Recently, I got a call from someone who turned off his computer whenever he found himself somewhere in Windows he didn't want to be. "I just turn it off when I don't like where I am," he said. Wonder of all wonders, scandisk found a score of lost allocation units and bad sectors. ======= * Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty." * Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble with it?" * Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool." ======= An man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes." "Could that be the problem?" he asked. ======= I once had a customer that wanted a light in her computer, similar to a computer she saw at one of her friend's houses. So she lit a candle and set it inside her tower case. ======= One of my favorite stories is from back in the 90s. A guy bought a 16-bit sound card for his computer, but for whatever reason decided he only needed an 8-bit sound card. Instead of taking it back and exchanging it, he figured all he needed to do was get a pair of scissors and physically cut the sound card in half. ======= My friend from school thought that since the CPU heatsink burned his finger when the computer was on, it must be keeping the CPU too hot to overclock. So he took it off. Wheee! SNAP! Fizzle. Burnt silicon smell. He went on to fail the unit in science class on thermal conductivity. ======= Once when I was brousing through a flea market, I came across an unusually large display of random pieces of junk that were for sale. The guy had a few computer parts lying in bins filled with brown water. His excuse was "The water will help it slip in better." I tried to tell him that the parts were all dead, but he insisted that they were fine and asked me to leave. ======= I run a small computer repair business out of my home. A kid from one of my classes in high school stopped over to see if I could fix his computer. The entire front of the computer was melted, with a huge burn mark where the floppy drive should have been. He said he couldn't find a place for his incense that he was burning so he stuck it in the floppy drive. Then he fell asleep. ======= My most interesting day ever working as a contract support technician back in the mid-90s for a large banking instituion in north Texas began with me riding the express escalator from the lobby up to the third floor, all the while watching the building's highest maintentence IT trouble ticket generator, a 60+ year old beehive-haired executive administrative assistant, dressed in a sparkly green pantsuit and skillfully wielding a clear plastic picnic knife and fork in order to fill a floppy drive with peanut butter "to stop the squeaky noises." I didn't know it at the time, but this was also to be my last day with said large banking institution. Later, as I was getting stitches in the hospital, I was fired by phone call for being "involved in a negative physical altercation with a fellow employee or executive." I was asked to service the laptop of a VIP executive who had a chemical dependency issue in a bad way. He had attempted ot install a NIC into his laptop docking station, which already had a NIC onboard, so of course the addressing conflicted. It appeared that he'd been up all night tweaking the thing and "working on the problem," because the docking station looked beat all to hell. Midway through my third reboot of his docked laptop, he suddenly became very irritated and abusive, and he stabbed me in the spine with a large bowie knife. You read that right. It stuck into one of my spine bones. I still have the scar. Don't ask me why I stupidly turned my back to him. ======= One day a customer called complaining that he just received his computer, but it won't turn on. When he first pushed the power button, the screen flashed and then everything died. I couldn't do much over the phone, so I went to the customer's office. It was plugged in, everything was hooked up ok, but, sure enough, it refused to turn on. I decided to take it back and promised to deliver a new one as soon as possible. But when I went to pick it up, I couldn't. Fearful of thieves, the man had fired some 24 inch bolts straight through the box, through the hard drive, motherboard, everything, locking it to his desk. "Oh," he said, "I thought it was just the TV part that was important. Will my warranty cover this?" ======= A friend of mine had managed to order a new AMD CPU and a motherboard from another friend of ours that owned a computer store that, at the time, did not sell AMD, but was willing to get it in to help out my friend. My friend picked up the gear and brought it around to my place, and we built the system together. Upon finishing it, we ran some test programs on it, and everything was fine. My friend then decided to check out the system properties. Windows XP told him that he had an AMD Athlon 1700+. Now, he knew he had bought a 2.4 gig CPU, and the 1700 was not fast enough, so, while I was out of the room, he went into the BIOS and changed the Front Side Bus to try to get it from 1700+ to 2.4 gig. Within a few moments, the PC died a horrible death. He took the PC back to our friend's store, where it was dismantled. We found that the motherboard was fried and the CPU had small craters in it. The friend that owned the store managed to get a replacement motherboard and CPU. When the replacement gear arrived in the store, the store owner's assistant wrote in huge letter on the motherboard box, "Do Not Change FSB!!!" So, after explaining to the friend, that Windows picks up the AMD as a 1700+ but it is still a 2.4 gig processor, and that the original PC was running optimally, we went back to my place and started installing the replacement gear. Everything was fine, and my friend was happy with the way everything ran but was convinced it still loaded programs quicker when he changed the FSB on the old PC that he fried. But he'd been told not to change the FSB, and so he didn't. He took the PC home. The next weekend he told me he had changed the FSB again and fried another CPU and motherboard. ======= At school, we have iMacs. I was in computer class one day, and this kid's computer froze up. He knew you could use a paper clip to reset it, but he didn't know how, and rather than asking where the reset hole was on the back, he stuck it in the MICROPHONE. ======= A customer called us (a computer shop) and asked what all they needed to bring in with the computer. I told her that was it. Then about 10 minutes later she pulled up with the monitor and the computer still attached to each other. She said she couldn't unscrew the monitor from the computer, so she brought both in. I took a look at it. The built-in video card was hanging on by a thread and sticking out where they tried ripping out the cable without unscrewing it first. She acted surprised when I told her she ruined the motherboard. ======= * Customer: "I need a new modem." * Tech Support: "What's wrong with your current modem?" * Customer: "The Internet light is not on." * Tech Support: "Did you reset your modem recently?" * Customer: "Yes I did, but what does it have to do with it?" * Tech Support: "Well, resetting the modem wipes out your configuration profile, so we just need to reconfigure it." * Customer: "Did you not hear me? The modem is broken, and I demand a replacement now!" * Tech Support: "The modem is not broken. If you are willing to, we can configure it in about 2 minutes." * Customer: "I want a new modem!" * Tech Support: "We can't replace modems over a simple reconfiguration issue. All we have to do--" CRASH. * Customer: "Now it's broke! Replace the thing already!" * Tech Support: "Ok sir, we cannot replace a modem that you destroyed, and your modem is past warranty, so you'll have to buy a new one anyway." * Customer: "!*#$(*@#%!@&#$&*(!@#*$!@*^!@#$@" (Click.) ======= I work in a call center for a large cell phone company that sells PDAs with phone functionality. I got a call from a customer who said her stylus had broken. I offered to transfer her to customer care, where they could order her out a pack of styluses. She said no, the phone had gotten "messed up." I asked what was wrong with it, and she said that when the stylus had broken, she'd tried to superglue it back together, then put it back in the slot before the glue had dried, and it got stuck in the phone. So she tried to take it out with a hammer and chisel. ======= I work for a major computer retailer and heard a page over the intercom for an available salesman at the customer service desk. Most of the salesmen are a little apprehensive when they hear this, because you never know what you are about to get in the middle of. As I approached the desk, I saw a well-dressed cowboy and a desktop tower on the service desk. One of the customer service reps informed me that the computer he bought today was broken, and he needed a replacement. So I agreed and started toward the tower to take it back. The gentleman stopped me and said he just realized he had forgotten to get his CD out. Before I could say anything, he pulled out a pocket knife and went for it. Luckily, we got him to stop before he did any real damage, and I showed him how to hook it up to a power cord and eject it normally. Never thought I would see somebody try to knife a computer. ======= While I was at college (back in the days of Archimedes computers), I often helped to teach new users the ropes while the teacher concentrated elsewhere. This one sweet girl was very new, and I didn't mind that she had no concept of the mouse, the screen, and whatnot -- she soon got good enough that I could leave her to do some task and help someone else. Pretty soon, however, she was tugging on my chair, and when I went to see what was going on, she said, "My bracelet is stuck in there." Eh? It was wedged into the floppy disk slot. Why? Apparently, the bracelet was annoying her when she typed, so she took it off. She found a small slot on the computer with a happy little door on it and just went ahead and shoved it in. Tech support had to rescue it by taking the thing apart. ======= I used to work at a printing site that still used paper tape. One of the tape punches failed, and I'd removed the punch mechanism to look at it. It was a complex mishmash of springs, levers, and all sorts of things. Periodically, paper dust would build up and gum up the works, and we'd have to clean them out. But at this particular time, my boss walked past, saw the problem, and said, "Oh! That needs cleaning!" and before I could say or do anything, he grabbed a spray can of PCb cleaner and sprayed the entire mechanism. Now, this stuff dissolves anything that isn't metal, especially plastic. Sure enough, all the plastic components of the punch mechanism started dissolving. There was a loud ping as one of the springs snapped free of its plastic housing and flew across the workshop. The thing just fell apart. It never went back into service -- there just wasn't enough of it left to repair. ======= I used to work technical support and account services for a cellular phone company. One day an individual working for a construction company called and asked why we disconnected his service. I informed him that his service was fine and that his account was current, at which time I was informed that we had to have shut off his account because he couldn't power his phone on. I began asking the usual questions, beginning with the model phone he was using. This often is a huge key to figuring out what the problem is, and it just so happened that he had the most problematic phone we had released due to its emergency yellow and black colors, looking vaguely like one of those water resistant portable cassette players. We tried plugging it in, switching the battery, but it still wouldn't turn on. I asked him if it had been dropped or damaged before it stopped working. The answer was no. I asked him if it had been exposed to water, and the answer was, "What does that matter? I have your waterproof model!" I was sure I had struck the heart of the issue. It turned out that he was showing it off to his work buddies by throwing the "waterproof" phone into a bucket of water while he was joking around on the phone with the foreman. I informed him that the phone was not actually waterproof, and that he would have to purchase a new phone due to the fact that our insurance policy did not cover damage from intentional misuse. He explained that he heard a rumor that if you dry the phone out and replace the battery, they will sometimes continue working. This is sometimes true, so I asked him if the phone had been thoroughly dried. The answer was yes -- he had put the phone into his clothes dryer with a load of laundry, which we then confirmed as the reason the face plate had broken off. He wanted an insurance replacement for his face plate, and I again informed him that our insurance policy did not cover damage from intentional misuse. ======= When my sister and I were both living in the dorms at college, she would frequently come to me for tech support. * Her: "Hey, can you look at my laptop? It's having a problem." * Me: "Yeah, what's the problem?" * Her: "Every time I try to type a letter, three show up, and none of them are the letter I hit." I went to check it out. Sure enough, the problem occurred exactly as she stated it. As I was trying to think what the cause might be, I looked down and noticed a noodle under the enter key. * Me: "There's a noodle in here. How did that get there?" * Her: "Oh, I spilled soup on my keyboard. Does that make a difference?" ======= We got a tech support call from one of our customers saying that she couldn't get the tape out of the drive following the nightly backup run. After getting nowhere on the phone, we eventually sent someone out to have a look at it. It was one of the old QIC tapes, the ones that have a hefty metal plate down one side that physically prevents you from putting them in the wrong way around. Our fearless customer was not to be deterred, however. When she couldn't push the tape in (because it was the wrong way around), she tried forcing it in, but to no avail. Then she resorted to getting a spoon and using it as a lever to force the tape into the drive. Not surprisingly, it wouldn't come out the following morning. She needed a new tape drive. ======= A customer had bought a computer from us about a year ago and a Voodoo 3 card just yesterday. He took it home and tried to install it but couldn't, so he brought them both in this morning. He ranted and raved, etc. He had reboxed the Voodoo 3, expecting a replacement, so we took the computer and the Voodoo 3 in the back and told him we would fit it for free. When we opened the box for the Voodoo 3, it was in a terrible state. The bit of metal that attaches the card to the case was taken off, and a wee heatsink had been scraped off the chip with a screwdriver. I reglued the sink and reattached the backplate. So we opened the machine, and tried to fit the card. Ack. Card is AGP, computer has exactly zero AGP slots. So we went back to the front. * Me: "Sir, your computer has no AGP slots, and this is an AGP video card." * Customer: "Yeah, but the card fit perfectly into the little white slot." * Me: "Which white slot?" * Guy: "There's five of them -- little white ones. There's a spare one." * Me: "The PCI slot? Uhh...it shouldn't...let me check." Sure enough, if you remove the heatsink and backplate, turn the card around, and really hammer it into the only free PCI slot, it will just fit snugly next to the hard disk. We explained that the AGP card was completely destroyed and he had voided the warranty on it by hacking away at it with a screwdriver. The usual mad customer vs. techie exchange ensued, but he eventually backed down and bought the PCI version instead...and got us to fit it. ======= * Customer: "Can it damage a mouse to be thrown at a wall?" ======= One of our customers bought a scanner with a SCSI card. It wasn't connecting, so she brought it in. It turned out she had pried off one of the blank plates covering an empty ISA slot, then shoved the card through the hole and turned on the system. ======= I was on a tech support call yesterday, and one of our stores had a crashed server with a bad motherboard. They did not want to transfer the hard drives over to the new server we were going to send them, so I said, ok, mail the hard drives to me, and we would put them in the new server. So I got the package this morning, and to my surprise I found...the circuit boards from the hard drives. They took the boards off the hard drives and send them to me. Grinning, I called the store and asked them to send me "the rest" of the hard drives. I have never ever ever heard of this happening. Now how the heck am I going to find out which hard drive goes with which circuit board, and will there be any way to get them working again? ======= Recently, my uncle managed to talk my grandmother into getting herself a computer to replace WebTV, which she had used for two years. Not a day after receiving her computer, she called me to ask for some help setting it up, saying she had done everything right but couldn't get it to work. I asked her if it was turned on -- she said it turned on just fine, but she couldn't see a picture. I asked her to check her monitor connections and make sure they were in tight. * Me: "Are the cords to the monitor plugged in tight?" * Her: "They should be in tight. I glued 'em there." * Me: "You...glued them there?" I decided I'd need to pay her a visit and see the damage for myself. Upon arriving to her house, she led me to the area where she had set her computer up. Immediately, I saw the problem. She was attempting to use her TV set as her monitor. I explained to her that she needed a proper computer monitor before she could do anything. "The man at the store said I could use my TV just like WebTV," she said. "Why should I spend two hundred dollars on another TV just to use the computer??" I looked at the back of the television and, sure enough, over each one of the connectors, she had hot glued one of the computer attachments -- including the modem line and her speaker cord. "He tried to sell me one of those tiny TV things to sit on the computer, but I told him I had a perfectly good 20 inch one at home, and he said it would work fine!" It took a bit of doing to convince her that the salesman had probably thought she had meant she had a 20 inch monitor at home. As I spent the next twenty minutes scraping glue off of the back of her television, she called the store and demanded to know why the salespeople had told her she could use a television with her computer. In the end, I concluded that while the television and monitor cable could probably be saved, she would need a new modem cable and speaker cord. ======= I worked at a photo lab in New Mexico. Part of my job was outputing digital files to a film recorder. Everyone there was friendly, except for one woman who never seemed to like me. After a few months I asked my boss about it. He told me that before I got there, they had tried to train her to do the digital output. They even paid for her to go to a class to learn about computers. She was the only student in the class who managed to get a floppy stuck in the drive upside down and backwards. The teacher had to disassemble the machine to get the disk out. She told him she had to pound it with the heal of her hand to get the disk to go in. After that, the photo lab decided she probably wasn't the one for that position. She always resented the fact that I had 'her' job. ======= My mother was visiting one time when I was online. I remarked to her that the computer was running a little slow today. Her solution? Oil it. You can imagine how I wince every time I think of it. ======= A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) bought a brand new Toshiba laptop computer last year since his "old" one was a model from the year before. He worked in the computer services office on campus here at our university. He decided one night that to impress his co-workers he would make his new laptop more decorative. He bought a can of emerald green Krylon spray paint and sprayed his entire computer (screen, mouse, keyboard, casing, and all) with it. He was shocked to find that his computer wouldn't work afterwards and decided the paint must be at fault. So the next day he bought a can of Goo Gone and a bottle of paint thinner and poured them both on his computer, then rinsed it off in the sink. Again, he was shocked when his computer wouldn't work. He was even more shocked when Circuit City told him they wouldn't refund his money or exchange his computer for a new one. ======= I once had a customer whose cdrom drive wasn't working -- I suspect the reason was old or missing drivers, but the customer had tried to fix the problem himself. He thought the problem was that the CD had to sit tightly in the tray, so she took a paper clip, put it through the center hole of the CD, and fastened it to the drive tray. When he tried to use the drive that way, he was greeted with grinding noises caused by the disintegrating drive mechanism. ======= My mom had some problems with her system and figured she'd get a new modem. After she installed it, there were more problems than before. It turned out the modem was an ISA modem, and she somehow managed to put it into a PCI slot. How, I have no idea. ======= Once I was asked to help a friend with her modem troubles. Apparently (and I don't pretend to understand this) the company she works for has a modem hookup that is so slow that her PC's 56K modem cannot connect to it, so her husband installed the company-supplied Viking external modem. I've long since learned not to question user-logic, so I just check the back of the system to locate the modem and plug the phone line into it. For some reason, the slot the modem is occupying is too small for the phone jack to plug in to. Naturally I take off the cover and take a look. To my utter horror, this PCI modem had been "uninstalled" by being pulled out of the slot -- still screwed in, mind you -- and tilted upward so it rested on the top of the PCI slot. Why? The woman's husband insisted that Windows 98 would crash if you had more than one modem installed. ======= A customer came into the store one day to return an internal modem, which he had purchased a few days earlier. He complained that it would not work. I took the modem out of the package and could scarcely believe my eyes. The card had been filed down to about half its original size. * Tech Support: "Why has this card been filed?" * Customer: "The modem didn't fit in the slot, so I had to file it till it would fit." ======= One day, I had gotten a call from a customer who was having a problem with his internal modem; the system was not detecting it. We went through several diagnoses over the phone, and finally he said something that made me pause. * Me: "Sir, wait a second. Let me see if I just heard you correctly. Did you just say you were inserting and removing the modem while the system was up and running?" * Customer: "Well, yeah, I did it both ways." * Me: "Sir, I recommend that you do NOT do that. You could seriously damage your hardware." * Customer: "Well, that's what I thought Plug and Play meant!" ======= Ten years ago, I was working for a company selling computerized cash registers. A customer called in to help me with a cash register that didn't connect to the back office computer. * Me: "So, can you tell me the settings of the DIP switches on the cash register?" * Customer: "DIP switch?" * Me: "Oh, sorry, the small switches located on the backside." * Customer: "Eeeerrr...there are no switches there." * Me: "Oh, yes, there are. Right next to the power cord." * Customer: "No. There are no switches. Not any more!" * Me: (puzzled) "Huh? Not any more? What do you mean?" * Customer: "Well, you know, my collegue told me that these switches might actually be what caused the problem, so I removed them." * Me: "REMOVED THEM??" * Customer: "Yeah, you know, removed them. With a chisel." ======= I used to be a technician on the U.S.S. Ranger, an aircraft carrier, just before the Gulf War. A new commanding officer had just come on board, and, in preparation for our excursion out to Iraq, he ordered that we go through all our spaces and ensure that everything was secured in place, so that if we hit rough seas, or hit something explosive, there wouldn't be debris flying everywhere. Fairly standard routine. About two days later, the Ranger's marine detachment called my shop and said, "Our computer is broken." So I head down to the detachment office to take a look. These PCs were the old Zenith Z-248 desktop models, secured with four zillion screws and weighing in at what seemed like half a ton. Our marines had taken the order to secure things pretty seriously, because they had done it with two half inch lag bolts. They had drilled straight through the case, the mother board, the bottom of the case, and the desk it was sitting on, to drop the lag bolts in place. They couldn't figure out what was wrong, but they knew that it wasn't going anywhere. ======= Fact: Boston Computer Museum sells chocolate bars shaped like floppy disks. Fact: Three year old kids see daddy boot his computer using a floppy to play games. Fact: Computers are warm inside...even some quite expensive computers. I don't want to talk about it. ======= * Customer: "My Mac has a box on the screen." * Tech Support: "What does it say?" * Customer: "Sorry, a system error occurred. '/Netscape Navigator/Bus Error'. I think that my toddler shoved a toy bus into the computer." ======= A user brought in a rather dirty Sony VAIO system to get a new power supply. The thing was dirty and beat up. He set it on the counter, and the side panel popped right open, and the thing was grubby inside. We saw one little tiny bug scurry out of it, and we killed it. The system was brought in back to the garage, to clean it out. The thing was crawling with bugs -- there were over twenty inside this thing, including cockroaches and others I didn't even recognize. We doused everything with antiseptic and killed as many as we could. Then we popped in the new power supply. Just as we brought it out front, one last roach crawled from underneath the old supply and scurried into the new one, making it his home. When we told the user about the amount of bugs (and charging him a little extra for our trouble), he said, "Well, I'm not surprised. We had this thing out by our kitchen." Egads. ======= About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.) I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she? Not possible. Still, I had to ask. * Me: "Did you shoot...?" * Customer: "Yes, I got a little mad at it. They told me I couldn't hurt it, but I think they were wrong. Can you salvage anything?" I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there. About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither." We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg. ======= * Customer: "About time too. Are you a real person?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir, how can I help you?" * Customer: "I moved some stuff I don't use to the trash and deleted the trash, and now I'm getting all sorts of %&*#ing errors. What are you going to do about it? You've got an accent, haven't you?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir, I'm in Ireland." It became apparent that the customer, in his wisdom, had destroyed the Windows registry and deleted just about everything he needed to run Windows. * Tech Support: "Sir, I believe we will have to reload your system with its original operating system, as you are presently unable to get into your system due to the necessary files being deleted. Unfortunately you will lose anything added since you purchased the system. Shall I walk you through the reload sir?" * Customer: "You mean I paid $2,000 dollars, and I have to reload this myself?" (rants for fifteen minutes, makes death threats and references to being supported by a third world country) "*&@$ing reload! I'll give you a reload!" Bang! Bang! * Tech Support: "Sir, is everything all right?" * Customer: "Sure is. I just blew the $#%&ing thing to bits with my shotgun you *$@%ing &*%$er." * Tech Support: (taking a satisfying long breath) "Sir, I would like to advise you at this point that gunshot damage is not covered under the terms and conditions of your warranty. May I suggest a servicer in your locality to assist in the reassembly of your machine?" * Customer: "$%!# you." I dissolved into fits of laughter. ======= A friend of mine asked me to take a look at her computer. She said the computer was unusually "quiet" and would reboot itself on occasion. I surmised correctly that the fan on her power supply was faulty. She was a chain smoker and apparently smoked a lot while working on the computer; not only was the power supply fan gummed up with revolting tar and nicotine, but the CPU's cooling fan was clogged beyond use, and the cdrom drive drawer would not open. This is the only computer I have ever worked on that died from smoking. In reply to the above anecdote of stupidity, a reader sent in the following: I've seen a computer die from smoking, too. A customer came in with a dead computer, claimed it was under warranty, and asked if we could fix it. We had look at it, and before we even laid eyes on it, we could smell it. Imagine the stench of an overused ashtray times ten. We looked at the yellow case (it was supposed to be beige) and the date of purchase (3-4 months previous) and goggled in disbelief that she actually had any lungs left. "What are you doing with this computer?" I asked in total disbelief. It was at a taxi service. She smoked, the cabbies smoked, and the room was apparently only about eight by twelve. Smoking took place 24/7 in this place, and her fingers and the computer bore witness. We opened the case, and there were visible deposits of brown tar everywhere. The whole thing was gummy and slimy inside. We had to tell her she was on her own. Naturally, she countered with the "it's under warranty" argument, but the computer was well beyond that. She left quite mad. We insisted she take her computer with her when she left. ======= I do PC support for a national waste disposal company. I troubleshooted a PC in Alabama once. The PC gave a disk error when it was turned on. I placed a system disk floppy in the drive and tried to boot off that, but it didn't work. Then, when I removed the disk, it was covered in dirt. I opened the computer and found several inches of caked mud on the inside. I asked the site supervisor about it. He told me there had been a flood, but they had cleaned off the PC. ======= A friend of mine was calling in, complaining that his computer suddenly making very strange noises. knowing that I am a computer tech guy he asked if I could fix it. So I went there, and his computer really did sound strange, and both the disk drive and the cdrom drive appeared to be dead. So I opened the case, unplugged the disk drive and the cdrom, and the strange sound was gone. * Me: "It looks as if your floppy drive is stuck somewhere and can't move its inner head. Did you do anything unusual lately?" * My Friend: "Oh no, I didn't do anything. Do you think it could be related to the rain coming in through the open window last week?" * Me: "It depends. How much water was it?" * My Friend: "Ah, not much. It was that night when the power went out, and I had to replace the fuses." * Me: "What? Not much water but the power went out?" I opened the case and I found both the cdrom drive and the disk drive had turned green and brown with rust. ======= I'm in charge of the computer network in a small mall, which includes a cafe. The cafe had an old 386 desktop machine, handling billing. Originally, the machine was placed on the floor, elevated by a small wooden block, because that floor was washed daily. When I had to service that machine, I discovered the block was missing and the bottom of the machine was rusted, as if it came from the bottom of the ocean. (Surprisingly, it still worked.) ======= I have heard of computers which died from smoking. How about one which died of industrial disease? A lot of years ago, a steelworks wanted to replace the old clunky PDP-11 which ran some of their production software with a little 8-bit micro. We modified the FORTRAN software (ugh!), installed it on a then-new Cifer machine, demonstrated it at our offices, and let the steelworks people take it away and install it. Within a week, they complained that it had completely died. When we went to the site to look at it, we found that it had been installed not in the air-conditioned room where the PDP-11 had lived, but in a walled-off area on the foundry floor where one of its terminals had sat. This area had no roof, was between two large electric-arc furnaces, and was ankle-deep in clinker and rust. The computer was almost too hot to touch. The sponges inside the fan unit were clogged with iron-oxide powder. The machine ran off two 5.25" floppy drives. We extracted the floppy disks with a gritty crunching noise and found them to be covered with the same rust powder and heated to the point where they were distorted at the edges. We didn't dare even try them in another machine to see if we could recover any data. ======= During a college course, we were being showed how to plug all the components of a PC together properly. Getting a little bored, I glanced over at the student next to me fumbling with all his cords and bending all the way over the desk to see the rear of the PC (apparently it was too difficult for him to turn it around). While he was doing so, I turned the brightness knob on his monitor all the way over so that when he finally got the cables plugged in the correct order, nothing was on his screen. I leaned over to "help." I said, "Let me see if this works," and slapped the side of the monitor while inconspicuously turning the brightness knob back up with my other hand. The next time he turned around, I turned the brightness knob back down again and left the room. When I came back, the poor guy was beating that monitor senseless. ======= I was talking to a fellow co-worker on the phone yesterday: * Co-Worker: "My modem isn't working. I think my kid was screwing with my PC." * Me: "What's wrong with it?" * Co-Worker: "It won't dial or connect or anything." * Me: "Maybe the configuration got changed. Is it still hooked up?" * Co-Worker: "No." * Me: "Oh, well, you need to hook it up. Where is it?" * Co-Worker: "It's in the fridge." * Me: "The fridge? Why the heck is it in the fridge?" * Co-Worker: "Well, it started to get really hot, so I put it in there to cool off." ======= A client called Wednesday afternoon. Her computer was dead. All our field techs were booked for the day, so we sent one out first thing Thursday morning. The problem was gone. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. He brought the computer in for service. I ran the computer two days on diagnostics with no problem, and we returned the computer. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. The following Wednesday, we had a tech sit with her all day. At lunchtime, she watered her plants, which, in turned out, she did every Wednesday at lunch. The plant above the computer started leaking. ======= A woman called to report that her CD-ROM was no longer working. After going through the standard troubleshooting procedures, I asked her when this problem started. * Customer: "Oh, right after my toddler stuck some quarters into the [cdrom] drive." * Tech Support: "It sounds to me like the cdrom is broken. You will need to take the computer to a service provider and have them replace the drive. You'll have to pay for it to be fixed." * Customer: "I just bought this computer. It should still be under warranty, shouldn't it?" ======= I went on site for a system that had no display. I tried another video card, but the system seemed really dead. When I asked the user for more details, she said that someone had put a password on the CMOS, and she wanted to get rid of it. She had read in a PC repair book about using a jumper to clear the CMOS, which is true for some systems. But when she opened the case, she found quite a few jumpers on the motherboard. Undeterred, she began rearranging all of the jumpers (with the system turned on). Hard to say which component fried first. Oh well, time to upgrade anyhow. ======= I've worked in a software store for a couple years now. I've had more than person irate that we sold them a Playstation CD that doesn't work on a computer, a computer CD that doesn't work on a Playstation, and even someone who wanted Windows 95 for the Playstation. But none of these compare to this one user: On Friday, a man came in, carefully browsed the store, and purchased a brand new copy of James Bond 007 for the Nintendo 64. I sold him a strategy guide to go with it at a 20% discount and sent him happily on his way. I happened to be working the next day when he stormed back in. He spotted me and came running down the store, vaguely resembling a freight train. "You idiot! This" -- shoving the game in my face -- "doesn't work in my system! I couldn't make it fit at all! And I just brought the system brand new, so it's a bad game, and I WANT MY MONEY BACK BECAUSE YOU'RE SELLING BAD PRODUCTS!!!" Well, it was within our seven day return policy, so I calmly accepted the package and proceeded to open it to make sure it was still in saleable condition. To my great astonishment, it had apparently been neatly trimmed down to around 3 1/2 inches with some sort of saw. "Siiiir..? What happened to this game?" "Nothing! I just cut it to fit in my Compaq! It should work -- I just bought it!" ======= * Customer: "I just bought a Pentium II 300 from you, and I installed it as the manual instructed." * Tech Support: "Let's go over the jumper settings of the board, and make sure all the connections are correct." * Customer: "I know that is installed right. I've done this hundreds of times." * Tech Support: "Ok, take the CPU out of the slot and reinsert it, making sure it snaps into place." * Customer: "The CPU doesn't seem to fit properly. Why don't I just bring this in. You will look at it, right?" * Tech Support: "Sure, no problem." When the customer brought the motherboard and CPU in, I could not keep myself from laughing. He had installed the CPU into an ISA slot. He had actually cut the housing of the Pentium II CPU to make it fit. ======= Hi I just talked to [a PC retailer], and they told me to call you. A water main in our house broke, and 85 gallons of water got dumped on my PC. It's insured, but the insurance company will only cover the parts I can prove are bad. I think it's dry now; can you help me troubleshoot it? ======= A guy calls because he wants to register his Macintosh Performa and needs to know where the serial numbers are on the computer and modem. * For the computer: "It's on the back of the computer." * Response: "Oh, I don't think I can get around to the back of it." * For the modem: "It's on the bottom of the modem." * Response: "I've got the modem attached with a C-clamp so it doesn't fall off." ======= Our tech support had a guy call in about a bad powerbook monitor. It had tire treads on the left side of the screen. He repositioned his windows to the right, and it kind of worked. Apparently, the powerbook was on the hood of his car, fell off, and he backed over it. It still booted, but the tire marks were very visible on the screen. ======= A friend worked for a company that made IC's. Every few months, their yields would go down to about zero. Analysis of the failures showed all sorts of organic material was introduced in the process, but they couldn't figure out where. One evening, someone was working late and came into the lab. There he found the maintainence crew cooking pizza in the chip curing ovens! ======= We sold a new Pentium to a new customer. After only a day or two it was back in the shop. She was complaining about many errors she was getting in Windows: a number of general protection faults, disk read/write errors, etc. We brought the system to our shop, ran some tests...everything checked out fine, so we sent it back. Again a call came in from her, complaining about the same errors. We ran some tests, everything was fine, and we sent the machine back. By the fourth call, we decided there must be something in her office that was causing the problems, so we asked her about microwave ovens, etc. Nothing like that was anywhere near her computer, according to her, so we sent a technician over to take a look. After five minutes on site the system worked fine. The technician removed the two dozen or so refrigerator magnets that she had been decorating her computer with. ======= Recently we were trying to talk one of our customers through an installation of an SBUS card in a Sun SPARCstation 20. About halfway through the install, at a point where we had the top off the machine and had been swapping RAM, moving hard drives, and moving SBUS cards around for a while, one of the people at the remote site commented that "funny things" were happening on her monitor. It was at that point that I realized that she had never turned the computer off. ======= I delivered and setup a PC in an office, gave some small training, and agreed to follow up a week later. When I returned, the monitor was off the top of the PC and a typewriter in its place. The secretary felt the PC made a better typewriter stand than her desk. ======= A customer called complaining that his keyboard no longer worked. The customer had cleaned his keyboard by submerging it for a day in warm soapy water in his bathtub. ======= * Customer: "Is it ok to clean my MAC in the tub as long as the power is off?" ======= I was on a message board, and someone was talking about a 250GB hard drive that he needed to wipe. * Him: "I know how to wipe a hard drive -- although the repair guys said opening the case ended the warranty when I did so." * Me: "Wait...the case of the hard drive??? Or the computer case?" * Him: "The computer case, I think. Anyway, it was probably the soap that broke my computer. Next time I'll just use water and scrub harder with the rag." ======= All these anecdotes make me feel much better -- it's so comforting to know I'm not the only person surrounded by people who seem to lose multiple IQ points when in the presence of a computer. I teach Windows 2000, Novell, and Linux networking at a community college in South Africa, where a large percentage of the students coming through our doors are from rural communities only just receiving electricity, never mind computers and/or Internet access. Some gems I've come across include one very sweet and well mannered farm girl insisting on ending every console command with "please," as she didn't want the computer to think she was rude, a student who managed to bend a PS2 connector out of shape enough to jam it halfway into a USB port using nothing but his teeth, and, my personal favourite, a guy who brought food to class every day and warmed his lunch by opening his computer's case and putting his tinfoil parcel onto the CPU's heatsink. Amazingly it didn't cause damage until the stew he brought on the next to last day leaked out and shorted not just his machine but the entire floor of the building. What frightens me most is that he was genuinely shocked that we were shouting at him about it. ======= * Tech Support: "Can I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, my mouse isn't working. It was working fine yesterday." * Tech Support: "Ok, what is it doing, or not doing?" * Customer: "Well, I have an arrow, but it doesn't move when I move the mouse." * Tech Support: "Have you cleaned it?" * Customer: "Yes, I dropped it into a five gallon bucket of water last night." * Tech Support: "You did what?" * Customer: "I opened the case and dropped it into a five gallon bucket of water and let it soak over night." * Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, I would have to say that is probably your problem." * Customer: "Nah, can't be! That won't hurt 'em as long as you let 'em dry out completely before you try to use 'em again!" * Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, that's not exactly the case..." * Customer: "Listen, that isn't the problem!" * Tech Support: "Ok, well...ma'am, I don't know what else to tell you except--" * Customer: "So you're telling me to buy a new mouse." * Tech Support: "I don't see anything else you can do." * Customer: (click) ======= * Customer: "My computer doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Ok, what happens?" * Customer: "When I turn it on, nothing happens." * Tech Support: "Hmmm. Can you think of anything you might have done to cause it to stop functioning?" * Customer: "Well, I just cleaned it. There was dirt on the fan, and I wiped it off." * Tech Support: "Oh, that shouldn't have hurt anything." * Customer: "Then I opened up the computer and wiped the insides as well. I took it apart and washed everything with Windex." ======= * Tech Support: "I see you've called about ten times this week...is everything ok?" * Customer: Well, I just keep having trouble with this thing. Before, the email wouldn't work. Now the NIC card doesn't work." * Tech Support: "What happened with the NIC?" * Customer: "It wasn't working, so I pulled it out of my computer, and cleaned it off with a toothbrush." * Tech Support: You took the card out of the computer and cleaned it off with a toothbrush?" * Customer: "Is that bad?" ======= Once I was sitting at my desk, and a clerical worker came back and told me that her terminal was putting all sorts of garbage on the screen. I walked back to her desk/office and looked around -- there was a rather large wet spot on the floor, and an empty glass on the desk. I lifted the keyboard off the desk by the cord, and water literally poured out of it. She said, "Oh! Could that be the problem?" ======= I once made the mistake of telling a customer to take his machine to a gas station and have them blow the dust out. I didn't figure on the gas station handing him a 150psi air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. ======= One technician had forgotten to turn the printer off. What happened? He lost his screwdriver, and it fell so awkwardly that it shorted the electrolytics in the power supply. The resulting ccurrent was so high, that it literally "welded" the screwdriver to the connections, so that he afterwards could carry the power supply out of the house just by lifting his screwdriver ======= Last year a guy called and said his cdrom won't work after he installed it. I asked him to bring it in. while testing out the other drives, I noticed it was really slick. * Tech Support: "Did you get it wet?" * Customer: "Wet? No way, that's the WD40 I used to get the drive to slide in easier." ======= Once we had a customer bring his system into our service center. He seemed to know a little about computers but thought he was an expert, so as soon as I started to ask a few basic questions about his hard drive problems, he said, "Look, I know that it's the hard drive thats stick because when I do this it works again." As he spoke, he lifted the back of the tower off the bench by about four inches and dropped it. My jaw dropped by about the same amount, and my supervisor, who was nearby at the time, just stared at the system. I recovered enough to say, "Well, we'll take care of it now, so why don't I just take that over here...." Apparently he had been using this method to