one. Losers. I'll kill them. I will!@ So I'm supposed to give an editorial about something that means something to me, while perpetuating the Halloween theme. No thanks, that sucks. I'm sick of editorials. Yes, they are the "editor's voice to the people" but like, isn't the newspaper. In my case, the editorial does nothing except give me another chance to rant about stupid stuff, that won't change a damn thing. So the alternative is easy. I'm going on strike. No more deep & intuitive points from me in this editorial, no sir-ee. No, none at all. That certainly sucked the life out of that thought. Hmm. Well, thats it. Here's Steve, he wants to talk to you. ----- "My writing well is dead." Ok! Thanks Steve!@ I'm so glad that if I falter, he picks up the pieces after me. Well, I really don't have anything more to say. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are a buncha different things that are in this issue. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "News & Halloween Festivities!" % by tMM Well now, you can't say you aren't surpised, even taken aback by this fresh & grounbreaking step in e'Zine history. First off, you're reading Issue Six of Relish, which we affectionately refer to as Issue 666, it is Halloween after all! Second off, the release date is October 31, Halloween, & also only 11 days after Issue five went out. That makes Issue 666 a whopping TWO WEEKS EARLY! "Hey now, did you say early?!" Well, my dear mental munchkin, yes I did! "Well now, I'm confused, last Issue was two months late & this is two weeks early? What can I expect?!" Once again, my answer is simple, you can't! Never assume anything about Relish, because once you do, I'll change it. I like being unpredictable, it makes me alternative, & keeps people from understanding me. I'm a vampire. Next Issue I'll be a Hippie, then a Jock, then a Frat-boy. "You fucking trendy!" Naye Naye! I'm alternative, you merely don't understand the complexities of my psychi, so sit back & read what I tell you, please. ----- So if you are still confused as to when to expect Issue Seven, you can simply mail me your address & ask to be put on the subscribers list, so that when I do release it, you'll be among the first to get it. I think the most important point I'm making is that you need to mail me & give me comments about Relish. If you don't like an article & want to know why it was in there at all, tell me. If you wanted to see something else or had some criticism, tell me. If you loved it all, tell me. TELL ME!! The Official Relish E-Mail is still : relish@juno.com so there is nothing stopping you from mailing me except your own lazy ass. I get off it & write the whole damned issue, the least you could do is tell me you read it. There is a new & re-vamped Relish homepage on zineworld right now. http://www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/relish But by next issue, which will hopefully be released in about a month, right after Thanksgiving, setting us straight on the path for a Christmas Issue! I should have a brand new big & beatiful Relish Homepage that I'll keep up. The only thing holding me back is that I'm drawing all of the art from scratch in Photoshop. You should still be able to get every issue of Relish via ftp at : ftp://ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/Relish Aside from that, I would like to ask a favor.. Fucking write me something. Submissions are way down & that saddens me. I can't do this alone forever, sometime someone is going to have to do something, or Relish will slowly die. We don't want that to happen, do we? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, gather around kiddies for some good ol' fashoned SOUTHERN GHOST TALES!!!! (insert spooky music). Since we here at Relish are broadcasting to the faithful elect from the Heart of Dixie, we figured that we would carry on a tried & true Southern tradition of telling some lesser known regional, folksy-type scary stories. So sit back, grab a blanket with one hand, a cold brewski with the other hand, & your private bits with the other hand (or is that too many hands?.....whatever) & enjoy the rich cultural influences spread throughout the issue. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The Story of the Devil & Frankenstien" by Steve Once there was a restaurant that served human heads as food to the unknowing customers. The devil was the owner & he hired Frankenstien as the head waiter. The service was terrible & they got a 82 on the health rating. *scream* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "A Halloween Story" % by tMM Since it's halloween & all, & we here at Relish are quite frankly SCARED of everything. Like the guy accross the hall from me that begs me for drugs every ten to fifteen minutes, he SCARES us. So, it is no surprise that we are holed up in this dark dorm room, listening to gospel music, praying to the Lord Jesus Christ, our Savior, & having ridiculous amounts of anal sex. So as a result of this, we would like to continue the obviously original motif of doing SPOOKY & SCAREY stuff just to get us all in the Halloween spirit. Its the devil's birthday for crissakes. I mean really. With all of that said, here's a GHOST STORY for all of you. Not like the other ones, mind you, this