‡€€‡ ‡€€‡ ¤¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¤ ‡€€‡ ¤¥¥¤ ¤¥¥¤ ‡€€€€€€€‡ ¤¥¥¤ ‡€€€€‡€€€€‡ ¤¥¥¥¤¤¤¥¥¥¤ €€€€ ¥¥¥¥ ¤¥¥¥¥¤ €€€‡‡‡€€€€€ ¤¥¥¥¥¥ ‡€€€€€‡ ¥¥¥ ¥¤ ¥¥¥ €€€€ ¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¤ ‡€€€€‡ ¤¤¥¥¥¥ €€€ ¥¥¥ ¥¤ ¥¥¥ €€€€ ¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¤ ‡€€€€‡ ¥¥¥¥ €€€ ¤¥¥¥¤¤¤¥¥¥¤ €€€€‡‡‡‡‡‡‡ ¥¥¥¥ ¤¥¥¥¥¤ ‡€€€€€‡‡‡‡‡ ¤¥¥¥¥¤ ‡€‡ ¤¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¤ ‡€€€€€€€€‡ ¤¥¥¤ ¤¥¥¤ ‡€€€€€€€€€‡ ¤¥¥¥¥¥¥¤ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? phorce ---> intro, yo <------------------------------------------------------------- this y0lk isn't really written by me. it's written by andy newman, but i luvved it soOOoo much, i typed it all up (bUy/5t341 m3 4 5c4nn3r, y0!@#$!) and put it all in a y0lk. let's all clap for andy newman.. i dunno who he is.. but he's a great guy. i'd like to thank him in advance for not suing me for using this. ---> let's git on wit da big shit <------------------------------------------ "Meditations on a Packet of Duck Sauce" by Andy Newman (YAY!@#$! WE LUV YOU!$#@) 1. It is mid-morning on Amity Street in Jersey City, a quietly bustling industrial strip at the base of a hill. A man in a small blue go-cart zooms down the block. Inside a nondescript cinder-block building, a silver-tipped injection gun forces itself between two layers of cellophane and squirts out 3/8 of an ounce of viscous orange liquid. The orange-filled cell descends past a heated crimper that presses a cross-hatched pattern of intersecting diagonals into its top edge, creating an airtight seal and forming at the same time the bottom of the next cell. The full, dangling cell is severed by a horizontal blade and drops into a metal tray like a newborn. 2. Five or perhaps five hundred miles away, in a medium-sized city, a woman walks out of a storefront Chinese restaurant with a stapled brown paper bag in one hand and her child's wrist in the other. The restaurant is a cheap one, the kind that serves its food in flat styrofoam containers that don't close right. It is almost dark. The woman and her young child, who whimper from time to time, walk three blocks to her apartment, which is sparsely decorated but not clean. The woman lays the bag on the kitchen table, lifts the child into a chair and sits down. She pulls out the styrofoam container and turns the bag upside-down. Along with a plastic fork, a napkin and a grease-impregnated glassine envelope of fried noodles, three plastic packets tumble out onto the table: one yellow, one orange and one brown. Without her consciously realizing it, a series of images flashes through the woman's mind: epoxy, street drugs, condoms, a child's rainbow rendered in bright earth tones. She pops open the styrofoam container of shrimp fried rice and picks up the plastic orange packet. She grips one side of the top edge with her left hand and, pinching the other side between her index finger and a lacquered thumbnail, tears a line that runs straight down and then curves sharply to the right. Her mind does not consciously register the pleasurable contact between the whorled fingertips of her left hand and the cross-hatches of the expertly crimped edge of the packet. The woman moves her left hand to the bottom of the packet and squeezes gently, thinking, consciously this time, of an especially cooperative tube of toothpaste. A ribbony blob of orange squirts out across the landscape of fried rice, making a small fart sound as an air bubble is expelled. The woman spreads the sauce evenly with the plastic fork and transfers some of the food to the waiting mouth of her child. The child, still several years away from understanding the concepts "tangy" and "sweet," smiles for the first time that day. 3. So much depends upon an open box of extruded apricots fresh from the meat grinder looking like marinated brains or a marmalade-saturated mop head 4. The Wah Yoan Condiments Products Corp. is one of the three largest purveyors of portion-controlled Chinese food lubricants on the East Coast. Through distributors, Wah Yoan supplies 25 to 30 thousand restuarants in 32 states. Each year, its banks of humming machines and six dozen employees produce 750 million packets of, in steeply descending orders of popularity, soy sauce, duck sauce, hot mustard and, since 1986, a more or less forgettable hot sauce. Approximately 40 million of these packets languish in sticky pools in the butter compartments and unaccomodatingly-shaped egg shelves of home refrigerators. Another 600,000 are placed under the tires of cars in Chinese restaurant or strip mall parking lots by gangly, prepubescent suburban miscreants. Even assuming optimal squeezing patterns, 8 to 10 percent of each packet of duck sauce remains trapped inside its plastic prison. 