get his system going for the past three months, but lately it was not working as well as it used to. Surprise, surprise! ======= Someone called my teacher (who is also a consultant) for a network contract. The guy was complaining of endless timeout errors and slow performance, even though his network was small (25-30 computers) and had decent equipment. So my teacher showed up, and, to his great surprise, found that every cable (10baseT - cat5) had various numbers of knots tied in each end. Not small, loose knots but real tight ones. Some of the cables had over 20 knots in them. The boss explained that the guy who wired the network (who was unreachable) made knots in the cables so he could identify them. The first PC had the cable with one knot at each end; the second PC's cable had two knots at each end, and so on. Not bad for the first PCs, but the cable for the 20th PC, with a total of forty knots in it, wasn't in very good shape. Hadn't this guy ever heard of a marker? Or stickers? ======= I got a call from a woman whose system was displaying hardware errors. She said that this was related to a call they made a month ago. I researched the call she mentioned. Both calls were regarding massive hardware failure, but the error messages were different, and there was nothing else in common. I tried to call her back, but there was no answer. Three hours later, she called me. There were different errors now, and some of the supercomputers weren't working at all. I promised to contact a hardware specialist immediately. * Tech Support: "By the way, why do you think it is related to the other call?" * Customer: "Oh, in both cases, the air conditioning had failed, and the computer room was over 150 degrees." That's the only time I ever let out a bloodcurdling scream in public. And she still refused to turn off the computers! ======= * Customer: "Hello, yes, my system is crushed!" * Tech Support: "Crushed?" * Customer: "Yes, that is what I said, crushed." * Tech Support: "Oh, your system has crashed..." * Customer: "Yes, I cannot do anything, my mouse will not work, and I can't see anything on the screen. I need it fixed now!" * Tech Support: "Ok, I need some history on this problem. What was the last thing you did before the system crashed?" * Customer: "Well, after I stood on the computer to hang a picture, my machine was crushed." * Tech Support: "Oh, so your system has been crushed..." ======= While working as the UNIX support for a major computer distribution company, I had more fun with the people in the warehouse than should be allowed. My pager went off with the message, "Program is down." I called to the warehouse lead, and the following ensued: * Him: "Bay F is not working; come over and fix it." * Me: "Fine, let's go take a look." As we entered the warehouse I saw the problem before we even get to the bay itself. The bay was gone. I don't mean missing, I mean destroyed. The printers were in pieces all over the floor, the table was spread out about twelve feet, and the Wyse terminal was hanging from one of the blades of a fork lift. I looked at the guy incredulously, but he was perfectly straight-faced. He wanted me to fix a bay they ran over with a construction vehicle. ======= * Customer: "Where can I get a BIOS upgrade for by 286 computer?" * Tech Support: "The unit should have been shipped with the latest bios." * Customer: "Well, I upgraded the processor myself, and my computer doesn't seem to work." * Tech Support: "What did you upgrade the processor to?" * Customer: "I upgraded it to a 486DX-50." * Tech Support: "Sir...the 286 chip is soldered on the motherboard!" * Customer: "I know, I took out my handy soldering iron and took it out and put the 486 on myself." * Tech Support: "Sir, the 486 is bigger than the 286." * Customer: "I know, I had to use quite a bit of solder to solder the extra pins together." ======= A couple of years ago I was working at a local regional railroad and was given the job of upgrading all the 486s to newer machines. One of my last upgrades required me to upgrade a machine that was infrequently used at the car shop. Now the car shop is where they repair all rail cars that are not locomotives. This naturally results in a lot of airborne particles (soot, metal shavings, dust, etc) and the contaminants not only covered the work area but also creeped into the office. They combatted this by cleaning the office frequently and mopping the floor nightly. Unfortunately the machine I was to upgrade sat on the floor. For five years. Specifically they had been mopping around the computer for 1825 days. When I arrived to get the machine I discovered I couldn't budge it. A closer examination revealed five years of rust underneath it and five years of floor polish sealing it to the floor. A quick call to my boss confirmed that we could consider the machine "field destroyed" and take whatever steps needed to remove it. Which was just as well, as it took two of us and half a dozen whacks of a sledgehammer to get it free. Out of morbid curiosity, we opened up the case (wasting another 30 minutes) to discover the entire bottom of the case had rusted away, but you couldn't tell because the inch deep accumulation of who knows what covered every square inch of the inside. No one had ever seen fit to blow out the dust bunnies...or dust lions, as they were in this case. Recently, I got a call from someone who turned off his computer whenever he found himself somewhere in Windows he didn't want to be. "I just turn it off when I don't like where I am," he said. Wonder of all wonders, scandisk found a score of lost allocation units and bad sectors. ======= * Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty." * Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble with it?" * Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool." ======= An man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes." "Could that be the problem?" he asked. ======= I once had a customer that wanted a light in her computer, similar to a computer she saw at one of her friend's houses. So she lit a candle and set it inside her tower case. ======= One of my favorite stories is from back in the 90s. A guy bought a 16-bit sound card for his computer, but for whatever reason decided he only needed an 8-bit sound card. Instead of taking it back and exchanging it, he figured all he needed to do was get a pair of scissors and physically cut the sound card in half. ======= My friend from school thought that since the CPU heatsink burned his finger when the computer was on, it must be keeping the CPU too hot to overclock. So he took it off. Wheee! SNAP! Fizzle. Burnt silicon smell. He went on to fail the unit in science class on thermal conductivity. ======= Once when I was brousing through a flea market, I came across an unusually large display of random pieces of junk that were for sale. The guy had a few computer parts lying in bins filled with brown water. His excuse was "The water will help it slip in better." I tried to tell him that the parts were all dead, but he insisted that they were fine and asked me to leave. ======= I run a small computer repair business out of my home. A kid from one of my classes in high school stopped over to see if I could fix his computer. The entire front of the computer was melted, with a huge burn mark where the floppy drive should have been. He said he couldn't find a place for his incense that he was burning so he stuck it in the floppy drive. Then he fell asleep. ======= My most interesting day ever working as a contract support technician back in the mid-90s for a large banking instituion in north Texas began with me riding the express escalator from the lobby up to the third floor, all the while watching the building's highest maintentence IT trouble ticket generator, a 60+ year old beehive-haired executive administrative assistant, dressed in a sparkly green pantsuit and skillfully wielding a clear plastic picnic knife and fork in order to fill a floppy drive with peanut butter "to stop the squeaky noises." I didn't know it at the time, but this was also to be my last day with said large banking institution. Later, as I was getting stitches in the hospital, I was fired by phone call for being "involved in a negative physical altercation with a fellow employee or executive." I was asked to service the laptop of a VIP executive who had a chemical dependency issue in a bad way. He had attempted ot install a NIC into his laptop docking station, which already had a NIC onboard, so of course the addressing conflicted. It appeared that he'd been up all night tweaking the thing and "working on the problem," because the docking station looked beat all to hell. Midway through my third reboot of his docked laptop, he suddenly became very irritated and abusive, and he stabbed me in the spine with a large bowie knife. You read that right. It stuck into one of my spine bones. I still have the scar. Don't ask me why I stupidly turned my back to him. ======= One day a customer called complaining that he just received his computer, but it won't turn on. When he first pushed the power button, the screen flashed and then everything died. I couldn't do much over the phone, so I went to the customer's office. It was plugged in, everything was hooked up ok, but, sure enough, it refused to turn on. I decided to take it back and promised to deliver a new one as soon as possible. But when I went to pick it up, I couldn't. Fearful of thieves, the man had fired some 24 inch bolts straight through the box, through the hard drive, motherboard, everything, locking it to his desk. "Oh," he said, "I thought it was just the TV part that was important. Will my warranty cover this?" ======= A friend of mine had managed to order a new AMD CPU and a motherboard from another friend of ours that owned a computer store that, at the time, did not sell AMD, but was willing to get it in to help out my friend. My friend picked up the gear and brought it around to my place, and we built the system together. Upon finishing it, we ran some test programs on it, and everything was fine. My friend then decided to check out the system properties. Windows XP told him that he had an AMD Athlon 1700+. Now, he knew he had bought a 2.4 gig CPU, and the 1700 was not fast enough, so, while I was out of the room, he went into the BIOS and changed the Front Side Bus to try to get it from 1700+ to 2.4 gig. Within a few moments, the PC died a horrible death. He took the PC back to our friend's store, where it was dismantled. We found that the motherboard was fried and the CPU had small craters in it. The friend that owned the store managed to get a replacement motherboard and CPU. When the replacement gear arrived in the store, the store owner's assistant wrote in huge letter on the motherboard box, "Do Not Change FSB!!!" So, after explaining to the friend, that Windows picks up the AMD as a 1700+ but it is still a 2.4 gig processor, and that the original PC was running optimally, we went back to my place and started installing the replacement gear. Everything was fine, and my friend was happy with the way everything ran but was convinced it still loaded programs quicker when he changed the FSB on the old PC that he fried. But he'd been told not to change the FSB, and so he didn't. He took the PC home. The next weekend he told me he had changed the FSB again and fried another CPU and motherboard. ======= At school, we have iMacs. I was in computer class one day, and this kid's computer froze up. He knew you could use a paper clip to reset it, but he didn't know how, and rather than asking where the reset hole was on the back, he stuck it in the MICROPHONE. ======= A customer called us (a computer shop) and asked what all they needed to bring in with the computer. I told her that was it. Then about 10 minutes later she pulled up with the monitor and the computer still attached to each other. She said she couldn't unscrew the monitor from the computer, so she brought both in. I took a look at it. The built-in video card was hanging on by a thread and sticking out where they tried ripping out the cable without unscrewing it first. She acted surprised when I told her she ruined the motherboard. ======= * Customer: "I need a new modem." * Tech Support: "What's wrong with your current modem?" * Customer: "The Internet light is not on." * Tech Support: "Did you reset your modem recently?" * Customer: "Yes I did, but what does it have to do with it?" * Tech Support: "Well, resetting the modem wipes out your configuration profile, so we just need to reconfigure it." * Customer: "Did you not hear me? The modem is broken, and I demand a replacement now!" * Tech Support: "The modem is not broken. If you are willing to, we can configure it in about 2 minutes." * Customer: "I want a new modem!" * Tech Support: "We can't replace modems over a simple reconfiguration issue. All we have to do--" CRASH. * Customer: "Now it's broke! Replace the thing already!" * Tech Support: "Ok sir, we cannot replace a modem that you destroyed, and your modem is past warranty, so you'll have to buy a new one anyway." * Customer: "!*#$(*@#%!@&#$&*(!@#*$!@*^!@#$@" (Click.) ======= I work in a call center for a large cell phone company that sells PDAs with phone functionality. I got a call from a customer who said her stylus had broken. I offered to transfer her to customer care, where they could order her out a pack of styluses. She said no, the phone had gotten "messed up." I asked what was wrong with it, and she said that when the stylus had broken, she'd tried to superglue it back together, then put it back in the slot before the glue had dried, and it got stuck in the phone. So she tried to take it out with a hammer and chisel. ======= I work for a major computer retailer and heard a page over the intercom for an available salesman at the customer service desk. Most of the salesmen are a little apprehensive when they hear this, because you never know what you are about to get in the middle of. As I approached the desk, I saw a well-dressed cowboy and a desktop tower on the service desk. One of the customer service reps informed me that the computer he bought today was broken, and he needed a replacement. So I agreed and started toward the tower to take it back. The gentleman stopped me and said he just realized he had forgotten to get his CD out. Before I could say anything, he pulled out a pocket knife and went for it. Luckily, we got him to stop before he did any real damage, and I showed him how to hook it up to a power cord and eject it normally. Never thought I would see somebody try to knife a computer. ======= While I was at college (back in the days of Archimedes computers), I often helped to teach new users the ropes while the teacher concentrated elsewhere. This one sweet girl was very new, and I didn't mind that she had no concept of the mouse, the screen, and whatnot -- she soon got good enough that I could leave her to do some task and help someone else. Pretty soon, however, she was tugging on my chair, and when I went to see what was going on, she said, "My bracelet is stuck in there." Eh? It was wedged into the floppy disk slot. Why? Apparently, the bracelet was annoying her when she typed, so she took it off. She found a small slot on the computer with a happy little door on it and just went ahead and shoved it in. Tech support had to rescue it by taking the thing apart. ======= I used to work at a printing site that still used paper tape. One of the tape punches failed, and I'd removed the punch mechanism to look at it. It was a complex mishmash of springs, levers, and all sorts of things. Periodically, paper dust would build up and gum up the works, and we'd have to clean them out. But at this particular time, my boss walked past, saw the problem, and said, "Oh! That needs cleaning!" and before I could say or do anything, he grabbed a spray can of PCb cleaner and sprayed the entire mechanism. Now, this stuff dissolves anything that isn't metal, especially plastic. Sure enough, all the plastic components of the punch mechanism started dissolving. There was a loud ping as one of the springs snapped free of its plastic housing and flew across the workshop. The thing just fell apart. It never went back into service -- there just wasn't enough of it left to repair. ======= I used to work technical support and account services for a cellular phone company. One day an individual working for a construction company called and asked why we disconnected his service. I informed him that his service was fine and that his account was current, at which time I was informed that we had to have shut off his account because he couldn't power his phone on. I began asking the usual questions, beginning with the model phone he was using. This often is a huge key to figuring out what the problem is, and it just so happened that he had the most problematic phone we had released due to its emergency yellow and black colors, looking vaguely like one of those water resistant portable cassette players. We tried plugging it in, switching the battery, but it still wouldn't turn on. I asked him if it had been dropped or damaged before it stopped working. The answer was no. I asked him if it had been exposed to water, and the answer was, "What does that matter? I have your waterproof model!" I was sure I had struck the heart of the issue. It turned out that he was showing it off to his work buddies by throwing the "waterproof" phone into a bucket of water while he was joking around on the phone with the foreman. I informed him that the phone was not actually waterproof, and that he would have to purchase a new phone due to the fact that our insurance policy did not cover damage from intentional misuse. He explained that he heard a rumor that if you dry the phone out and replace the battery, they will sometimes continue working. This is sometimes true, so I asked him if the phone had been thoroughly dried. The answer was yes -- he had put the phone into his clothes dryer with a load of laundry, which we then confirmed as the reason the face plate had broken off. He wanted an insurance replacement for his face plate, and I again informed him that our insurance policy did not cover damage from intentional misuse. ======= When my sister and I were both living in the dorms at college, she would frequently come to me for tech support. * Her: "Hey, can you look at my laptop? It's having a problem." * Me: "Yeah, what's the problem?" * Her: "Every time I try to type a letter, three show up, and none of them are the letter I hit." I went to check it out. Sure enough, the problem occurred exactly as she stated it. As I was trying to think what the cause might be, I looked down and noticed a noodle under the enter key. * Me: "There's a noodle in here. How did that get there?" * Her: "Oh, I spilled soup on my keyboard. Does that make a difference?" ======= We got a tech support call from one of our customers saying that she couldn't get the tape out of the drive following the nightly backup run. After getting nowhere on the phone, we eventually sent someone out to have a look at it. It was one of the old QIC tapes, the ones that have a hefty metal plate down one side that physically prevents you from putting them in the wrong way around. Our fearless customer was not to be deterred, however. When she couldn't push the tape in (because it was the wrong way around), she tried forcing it in, but to no avail. Then she resorted to getting a spoon and using it as a lever to force the tape into the drive. Not surprisingly, it wouldn't come out the following morning. She needed a new tape drive. ======= A customer had bought a computer from us about a year ago and a Voodoo 3 card just yesterday. He took it home and tried to install it but couldn't, so he brought them both in this morning. He ranted and raved, etc. He had reboxed the Voodoo 3, expecting a replacement, so we took the computer and the Voodoo 3 in the back and told him we would fit it for free. When we opened the box for the Voodoo 3, it was in a terrible state. The bit of metal that attaches the card to the case was taken off, and a wee heatsink had been scraped off the chip with a screwdriver. I reglued the sink and reattached the backplate. So we opened the machine, and tried to fit the card. Ack. Card is AGP, computer has exactly zero AGP slots. So we went back to the front. * Me: "Sir, your computer has no AGP slots, and this is an AGP video card." * Customer: "Yeah, but the card fit perfectly into the little white slot." * Me: "Which white slot?" * Guy: "There's five of them -- little white ones. There's a spare one." * Me: "The PCI slot? Uhh...it shouldn't...let me check." Sure enough, if you remove the heatsink and backplate, turn the card around, and really hammer it into the only free PCI slot, it will just fit snugly next to the hard disk. We explained that the AGP card was completely destroyed and he had voided the warranty on it by hacking away at it with a screwdriver. The usual mad customer vs. techie exchange ensued, but he eventually backed down and bought the PCI version instead...and got us to fit it. ======= * Customer: "Can it damage a mouse to be thrown at a wall?" ======= One of our customers bought a scanner with a SCSI card. It wasn't connecting, so she brought it in. It turned out she had pried off one of the blank plates covering an empty ISA slot, then shoved the card through the hole and turned on the system. ======= I was on a tech support call yesterday, and one of our stores had a crashed server with a bad motherboard. They did not want to transfer the hard drives over to the new server we were going to send them, so I said, ok, mail the hard drives to me, and we would put them in the new server. So I got the package this morning, and to my surprise I found...the circuit boards from the hard drives. They took the boards off the hard drives and send them to me. Grinning, I called the store and asked them to send me "the rest" of the hard drives. I have never ever ever heard of this happening. Now how the heck am I going to find out which hard drive goes with which circuit board, and will there be any way to get them working again? ======= Recently, my uncle managed to talk my grandmother into getting herself a computer to replace WebTV, which she had used for two years. Not a day after receiving her computer, she called me to ask for some help setting it up, saying she had done everything right but couldn't get it to work. I asked her if it was turned on -- she said it turned on just fine, but she couldn't see a picture. I asked her to check her monitor connections and make sure they were in tight. * Me: "Are the cords to the monitor plugged in tight?" * Her: "They should be in tight. I glued 'em there." * Me: "You...glued them there?" I decided I'd need to pay her a visit and see the damage for myself. Upon arriving to her house, she led me to the area where she had set her computer up. Immediately, I saw the problem. She was attempting to use her TV set as her monitor. I explained to her that she needed a proper computer monitor before she could do anything. "The man at the store said I could use my TV just like WebTV," she said. "Why should I spend two hundred dollars on another TV just to use the computer??" I looked at the back of the television and, sure enough, over each one of the connectors, she had hot glued one of the computer attachments -- including the modem line and her speaker cord. "He tried to sell me one of those tiny TV things to sit on the computer, but I told him I had a perfectly good 20 inch one at home, and he said it would work fine!" It took a bit of doing to convince her that the salesman had probably thought she had meant she had a 20 inch monitor at home. As I spent the next twenty minutes scraping glue off of the back of her television, she called the store and demanded to know why the salespeople had told her she could use a television with her computer. In the end, I concluded that while the television and monitor cable could probably be saved, she would need a new modem cable and speaker cord. ======= I worked at a photo lab in New Mexico. Part of my job was outputing digital files to a film recorder. Everyone there was friendly, except for one woman who never seemed to like me. After a few months I asked my boss about it. He told me that before I got there, they had tried to train her to do the digital output. They even paid for her to go to a class to learn about computers. She was the only student in the class who managed to get a floppy stuck in the drive upside down and backwards. The teacher had to disassemble the machine to get the disk out. She told him she had to pound it with the heal of her hand to get the disk to go in. After that, the photo lab decided she probably wasn't the one for that position. She always resented the fact that I had 'her' job. ======= My mother was visiting one time when I was online. I remarked to her that the computer was running a little slow today. Her solution? Oil it. You can imagine how I wince every time I think of it. ======= A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) bought a brand new Toshiba laptop computer last year since his "old" one was a model from the year before. He worked in the computer services office on campus here at our university. He decided one night that to impress his co-workers he would make his new laptop more decorative. He bought a can of emerald green Krylon spray paint and sprayed his entire computer (screen, mouse, keyboard, casing, and all) with it. He was shocked to find that his computer wouldn't work afterwards and decided the paint must be at fault. So the next day he bought a can of Goo Gone and a bottle of paint thinner and poured them both on his computer, then rinsed it off in the sink. Again, he was shocked when his computer wouldn't work. He was even more shocked when Circuit City told him they wouldn't refund his money or exchange his computer for a new one. ======= I once had a customer whose cdrom drive wasn't working -- I suspect the reason was old or missing drivers, but the customer had tried to fix the problem himself. He thought the problem was that the CD had to sit tightly in the tray, so she took a paper clip, put it through the center hole of the CD, and fastened it to the drive tray. When he tried to use the drive that way, he was greeted with grinding noises caused by the disintegrating drive mechanism. ======= My mom had some problems with her system and figured she'd get a new modem. After she installed it, there were more problems than before. It turned out the modem was an ISA modem, and she somehow managed to put it into a PCI slot. How, I have no idea. ======= Once I was asked to help a friend with her modem troubles. Apparently (and I don't pretend to understand this) the company she works for has a modem hookup that is so slow that her PC's 56K modem cannot connect to it, so her husband installed the company-supplied Viking external modem. I've long since learned not to question user-logic, so I just check the back of the system to locate the modem and plug the phone line into it. For some reason, the slot the modem is occupying is too small for the phone jack to plug in to. Naturally I take off the cover and take a look. To my utter horror, this PCI modem had been "uninstalled" by being pulled out of the slot -- still screwed in, mind you -- and tilted upward so it rested on the top of the PCI slot. Why? The woman's husband insisted that Windows 98 would crash if you had more than one modem installed. ======= A customer came into the store one day to return an internal modem, which he had purchased a few days earlier. He complained that it would not work. I took the modem out of the package and could scarcely believe my eyes. The card had been filed down to about half its original size. * Tech Support: "Why has this card been filed?" * Customer: "The modem didn't fit in the slot, so I had to file it till it would fit." ======= One day, I had gotten a call from a customer who was having a problem with his internal modem; the system was not detecting it. We went through several diagnoses over the phone, and finally he said something that made me pause. * Me: "Sir, wait a second. Let me see if I just heard you correctly. Did you just say you were inserting and removing the modem while the system was up and running?" * Customer: "Well, yeah, I did it both ways." * Me: "Sir, I recommend that you do NOT do that. You could seriously damage your hardware." * Customer: "Well, that's what I thought Plug and Play meant!" ======= Ten years ago, I was working for a company selling computerized cash registers. A customer called in to help me with a cash register that didn't connect to the back office computer. * Me: "So, can you tell me the settings of the DIP switches on the cash register?" * Customer: "DIP switch?" * Me: "Oh, sorry, the small switches located on the backside." * Customer: "Eeeerrr...there are no switches there." * Me: "Oh, yes, there are. Right next to the power cord." * Customer: "No. There are no switches. Not any more!" * Me: (puzzled) "Huh? Not any more? What do you mean?" * Customer: "Well, you know, my collegue told me that these switches might actually be what caused the problem, so I removed them." * Me: "REMOVED THEM??" * Customer: "Yeah, you know, removed them. With a chisel." ======= I used to be a technician on the U.S.S. Ranger, an aircraft carrier, just before the Gulf War. A new commanding officer had just come on board, and, in preparation for our excursion out to Iraq, he ordered that we go through all our spaces and ensure that everything was secured in place, so that if we hit rough seas, or hit something explosive, there wouldn't be debris flying everywhere. Fairly standard routine. About two days later, the Ranger's marine detachment called my shop and said, "Our computer is broken." So I head down to the detachment office to take a look. These PCs were the old Zenith Z-248 desktop models, secured with four zillion screws and weighing in at what seemed like half a ton. Our marines had taken the order to secure things pretty seriously, because they had done it with two half inch lag bolts. They had drilled straight through the case, the mother board, the bottom of the case, and the desk it was sitting on, to drop the lag bolts in place. They couldn't figure out what was wrong, but they knew that it wasn't going anywhere. ======= Fact: Boston Computer Museum sells chocolate bars shaped like floppy disks. Fact: Three year old kids see daddy boot his computer using a floppy to play games. Fact: Computers are warm inside...even some quite expensive computers. I don't want to talk about it. ======= * Customer: "My Mac has a box on the screen." * Tech Support: "What does it say?" * Customer: "Sorry, a system error occurred. '/Netscape Navigator/Bus Error'. I think that my toddler shoved a toy bus into the computer." ======= A user brought in a rather dirty Sony VAIO system to get a new power supply. The thing was dirty and beat up. He set it on the counter, and the side panel popped right open, and the thing was grubby inside. We saw one little tiny bug scurry out of it, and we killed it. The system was brought in back to the garage, to clean it out. The thing was crawling with bugs -- there were over twenty inside this thing, including cockroaches and others I didn't even recognize. We doused everything with antiseptic and killed as many as we could. Then we popped in the new power supply. Just as we brought it out front, one last roach crawled from underneath the old supply and scurried into the new one, making it his home. When we told the user about the amount of bugs (and charging him a little extra for our trouble), he said, "Well, I'm not surprised. We had this thing out by our kitchen." Egads. ======= About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.) I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she? Not possible. Still, I had to ask. * Me: "Did you shoot...?" * Customer: "Yes, I got a little mad at it. They told me I couldn't hurt it, but I think they were wrong. Can you salvage anything?" I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there. About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither." We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg. ======= * Customer: "About time too. Are you a real person?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir, how can I help you?" * Customer: "I moved some stuff I don't use to the trash and deleted the trash, and now I'm getting all sorts of %&*#ing errors. What are you going to do about it? You've got an accent, haven't you?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir, I'm in Ireland." It became apparent that the customer, in his wisdom, had destroyed the Windows registry and deleted just about everything he needed to run Windows. * Tech Support: "Sir, I believe we will have to reload your system with its original operating system, as you are presently unable to get into your system due to the necessary files being deleted. Unfortunately you will lose anything added since you purchased the system. Shall I walk you through the reload sir?" * Customer: "You mean I paid $2,000 dollars, and I have to reload this myself?" (rants for fifteen minutes, makes death threats and references to being supported by a third world country) "*&@$ing reload! I'll give you a reload!" Bang! Bang! * Tech Support: "Sir, is everything all right?" * Customer: "Sure is. I just blew the $#%&ing thing to bits with my shotgun you *$@%ing &*%$er." * Tech Support: (taking a satisfying long breath) "Sir, I would like to advise you at this point that gunshot damage is not covered under the terms and conditions of your warranty. May I suggest a servicer in your locality to assist in the reassembly of your machine?" * Customer: "$%!# you." I dissolved into fits of laughter. ======= A friend of mine asked me to take a look at her computer. She said the computer was unusually "quiet" and would reboot itself on occasion. I surmised correctly that the fan on her power supply was faulty. She was a chain smoker and apparently smoked a lot while working on the computer; not only was the power supply fan gummed up with revolting tar and nicotine, but the CPU's cooling fan was clogged beyond use, and the cdrom drive drawer would not open. This is the only computer I have ever worked on that died from smoking. In reply to the above anecdote of stupidity, a reader sent in the following: I've seen a computer die from smoking, too. A customer came in with a dead computer, claimed it was under warranty, and asked if we could fix it. We had look at it, and before we even laid eyes on it, we could smell it. Imagine the stench of an overused ashtray times ten. We looked at the yellow case (it was supposed to be beige) and the date of purchase (3-4 months previous) and goggled in disbelief that she actually had any lungs left. "What are you doing with this computer?" I asked in total disbelief. It was at a taxi service. She smoked, the cabbies smoked, and the room was apparently only about eight by twelve. Smoking took place 24/7 in this place, and her fingers and the computer bore witness. We opened the case, and there were visible deposits of brown tar everywhere. The whole thing was gummy and slimy inside. We had to tell her she was on her own. Naturally, she countered with the "it's under warranty" argument, but the computer was well beyond that. She left quite mad. We insisted she take her computer with her when she left. ======= I do PC support for a national waste disposal company. I troubleshooted a PC in Alabama once. The PC gave a disk error when it was turned on. I placed a system disk floppy in the drive and tried to boot off that, but it didn't work. Then, when I removed the disk, it was covered in dirt. I opened the computer and found several inches of caked mud on the inside. I asked the site supervisor about it. He told me there had been a flood, but they had cleaned off the PC. ======= A friend of mine was calling in, complaining that his computer suddenly making very strange noises. knowing that I am a computer tech guy he asked if I could fix it. So I went there, and his computer really did sound strange, and both the disk drive and the cdrom drive appeared to be dead. So I opened the case, unplugged the disk drive and the cdrom, and the strange sound was gone. * Me: "It looks as if your floppy drive is stuck somewhere and can't move its inner head. Did you do anything unusual lately?" * My Friend: "Oh no, I didn't do anything. Do you think it could be related to the rain coming in through the open window last week?" * Me: "It depends. How much water was it?" * My Friend: "Ah, not much. It was that night when the power went out, and I had to replace the fuses." * Me: "What? Not much water but the power went out?" I opened the case and I found both the cdrom drive and the disk drive had turned green and brown with rust. ======= I'm in charge of the computer network in a small mall, which includes a cafe. The cafe had an old 386 desktop machine, handling billing. Originally, the machine was placed on the floor, elevated by a small wooden block, because that floor was washed daily. When I had to service that machine, I discovered the block was missing and the bottom of the machine was rusted, as if it came from the bottom of the ocean. (Surprisingly, it still worked.) ======= I have heard of computers which died from smoking. How about one which died of industrial disease? A lot of years ago, a steelworks wanted to replace the old clunky PDP-11 which ran some of their production software with a little 8-bit micro. We modified the FORTRAN software (ugh!), installed it on a then-new Cifer machine, demonstrated it at our offices, and let the steelworks people take it away and install it. Within a week, they complained that it had completely died. When we went to the site to look at it, we found that it had been installed not in the air-conditioned room where the PDP-11 had lived, but in a walled-off area on the foundry floor where one of its terminals had sat. This area had no roof, was between two large electric-arc furnaces, and was ankle-deep in clinker and rust. The computer was almost too hot to touch. The sponges inside the fan unit were clogged with iron-oxide powder. The machine ran off two 5.25" floppy drives. We extracted the floppy disks with a gritty crunching noise and found them to be covered with the same rust powder and heated to the point where they were distorted at the edges. We didn't dare even try them in another machine to see if we could recover any data. ======= During a college course, we were being showed how to plug all the components of a PC together properly. Getting a little bored, I glanced over at the student next to me fumbling with all his cords and bending all the way over the desk to see the rear of the PC (apparently it was too difficult for him to turn it around). While he was doing so, I turned the brightness knob on his monitor all the way over so that when he finally got the cables plugged in the correct order, nothing was on his screen. I leaned over to "help." I said, "Let me see if this works," and slapped the side of the monitor while inconspicuously turning the brightness knob back up with my other hand. The next time he turned around, I turned the brightness knob back down again and left the room. When I came back, the poor guy was beating that monitor senseless. ======= I was talking to a fellow co-worker on the phone yesterday: * Co-Worker: "My modem isn't working. I think my kid was screwing with my PC." * Me: "What's wrong with it?" * Co-Worker: "It won't dial or connect or anything." * Me: "Maybe the configuration got changed. Is it still hooked up?" * Co-Worker: "No." * Me: "Oh, well, you need to hook it up. Where is it?" * Co-Worker: "It's in the fridge." * Me: "The fridge? Why the heck is it in the fridge?" * Co-Worker: "Well, it started to get really hot, so I put it in there to cool off." ======= A client called Wednesday afternoon. Her computer was dead. All our field techs were booked for the day, so we sent one out first thing Thursday morning. The problem was gone. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. He brought the computer in for service. I ran the computer two days on diagnostics with no problem, and we returned the computer. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. The following Wednesday, we had a tech sit with her all day. At lunchtime, she watered her plants, which, in turned out, she did every Wednesday at lunch. The plant above the computer started leaking. ======= A woman called to report that her CD-ROM was no longer working. After going through the standard troubleshooting procedures, I asked her when this problem started. * Customer: "Oh, right after my toddler stuck some quarters into the [cdrom] drive." * Tech Support: "It sounds to me like the cdrom is broken. You will need to take the computer to a service provider and have them replace the drive. You'll have to pay for it to be fixed." * Customer: "I just bought this computer. It should still be under warranty, shouldn't it?" ======= I went on site for a system that had no display. I tried another video card, but the system seemed really dead. When I asked the user for more details, she said that someone had put a password on the CMOS, and she wanted to get rid of it. She had read in a PC repair book about using a jumper to clear the CMOS, which is true for some systems. But when she opened the case, she found quite a few jumpers on the motherboard. Undeterred, she began rearranging all of the jumpers (with the system turned on). Hard to say which component fried first. Oh well, time to upgrade anyhow. ======= I've worked in a software store for a couple years now. I've had more than person irate that we sold them a Playstation CD that doesn't work on a computer, a computer CD that doesn't work on a Playstation, and even someone who wanted Windows 95 for the Playstation. But none of these compare to this one user: On Friday, a man came in, carefully browsed the store, and purchased a brand new copy of James Bond 007 for the Nintendo 64. I sold him a strategy guide to go with it at a 20% discount and sent him happily on his way. I happened to be working the next day when he stormed back in. He spotted me and came running down the store, vaguely resembling a freight train. "You idiot! This" -- shoving the game in my face -- "doesn't work in my system! I couldn't make it fit at all! And I just brought the system brand new, so it's a bad game, and I WANT MY MONEY BACK BECAUSE YOU'RE SELLING BAD PRODUCTS!!!" Well, it was within our seven day return policy, so I calmly accepted the package and proceeded to open it to make sure it was still in saleable condition. To my great astonishment, it had apparently been neatly trimmed down to around 3 1/2 inches with some sort of saw. "Siiiir..? What happened to this game?" "Nothing! I just cut it to fit in my Compaq! It should work -- I just bought it!" ======= * Customer: "I just bought a Pentium II 300 from you, and I installed it as the manual instructed." * Tech Support: "Let's go over the jumper settings of the board, and make sure all the connections are correct." * Customer: "I know that is installed right. I've done this hundreds of times." * Tech Support: "Ok, take the CPU out of the slot and reinsert it, making sure it snaps into place." * Customer: "The CPU doesn't seem to fit properly. Why don't I just bring this in. You will look at it, right?" * Tech Support: "Sure, no problem." When the customer brought the motherboard and CPU in, I could not keep myself from laughing. He had installed the CPU into an ISA slot. He had actually cut the housing of the Pentium II CPU to make it fit. ======= Hi I just talked to [a PC retailer], and they told me to call you. A water main in our house broke, and 85 gallons of water got dumped on my PC. It's insured, but the insurance company will only cover the parts I can prove are bad. I think it's dry now; can you help me troubleshoot it? ======= A guy calls because he wants to register his Macintosh Performa and needs to know where the serial numbers are on the computer and modem. * For the computer: "It's on the back of the computer." * Response: "Oh, I don't think I can get around to the back of it." * For the modem: "It's on the bottom of the modem." * Response: "I've got the modem attached with a C-clamp so it doesn't fall off." ======= Our tech support had a guy call in about a bad powerbook monitor. It had tire treads on the left side of the screen. He repositioned his windows to the right, and it kind of worked. Apparently, the powerbook was on the hood of his car, fell off, and he backed over it. It still booted, but the tire marks were very visible on the screen. ======= A friend worked for a company that made IC's. Every few months, their yields would go down to about zero. Analysis of the failures showed all sorts of organic material was introduced in the process, but they couldn't figure out where. One evening, someone was working late and came into the lab. There he found the maintainence crew cooking pizza in the chip curing ovens! ======= We sold a new Pentium to a new customer. After only a day or two it was back in the shop. She was complaining about many errors she was getting in Windows: a number of general protection faults, disk read/write errors, etc. We brought the system to our shop, ran some tests...everything checked out fine, so we sent it back. Again a call came in from her, complaining about the same errors. We ran some tests, everything was fine, and we sent the machine back. By the fourth call, we decided there must be something in her office that was causing the problems, so we asked her about microwave ovens, etc. Nothing like that was anywhere near her computer, according to her, so we sent a technician over to take a look. After five minutes on site the system worked fine. The technician removed the two dozen or so refrigerator magnets that she had been decorating her computer with. ======= Recently we were trying to talk one of our customers through an installation of an SBUS card in a Sun SPARCstation 20. About halfway through the install, at a point where we had the top off the machine and had been swapping RAM, moving hard drives, and moving SBUS cards around for a while, one of the people at the remote site commented that "funny things" were happening on her monitor. It was at that point that I realized that she had never turned the computer off. ======= I delivered and setup a PC in an office, gave some small training, and agreed to follow up a week later. When I returned, the monitor was off the top of the PC and a typewriter in its place. The secretary felt the PC made a better typewriter stand than her desk. ======= A customer called complaining that his keyboard no longer worked. The customer had cleaned his keyboard by submerging it for a day in warm soapy water in his bathtub. ======= * Customer: "Is it ok to clean my MAC in the tub as long as the power is off?" ======= I was on a message board, and someone was talking about a 250GB hard drive that he needed to wipe. * Him: "I know how to wipe a hard drive -- although the repair guys said opening the case ended the warranty when I did so." * Me: "Wait...the case of the hard drive??? Or the computer case?" * Him: "The computer case, I think. Anyway, it was probably the soap that broke my computer. Next time I'll just use water and scrub harder with the