one will be written using characters, namely the folks from Scooby Doo. Who else could possibly tell a SPOOKY tale of supernatural stuff better? So here we go! & don't get too SCARED!! ----- Cue Spooky Music. Fade in. The Mystery Machine is driving through a certainly scarey place. As usual, Freddy is driving, Daphne has shotgun & is giving Freddy head, Wilma is really nowhere to be found, & Shaggy & Scooby are lighting a bowl on Scooby's four foot Graffix. Shaggy:"Like, where are we?" Freddy:"We're going to Auntie Ann's new house, it is a little beat up & she needs our help to fix it up!" Shaggy:"Like, if she has food, then Scoob & I are all for it!" Freddy:"C'mon gang!" ----- Fade in. They are in Auntie Ann's kitchen & Shaggy just made a ten foot tall sandwhich. Munchies. Auntie:"Well, I'm so glad you kids got here, this is a big house & I can't do it alone!" Freddy:"No problem, Auntie!" Daphne:"Mm-hmm!" Freddy:"Well Auntie, we're tired & want to get some sleep for tomorrow." Auntie:"Ok, there are some bedrooms upstairs, you kids make yourself at home." Freddy:"Oh we will!" Auntie:"Oh yes, I suppose I should tell you this first, theres an old legend that the old owners were all killed by some guy named Old Man Whithers & now some ghost haunts this dump." Wilma :"Well, we aren't afraid of ghosts, are we gang?" Freddy:"We'll chance it, Auntie. See you in the morning!" Auntie:"Goodnight!" ----- Fade in. Shaggy & Scooby have finished smoking & are thoroughly trashed. Freddy & Daphne are still in their room with the door closed. Wilma is nowhere to be found. Ghost :"I'm haunting this place!" Shaggy:"Holy fuck, this is bad-ass bud!" Scooby:"I'll say!" Ghost :"I'm gonna kill you!" Scooby:"Oh my God!" Wilma :"Look, Scooby found a clue!" Paper :"I'm Old Man Whithers, I killed all the people here because there is buried treasure underneath the house, too bad I can't find it & have to haunt the place to scare people away until I find it." Freddy:"Aha! We have you now, evil IRS man!! Trying to keep the whitey down again, eh? You're no match for me!!" OLD MAN WHITHERS!!> Freddy:"Uh, Old Man Whithers? What does he have to do with this?" Wilma :"Well, you see, based on the clues I found & my supercomputer deductive reasoning, I figured out that Old Man Whithers killed the old family because there was buried treasure & he haunted this pile of shit to scare everyone away until he found it!" Whithers:"& I would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you God Damn snooping kids!" Freddy:"Good job gang, & especially you, Scoob!" Wilma :"Yeah, here's a sheet of Scooby Snacks!" Gang :"Hey Scooby!" Scooby:"Scooby-Dooby-Do!!" Fade out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "Haunted House HECK" % by Steve My grandpa once accidently used his cathater tube as a drinking straw & thought he was having some chocolate milkshake. He did all of this in a haunted house where some kids had drowned on the very same day several years before. We were told never to play there because of some asbestos leaks. *911!!!* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "Seasons Change Like in that One Song" % by Steve Halloween. The simple mention of the name calls to mind demonic hellspawn & Satanic minions stalking the Earth to sip the blood of fetuses & rape small kittens. Err, well, I guess that Halloween calls that stuff to mind of SOME people. I guess I just wanted to say that there's more to Halloween than taking a dump in your Grandpa's mail slot because he only gives out cough drops instead of real candy. I mean, Halloween can mean so much more. It's fall. You know, Autumn? There are pretty leaves out. The World Series has just wrapped up (go Yanks). School is at that point where the novelty being in a routine has developed into a grind from hell where the next fucking holiday is ALWAYS too far away. That first cold nip is in the air. Gone are the short skirts that could brighten a day. Bleak mornings make it really hard to get out of bed. The smell of fireplaces is almost all over the city as the winds blow in the warmth from the suburbs. Hot cocoa is the bomb & life flows so much more smoothly if you have somebody to snuggle under that blanket with. I was in the mall today & there was already Christmas stuff out. I mean, we were looking for last minute additions to our Halloween costumes & there were tacky sweatshirts in Sears with puffy-paint Christmas trees & glued on jingle bells. I was disturbed to say the least. Will we soon be faced with an onslaught of "Hot Summer Savings on cool X-mas gifts!!!" campaigns? Maybe if they had started Christmas capitalist pandering a little bit earlier, we could have had some sort of hip Olympic tie-in. Maybe Santa can light the torch in Sydney in 2000. Ah, fall.....Now if only we can arrange for some snow down here in Birmingham....... