Stuck In Traffic #2 by Calvin Stacy Powers ================== Big Change In Cary A church on Walnut Street has been torn down and a Krispy Kreme Donut shop is going up in its place. It would be easy, typical, to paint this as sign of the moral vapidness in Cary. But I don't want to do that. There's nothing wrong with Donut shops. And there are still lots of churches. Maybe the congregation moved to a better location. Maybe they merged with another church. I bet they didn't stop going to church and start eating donuts instead. ======================== Conspiracy Theory #4,562 That game show of game shows, The Price Is Right, doesn't make sense to me. When the contestants are bidding on a prize in order to get to come on stage to play the big games, the winner is the person who has the closest guess to the prize's retail price WITHOUT GOING OVER. I have never understood this. Why does the person lose if he or she guesses to high? If an Item costs $1000, person A guesses $800 and person B guesses $1001, then person A wins. I ask you, does that seem fair? I suspect that The Price is Right is actually a secret plot to encourage fiscal irresponsibility among housewives in the United States in an attempt bring down the U.S. Economy. Everyday hundreds of thousands of men and women see this show and receive the subliminal message that it's good to underestimate the price of things they want to buy. Can increased personal debt be far behind? How many broken family budgets can be attributed to The Price Is Right? When Joe and Jane Sixpack appear before the bankruptcy judge what will they be able to say? "Sorry judge, we just wanted to win our part of the American Dream, so we made sure our budget was under our actual expenses." The Price Is Right is merely the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what other seemingly benign aspects of American culture are encouraging financial ruin among the populace? ========== Eco-Alert! And I thought Greenpeace was vigilant about protecting the environment. But sometime over the past few years, someone has stolen all the jungles throughout the world and replaced them with rain forests. Who allowed this to happen? Were all the appropriate environmental impact statements filed? Certainly no one asked my opinion about it. I think I much prefer jungles over rain forests. I like jungles better because they are filled with wild animals and exotic plants. In jungles there's a frenetic level of activity. Animals are constantly on the prowl, eating and being eaten. Some of the plants are dangerous, some are edible. Some plants contain mysterious substances that can be used. A very exciting place. Rain forests are peaceful, idyllic, garden like places where it does little more than rain. Rain forests are filled with warm, furry, mamby-pamby poster children of the ecological movement. I don't want garden-of-eden-like rain forests, I want jungles, where the wild things are. =========== Knicker Aid According to a Reuters news story, British women are organizing a campaign known as "Knicker Aid" to send their pre-diet undergarments, particularly bras, to women in Russia, where a bra can cost as much as a month's wages. Now one level this seems pretty funny. It plays off all the other -Aid suffixed charity campaigns we've seen over the past few years. (I'm surprised we haven't seen an Aids Aid benefit campaign yet.) Knicker Aid also plays off our stereotype of the Russian people and Russian women in particularly, i.e., relatively short and, ahem, heavy set due to their starchy diets. But on another level, it just goes to show how simple acts of charity know no bounds. You can bet there were no multimillion dollar U.N. studies about the dreadful condition of the Russian undergarment industry commissioned before Knicker Aid was launched. You can bet that it did not require a gazillion dollar loan from the World Bank. Instead, a bunch of individuals thought it up on their own and just did it. As far as I'm concerned, it totally validates the "thousand points of light" concept of making the world a better place, which has taken such a beating over the past few years. ============================ Politically Correct Football There was quite a controversy here in North Carolina about the naming of Charlotte's new NFL team. The new owners were under considerable pressure to come up with a name that didn't offend anyone. Not an easy task these days. So they came up with The Carolina Panthers. Not bad. There's good imagery in the Panther. And the Carolina Panther logo is designed so that the outline of the Panther's head vaguely looks like the border between North and South Carolina. The only problem is that, as far as I know, the panther is not usually associated with this area. Oh well. My father came up with the best suggestion for the Carolina's team name that I've heard yet: The Carolina Croatans. As you may remember from your childhood history books, the first European settlement in America was "The Lost Colony" in North Carolina and they mysteriously disappeared leaving only the word Croatan carved into a tree, presumably indicating the native Americans in the area. In any event, it got me to thinking about just what sorts of names for