rag." ======= All these anecdotes make me feel much better -- it's so comforting to know I'm not the only person surrounded by people who seem to lose multiple IQ points when in the presence of a computer. I teach Windows 2000, Novell, and Linux networking at a community college in South Africa, where a large percentage of the students coming through our doors are from rural communities only just receiving electricity, never mind computers and/or Internet access. Some gems I've come across include one very sweet and well mannered farm girl insisting on ending every console command with "please," as she didn't want the computer to think she was rude, a student who managed to bend a PS2 connector out of shape enough to jam it halfway into a USB port using nothing but his teeth, and, my personal favourite, a guy who brought food to class every day and warmed his lunch by opening his computer's case and putting his tinfoil parcel onto the CPU's heatsink. Amazingly it didn't cause damage until the stew he brought on the next to last day leaked out and shorted not just his machine but the entire floor of the building. What frightens me most is that he was genuinely shocked that we were shouting at him about it. ======= * Tech Support: "Can I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, my mouse isn't working. It was working fine yesterday." * Tech Support: "Ok, what is it doing, or not doing?" * Customer: "Well, I have an arrow, but it doesn't move when I move the mouse." * Tech Support: "Have you cleaned it?" * Customer: "Yes, I dropped it into a five gallon bucket of water last night." * Tech Support: "You did what?" * Customer: "I opened the case and dropped it into a five gallon bucket of water and let it soak over night." * Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, I would have to say that is probably your problem." * Customer: "Nah, can't be! That won't hurt 'em as long as you let 'em dry out completely before you try to use 'em again!" * Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, that's not exactly the case..." * Customer: "Listen, that isn't the problem!" * Tech Support: "Ok, well...ma'am, I don't know what else to tell you except--" * Customer: "So you're telling me to buy a new mouse." * Tech Support: "I don't see anything else you can do." * Customer: (click) ======= * Customer: "My computer doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Ok, what happens?" * Customer: "When I turn it on, nothing happens." * Tech Support: "Hmmm. Can you think of anything you might have done to cause it to stop functioning?" * Customer: "Well, I just cleaned it. There was dirt on the fan, and I wiped it off." * Tech Support: "Oh, that shouldn't have hurt anything." * Customer: "Then I opened up the computer and wiped the insides as well. I took it apart and washed everything with Windex." ======= * Tech Support: "I see you've called about ten times this week...is everything ok?" * Customer: Well, I just keep having trouble with this thing. Before, the email wouldn't work. Now the NIC card doesn't work." * Tech Support: "What happened with the NIC?" * Customer: "It wasn't working, so I pulled it out of my computer, and cleaned it off with a toothbrush." * Tech Support: You took the card out of the computer and cleaned it off with a toothbrush?" * Customer: "Is that bad?" ======= Once I was sitting at my desk, and a clerical worker came back and told me that her terminal was putting all sorts of garbage on the screen. I walked back to her desk/office and looked around -- there was a rather large wet spot on the floor, and an empty glass on the desk. I lifted the keyboard off the desk by the cord, and water literally poured out of it. She said, "Oh! Could that be the problem?" ======= I once made the mistake of telling a customer to take his machine to a gas station and have them blow the dust out. I didn't figure on the gas station handing him a 150psi air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. ======= One technician had forgotten to turn the printer off. What happened? He lost his screwdriver, and it fell so awkwardly that it shorted the electrolytics in the power supply. The resulting ccurrent was so high, that it literally "welded" the screwdriver to the connections, so that he afterwards could carry the power supply out of the house just by lifting his screwdriver ======= Last year a guy called and said his cdrom won't work after he installed it. I asked him to bring it in. while testing out the other drives, I noticed it was really slick. * Tech Support: "Did you get it wet?" * Customer: "Wet? No way, that's the WD40 I used to get the drive to slide in easier." ======= Once we had a customer bring his system into our service center. He seemed to know a little about computers but thought he was an expert, so as soon as I started to ask a few basic questions about his hard drive problems, he said, "Look, I know that it's the hard drive thats stick because when I do this it works again." As he spoke, he lifted the back of the tower off the bench by about four inches and dropped it. My jaw dropped by about the same amount, and my supervisor, who was nearby at the time, just stared at the system. I recovered enough to say, "Well, we'll take care of it now, so why don't I just take that over here...." Apparently he had been using this method to get his system going for the past three months, but lately it was not working as well as it used to. Surprise, surprise! ======= Someone called my teacher (who is also a consultant) for a network contract. The guy was complaining of endless timeout errors and slow performance, even though his network was small (25-30 computers) and had decent equipment. So my teacher showed up, and, to his great surprise, found that every cable (10baseT - cat5) had various numbers of knots tied in each end. Not small, loose knots but real tight ones. Some of the cables had over 20 knots in them. The boss explained that the guy who wired the network (who was unreachable) made knots in the cables so he could identify them. The first PC had the cable with one knot at each end; the second PC's cable had two knots at each end, and so on. Not bad for the first PCs, but the cable for the 20th PC, with a total of forty knots in it, wasn't in very good shape. Hadn't this guy ever heard of a marker? Or stickers? ======= I got a call from a woman whose system was displaying hardware errors. She said that this was related to a call they made a month ago. I researched the call she mentioned. Both calls were regarding massive hardware failure, but the error messages were different, and there was nothing else in common. I tried to call her back, but there was no answer. Three hours later, she called me. There were different errors now, and some of the supercomputers weren't working at all. I promised to contact a hardware specialist immediately. * Tech Support: "By the way, why do you think it is related to the other call?" * Customer: "Oh, in both cases, the air conditioning had failed, and the computer room was over 150 degrees." That's the only time I ever let out a bloodcurdling scream in public. And she still refused to turn off the computers! ======= * Customer: "Hello, yes, my system is crushed!" * Tech Support: "Crushed?" * Customer: "Yes, that is what I said, crushed." * Tech Support: "Oh, your system has crashed..." * Customer: "Yes, I cannot do anything, my mouse will not work, and I can't see anything on the screen. I need it fixed now!" * Tech Support: "Ok, I need some history on this problem. What was the last thing you did before the system crashed?" * Customer: "Well, after I stood on the computer to hang a picture, my machine was crushed." * Tech Support: "Oh, so your system has been crushed..." ======= While working as the UNIX support for a major computer distribution company, I had more fun with the people in the warehouse than should be allowed. My pager went off with the message, "Program is down." I called to the warehouse lead, and the following ensued: * Him: "Bay F is not working; come over and fix it." * Me: "Fine, let's go take a look." As we entered the warehouse I saw the problem before we even get to the bay itself. The bay was gone. I don't mean missing, I mean destroyed. The printers were in pieces all over the floor, the table was spread out about twelve feet, and the Wyse terminal was hanging from one of the blades of a fork lift. I looked at the guy incredulously, but he was perfectly straight-faced. He wanted me to fix a bay they ran over with a construction vehicle. ======= * Customer: "Where can I get a BIOS upgrade for by 286 computer?" * Tech Support: "The unit should have been shipped with the latest bios." * Customer: "Well, I upgraded the processor myself, and my computer doesn't seem to work." * Tech Support: "What did you upgrade the processor to?" * Customer: "I upgraded it to a 486DX-50." * Tech Support: "Sir...the 286 chip is soldered on the motherboard!" * Customer: "I know, I took out my handy soldering iron and took it out and put the 486 on myself." * Tech Support: "Sir, the 486 is bigger than the 286." * Customer: "I know, I had to use quite a bit of solder to solder the extra pins together." ======= A couple of years ago I was working at a local regional railroad and was given the job of upgrading all the 486s to newer machines. One of my last upgrades required me to upgrade a machine that was infrequently used at the car shop. Now the car shop is where they repair all rail cars that are not locomotives. This naturally results in a lot of airborne particles (soot, metal shavings, dust, etc) and the contaminants not only covered the work area but also creeped into the office. They combatted this by cleaning the office frequently and mopping the floor nightly. Unfortunately the machine I was to upgrade sat on the floor. For five years. Specifically they had been mopping around the computer for 1825 days. When I arrived to get the machine I discovered I couldn't budge it. A closer examination revealed five years of rust underneath it and five years of floor polish sealing it to the floor. A quick call to my boss confirmed that we could consider the machine "field destroyed" and take whatever steps needed to remove it. Which was just as well, as it took two of us and half a dozen whacks of a sledgehammer to get it free. Out of morbid curiosity, we opened up the case (wasting another 30 minutes) to discover the entire bottom of the case had rusted away, but you couldn't tell because the inch deep accumulation of who knows what covered every square inch of the inside. No one had ever seen fit to blow out the dust bunnies...or dust lions, as they were in this case. * Customer: "The printer has been acting up. Could that be the cause of our backups failing?" ======= * Customer: "What do you mean, other tape? When it said second volume, I just hit enter again." ======= * Tech Support: "Have you made backups of your software and data?" * Customer: "I didn't know it had a reverse." ======= * Customer: "I've just done a new Word document, saved it, then accidentally deleted it. Is there anything you can do to get it back?" * Tech Support: "Sorry, no, the backup isn't run until night time." * Customer: "Ohh, can we restore it tomorrow, then?" ======= * Customer: "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape backup. Can you help me restore the system?" No problem. When I arrive, I find out that the last time she had run a backup was 18 months ago. Worse, she hadn't done it correctly: * Customer: "I thought you just shoved in the tape, and it sucked up the data." ======= A user called who had lost a document. Thinking at first that we could restore it from a backup tape, my colleague started asking some standard questions. * Me: "Okay, when did you lose the document?" * User: "I don't know. I wrote it about a year or so ago." * Me: "When did you write it?" * User: "I don't know." * Me: "Was the document deleted?" * User: "I don't think so. It's on the server somewhere." * Me: "Which network drive did you save it to?" * User: "I don't know." * Me: "Well, what is the name of the document?" * User: "I don't know. It was too long ago!" * Me: "Can you tell me what client it referred to?" * User: "No." * Me: "Ummm, well, there are several hundred thousand documents on the servers, so unless we have some more information about the document, it's going to be tough to find." * User: "But, can't you just restore it from the backup? I really need this document!" * Me: "What kind of document was it?" * User: "It was a fax, and I don't want to have to type it again!" This is what scares me: the user had likely wasted more time on the phone call than she would have needed to type up the fax anew -- as it turned out, it wasn't more than two or three pages. ======= A customer called our technical support and explained that his system had crashed and for some reason the restored backup did not work as expected. After we had spent a few days of investigating his collection of backup tapes we were convinced that he had a good one year record of backups from the wrong directory. ======= In the late 1980s in Finland, my mother was a system administrator for a company. In those times hard drives were small, and backups were made with PC Tools (version 4 or 5 at the time) which could be done using less than ten 3 1/2" disks for all the most important directories. One day my mother asked the president of the company if he had done his monthly backup of his computer data. He said he had, and he'd even been able to improve the backup process. He had discovered he didn't have to change disks if he just answered 'yes' to all the "Is it ok to overwrite this floppy disk?" prompts. He was overwriting backup disk #1 with the data for backup disk #2, then overwriting that with the data for backup disk #3, and so on. My mother was still laughing when she called to tell me the story. ======= * Customer: "I have MS Office, but whenever I try to make a backup of the disks, my machine says it's not able to. Can you give me Microsoft's telephone number so I can call them and complain?" * Tech Support: (grinning ecstatically) "OF COURSE I CAN!!!!!!" ======= * Customer: "I lost some of my files. I archived them, but when I went to retrieve them, they were gone!" * Tech Support: "What program did you use to archive your files?" * Customer: "I used DOS -- but now I can't find them!" * Tech Support: "Ok, what program are you using to do this?" * Customer: "I used 'undelete', but they aren't there." * Tech Support: "Uh...what command did you use to archive your files?" * Customer: "I used 'del' and the filename." It turned out that the guy had been deleting files, which would free up disk space (he liked that), and when he wanted a file again, he would undelete it. Apparently he actually got away with this for a while, until he discovered 'defrag', which overwrote his deleted files. ======= * Tech Support: "Do you have a valid backup?" * Customer: "Yes, of course." * Tech Support: "When you came this morning, was anything printed out on the printer?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "And what did it say?" * Customer: "Just like it says every day" * Tech Support: "Would you mind reading that off to me?" * Customer: "Error XX: Backup Operation Failed." ======= We have a customer with tons of data produced every day. They insisted on backing up the stuff themselves, though they had a maintenance contract with our company. Anyway, one of their administrators put a DAT tape into the drive every night and removed it the next morning, labelled it, and stored it in a closet. One day the disk crashed. They called us because they couldn't restore the data from tape for some reason. It turned out that although they did put a tape in every night, remove it every morning, label it, and store it, what they forgot to do was run the backup script. They had a year's supply of backup tapes, neatly dated, and all of them empty. ======= A friend at work had to visit a police station to work on a Clipper database recording parking fines. Before he started work he made sure to check that the staff had a backup of the database in case anything went wrong. "Oh yes, every evening we back it up onto a floppy disk and take it over to the other building and lock it in a fire-proof safe." "Very good," said my colleague, impressed at their security-consciousness -- if only all our customers could be so efficient! But then something they'd said made him pause. "Wait a minute - did you say a floppy disk? You mean you back up the whole database onto a single diskette?" "Yes, that's right. Just one." "But this diskette can only hold 1.44 Mb of data -- you've got over ten megabytes in this system. What exactly do you do to make the backup?" So they showed him. Every day they'd religiously inserted a fresh diskette into the drive, typed "FORMAT A:", and, "backup complete," they deposited the newly formatted, but quite empty, diskette in the safe. Before starting his work, my friend showed them how to really make a backup, which was fortunate for my friend, if not for the local parking offenders, as a week later the PC in question suffered a complete hard-drive failure. * Tech Support: "Sir, Click Start, then Run, and type the letters C, M, and D." * Customer: "Wait a minute, don't run off the end of the earth away from me now. I can only go so fast with this thing." * Tech Support: "Sorry, sir. Did you click Start?" * Customer: "Where is that start button? Oh, here is is. Now what?" * Tech Support: "Um, did you click it?" * Customer: "Dammit, no, do that now?" * Tech Support: "Yes, then click on the word Run." * Customer: "Dammit, slow down!!! Run, run, run, where the hell is run?" * Tech Support: "Should be a the very bottom of the Start Menu that came up on the screen." * Customer: "I already clicked Start. Click it again?" * Tech Support: "No, it should be there in the lower left corner." * Customer: "Hey, I found the word Run. You want that instead?" * Tech Support: "Sure, why not? We'll see if that works. Did you click it?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Ok, type the letters C, M, and then D." * Customer: "Slow down, dammit!! I'm not a programmer!!! I told you I'm only a car dealer!!" * Tech Support: "Sorry, again, sir, what do you have there?" * Customer: "Z." * Tech Support: "No, we need 'C' like 'Charlie.'" * Customer: "C-H-A-R--" * Tech Support: "Not the whole word 'Charlie,' sir, just the 'C,' please." * Customer: "If you don't want a Charlie, why tell me to type it?" * Tech Support: "Um, what's in the box now?" * Customer: "I'm trying to find the eraser here." * Tech Support: "Just hit the backspace key." * Customer: "That just moves it further to the right without typing anything." * Tech Support: "Which backspace key did you press?" * Customer: "The long one in the middle. I pressed it on the back side." Eventually, we "found" the correct backspace key and got that Z replaced with a C. * Tech Support: "Now that we just have a 'C' there, type an 'M,' like 'Mary,' but just the 'M,' ok?" * Customer: "M-O-K." * Tech Support: "Remember that backspace key?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Press it twice." * Customer: "All right, but it took off the 'O' and 'K' you wanted." * Tech Support: "Never mind that, I'll live. Now type a 'D,' just the letter D." * Customer: "D. Now what?" * Tech Support: "Now press the enter key." * Customer: "E-N-T-E-R." * Tech Support: "Is there anyone else around the lot that is maybe a little more familiar with computers than you are?" * Customer: "Well, my wife uses one at her work and might be a little more familiar. She comes in in an hour. You want to talk to her?" * Tech Support: "Yes, please." ======= * Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?" * Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?" * Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square." * Tech Support: "Anything else?" * Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge." * Tech Support: "Disks?" * Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with them?" I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already. * Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive." * Customer: "What's a drive?" * Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk." * Customer: "Which machine?" * Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?" * Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it." * Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first." * Customer: "Ok. It's gone in." * Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'." * Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?" * Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it." * Customer: "Ok. Done." * Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'." * Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?" ======= * Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?" * Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem." * Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?" * Customer: "Oh. Ok." * Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?" * Customer: "The mouse?" ======= One time I got really frustrated with a caller who had claimed that "the Internet had changed the color to black." Eventually I worked out that her computer had switched off. * Me: "For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?" * Her: "But I don't have the file!" * Me: "What file!?" * Her: "You know, the file." * Me: "Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?" * Her: "Don't you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!" * Me: "Just press the button even if the file still hasn't 'downloaded' yet." * Her: "Ok. Well, nothing's happ-- oh, it's got some gibberish written over it now. It's blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!" * Me: "Yes, that's what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I'm happy the problem's fixed. Bye!" * Her: "But--" Click. ======= * Customer: "Right! I demand satisfaction!" * Tech Support: "I see. Well, I'm here to try and help you. What kind of problem are you having?" * Customer: "It's not my problem! The 'commuter' I bought six weeks ago just won't work! I can't do a damned thing with it!" * Tech Support: "I see. Do you mean it won't even switch on, or is it something else?" * Customer: "Don't try to sandbag me! I know my rights!" * Tech Support: "Sir, could you explain the problem you are having so I can better help you with it?" * Customer: "I've called them all, AOL, Nildram, Tiscali, and none of them are any good." * Tech Support: "Ok, so are you saying that you're having problems getting on-line?" * Customer: "Look, it doesn't work! I want satisfaction!" * Tech Support: "Ok, well I need to ask you some questions to help you with the problem." * Customer: "Fine, but I doubt you're going to fix it." * Tech Support: "Is your modem installed and plugged into the phone line?" * Customer: "How would I know if it's plugged in?" * Tech Support: (describes how the back of the machine looks and where the modem is) * Customer: "Yes, that's just how mine looks, and it doesn't work, so just accept that it's broken!" * Tech Support: "Which cable did you connect the modem to the phone line with, sir?" * Customer: "I have to wire the stupid thing in?" ======= I used to work for the computer helpdesk for a police force in northwest England, and it was there that I became infected with "Typistophobia," as a result of a typist from a particular police station who suffered from a lack of any of the social graces. She would regularly ring us with real or imagined problems, all of which were, of course, the computer's fault. My first experience with this lady was as follows: * Customer: "Me machine's broke." * Me: "Ok, what wrong with it?" * Customer: "I've just tole yer -- IT'S BROKE!" * Me: "Ok, so what's it doing wrong?" * Customer: "Nothing." ... * Me: "Is there anything on the screen?" * Customer: "Yeh, garbage." * Me: "What sort of garbage?" * Customer: "I've tole yer -- garbage." ... * Me: "Can you read out the garbage to me?" * Customer: "P-L-E-A-S-E P-R-E-S-S E-N-T-E ...... !" (click) ======= Gateway color codes their connectors as well as their ports. Yet: * Customer: "I'm looking at the back of the system, and I don't know where to plug in the mouse. There are two holes that are the same size as the mouse." * Tech Support: "Ok, what color is the tip of the mouse plug?" * Customer: "Orange." * Tech Support: "Do you see the orange 'hole' on the back of the computer?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "That is where the mouse plugs into." * Customer: "Oh. How about the keyboard?" * Tech Support: "What color is the plug on the keyboard?" * Customer: "Purple." * Tech Support: "And do you see the purple 'hole' on the back of the computer?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "That is where the keyboard plugs in. The tips are color coded." * Customer: "I see. How about the speakers?" ======= I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever. * Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'." * Customer: "Click 'OK'?" * Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'." * Customer: "Click 'OK'?" * Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'." * Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?" * Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'." Pause. * Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'." * Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???" * Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?" * Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'." * Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'." * Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'." * Customer: "Oh." * Tech Support: "Now we have to start over." * Customer: "Why?" * Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'." * Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?" * Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top." * Customer: "Ok." I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer. * Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'." Pause. * Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'." And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE." ======= * Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?" * Customer: "I can't get it to do." * Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?" * Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do." * Tech Support: "Let's check your setup." * Customer: "Okey dokey." * Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon." * Customer: "I don't see that one." * Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?" * Customer: "Wood." * Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?" * Customer: "A bunch of names." * Tech Support: "Like what?" * Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim." * Tech Support: "What screen are you on?" * Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family." * Tech Support: "Great, thank you." * April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?" * Tech Support: "Mike." * April: "Mike. Cool, dude." * Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?" * April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense." * Tech Support: "No problem." * April: "How old are you?" * Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?" * April: "Sorry, I don't see that one." * Tech Support: "What do you see?" * April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim." * Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?" * April: "Ninety-something I guess." * Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot." * April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done." * Tech Support: "What does your screen say? * April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper." * Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens." * April: "What is this?" * Tech Support: "What did it do?" * April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc." * Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?" * April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?" ======= My company develops an online education product for which we provide email and phone support. A large amount of our users are first-year college students, many of which have little or no computer experience. Our product requires that you use IE or Netscape and is not compatible with AOL's browser. This often causes some problems with our users as many of them subscribe to AOL. This phone call had me laughing for a good half hour and most of the other support staff in tears. * Tech Support: "Good evening, how can I help you?" * Customer: "Uhh, yeah, I'm tryin' t' use this here program t' take a course online, and it ain't workin'." * Tech Support: "All right, what kind of computer do you have? I want to make sure it's ok to run our software." * Customer: "Uhh, well, it's my dad's computer, and I don't know what it is. It jus' says COMPAQ on the front." * Tech Support: "Ok, and you can connect to the Internet, right?" * Customer: "Yup, that's not the problem though. I can't take muh course." * Tech Support: "All right, what browser and version do you use?" * Customer: "Whut's a browser?" * Tech Support: "It's the program you use to see things on the Internet. Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?" * Customer: "Uh, I dunno." (agitated) "I don't know much 'bout this computer stuff. The school just said I hafta do sum' muh courses on it." * Tech Support: "Ok, well, when you connect to the Internet and see information, is there a fancy 'N' in a box on the upper right hand corner of the screen, or is it a blue 'e' with a stripe across it?" * Customer: "Uh, I don't see none of that." * Tech Support: "Ok sir, do you know if you use America Online to get on the Internet?" * Customer: "Uh, no, ah use AOL." ======= One thing that really got to me before I was removed from phone support for sanity reasons, was customers who wouldn't read instructions, no matter how conspicuous you made them. You could print directions on red paper and paste it on the software itself with 300 point type saying, "IMPORTANT: READ THIS!" and people would still not read it. We packaged our software with a piece of paper with "SOFTWARE INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS" printed on the top, and one day a customer called me to ask how to install the software. * Me: "Sir, do you have the original packaging?" * Customer: "Yeah, it's here." * Me: "Can you find a piece of paper that says, 'Software Installation Instructions'?" * Customer: "Yup, here it is." * Me: "So, what did you do so far?" * Customer: "Well I booted from the disk and followed the prompts until it rebooted." * Me: "Ok, so I'm looking at these instructions too, and it looks like you've gotten through steps 1-5, but there are still four more steps on the installation sheet." * Customer: "Ok, so what do I do next?" * Me: "Sir, do you see the number 6?" * Customer: "Yup." * Me: "What does it say?" * Customer: "It says to reinsert the disk and click on [filename]." * Me: "Ok, so I'd go ahead and do that." * Customer: "Ok, so now what, do I click on 'OK'?" * Me: "Sir, in step 6, does it then say to click on 'OK'!?" * Customer: "Yup." * Me: "Then I'd go ahead and do that." * Customer: "Ok...so, what do I do next?" * Me: "Sir, do you see the number 7!?!?!?" ======= I worked for a company that provided billing and office management software to physicians' offices. Most of our users had dumb terminals with dial-up or dedicated lines that connected them to a stack of Unix systems at our facility. One day, we received a call transferred from the front-line help desk. The user was saying her enter key wasn't working. My co-worker and I were the support techs for the organization. We took the call and found that when the user hit the enter key, the information wasn't accepted, and the cursor simply moved one column to the right. Now, the terminal hardware in the offices was rather old and prone to bizarre failure behavior. Keyboards and logic controllers would die in very odd ways. We went through our hardware troubleshooting procedures. We confirmed that it was just this one key that was malfunctioning, and that the problem persisted when the keyboard was swapped out with another. We tried checking keyboard mapping settings in the terminal and in the software she was using, but nothing worked. Finally we monitored the serial data stream by hooking another terminal up to the inbound port on the multiplexer and placing it into "dump" mode. As the user hit the troubled enter key, we saw a continuous line of hex 0x20's -- the ASCII space character. At this point we were resolved to having to replace the whole terminal. As we had no spares and were waiting on a shipment, we couldn't do it for at least three days. The user expressed concern at being without a functional terminal for that period. We asked her to use the second enter key until we could fix the problem permanently. The following dialog ensued: * Her: "What second enter key?" * Me: "Over on the right hand side of the keyboard, there's a number pad. There should be an enter key over there that you can use." * Her: "Which one?" * Me: "It should say 'Enter' or have a crooked arrow pointing to the left, depending on the keyboard model. It should look identical to the broken enter key." * Her: "There's no key over there that looks the same." * Me: "Well, what does the broken key say on it?" * Her: "It doesn't say anything." * Me: "What does the broken enter key look like, exactly?" * Her: "It's big and long, and it doesn't have anything on it." * Me: "... And it's the one at the bottom of the keyboard?" * Her: "Yes, that's it!" * Me: "And you say that every time you hit it, it just puts a space on the screen?" * Her: "Yeah!" * Me: "That's because you're hitting the space bar." We heard a swift intake of breath, and then the user hung up. Somehow, one day after years of working on the same software, with the same terminal, performing the same procedure, she decided that the space bar was the enter key. We stared at each other for about five minutes after she hung up, utterly disbelieving that we didn't even think about checking to make sure the user was hitting the right key and even more disbelieving that in the nearly 45 minutes she was on the phone, it never occurred to her that the key marked 'enter' might be the one she wanted. ======= * Co-Worker: "I have a customer here who say's he cannot access a specific record and gets kicked out of the program." * Me: "Ask him if he had any network problems lately." * Co-Worker: "I already asked the usual questions, but nothing works." During this conversation I found all the symptoms pointed to a server crash. But my co-worker assured me that they have had no server problems whatsoever. So I asked him to ask the customer to send a copy of the database for further examination. Surely all the tell tale symptoms of a server crash would be there, and I joined my co-worker at his desk for the remainder of the conversation. * Co-Worker: "Sir, we believe you had a server crash that resulted in the database getting corrupted. We'll need the working database to correct the problem." * Customer: "We didn't have a server crash. It must be a fault in your program. I want a patch to fix this problem." * Co-Worker: "The program is running fine, but we have a strong indication that you did have a problem with your server, and we'll need your database to repair this problem." * Customer: "Look, we did not have a server problem." * Co-Worker: "Sir, we know that you had a server crash. And to avoid further problems we have to repair your database as soon as possible." * Customer: "What is wrong with you people? I told you, WE DID NOT HAVE A SERVER CRASH. I want a patch for the program." * Co-Worker: (reading from the database log file) "On [date] at [time], [customer] -- that is your login name, right? -- booted up. And halfway through the login procedure the the system stopped logging. Now--" * Customer: "I KNOW THAT! That's why I'm complaining. Your software did this." * Co-Worker: "Sir, we have no indication that the program wrote any faulty data to the database. Are you sure you have had no problems with the server? Anything suspicious? Even trivial thoughts?" * Customer: "No, nothing.........ehm......I don't think it is relevant but......someone turned the server switch off by mistake this morning, but he turned it back on really quickly so that can't have been the problem.... Right...?" ======= A gentleman with a western accent called up saying that he was not satisfied with our service and wished to cancel. After telling him that he would need to call back during business hours and speak with customer service, I asked if there was anything I could do to make the service more satisfactory. * Customer: "Well, I've had ya guys for months now, and still I can't get connected." * Tech Support: "Have you called us about this before?" * Customer: "Well, yes, a couple of times." So I got his username and looked him up. Sure enough, there were two tech logs under his name, so I read them briefly. Virtually everything that could be checked had been checked. Something about the way he was talking to me made me a little curious, so I continued to ask questions. * Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs have helped you double-check your settings and everything should be perfectly fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet Explorer to connect?" * Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get online, I click this here." * Tech Support: "Can you be a little more specific?" * Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click." * Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are on your desktop?" * Customer: "I ain't got no icons." * Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at all?" * Customer: "Nope." * Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something on your desktop that says, 'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?" * Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like that on my desktop." * Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's on your desktop, then?" * Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the computer, and my coffee." * Tech Support: "Um, all right...can you tell me what you see on the TV part of your computer?" * Customer: "On one side there's a buncha pictures, and across the top there's words." * Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped you would say. The little pictures are called 'icons,' and the whole screen area that the little pictures are on is called the 'desktop.'" * Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I ain't the religious type, so don't keep no Marys or nothin' around." * Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the desktop, do you see anything that says 'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet service]'?" * Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what I click on when I try to connect." * Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?" * Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds of annoying sounds, then pops up a little thing sayin' I'm connected." * Tech Support: "Go--" * Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies." * Tech Support: "It what?" * Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm connected. It ain't talkin' the truth." * Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say that?" * Customer: "Well, because after that nothin' happens. Nothin' at all." * Tech Support: "Excuse me?" * Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man, but after about half an hour, my computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not connected no more." * Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web browser, sir? Do you get any kind of errors when you try opening a web page?" * Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin' happens." * Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a web browser?" * Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha mean." * Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer? Do you use any programs like those?" * Customer: "Now why would I need anything like that? All I want to do is get connected." * Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting conn--" * Customer: "Now listen here, I just done told ya that I'm not. I think I'd know if anything happened after I tried to connect. By now I'm getting rather frustrated, but still I press on." * Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a couple of things. First of all, when most people talk about 'surfing the web' and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking about viewing web pages on the Internet." * Customer: "I follow ya." * Tech Support: "In order to view these pages, the person needs to run a web browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. These turn the information on a web site into a format that is understandable by an ordinary person." * Customer: "So I need one of them ta get connected?" * Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already getting connected. Once you get that 'connected' message, you need to open up a web browser." * Customer: "I do?" * Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you have a 'little picture' that looks like a big 'N' or do you have one that looks like an 'e'?" * Customer: "I got one what looks like an 'N'." * Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I want you to do: After hanging up with me, I want you to connect like you usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to appear on your screen, I want you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't happening after that, go ahead and call us back." * Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen." The customer never called back. He also did not cancel his service the next day. The whole call took just over an hour and a half and I was ready to pull my hair out at several points. After the call, though, we were laughing over it for hours. ======= * Tech Support: "Ok you should now see a small dialog box on your desktop." * Customer: "I don't see any box on my desktop." * Tech Support: "Hmmm, are you sure? It looks like a small window with an 'OK' button in the middle of it." * Customer: "How can a window be in my desktop?" * Tech Support: "Sir, what are you looking at?" * Customer: "My desktop like you asked. There's no box on it, just the computer. However I do have a small window at the top of my wall, but I don't see anything that says 'ok'...." Thinking quickly, I decided to palm the call off to one of our younger support technicians, deciding this would be the perfect "field trip" for him. I told the customer we would have a technician drop by on site that afternoon to help him. The following is what the unsuspecting young technician experienced. The customer's house appeared to be in the middle of nowhere: there was nothing but barren land for miles in all directions. As he approached the house, he noticed a ring of cows, dogs, chickens, and pigs running loose and circling the house making an awful noise. As he approached the house, he noticed a dead, half eaten animal near the front of the house. Later, he learned, whenever the customer needed to feed his dogs, he would step outside and shoot a calf. Entering the house, the young technician noticed a very large pet door in the door. This was so the dogs and pigs could come and go as they pleased. Inside the house was absolute filth. Mud and grime covered the floor and the walls, pigs lay on the couch, and dogs sat on the recliner chairs. The stench of filth was unbearable. The customer took the technician to the back room, where the computer had been set up. A chicken was nesting on top of the monitor and droppings were running down the side. It was too much. He ran, terrified out of his wits, and never looked back. Later the tech called me from his home, where he was still trying to wash the stench from his clothes. He hadn't been in our ex-customer's house for even five minutes, and his clothes were ruined. ======= I work for Microsoft as a certified Word Professional. One day I received a call from a woman who had much difficulty explaining herself and even more difficulty understanding what I was asking of her. * Tech Support: "Ok, what version of word do you have?" * Customer: "Virgin!?" * Tech Support: "No, no...what VERSION do you have?" * Customer: "Huh?" * Tech Support: "You know what? I don't care. Let's move on." Pointless bickering and senseless rambling about her problem. * Tech Support: "And how often does this happen?" * Customer: "Well, it doesn't happen all the time, but when it happens, it happens constantly." * Tech Support: "Uh huh." I had to hit the mute button to avoid letting her hear my agitated laughter. The call lasted forty five minutes. I began to think that she didn't really know what I was saying, nor had the intelligence to question why I hadn't begun troubleshooting. Then I had an idea. * Tech Support: "Well everything seems to be in good standing on your system. Nice talking with you." * Customer: "Oh, THANK YOU!! Thank you very much!" (click) I never really found out what her issue was. ======= * Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then--" * Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!" * Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search." * Customer: "How do I do that?" ======= A former professor of mine was receiving a Javascript error when trying to view a particular web page. In trying to determine why he was having the trouble I asked what browser he was using. * Me: "You may have an older browser. What browser are you using?" * Him: "Well, I don't have a brand new computer, but it's not obsolete. I have Pentium 233 with 64 of the big ones." * Me: "You mean 64 megs of RAM?" * Him: "Yeah, RAM." * Me: "Ok, but what browser are you using? Internet Explorer or Netscape?" * Him: "I have Windows 95." * Me: "Ok, that's the operating system. What do you use to look at a web site?" * Him: "Oh, I'm using Office 97." * Me: "Yes, but what browser? When you look at a web site, what program do you use?" * Him: "Office 97." * Me: "Office 97 isn't a browser though. When you double click on the icon to connect to the Internet, it opens a program that lets you look at web sites on the Internet. What program opens? Internet Explorer or Netscape?" * Him: "My computer is not obsolete. I have Pentium 233." I never did find out what browser he uses. ======= * Tech Support: "Hold down the F2 key." * Customer: "Where is that?" * Tech Support: "On the left side of your keyboard, above the two -- just right of the Escape key." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "So now we are in the System Setup screen?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "All right. Hit your Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys. Then your F2 key." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Now we are in the System Setup?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Does it say, 'Loading Windows 95'?