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "A Relish Religious Equal Oppurtunity Moment" % by tMM We here at Relish have a lot to say about organized religion. Basically because most of us writing go to an authoritarean school where we are ostricized for not partaking in the religious festivities that Holy Jane & Johnny do. So, we are bitter. It's Halloween, & we're content, because it is the ONLY holidy that Christianity hasn't mutated a nice old pagan ritual into a Judeo-Christian holiday for the masses. So lets get down to what Halloween REALLY stands for. I got on this page & thought that whoever wrote this had some really interesting viewpoints, not that we at Relish agree with this or even condone it, but we do feel that it is what needs to be said, because this, my friends is Halloween, time to quit your lowly ignorance & learn what you are really celebrating. Enjoy! Taken from the Internet Altar of Unholy Blasphemy Our lives are arranged by the demands of too many Enslavers who issue proclamations of ownership over our time, demanding a false allegiance in exchange for token gifts of control. We then relinquish our control, sad useless petty tyrants, and speak didactic words we cannot understand to our underlings. We relish enacting our control on others, but find it unfulfilling only after a tragedy makes us realize how meaningless it is to sacrifice the unaware to rules. Our time has come as independent thinking beings and chaotic moral agents to take a stand against the Enslavers. The primary Enslaver of history is the Judeo-Christian god Jehovah, called often the Lord God or the Almighty by Christians, or "YHWH" by Jews. We have erected a monument to his great stupidity in presumption of control and have dedicated it to inversion of purity. Purity is an essential part of both the refinement process used extensively in industry and economics, and the spiritual function that Christianity, Judaism, and other world religions, political creeds, racial slogans, and personal inadequacies dictate. All Enslavers are blasphemed at this site, which does not prescribe hate to either group but destruction to all Enslavers through the weakness in their fallacy that usurps them. As Satan discovered, Jehovah controls through command and punishment but cannot control potential and creativity. Refinement breaks organic structures down into meaningless closed systems, but organism promotes chaotic growth that increases natural semantic and recombinant possibility of different kinds of success. Thus, it also leads to more advanced understandings; it naturally usurps closed orders. Satan is the Lord of the Free Order, the Master of Entropy, the Legion of Might. His philosophy alone is relevant, as the age of industrial image wanes. mock Him productions and your local coven entreat you to broaden your understanding of chaos and vengeance at http://www.anus.com/altar/. Copyright 1996 mock Him productions ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "The Story of the Haunted Refrigerator" % by Steve There once was a couple who moved into a new house & brought with them a refrigerator that the husband had bought in a garage sale from a crazy old man. They put the fridge in the kitchen & went to bed to scrump like puppies in the first night in their new house. They woke up in the morning to get ready to eat some waffles for the first breakfast in their new house. They went downstairs & the refrigerator was wide open with gallons of blood spilling out of it onto the floor into a sticky & gooey puddle where flies & beetles had come to gather & lap up the sweet succulent bloody glop that was beginning to coagulate on the cold linoleum. "Oh yeah," said the Wife, "I had some steaks in there for our dinner tonight." "That crazy old man at the garage sale fucked us over! This refrigerator doesn't work! All of our food has defrosted & is ruined! What a fucking screw!" Then a ghost came out & said "HA HA HA. I caused this disaster." It was the ghost of the old man who had really died years before. *shiver* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "The Hot List (Halloween Style)" % by Steve The trend that Issue Five began will be perpetuated at least through Issue 666 because we just couldn't pass up a chance at these. Enjoy. The Hot List of Cool & Uncool Costumes: COOL UNCOOL Fireman Policeman Hooker Princess Hippie Joe McCarthy Drug Dealer Army Guy Flasher Goosebumps folkz Porn Star Power Rangers 3rd Degree Burn Victim Doctor Vampire Surgeon general Skater Rollerblader Zombie Casper The Hot List of Cool & Uncool Pumpkin Designs: COOL UNCOOL Clinton or Gore Dole or Kemp A loved one Your genitals A big eyeball A big anus Satan god J.R. "Bob" Dobbs pinks Phish C.C. Penniston The Hot List of Cool & Uncool Halloween Party Games: COOL UNCOOL Spin the Bottle Go Fish Truth or Dare Tiddlywinks Drinking games Drinking games with milk Yer mom Pin the tail on your uncle Zonk Galaga The closet game clean the closet game Pie eating contest Cracker eating contest The Hot list of Cool & Uncool Underground Magazine Halloween Specials: COOL UNCOOL Relish All else ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "Pure Evil & the Death of Light" % by Steve One time this guy found a roach in his Burrito Supreme. He had already eaten some of it, though. He puked like a dog for like 5 whole minutes. Then he was hungry again & ate the rest of it. The puke that is. *shudder* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "Halloween Candy Tips" % by tMM Ahh, Halloween. Lotsa kids in the streets, dressed in shitty costumes & getting lots of free stuff from dumb old people. If I wasn't 6"3 I'd be out there with them. Come to think of it, I