football teams would pass Political Correctness tests. Here's what I and some friends came up with: The Arizona Cardinals : The Arizona Spotted Owls The Seattle Seahawks : The Seattle Sperm Whales The New York Giants : The New York New Agers The New York Jets: The New York Ozone Layer The Washington Redskins: The Washington Public Servants The Cleveland Browns: The Cleveland Rainbow Coalition The Kansas City Chiefs: The Kansas City 12-Step Support Group The Buffalo Bills: The Buffalo Brotherhood of International Football Players The New England Patriots: The New England Social Workers The Los Angeles Raiders: The Los Angeles Recyclers The Cincinnati Bengals: The Cincinnati Sensitives The Chicago Bears: The Chicago Reformed Chauvinists The Indianapolis Colts: The Indianapolis Indigenous Peoples The Philadelphia Eagles: The Philadelphia Non-Profit and Philanthropic Coalition The Houston Oilers: The Houston Bio-degradeables The Pittsburgh Steelers:- The Pittsburgh Natural Fibers The Los Angeles Rams: The Los Angeles Leninists The San Francisco 49ers: The San Francisco Friends of the Earth The Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Tampa Bay Socially Challenged The New Orleans Saints: The New Orleans Primary Care Givers The Denver Broncos: The Denver Disarmament Society The San Diego Chargers: The San Diego Sandinistas The Miami Dolphins: The Miami Maoists The Detroit Lions: The Detroit D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Educators) The Dallas Cowboys: The Dallas Vegetarians The Atlanta Falcons: The Atlanta Anti-Vivsectionists The Green Bay Packers: The Green Bay Sustainable Agriculturalists The Minnesota Vikings: The Minnesota Victims of Testosterone Poisoning ============= Reality Bites Every now and then at work, Dana, who is my boss's boss, calls an "area meeting" where he tells us what's going on, makes personnel announcements, and stuff like that. It's traditional at these meetings for him to provide munchies. It's sort of a bribe to get everyone to show up. (My theory is that the reason we have to have these meetings is so the managers will still feel like they're "in the loop".) So, a couple of weeks ago, Dana calls an area meeting and I dutifully marched to the conference room with my colleagues. And as per tradition, Dana had brought munchies. Cracker Jacks! That caramel covered manna from heaven that rains down on blessed children everywhere. Cracker Jacks! I hadn't had any in years and years and I felt like a little kid again. I was sitting in the back of the room so I was among the last in line as the boxes were being handed out and I was nervously eyeing the supply. I was terrified that they might run out before they got to me! I was dancing on the edge of my seat like a three-year-old. But Dana is a good man. There was enough for everybody. I don't think the design of Cracker Jack boxes has changed much over the decades. At least it still looked the same to me. Still the blue and white logo on the front under the name Cracker Jacks. Still the pictures of caramel coated popcorn and peanuts. And most importantly it still had the same spot on the side panel of the box where you poke your thumb in to rip off the top of the box. The same spot that still doesn't quite work. Unlike most packaged products today that have crisp clean ways to open them up, you can't be halfhearted about opening a box of Cracker Jacks or the cardboard box will just sort of smush. You have to shove your thumb into the side panel and rip the top off with gusto. And I did! And ripping off the top of the Cracker Jack box was like ripping a hole in the time-space continuum. It was like I was simultaneously sitting in that conference room and reliving my childhood. I poured a handful into my hand and tossed a few kernels into my mouth. YUK! WHAT WAS THIS CRAP? It had this heavy, heavy, almost burnt taste and it was way too sweet. The popcorn was stale and the peanuts tasted like charcoal. And the prize? You would think that the prize would make it all worth while. At least I could look forward to a miniature compass or a whistle or fake tattoo or something. But NO. All it had inside was a sticker of a Kansas City Royal pennant. Big deal. I was so disappointed I couldn't focus on the meeting. I just sat there, questioning my grip on reality. ========================= "Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes." --Thoreau ==================== Learning From Rwanda (Note: The following article originally appeared in Claustrophobia magazine.) President Clinton is sincere, I'm sure, about wanting to restore the "democratically elected government" of Haiti. But his Haitian policy is fundamentally flawed because it puts the cart before the horse. He needs only to look at Rwanda to see the error of his Haitian policy. It wasn't until the Rwandan President, Maj. Gen. Juvenal Habyarimana was killed in an unexplained plane crash in April that the Rwandan crisis broke through the media barrier and captured the attention of the world. But the recent Rwandan civil war is just the latest chapter in a Rwanda's long, bloody history. Rwanda's entire history can be told in terms of ethnic conflicts between the Hutu majority and the Tutsi minority. Until it was