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Can you describe what is on your screen?" * Customer: "It's gray." * Tech Support: "Just gray? It does not say anything?" * Customer: "No. Just gray...with blue and white." * Tech Support: "Are there letters on your screen?" * Customer: "Yes." Aargh. * Tech Support: "Read them to me." * Customer: "C-o-p-y-r-i--" * Tech Support: "Do they form words? Do the words form phrases? Do the phrases form sentences?" * Customer: "I suppose." ======= * Customer: "I'll have you know, I've never even seen a computer before yesterday." Great. Great start to a call. He wanted to install the Internet connection software we have, so I had him insert the CD. "It ain't workin'!" was all I heard for about two minutes of trying the drive and checking to see if it was really there. * Tech Support: "Sir, could you eject your CD for a moment? We need to check if it's scratched." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Look on the bottom of the CD, and see if there are any scratches on it." * Customer: "On the bottom? Shouldn't we check the top?" * Tech Support: "Is the shiny side of the CD on the top?" * Customer: "Of course." * Tech Support: "Ok, could you flip it over so the shiny side is down and then insert it into the drive?" * Customer: "Won't it scratch if I put it in like that?" * Tech Support: "No, it won't scratch." * Customer: "Well, ok...." He inserted the CD in the drive correctly, and then his computer froze. * Customer: "My computer froze! I told you it would scratch the CD!" * Tech Support: "I'm sure that's not the problem--" * Customer: "I can't believe you scratched the CD." * Tech Support: "Ok, sir, could you hold down 'ctrl' and 'alt', and then-- (clunking sounds) Hello? Hello, sir?" There was no one on the line for a moment. Then he spoke up again. * Customer: "I've been holding 'ctrl' and 'alt' for the past two minutes, and nothing is happening at all on my whole damn computer, because you made me scratch the software." ======= * Customer: "My program doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Which program are you using?" * Customer: "The one I use to get my work done." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, we support many different programs, what's the name of the program you use?" * Customer: "I don't know; it's the one that comes up when I start my computer." * Tech Support: "Can you tell me what you see on the screen after you start your computer?" * Customer: "No, I can't get the program to come up so I can't tell you what's on the screen." * Tech Support: "Is your computer on?" * Customer: "Of course it's on! I know how to turn on my computer!" * Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an Xterminal, or a VT420?" * Customer: "I don't know. You're the help desk -- you're supposed to know that." * Tech Support: "Uh. Have you tried rebooting your machine?" * Customer: (angrily) "I just told you I can't get the program to run. What kind of help desk is this? I don't think you're very helpful, and I'll have you know that I personally know one of the programmers, and I'm going to call her since I know she'll be able to help me!" ======= This woman calls in, having a problem with her video card. Her initial rundown on the situation seems like she would know what she was talking about. But no. * Customer: "So when I go to boot my computer, it just does nothing." * Tech Support: "It just does nothing? So, when you turn on your computer you just get a blank screen?" * Customer: "Oh no, It comes up and counts my memory, detects hard drives, etc." * Tech Support: "Ok, then what happens?" * Customer: "It doesn't do nothing." * Tech Support: "It doesn't do nothing? I am not sure I understand. Does it lock up at this point?" * Customer: "Oh no, after that I get the screen with the clouds that says 'Windows' on it." * Tech Support: "Ok, so you turn it on, it starts to boot up, then it goes to the splash screen with the clouds, and this is where you are having problems? What happens here?" * Customer: "It doesn't do nothing." * Tech Support: "Ok, so can you even get in to Windows? Will the system boot to your desktop?" * Customer: "Oh yes." * Tech Support: "All right, so, you turn on your system, it counts your RAM, detects your drives, loads the splash screen, boots into Windows, and then what?" * Customer: "Nothing." * Tech Support: "So what is the problem?" * Customer: "The computer doesn't do nothing." * Tech Support: "Ok, I need you to be a little more specific here because that so far, this is quite normal." * Customer: "Oh yeah, all that stuff is normal." * Tech Support: "So again, what is the problem anyway?" * Customer: "My desktop is all washed out looking." ======= I sent a JPEG from my recent vacation to my mother as an email attachment. I then telephoned her to see if she was able to view it. After attempting to get her to use the 'File/Open' command in Netscape, I realized that my 'Open' dialog was different from hers, and so I couldn't talk her through it. But I tried to determine which OS she was running. * Me: "Do you know what operating system you're running? Is it Windows 95 or Windows 3.1?" * My Mother: "I don't know, but it must be Windows 95." * Me: "Ok, do you see a 'My Computer' icon on your screen?" * My Mother: "'My Computer'? What's that?" * Me: "It's a picture of a computer with the words 'My Computer' underneath it." * My Mother: "I don't have that." * Me: "It would be on the desktop." * My Mother: (getting irate) "I don't know what you're talking about." * Me: "Mom, tell me what you see when you turn your computer on." * My Mother: "Nothing." * Me: "You don't see anything? No words appear on the screen? Nothing? Well, what do you see on your screen right now?" * My Mother: "I don't see anything." * Me: (getting frustrated) "You're staring at a black screen? There's nothing there at all?" * My Mother: "I'm not technical. I don't know these things." * Me: "I just want you to describe what you see." * My Mother: "I don't see anything. I just get on here and clickity-click." * Me: "I gotta go, Mom." ======= We have one customer who is notorious in the tech support department. We all dread getting a call from her. She is truly stupid when it comes to a computer. * Tech Support: "Ok, you are in C:\WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So type 'A' colon and press enter." * Customer: "'A'? What's an 'A'?" * Tech Support: "It's the first letter of the alphabet. 'A' like apple." * Customer: "Ummm...what's an 'A'? I don't know what it is." * Tech Support: "Grade school, remember? The letter 'A'?" * Customer: "Oh, ok. Where is that?" * Tech Support: "Left side of the keyboard. Next to the 'S'." * Customer: "Ok...I think I found it. What do I do?" * Tech Support: "Press it. See what happens." * Customer: "Ok, I've got an 'A' now." * Tech Support: "Now press the colon. It's next to the 'L' key." * Customer: "How do I get it?" * Tech Support: "Hold down the 'shift' key." * Customer: "How to you spell that?" * Tech Support: "S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that down and press the colon." * Customer: "I can't find the colon." * Tech Support: "It's to the right of the 'L'." * Customer: "How do I get it?" * Tech Support: "Hold the shift key and press the colon key." * Customer: "Oh, ok...I think I've got it." * Tech Support: "Good, now hit 'enter'." * Customer: "Where's that?" This whole conversation of two commands took almost an hour. I have no idea how this lady ever made enough money to buy a computer. It amazes me how someone can forget the alphabet. She's nice, but she's amazingly dumb. ======= A customer wanted to set up his computer to download something from the Internet. So I spent a nice chunk of time walking him through downloading Netscape and the Plugin Pack and rebooting. * Customer: "So are we done yet?" * Tech Support: "Not yet." I spent still more time configuring TCP/IP for the LAN for him. * Customer: "So are we done yet?" * Tech Support: "Not yet." I spent still more time with him configuring access through the firewall and setting his preferences. Netscape started fine at this point. * Customer: "So are we done yet?" * Tech Support: "Yes. Try accessing the site now." * Customer: "How do I do that?" I spent still more time with him explaining how to enter a URL. * Customer: "It's not working!" * Tech Support: "Where are you trying to go?" He gave me the address. I tried nslookup and whois on it, but they came up empty. * Tech Support: "I'm sorry, that site doesn't exist. Are you sure you wrote it down correctly?" * Customer: "Well! All this was a waste of time! We've accomplished nothing!" (click) ======= A customer called complaining that his display wasn't working. (It turned out to be that his monitor was out of sync.) * Customer: "I installed the video drivers and all I see is a postage stamp in the center of the screen." * Tech Support: "Can you describe what you see?" * Customer: "I just told you, a postage stamp!!" * Tech Support: "Does it look like your desktop?" * Customer: "Nope. Aren't you listening?? It looks like a postage stamp." * Tech Support: "Ok,let's reset the system back to VGA." * Customer: "What's that??" * Tech Support: "The default video settings...please hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete." * Customer: "What is that???" * Tech Support: "The three keys. 'Control' and 'Alt' and 'Delete' pressed at the same time." * Customer: "Oh, ok. Oh no!! My screen went blank!" * Tech Support: "That's ok. When you see OS/2 in the upper left hit 'Alt' and 'F1'." * Customer: "'Alt'? 'F1'? Can you speak English?" * Tech Support: "Sir, these are keys on your keyboard." * Customer: "Oh." * Tech Support: (waits a minute for the system to finish booting) "Do you see the OS/2 logo yet?" * Customer: "Nope." * Tech Support: (waits another minute or two) "Anything yet?" * Customer: "Nope. Can I release the keys?" Twenty minutes later I found out he had a monitor that was only capable of VGA, and then I spent another ten minutes trying to explain why he needed a better monitor to display higher resolutions. ======= * Tech Support: "Double click on 'My Computer', then on the 'Dial-up Networking' folder." * Customer: "Where is it?" * Tech Support: "Excuse me?" * Customer: "Where is 'My Computer'?" * Tech Support: "In the upper left corner of your screen." * Customer: "Oh! Hey! That's pretty good!!" Twenty five minutes later.... * Tech Support: "Ok, now go to 'Options' and then 'Mail and News Preferences'." * Customer: "Got it." * Tech Support: "Now click on the tab that says 'Servers'." * Customer: "I don't see it." * Tech Support: "What do you see on your screen?" * Customer: "Oh! There it is. I was looking on the keyboard." * Tech Support: "Ok, now read to me what's in the SMTP field." * Customer: "There's nothing there." * Tech Support: "Now we know why you can't get your mail. Type in 'mailhost.worldnet.att.net'." * Customer: "M-A-L-E-H-O-S-T..." * Tech Support: "No sir. It's spelled M-A-I-L-H-O-S-T." * Customer: "Ok...where's the dot?" I wanted to cry. ======= * Husband: "Hi. I'm having a problem connecting to the Internet." * Tech Support: "Ok sir, what operating system are you using?" * Husband: "Oh...I'm really not sure...I'm not the computer expert. My wife is. She's sitting at the computer. I'm going to dictate this to her." (pause) "She says we use Windows 95." * Tech Support: "Ok. What exactly is the problem?" * Husband: "I can't connect." * Wife: (in the background) "We can't even get on -- the software is buggy!" * Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you try to connect?" * Husband: "Ok, the Connect To: screen pops up, and it asks for my password." * Tech Support: "Did you put your password in?" * Husband: "Yes, and it keeps asking for it afterwards." * Tech Support: "Do you have your caps lock key on?" * Husband: "Yes, but that shouldn't make any difference." * Tech Support: "Uhm...go ahead and hit the caps lock key until the light goes away." * Husband: "Are you sure? We've always got on with the caps lock key on." * Tech Support: "Yes, I'm sure." * Husband: "Oh, ok. It took my password." * Wife: (in the background) "I told you!" (They start arguing. She takes the phone from him.) "HELLO?" * Tech Support: "Yes, hello, you should be all set from here." * Wife: "YES HI, I'VE BEEN USING YOUR DAMN SOFTWARE FOR I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG, AND I STILL CAN'T GET EMAIL FROM MY SON IN THE NAVY!" * Tech Support: "What program do you use for email, ma'am?" * Wife: "I use Windows 95! We already told you that!" * Husband: (in the background) "We already told her that, didn't we?" * Tech Support: "No, what mail application...such as Eudora, Netscape, Internet Explorer..." * Wife: "Microsoft Netscape." * Tech Support: "Netscape?" * Wife: "Yes, Microsoft Netscape." * Tech Support: "Ok, open that up and go to Options, and then Mail and News Preferences--" * Wife: "No, I want email! I don't want to surf the net!" * Tech Support: "Netscape comes with an email program, and we're going to set it up now." * Wife: "Ugh. Fine. Whatever. We'll do it YOUR way." * Tech Support: "Ok." (explains how to set up popmail) * Wife: "I'm not getting mail." * Tech Support: "Do you have two phone lines?" Suddenly I hear the modem attempting to dial in. * Tech Support: (over the roar of the modem) "MA'AM? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE PHONE LINE. DON'T TRY TO DIAL IN." (beep click click) * Tech Support: "You can't dial up with this line. It's already in use." * Wife: "I was always able to use it before YOU changed my settings!" * Tech Support: "No, you will just have to disconn--" * Wife: "You tech support people always mess up my settings, and then I have to bring my computer back to [retailer] to get it fixed! You know, you cost me so much money!" * Tech Support: "Ma'am, I didn't change any of your Internet settings." * Wife: "Yes you did, we just went through a NUMBER of things." * Tech Support: "All we did was--" * Wife: "I've had ENOUGH of your service. I'm going back to AOL." (click) ======= I got a call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her mouse would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a message when booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power off the PC, disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the mouse functioned fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly, "Why did your software unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to the lady that that was not possible and that all it was was a loose connection. It wasn't good enough for her. She put her husband on, who asked, "Why did your software decide my computer didn't need a mouse?" Again, trying to explain the loose connection was of little use, and he wanted another number to call to return the software. ======= * Tech Support: "So the mouse won't move?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Does the numlock or capslock work?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Ok, you'll need to hit the reset button." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Is the system booting back up yet?" * Customer: "Ummm..." (pause) * Tech Support: "Is it rebooting?" * Customer: "I see a return button. Is that the one you want?" * Tech Support: "No, the reset button. It's on the front of the computer. You're looking at the keyboard." * Customer: "Oh, umm...there's just one button, and it says 'power'." * Tech Support: "That's the monitor. The computer is that box that all those things plug into." * Customer: "Umm...ohh! I see it now -- how silly of me. Ok, I pressed it." * Tech Support: "Is the system rebooting now?" * Customer: "No, it's still locked up." * Tech Support: "You're sure you pressed the button marked 'reset'?" * Customer: "Yes, it's right here next to the one labeled 'Form Feed'." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the printer." * Customer: "Maybe you just need to come here and fix it." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you use any floppy disks?" * Customer: "Yes, I save all my letters on them." * Tech Support: "The computer is the thing you stick the disks into." * Customer: "OHHH!!!! It's under the desk...hang on. Well! Look at that; there's a reset button. I pressed it, now my computer is acting like I just turned it on." * Tech Support: "Ok, good." * Customer: "Wait, what's this button that says 'Turbo'?" * Tech Support: "That's there so you can slow the system down to run older software and games." * Customer: "Is that why my system is so slow?" * Tech Support: "Is the yellow light on?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Press that button." * Customer: "WOW!!!" * Tech Support: "What?" * Customer: "My report didn't freeze up this time." That turned out to be the cause of her system locking up. It wasn't really locking up, it was just going so slow it seemed that way, and she never waited long enough for it to finish processing her reports. ======= * Customer: "When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions and then it kicks me off." * Tech Support: "What were the questions that it asked you?" * Customer: "I don't remember." * Tech Support: "Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know what the problem is and I can't help you." * Customer: "So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing the questions again?" * Tech Support: "Yes." * Customer: "Can't I just keep you on while I call?" * Tech Support: "Is your modem on another line?" * Customer: "No, same line." * Tech Support: "Well, sir, you can't do it...it's like someone picking up the phone now and dialing while we are talking." * Customer: "Can I at least try?" He tried. Twice. Ugh. ======= * Customer: "My Internet doesn't work!" * Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?" * Customer: "An icon? Desktop??" * Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?" * Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?" * Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'." * Customer: "What is 'shift'??" ======= * Customer: "My modem is not working." * Tech Support: "Ok. Let's start simply. Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?" * Customer: "I have no dial tone when I pick up the phone." * Tech Support: "Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?" * Customer: "I bought this new computer, it's got (reads from store receipt) and 32 megs of RAM. But it won't work." * Tech Support: "Ok. Tell me how you have it set up right now." * Customer: "Well, I have it setting next to the phone, and the phone line is hooked into it." * Tech Support: "Is anything running into the wall?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "So you have the computer sitting next to the phone, the phone line running into the computer, and that's it?" * Customer: "Yes. Am I supposed to plug the computer in?" * Tech Support: "Yes, it needs to be plugged in so the modem can dial." * Customer: "What's a modem?" ======= My boss sent an update of our current program via modem to all of our online customers, with instructions to call in and be walked through the upgrade if they needed it. He had to leave the office for a few hours, so he gave me instructions on how to start the upgrade once they had downloaded it. I got a call while he was away. Details you should know: the lady who called me for instructions was not the person who was operating the computer. That person was on the other side of the room, and everything had to be relayed through the lady on the phone. For reasons of brevity, I won't bother typing out every sentence being repeated several times back and forth. * Customer: "We got your program, along with a note that we were supposed to call...?" * Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you with that. Type [the command] and press Return." * Customer: "It says that file doesn't exist." * Tech Support: "Huh? Ok...are you in the [directory] directory?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Hmmm. Let's try this again, just to be sure." I spelled out the command exactly and got her to read it back to me before she hit Return. But she got the same error. * Tech Support: "All right, let's make sure the program is installed in the right directory. Could you take a look in the directory tree and let me know what you find in--" * Customer: "Tree? TREE?? There's no trees anywhere near my computer! Whaddaya mean a tree might have caused the problem???" Needless to say, that took a while to straighten out. Anyway, it turned out the upgrade wasn't in the directory at all. * Tech Support: "Did you receive the program OK? No error messages or anything popped up during the transmission?" * Customer: "Oh no, everything went fine. I've got it right here in my hand." Sigh. Someone had transferred the download to disk in order to install it on a second computer, handed it to her, and told her to call us. Apparently it never occurred to her to get the program on the computer somehow before calling. ======= * Tech Support: "What do you have connected to the back of your computer?" * Customer: "I have a printer, a modem and the System 7 module." * Tech Support: "Excuse me, but could you repeat the last item?" * Customer: "The System 7 module." * Tech Support: "The System 7 what?" * Customer: "It's the module to upgrade the system to 7.5." * Tech Support: "...and it plugs into the back of your computer?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Does this 'module' plug into anything else?" * Customer: "It plugs into the wall outlet." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the power cord." * Customer: "No, I can see the power cord, and this module is plugged in right next to it." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, there is no such thing as a System 7 module." * Customer: "Oh my goodness, I'm sorry, I forgot. It's the power supply to the HyperCard." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, HyperCard does not have a separate power supply. Would you mind following the cord from the outlet until you find what it plugs into?" * Customer: "Ok." Ten minutes later... * Customer: "It hooks into the printer." ======= This call took more than 45 minutes, in case you wanted to know why there are hold times on support numbers. * Customer: "I haven't had sound for about a month." * Tech Support: "What kind of speakers do you have?" * Customer: "They are stereo." * Tech Support: "Ok, do they plug into the wall?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "So they are the little boxes that don't attach to the monitor?" * Customer: [angrily] "Yes." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's see if maybe the speakers are the problem. Do you have a music CD?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Would you go get it?" * Customer: "Sure." [clunk clunk clunk] "Do you want one that came with the computer?" * Tech Support: "No, I need a music CD." * Customer: "I think 'The Animals' has music." * Tech Support: "Ok, maybe I am being unclear, I need a regular CD not a cdrom -- one you buy at a music store." * Customer: "I have a Garth Brooks CD, but I bought it at a swap meet." * Tech Support: "That's great; that CD will work." * Customer: "I go to swap meets all the time to get great deals on stuff. We don't ever go to the music stores." We get the CD playing with AudioStation, but there's no sound. * Tech Support: "Ok, let's check the volume." * Customer: "I already checked the damn volume when it stopped making sound a month ago!" * Tech Support: "I understand. Let's just double check it real quick." The volume level turns out ok, and the sound's not muted. * Customer: "I'll just turn it all the way up.... Nope, can't hear a damn thing." * Tech Support: "It looks like you are ok there, now let's check those speakers." * Customer: "Ok, but you might as well replace the whole damn thing right now." * Tech Support: "I'll be happy to replace anything that needs replacing. I just want to make sure we get everything working for you." * Customer: "All right." * Tech Support: "Now those speakers...they are all hooked up? The left connects to the right and then the right connects to the computer?" * Customer: [obviously without checking] "Yup." * Tech Support: "Ok. And they are turned off right?" * Customer: "...Listen to me you little..." I endure a three minute profanity/threat combo. * Customer: "...Of course they are turned on!! Now you--" * Tech Support: "Whoa, slow down a sec...I want you to turn them to the off position, please." Country music blares. The rest of the conversation takes place shouting over it. * Customer: "Heck son, I don't believe it! What was the problem?" * Tech Support: "The batteries must be dead." ======= I used to work as a salesman for a computer wholesaler a number of years ago. I got a call from a woman who was fit to be tied. She found out that the person who sold her the computer bought it from our company and called us to complain. * Customer: "I need help with this computer!" * Tech Support: "Well what do you need to know?" * Customer: (screaming) "Well I bought this damn computer from this guy who says he bought it from you and he came to my house and hooked it up. Now while he's explaining to my daughter how to use it, she's telling him 'yeah, yeah,' she knows what he's talking about. I'm in the kitchen cooking peppers and onions while my daughter is going 'yeah, yeah,' then this guy leaves, and I ask my daughter if she knows how to use the computer, and she says she was too embarrassed to tell him she didn't understand and just told him 'yeah, yeah.' Now I paid over $1000 for this thing and I don't even know how to use it!" * Tech Support: "Uh, well is there anything in particular you want to know how to do?" I never anticipated her answer. * Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game." * Tech Support: "A what!?" * Customer: "A tennis game with the paddles." * Tech Support: "What, you mean like pong?" * Customer: "No, tennis!" * Tech Support: "You mean with graphics?" * Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game with the, you know, rackets and the ball." * Tech Support: (in shock, I start blurting nonsense) "Well, do you know Windows?" * Customer: "I don't know anything about computers, I was frying sausages in the kitchen..." She tells me the whole story again. * Tech Support: "Well, you would need to lean how to program in a computer language like C++ and that takes many years of experience. I'd suggest you first start slowly and learn DOS and Windows." After that, I spent twenty minutes talking her down from a seething boil to a cool simmer and finally got her off the phone. I imagine this woman aggravated the poor slob who sold her the computer until he caved in and gave her our number. Nice guy. ======= * Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??" * Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?" * Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!" ======= This was my slowest caller ever: * Tech Support: "Thank you for calling; how may I help you?" * Customer: "Ummm...it doesn't work." Direct and to the point, but just a touch vague. So I prodded him for more information about his problem. * Tech Support: "What does not work?" * Customer: "Ummm...the program doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Could you please be more specific? Was there an error message?" * Customer: "Yes." I waited a moment, thinking that he would continue on his own. But he didn't. * Tech Support: "And the message was?" * Customer: "Something about a GPF." * Tech Support: "Are you in front of the computer now?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Can you get in front of the computer?" * Customer: "I guess; let me get out of bed." Shuffling. Stepping down stairs. * Tech Support: "Are you still there?" * Customer: "Yeah, I have to go downstairs and turn on the computer." This guy has a 386-25 with 2 megs of RAM loading Windows. It takes about five minutes to boot up his machine. * Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?" * Customer: "Uhhhh...almost...." Pause. * Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?" * Customer: "Uhhhh...almost...." Pause. * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Ok, you are in Windows, can you get into the program for me please?" * Customer: "How do I do that?" * Tech Support: "Just the way you normally do." * Customer: "I don't remember. It's late, and I'm tired. Step me through it." * Tech Support: "Double click on the icon for the program please." * Customer: "Where is that?" I slowly drop my head to the desk. Finally, I get him to start our application and wait three minutes for the software to load. I'm now fifteen minutes into this call, and I normally average three and a half. * Tech Support: "Ok, can you duplicate the problem for me?" * Customer: "Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.........no." * Tech Support: "Why not?" * Customer: "I don't remember where it happened." * Tech Support: "I'm afraid I really won't able to help unless I know the error message and where it occured. You will need to recreate the message and call us back with that information." * Customer: "But I waited so long to talk to you, you people really need to be faster if you expect people to use your service. It takes too long to talk to you. You will lose customers unless you speed it up." * Tech Support: "Thanks for calling, bye-bye." ======= * Customer: "It was working last night, but it's not working any longer. And I haven't changed anything." * Tech Support: "You sure you haven't changed anything? Nobody's gone near the machine?" * Customer: "Yeah, yeah, nobody touched it." * Tech Support: "What's not working?" * Customer: "I can't get into my POP account." Alarm bells go off in my head. The user doesn't have a POP account. * Tech Support: "Oh. All right. Do you have the letter we sent you with your POP account details?" * Customer: "Yeah, uh, it's...around here somewhere." [scrabbling sounds] * Tech Support: "Ok, let's forget the POP account for a moment. Can you tell me exactly what happened?" * Customer: "Well, I moved everything onto my new machine this morning, and it's not working." * Tech Support: "I thought you said that you didn't change anything???" * Customer: "But I didn't!" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, type 'cd windows.'" * Customer: "Right." * Tech Support: "What does it say?" * Customer: "It says 'see colon slash greater-than see dee windows.'" * Tech Support: [sigh] "Press return." * Customer: "Ok, it says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than.'" * Tech Support: "Right, do a dir." * Customer: "Uh...how?" * Tech Support: "Type 'dir'." * Customer: "It says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than dir.'" * Tech Support: [adding teethmarks to the phone] "Press return!" * Customer: "Ok, it says lots of different things, and then, 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than.' Oh, and there's always a flashy line after the greater-than; did I mention that?" ======= A user calls from Chicago. (We are in central Illinois.) She wants to register for classes via our online registration system. In the course of the discussion I discover that: * She is definitely "Not A Computer Person" (tm). * She is at her friend's house, but her friend is not there. * Her friend has a computer, but she doesn't know what kind. * She has never turned it on. * She thinks it has a modem, but she is not sure. * She has never logged on to any of her university accounts. * She has never used any terminal software and doesn't know what type her friend has. She was deeply upset that "no one will help her." Sadly, I was also unable to do so. I mean, what do you do? ======= I once received a call from a woman with a heavy, throaty, not-real-educated-or-bright voice from New York. She asked if the... * Customer: "...new tape, ya know, the plasticky thingie I got in the mail...does that work even if I don't put it in my compoota??" * Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the software does not work unless it is installed on to your hard drive." * Customer: "But this isn't soft...this is a small hard plastic square..." * Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, that's called software, and you need to insert it into the disk drive to use it." * Customer: "Look, lady, I'm not stupid -- this isn't soft -- and I don't appreciate you making fun of me." [click] ======= * Tech Support: "Now, do you see the words '[etc etc etc]'." * Customer: "Um, no." * Tech Support: "Scroll down, there should be the words '[etc etc etc]' enclosed in brackets." * Customer: "They're not here." * Tech Support: [loading up the same file in EDIT on my machine] "Ok, starting from the top, you'll see '[this]', '[that]', and '[the other]'. The next section will have '[etc etc etc]' in brackets." * Customer: "Oh, you mean '[etc etc etc]'!" * Tech Support: "Yes. Now, under that is a blank line." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Now, move the cursor to that blank line." * Customer: "I don't understand what you mean." I spent about ten minutes trying to navigate him to the beginning of the blank line so that he can type in a single line of text. He seemed to completely lack comprehension. The man understood English, but there was something he seemed to be failing to grasp. * Tech Support: [getting frustrated and barely keeping calm] "Now, right below the words '[etc etc etc]' is a blank line." * Customer: "Oh! You mean the line that doesn't have anything on it!" * Tech Support: "YES!" ======= * Tech Support: "Sir, open up your System Folder and find the Launcher Items folder." * Customer: "I don't have a Systems Folder." My patience with such customers was wearing thin. After a short pause: * Tech Support: "It's in your hard disk, sir. You must have one, or else your computer wouldn't start properly." * Customer: "Hard disk, hard disk...hmmm -- is that little rectangle in the top right?" * Tech Support: "Yes." * Customer: "Ok, but mine doesn't say 'Hard Disk.' It's just labeled with a period. How did that happen?" * Tech Support: "Well, you can name it anything you want, perhaps yours was named accidentally." * Customer: "Oh. What now?" * Tech Support: "Open your System Folder." * Customer: "I don't have a systems folder. Oh, oh, here it is! Ok, ok, I'm opening the Systems Envelope now." And after an excruciating 30 minutes of how to make an alias and reminding him that he truly did have a System Folder (or, as he called it, an "Envelope") and where it was, we got his new software on the Launcher. Ten minutes later he called me back and told me how he had written down my directions to the "Systems Envelope" so he could put more programs on his Launcher. One of the programs didn't work, however, and after another 45 minutes of sheer hell, I told him we needed to send him some new floppies. * Customer: "Hey, can you send me a dozen apples too? My wife would like to make a pie. Ha ha! Apples. Get it? Macintoshes? Ha ha. Don't you get it?" If I had a button on my phone to administer electro-shock to this man, I would have. * Tech Support: "Yes sir, I do." ======= * Customer: "I get garbage when I log onto IndyNet." * Tech Support: "Ok, what software are you using?" * Customer: "Internet." * Tech Support: "Yes, I know you're connecting to the Internet, but what software do you use to make the connection?" * Customer: "Oh! Windows." * Tech Support: "Yes, but what software inside of Windows do you use?" * Customer: "Oh! Ok, yes, I have an Acer 486-66D...." * Tech Support: "No! The software! Do you know what software is?" * Customer: "Uh, kind of." * Tech Support: "Ok. Software is the program that you run in order to make the computer do anything, ok?" * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "So what program do you run to call us?" * Customer: "ATDTxxxxxxx." ======= * Tech Support: "Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." * Tech Support: "What sort of trouble?" * Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." * Tech Support: "Went away?" * Customer: "They disappeared." * Tech Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" * Customer: "Nothing." * Tech Support: "Nothing?" * Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." * Tech Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" * Customer: "How do I tell?" * Tech Support: "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?" * Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?" * Tech Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" * Customer: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type." * Tech Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" * Customer: "What's a monitor?" * Tech Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" * Customer: "I don't know." * Tech Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" (Rustling and jostling heard in the background.) * Customer: [muffled] "Yes, I think so." * Tech Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." * Customer: "Yes, it is." * Tech Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." (Rustle, rustle.) * Customer: [muffled] "Ok, here it is." * Tech Support: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." * Customer: [still muffled] "I can't reach." * Tech Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" * Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark in here." * Tech Support: "Dark?" * Customer: "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." * Tech Support: "Well, turn on the office light then." * Customer: "I can't." * Tech Support: "No? Why not?" * Customer: "Because there's a power outage." * Tech Support: "A p-!" [AARGH!] This woman was good friends with my supervisor. She's now also my wife. [Editor's Note: This story is true but heavily circulated with a fictitious ending: see http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperf.htm#stupid.] ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, now type 'C D space backslash'." * Customer: "Um, can you repeat that?" * Tech Support: "Yes, 'C D space backslash'." * Customer: "'C P'?" * Tech Support: "No, 'C D'." * Customer: "Ok, 'C D slash backspace'." * Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'." * Customer: "'C D slash space backspace'." * Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'." * Customer: "'C D slash backspace'." * Tech Support: "'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'." * Customer: "'C D space backslash'." ======= In my previous job, we often had to contact clients in Pacific Island nations where office technology seems to be even more feared than usual. A relaxed attitude to time adds to the battle. One day I had to send a fax to a number in the Cook Islands. I called. * Me: "Hi, I'm trying to send a fax." * Person #1: "Hello." * Me: "Hello. Is this your fax number? I'm trying to send a fax to you." * Person #1: "Hello." It became apparent that "Hello" comprises the majority of this person's English. * Me: "Is Mr. [name] there? Could you get him, please?" * Person #1: "Mr. [name]. OK." He wandered off. Shouting and a leisurely background conversation followed. Five minutes later a different person came to the phone. * Person #2: "Hello." * Me: (resisting the urge to scream) "Hello, I'm calling from overseas, and I'm trying to send a fax. Could you please press your fax button?" * Person #2: "I thought you wanted Mr. [name]. He's not here." * Me: "Well, no, it doesn't matter who I talk to. Can you just press the fax button so I can get this fax through to you?" * Person #2: "I don't know how all this works. I can leave a message for Mr. [name] if you like." * Me: "No, you just need to press that big button on the fax machine. Can you do that now, please?" * Person #2: "Wait, [another name] is here. She might know." (wanders off for another ten minutes; much background conversation) "She says the fax machine is turned off." * Me: "Well, can you turn it on please? Or should I try again later?" * Person #2: "I think we haven't got enough power for the fax machine right now. I'll have to start up the generator." * Me: "No, no, I'll try again tomorrow. You don't need to--" * Person #2: "It's around the back of the building. I'll be right back." (wanders off) I was just about to hang up when someone picked up the phone. * Person #1: "Hello. Hello. Hello." I hung up. ======= * Tech Support: "Now we need to check the communications driver. In Program Manager, click on File and select Run. " * Customer: "I don't have anything that says 'Run.'" * Tech Support: "What do you have at the very top of the Window?" * Customer: "Program Manager." * Tech Support: "Good. And what is right beneath that?" * Customer: "Main, Accessories, Applications--" * Tech Support: "No, no. What do you see between the bar where it says 'Program Manager' and those boxes?" * Customer: "Nothing." * Tech Support: "Ok, do you see that white bar underneath the Program Manager bar?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Good. What's on the far left of that bar?" * Customer: "It says 'File.'" * Tech Support: "All right, click on File and select Run." * Customer: "It's asking me if I want to exit Windows. Do I click on OK?" * Tech Support: "Click on Cancel. Now, click of File and then click on Run." * Customer: "It brought up a box with 'Program Item' and 'Program Group' in it. Which one do you want?" * Tech Support: "Click on Cancel. Click on File and hit 'R' on the keyboard." * Customer: "There's no 'R' in the list." * Tech Support: "On the keyboard there should be an 'R' key." * Customer: "Oh, yes." * Tech Support: "Press it." * Customer: "Now it's asking for a 'Command Line.'" * Tech Support: "Good. Type 'sysedit', s-y-s-e-d-i-t, and hit Enter." * Customer: "I don't see Enter. Do you want me to click on 'OK'?" * Tech Support: "That'll work." * Customer: "It says it couldn't find the file." * Tech Support: "Let's try it again: S...Y...S...E...D...I...T." * Customer: "S...Y...F...E...C...I...V." * Tech Support: "No, no. Sysedit. As in system editor." * Customer: "S...Y...S...T...E...M..." * Tech Support: "No. Just sysedit. S...Y...S...E...D...I...T." * Customer: "Ok, that brought up a window with four windows inside it." * Tech Support: "Good. Bring up the system.ini window." * Customer: "How do I do that?" * Tech Support: "Close the first window, the autoexec.bat." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Now close the config.sys window." * Customer: "I can't. I guess I closed the wrong window. The only window I have now is Program Manager." Fast forward about five minutes to when Sysedit is finally up and the system.ini is being displayed. However, the user is unable to find the comm.drv line in 14 attempts of going down the list line by line for the first 12 lines. The other techs have been listening to this and are almost on the floor laughing. * Tech Support: "Ok, click on Search and select Find." * Customer: "I don't see Search." Yep, you guessed it. Repeat the whole File->Run routine right down to being unable to type in "comm" in the search-for line. Almost 10 minutes more to find the line -- seventh line down. * Tech Support: "What does the line read?" * Customer: "'comm.drv=rhodsi.drv'" Bingo! Home stretch now. Have the user comment out that line and put in Windows' driver back. * Tech Support: "Now exit out of Windows and restart." * Customer: "Windows won't start. It says something about a device driver." I'm grateful now for using SysEdit. Restore the backup SysEdit automatically makes. Try changing the line using DOS Edit three times. Each time is the same -- device driver error. * Tech Support: "Type 'copy system.syd system.ini' and hit Enter." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Type 'win' and hit Enter." * Customer: "It's starting." * Tech Support: "You should be set then." I'm a computer technician at a school. One day, one of the teachers came up to me and said, "Hey, one of my students gave me a shiny, flat, round thing and said that it had his report on it. Do you know what that is?" ======= A lady bought a computer from us. About a month later, she came in and asked us to install a sound card which can support CDROM drives. So we installed a Soundblaster Pro for her. A week later, she brings the machine in and starts ragging us out because her CDROM drive isn't working, and "It won't eject the disk." I look at the computer. "But you don't have a CDROM drive!" I exclaim. She points at the 5 1/4" disk drive and says, "What kind of computer salesman are you? Can't even recognize a CDROM drive when you see one?" It seems she had decided her 5 1/4" floppy drive was in fact a CDROM drive, and since the CD fit in quite nicely, it had to be a CDROM drive. Long and short of it: the drive was destroyed, the CD was destroyed, and all the technicians were laughing for a few hours. ======= When working at the Blinn College computer lab I had a girl come up to the desk and ask why her cdrom drive was not working. I went to check it out and to my surprise she had crammed the expensive software CD into the 5 1/4" drive. I had to take apart the drive to get the CD out, and of course it was ruined. A week later, the same girl came in and did it again. ======= I used to work in the only computer shop in a small village near Milan, in Italy. One day, a customer entered the shop, claiming that his computer wouldn't work anymore. We narrowed the problem down to the cdrom drive, so we swapped it out with a good one, and it booted up fine. So we reported what we did to the customer. * Customer: "I want my CDs back." * Me: "Did you have a CD in the defective unit?" * Customer: "Not only one." * Me: "What?" * Customer: "It's a 4x unit, right? It has three CDs in it right now. I thought the CD-ROM was defective, because it never accepted the fourth CD." ======= * Customer: "I need help with my scanner. I put pictures in and close the scanner, and nothing happens. It's broke, and I want my money back." * Tech Support: "I am looking at your sales, and you did not purchase a scanner from us." * Customer: "You are an idiot! You do not know what a scanner is!" * Tech Support: "Did you buy a scanner from somewhere else?" * Customer: "No. It came with the computer and opens on the front of the unit. Every time I put a picture and close the door, it does nothing, and when I open the door, the picture is gone. Now the door will not close all the way." I extracted five pictures that were scrunched up in the back of the cdrom drive. ======= In the early 90s, when CD burners were just coming out, I treated myself to one. All was fine until I bought a bad batch of CD-Rs. Nothing would record to them, so I took them back to the shop. I explained the problem to the assistant. He went back and had a chat with a colleague and came back saying, "The drive records by burning the information onto the disk. So the problem is the soot that's building up on the lens." ======= I had an customer that was furious, because he'd spent two hours trying to burn a CD, and nothing was working. I went to the customer's house and removed from the drive the round paper label that comes with a stack of CDs. He thought this was a newer, thinner type of CD. ======= We replaced a large number of very old PCs with the latest and greatest. This meant that new techonology was being introduced to users who had previously used dumb terminals or 16mhz 386s. One user asked if he could use his cdrom to play music CDs. I said he could, but he would need speakers or headphones. He replied that he didn't have either, but in the mean time, he would listen to the music coming out of the little hole (headphone jack). I nodded and left quickly. ======= Someone was trying to use my computer. She took a CD, put it into the drive, and pushed the disk eject button. She did this again. And again. Finally, she turned to me and said, "I put the disk in and press the START DISK button, but the disk just comes back out! What am I doing wrong?" ======= Overheard at work: * Co-Worker #1: "Hey, the CD that you have recorded for me doesn't work in my cdrom drive." * Co-Worker #2: "It doesn't? Have you tried it?" * Co-Worker #1: "No. My cdrom drive is just 4 speed, and this CD has 16x on it." ======= I was talking to my 7th grade friends about cdrom drives a couple years back. I mentioned that I had a slower drive, only an 8x. One kid exclaimed, "Oh, mine's really fast. The tray goes in and out really quickly." ======= One time I was called at 6:40am by a customer who is now a member of the government. * Customer: "I tried to burn a CD for my backup, but it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Tell me, step my step, what you did." * Customer: "I put the blank CD in the CD burner, copied the files, burned the CD, printed a label, then pasted the label on the disk." * Tech Support: "Label?" * Customer: "Yeah, the label to protect the silver side of the disk." ======= At the company where I worked some years ago, the director had been walking around the floor and noticed a computer with "16x" on the cdrom drive. He immediately demanded that a 16 speed cdrom drive be ordered to replace the 4 speed drive in his own computer, because he just needed it to do his work. When the new drive arrived, the tech people swapped the drives and kept the old one for use somewhere else. But when they opened it, they found bits of polystyrene packing in it. The director had never even used his cdrom drive before. ======= Recently, my CD drive stopped working. I concluded that somehow a driver had been lost or corrupted. I emailed the company requesting a new driver. A few days later the driver was mailed to me, on CD. ======= * Customer: (kindly old grandmother type) "I can't install your software. I tried to follow the instructions, but it just isn't working. Can you please help me, young man?" * Tech Support: "Sure! Are you using the diskette or the cdrom version of our software?" * Customer: "The cdrom version." * Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95 or Windows 3.1?" * Customer: "Windows 95." I walked her through the basic steps of inserting the cdrom disk and getting to the 'Run' window. * Tech Support: "Now type 'd:\setup' and then press the enter key." * Customer: "It just gives me an error message, saying it can't find it." I tried several things. I tried different drive letters. I made sure the colon was actually a colon and the backslash was really a backslash. * Tech Support: "Let's remove the CD from the drive, and then I would like you to inspect the shiny side for visible scratches or smudges. If we clean them, you might be able to get the computer to read the setup file." * Customer: "I've taken it out. Do I have to slide this little metal shutter out of the way to see which side is shiny?" AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! (bang head, thump, thump, thump) * Tech Support: "No, let's just insert it back into the computer and try typing 'a:\setup'." ======= I recently helped my friend buy a new computer. I set it up for him and showed him all the basics. Several days later, he called me. * Me: "What's wrong with it?" * My Friend: "My CD drive is screwed up!" * Me: "What exactly happened?" * My Friend: "Well, remember you showed me how to load a CD? Before I turned on the computer, I took the CD out of the case and placed it on top of the computer right above the CD drive. When I turned on the computer, the CD drive tried to read the CD!" * Me: "What??" * My Friend: "I know it was trying to read it because I saw the little light flashing, so I took the CD off the top of the computer, and the lights stopped!" * Me: (stiffling laughter) "I assure you, it wasn't...oh, never mind." ======= In a training class for my place of work, I overheard a couple of young men sitting behind me. One happy fellow was telling his friend how fast his CD-RW drive was. "My CD drive is so fast. It goes over 100 km/h. You should hear it when it's burning the CD." And he started to imitate the sound his CD drive makes. I thought it sounded more like a Formula 1 racecar changing gears. He continued, "Look at this MP3 CD. I have reused it dozens of times, and it's still working. Not a scratch. You'd think it'd be in pieces by now, but it's still good, my CD drive is so gentle. It's only damaged on the edges. That's because the drive brakes so hard. It's speedy, so it has to brake between tracks when I'm burning music." Then he continued his poor imitation of a Formula 1 car. He went on about his 100 km/h cd-drive for about 10 minutes, but I wasn't really listening, as I was too busy trying not to laugh out loud. ======= One night I asked a customer which drive was his cdrom drive. He told me it was the one on top. ======= * Customer: "How do I get the other side of the CD to play?" ======= I work as help desk analyst at a company with about 800-900 users. An older lady called saying that she was unable to install the program of the CD she got from a friend. I tried asking a few simple questions to figure out what the problem was, but she insisted that she was computer illiterate, and it would be better if I came up and took a look. Thinking she was probably scared to install it herself in case something went wrong, I took a walk to see her. When I got there I asked what she had tried. "I can't seem to open this darn thing," she said. She was trying to open the CD case and had been for fifteen minutes without success. ======= I work as a computer consultant at a certain university computing site...so naturally, I was approached by a user on my day off at a site where I don't work. * Student: "I can't write to my disk!" * Tech Support: "Let me take a look." * Student: "See! It won't let me write to the E: drive!" * Tech Support: "Um, that's a CD-ROM drive. You can't--" * Student: "But I went out and bought these disks!" * Tech Support: "Um, you need a CD-R drive to use those, and--" * Student: "But this is a CD drive!" I explained that CD-ROM and CD-R drives use different types of lasers and optics, that CD-Rs cost a lot more than CD-ROMs, and that very few computers at this university have CD-Rs. * Student: "So what if I plugged this into the 220-volt line over there and jumped up the laser's power and...." I suggested he use a ZIP disk for his mass storage needs and exited post haste. ======= As a service technician I have to deliver and set up many computers. The majority of my clients are teachers and schools. While setting up several systems for a school one day, one of the teachers asked me to come and take her system back. Curious, I asked why. She replied back that the cdrom drive was not working. Well, knowing that the systems had no cdrom installed, I asked her what had it done wrong. She replied back that she put a CD in, and she couldn't get it back out. I walked back to her room, and she quickly pointed to the face of the system between two blank bezels and said, "I put it there in the cdrom drive, and it isn't working." I explained that the computer didn't have a cdrom drive because the school hadn't ordered one. Now furious with me, she ordered me to remove the system from her room. I obeyed and went to the principal. He told me to put it somewhere else where it would be appreciated. ======= * Customer: "What is this shiny record for?" * Tech Support: "The shiny record?" * Customer: "Yes, it came with the printer. It won't fit in the slot." * Tech Support: "What slot?" Slowly it dawned on me that the shiny record was a cdrom disk, and the slot was the 3 1/2" floppy drive. She had no idea what a CD was or how to use it. ======= Posted to comp.security.misc: I need to kow how to disable D: write-protection. I want to delete a very bad music CD I once bought. Contact me with info. at [email address]. ======= * Customer: "I just got this CD of Internet software in a gaming magazine. How do I install it on my Sony PlayStation?" ======= * Customer: "My computer is asking for a CD labeled 'Windows 95 CD-ROM', but I don't have this CD." * Tech Support: "Are you sure you looked in all the boxes that came with your computer." * Customer: "Yes, I checked everywhere." I pulled up her invoice and confirmed that the Windows 95 CD was shipped with her order. * Tech Support: "Do you have any CDs at all with your system?" * Customer: "Yes, I've got this Windows 95 CD." * Tech Support: (uh...) "That is the CD that the computer is requesting." * Customer: "No, it's not. This CD is labeled 'Windows 95', and the computer is asking me for a CD labeled 'Windows 95 CD-ROM'." ======= I was a programmer at a company that had only one copy of the Visual C++ CD. Initially, I had done a minimal install to save disk space. Later on, I needed the help files, so I tracked down the CD and tried to do a full install. This was unsuccessful -- I got read errors on the CD. Someone had decided that the CD key needed to be on the disk itself in addition to being on the sticker on the jewel case and had scratched it into the label side of the CD, destroying the disk. ======= * Customer: "I'd like to return this cdrom drive." * Salesman: "Ok, what was wrong with it?" * Customer: "It read the first side, but when I turned the CD over, it just said, 'Drive not ready.'" ======= * Customer: "I just got your version 5 CD, and I was tryin to install it over your version 4 CD, and I am having some problems." * Tech Support: "What kind of problems are you having?" * Customer: "It makes a funny sound and gives me a 'Cannot access drive D:\' error." * Tech Support: "Did you put the new CD in silver side down?" * Customer: "Yes. I am doing as the tech who sent me the CD told me to. I am installing it over the other version." * Tech Support: "Let's see if there are any scratches on your CD." * Customer: "Which one?" * Tech Support: "The one that is in the CD drive that you are installing." * Customer: "Sir, which one? I already told you I am installing over version 4." Could he have been trying to...? Naw. * Tech Support: "Sir, you must remove the version 4 CD that you have in your drive." * Customer: "I was told to install over it!" ======= One of our clients ordered an Quadra 840AV, but they did not want the internal CD which comes standard in that box. No problem, I took the CD out before I delivered it to the customer. However I did not have the blank bezel with which to cover the opening. I set the system up for them, gave them a quick lesson on its ins and outs, and told him I would be back in a couple of days to replace the bezel. I returned two days later, opened up the case of the 840 to install the new bezel and found about a dozen slips of used post-it note papers. Upon asking the operator about it I was told that she had put them in there because she thought that the original CD bezel, with it's long slim opening, looked like one of those trash recepticles they have on the ATM machines. ======= * Customer: (rather irate) "Your install CDROM doesn't work!" * Tech Support: "What error message are you receiving?" * Customer: "It says, 'File not found'." I verified that he is typing the correct command to run the install program. He is. * Tech Support: "Double click on the 'My Computer' icon." * Customer: "Ok, got it." * Tech Support: "Now double click on your CDROM drive icon." * Customer: "Ok. It says, 'File not found or device not ready'. Maybe I should just cancel my service since it's not working and go with another company!" * Tech Support: "Sir...did you put the CDROM in the CDROM drive?" * Customer: "Um, no. Do I have to do that?" ======= A client phoned up complaining that her PC had frozen with the cursor in the middle of the screen. The keyboard seemed locked as well so we couldn't kill the offending application. So I told her to switch off her computer and turn it back on again. After about twenty seconds she said it came back on and it was still frozen. I asked if she switched it off properly or if she just switched off the monitor. And she assured me that it was the computer she switched off. We did this again, just to be sure, and this time it only took five seconds to turn back on, still frozen. So I knew she was hitting the monitor button. I asked the question again, and she got a little uptight, saying there was only one button, and that's what she's pressed. We discussed TV-like items on her desk, and I asked if there was something else on or around her desk. After the list of pens and pencils and other assorted desk supplies, she mentioned her "CD holder." On a hunch I asked if this "CD holder" was two feet tall and beige. Sure enough it was. We switched it off and on, and it worked. She honestly thought the computer was just a place to keep her Windows CD. ======= * Customer: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" * Tech Support: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" * Customer: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" * Tech Support: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" * Customer: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." * Tech Support: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" * Customer: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CDROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. ======= I work as an unpaid tech aid at the Macintosh cluster at a school. One day I stepped out to do some repairs on a teacher's computer. When I came back, I discovered some kid had gotten his tongue stuck in a CD drive. ======= I once had a customer who had been trying to put his CD in his computer. He didn't have a CDROM drive so, naturally, the task was difficult. He could not figure it out, and finally ended up opening his system to try to put it in a card slot. I spent ten minutes explaining what his disk drive was and that he did not, in fact, have a CDROM drive. I sent a disk to him and explained how it goes in the system. When I was finished, I went in to the bathroom and laughed for about five minutes straight. Hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. ======= My mother does a lot of volunteer work at a thrift store and often brings me home cheap knick-knacks. One day she brought me home a blank CD that was supposed to look like a vinyl record. She told me that she paid $1.50 for it. I told her that it was pretty expensive for a blank CD, but it was a cool CD. Then I opened up the case, and it was empty. I am now the proud owner of a CD case! ======= I work in the entertainment department of a huge store. I was restocking CD-Rs when a middle-aged woman came up to me. * Her: "Excuse me, but what is in those colorful boxes? I'm looking for toys as a present for my nephew, and I just know he'd like a colorful box like that." * Me: "Well, the toy department is upstairs, b--" * Her: "...and in case they're jack-in-the-boxes, could I get one custom made, because I bet you don't have the color combination I'd like anyway." * Me: "They're...not jack-in-the-boxes, ma'am. They are CDs." * Her: "Oh! Kind of a big box for a CD. Does it come with lots of leaflets, or is it just air? I hate that way of--" * Me: "No, no, no, you see, there's ten CDs in one box." * Her: "Ten?! Oh my goodness, that's a lot of CDs. What kind CDs are they?" * Me: "Well, we have CD-Rs in these, and CD-RWs over here. These ones are scratchproof, so they cost a little more--" * Her: "Oh, I don't know about these modern things so much. Have you got any jazz?" * Me: "Excuse me?" * Her: "See, an old person like myself, I haven't even heard of scratchproof music before. I like jazz." I tried to hold my poker face for every cent of my hourly wage. * Me: "No, these CDs are empty. We have jazz over th--" * Her: "Yes, I was over there, and there was nothing new. I already have them all at home. But do you have any jazz in these bulk boxes?" * Me: "No, ma'am, I'm afraid we're all sold out of the jazz ones." * Her: "Well... this box is $8.99, and at the jazz section I'd pay more for only one CD!" * Me: "That's true, but these are empty, as I--" * Her: "This is a pretty good deal, ten CDs for less than a tenner!" * Me: "Undoubtedly, but--" * Her: "I'll take this!" * Me: "Ma'am, the CDs are empty. You won't hear anything." * Her: "Oh?" * Me: "I buy these myself all the time, and there's nothing on them." * Her: "Maybe your volume wasn't loud enough. Or you had unplugged your speakers?" When had she become tech support to me? * Her: "I'll buy these. This is very cheap. You are a good salesperson!" * Me: "Thank you, ma'am, but--" * Her: "I'll just have to see if my nephew listens to scratchproof." I took a long, long break after that one. Tech Support: "Ok, why don't you turn off error control and see if that clears the problem up." * Customer: "Turn off AIR control? What the heck is AIR control??" ======= An instructor in the BASIC programming language was teaching his class how to write a simple program and execute it. When each student had all their program steps keyed in, he told the class to type R-U-N and enter. A lady in the back of the class said that it didn't work. It turned out, when the instructor had said to type R-U-N, she had typed, "are you in." ======= * Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?" * Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me." * Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle] * Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e." * Tech Support: "Oh, sorry." ======= * Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'." * Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?" ======= * Customer: "How do you spell 'Internet America'? Is there a space between 'inter' and 'net'?" * Tech Support: "No space between 'inter' and 'net'. It's spelled normally." * Customer: "Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?" * Tech Support: "That's A-M-E-R-I-C-A." * Customer: "I-C-K???" * Tech Support: "'A' as in apple" * Customer: "There's no 'K' in apple!" ======= This customer had a thick, thick Appalachian accent. * Customer: "I need help! My screen has cancer all over it!" * Tech Support: "...What?" * Customer: "Whenever I click on something, I get cancer poppin' up all over. Cancer, cancer, cancer, everywhere is cancer poppin' up." * Tech Support: "Cancer? Ma'am, I don't think your computer can get cancer. What exactly are you doing?" * Customer: "When I usin' this, a thing comes up that says action cancer." * Tech Support: "Oh, Action Cancelled? What are you clicking when this happens?" * Customer: "What am I clickin'?" * Tech Support: "Yes, what are you clicking right now?" * Customer: "Rice, beans, and pataters, why?" ======= * Customer: "I was printing something." * Tech Support: "From before you called?" * Customer: "No, from Word." ======= * Tech Support: "Where in the building is your printer located?" * Customer: "Middle of my desk." * Tech Support: "If I have to give someone directions, where do I tell them to go?" * Customer: "In the middle of my desk where I work." ======= * Tech Support: "Well, sir, in that case I have to cancel the test and try again. So please leave your cable modem on this time." * Customer: (in a thick Russian accent) "What? You have cancer?" ======= When I was supervising a tech support call center for an ISP, one of my Russian-born employees asked me what "NT-Wirus" I used for my personal computer. I had to ask him multiple times what he meant by "NT-Wirus." He replied, "You know, when you don't want to get wiruses on your computer." It took me a full minute to come to the conclusion that he was asking about my anti-virus software. ======= * Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?" * Customer: "No, I'm alone right now." ======= * Tech Support: "Are you reading an error message to me?" * Customer: "No, I'm reading an error message to you." ======= * Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?" * Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them." ======= * Tech Support: "Type 'A' and press Enter." * Customer: "Didn't work." * Tech Support: "What did it do?" * Customer: "Nothing." * Tech Support: "Hmmm...I'll send you a new set of diskettes." The problem happened again. * Tech Support: "Hmmm...send me the diskettes back." They ran perfectly on my machine. I had her print her config.sys and autoexec.bat files, etc. No problems. I called her back. * Tech Support: "Type 'A' and press Enter." In the background, faintly, I heard these "tickety-tickety" sounds. * Tech Support: "What are you doing?" It turned out she was typing, "Type A and press Enter." The error message at the bottom of the screen apparently didn't count as "doing anything." ======= * Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" * Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) * Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" * Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" ======= * Customer: "I can't seem to connect to the Internet." * Tech Support: "Ah, right. What operating system are you running?" * Customer: "Netscape." * Tech Support: "No, what version of Windows are you using?" * Customer: "Uhhh...Hewlett Packard?" * Tech Support: "No, Right click on 'My Computer,' and select properties on the menu." * Customer: "Your computer? It's my computer!" * Tech Support: "No sir, I mean the little picture called 'My Computer' on your desktop." * Customer: "I don't see an icon called that on my desktop. I do see one called that on my screen." * Tech Support: "Right, just right click that, and choose Properties from the menu." * Customer: "Right click?" * Tech Support: "Just a moment, sir." (mutes phone) "AAAAAAAARGH." ======= I use to hang around at a little volunteer computer help forum at an online community, here in Norway. I stumbled upon a young girl who was having problems with a worm. * Girl: "I have a worm thing on my computer, and my anti-virus program couldn't delete it. But it gave me a link so that I could read about the worm. So I followed the removal instructions I found on that page, and it said: 'Download the removal patch, unzip it, and execute the removal patch. And I did what it told me." * Me: "Well, did you do exactly as the instructions told you to? Those worm removal patches seldom fail to remove the infection." * Girl: "Yes. I downloaded the patch, unzipped it, and deleted it." I reckon she misunderstood the term "execute" as to mean "delete." ======= Back in the 70s, disk drives were about the size of washing machines. One type had two disk platters: one was embedded and could not be removed except by a technician, and the other was in a large plastic shell and was easily removable. Each platter held five megabytes. Yes, that's right: five whole megabytes, an insignificant amount of space now but humongous then. Many used this dual platter drive to keep their operating system and database on the embedded one, and at the end of the day they'd copy it to the removable one. Then they would open the disk drive, take out the removable disk, store it in a safe, insert a new removable disk, and close the drive. Then they'd be ready for business the next day. We got a call one morning from a customer. He couldn't boot. One of the techs went over to have a look and found that the embedded disk had a bad sector. It would need to be replaced. * Technician: "The embedded disk is bad. Are you backed up?" * Customer: "Yes!" So the technician replaced the disk, snapped the old one in half so it would fit in the garbage can, and threw it away. * Technician: "I'm done -- she's all yours." * Customer: (after playing with the system a bit) "I can't find any of my data." * Technician: "Right -- you'll have to restore it." * Customer: "What does 'restore' mean?" * Technician: "Uh, it means you have to RESTORE it from a copy." * Customer: "Copy? What copy?" * Technician: "The one you make every night." * Customer: "WE DON'T HAVE A COPY!!!" * Technician: "When I asked you if you were backed up, you said YES!" * Customer: "We ARE backed up! We're SO backed up that we haven't had time to make any recovery disks!" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, sir, please click on the 'gateway' tab." * Customer: "You do know I have a Dell, right?" ======= In the late 1970s, my father worked in the technical support department of a computer company. This was the most memorable of his calls. * Customer: "Right, this computer's gone all crazy. It's blinking, beeping, and doing all sorts of stuff!" * Him: "What were you doing with the computer at the time?" * Customer: "I was dusting it." ======= The lady was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button. She mentioned the power strip, so I told her to flip it off. She said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel better." ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, do you see the button on the right hand side of your mouse?" * Customer: "No, there's a printer and a phone on the right hand side of my mouse." Hmmmm.... Let's try a different approach. ======= * Tech Support: "Click on 'cancel'." * Customer: "'Capital'?" * Tech Support: "'Cancel'!" * Customer: "It only says 'ok' and 'cancel'." ======= * Customer: "It tries to log in and then gives this error number. I forget what it was...uhm...six one something? Or was it seven...? Four something? Or was it--" * Tech Support: "Ok. Open up 'Dial-Up Networking'." * Customer: "Ok. I double clicked on the icon on my desktop. It's now dialing." * Tech Support: "No sir. Click on 'cancel'." * Customer: "What? There's nothing here that says 'connect'. There's just a 'cancel' button." * Tech Support: "Click on 'cancel' please!" * Customer: "Oh, now it says it couldn't connect due to an error..." * Tech Support: "Click on 'ok' please." * Customer: "...of type 619. I can't click on 'cancel'. There is an 'ok' button." * Tech Support: (sigh) "Click on 'ok' then." ======= I was showing a new user how to change her password. She was typing the new one in slowly and said to me, "I hope you're not reading my password." I replied that I was the system administrator and didn't need her password. She replied, "That's good to know. I wouldn't want you accessing my stuff." ======= I work in a computer lab for the business school of a large university. While most students have their own login name for our network, some students that rarely use the lab can use a generic student login that does not require a password. One such student came up to me at the help desk. * Student: "I'm trying to log in as student and it's telling me 'access denied'." * Me: "Did you read the instructions posted on the front desk?" * Student: "Yes, and it's still not working." * Me: "Did you just type 'student' for the user name with no password?" * Student: "Yes. Is 'no password' one word or two?" ======= Recently I overheard two co-workers, the first of which was training the other one. * Co-Worker #1: "A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false." * Co-Worker #2: "Umm...true?" ======= I used to work in tech support for a company in Sweden. Once a guy called and started talking in English. Well, I speak fairly fluent English, so this wasn't a problem. So I spoke English back, and we started troubleshooting his problem. After a little while I started to suspect something was up with this guy, because he didn't always seem to understand what I was saying, and he often fumbled for words. Right then, I heard a door open in the background, and a voice said, in Swedish, "Ready to go to lunch, Sten?" He answered in perfect Swedish. I put the customer on hold and tried not to spit my coffee out from laughing so hard. When he came back on the phone, he spoke in English, and I spoke in Swedish. After about five more minutes of him following my instructions, he said to me in English, "Hang on. I can't understand Swedish. Please speak English." The rest of the conversation was in english. ======= I work for an ISP. After two calls totaling 45 minutes with one customer, I asked him to bring his computer, in and I would configure it myself. He was a bit skeptical, so I assured him that he did not have to bring in the whole computer, just the CPU -- no monitor, cables, mouse or keyboard, just the CPU. He was not sure which part was the CPU, so I told him, "Just bring in the box -- the part with the CD-ROM drive and floppy drive." I explained this twice. Later he arrived with the cardboard box that his computer came in. I asked him where the computer was, he replied, "I thought you just needed to look at the box to see what model it was." ======= A lady struck up a conversation with me on an airplane. * Her: "And where are you going?" * Me: "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention." * Her: "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you." ======= I'm working as a tech support person at a Finnish newspaper printing and publication house, and we have several reporters that submit their files via a dial-in modem line directly to our layout system. Once one of the reporters wanted to call the tech support because the modem wasn't answering his calls, but the call was answered by a computer illiterate. * Reporter: "It seems that...eh, modem's out again." * Computer Illiterate: "Oh, just a minute. I'll go look for him." He proceeded to page the whole company through the central P.A. system. * Computer Illiterate: "Mr. Modem, Mr. Modem, there's a call for you." My co-worker intercepts, trying hard to keep a straight face. * Co-Worker: "Mr. Modem is on vacation. He won't be back till August." The computer illiterate returns to the phone and tells the reporter that our modem is on vacation till August. ======= Working as an ISP phone tech, I get calls from a good deal of customers who think I have ESP: * Customer: "I have a problem. OR, I have a question." Long pause. * Me: "Yes?" ======= I took a call from a customer who sounded like quite a nice old lady. Querying the customer database through the serial number, I found the customer's name to be "Carol" and her surname to be impossibly long and presumably Eastern European. Fortunately -- or so I thought at first -- she didn't want tech support and was only calling to claim a free software offer that was a part of the packaged bundle. I checked on the issue and the offer had expired a good three months before. * Me: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but the offer has expired." * Customer: "What?" * Me: "This offer has expired, ma'am, I'm sor--" * Customer: (her soprano turning into a growling contralto) "What do you mean it has expired? I've got the right to get my free CD! I paid for it! You will give me my CD." * Me: (explained again) * Customer: "Oh yeah? I'll talk to your supervisor, then." Sure, escalate the call, but she wasn't going to get it. I told her so in the nicest and sweetest of the tones I'm capable of. * Customer: "I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU ANY MORE. GET-ME-YOUR-SUPERVISOR!" Wow, talk about getting emotional. I called my supervisor who would take the escalated call and try to talk some sense into her, but he failed. The call escalated a second time as the area supervisor took the call and once more as the shift supervisor took over. I couldn't believe it. There we were, all four of us sitting in a row, listening to the call that -- for an encore -- got escalated once more. A customer satisfaction specialist took the call and didn't do any better. We decided to roll it around once more and patched her through another tech, who finally placed and solved the ACTUAL problem. * Tech Support: "Your name is Carol...what? Oh sure, yes SIR...sure, I'll fix your entry in our database right away." Or hanging jaws nearly hit the floor. "Carol" was A GUY -- even though he sounded like a Powerpuff girl -- and we had all been calling him "Ma'am" all along. The whole company laughed at this for almost a week. ======= This happened to me several years ago. The phone rang and I picked it up. It was my wife, Kitty, on the other end. She informed me that she was having problems printing out a report on the computer. The system was locked up and would not respond to the keyboard or the mouse. I told her reboot the system. She did. I heard the printer go through the startup cycle. I asked her to describe what the computer was doing. * Her: "The computer is on, the monitor light is on, and the printer is on!" * Me: "What is on the screen?" * Her: "A box with the instruction: install Kickstart 2.0x." * Me: "Kickstart? When did we get an Amiga?" * Her: "About six months ago? What's the problem?" * Me: "We have an Atari, and we've had it for 18 months." * Her: "What???" (high pitched squeak) "Sorry, wrong number!" (click) ======= One time I was trying to set up a customer's email program. I walked him through setting up an account with the incoming and outgoing server names set to "mail," but it didn't work. I tried again, and it still didn't work. I was starting to right out of ideas, and then the customer said, "If my mail server name is 'male,' does that mean my girlfriend's server is 'female'?" ======= I'm a manager at a company making firewalls. Ethernet firewalls. Still every month I get this free magazine called "Fire Protection" with the latest news about sprinklers, fire alarms, etc. Some poor company bought addresses of the wrong potential customers. ======= I've been doing tech support for the Internet division of our company now for almost two years. I recently came into work one morning, and on my desk was a letter that was written from one of our customers, who was having some problems with the Internet. Here is the letter, typed exactly as it was written. Dear sir, I have a problem with inlet hookup, 1) No (company name) home page 2) Unable to get to my e-mail 3) Micro, which do not know 4) Crazy action on micro 5) A call from you about a verse, which i do not about 6) I call the local office at (city) and told what was wrong and all i got was a chac number from the person answer the call - it was a woman 7) It Been 6 day now 8) What wrong (I do not know)? 9) Is this going to be set right? 10) I Done not know how to correct it (you may has to send a tech to fix it.) 11) Each time you make a change but, one time, something happy craz, 12) Never set in, away make differ move, which i do not know why? 13) Each time update, add things which do not know what all about. 14) Each time make more problem 15) I do not know why or what is gone on, when thing happen What is wrong? Why? Can you fix it? Need a set up of my compelet to correct the problem * Look like i am in dark and losing money Thank You! P.S. Why is it not smoot to run this with all problem and each time, when update more thing go wrong, than straight out. I had a hard time reading that letter. I went to my boss and asked him if he read it, and he said he only read part of it. I decided to call, against my better judgment, to see what was going on. I was on the phone with him for 30 minutes trying to figure out how to get him to get Internet Explorer up on the screen. I asked my boss if I could have him bring in the machine. The machine came in, and I took a look at it and found out exactly what the problem was. Every time we did a maintenance on our network, he changed his Windows 98 desktop theme. All his icons changed in size and shape. He wanted to have all his icons "locked in place," because apparently they kept moving on him. He kept moving his start bar around the sides of the screen, shifting the window and the icons around. The "verse" he makes reference to was the KAK viruses I had called him about earlier in the week. I also found out that his references to "micro" were either about Microsoft Internet Explorer or Outlook Express. The main problem was that Outlook Express wouldn't open. It just needed a re-install, and he would have been fine. * Customer: "You've sent me a disk but it doesn't seem to fit into the drive. It seems to be an inch too long." * Tech Support: "In order to make the disk fit into the drive, you have to make sure that the metal shield is toward the computer, and that the round wheel is downward." * Customer: "Ahh, that's better, but it still doesn't work." * Tech Support: "You have to push the disk in until the blue button pops out." * Customer: "Oh, now it works! How come it doesn't say that anywhere?" ======= A woman in a non-computer-related company attempted to install a large software package, requiring multiple 5 1/2" disks to install from. She placed disk 1 in drive A:, as instructed. Slightly bewildered when the computer prompted her for disk 2, she nevertheless obliged. But when it asked her to insert disk 3, she went to an office-mate and insisted that another disk would not fit in the drive. ======= At the time of this exchange, both 5.25" and 3.5" floppy disks were in common use. * Customer: "I need to buy some floppy disks." * Salesman: "Ok. What kind of a drive do you have?" * Customer: "Drive A." ======= A friend of mine and I worked at a leading hard drive manufacturer. One day he was asked to fill in for someone in tech support. Luck was not with him. One of his first calls was: * Customer: "I bought the hard drive. Now what?" ======= A friend of mine was providing UNIX support for a Large Company (which shall remain nameless). One of his users called up one day to report a problem on a DOS machine. Apparently, her floppy drive was giving general failure error messages when writing new files. My friend dutifully trotted down there to look at the problem. He foolishly neglected to bring a replacement for the drive. When he arrived, he found that this woman had put a floppy in with the little plastic disk sleeve still in it. The head was trashed and the drive had to be replaced. About three months later, this same woman calls back with the same problem. This time my friend, now savvy to the wiles of this particular user, grabbed a replacement drive, then trotted on down to visit. When he got there, he found the drive with two 3.5" floppies shoved into it all the way. When he asked why (big mistake), she replied, "I was out of high density disks, so I figured I could just use two low density ones instead." ======= I was at a library computer when I turned to see a boy at the computer next to me. He was getting very frustrated. He seemed to be having trouble signing on. Why? He was attempting to sign on by placing his library card in the floppy drive. ======= I once received a call from a customer who was determined he had a failing hard drive. The problem was that his computer wouldn't boot to Windows unless it tried three or four times in succession. His explanation was that this was because the hard drive wasn't "spinning far enough" to find the file it needed to boot. After each attempt, though, the hard drive would spin far enough over until finally it could find the file it needed to boot. Needless to say, that wasn't it. ======= I had a call from our Science Librarian that her floppy drive wouldn't accept any disks. Our librarians misassume that they are all power users, and she had taken it upon herself to disassemble the drive (it was an external drive to a laptop) and couldn't visually find a problem, so she asked that I order a new one. Well, policy is to inspect a part ourselves before ordering a new one, so I went to her office to check the drive. When I got there she demonstrated that one could not insert a floppy into the drive. But I noticed that instead of the eject button being below and to the right of the slot, it was above it and to the left. I turned the drive over, inserted a disk, and, amazingly, considering that she had taken the thing apart, it worked fine. ======= I work for a company that does technical support for a floppy drive manufacturer. I got a call from a customer who was absolutely hysterical saying that she was going to report us to the Attorney General because we were selling a product that was worthless. After finally getting her calmed down enough to talk fairly rationally, the conversation went something like this: * Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem with our drives?" * Customer: "They don't work! I've had three of the &*@$# things and none of them work. It's against the law to sell a product that you know is worthless, and you're not going to get away with it any longer!" * Tech Support: "What's the problem with them?" * Customer: "They won't let me write to the disk! You people ought to be ashamed of yourselves!" * Tech Support: "Does it give you any kind of error message?" * Customer: "You're %#^$%@ right it does! The same one every &*^#@ time! They all say, 'Write protect error reading drive A:'! What's the use of a floppy drive if you can't write to the &*#&$* thing!?" At that point I put the customer on mute for a few moments while I composed myself, summoned some patience and self-control, and explained to her how to solve that problem. Did she apologize? Of course not! She flew into another tirade that we didn't include sufficient documentation with our product and wanted to know what we were going to do to reimburse her for her time and inconvenience. ======= * Customer: "I need a new floppy drive." * Tech Support: "If yours is broken, we'll replace it. Your system is still under warranty." * Customer: "Oh, no! The system works fine! I'm thrilled with it." * Tech Support: "So you're looking for a second drive to copy disks?" * Customer: "No, I just need a new one." * Tech Support: (pause) "Ok, is there any particular reason?" * Customer: "Mine's used up." * Tech Support: "Used up? Like I said, if it's broken, we will replace it for free." * Customer: "No, it still works. I just installed some software with it, and now it's used up." After some time we arrived at the crux of the misunderstanding, and I calmly showed him that if he pushed the little button on the drive, his disk would come back out. He left a happy man, checkbook safely back in his pocket. ======= A young lady came and asked why she could not open a file that she had saved to the network. I went with her to the PC she was using and opened the file in question without difficulty. * Me: "That seems ok." * Her: "Yes, it's ok here, but when I get home and look in my college folder on the C: drive, it's not there. I want this fixed. I'm already late handing in my assignment." ======= I work in a hospital, and I'm always having trouble with the computer, but it's seldom my fault. My boss thinks otherwise. * My Boss: "You're the last one who used the computer last night, and it froze." * Me: "Yes...but everyone told me to reboot, and it would be ok." * My Boss: "Well, the technician told me that you have fractured the hard drive by pressing 'Esc'. Now you have to pay for the repair." ======= The customer called to order a new hard disk drive for his computer. He wanted a 20 meg hard drive (this was some time ago) for his IBM PS/2. He received the drive but called back, complaining that it was the wrong thing. He said he didn't need a hard drive but rather a 3 1/2" floppy drive. And if we couldn't get him a 3 1/2" floppy drive that would store 20 megs, he didn't want it and would go elsewhere. [Editor's Note: Phil Wood wrote in to point out that, although this customer was undoubtedly confused, there was something called a floptical drive, introduced in late 1991, that could store 20 megs of data on what looks like an ordinary 3 1/2" floppy disk.] ======= A "cannot access drive A:" error turned out to be due to a user putting the 5 1/4" diskette in the tiny gap between drives A: and B: and then closing the drive A: door. ======= Once, way back, when I worked in a computer superstore service center, one of our techs opened up a box to do some professional grade fiddling around inside. He fished out about ten 5 1/4" floppies. After a round of phone calls, he pieced it together. Every time a secretary saw the "insufficient memory" error, she would shove a floppy in the little gap between the drives to add more memory to her machine. ======= A tech advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put his phone down and was heard walking across the room and shutting the door to the room. ======= * Customer: "Can I get a hard drive with a cdrom drive built into it?" ======= Last year, my landlord came over, complaining of problems with his hard drives. He fancies himself a hardware expert, and he couldn't understand why his brand new hard drive wasn't working. It turned out he thought he could increase his hard drive space by taking the platters out of his small drive and putting them into his brand new 10 gig one. ======= In the process of doing a backup on a Mac, I was once given this peculiar instruction: * "Please insert disk drive." ======= * Customer: "What do I do now?" * Tech Support: "One way to resolve this would be to delete files to free up space." * Customer: "Which files should I delete?" * Tech Support: "Delete files that you have created that you no longer need." * Customer: "I can't do that. ALL of my files are important. Isn't there another way?" * Tech Support: "Well, you could get a bigger hard drive." * Customer: "A BIGGER HARD DRIVE! The thing already takes up most of my desk space. How much bigger does it have to be?" ======= * Friend: "Man my hard drive is outdated." * Me: "How big is it?" * Friend: "Um, I think it's 56K." ======= I got a call one day from a woman who wanted to delete a file and reclaim some valuable hard disk space on her Macintosh. * Customer: "I've dragged the file to the desktop, and I still don't have the disk space." * Tech Support: "The file is still on your hard disk. You've got to click and drag it into the trash can." * Customer: "I still don't seem to have the disk space." * Tech Support: "You've got to click on 'Empty Trash', and that will permanently delete the file. Then you'll have that disk space back." * Customer: "Permanently delete the file? But what if I need it?" ======= * A Friend: "Does my hard drive get heavier when I put more data on it?" ======= I had a call from a customer who said that his floppy drive recently stopped reading disks. I suggested that he clean out the dust from the drive. * Customer: "I can't." * Tech Support: "Huh?" * Customer: "The dust won't move." Finally, I found out that he had been using spray glue near the machine. ======= A customer came into our store one day wanting to buy a tape-backup drive. Normally this wouldn't have been a problem, but that day the only drives we had in stock required a 1 meg per second floppy controller. * Customer: "I'll take that 3.2 gig tape backup drive." * Me: "Do you know what kind of floppy controller you have?" * Customer: "Of course I do. It's on my motherboard." * Me: "Do you know how fast it is?" * Customer: "That's none of your business." * Me: "Is it 1 meg per second?" * Customer: "You don't need to know that." * Me: "The only motherboards we carry that support this drive are the P-II motherboards, so..." * Customer: "I didn't buy my board here." * Me: "Well, this drive will only work if you have a 1 meg per--" * Customer: "Look here, son, I know more about computers from working in the field than you get out of your college classes. I know what I'm talking about. Sell me the drive." I sold him the drive. He returned it the next day. His floppy controller wasn't fast enough. ======= We used to supply Xenix systems. For some obscure reason Xenix's fsck command required the name of a scratch file during startup on every boot. One customer typed in /dev/hdroot0 -- the root disk block device -- as the scratch file and consequently wiped the whole hard disk. He typed this, he explained, because it was displayed on the screen just before the scratch file question. ======= * Tech