The Imitation Operator from Hell ...... Written by: Cuebiz (BSC - Team Black Sheep) ============================================ http://groups.google.com/groups?q=imitation+operator&hl=en&selm=e8747872.0107120533.597f50d7%40posting.google.com&rnum=1 Introduction ============ The imitation operator from hell files were written to be a trilogy file combination. The 3rd issue is yet to be written and released as of June 21, of 2002. There has even been talk about the imitation operator files being turned into a full length movie! Well, Iam lying about that, but I think it should be made into a commercial or maybe even a video for someone's class project! The idea came about as a [obvious] parody of the Bastard Operator From Hell files written in the 80s and very early 90s. It was first written out of bordom and soon gained it notoriety as a "file so stupid, its funny". All suggestions and feedback should be sent to the author: bo0bz@hotmail.com - if email is invalid, then you should go to: Http://telco-inside.spunge.org to look for Cuebiz's current email address. If you're reading this file past the year 2002, there is no guarantee that the website will still be there. Note to reader, the Erricson T19 programming information in the 2nd issue of IOFH *is* REAL. It was the authors sick way of sneaking in "0day" facts. Entry for June 30th, 2001 ========================= Ring... Ring... "Damn phone. Iam begining to hate phones" Ring... Ring... Okay, okay, I guess one phone call can't hurt. "Operator." "Uh, somethings wrong with this payphone. The only number that works is "0", can you place a call for me? I'll drop my coins into the slot so you can hear the tones" This guy must be kidding me; he doesn't really think that after a sentence like that, I'd actually let him get a free call with his stupid little DOS programs, right? "Excuse me; exactly what tones are you talking about?" "Does it sound like this?" I then bring up my mini-cassette recorder and play several quarter tones to the caller. "Uh, yeah. I guess. Can you make a call for me?" "Sure, play your quarter tones; give me about 10 bucks, okay?" "Ummm, uh, okay" PleePleeep-Pleep, PleePleeep-Pleep, PleePleeep-Pleep, PleePleeep-Pleep. "Thats a dollar; is that alright?" "Sure, why not. Hold on and i'll connect you" "The number I wanna call is - " Ring... Ring... "Hello? 911, what is your emergency". *Click* Oh well, I guess he didn't know that I could patch him into 911. Oh well; back to messing with CLID checksums. Okay, mister Kevin Wells from 405-689-3201, you shall be calling from the white- house. Lets see how 405-689-1472 feels about getting a call from Washington DC. Okay, the light on my panel is glowing again. Lets hear some ringing... *click* Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... "Operator" "Iam having trouble finding a number; can you help me find it?" "Sorry; the last time I played hide and go seek with a number, I lost two days of work" "I mean that I dont know the number to a business, can you give me the number?" "Sure, couldn't hurt - What is the name of the business". "NewYork something ...." "Sure, the number for NewYork something is 212-890-2356" "No. No. No. the name of the company isn't NewYork Something; it starts with NewYork, and theres' another word in the name. Come on man, how did you get to be an operator?" "I realy dont know. I just hung around Pacific Bell, and soon enough, I got hired". "Are you going to help me or not?" "Oh, I have a choice. Okay. Goodbye." *click* Lets see how many people are on the 1711; Hrmm. Oh, cool. there's a call coming in. I like the def better. They're often more inteligent. I start typing to the person on the other end. OPERATOR GA * hi ga WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH GA * nothing ga Will today ever end? Do people have nothing better to do? Oh my god. I think that I should just sit and forget about tonight and daydream about going home and sleeping. I turn my attention back to what my person is keying to me. * are you there ga NO * talk to me ga STANDBY * ok *click* I guess I can take a shot at being a lineman for now. I guess this plastic duck could take over my panel for now. I saw it on a cartoon once. "Gwen, I'll be back; Iam taking one of the vans out for a spin". I walk up to a random van, looking for a van that one of our careless linemen didn't lock (its mandatory; but they dont). I jump in, glance at a nudie magazine left on the dashboard, and start it up. I grab my cell-phone and ring up Gwen who's probably taking my place at the board right now. Ring... "Hello, Operator my name is Gwen how can I help you?" "Oh my god Gwen; you answer the phones like a lesbian" "Oh, James, its you. What do you want? If you didnt' notice Iam busy doing your job" "No, I need you to look up 611. I want to solve some problems in the field". "Oh okay, we have two people... choose one; one or two?" "Ummm, give me two". "Okay, this ones in downtown; Rochester Avenue, 531 the old King building; Apartment 22A" "Whats their problem?" "They claim to have a problem with the wiring in their building; we told them to wait till tomorrow morning - so I advise you call them before you get there, to see if its okay with them. You wouldn't want to piss them off" "Sure, okay. bye" "What, wait! I forgot to give you the -" *click* Okay, here we go... the old King