5. Unlike applesauce, which is made from apples, or, for that matter, soy sauce, which in Wah Yoan's case is made from soy-derived Vegamine V-28 Liquid Hydrolyzed Plant Protein, duck sauce contains no ducks or duck by-products. And unlike steak sauce, which contains no steaks but is used mostly on steaks, duck sauce is rarely used to complement duck. Of the roughly 70 million packets of duck sauce Wah Yoan ships each year (duck sauce sells about half as well as soy sauce and twice as well as mustard), perhaps 150,000 wind up on ducks; fully half of these are spread on live ducks by scientifically curious or overly literal-minded farm children. Duck sauce is made mostly from water, sugar and starch, slowly agitated at a temperature of 200 degrees for three hours in eight-foor-high stainless steel kettles that hold 5,500 pounds. Near the end of the cooking process, sauce technicians stir in about 500 pounds of dried apricots or peaches, depending on market price, that have been run through a meat grinder. The only other condiment product Wah Yoan sells is thick sauce, which saunds like but is not quite culturally analogous to hard sauce, an obsolete British substance made from sugar, butter and rum, found in dusty jars on forgotten supermarket shelves and served chilled on fruitcake. Thick sauce contains blackstrap molasses, caramel color, corn syrup and salt, and is used by restaurants to thicken and sweeten fried rice. It is sold only in five-pound buckets. 6. Each packet of Wah Yoan Condiments Products Corp. sauce bears a blurry reproduction of the company's coat of arms: the letters W and Y and the Chinese characters for Wah and Yoan (which mean, respectively, Chinese and Fuzhou, Fuzhou being the capital of Fujian province, home of company founder Nelson Yeung) displayed inside a shield capped by a crown. Nelson Yeung is convinced that if he could only crack the supermarket market, he could double his sales within a few years. As it is, business is so good that the company is about to move to a bigger building in a more spacious part of Jersey City, across County Road from the U.S. Postal Service's New York International and Bulk Mail Facility. Nelson Yeung has a saying. "Until the end of the world comes," he says, "people will always want more soy sauce and duck sauce." ---> credz <----------------------------------------------------------------- [Published in "Lowest Common Denominator," Issue #17, August 1995. LCD is published by WFMU. WFMU broadcasts from East Orange, New Jersey at 91.1 FM. Direct questions or correspondence to WFMU, P.O. Box 1568, Montclair, NJ 07042. E-mail WFMU at: wfmu@wfmu.org or call WFMU at (201) 678-8246] [Electronically published, without permission (ak!@#$!), by y0lk] [don't send this to wfmu.org] [please] [if you're reading - we really luv u, fmu.. don't sue us or anything] [please] [in fact, i donated a few $$ last year for yer membership drive..] [everyone, give fmu a few bux.. just mail it to the above address] ---> thinking back <--------------------------------------------------------- isn't andy newman that guy on tv? no, i don't think so. oh well. ---> editor's note <--------------------------------------------------------- woo. ---> shephard's note <------------------------------------------------------- wow. these are cool dividers. good issue, phorce. y0lk makes me cry. ---> index <----------------------------------------------------------------- index of y0lk issues: ,s&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&s. $ issue $. title `$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $' 001 `$ the other white meat `$ $ 002 $ several k-rad elite haxors sitting around a campfire and grooving $ $ 003 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ $ 004 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ $ 005 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ $ 006 $ pour cement down my anus $ $ 007 $ hail santa! $ $ 008 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ $ 009 $ lunchables rock. $ $ 010 $ t-shirts and toejam $ $ 011 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ $ 012 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ $ 013 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ $ 014 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ $ 015 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ $ 016 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ $ 017 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ $ 018 $ lemmings $ $ 019 $ the science of astrology $ $ 020 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ $. 021 ,$ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? ,$ `$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$' issues 1-5, 7, 9, and 15-16 by creed issues 6, 8, 11-13, and 17 by hooch issue 10 by bEdlAM issue 14, 18, and 21 by phorce issue 19 by belial issue 20 by creed + hooch mindcrime is an official y0lk member. note: if you have written an issue, you are a y0lk member, have a y0lk member board, etc. woo.