overthrown in 1961, the Tutsi aristocracy ruled the area, and 'extracted agricultural tribute' from the peasant Hutu farmers in exchange for 'protection.' The sharp inequality between the two ethnic groups was aggravated when Rwanda became an Belgian protectorate under the League of Nations in 1899. But even under Belgian and U.N. guidance the Tutsi continued to deny basic education opportunities to the Hutu and even imposed forced labor on many of them. It wasn't until 1961, with the support of the Belgian colonists that the Hutu overthrew the Tutsi monarch and Rwanda was recognized as an independent nation. The Hutu, under Major General Juvenal Habyarimana, imposed a single party state in which the Hutu-led National Revolutionary Movement for Development (MRND) party was the only legal party. Under the MRND, all citizens were required to carry ID cards clearly identifying their ethnic origin. Tutsi were denied access to government jobs, services, and education through elaborate quota systems and all citizens were denied gun ownership. Hutu extremists systematically persecuted and killed the Tutsi minority with the tacit approval of the Hutu government. Over half the Tutsi fled the country. In the recent Rwandan civil war, the Tutsi led Rwandan Patriotic Front (RPF) has taken control of the Rwandan government. Considering the history between the Hutu and the Tutsi, it's not surprising the nearly 2 million of Rwanda's 7.7 million citizens are fleeing the country in fear of Tutsi reprisals. And so there is a lesson to be learned from Rwanda's history and recent civil war. A government is a reflection of the principles to which its citizens already subscribe, not the creator of those principles. And throughout the centuries that the Hutu and Tutsi have shared the same land, each has abused government power to persecute the other, regardless of the form of government. Julius Paulus, a Roman jurist in the third century summed it up best: "What is right is not derived from the rule but the rule arises from our knowledge of what is right." A government instituted among men who are not committed to peace and who don't respect the basic worth of their fellow human beings merely becomes a tool of oppression. Nowhere has this been more painfully evident than in Rwanda. And if we're not careful, the same mistake is going to be made in Haiti. ====================================== They Don't Write 'Em Like That Anymore A couple of years ago, I used to get an electronic magazine called Desperado. And it was truly one of the finest publications I've had the pleasure to receive. It was something of a cross between an apa and a 'zine. Sadly, it is no more. I suspect that the guy who published it got laid off and no longer has access to the Internet. Or maybe he just got tired of publishing it. Anyway, Desperado was composed of odd stories and personal comments that had been sent from the readers. The following song was published in one of the last issues. To quote from Desperado, "This just gills me." Enjoy. Love guppy You mean all the world to me. Without you I can't be free. You make me pant considerably. You're my love guppy. You have the finest rosebud's taste. Without you my life is waste, I'll stick to you like Elmer's paste. You're my love guppy. I'd break through a citadel. I'd fight with a raging bull, Though winning would seem improbable. You're my love guppy. My love's as strong as the mid-ocean ridge. You shine like the rainbow bridge or like that light inside my fridge. You're my love guppy. For you I'd consume haggis, or lose the joys of Bacchus, or live in sin with Mike Dukakis. You're my love guppy. No time's too long for me to wait. For you, I'd fight against Fate, though maybe you could lose some weight, You're my love guppy. Without you, I'd be not whole, I would have to sell my soul, or gulp a quart of Tide-E-Bowl. You're my love guppy. My passion is always mounting. I'm like a geyser founting. Well, maybe not, but who's counting? You're my love guppy. The love that is the more intense always has the most silence, like quiet bursts of flatulence. You're my love guppy. I know that my love is true. I know that you'll love me too, or I'll hold my breath 'till I turn blue You're my love guppy. I'd not forget you if I tried. You make me all warm inside. My love's as pure as Naugahyde. You're my love guppy. Then I hear the words let slip From betwixt impatient lips, "I want to have a relationship. You're my love guppy." ================== Truth or D.A.R.E.? I recently read an AP news story sent to me from a friend of mine about the Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE) program. This is the government program funded by the federal, state and local governments to try to fight the drug war in the classroom by educating young children about drugs. The idea is to teach children early on about the dangers of drug abuse so that they will be better able to resist peer pressure to use drugs later on in life. It sounds great. DARE is a tremendously popular program. Politicians love it. The Police love it. Parents love it. Teachers love it. Even kids seem to like it. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work. The Research Triangle Institute, based here in North Carolina between Durham and Raleigh, recently completed an 18 month, $300,000 study of the DARE program, commissioned by the Institute of Justice, which is an arm of the Department of Justice. According to the AP news story, the researchers concluded that "DARE imparts a considerable amount of knowledge, but has only a tiny impact -- if any -- on students' drug use." Of course, this is not what the government wanted to hear and it "invited" the researchers to "reevaluate" their conclusions. But the researchers declined to change their conclusions. You would think that if a program had proven to be so ineffective, it would be dropped like a hot potato. But this is the government we're talking about. Can you imagine any public official, public school teacher, or police officer publicly stating that the DARE program should be disbanded? It would be political suicide. The peer pressure to support DARE is just too great. This reminded my of another story. The October 1994 issue of The Atlantic Monthly has a scathing article about the failure of sex education programs in schools. The conclusion is almost exactly the same as the conclusion of the DARE study. Young kids today know more about sex than ever before but there has no indication that it works. In fact most of the basic indicators, such as teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are showing increases. And just like the DARE program, no one has the courage to publicly call for the end of these programs despite the overwhelming evidence that it doesn't work. How can anyone come out against sex education? I think there are two lessons to be learned from these stories. First, it appears that objectivity and factual evidence take a back seat to emotionalism and peer pressure when it comes to public policy. We can moan and wail about how awful that is, but it seems to be the reality. But more importantly, these two stories demonstrate that knowledge and values are not interchangeable. Teaching a child the difference between uppers and downers and all the street names for marijuana will not cause that child to place a higher value on his or her health than peer approval. Teaching a young child how to use a condom (and in some cases, distributing free condoms) is not going to help that child make decisions about sexual morals. School teachers, policemen, and social workers can teach knowledge, but they can't teach values. Values, if they can be taught at all, have to come from the family. ====================== Advice From Honest Abe The list is the famous 10 Guidelines that Abe Lincoln used during his administration to help him and his administration in making policy and administrative decisions. 1. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. 2. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. 3. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. 4. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. 5. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. 6. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. 7. You cannot further brotherhood of men by inciting class hatred. 8. You cannot establish security on borrowed money. 9. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence. 10. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves. ================ I'm Not A Sheep! On October 1st, the Intermodal Surface Transportation Efficiency Act of 1991 took effect. Under this federal law, any state that doesn't voluntarily enact mandatory seatbelt laws and motorcycle helemt laws will have their federal highway funds 'redirected' into other programs. An entirely sensible law. I can't imagine any politcian opposing it. I would never argue against wearing a seatbelt. If you decide to wear a seatbelt, I will applaud your common sense. However, I typically do not wear one. I choose not to wear a seatbelt as a small act of defiance against a world that has run amok with common sense. I think it's time the legislators and other well-intentioned busy-bodies realized that everytime they force common sense down our throats with a law like this, they kill something in our psyche. They kill the thrill of taking risks, they kill the spontanaiety of life, they kill individuality. The do-gooders are transforming us from human beings into sheep. Safe sheep, mind you. But sheep nonetheless. I know it sounds stupid for me to say that I refuse to wear my seatbelt in an attempt to preserve my individuality, but in some small way, it's true. ================================================================== Stuck In Traffic is a bi-monthly e-zine edited by, and mostly written by Calvin Stacy Powers. Copyrights of individual articles are held by their respective authors. All unsigned work is authored by Calvin Stacy Powers, who holds all copyrights. Permission is granted to redistribute Stuck In Traffic provided that it is redistributed in its entirety (including this copyright notice), and that no fee is charged. For commercial redistribution rights, or for permission to reprint/redistribute individual articles contact Calvin Stacy Powers at powers@rdu007.pdial.interpath.net. If you would like to receive Stuck In Traffic free by e-mail subscription send e-mail to the address listed above.