--(y0lk)-----------------------------------------------------------------------
y0lk #106: marvin's adventures in levitation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        well.  y0lk is at a standstill.  finally, i've disgusted everyone to
the point where nobody is willing to respond to my hypocrisy anymore.  great.
...i can't complain - i don't really care about it, really, it's just a little
zine.  it was designed to serve me, and it has served me, and it still serves
me.  it just interests me why people stopped writing.  i suppose it has
something to do with my actions regarding this scene in the recent past. let me
retrace my steps:

1) i wrote an issue openly endorsing suicide and discussing my contempt for
   democracy.  hmm.  maybe the suicide thing worked.  maybe you peons all went
   off and killed yourselves.  wow.  neat.  yeah.

2) issue #100.  i slacked off and let mogel do it.  was that bad?  i dunno.  i
   liked it, but i got a lot of mixed feedback.  the diehard y0lk fans seemed
   to think it was too silly.  i guess it lacked the y0lk i-hate-everyone vibe.
   or something like that.  oh, well.  i liked it.  mogel just makes my
   teenage heart throb.

3) i think this is the crucial point here.  i told everyone to stop being
   stupid.  i said i was reforming y0lk, because i was tired of all the idiocy.
   nonsense is still okay, but not kindergarten, squealing, nonsense.  i dunno.
   i guess i was wrong about y0lk.  we are all a bunch of idiots.  i thought i
   could prove the college crowd wrong.  oh, well.  i guess i shouldn't have
   put my faith in humanity like that.

4) ok, this was probably my biggest mistake: i started paying attention to
   my SOCIAL LIFE, and then i started TRYING at SCHOOL!  i needed to pick up
   my "D" average, and, as spring arrived and the flowers came into bloom,
   a young idiot's fancy turned to lust and i forgot about my beloved zine,
   somewhere along the line.  my, oh my.  it sickens me to know i have the
   capability of living a socially-based existence like everyone else.  my
   world seems to be changing as my iron sense of self decays.  there are
   a few individuals who actually have the foolishness to want to talk to
   me.  this is all very odd.  maybe i'll start carrying a gun.

5) the production stopped, for a long time, and i didn't do anything about it
   until mercuri convinced me not to lose hope.  so i allowed three more issues
   to be released in the next week (none of which i bothered with myself), and
   then let y0lk fall on its ass again.  i guess i forgot what it was like when
   nobody gives a damn about what you do.

        yeah.  the points are there.  sorry.  just thinking out loud.  on with
the misanthropy.

--(human stew)-----------------------------------------------------------------

        i drew that divider out and then left my computer for a while and came
back.  it says "human stew."  i think maybe that was supposed to be a note to
myself regarding what i should write here.  i don't know what i was thinking.
that is assuming i was thinking at all...

	anyway, if you're sitting here reading this, you should write for
y0lk.  i'd like to keep it alive and stuff.

	okay i'm just going to start making up a plot as i go along here.
enjoy.

--(orangina)-------------------------------------------------------------------

"marvin's adventures in levitation"

	it was 3:30 am.  marvin was in his room, talking on the phone with
one of his friends.  he was tired, and he really wanted to go to sleep,
but he valued the phone conversation more than his own health or sanity,
so he continued to talk.  the person at the other end of the line, alex,
did not want to talk at all, and was quite annoyed by marvin's incessant
babbling... but he had nothing better to do, so he allowed himself to be
irritated by marvin's vocal presence.

	"...so, anyway," marvin stated, "what i've been thinking is that
there's got to be a better religion out there somewhere.  i mean, the
world is like a gazillion years old, and the religions that we follow are
only a couple thousand years old, at most, y'know?"

	"yeah, sure.  i guess that's why we have so many atheists.
personally i don't care.  this is stupid."

	"no, but really... what's wrong with polytheism?  whatever
happened to baal and set and bast and horus and anubis and all those
egyptian gods?  i think god said something like early in the bible in
exodus or something like, 'thou shalt not worship any god before me.'  but
then later when people were radical monotheists and shit they just said
there were no other gods at all.  but i think baal and set and those guys
might be still up there!  and knowing they have only a few followers,
they, just maybe, would give power to those with the balls to worship
them!  maybe that's why guys like crowley and stuff who paid some
attention to all these old whacked-out gods were known to have used crazy
magick and stuff... i think this could be a powerful innvoation here."