Support: "What exactly happened?" * Customer: "Well, I tried to download netscape, but the connection kept dropping." * Tech Support: "Ok, then what?" * Customer: "Well, I couldn't find the file to delete it, so I formatted my hard drive." * Tech Support: "What?" * Customer: "Yes. Do you know somewhere I can download DOS?" ======= I talked to a guy whose wife taught computer classes. At the start of her class, she had her students bring in a floppy disk and format it. This was roughly 1986 or 1987, so it was a good place to start. But at the beginning of the first class period, she was greeted by a technician who informed her that all the computers had been upgraded with hard drives. She thought that was great. So when class started, she told her students that they would use hard drives rather than their floppies. First step: format C:. After telling me this story, the teacher's husband laid all the blame on the tech who installed the hard drives. ======= * Customer: "My hard drive is messed up." * Me: "Could you give me the error message or the problem?" * Customer: "I added up all the space taken up in the folders, and there should be more space free on the hard drive." My jaw dropped at this point. This guy had actually taken the time to physically add up all the space taken up by his files and directories in File Mangler. Turns out, he didn't add the sub-directories into the equation. Oops. ======= A customer called complaining that his new computer had a hard drive problem. When asked to describe this, he told me he ran out of space on his C: drive. I spent fifteen minutes trying to explain that the drive was segmented into three partitions -- C:, D:, and E:, and all he had to do was use the available installer on his desktop to change the installation path. He responded that that couldn't be right, because he had friends with computers, and none of them ever had to do that. He refused the read the manual, do what I suggested, or call anyone else for support. ======= * Customer: "All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!" * Tech Support: "Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?" * Customer: "No, I don't. I just know it was on my C: drive." * Tech Support: "Ok, I'll walk you through how to find the files." * Customer: "I wouldn't think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday." ======= * Tech Support: "Thank you for calling. How can I help you?" * Customer: "Help!" * Tech Support: "What's the problem, sir?" * Customer: "My drive started making funny noises, so I put my finger in it to see what was wrong, and now I CAN'T GET IT OUT!!" After muting the customer for a few seconds to regain my composure, I calmly suggested that the man hang up and call 911. The funniest part is that this guy actually waited on hold for over ten minutes before he was able to reach a tech. ======= A customer brought in a Macintosh SE with a diskette stuck in the disk drive. Even using a paper clip in the manual eject hole would not eject the disk. Upon disassembling the disk drive, I discovered why. The customer had a fondness for carrying 3.5" disks in his front shirt pocket. He had also put his Visa Gold Card in his front pocket that day. It managed to lodge itself on the back of the disk by slipping under the metal shutter. Without knowing, he had inserted the disk, Visa and all, into the drive. The customer charged the repair fee. ======= I have a user who travels with his zip drive. He is constantly forgetting to plug one end of the cable into the computer, and the other end into the zip drive. He instead, plugs both ends into the zip drive, forming a loop, which is in no way hooked to the computer. ======= I had a user who had pulled a 3 1/2" floppy out of a disk drive with pliers because she "didn't know what that little button was for." She had left all the metal parts inside the drive and then had the gall to ask if the data was ok and get irate when we told her no. ======= I came into work one morning to find that someone had messed around with my computer. It was powered off, and my external hard drive was facing the opposite direction. So I asked around. The culprit turned out to be my team leader, who sits in the desk next to me. Her computer had been running slowly, and somehow she'd gotten the idea that it was because of my external hard drive. ======= * Customer: "Can you put some more hard drive space on a floppy and bring it over to my office?" ======= A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me, I was with another friend. He thought it was a good idea too. ======= * Customer: "My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't fit!" ======= A customer called complaining that his "hard drive won't boot." After determining there was a floppy disk in the A: drive, I suggested that the customer remove it. Later, when I arrived, I found he had successfully removed the entire floppy drive from the machine. ======= A woman dialed tech support for a large computer manufacturer. She complained that her computer was "eating" her disks. * Tech Support: "Eating your disks?" * Customer: "Well I've inserted over twenty of them and still can't save to the floppy drive." After a long frustrating call, the customer service representative sent a tech over to the woman's home. He was dumbfounded by what he saw. One of the front face plates on the case was missing. Inside the computer, at the bottom of the case, were exactly twenty floppy disks in a pile. ======= Back when the PS/2 first came out I was setting up a bunch of machines for a Big Eight accounting firm here in Chicago. Management at the company did not want their users having floppy drives because that was just another hole for a virus to enter their network. The funny thing about those old PS/2's is that the front of the CPU had the disk slot and eject mechanism even if there was no drive in the bay (later fixed, of course). Thus, we sent email out to everyone describing this anomaly and put tape over the disk slot. Needless to say, after a mere month, nearly every CPU had diskettes lying on the motherboard. ======= A customer said the floppy drive on her Mac wasn't working. The case had a nice rectangular 3 1/2" in the front, but there was no sign of the diskette. I popped open the cover, and there was the diskette sitting on the motherboard. Only then did I notice two or three pieces of plastic sitting next to the monitor. A question or two solved the mystery. The computer had been purchased without a floppy drive, so a cosmetic plastic snap-in strip had been placed over the empty floppy hole. She had pried the strip out with a nail file and shoved the floppy in. I put the case down as a "customer attempted upgrade." ======= Once in casual conversation I accidentally mentioned that I "work with computers and stuff." This was a big mistake, because the response was, "Really? Well, my hard drive broke down and there's some data I would like to retrieve." It was a physical drive error. Lots of noises...probably a faulty bearing. Nothing I could fix with software skills. "But professional recovery services are too expensive," he went on. "Isn't there anything you could do? Open it up maybe? The data is stored with a magnetic field, right? So if we remove the head, surely one could read it out with a magnet? Maybe a tiny one?" I briefly shuddered at the thought of reading several gigabytes of binary data bit by bit with a microscope and a magnetic needle and closed the thread of conversation. ======= A girl from my class (a blonde) once called me and complained that her computer would not boot up anymore. I asked her what she had done. She calmly replied, "Oh, I simply opened the hard disk properties tab and pressed the 'compress' button to increase the capacity. But it was taking too much time, and I got bored, so I shut it off." ======= I worked for a small college in the 80s. My job was to keep several ATs and a few XTs running. One department complained about a hard drive losing files. They backed it up to tape every night, so they just restored the missing files and went about their duties. But it kept happening, and so they called me in to investigate. I could not find anything wrong with the drive, but I replaced it anyway and rebuilt the drive from the backup tape. While I was talking with someone there about the issue, a woman asked if anybody was using the PC. She sat down at it, opened her textbook, and keyed in a few commands. After a while, she started to look around nervously. Then she closed the book and left. Curious, I looked at the PC and noticed the drive was blank again. I ran after the woman and asked her what she had been doing. She said she couldn't get any of the commands to work, so she quit using the PC and left. She showed me her book, specifically the chapter called "How To Work With Files." Then she showed me the chapter before it, entitled "How To Format a Drive." She said the teacher had told her to do that chapter first, before anything else. The book and the class assumed a PC with only a floppy drive and left out the step about switching floppies. ======= This happened in the early 80's, when I was a programmer for Accu-Weather. We had needed DEC field service to come out and deal with our PDP-11's latest hardware problem, but when I called, I was told they were only taking criticial emergency calls at that time. All of the techs from the local field office were busy on another site -- HRB-Singer, a local defense contractor. When they finally made it to us and our problem, I heard the rest of the story. It seems that HRB-Singer had a bank of about a dozen drives. Now, this was back in the days of washing-machine sized drives and big removable disc packs, the kind with a stack of aluminum platters and covers that would serve to protect a decent-sized birthday cake. One of their drives suffered a head crash with a particular disc pack. The night operator, apparently not sure if the problem was with the drive or the disc pack, stuffed the pack into the next drive in line, crashing that one, too, as the heads encountered the plowed-up aluminum from the first crash. He then proceeded to put that increasingly lethal pack into every single drive in the room, in some instances physically ripping the heads from their brackets. Since the disc pack was from DEC, the first drive's problems were covered under their service contract. The following 11, however, were not. I hate to imagine what their bill must have been. They had the entire staff of the DEC field office, four techs, out there for a week with cases and cases of heads, installing and aligning new ones. If I recall correctly there were 14 heads per drive, a total of 168 heads, each and every one of which had to be installed, aligned, calibrated, and tested. Which is why none of their other customers could get maintenance to come for anything that wasn't actually on fire for most of that week. * Customer: "If I want somebody to send a reply to my email...should I include a self-addressed stamped envelope along with it?" ======= Tech Support through email: * Customer: "I CAN'T READ OR RECEIVE EMAIL! HELP!" We're only allowed to reply through email, so I almost deleted it. But I reconsidered. * Tech Support: "Yes you can." ======= The following letter was received, through email, mind you, to a friend of mine: Apparently I have read-only access with the email, but my boss would like me to be able to send messages as well. Is there any way this can be established with my account? ======= I actually had this emailed to me once: Help! I can't find your email address. What is it? ======= My friend was organizing a kids' summer theater camp with which I was assisting. He had prepared some online information sheets and asked me to email them out. "You can use my account to send out the email," he said. So I asked him for his user ID and password so I could log into his account. He got a little huffy and said, "You don't need any of that! Just use the link in the bottom of the email I sent you!" Surprised, I double-checked the email that he had sent me. At the bottom of it was his email address. I clicked on it, and a "New Message" window popped up with his name in the "To:" box. He somehow thought that giving out his email address would allow other people to use it to send messages. ======= One time I was on a school computer when a girl approached me. She asked what I was doing. I said that I was checking my mail. She looked at the Gmail login screen and hesitated. Then she said, "Wow, all this time I thought it was called Email." ======= I used to work as a web developer at a small company. We specialized in custom designed web sites and would often send alerts about activity on the site to a client's email. It surprised me how some companies (or individuals) would plop down several thousand dollars to have a site built, yet not have the slightest idea how to use email. One client vented their frustration with this "new" email technology (this was 2005) by saying he was upset that he was limited to the size of his emails. At first we thought he was referring to the size of email attachments. He went on to explain that he'll go to type an email and have to end the message before he "runs out of room." He seriously thought that once his message reached the "bottom" of the text area that that was the limit to how long the email could be. He was absolutely amazed when we showed him how you could type beyond the visible area, and the text would just "keep on getting bigger." ======= A few years ago I worked at a computer shop. One time a woman overheard me answer the phone and came storming over to me. * Her: "So you're the one who won't let me email my son!" * Me: "Excuse me?" * Her: "Well, I bought my computer here and you guys set up my Internet." * Me: "Yes...?" * Her: "Every time I try to email my son, YOU email me back saying you won't deliver my message." * Me: "Ma'am, I don't have anything to do with delivering email to anyone, and I'm sure I haven't sent you any messages." * Her: "I just heard you tell the person on the phone that YOU were Damon." ======= Received at our tech support email account: I send a message to myself and find an email with attachment from my email address coming together. The attachment file is not on my computer. So I do not think the problem comes from my computer. I have an idea that maybe your email server has been hackered by somebody. Will you kindly check my email account or some other email account to see if there exists similar phenomena? ======= There's a long time customer of ours who has built quite a reputation around the support desk for being a complete and utter moron. He's been online longer than most teenagers but still hasn't grasped any of the fundamentals about windows, email, web pages, passwords, you name it. When he sends complaints to our support mailbox, he sends them in 18 point bold Verdana and only sends one sentence at a time. For the most part, if he needs another sentence, then he needs another email. Of course, anything that happens to him while he's online is the direct result of something we did. These two messages were in my box this morning, spaced about thirteen minutes apart. you passworded my email and I cannot get in Thanks ...and... Disregard last mesagge. Damn windiws did it. ======= When I started working here, I got myself all the computer accounts I needed, including an email account. I was given my passwords for all systems except email. After about a week, I called up the appropriate person to find out what the problem was and was told that my password had been emailed to me. ======= * Customer: "Help! I'm stuck trying to send you an email." * Tech Support: "Ok, what kind of problem are you having?" * Customer: "I'm not sure where to buy stamps for my email." * Tech Support: "You don't need stamps. Email is free!" * Customer: "You sure it won't bill me for it? If so, I can send you money." * Tech Support: "It's FREE." ======= My friend called me up one night and asked me to help him with a problem he was having sending email. * Friend: "I can't send any email to you." * Me: "So what's the problem? Are you getting any error messages?" * Friend: "No, but everytime I try to go to your email it asks me for your password, and you never gave it to me!" It turned out he was trying to get into my Hotmail account to send me an email. ======= I work on the database for an IT recriutment company in the UK. One day an applicant emailed his resume in. It was a one page MS Word document, around 10K, but he apparently thought that this would take too long to send, so he compressed it with Winzip. Twice. Each time, he added the Winzip self-extractor program. The final size of his attached file was over 5 megs. The worst part is that he was applying for a Network Manager job, which would have given him my annual wage per month to manage 700 users. ======= * Customer: "I get this error when I check my mail. It says, 'There are no new messages.'" ======= Once, I had a caller insist I come visit her at home, because she had all kinds of errors on her computer. I took the 25 minute trip and discovered that the "errors" were spam emails that had found their way to her inbox. Essentially she paid me for deleting her junk mail. ======= A customer was inquiring about the features of a certain machine. Among his questions was, "Does it come with an email?" ======= A few years back I was working at the helpdesk for an Internet provider where people could get a cheap email account. * Customer: "Hi, I want to change my email address." * Tech Support: "Of course, sir, may I ask why?" * Customer: "I think it's too long." * Tech Support: "Can you tell me what your email address is now?" * Customer: "firstnamelastnamestreetadresszipcodeandphonenumber@[isp].nl." ======= * Customer: "I tried sending email to 1.404.123.4567 but the emailer wouldn't let me." * Tech Support: "Um, that's a telephone number." ======= I helped someone set up his email account a while back. I realized how big a task it would be when I walked him through sending email, and he didn't understand why "all psychiatric patients in North America" wouldn't work as an email address. ======= * Tech Support: "How may I help you?" * Customer: "I'm writing my first email." * Tech Support: "Ok, what seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "Well I can get the 'a'. But how do I put the circle around it?" ======= * Customer: "I send you all this email, but I never get a response from you? Why? I don't like your service. Answer me before I cancel!" There was no return address on the email, and the Reply-To: field was set to 'mail'. ======= I had a user say that the email messages she was trying to send would come back undeliverable. I went to her machine to take a look. The two messages in her out basket had valid email addresses in the To: line, but the text of her message was stored in the Cc: and Bcc: lines. This user had been using the same computer and the same email program for over a year. ======= I run a Majordomo mailing list, and I got copied on all errors that get sent out to users who try to subscribe or unsubscribe automatically. Once I received this: MAJORDOMO ABORT (mj_majordomo)!! Majordomo@uidaho.edu: 129, West, Third, St., M****, ID, 8**** is not a valid return address. Evidently they don't quite understand the meaning of an email return address. (The address was censored to protect the guilty.) ======= Sometimes sent out by ListBot, a mailing list server: This is an automatically generated message created by the ListBot system. This is a warning message to let you know that your mail is bouncing. If this email reaches you, then please disregard this message. Thanks! Sincerely, The MSN ListBot Team http://www.listbot.com/ ======= Someone once called me and asked me why she just received a satanic mail from us. I was a bit confused at first, and it took a few minutes to realize that she had received a message with the subject, "Message from MAILER-DAEMON." ======= Email sent to a mailing list server: I have tried to unsubscribe, but a message appears saying that my user's name is incorrect. I have been using the same name for 77 years and should know whether it is correct or not. ======= Overheard in a class: * Student: "I'm so glad you're giving this email class. I can't wait to find out how to send a fax from my cell phone!" ======= My boss decided he had to have a computer. Bad idea. * Boss: "It's ON! I have CLOUDS! Come show me how to work this web thing!" So I teach him how to send email. To send to me, he has to type all of five letters, plus the "@aol.com" part. * Boss: "Do I have to type ALL of this WHOLE thing every time? Can't you fix it so it knows I want you?" After I put myself into his address book: * Boss: "Do I have to do ALL this clicking, clicking, clicking every SINGLE time? Just fix it so it knows I want you." ======= * Boss: (brandishing a newspaper ad) "Sign us up for this Earthlink thing!" * Me: "We don't need that. It's just another ISP. We have AOL." * Boss: (blank stare) * Me: "A...O...L. That's our ISP." * Boss: "But I want to send email to (his friend), and HE's on EARTHLINK! We can't send email to him on Earthlink while we're using that AOL thing!" * Me: "Sure we can. We can send email to anywhere we like." * Boss: "No, that's impossible. I've looked into it...we have to be on Earthlink, too. And that Netmeeting and Microsoftnet...we're just going to have to join them all. Will I need a different e-dress for every one, do you know?" ======= * Customer: "I can't get my email." * Tech Support: "Ok. Can you surf the web?" * Customer: "What?" * Tech Support: "I just want to know if you can visit any web sites. That will tell me if you're connected." * Customer: "What are web sites? I just use this to download my email." This guy was paying $40 per month for high-speed cable Internet access, and all he could do was send email. * Tech Support: "No problem. I can show you that later. Right now I need you to start your email program." * Customer: "Aren't you listening? It's already started. I just can't get any email." * Tech Support: "Can you click the send and receive button for me?" * Customer: "I did that and nothing happens! I told you that!" * Tech Support: "All right, sir. We'll just take a look at your preferences." Ten minutes later I finally finished walking him through his account settings in Outlook Express. * Customer: "You screwed something up! Now it keeps giving me an error message!" * Tech Support: "Ok, what does the message say?" * Customer: "It says YOU entered an invalid email address." * Tech Support: "Let's go back to the 'General' tab and double-check your address." * Customer: "It says xxxx-at-home-period thingee-com." * Tech Support: "Can you read it to me letter by letter?" * Customer: (growling) "It says x-x-x-x-a-t-h-o-m-e--" * Tech Support: "Ok, let's stop right there. I want you to type 'xxxx,' then the '@' symbol, not the word 'at'." * Customer: "What the hell are you talking about?" * Tech Support: "Have you got the 'xxxx' part done?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Then I want you to hold the shift key and hit the number '2' key." * Customer: "At the same time? Are you trying to break it?" * Tech Support: "Trust me, sir, this will work." After we finished with that, he got even more upset because he didn't have any email to receive. ======= * Customer: "I can't get my email!" * Tech Support: "What's the exact problem you're having?" * Customer: "I called in earlier and I was told to go to Eudora to check for mail, but there's no Eudora channel." * Tech Support: "Where are you looking for Eudora?" * Customer: "I'm in mIRC of course." ======= Doing phone support for a software company, we had a customer that needed an update to our program. We told her that we had placed it in her mailbox, and it was there waiting on her to pick it up (our customers had "mailboxes" on our dial up server). She told us it wasn't there, so we asked her to check again just to be sure. She said ok, put the phone down, and was gone for about five minutes. Finally she came back and said, "It's still not there. I knew it wouldn't because our postman only comes around 11:00am." She had walked outside and checked her street mailbox. ======= We are graphic designers based in the Netherlands. We recently did a job for a charity in London, which was sponsored by a large computer company. In order to complete the job, we needed a copy of the computer company's logo. In due course, we received an email with a TIFF file of the logo. The text of the email asked that we return the TIFF file when we had finished with it. We did. ======= The company I work for recently sent out (completely voluntary) customer information cards, asking for the customer's name, home address, and email address. On more than one card, the email address field was filled in with the word "same" and an arrow pointing to the home address field. ======= I have a user who still insists that he should not have to dial in to get his remote e-mail. The computer should just know to turn it on. When he asked if the other remote users in the company knew this, I said, "Well, I have never had this question before." He accused me of calling him stupid and proceeded to call his manager to complain about our service. His manager laughed him off the phone and signed him up for training. ======= I run a mailing list. Like most others, it's set up so if you send email to the list with "unsubscribe" in the message, you'll be unsubscribed from the mailing list automatically. I should tell you how many times I've seen "unsubscribe" spelled. People get so mad at me because "it doesn't work right" when they fail to realize that they've misspelled "unsubscribe." This is a quote from one such person, who wasn't even consistent: * "Hi. I try unbuscribe but it not let me unsubbscibe. Please unsubscibe me NOW!" ======= The following was received via email from a customer: Dear Help Desk: Hmmm. This appeared in my inbox as I was writing you about Outbox trouble. So, apparently that email sat in my outbox BUT was also delivered... so I just BET the computer thinks I was sending it from the LS Mailbox, whence mail DOES sit in the outbox even if it was delivered. That was a forwarding of a message which had ORIGINALLY come into the LS mailbox BUT I had moved it into MY inbox before forwarding. I guess the computer remembered where it had originally arrived, does that make sense? This is this not a PAB problem but a Shared Inbox thing, a feature not a bug? ======= * Customer: "Your service stinks." * Tech Support: "Um, what seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "I can't email." * Tech Support: "Ok, what error message comes up when you try?" * Customer: "'Mailer Daemon error: the address you are attempting to reach does not exist.'" * Tech Support: "May I ask what email address you were trying to send to?" * Customer: "'www.jvim.com'" * Tech Support: "Oh. Well, that's a web address, not an email address. If you want to email someone at jvim.com, the email address would probably be in the format name@jvim.com." * Customer: "Oh, ok." * Tech Support: "Email addresses always have that @ symbol in them." * Customer: "So that one won't work -- how about www.abc.com?" * Tech Support: "Er, that's also a web address. Anything that begins with www is a web site." * Customer: "Ok. I get it. So I can only email them from Netscape?" ======= The General Manager of one of our subsidiaries needed to send some information regarding the network problems they were having to my supervisor, the network analyst. My supervisor told the GM to write him an email. Which he did. The guy opened up Outlook, addressed the message, and typed it up. Then he printed it out and faxed it. ======= I work at a help desk that supports several offices around the country, and I got a call from one of our regulars who was having trouble with a specific email message. All other messages worked fine, just the one message with an attachment was causing the issue. I asked her to forward the message to me, and I would take a look at the file to see if I could recreate the issue on my machine. I told her I would call back after I got the message and had a chance to test it. I moved on to another call and honestly forgot about it. Three days later an envelope arrived for me with a photocopy of the email, with the icon for the attachment highlighted and circled. It is now posted on the department bulletin board. ======= Cut directly from our support log: > jim, when i send e-mail! do i use ink, like if i was writing? i > had to put in new ink in > my printer, so i was wondering if e-mail use'es ink. > thank you ======= A client brought his PC into the office. "Eudora just doesn't work!" he complains. The tech opened Eudora. Five minutes later it opened. He had about 200 letters minimized. * Customer: "Whaddaya mean, 'I need to close them'? Aren't they closed?" ======= * Customer: "I've been away a few days and it seems my mail has built up to the point where I can't get it anymore." Small wonder. It turned out, the user had 30,000 messages in his email box. ======= This morning someone came barging into my office, panic stricken, and frantic. "All my mail I saved in one of my folders is gone!!!" she said. I asked her which folder she had saved it to. "Deleted Items," she said. ======= * Friend: "Is there a limit to the amount of mail you can store in 'Deleted Items'?" * Me: "I'm not really sure. Why do you ask?" * Friend: "I've lost a lot of my stored emails." * Me: "Er. Where did you put them?" * Friend: "'Deleted Items.'" ======= A few months ago we had panicked users stating that they couldn't get to their mail and were getting error messages. Lo and behold, the mail directory had been moved to our server. (We use a single database oriented mail system.) When we went into the console to find out where, when, and who moved the mail directory, we found that it had been moved by a user. (Users need full read, write, and modify access to the mail folder beause it is a shared database -- a setup like this is itself a computer stupidity.) When questioned why she did this, she replied, "The network needed cleaning up." ======= Someone here at work, who just couldn't grasp the big picture of computers and computer networks, had something go wrong with his workstation and, for the day, had to use a different one in another lab. When he read new email from the second workstation, he replied, "How did you know what machine to send it to?" ======= * Customer: "I can't get my email." * Tech Support: "What software are you using?" * Customer: "What do you mean?" * Tech Support: (sigh) "What do you get your email on?" * Customer: "My computer." ======= * Customer: "Yes, I just got this disk in the mail for ten hours. Does it give me email? * Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, it does." * Customer: "Well, can I have my answering machine hooked up so that I can just check my email from my answering machine?" * Tech Support: "Well, no, ma'am, it does not work that way." * Customer: "Now, you listen, young man, there is no reason for you to get smart with me!" * Tech Support: "No, ma'am, I understand. I was just trying to explain to you how it works." * Customer: "Well, young man, you have to understand in my day this stuff did not even exist." ======= * Tech Support: "You're having a problem with getting your mail?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Ok, tell me line by line everything you do." * Customer: "I click 'check mail' and it asks me for my password." * Tech Support: "Ok, so you type your password." * Customer: "No, I already did when I logged on, so I click 'Cancel'." * Tech Support: "No, Ma'am, you have to type your password." * Customer: [pause] "Hey, what do you know, I got some mail!" ======= I once had a customer call me up wanting to send something via email. She said no matter what she did it wouldn't go through. After much debating over the settings, I finally asked her what she was trying to send. It turned out she was trying to email a box to her daughter for her birthday. I still haven't quite figured out how she thought that would work. ======= When I was setting up a service call with Apple computer, the girl was getting my info. She asked if I had another way of being reached other than by the phone number I gave her. I said that I could be reached by email. She asked for my address. I gave it to her. Then she wanted the phone number for my email address. ======= * My Supervisor: "I have email now." * Me: "Great. What's the address?" * My Supervisor: "'dmusket506'." * Me: (writing it down) "Ok, what's the rest?" * My Supervisor: "That's it." ======= * Customer: "I can't seem to send any email." * Tech Support: "What are you doing to send it?" * Customer: "I write it down on a piece of paper, slide it into the slot on the front of my computer, and click on 'send mail'." ======= * Customer: "I can't send an email. Is the Internet full?" ======= The other day I took exception to an insulting joke that someone had sent me, repeatedly, in his email signature. His response: "Don't draw conclusions about me from my email signature!" Isn't that what an email signature is for? ======= * Customer: "Uh, I'm trying to send email to my daughter and she's not receiving it." * Tech Support: "Ok, sir, what is her email address?" * Customer: "I don't know. She doesn't even have a computer. Can't I send it to her post office?" ======= Here is something I do that might count as a computer stupidity. I go to the mailroom at work several times a day to check my mail. I know intellectually that postal mail is only delivered once a day, but for whatever reason I keep equating it with email and check it periodically throughout the day. The fact that I only ever find stuff there once a day doesn't seem to deter me from looking continually. ======= Once my friend tried to send me a message by clicking on the "mailto:" link on my web page -- but no one had set up email on her system, so it didn't work. She came to me the next day and told me about it. "Your computer must not have been turned on," she said, diagnosing the problem. ======= I received two differently worded email letters that said essentially the same thing (obviously something happened and the sender didn't realize the first letter had gotten sent, so she typed up a second and sent that too). The letters were complaining on the subject of foul language in the movies, and she asked if anything could be done about it. I maintain a movie-related web site, so this did not seem out of the ordinary to me. I answered her, saying she should contact the studios directly. The next thing I know, I received another letter from the address. It asked who I was and how in the world had I gotten hold of this movie language letter. It concluded by saying, "This is not my regular email address, so please respond to this one...." All I could figure out was that this person logged into her friend's account, found a letter of email addressed to her friend in response to her friend's email, and got confused that she didn't know about this beforehand. Although that would have made a fine computer stupidity, that's not what happened. I answered her, saying who I was and that I didn't know how or where the original email had come from. I speculated on a couple theories, including the one above (expressed in less demeaning terms), to help sort out the problem. She writes back acting all snotty, acting like I'm a nosy little jerk unduly interested in her Internet access, and then, in that "I asked you once" tone, would I please tell her honestly how I came about that original letter on the subject of movie language? She went on to say that she really did write the letter, but it wasn't supposed to be sent to me. It was supposed to go to the Vice President of the United States at whitehouse.gov. My email address is absolutely nothing like that of our Vice President's. To type mine out accidentally when trying to type out his, you need to mistype somewhere around 25 characters in just the right way. To this day, I have no idea how she flubbed this up, and I know she doesn't. I wrote her back, telling her I didn't appreciate her attitude, and, for the second time, that her original email was emailed normally to my mailbox and that that that's how I came about it. Three days later, I get yet another letter from her. It was slightly differently worded, but what it said was that I was acting like a nosy little jerk unduly interested in her Internet access and then, in that "I asked you once" tone, would I please tell her honestly how I came about that original letter on the subject of movie language? That's right, she sent me a differently worded version of the same email as before. I wrote back, hopefully for the last time, saying she should learn how to read and write email before she chews someone out over it. But with her track record, I have no idea if she'll ever actually read it. ======= I'm in the Army and currently [at the time this anecdote was submitted to Computer Stupidities] deployed to Kosovo. As the local techie, people usually come to me with computer questions. After we had been here a while, a computer network with Internet access was installed. Being a net fanatic and desperately missing email, I talked to the system administrator and got our computers hooked up. After getting everything set up and checked out, I announced to my company that we could now do email and if anyone had any questions about setting up an account that they should come see me. There was one guy who was extremely happy about having access to email, as communications with the states is difficult to begin with. Well, he came to ask how to set up an account. I gave him a printed copy of the procedure. The next morning I ran into him at the dining tent. He looked very tired. I sat down with him and asked him about his condition. He replied, "I set up my email account last night and spent the entire night doing email." This was understandable. I did the same thing. Later in the day, I was taking the regular (snail) mail to the post office. It's routine to check through all the mail to ensure that proper return addresses and "free mail" was printed on each envelope. Otherwise, the military postal system wouldn't mail them. While sorting through them, I came across a stack of letters without the proper return address. They all had email addresses as both the return address and the 'send to' address. My friend had apparently sat up all night hand writing 23 letters of about 5 pages each and thinking that by putting email addresses on the envelope, they would arrive a lot quicker. ======= I used to work for a multimillion dollar consulting firm doing desktop support. The gentleman who was in charge of several large government contracts decided he needed to send a letter via email and wanted to know how to do so. Easy enough I suppose, until he happily handed me his letter on a sheet of paper crumpled up into a ball. "That is the letter I want to send," he said. "Can't you stuff it into the floppy drive and send it?" I tried to contain my laughter and explained to him how email worked. Of course, after I left I went outside and cried tears of uncontrollable laughter. ======= My boss never could get the hang of email. He only used email for one thing: sending weekly messages to his daughter, an English instructor in Saipan. We will call her Mary Smith, but that was not her name. Her address was simple enough, but every week he would call me over to the computer with another problem. * Boss: "It's gone! The email I just spent an hour typing is gone!" * Me: "What happened?" * Boss: "I clicked 'Send,' and it just disappeared!" * Me: "It's in your outbox, because you told the computer to 'Send' it." * Boss: "Oh." This happened almost every week. Either that or: * Boss: "It won't let me send this message." * Me: "You need to type her exact email address, not just 'Mary Smith' in the To: field." * Boss: "Well, how many Mary Smiths could there be in Saipan?" Or: * Boss: "I send email every week, they ought to know who it goes to by now!" Or: * Boss: "I thought computers were supposed to be smart!" He would always send his emails on Tuesday so they would get to his daughter by Saturday. ======= I teach a class at a university in which the students have to email their assignments. Despite the fact that the email address is printed about three times in the course handbook, and I repeated it 20 or so times and wrote it on the board, one student wanted to know why her emailed assigment kept being returned with error messages. The reason? Instead of the proper email address, in the "To" field she had: "any teacher for LL101". ======= I was teaching a friend of mine how to use email for the first time. After going through scrutinizing 30 minutes of basic concepts of email in comparison to the real post office mail and answering her novice questions, we decided it was time for her to get her feet wet. I had already signed her up for a free web-based email account. She logged in with her username and password, took her time to compose a message, and sent it successfully to her sister with such pride in her eyes. * Me: "Good job! That wasn't so hard, was it?" * Her: "No...." * Me: (smiles) * Her: (stares at the monitor) * Me: "What are you doing?" * Her: "Just a sec." (stares some more) * Me: "Are you...looking for something on the screen?" * Her: "Yeah, I am waiting for a reply!" ======= * Friend: "Did you get the email I sent about my sound card?" * Me: "Nope, haven't seen it yet. When did you send it?" * Friend: "Sent it this morning, you should have it by now." * Me: "Let me check again. Hmmm. Nothing." * Friend: "Oh, duh! It's President's Day. It probably won't get delivered today." * Me: (stifling laughter) "Oh yeah, that must be it. Just to be sure I get it, send it again to my other address." ======= I work at a good-sized newspaper. They have just switched to a Microsoft Exchange mail server. As part of the switch they went around to everyone's PC and installed MS Outlook and some other networking gizmos. They gave everyone the same email password and put the word out that passwords wouldn't be changing for 45 days. Everyone. Has. The. Same. Password. And everyone knows what it is. They did this ON PURPOSE. ======= A message posted to a tech support forum: hi.... i have an interesting question for anyone who might be knowledgable. i'm wondering that if i have an alternate e-mail address which i can send myself a "password reset" link, when i get to the window where it asks for a new password, is there any possible sliver of code i might be able to use to bypass entering a new password and just keeping my old one? if there was such a pieces of code this would enable meto obviously be transferred directly to my inbox without even entering a new password. possible? anyone ever heard of this?? A reply: Hang on ...? Hotmail lets you send a password reset link to a different address? So, I could give it your Hotmail address (let's presume I know it) and have the password reset link sent to my e-mail address, whereby I reset the password on your account and pwn it? Surely not. To answer your question, if you know what the old password is, why do you need to reset it? The original poster replied as follows: yes, this is one of the ways you can reset your Hotmail password besides a "secret word". i would just like to be able to access my account this way sometimes but i don't want to create a new password. i mean, logically if i have access to the alternate e-mail address then why not be able to access my account directly this way without having to create a new password? fair enough, isn't it? i just don't want to "reset" it. Continued discussion resulted in the following further messages from the original poster: hey buddy, i didn't ask for a drill on it, i asked whether or not it was possible not to have to be obligated to create a new password. i believe that is a valid enough question, so if you don't know i'd rather not debate it. thank you. And: some people just don't know when to quit. your obviously two bricks short of a full load. And: Let me spell it out again, you freaking morons. My inquiry is if there is a way I might be able to access my Hotmail account via my alternate e-mail address option without having to create a new password! DUH! Is that so difficult to go figure? I DO have access to my alternate e-mail address and i'm trying to be able to access my Hotmail account directly *that way* (without having to create a new password). Basically, i'm *simply* looking for a way to not have to "reset" my password when i get to the 'entering of the new password' point. Now, would you happen to know if this is at all possible? Maybe a sliver of code I could perhaps enter into the "new password" boxes to bypass it?? thanks, any help would be much appreciated. And if you don't know then just shut up! ======= This story is an example of a kind of mass stupidity mob that happens in various forums on the Internet all the time. I don't understand why. I belong to a mailing list, the topic of which will remain unnamed. The list's only purpose is to send out a brief newsletter every day talking about things of interest to the subscribers. Consequently, the list is set up so that, normally, only the owner of the list is allowed to send messages; none of the recipients can post to it. After months of running smoothly, the mailing list software went haywire, and suddenly everyone was able to post to the list. Chaos broke out, and people started to send notes to the list (a list of about 500 people, mind you) just to be "cute." Had it been left alone, the flood of mail would have quickly subsided. But then a wave of people started posting to the list telling these people to stop it. Letters poured in reading "STOP IT!" and "DON'T REPLY!" and "Why are you sending this to me?" This triggered more people to do that, which triggered more, and so on. In the first couple hours, there were easily seventy of these silly nonsense notes telling everyone else to stop sending out mail. You'd think common sense would keep people from "solving" the problem by contributing to it. ======= I subscribe to a listserver that covers an automotive topic. Last year one of the list members went on vacation and set up his email server to autoreply to any email with a message that he was out of town. Unfortunately, he didn't unsubscribe from the list before he left. You can guess the result. Everytime anyone sent a message to the list, this guy's automated reply went out on it too. The listserver fell down and went "splat" a couple of times before things got sorted out. ======= This story points out the amazing fact that, although it is great fun to laugh at the mistakes of computer newbies, it takes the knowledge and expertise of a fairly competent newbie system administrator to make your sides really split. That's me, and I maintain our organization's UNIX systems. There I was, looking at my screen, pondering what I saw. It was a message, stuck in the mail queue for no apparent reason. So, I figured, "What the hey, let's process the queue and see if it goes out." It didn't. And it said it was stuck because it couldn't contact the remote site. "They must be down, then," I figured. So, since I was bored, I decided to speed up the rate at which the queue got processed by typing "sendmail -q5". And after about ten minutes, I got bored of watching the message sit there in the queue and went