building..... I get out of the car; glance at a homeless man eating his own feces; and then started looking for apartment 22A. Hrrrmmmm. This is harder than I thought. These numbers aren't sequential at all. They seem to go 21B, 35C, 20A, 45D ... and so on and so on... I see NO pattern. WTF is up with these old buildings. Were they built by illiterate monkeys who were trained how to stack bricks and teach homeless people how to eat shit? "Oh, cool. Here it is... Apartment 22A, right in between apartment 59E, and 43B" Knock! Knock! Knock! "Hello? Pacific Bell. Iam here to fix your phone! Hello?" Knock! Knock! Knock! The door opens and there's a 7 or 8 year old behind it. "My parents are asleep; wait here, okay?" "Sure. Why not... hey kid do you have beer in the fridge?" "Sure. Hold on" The kid closes the door on my face and I wait for about fifteen minutes. A man in his late thirties opens the door with a beer in his hand. "Who are you? and why are you telling my kid to give you alcohol?" "Hi, Iam Ken, from Pacific Bell. Im here to fix your phone. I know we said that we'd send a guy in the morning but my boss called me up and bribed me with time and a half pay" "So, you think you can just waltz over here at one in the morning and we're supposed to just welcome you with hospitality? I dont think so". "Okay sir; but Iam the best they've got and I could fix your problem in about ten minutes" "Yeah, but Iam a technician and I couldn't fix it. What makes you think you can fix it in just ten mintues? I personally doubt you." "Oh well, Iam going then; I have another customer who would be more than willing to accept my services. Have a good night". The man hesitates and then calls after me. "Well, if you can do it as fast as you say you can...." "What the hell, come on in - here's your beer" I walk in, grab my beer, and take a look around. This house is more a mess than my old dorm room; and we were computer nerds who didn't do anything except code. This guy looks like either a stock-brocker or a lawyer or something. "So, show me where you think the problem is coming from, you ARE a techie aren't you?" "Sure... Its uhh umm errr ummm" I decide to mess with him for a while. I walk over to his power box located near his kitchen and opened it up. "Err, thats where I was going. Thats the uhhh ummm, damn I forgot its name... what do you call it again?" "Oh, this is the defribulator; this is where most of the problems are located". "Yeah, thats it; I learned that in tech-classes at the uhh... community college" "Sure. Uh, excuse me; can you hold this wire. See, its the one labled 'Warning: Live Electrical current, DO NOT TOUCH'" "Ummm okay". He grabs the wire and then asks, "Hey, did you shut of the electricity?", and then before I could answer, he grabs the other wire, thus completing the circuit. Five or six fizzles later; he lets go and falls to the floor. I give him some of my beer and then I find out that his problem wasn't his wires; it was an internal problem which only could of been dealt with at the CO. "Whoa, I've found the problem; I need to go to our central office to fix it. Thanks for your time; have a good night" I let myself out of the door and drink the last of my beer. I jumped in the van and did some of the best drunk driving 'car-dodges' that I personally have ever witnessed. Alas, Iam back. Gwen seems to be taking care of all the complaints and I walk over to our employee lounge and make myself a cup of coffee. More nights to come.... The Imitation Operator from Hell is getting preeeEEEty good comments! Lets see what some people have to say: "MORE MORE I DEMAND MORE STORIES! Pretty cool man" - the collecter "rotflmao. Nice Cuebiz." - jenn "for some reason I read the whole thing" - The Captain "a theft from the BOFH but witty non the less" - Dunc/Gryff "Yeah, I have to admit, that was a pretty kick ass story ;-)." - Jay Lagorio / An interesting morning for the imitation operator from HELL Written by: Cuebiz January 12th, 2002 ============================================================ I walk in to hear the dreaded phone ringing - I glance at my watch, 7:55am; damn its early. I decide not to answer it after finding that daydreaming is much more fun. I hear footsteps, and see Gwen walk into the employee lounge and sit next to me. "James, you're here on time. Iam confused - you're NEVER ... Why are you early? Oh, wait, no - if you're thinking what I think you're thinking ... NO! I wont have sex with you in the frame-room!" "No, No. I dont want ... Well, unless you want to ... No, Gwen, Iam just here early. Thats all. I had the worse dream last night." "Oh; how bad was it?", Gwen eyes soften and she reaches over and grabs my shoulder. "It was weird, I had fell into the depths of hell. Are you familiar with Dante's vision of hell? Where it's frozen cold and "sinners" are sentenced to stay frozen in ice from their necks down? I went there! I was Dante!" When I looked up at her, I knew that the compassion that I had expected wasn't coming. She made a little gasp and smiled. Like I had just told her a stupid joke. "You weren't smoking anything before you went to hell, right?" "NO! I mean it, it was scary. I dont know what to make of it." "Maybe your subconcience is telling you something ..." "WHAT!? Is it true? Am I subconciously trying to banish the Imitation Operator from Hell? Am I only