WILL go out with them. I digress. Since I was once a child, before the clown at the circus killed my family & took me hostage for nine years when I was four, I know how picky kids are with candy. If you don't give out good candy, your house is immediately stigmatized by the rest of the neighborhood because the kids take their free shit home & complain about it to their overly concerned parents & the parents get mad that you gave out homemade cheese instead of big-ass packs of Reese's Cups. Once you start the snowball, it never ends. So I was thinking of different cool ways that people could appease kids in the neighborhood or apartment complex in order to salvage their social standing. Here are a few reasonably cheap & effective methods: 1. Leave a full bowl on your doorstep for the kids, & refill it every five minutes or so with shitty candy as needed. Note: Make sure you have the big sign that says "Please Take One!!" so that the kids think that they are doing something really cool & subversive & taking stuff from you. This really makes a great impression. 2. This isn't affordable, but it will ensure that you are the most popular person in about fifty miles. Just give out doses of acid. The kids love them, all you do is tell them that they are "Sour Squares" or something like that & they'll pop them in their mouth right then. Sigh, if only I could find someone that would do this, I'd dress up in fifty costumes & hit that house a hundred times. & ask for their leftovers at the end of the night. 3. The razor-blade trick still works with the parents, they love it. 4. Give out dairy products like cheese or eggs or even better, raw fish!! You can laugh your ass off as you drop that smelly thing into their little bag! Hahah! 5. This old man in my neighborhood used to give out bibles, we ended up egging his house. The moral is: don't do anything that has anything to do with Christianity. Satanic propaganda is much better. 6. I always wished that some dirty old man with hair on his body wearing boxers & drinking cheap beer would invite us in & watch porn with us while getting us drunk. Thats an idea... 7. Make your house a big haunted house & invite over all your friends & strategically place them in certain spots so they can beat the shit out of every fucking kid that walks in. I loved it when the big kids did that to me. 8. Going to the door nude & giving out your own feces would probably a. score lots of compliments on your costumes & b. that lots of people in police costumes visit you. When they do, shoot them, they like that too. 9. Kill someone & sit them in a lawn chair on your front door & put the bowl of candy in their lap. We'll see how many times you have to re-fill that one! & finally: 10. Have a spooky haunted house theme with those torch-things you see at the beach lining the path to your door. When the cute little trick-or-treaters get to your door, pour a shitload of gasoline on them & watch the fun! Note: Bring Marshmallows up with you while you watch if you want a snack. Maybe s'mores.. Well, that is about it, write me back at relish@juno.com to tell me how things went. Enjoy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- % "Closing-Ending Stuff" % sputtered by tMM Ok, well, granted this issue isn't 100% Relish because it was done by two people in less than six hours. See if you can do better!@ Everything else is said in the News, so look there if you have any questions, or mail me at relish@juno.com. Till then, Happy Halloween!! BOO!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Relish Owns You! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- This Concludes: % Relish e'Zine % Issue 666 % The Halloween Issue! % Oct 31, 1996 % % All stories, essays, articles & illustrations are the sole reserved % % property of the author, unless otherwise mentioned. None of the % % contents herein may be reproduced in any way, shape or form without % % express written consent of said Copyright owner & Relish Inc. % % Relish may be distributed freely so long as this notice remains in % % place & no fee whatsoever is charged for its retrieval % --------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------- $""$ % Relish is produced by tMM, whose E-Mail is chris41@juno.com % $""$ $$$$$ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% $$$$$ $""""""$ % Feedback, Submissions, etc send to relish@juno.com % $""""""$ """""""" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% """""""" $$$$$$$$$ % WWW: www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/relish % $$$$$$$$$ $$$"""""" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% """"""$$$ $$$ $"""""$$$ % FTP: ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/Relish % $$$"""""$ $$$ $$$ $ $"""""" """"""$ $ $$$ $$$ $ $ $""$""$$$$ $$$$""$""$ $""$ """"" $$ $$$$""$""$ $""$ """""" $ $ $$$ $$$ $ $ $ $ $$$$ $$$$ $ $ $ $ $$$$ "" $$$$ """" $ $""$$$$ $ $ $$$ $$$ """ $ $ $$$$ $$$$"""""" $ $ $$$$ $$ """"""$""$ $ $ $$$$ """ $$$ $$$$$$$ $ $ """" $$$$ $""$ $ $ $$$$ $$ $$$$ $ $ $ $ $$$$ $$$ $$$ $ $ """" kaLtK """""""""" """""""""" "" """""""""" """" """" """ $$$ $"""" $ $$$$ $""""$ $$$$$$""""""$$$$$$""""$$$$$"""""$ $$$$$$ ""$"""$ $$$ """"""" """"""""$ $"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""$$$$$$"""""""""""" ""eof"