	"yeah, it's a good thing you're the first person who thought of
it," alex replied calmly.

	"yeah - so maybe this could be something new here--"

	alex interrupted marvin in mid-sentence.  he was getting tired.
"listen, i'm getting tired.  this is all very interesting.  you're a very
intelligent person.  bye."

	"ok, bye.  i'll talk to you tomorrow."  alex hung up before marvin
could even utter these words.

	then he started levitating.

	marvin was floating around in his room.  he enjoyed this sensation
for about twenty minutes, hovering on his back, about a foot from the
ceiling.  it got boring pretty fast, though.  pretty soon he wanted to
come back down... but he couldn't.  as he struggled to pull himself down
to the bed, he began to float out of his room, and then out the front
door.

	there he was, levitating down the streets of suburbia, about three
feet from the ground.  it's a good thing it was really early in the
morning.  once in a while a dog would bark at him for a while, but he was
going fast enough not to have to worry about that for too long.  he turned
corners from block to block, wondering where he was going.

	about twenty minutes later, he approached the door of the police
station and entered.  there was an old skinny man in a blue uniform
sitting behind the desk.

	"may i help you, son?"

	marvin attempted to reply nervously.  "uh, no.  sorry.  i'll be
right out."

	the officer nodded quietly and got back to his paperwork.  marvin
remained there, in the police station, for a few more minutes... but after
a while, 4:30 rolled around and two more police officers came in to start
their shifts.

	"hey, look," said the one on the right, "there's a kid levitating
in the middle of the room."

	the one on the left nodded and they went into the locker rooms to
change.

	marvin just stayed there, levitating, counting the cracks in the
ceiling.  at around noon, he was really starting to clutter the station,
and the police decided to arrest marvin.  on the write-up of the arrest,
the skinny officer behind the desk wrote "loitering/levitation" as the
charge.  they pushed marvin off into a cell and locked him in.  he
continued to levitate there, where he was stripped naked and urinated on,
then forced to give oral sex every fifteen minutes to a stout
czechoslovakian man named michael.

	hours passed.  at 5:00, a fat, balding policeman approached marvin
and michael's cell.  "someone's here to see you, fly-boy."  the cops had
gotten to calling him that by now.  sometimes they screamed it at him when
they came by on coffee break to masturbate while michael stuffed marvin's
face with his own feces and violently rammed his abnormally-large penis
down his throat, as he levitated at waist-level for michael.

	marvin was so engulfed with this short flashback that he did not
notice when his visitor entered his cell and sat down in front of his
levitating body.  it was satan, dressed only in a black loincloth.  

	"hi, marvin," he said.  "what's shakin'?"

	"SATAN!  wow, thank god you came!"  marvin did not noticed the
irony of that statement at the time.  "you've got to make me stop
levitating!"

	satan nodded, and pointed his long red finger at marvin's naked
crotch.  instantly, he felt an immense weight in his scrotum and fell to
the floor.

	"what did you do?!@#!@?#??"  he screamed, still in pain from the
foreign weight in his nutsack and the impact of the floor.

	"oh, i filled your scrotum with lead.  you shouldn't have trouble
levitating anymore."  satan bowed and vanished in a puff of smoke.  he
rematerialized in marvin's house, where he devoured his father in bed and
proceeded to fornicate with his half-asleep mother.

	neither marvin nor michael ever left that cell.  michael was
actually being held by the FBI as a secret political prisoner, and nobody
really cared enough for marvin to rescue him, as his mother had been
seduced and impregnated by the prince of darkness.

	marvin's mom and satan lived in their nice white house for a few
millenia, as satan had granted his new mate eternal life.  they turned
marvin's room into a sacrificial chamber, and alex was invited to move in
there and serve as slave and concubine to the unholy couple.  he accepted
the invitation and lived out the rest of his life mostly smoking crack and
sacrificing small animals.  he was relatively undisturbed as a concubine,
as satan and his wife were actually quite satisfied sexually.  up until
satan got bored with suburbia and decided to devour his wife and move on,
the family lived a very long, happy life together.

	and although michael tried to love marvin as much as he could,
marvin was just never satisfied with life.  life was very long and unhappy
for poor marvin.