on to other things. I assume the message eventually went, but I never went back to check up on it. Later that day, someone sent out email to the whole office using a mailing list that we had set up specifically for that purpose. I got four copies of the message. Some people only got one; others got as many as seven or eight. Needless to say, I was a little shocked. The sender insisted he only hit 'send' once. I dubbed around a little bit, looking for the cause, but didn't find it. So I left it until the next day. The next day, people were complaining to me left and right that everytime they used the mailing list to send office mail, people would get multiple copies. I thought, "This is a serious problem now." So I did what every good newbie system administrator would have done in that situation. I rebooted the mail server. And lo and behold, it actually worked. Feeling pretty good about myself, I went to check on the sendmail daemon to see if it was running (as a sanity check more than anything -- mail was going out, so I knew it was running). But I discovered, much to my surprise, that sendmail wasn't running at all -- and mail was still going out. I was shocked. I felt a little scared. And then, suddenly, I felt incredibly stupid. I finally remembered that we don't USE sendmail, we use SMTP. So I checked the SMTP process, and there it was, happily processing email. It took me a few minutes to figure out what probably happened. When I was looking at the stuck job, I started a copy of the sendmail daemon. Not only that, I set it to a delay of only five seconds. The regular daemon, SMTP, is set by default to 30 or 60 seconds. So when the queue got plugged by the mounds of mail going out in an all-office mailing, was this: SMTP got to it first, because the process was triggered by the mail entering the queue. But it wasn't fast enough to keep ahead of sendmail. Sendmail could process the queue but couldn't delete the message from it after it had sent the message. So while SMTP was plodding through the messages one by one, sending them and cleaning them up, sendmail was blazing through them, delete nothing, and do it all over again in another five seconds. As it happened, people who were at the physical bottom of the mailing list got the most copies of the message, while the person at the top would only get one or two. Needless to say, I kept this knowledge to myself, and instead of being the laughing stock of the office, I was the hero for having "solved" the great mail problem. * Tech Support: "I received your fax, no problem." * Customer: "The hell you did. It's still sitting right here!" ======= Once I received a phone call from a secretary. She complained that she couldn't fax a letter: "It keeps grabbing the letter, but it spits it back out the other side!" ======= One guy went to a bank to make a transaction. The clerk said that some data should be sent by fax to the central bank. So he put the sheet into the fax machine and pressed the send button. It appeared that the transfer was performed successfully, but the clerk thought otherwise. So he sent the sheet again. Frustrated, he gives up. * Him: "We can't send it -- they have no paper." * Me: "How can you tell?" * Him: "See here, this little reading blinking 'no paper'?" ======= I work for a moving company where faxing documents is the most common form of communication between companies. Well apparently not every one in our industry is completely aware of how a fax machine works. A lady called one of our coordinators to inform us that we really need to change out the toner cartridges in our fax machines because all of the faxes she got from us were coming out really light. Our coordinator was really nice and let the lady know that we would definitely take care of that for her. ======= At the Microsoft web site, when I tried to register for some freebies without giving away too much about myself, I received the following error: * "We need your fax number in order to respect your wishes not to receive unsolicited faxes." ======= A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After forty minutes, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. ======= The Met office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said, "Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are at risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines." ======= I work on the help desk for a certain credit card verification software package. The main problem that we have with it is getting modems to connect at 1200 and 2400 baud. Anyway, looking through the fax queue the other day, I came across a two page fax addressed to one of the techs. The cover page says, "Jim -- Here is the modem information you requested." Figuring I'd help Jim out, I decide to take a look. It took me a minute to figure it out, but I finally was able to determine what the large, mostly black page was. The customer had pulled his internal modem out of his machine, photocopied it, and sent it in. The worst part of this call though was Jim trying to explain to the customer why this wasn't helpful and that it wasn't really necessary to fax a copy of the other side. ======= One of our new hires recently walked around the print room, milling about, looking somewhat puzzled. * Technical Trainer: "Can I help you with anything?" * New Hire: "I'm waiting for a fax, but there's nothing coming through." * Technical Trainer: "Carol probably switched it off when she left, as she doesn't want any confidential faxes coming through when she's not here." * New Hire: "But the green light is on, and it says, 'Ready' on the display." * Technical Trainer: "That's the printer." ======= Overheard at the office: * First Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?" * Second Person: "A little. What's wrong?" * First Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." * Second Person: "How did you load the sheet?" * First Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it in half." ======= * Customer: "Can you fax me those drivers?" * Tech Support: "..." * Customer: "Well?" * Tech Support: "Sir, I can email the drivers if you wish, or you can download them free of charge from the web site." * Customer: "No! I don't have email. Can you fax them or not!?" * Tech Support: "Do you have a computer with web access?" * Customer: "No!" * Tech Support: "Sir, software drivers do not transmit well over fax machines. May I mail you a diskette with the drivers on it?" * Customer: "Too slow!" After several more minutes of explaining, he accepted an over night delivery of diskettes, but he was still confused as to why we could not fax the drivers." ======= The amount on a final mortgage payment from one of our customers was $30 short, and it was my job to collect the extra money. I called and asked for the payment, explaining that it was important to pay it promptly but that if she mailed in a check, that would be fine. The customer asked if there was a faster way. * Me: "Yes. You can overnight it to us, or you can wire us the money, but depending on your bank, that could cost up to $15; maybe more." * Customer: "I know! I'll just fax you the money!" ======= I run a computer shop. Back in the early 1990s, I received the following phone call: * Customer: "Do you repair faxes?" * Me: "Not really; what's the problem?" * Customer: "It's jammed, and I need to fix it before my boss comes back from up north." * Me: "Well, bring it is and we'll see what we can do." The customer, a secretary, duly appeared in the shop. Upon opening up the fax machine, I found a 5 1/4" disk wrapped around the rollers and melted onto the heating roller. It turned out that her boss had phoned her and asked her to fax him what was on the disk. She did! Apparently it had been quite difficult to feed it in. ======= Once I needed to send a fax to someone. I had the following conversation with his secretary. * Me: "Please receive the fax message for Mr. [name]." * Secretary: "Ok!" Pause. * Me: "Could you start, please?" * Secretary: (pause) "What do you want me to do?" * Me: "Start receiving the fax message." * Secretary: "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm fresher now. Please, tell me what to do." * Me: "Do you have a fax machine on this number?" * Secretary: "Yes." * Me: "Ok, just press the biggest green button on it." * Secretary: (pause) "I can't find it. Just a moment I'll ask somebody to find it." (long pause) "Nobody in the office can find that button. There are too many buttons here, but none are green. There are white and gray buttons with letters and digits on them." * Me: "Hmmm. What kind of fax do you have?" * Secretary: "Fax-modem." ======= A tech asked a customer for a "screen shot." He also requested she fax him the result. Lo and behold, through the fax came a photocopy of a Polaroid picture of her screen. ======= A customer once asked me if I could fax him a copy of a disk instead of sending it through the mail. If I didn't need my job I would have told him that I would, but he'd have to wait a bit because Domino's was faxing me a pizza. ======= I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. * Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it." ======= A customer saw me handling some floppies, and remarked, "How do they get the words small enough to fit on there?" ======= A company at which I once worked replaced their existing clones and XTs with PS/2s. Users were informed to convert their data to 3 1/2 inch diskettes. One user didn't replace everything. Not to worry, as she just folded the 5 1/4 inch floppy in half and jammed it into the 3 1/2 inch drive. ======= When one of the computer labs upgraded from Apple IIe computers to Macs, one student came to me because she was having problems with the new computers. She had "reformatted" her 5 1/2" disks by trimming them down with a pair of scissors so that they would fit into the 3 1/2" drives. ======= My coworker came over to my cubicle and held out the magnetic disk he'd ripped out of a 3.5 inch floppy drive and said, "Does it look like this has any bad or missing sectors to you?" He sounded angry. Half-wondering if he was serious, I said, "No, it looks fine to me." The disk had been bent, folded, spindled, and mutilated. He frowned and said, "That's what I thought," and proceeded to wipe it down with Windex. I later heard him asking another coworker what he thought all those grooves on there might be. ======= I work as a technician and manager for a local sales and repair shop regarding computers and computer hardware, in Oslo, Norway. One day I got a call from a woman who said she bought a ethernet card for her desktop computer. She was having problems installing the card and asked for help. It seemed her problem was that she couldn't insert the driver disk for the card into her floppy drive. It sounded like a mechanical failure on the floppy drive to me, so I drove out to her house, figuring I'd be replacing the floppy drive. When I got there, I took a look. I tried to insert a floppy, but something was in the way. The disk refused to go in, and the door on the drive was half open. I opened the case, took the floppy drive out, turned on my flashlight, and studied the damage more closely. * Me: "There is something blocking floppy disks from entering the drive. When did this happen?" * Customer: "Oh. That's just the ethernet card. Don't worry about it. It wouldn't go in at first, but I forced it in with both hands. And I managed to install it. Could that be the problem?" * Me: "Wow. This is totally not the way to install an ethernet card." To my horror, I realized she bought a PCMCIA type ethernet card and thought the proper way to install one was to wedge it into the floppy drive. ======= Here's another for your web page -- as written by the culprit. A few years back, I suffered an embarrassing lapse on one of those cornerstones of computing: putting a floppy disk in a disk drive. They had an environmental test lab with several BBC micros with 5 1/4" floppy drives. These machines were probably a decade old even then. I had some games on a floppy disk. I put the floppy in the machine, but no way could I get the machine to read the floppy. So I tried another machine. Same result. I didn't believe that all the floppy drives were faulty, so it had to be the loose nut at the keyboard. But I couldn't figure out what I'd forgotten. Actually, I had forgotten to turn the lever that closes the floppy drive and locks the disk in place. What's mortifying is that in past years I'd used plenty of 5 1/4" floppy drives of that exact same type. I have no idea what happened to the "turn the lever to lock the floppy in the drive" clue that I used to have. It must have evaporated after a few years of disuse. ======= * Customer: "I just got a copy of the new software you sent us, and I'm having some problems." * Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "The disk is stuck." * Tech Support: "You mean when you lift the latch, the disk won't pop out?" * Customer: "Exactly." * Tech Support: "By any chance was there already a disk in the drive when you put this one in?" * Customer: "No! I'm not dumb." * Tech Support: "Can you pull the disk out?" * Customer: "No, the disk is too far back to be reached." * Tech Support: "What do you mean, too far back?" * Customer: "The disk is smaller than the regular disks that I normally use. It's just too far back." * Tech Support: "What size is this disk?" * Customer: "About three inches, give or take." * Tech Support: "So, you placed a 3 1/2" disk in a 5 1/4" disk drive?" * Customer: "Yeah, and now it's stuck. How do I get it out?" ======= My Dad had brought home his laptop computer from work but couldn't get a floppy into the external drive. He called me over to fix it. The drive was sitting on the table upside down. ======= * My Dad: "Hello. I've got a problem with the computer." * Me: "What's up?" * My Dad: "Well, I did my document, and it looks fine on the screen. I printed it too. And I saved it." * Me: "Great! You're getting the hang of the thing." * My Dad: "Yes, I am. I have just one problem." * Me: "Ok, what is it?" * My Dad: "Well, I saved the file...." * Me: "Yes?" * My Dad: "How do I rewind the disk?" That one warms my heart every time I think of it. ======= A third year computer science student asked me why her file wouldn't save to her floppy. * Me: "Oh, this file is too big to fit on a floppy." * Her: "But I have a 3 meg disk!" * Me: "A 3 meg disk? Show me." * Her: "Ok, here it is. See? It says '3M'." ======= I used to teach a high school computer class. Once I passed out some data disks and told the class, "Let's see what's on these disks." I looked up, and half the class was attempting to determine the contents of the disks by visual inspection. ======= There is nothing worse than the customer who will only believe his or her own self-diagnosis. A woman and her daughter were lingering around by the Macintosh display in our store. She told me a story that I never really grasped, but the general problem was that her daughter saved a report to a floppy using the Mac they had at home. Later, when they tried to read the file, they couldn't find it. They had put one disk in after another, but every directory looked just like the first disk. She KNEW what the problem was and would be damned if I would tell her different. SHE knew that the disks were all kept in a stack on the desk, and that the disks all had the same data as the first one because the topmost disk "leaked" onto the others. I told her the correct way to look for the lost file on a Mac, but she wasn't willing to accept my answer. She wandered off, and I went to help another customer. Fifteen minutes later, I noticed that she had a second salesman cornered and was making "leaking" gestures as she presumably told him the same story. He talked for a while and demonstrated how to read disk directories. She gave him the same blank stare that she gave me and wandered off again. Not good enough! Fifteen minutes later she had a THIRD salesman cornered and started going through her while story again. The salesman looked like he was ready to pop, so I stepped back in. Knowing she'd never leave until we told her what she wanted to hear, I told her that after some further thought, I realized she was right. There was nothing that could be done to save her daughter's file, but in the future she should always keep each floppy in a ZipLoc bag to be sure they don't leak on each other in the future. She was instantly happy and went on her way. I'll make a bet she still keeps her disks in sealed plastic bags. ======= When I was in third grade or so, we learned some computer skills on an Apple ][e. One day, the software we were using wouldn't load on the computer (keep in mind this is a classroom full of 9 and 10 year olds), and the teacher said, "Oh, the window must be dirty," and proceeded to rub the window of the 5 1/4" diskette with her thumb and forefinger, smearing it badly. The entire class yelled at her to stop, but not before three or four brisk rubs. Apparently she thought the disk was a little dusty that morning, so she wiped it that way before the class got there, then again when it wouldn't load for the class. ======= When I was in seventh grade our principal substituted for our computer teacher. One morning we walked into class and to our horror she had all of our disks soaking in a big bin of soapy water. Earlier that morning she had been grading our assignments when she got an error message. She assumed that the disks were dirty, so she decided to clean them. When we explained to her that you can't get a disk wet, she said, "I didn't know that. Next time I'll just use a little Windex." ======= I got a call from a user installing a program on her Mac. Our software used a copy protection scheme that required the floppy to be write enabled. The user put in the disk, hit the "double-click to install" icon and started the install. Then suddenly the disk popped out, and a message came up on screen saying, "At this point of the installation, you need to write-enable your disk. Please write-enable your disk and reinsert." She looked at the disk. Shoved it back in. It popped back out. Same message on the screen. She tried again. Same result. So she took out the disk and looked at it. Then she picked up a pencil. She wrote "enable" on the disk. Then called tech support because it didn't work. ======= It's not uncommon for new computer users to try to put disks in the wrong drives -- ZIP disks in the floppy drive, floppies in the CD drive, etc -- but once I saw a student mix up three. He had put a 5 1/4" floppy in the CD drive, then tried to access it via the A: drive, which was the 3 1/2" drive. ======= Tech Support kept getting calls from this one client because any disk which was sent to the client became unreadable after one day in the field. A live technician was sent out. He asked what happened after the client received the disk. "I keep them right here, on the side of the file cabinet," he said. (Under a magnet!) ======= The computer was having problems reading the disk. I checked the disk and found that it had a coffee ring on it. I asked who set their coffee cup on it, and one guy raised his hand. I asked why, and he said, "Well, I didn't want to hurt the table." ======= One user, a gentleman quite unfamiliar with computers and very short on common sense, had a floppy disk that wouldn't stay in the disk drive. He called the help desk because his computer wasn't working as it normally did and wondered if someone could take a look at it. The problem was his "solution" to his floppy disk problem. To get it to stay in, he used superglue to keep it in the drive. ======= A customer was having diskette problems. After trouble shooting for a while (magnets, heat, etc), tech asked the customer what else was being done with the diskette. * Customer: "I put a label on the diskette, rolled it into the typewriter..." ======= * Tech Support: "Should that be a 3 1/2 inch or 5 1/4 inch disk?" * Customer: "Uhhh...how are they different?" ======= * Student: "Why isn't my computer saving to my floppy?" * Teacher: "Is it in the drive?" * Student: "No. Does it need to be?" ======= A customer complied with a tech's request to send in a copy of a defective diskette. A few days later, the tech received a letter from the customer along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. ======= My professor logged into the computer in our classroom to show us a spreadsheet she had set up on a floppy disk. She double clicked on the A: drive to get a directory listing, and she frowned and said, "These are not the right files." So she closed the Explorer window, took the disk out, and logged off. Then she logged back in, put the disk back in, and double clicked on the A: drive again. She was astonished that the files still weren't the right ones. We never did find out what happened to the disk she'd originally put the files on. ======= A floppy-based computer would not boot. I went to the site and discovered that the 5 1/4" floppy was inserted sideways. * Tech Support: "Here's your problem. It's in wrong." (started to put it in correctly) * Customer: "No! It doesn't go in that way! You'll ruin it!" (the computer booted correctly) "Well it never worked that way before." ======= An incident occurred when I worked as a computer support person. I stopped at a nearby building to say hi to co-worker. She was working on a laptop problem and had been working for over an hour trying to figure out why the thing didn't boot into Windows. It kept launching a game every time it was turned on or rebooted. I removed the floppy from the drive and rebooted. Relief, shock, and laughter occurred simultaneously. The simplest of the problems can be the most memorable to me. Yet they can be very difficult to solve if you don't approach the problem at the most basic level. ======= Over the summer a couple years back, I was working for a small chemical company as a process engineer. The secretary in the area where I worked had recently acquired a new Macintosh computer and since I was one of the few who knew how to use it, I got called when ever there was trouble. Well, one time I got called to come over and help her. I got there and found out that she was having problems getting the 3 1/2" disk into the disk drive. It would only go about half way in and no further. I proceeded to check to see if there was already another disk in the drive and also used a paper clip to see if somehow the drive had gotten into the down position. I was stumped...until I looked down at the disk and realized that she had put the disk label entirely on the front of the disk instead of folding it around to the back like you're supposed to. In the process, she had literally taped the metal door shut so it wouldn't open when she tried to put the disk in. Apparently she had labeled a whole pack of disks that way. ======= I was working on a client's computer in the shop, and I had a box of disks that he had dropped off with the system. In the box was a 3 1/2" floppy labeled "System Setup Disk," and in brackets below was the clarification, "For the computer." ======= One user kept her diskettes in a three ring binder -- but punched the holes in the disk rather than the sleeve. ======= One student turned in his program with the printout neatly stapled to the disk. ======= One tech support person told a lady to insert a clean disk into the drive. She washed it first. ======= A very common misconception is that the plastic case of a 5 1/4" disk needs to be removed (with an x-acto knife or something) before the disk can be used. ======= A consultant showed a new user how to copy a disk to do backups and told her to buy a box of disks. She did, and when she got the new box, she unwrapped the disks and did the backup. The consultant returned a week later, and the client proudly showed him her backup disks. To his amazement, she had 'peeled' off the wrapping on all ten disks, including the metal shutter. Her explanation: "I thought you had to expose the disk." ======= One new user, diligently following instructions that you had to format new floppy disks before using them, promptly went home and formatted all of his program disks. They were new, after all, and he wanted to use them. ======= * Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." * Tech Support: "What does it say?" * Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." * Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" * Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside." ======= "How do I open this new-fangled floppy drive?" a user asked. He was on an IBM PC-XT, pointing to the hard drive. ======= A student reported that he was trying to copy his assignment to floppy disk, but the machine he was using wasn't formatting the floppy correctly. I asked him to try formatting it again so I could watch. He correctly inserted the floppy, started the format correctly, but when it got 34% finished, he ejected it. * Me: "What'd you do that for?" * Him: "Well, the file I want to store on there is very small, so I don't have to format the whole disk. Is 34% enough?" ======= An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. * Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. * Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" * Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." * Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" * Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'" * Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" * Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?" ======= I work as a computer consultant at a school. One day a very irritated -- and irritating -- student walked in with a floppy disk. * Customer: "I can't read my thesis off this disk, and I need it now. Also, why don't any of the computers on campus have (some word processing program that is hopelessly outdated) on them?" * Tech Support: "Well, we'll take a look at the disk and see if we can read it here. As for (the program) it's not really being used anymore because better ones are available." * Customer: "Well, I bought my computer from the school four years ago, and it came with this program. I'm going to file a complaint." She handed me the disk. It was a really cheap brand -- I forget which -- and the case was slightly cracked and missing the protective metal cover. The disk media itself had fingerprints on it and a sizable bend at one point. I tried the disk out, and sure enough, no files were found. I tried to explain to her that this was a lost cause, but to no avail. * Customer: "Well, I've been using this disk since I came to this school, and it's always worked fine. Your lab machines must have done something to it. I want to speak to your manager." The sad thing is, since then, I've seen several other students with disks in similar condition, and they all contained their only copies of their senior theses. ======= * Customer: "Can I use this disk here in the lab? It's blue." I said that she could, but I wanted to say, "Yes, we are an equal opportunity computer lab." ======= A friend of mine purchased "colored" floppy disks so she could save email attachments to disks. The attachments were color GIF files, and all she had around the house were black floppies. ======= I was demonstrating MS Powerpoint to some students. I imported some color clip art into the program. After I asked for questions, one girl asked if I saved the file to color or black and white floppies. ======= A few years ago, a woman called to complain that she bought a computer, and after only a couple months, Windows didn't run anymore. She further explained that her son had installed a game on the computer and that that was the only thing the computer would run. I went to her home and found that the son had created a boot diskette for the game and never popped it out of the drive. ======= Someone came up to me in such a big distress because we don't have WordPerfect on our machines anymore. So I told this guy to use Microsoft Word because it's the same sort of thing. Well, the guy told me that he needed to save the resume he'll be typing, and since his disk had been used previously with WordPerfect it therefore couldn't be used for Microsoft Word. He formatted the disk for Wordperfect, he kept insisting, so it wouldn't work for Microsoft Word. Obviously I couldn't slap him on the face, but I wanted to. ======= I received a call from a secretary asking for a document to be converted from WordPerfect 5.1 to WordPerfect 6.1. So I did as she asked and emailed the converted file back. Later she called and asked, "If I copy this to a disk, will it stay in 6.1 or will it go back to 5.1?" ======= One user had a word processor that took 3 1/2" disks and stored files on them using an MSDOS file system format. He wanted to convert the files that were on his word processor disks to his new MAC machine. Unable simply to insert the word processor disks into the MAC's disk drive and have them be readable, he enlisted the aid of an acquaintance who had a PC with MSDOS. * User: "Can you copy these files for me?" * Acquaintance: "Sure. Where do you want me to copy them, though?" * User: "Onto a disk." He didn't grasp that a second disk, also formatted for PC use, wouldn't work in his MAC any better than his originals. Later on, he got an idea when he was reading the documentation for a Disk Doctor program he had on his MAC. The utility, he discovered, could restore files that had been erased from a disk by accidental deletion or reformatting. So he took one of his MSDOS-formatted word processor disks, reformatted it in his MAC, then tried to get the Disk Doctor to recover the lost MSDOS files. Didn't work, surprise, surprise. ======= I was on duty one night at my university's computing centre. A woman came in with a disk that she wanted to retrieve some files from. The disk was in really bad shape; the metal door was missing, a boot print was on it, and the label had been treated with white-out several times. I suggested she go buy another disk at the vending machine down the hall while I tried to read the data off her disk. When she returned, I told her that I was able to get most of the information off the old disk. I asked for the new disk so I could save the information. "Ok," she said, and started to hand the disk to me. Then she paused and said, "Oh, wait. I forgot to format it." With that, she took the disk in both hands and ripped the metal door off. "There," she said, pleased with herself. It took all the self-control I could possibly muster to retain my composure and suggest she buy another disk. ======= A student was trying to upload something from his disk to geocities. He had been sitting there for about twenty minutes before I finally had the nerve to go ask him what he was trying to do. * Student: "THE SERVER ON MY FLOPPY IS DOWN! IT WON'T UPLOAD! MY FLOPPY SERVER IS DOWN!! WHAT DO I DO!? HOW DO I FIX IT!? GEOCITIES MUST'VE BROKEN IT! HELP ME!!" * Me: "Actually, you just need to change to the A: drive. Geocities can't find your disk. Just point to the--" * Student: "NO! I DON'T! I know what I'm doing! I heard someone say the server is down! And now my server in my floppy is down! What should I do!?" * Me: "Listen to me. You just need to change your drive." * Student: "LEAVE ME ALONE! I'll fix my server myself!! You don't know what you're doing anyway!! All I need to do is restart my floppy server like my teacher told me!!!!" ======= * User: "I've gotta print a paper out tonight. Do you have a printer?" * SysAdmin: "Sure. Mac or PC?" * User: "Umm, I'm not sure. It says Smith Corona on it." * SysAdmin: "Ok, so it's a typewriter with a screen, right?" * User: "Yep. Will these things read my disk?" Well, some of these typewriters can write MSDOS format disks, so it's possible. * SysAdmin: "Possibly. Do you have your disk?" * User: "Yes, it's right here!" She hands me her disk. Unfortunately, it's not a writeable disk. In fact, it's not a disk at all. It's a yellow plastic insert, most definitely a piece of shipping packaging. * SysAdmin: "Umm, did your typewriter give you any errors when you saved your work?" * User: "I think so, but they didn't look important. Is there anything wrong?" Now, here's where years of living with teachers comes in handy. Can you imagine trying to keep a straight face? * SysAdmin: "Well, ma'am, this is not a disk. It's packaging, meant to keep the innards of your disk drive from beating themselves up when the thing's on the road. Nothing can get stored on this, unless you wish to carve a message on it with an x-acto knife." * User: "Oh." * Customer: "Oh my gosh, I just received this disk in the mail; I never ordered a disk! Am I a member? Am I being charged for this?" ======= * Customer: "I just got your software in the mail, and what I wanted to know was...will I be charged if I just look at the software? I mean, I don't even have a modem yet." ======= * Customer: "Well, I got one of your free disks in the mail, but I don't have a computer. I just wanted to thank you for sending this to me." * Tech Support: "...Ah...is that the only reason you're calling, sir?" * Customer: "Yes, I just thought that was really nice of you people, sending me this disk. I really appreciate it!" ======= * Customer: "I received one of your disks in the mail today, and I want to know if I'm going to be charged for it." * Tech Support: "No, ma'am, it was a free mail-out." * Customer: "We don't even have a computer! You know, it's really not a good idea to be sending people these things in the mail when they didn't ask for them. That's pretty rude." ======= * Customer: "Yes, I just want to know how to return this disk to you people." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, the software is free. You can throw it out, give it to a friend, whatever you want." * Customer: "But my nephew received this in the mail, and I don't want him to be billed for it. Can I get credited for this?" * Tech Support: "We don't bill you until you actually install the software and register as a user." * Customer: "Can you get me credited for this?" * Tech Support: "Ma'am, we have not billed you for anything." * Customer: "Well, if you can't credit me then please transfer me to someone who can!" ======= I worked for a while in tech support for a large ISP. One day the guy next to me got a call asking for a demo of the Internet. I said I could send him a one month free trial, but he said, "No, no, I don't want any trial versions. I just want a demo. Can you just copy the Internet to CDs and mail them to me?" It took me about ten minutes to explain before he got a clue that this was, in fact, impossible. Even then he refused the free trial and just hung up. This always makes me wonder what goes on in some people's heads. ======= * Customer: "I got one o' these here disks of yours. Is this one a those new home security systems, that all I have to do is put it here in my winda, and it'll scare away burgulars?" * Tech Support: "No, sir, this is for a computer. Do you own a computer?" * Customer: "Well, hell, what do I need with a computer? I just got me one o' them 45-inch big screen TV's. I don't need no computer!" ======= * Customer: "You sent me this diskette. Are you gonna send me a computer so I can run this?" * Tech Support: "Excuse me?" ======= * Customer: "I just got your software in the mail...when are you sending the computer?" * Tech Support: "You don't have a computer?" * Customer: "Nope. But I have the software -- just send me the computer, and you've got a new member." ======= * Customer: "I got a disk in the mail, and I don't have a computer. What do I do with it?" * Tech Support: "Well, you could give it to a friend." * Customer: "And how do I do that?!" * Tech Support: "Just give it to a friend who might want to try our service." * Customer: "Can I speak to a supervisor?" * Tech Support: "Why??" * Customer: "Because I wanna speak to a supervisor." She was transferred, and I listened in a while. The customer said that she didn't like my answer to her question. For some reason known to her and her alone, suggesting that you give a disk to a friend is unprofessional. ======= I work at a big box computer store, and one of our weekly ads showed that we had free America Online 5.0 disks at our store. Unfortunately, due to a shipping error, we only received one box, which went really fast. I had one middle aged customer come up to me. * Customer: "Hello, where can I find the free AOL 5.0 disks?" * Me: "I am sorry sir, due to a shipping error, we have not yet received them, but they should be in by Wednesday." * Customer: "So you mean I drove all the way down here from Englewood (about six blocks away), and you don't have any of the disks? That's false advertising!" * Me: "I am sorry sir, but it is due to circumstances beyond our control. If you need one that badly, I can tell you where to get one down the street." * Customer: "I ain't drivin' no more today." * Me: "Ok, then. Is there anything else I can do for you?" * Customer: "Can I get a raincheck?" * Me: "Sir, I don't think I can give you a raincheck on a FREE item." * Customer: "Well I ain't shopping here no more." He walked in front of the entrance doors, which are clearly labeled "ENTRANCE ONLY," stood there for almost a minute waiting for the door to open, finally realized he was at the wrong doors, and huffed towards the real exit. ======= One night working at technical support, this old lady called and told me that she received our disk and said that she's afraid of it. * Tech Support: "Well ma'am, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's for your computer." * Customer: "Well, I don't have a computer. The directions say 'install and run'. I'm too old to run." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, could you please hold?" I need a brief pause to scream with laughter. * Tech Support: "Ma'am, I can assure you that you are ok." * Customer: "Ok. Should I call the police?" * Tech Support: "No, ma'am, just throw it away." * Customer: "Well, there is a silver thing that slides across, and it clicks. What is that?" * Tech Support: "It is safe to throw it away. It's for a computer, ok?" * Customer: "But is this a bomb?" * Tech Support: "No, ma'am, just throw it away." * Customer: "Now?" * Tech Support: "Yes, if you like." * Customer: "Son, you saved my life! Thank you, and have a nice day." ======= A call came from a little girl: * Timid Voice: "I just got your diskette today." * Tech Support: "How can I help you, honey?" * Timid Voice: "It won't fit my computer." * Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have?" * Timid Voice: "A Talking Whiz Kid." * Customer: "Can I run Netscape 2.0 on my Apple ][c? I have the color monitor!" ======= Seen on a web page: * "Need a Dial up for DOS. And also a INTERNET EXPLORER for DOS. Needs to run on a 286 with 4 mb ram." ======= * Customer: "Is it possible to put Windows 95 on a Commodore 64?" ======= * Customer: "Do you have WordPerfect for Gameboy?" * Tech Support: "No, but I'll call you when it comes in." Sometimes it's better to go along with the customer and not ask questions. ======= * Customer: "It says here that I need a 2 times CD-ROM drive. Does this mean I have to get another CD-ROM drive?" ======= My husband tried to install a new networking card. He said he opened it up, and all he found was a TV tube and some electronic parts -- no slots at all. ======= Recently, my friend told me some recent computer game of his would not work with his computer. I already knew that he had a rather dated computer and told him that he needed to buy a new one, or at least a more up-to-date video card. But no matter how I explained it to him, he kept insisting that the video card had nothing to do with what you saw on the screen, and what he really needed was a new "monitor card." That weekend, I took him to the local Radio Shack and watched him walk up to the counter and start complaining about his "monitor card." The cashier told him the same thing I did, but to no avail. He refused to buy a video card and walked out of the store, muttering about lousy service and shoddy products. To this day, he is still looking for a store that carries "monitor cards." ======= * Customer: "I am not seeming to be connecting." * Tech Support: "Ok, what kind of error message to you get?" * Customer: "I do not know, just help me!" This is common. We have people who will tell us they saw the error message 10+ times but have absolutley no idea what it said. We are not psychics. * Tech Support: "Oh, ok, well, what kind of computer do you have?" * Customer: "It is being a Packard Bell." * Tech Support: "Do you know how much memory you have?" * Customer: "I have 4 megs of Random Memory." There's the problem -- the customer doesn't have the minimum requirements to run the software. You would think that once the person finds out he doesn't have the right equipment to run a piece of software, it would end the conversation...but, alas, the following dialogue is more representative of customer responses in such situations. * Tech Support: "I'm sorry, but, you don't meet the minimum requirements, so we're really not of much use to you until you upgrade." * Customer: "But, this is not explaining why I am not connecting! Why am I not connecting to your system!? What does memory have to do with me connecting!?!?" * Tech Support: "Well, if you don't meet the requirements, there is no guarantee that the software will work at all, hence the system requirements. Because you don't meet them, there's really no reason to try and fix it, because it's not going to work." * Customer: "BUT, I HAVE A 28.8!! What would you have done if I had said I had 8 Megs!?" * Tech Support: "Well, when I found that you had four, after you told me that you surely had eight, I would be pretty mad." * Customer: "This is not explaining why I am not connecting!! I HAVE A 28.8!!" * Tech Support: "But you do NOT have the MEMORY requirements for the software. It WILL NOT work for you unless you upgrade to eight megs of RAM." * Customer: "I am thinking that I must be cancelling my account." had a job at my local school board doing on-site technical support. We had just recently replaced all the Macintosh machines with Windows NT machines. While showing one of the secretaries the Windows environment, she asked where all of her icons were. I pointed to the two columns of icons on the left side of her screen. * Her: "Yes, but on my Mac they were all over here on the right." * Me: "Well, by default, Windows arranges the columns on the left side." * Her: "But I'm right-handed!" ======= I had a colleague who was very messy. Half of his cubicle was a pile of junk that reached to the top of the cubicle. Whenever he wanted something, he would rummage through all the stuff, throwing things aside until he found it. One day I asked him to find a computer file for me that I'd erased by mistake. It was taking him a while, so I went to look over his shoulder. His desktop was an exact duplicate of his cubicle. It had a massive pile of icons in one corner, and he was furiously rummaging through them to uncover the right file. ======= I work on the tech support help desk for an ISP. I once had this novice woman who had a complete misunderstanding on what I advised her to do when I talked her through installing her modem drivers. * Tech Support: "Can you close down all the open applications you have running, so you have a blank desktop?" * Customer: "Yeah, sure." After a couple minutes I wondered why it was taking so long to click on the X button. * Tech Support: "Hello, have you closed down the application?" * Customer: "Yes, now I am just clearing the icons off my desktop." * Tech Support: "What do you mean clearing off the icons?" * Customer: "What you told me to do. I am deleting off all the icons so I have a blank desktop. You know, the Recycle Bin, My Computer, etc." Luckily, fixing all that was just a case of accessing her Recycle Bin from the Start menu and restoring the items. ======= Someone told me his hard disk was full. His nephew had installed something that would make it larger and had muttered something confusing about slaves and jumpers. But the hard disk, it seemed, was "still full." My first thought was that his nephew had installed an additional hard disk, and the guy got confused about drive letters. But it was worse. He had an 80 GB hard disk with 6 GB used, plus an additional 250 GB hard disk, which was completely empty. I asked him why he thought his hard disk was full. He said, "But can't you see? There's no free space!" And, really, there was no free space -- not a single inch of free space -- on his desktop. I gave him a higher screen resolution and put a handful of folders on his desktop. I told him I installed some "drawers" so he had more space. Now he's happy. ======= A while ago I was received a call from a woman who said that Eudora Pro was showing her password. I found this to be strange, because when you type it in your password in Eudora, it displays asterisks. So when I went over to her office and looked at her desktop. She had renamed the Eudora Pro icon with her password. ======= * A Friend: "There's an icon on my desktop that won't go away." * Me: "Did you click on the icon once and hit 'delete'?" * A Friend: "I haven't tried that yet." ======= * My Brother: "I tried to save the document, but I think I did something wrong. All my computer did was put an icon on the desktop." * Me: "That's the document. Just double-click it and it will open in Word." * My Brother: "But it's an icon! I wanted to save it as a file." ======= I was helping my cousin install a game. He wanted the game to "stay on the disk," so it wouldn't keep the game on the computer. So he said we should uncheck the "Put an Icon on the Desktop" option, and then we wouldn't have to uninstall it later. ======= * Tech Support: "Now click on the icon that--" * Customer: "Oh, I know what an icon is! That's that thing that Sandra Bullock clicked on in The Net!" ======= * Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." * Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." * Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --" * Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." * Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?" * Customer: [click] ======= Before moving into network support, I did PC support for a large multinational utility company. We had bases all over the country and personnel moves were frequent. There was an software model in use consisting of applications delivered to the desktop using Novell Application Launcher. A user's ability to run or even see applications depended on membership of Netware groups. One user had moved sites and had his account moved to a different container. The next Monday, he logged a call to the help desk, saying that he couldn't see one of his applications any more. Obviously someone had just forgotten to add him to a group in his new location. My colleague received the following email from a help desk employee: Simon, This user has moved from Motherwell to Wrexham and has lost his Landmaster icon. Could it have fallen out of his PC when it was being moved? I work at the computer store on a campus. A few weeks ago, we had a customer call in and ask the following: * Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?" ======= * Customer: "How much does it cost to have the Internet installed?" ======= * Customer: "I would like the disc with the Internet on it." ======= Also heard in a University store: * Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" ======= * Customer: "I would like