now meeting my greatest foe? Am _I_ my greatest foe? Maybe I should try to be nicer to callers from now on .... To save my soul ... maybe I should ..." *Ring* *Ring* Oh damn, the phone's at it again. "Hello, Verizon, This is Jamie - how I can I help you?" "Yes, errr uh, something is wrong with my cellphone. I uh, changed my phone number about an hour ago and the other operator said that it should work by now. She also said that if it didn't work, to call you guys." "Oh, could I get your cellular phone number, please, including the area code." "40432, 19, 013" Usually, people with NO phone number rythym would piss me off, big time. But, iam turning over a new leaf. Iam not going to let this bring me to hell. I can over come this. *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* I punch in his phone number and find that the idiot operator that tried to help him earlier didn't register his number. But, she entered her ID # (I've recognized all of the ID #'s that belonged to the hot chicks working in my building) on the customers form under "Last Serviced by:". Maybe I could use this as grounds to ask her (the idiot operator) out to lunch or to grab a cup of coffee or something. "okay, did you already re-program the number into the NAM?" "Excuse me?" "I guess not. Okay, you have an Erricsson T19, correct?" "yes". "Okay, I want you to press #, 0, 0, 1, 6, 7, #, * and press yes. Does it say DANGER?" After waiting for about five minutes ... He decides to finally let me know that he's still alive. "Excuse me? What did you want me to press?" "#, 0, 0, 1, 6, 7, #, *, yes ... It should now say DANGER!" "Okay. uh-huh, it does now say DANGER!" "Good. Press yes. It should display your ESN or Electronic Serial Number, press yes again to make it go away. It should now ..." "Wait, wait ... What does ESN stand for again?" "It doesn't matter. There wont be a test after this session." "okay". "It should now say something along the lines of ENTER NEW NUMBER. Do you see this?". "Okay." "Now enter in your new number. 404, 321, 9013 and press yes. After you do this, your phone will restart". "What do I enter as my new number?" "The phone number you gave me earlier." "What phone number?" "Sir, whats your cellular phone number?" "40432, 19, 013" "Yes, *THAT* number. Punch in *THAT* number* "Okay, now what do I do?" "Did you press yes?" "No." How stupid can this guy be? He has no phone rythym and hasn't cought onto the fact that he should press yes everytime he's finished entering in a command. "Well, sir, press yes" "Okay, now what?" "Thats it, sir. You're phone should work fine. Try making a local call with it right now." I can hear his phone beep after every digit and then I hear him let out a soft "YESSSS!". "Okay, its working. Thank you SO very much!" "YOu're welcome. Thank you for calling Verizon ...." I can't help it, the Imitation Operator from Hell _MUST_NOT_ be kept under lock and key! "Sir? Are you still there?" "Yes." "From all of us at Verizon ... Fuck you, and I hope you have a shitty day!" *click* The operator is back! Oh well, there's 8 minutes that I'll never see again. I walk into the employee lounge and pop in my pirated edition of RollerBall. That L.L Cool J guy really is one of the worse black actors I've seen in years. I then take the time to change my bosses screensaver to say "I molest my children whenever Iam not banging my secretary. Oh god Iam horny!" and password protect it. That'll show him! Damn Windows 98'er! I drop a few slugs into the coke machine and fortunately enough, I hock myself a free PEPSI. I walk to my panel singing to myself that new PEPSI theme "ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ... The Joy of cola ....". The ol' light's ringing again. I need to hear ringing. Hrmmm, I flip the magical switch and tada, it starts singing to me. *ring* *ring* I like to let them wait. Hopefully, they'll hang up. *ring* *ring* *ring* Oh, we've got a persistant bugger. Here we go .... "Thank you for calling Verizon, this is Jamie; how can I help you?" I here a sound that went something like *beep* *pleep* *kssshhhhhhhhh". "Check your CallerId!", the voice yells to me. "I check our ANI unit and it displays a phone number. Okay, its a casual residential line, whats the big deal?" "Excuse me?" I hear the noise again! and to find out what he's trying to do - I check the ANI unit again. It hadn't changed. It dawns on me what he's trying to do. He's sending in CLID information! He doesn't know the difference between ANI and CLID! This should be fun, I load up S.O.B Version 1.0 (come on, be serious, you know that we _ALL_ have it). "Look, kid! I have the same program you do!" I play a few exported .wav's to him and then laugh. The other end becomes silent; I can only imagine him on the other end - discovered, scared, probably shitting in his pants while holding down the mute button. "Let me tell you what, I'll help you out a bit. We have ANI units, kid. CLID is used only in our telemarketing department because we dont give a shit about them. anyways. I'll just hang up on you now, okay? bye, bye!" *click* I grab a roster labled "Trash" off of someones desk, Hrmmm, its the DATU RT Users manual with all of our dial-ups on it. Whew, talk about a secure team. I innocently write down the kids phone number, just in case it gets boring later on tonight ..... More nights to come .....