an Internet please." ======= * Customer: "When I sign up, do I need to be home so you can come out and install the Internet to my house?" ======= * Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..." ======= * Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?" ======= * Customer: "Excuse me, could you sell me an Internet?" ======= * Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?" ======= * Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?" ======= * Customer: "We're getting an Internet from you. Are you guys having any problems sending out your Internets?" ======= * Co-Worker: "When I try to send e-mail, the whole Internet shuts down!" ======= * Customer: "I can't get online." * Tech Support: "Can you be more specific?" * Customer: "It says, 'Bad username/password'." * Tech Support: "What is your username?" * Customer: "Are you sure that the Internet isn't closed for the night?" I was extremely tempted to tell him how people in Europe and Asia wake up at odd hours just to use the net. ======= I just had a call from a customer who wanted to know if she had to bring in her computer to get connected to the Internet or if we could pick it up and deliver. ======= * Customer: "My boyfriend says that I need a memory card to run the Internet. Is this where I get one?" ======= * Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?" ======= * Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?" ======= I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: * Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" ...or... * Customer: "Do you own the Internet?" ...or... * Customer: "Is this 'Internet' the same as 'www' and do you own that as well?" We would love to be able to say, just once, to these callers, "YES! We are the Internet, and we own all." ======= * Customer: "I have a question about the Internet." * Tech Support: "Ok, what's your question?" * Customer: "How do I unsubscribe from a BBS?" * Tech Support: "Uh, well, you should probably contact the people that run it." * Customer: "Well who owns the Internet?" ======= I once got a "priority" tech support phone call. The guy's first words were: "I'm a vice president at [major ISP company], and we own the Internet." ======= Overheard on a train ride: "The Internet -- isn't that a microchip?" ======= Overheard near the public Internet terminals in the Kiasma Modern Arts Museum in Helsinki, Finland: "Isn't Netscape Navigator the Internet?" ======= Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet." ======= Had a guy call just recently, asking how to get to the Internet through a word processor. ======= * Customer: "What do you mean I have to pay for Internet access??" ======= From a discussion on IRC: * "I have a problem with my Internet. Anyone know how to get the screens smaller?" ======= I got a call from an administrative assistant in our office. She said when she opened Netscape it was smaller than normal, so she could not see the entire Internet. ======= * Customer: "Do you have to use Netscape to get on the Internet, or do you have to use the program Netscape?" ======= * Friend: "I'm going to leave AOL. I think I'll switch to Netscape." * Me: "Um, Netscape isn't a way to get on the Internet. It's what lets you look at the Internet. You need an Internet Service Provider like AOL, CompuServe, or AT&T Worldnet." * Friend: "Oh. I guess I'll get Internet Explorer." ======= * Tech Support: "If you don't have a phone line, you can't connect to the Internet." * Customer: "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You guys need to do something about that if you want people to be happy with your service!" (click) ======= * Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?" ======= * Customer: "Is the Internet down?" ======= * Customer: "I broke the Internet! Can you fix it for me?" ======= * Customer: "The Internet site's giving me a busy signal!" (Usually due to the customer dialing his own phone number with his modem.) ======= * Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" * Tech Support: "Yeah." * Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" * Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." ======= * Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!" ======= Some friends of mine and I stopped at a local bagel/bistro place that had three Macintosh computers hooked up so patrons could surf the web while they eat and slurp their coffee. None were being used. I walked over to them, and there, in front, was a prominent sign reading: "The Internet is down all over the world!" To this day I wonder if the employees were clueless, or if they made that message up to prevent questioning from angry patrons. ======= Bayfield High School announced in their recent yearbook that their introductory technology class had "almost completed rebuilding the Internet." That's some introductory class! ======= I attend a major Australian university, and the library computers are often the only Internet access that students have. This means that the librarians often have to explain to students how to use the net connection. One day as I was doing some research for an assignment, an older gentleman asked the library assistant how to print from a web site. He was fairly web savvy, so he was just asking about selecting and printing the text he wanted. The assistant complimented him on his prudent use of resources and said, "So many students don't do that. They just print out the whole Internet." Now I knew our printers were fast, but I didn't realize they were that fast, or that we had that much paper. It was a real effort not to butt in and correct her, or burst out laughing, or both. ======= I am a student studying Computer Systems Engineering. In my final year, I moved into a house with a few friends, one of which was a woman studying English. As I was the only person connected to the Internet from our house, they all used my computer to check email and so forth. Well the English major kept asking me if she could have a look on "my Internet." I said she could, and she logged in and directed the browser to a search engine so she could find the information she wanted. Fifteen minutes later: * Her: "You really should get some English literature on your Internet. All I can find is computer-related stuff. The computers at the University have all sorts of information on their Internet. Maybe you should ask them for a copy?" ======= Several months ago, a woman came in and wanted to start an Internet account. She lugged her 17" monitor in, sat it on the counter, and proudly proclaimed, "I would like you to setup Internet on my computer." Holding in my laughter as best I could, I politely explained that she needed to bring in the "other" part of her computer. ======= * Tech Support: "This is technical support returning your call for support. How can I help you?" * Customer: "I want to lodge a complaint." * Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "I specifically asked you not to program my Internet with pornography. I want it removed immediately." ======= * Customer: "My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at [a British comedy site]." * Tech Support: "Yes, what is the problem?" * Customer: "The '.uk' at the end -- doesn't that stand for United Kingdom?" * Tech Support: "Yes." * Customer: "Just great -- I knew it! He's in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?" * Tech Support: "It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges." * Customer: "No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn't make any sense that they wouldn't. England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to." After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back. * Customer: "Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL." * Tech Support: "Yes?" * Customer: "Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?" * Tech Support: "Trust me -- they don't." * Customer: "Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn't know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service." ======= * Customer: "I can't get any information off the Internet." * Tech Support: "What happens when you hit our icon?" * Customer: "What do you mean?" * Tech Support: "When you double click our icon does the modem dial up?" * Customer: "What do you mean 'dial'?" * Tech Support: (suppressed sigh) "Ok, when you hit our icon does the modem make a noise?" * Customer: "Which one is your icon?" * Tech Support: (banging head on desk) "The [company name] icon." * Customer: "I don't have that." * Tech Support: "You do have an account with us don't you?" * Customer: "Yes, of course I do." * Tech Support: "And our software is installed?" * Customer: "Oh, no. I've been on the Internet and downloaded all the information on it, so I took your software off." ======= * Customer: "Yes, hello, could please send me again one of those Internet programs of yours?" * Tech Support: "Sure, but didn't you get one when you subscribed with us?" * Customer: "Yes, well I threw that one away!" * Tech Support: "Why did you do that, if I may ask?" * Customer: "Well, I installed all the programs and connected the first time and downloaded all the Internet, so I saw no use for it any more, so I uninstalled everything and threw the CD away." * Tech Support: (playing along) "Ok. But if you have downloaded all the Internet, why do you need another disk?" * Customer: "Well, I forgot to download some part of the Internet." ======= * Tech Support: "Ok sir, you're going to need to download those drivers from our web site. Do you have an Internet connection?" * Customer: "WHAT!?!? OF COURSE I HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION!!!!!!! THIS IS THE 90'S!!!! This office has 30 PC's, each with an ISDN line for our graphic design business!" * Tech Support: "Great. Well, you should have no problems then. You need to go to our web site and download 'CDROM.EXE'." * Customer: "And this will fix my problem, right?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir." * Customer: "Ok, now what number do I dial to get on the Internet?" ======= I'm the executive director of a company which produces communication media software, our principle program being a chat client. Sometime back, in the days when I was still working for this company in technical and product support services, we used to do a lot of real time on-line support service on our chat server. One day on site, I saw a man come into the room I happened to be working in. As I had the official company insignia of a support tech by my name, everyone else in the rather crowded room kept telling him to ask me. Now, keep in mind, all the chat dialogue in the room was scrolling very quickly. New users often find it difficult to follow a "threaded" conversation, and this guy was no exception. * Him: "LADY? CAN YOU HELP ME OR NOT???!!!" * Me: "What seems to be the problem?" * Him: "HUH???!!! ..WAS THAT TO ME?!!!" * Me: "Yes; what seems to be the problem?" * Him: "WHAT??????!!!!!!! I CAN'T FOLLOW YOU!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU SAY???!!! ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME OR NOT???!!!" * Me: "Yes, sir. I'm trying to ascertain the nature of your problem. Let me move us both to a private room where we can speak without all of these other distractions." * Him: "I TOLD YOU!!! I DON'T HAVE TIME!!!! I NEED HELP NOW!!!!" * Me: "Yes. What is the problem you need help with?" * Him: "I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO GET ON THE INTERNET!!!!!" ======= * Customer: "I just went out and bought the newest unit they have out and having trouble hooking up to the Internet!" * Tech Support: "What type of machine are you running?" * Customer: "A Nintendo 64!" * Tech Support: "Sorry, but you can't hook that up to the Internet. You need a computer with a modem first." * Customer: "Well, can't I just buy a modem thing and stuff it inside somewhere?" ======= * Customer: "Am I supposed to hear those people on the IRC?" I wondered if he was calling because he couldn't hear them, or because he could. ======= I fix computers for most of my friends, so it's not uncommon for a friend to approach me about fixing one of their friend's computers. What is uncommon is the fact that this woman completely dismantled not one but two of her computers because it wouldn't connect to the Internet. (She figured she could open the case and find the problem?) I was expecting to receive two PCs that would require the reinsertion of graphics cards, and possibly a drive or two from the description, but that wasn't to be. What I was given was a huge box full of parts. She went to the trouble of unscrewing the motherboards from their casings in her frenzy. I have no clue why she did all of this, but she said she just got pissed and didn't stop until every single component was taken apart. My friend then informed me that she didn't need two working computers, so if I just made one computer out of the box of hardware, she'd give me one of her LCD monitors, because she wouldn't need the other. I agreed, since I'd been planning on getting a new monitor anyway. Nine hours later, I had one fully functional computer. It wouldn't have normally take that long, but the situation was so funny that a good portion of the time I spent putting it together I was laughing too hard to really do anything. I called the woman up and told her I was finished. She came over the next day with my monitor, and I gave her her computer. I told her that if she had any more problems to call me, and I'd help her through it. I got a call an hour later. The computer still wouldn't connect to the Internet. This was odd, because I'd been able to connect at my house the night before, and I'd downloaded updated drivers and everything. I told her I was on my way over. So I got there and checked things out. Everything was hooked up correctly. She had a LAN connection that was actually connected, but sure enough, I couldn't connect to the Internet. I asked her where her modem or router was, and she just stared at me blankly. So I followed the ethernet cable and found a router. It was set up right, the DSL modem was connected to the router in the correct manner, but then I discovered that there was no phone line connected to the modem. Once I pointed this out, she pulled out a 50 foot phone line that she'd purchased specifically for her modem, and I hooked it up. I found the nearest phone outlet and discovered there was a DSL/phone line adapter hooked up to the jack. She'd bought a line, prepared the jack, but never connected it all up. Because of that, she'd torn apart two computers and gave me a monitor. e have a service contract at a local college. I got a call one day from someone who said that their Mac IIsi was having a problem. Upon questioning him, he said that whenever he typed on the keyboard, the image on the monitor was shaking. All sorts of monitor problems ran through my mind. I asked him if it was only when he typed and he replied yes. Well, since it was a contract, I figured we'd better go see what was happening. My tech called me about ten minutes after arriving and reported that the problem was not the computer, but his desk. The desk vibrated every time he typed on his keyboard. I am still shaking my head on this one. The sad thing is that this guy has "Dr." in front of his name and is a professor at a major college. ======= For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. * Me: "Don't touch me!" * Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." * Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. ======= Once I got a call about a noisy keyboard. I went over, and, sure enough, every time I pressed a key, I heard a crackling noise. I pulled the keyboard apart, and imagine my surprise when 40 (yes, I counted them) paper clips fell out over the desk. Seems that every time a crumb of whatever she was eating fell into the keyboard, she would try to clean it out with a paper clip, mostly losing the clip into the keyboard too. ======= Many people have called to ask where the "any" key is on their keyboards when the "Press Any Key" message is displayed. ======= * Tech Support: "If there is anything else we can help with, please give us a call." * Customer: "Well...I was wondering if you could just tell me something people ask you that is really stupid, so I don't feel like such a moron." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, you're not stupid. People aren't born with knowledge, it takes time. One of the silliest questions we get from new users is, 'Where is the any key?'" * Customer: "Well, DUH! Even I know where that is!" ======= I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius. ======= * Customer: "Is that dot as in comma?" ======= * Tech support: "Now, press the up arrow." * Customer: "I don't see any up arrow." * Tech support: "It's above the rest of the arrows at the lower left." * Customer: "All I see above the arrows is an 'I' with a funny little hat on it." * Tech support: "Press that!" ======= Our last receptionist called me to complain that the keys on her new keyboard were hard to push. She asked me to install a program to "soften up her keyboard keys." ======= My journalism teacher was the most computer illiterate person that I have ever met. * Her: "What does the F1 key do?" * Me: "It depends on what program you are using, it usually is just a keyboard shortcut." * Her: "No, I mean what does it DO?" * Me: "It just simplifies a function, so you don't have to select it from the menu." * Her: "But how does it WORK?" This went on for a few more minutes, and eventually I had to tell her the truth: that it really doesn't do anything. ======= One user told me he couldn't find the 'OK' button on his keyboard. ======= I had a call from a customer who was complaining that when she typed, the wrong letters came up on the screen. After some investigation, I learned she had pried off all the letter key caps off her keyboard and rearranged them in alphabetical order. You'd think she'd have figured out the problem herself when her computer stopped working afterward. ======= * Tech Support: "Is the caps-lock light on?" * Customer: "I'm not a computer person." ======= I had an otherwise computer-literate friend who would put the caps-lock on and off every time he wanted a capital letter. He thought the shift key was just for the symbols on the number keys. This probably went on for years. ======= A few years ago, I was working at a small studio in my home town, the studio belonging to Comcast (the TV company). The head director of the studio performed editing on an extremely old computer, something along the lines of Windows 3.1 (this was post-Windows 2000). I was helping him with editing. Since most of the text in TV shows is in all capital letters, his caps-lock key was on. But when it came time to do the credits (which are capitalized in the normal fashion), instead of turning off the caps-lock, he held down the shift key to type the lower case letters. When I showed him the caps-lock feature, he was amazed and thought I was brilliant. ======= I was helping my tech teacher out a few days in July, and I got some calls from potential customers. One of them was this little boy who couldn't have been more than six or seven. He was almost in tears. "Everything I type is in caps. What do I do? My Mom's going to kill me!" ======= Some years ago, my brother's girlfriend was doing some clerical work. Her boss insisted on sending memos IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, ALL THE TIME. After fruitless appeals from the staff, finally one worked: somebody mentioned that regular "sentence case" should be used, because it "took up less space." Obviously, the meaning was that, with proportionally-spaced fonts, lowercase letters were smaller on the screen, but the boss thought it meant that uppercase letters took up more space in RAM and on disk. He promptly issued a memo telling the staff to refrain from using uppercase whenever possible. ======= This, while fixing a problem starting up the system: * Tech Support: "What other strange irregularities do you notice when you boot up?" * Customer: "My numlock lights up. Could that be the problem?" ======= I received a call from one of the top managers in our company. * Him: "When I start up my computer and have to type in my program, I can use the numbers on the right side of the keyboard. So that is great. But sometimes, if I hit numlock, they don't work anymore, and I have to use the ones above the letters. They work again if I hit numlock and a light goes on. Is this right?" * Me: "Yes. Numlock is the number lock key. It lets you switch between--" * Him: "So it's not broken?" * Me: "No." * Him: "Well I think you should tell others about this feature. I think they could use it." * Me: "That's a great idea." * Him: "Great then. Bye." * Me: "Bye." I turned to my co-workers and said, "You won't believe the call I just got..." ======= I am a computer science student in my senior year. One day the professor asked the class if anyone knew who's the biggest PC retailer in the market nowadays. Of course, many said "IBM," which is not true. "The correct answer is Dell," smiled the professor. Then a girl from my class who was sitting behind me whispered to her friend: "Oh, right! That's why there's that 'Dell' key on all those keyboards." To which her friend answered, "Ohhhhhhhhh!" ======= One user noted that MAC keyboards are typically relatively small, but that IBM keyboards are "big" things with "keys all around the top and down the sides" and so forth. He figured that this might be one of the reasons why IBMs and MACs "don't like to talk to each other." ======= I was helping an executive-type over the phone with a VMS command. I kept giving him a command to type, something like "whois xyz1234". He kept getting an error back. Finally I asked him to read exactly what he was typing, letter-by-letter, "w-h-o-i-s-s-p-a-c-e-x-y-z-1-2-3-4". I told him to type a blank instead of the word "space." He then asked me how to do that. Trying not to laugh, I explained what that long key at the bottom of the keyboard was for. ======= * Tech Support: "Now press the spacebar." * Customer: "Return bar?" * Tech Support: "No, space bar. Space." * Customer: "I have an enter bar, return bar, and a shift key?" * Tech Support: "No, space. Space bar. The long horizontal key." * Customer: [confused sounds] * Tech Support: "Ok, see your c, v, b, n, and m keys?" * Customer: "Yes...." * Tech Support: "Right under them." * Customer: "Oh." ======= * Customer: "I don't have a space bar." ======= I was doing usual work in my Computer Literacy class, when a kid came in and sat at the computer next to me to type up a report for another class. I went to get something I had printed off to turn in and glanced at his screen. He wasn't double-spacing, like the teacher had told us to, I though maybe he forgot. * Me: "Hey, you know, this is supposed to be double-spaced, right?" * Him: "I am double spacing. See?" He proceeded to type a word, hit the spacebar twice, and continued typing. He then asked me how to make it so that whenever he hit the spacebar, it would make two spaces. ======= * Tech Support: "Use the right arrow key to move to the next field on the screen." * Customer: "You mean the 'Backspace' key?" * Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the right arrow key." * Customer: "You mean the 'Enter' key?" * Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the right arrow key." * Customer: "I don't have a right arrow key." * Tech Support: (head in hands) "Point to the space bar on the keyboard." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Now, move you finger to the right." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Did you find the left arrow key?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "The right arrow key is two more keys to the right." * Customer: "Oh, ok." ======= I'm a network administrator at a local school district, and I get some doozies. * Teacher: "My keyboard is broken." * Me: "What is it doing to make you think it's broken?" * Teacher: "When I go to type my password it doesn't type it right. No matter what I type, it's always a little star." * Me: "Yes, it is supposed to do that." * Teacher: "Well, how does it know if I get it right or wrong if it's always little stars!?" * Me: "It displays the asterisks so no one else can see your password." * Teacher: "That is stupid. I hate Bill Gates." ======= In the first day of an introductory computer science class, the teacher explained the basic parts of a computer, how to boot, etc. At the end of the class, the teacher asked if there were any questions. * Student: "Yes, sir. Why do we have two 'Enter' keys on a keyboard?" * Teacher: "The reason is simple, if you break this 'Enter' key you can use the second one." ======= * Customer: "How many keys are on the 124-key keyboard?" ======= * Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?" ======= * Customer: "Upper or lower caps?" ======= * Customer: "Lower case? What's that?" ======= * Customer: "What's the zero-with-the-slash-through-it mean?" ======= * Customer: "Is that the letter zero or the number zero?" ======= * Customer: "How do you type an uppercase zero?" ======= I taught in colleges and technical schools. I taught all level of classes from rank beginner to the very advanced in databases and worksheets. One of the best things for any student to do is to be able to type. Being able to find your way around the keyboard is important. In one of my beginner classes, I had an elderly gentleman who bought a computer to track his stocks. He was at the computer that I connected to the overhead projector that displayed the monitor for the entire class to see. We were in Word, and I asked the class to type the word "book." This gentleman looked at his keyboard for the letter 'B'. I could see him looking across each row, searching for the letter 'B'. He searched and searched, then with a smile, typed the letter 'B'. Then he began looking for the letter 'O'. He searched and searched for the letter 'O', once mistaking the zero key for the letter 'O'. He searched some more and finally found the letter 'O'. He pressed the 'O' key. Then he began searching for the next letter 'O'. At this point, the other students and I knew we were in for a long class. ======= I'm a librarian for a public library. Once a 12 year old girl asked me, "Why is it that when I hit the 'L' key, the computer puts a one on the screen?" ======= A friend of mine was typing a letter up in Notepad and called me saying that the letters were upside down. I've heard a few things in my time but never heard of upside down letters. So I went over and had a look. Everything looked fine, but she said no, the L's are upside down. It still took a minute to figure out what she meant. But, yeah, a lower case L looks like an upside down upper case L. ======= First call, Monday morning. I knew it was going to be one of those days right from the start. The call wasn't going well at all. Bob, the customer, just wasn't getting it. * Me: "Ok, Bob, type a capital 'B', then press enter." * Bob: "A capital B?" * Me: "Right, capital 'B' as in Bob." * Bob: "Capital 'B' as in Bob?" * Me: "Exactly. Capital B as in Bob!" * Bob: (long pause) "That's the one with two loops, right?" He became known as Two-Loop Bob from that moment on. His saga has been passed down from from each call center generation to the next. ======= * Tech Support: "Now let's type in the password where it says password." * Customer: "My password is HSD13...." * Tech Support: "No, don't tell me your password, just type it in. And remember, those letters are in capitals." * Customer: "And the numbers, would those be capitals too?" ======= * Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' --" * Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?" ======= * Customer: "Uhh, I dont have a '7' key." * Tech Support: "It's between the '6' and '8'." * Customer: "I don't have a '7' key." * Tech Support: "Do you see the '1' key?" * Customer: "Yeah." * Tech Support: "What's to the right of that?" * Customer: "'2'." * Tech Support: "And further right?" * Customer: "'3', '4', '5', '6'." * Tech Support: "What's the next one?" * Customer: "'8'." * Tech Support: "It should be to the left of the '8' and the right of the '6'." * Customer: "Ohhhh, that '7' key." ======= * Customer: "Now, does it matter if that's an upper or lower case 'forward slash'?" * Tech Support: "Sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what an upper case 'forward slash' looks like?" * Customer: "Oh, well, I guess that would make it a question mark!" * Tech Support: "Ok sir, just make it a lower case 'forward slash' then." ======= * Customer: "Do you want a forward backslash?" ======= * Customer: "The backslash with the question mark, right?" ======= * Customer: "After that is a bottom slash." ======= * Customer: "Then there's a little slash...." ======= I teach an introductory programming course. The first assignment is to write a program to evaluate an integral. A common question I get is, "Where's the integral key?" ======= I was helping a customer type in an email address. When it came time to type the '@' sign, he said, "Now where's the AOL key?" I cried. ======= A few months ago, a co-worker came into work and told me that his daughter brought home a school assignment. She was supposed to convert Roman numerals into Arabic and vice versa. He wasn't able to help her since he wasn't exactly a model student when he was in school. I went home and downloaded a conversion program to a floppy disk for him. He's not very computer literate so I tried my best to make things as simple as possible. It was an executable file, all he had to do was click on it and enter whatever number he wanted, and it would convert automatically. After a few days, I asked him if he ever loaded the program I gave him. He said, "No, I didn't do it. My keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals." ======= * Friend: "Hey, I'm having a problem with my word processor." * Me: "Okay, what are you trying to do?" * Friend: "Well, I want to use roman numerals, but I can't find the keys for them on the keyboard." * Me: "Um, well, you know how the roman numeral for one looks like a capital I? You just use a capital I." * Friend: "Oh, okay. What about the one for a two?" * Me: "Well, for that you use two I's." * Friend: "Oooh, I get it! But what about the five? You know that letter that looks kind of like a V?" * Me: "...You use a V for that." * Friend: "Oh, I get it now! Thanks!" ======= * Co-Worker: "I have a keyboard error on my screen." * Me: "Can you look on the back on the computer and see if there is a purple plug plugged in?" * Co-Worker: "Yes, it's in." * Me: "Ok, unplug it and plug it back in." * Co-Worker: (grunt, grunt) "It won't come out." * Me: "Ok, I'll be there in just a minute." The keyboard plug was unplugged. The user was trying to pull out the whole PS/2 port. ======= * Tech Support: "You need to pick a password. It should contain a combination of numbers, symbols, and upper and lowercase letters." * Customer: "Upper and lowercase? I don't understand." * Tech Support: "You know, big letters and little letters?" * Customer: "Oh, of course! But I have to say, you have to avoid that technical language with me!" ======= I once watched our new system administrator trying to bring one of our servers up. He needed to type "i386" which was part of a path name. * Him: "Where's the key for that line thing?" * Me: "Huh?" * Him: "You know, that one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark." * Me: "You mean the letter 'i'?" * Him: "Yeah, that's it!" ======= This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. * Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." * Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." ======= * Customer: "Where can I find the letters 'com' and 'dot' on my keyboard?" ======= * Customer: "So I hold down control, alternator, and delete?" ======= My girlfriend told me she used the "central alt delete" key to reboot her computer. ======= * Customer: "Ok, so I've pressed remote control delete to log on...." ======= * Customer: "I press central-alt-delete to log on...." ======= I was teaching a computer class for beginners, and one student got angry because the notes said "Cntl" but the key said "Ctrl." ======= A friend's computer had crashed. He told me to press "Colt, Alt, Del." It turned out that he always referred to the control key as "colt." ======= Back in the good old pre-PC days we sold a system that required the user to hit Ctrl-A in order to sign on. We sold one to some outfit in Canada. Well, trying to get them going over the phone took an hour. We'd say, "Hit Ctrl-A," and they'd say, "Ok, we hit Ctrl, eh? And nothing happened, eh?" ======= I saw a woman sitting patiently at her desk, staring directly at her monitor, doing nothing. Figuring something was up, I looked over her shoulder to see that she had typed her name on the command line. I asked what she was waiting for, and her reply was that she was waiting for the computer to log her on. Only problem, she hadn't hit the "LOG ON" key. She'd have sat there all day. ======= Back in the 1980s, I was installing a computer system in a remote operation we just acquired. The assistant manager was an MBA in his late 20s. When I tried to teach him how to login, I told him to type "user1," and he just stared at the keyboard. After about 15 seconds, he reached out and hit the "u." Ten seconds later, he typed the "s." After about ten more, he finally found the "e." When he went to type in his password, it was something like "apple." He found the "a," then he found the "p," then he stared at the keyboard trying to find the "p" again. By the time I left, I had trained him to leave one finger on a letter if he knew he would need it again soon. ======= Another user called in one day with an installation problem. I talked him through the process of getting to a DOS prompt and asked him to type, "D I R Space A Colon" and press Enter. I heard 5 slow erratic key clicks followed by a very long pause. Finally, he asked, "What's the colon look like?" I told him it's the key with one dot below another dot. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "The two-dots key! Why didn't you say so?" ======= I worked in computer support for a medical staffing company. One day, a doctor called and said that he "wanted to call the Internet." I instantly knew it was going to be one of those kinds of calls. I instructed him to open his browser. "What's a browser?" he asked. After a brief walk-through, he was ready to go. Then I told him to type in an address. * Me: "Type 'http://...'" * Him: "It didn't work." * Me: "Ok, read me the address you typed." * Him: "H-T-T-P-C-O-L-O-N--" * Me: "No, no. Colon, on the keyboard." * Him: "What?" * Me: "Do you know what a colon is?" * Him: "Of course I do. I am a doctor." ======= * Customer: "Exclamation mark -- that's the big stick with the dot underneath, right?" ======= I had a customer the other day that called the "plus" sign a "prostitute" sign. ======= * Customer: "It still doesn't work." * Tech Support: "And you are typing the underscore character?" * Customer: "Yes. I call it the dash." ======= A friend of mine had just discovered email, and I noticed him pause for a few moments, examining the keyboard. "What's wrong?" I asked. He said, "Where's the smiley key!?!" ======= I once overheard a support representative tell a customer that she types slowly because she has a left-handed keyboard. ======= I worked at the computer help desk at Dartmouth College last year. Once, one of my co-workers finished a call, then looked at me blankly, then started laughing. The caller had spilled soda on her keyboard and removed the bottom row of keys on her keyboard to get the liquid out. She called us so we could tell her the order of that row of keys. ======= I worked at a help desk for a bank. I had received many calls from a lady who insisted on drinking coffee by her computer, even though she tended to spill it. One day the lady called yet again. * Customer: "My keyboard isn't working." * Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?" * Customer: "It won't respond." * Tech Support: "Did you spill coffee on it again?" * Customer: "I MAY have." ======= A user called me with problems installing her PC Access and it sounded like it might be a defective floppy, so I had her get to a DOS prompt. I told her to type "D I R Space A Colon" and press Enter. After a long pause she asked, "Do you want anything in that space?" ======= * Tech Support: "Type 'D I R Space A Colon.'" * Customer: "Is there a space after 'space'?" ======= I work in Front Line Support, and usually we dial into our customers sites to troubleshoot problems. One evening a co-worker was not able to dial into a customer's site, so he was working with the customer by phone and trying to walk him through displaying system messages. The user was in the computer room where there were multiple servers. * Customer: "No matter what I type nothing is showing up on the screen." * Tech Support: "Can you check to see that the keyboard is plugged in?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "No? How come?" * Customer: "I can't get behind the computers." * Tech Support: "Pick up your keyboard, hold onto it, and take ten steps backward." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Did the keyboard come with you?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "That keyboard is not plugged into any of the systems. Is there another keyboard?" * Customer: "Yes, there is one on a lower shelf. Oh. This one works." ======= * Friend: "I just set up the new computer I bought, but I can't get the keyboard to work." * Me: "What shape plug does the keyboard have? And what color is it?" * Friend: "It's round and purple." * Me: "On the back of the machine, there will be a small, round, purple hole. Can you see that?" * Friend: "I see a purple hole, but it's not the right one, because it says its PS2. I don't have a Playstation 2." ======= I started hearing a very faint beep when I was typing, but it was not consistent, and since it was so faint, it was hard to tell where it was coming from. I pondered, confirmed that it wasn't any of the obvious problems, and then started thinking that maybe my keyboard was messed up. I knew better, but maybe there was a small alarm inside my keyboard...an "excess wear" indicator, maybe? (I know, but I didn't have any better ideas.) Finally I decided to sit down and figure it out once and for all. I took the keyboard off the desk to begin my detective work and found, underneath the keyboard, a digital thermometer. It had been sitting under there the whole time. My typing was hitting the on/off button on the thermometer, causing it to beep. ======= I find it curious how you almost never see "press any key" instructions that are honest enough to say, "except Shift, Caps Lock, Control, Alt, Num Lock, Scroll Lock...." ======= I had so many students make the following error that I learned to warn them against it in advance. When asked to press the Caps Lock key, they would press the little indicator light instead of the key itself. ======= It's really bad when the computer does something stupid. Presumably, the programmers of the operating system or system software would know better. Many computers are known to report the following error message when the keyboard is not plugged in: "Error #101: No keyboard. Press F1 to continue." ...or some variation thereof. ======= * Customer: "What am I getting a keyboard error for? The keyboard isn't even plugged in!" ======= Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?" ======= Emailed to a corporate help desk: I spillced coffcee cincto my kcey boardc.c As a rcesulct, c's gcet inctermixcced with cwactever I ctypce. Plcease replace mcy kceyboard. ccthanks. ======= I work on the help desk of a small ISP. Yesterday I had a phone call from a customer wanting to know how to set up his mail. The mail server address contained a hyphen. * Tech Support: "Ok, now insert a hyphen." * Customer: "What's a hyphen?" * Tech Support: "It's the same as a dash." * Customer: "What's a dash?" * Tech Support: "Another name for a minus sign." He seemed to know what that was, so we proceeded to enter the rest of his settings. On completion, he got an error message saying he could not be logged in to the mail server. I took him back into the settings and asked him to read out what he had entered for the mail server name. When we got to the point where the hyphen should be, he said "squiggly line." * Tech Support: "Hang on a second, what did you say?" * Customer: "Squiggly line." * Tech Support: "No, you need to put in a dash, or minus sign. It's just a horizontal line." * Customer: "Oh." He tried again and still couldn't connect. Back into the settings we go. When he got to the point the hyphen should be, he said it was a "horseshoe-like thingy." We tried again. Next time it was a "diagonal line." I don't remember how many times we went through this. Finally I had to direct him to where the hyphen key was physically located on the keyboard. * Customer: "Oh, is that what you mean?" ======= My father was just getting into using a computer. He loved Solitaire and would play with it for hours, so I thought I'd set him up with a different game. I set up Nascar Racing, and off he was, having a great time, until the race ended. I heard him pressing keys and getting a bit frustrated. Finally he asked me for help. He said that the game was broken. It turned out that the game was instructing him to "Press ESC," and he was hitting the 'E', 'S', and 'C' keys in succession. ======= * Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." * Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." * Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." * Customer: "What do you mean?" * Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." * Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" ======= We moved to a paperless office model and adopted email in lieu of paper memos. The changeover seemed difficult for one particularly senior employee. She seemed to be reading her email just fine, since she knew what was going on, but nobody could recall that she had ever sent email. One day she came into the main office and announced that she wanted to send email. "But I have one question," she said to one of the secretaries. "How do I get the little blank space to show up between words?" ======= My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!" ======= * Customer: "When I do F10, it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Can you open up that screen and try it?" I heard three clicks on the keyboard. * Customer: "See there, nothing." * Tech Support: "Just try one button, the one marked F10. Do you see it? On the top row?" * Customer: "How do I type all three letters with one key?" * Tech Support: "No, look at the top row of keys. What do you see?" * Customer: "Funny Squiggle Key, One Key, Two Key..." * Tech Support: "Hang on, look at the row ABOVE that." * Customer: "Um, wait, what is this?" * Tech Support: "Read me what you see." * Customer: "OK, here I see some F-ing keys." * Tech Support: "These are the...F-ing keys I was talking about." * Customer: "Which one do you want me to press?" * Tech Support: "F10." * Customer: "Is that an F1 and an F0?" * Tech Support: "F0? Do you have an F0 key?" * Customer: (mumble) * Tech Support: "Skim over to the right, and you should see one marked F10." * Customer: "Actually, I did. Will that work?" * Tech Support: "Yes. Press it now." * Customer: "On the left or right?" * Tech Support: (???) "This isn't a mouse thing. Just press it." * Customer: "Hey, it works!" ======= I was a systems engineer working on a UNIX system for a contract for a Swedish customer. Inevitably, they wanted Swedish keyboard formats and the like which were slightly different from the British ones we were developing the system on. In the fairly early stages of development, I was the system administrator and was halfway through converting the PCs to Swedish layouts. Of course, new keyboard layouts need a little time to get accustomed to. While logged in as 'root' (the superuser account on UNIX machines), I wanted to remove the contents of a directory and all subdirectories, so I used the command rm -r * -- which should remove all files and subdirectories in the current directory. When I looked up at the screen from my Swedish keyboard, I realised that the keyboard was set up to the British version. Unfortunately, the '*' on Swedish keyboard is in the same place as a '~' on a British keyboard, so the command became rm -r ~. In UNIX, this means remove all files in all subdirectories from your home directory. If you're logged in as the root user, the home directory (frequently, anyway, and in this case) is the root directory. Needless to say, the PC didn't boot again, and unfortunately (bad me!) I didn't have any backups, so I spent two days remaking the environment. * Tech Support: "Sir, I need you to click once on your America Online icon." * Customer: "Ok..." clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka * Customer: "Uh, 'invalid path'." * Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the icon ONE time for me?" clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka * Customer: "Icon still says 'invalid path'." * Tech Support: "Could you PLEASE CLICK ONE TIME, and ONLY ONE TIME, on the America Online icon?" * Customer: "Uh, just one time?" * Tech Support: "YES." * Customer: "Ok." ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, now click on that icon." Repeated taps of the spacebar resound. * Customer: [thickly accented] "It not wolking." * Tech Support: "No, no. Use the button on the mouse, not the spacebar." Tap, tap, tap goes the spacebar. * Customer: "It not wolking!" ======= * Customer: "I paid $1000 for this thing, and now the power button isn't working. I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working--" * Tech Support: "Okay, sir, let's--" * Customer: "It's off now, and if I press one of these other buttons on the bottom, it comes on." * Tech Support: "Yes sir, it's designed to do that." * Customer: "If I press and hold the power button..." * Tech Support: "Sir, you don't need to do that." * Customer: "..the backlight comes on." * Tech Support: "Yes sir, it's designed to do that." * Customer: "But the power button isn't working. I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working, I'm pressing it, it's not working...." ======= * Tech Support: "Can I get your phone number starting with the area code?" * Customer: "You don't have it?" * Tech Support: "No I don't, but could I get it from you?" * Customer: "Ok, but I don't think my modem is working." * Tech Support: "No, could you please tell it to me verbally." * Customer: "Is that what the 'V' in my 'PB24DBFV' is?" * Tech Support: "Sort of, but could you just say your phone number over the phone now?" * Customer: "Ooohhhh, ok..." ======= * Tech Support: "Thank you for calling. May I have your phone number beginning with area code first, please?" There was a pregnant pause, then a series of touch tones. * Tech Support: "Hello? I need your phone number, please." More touch tones. * Tech Support: "Hi, can you hear me?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Great, then can you please tell me your phone number so I can pull up your file?" More touch tones. * Tech Support: "Sir, what's your name?" * Customer: [name] * Tech Support: "Great, now can you tell me your phone number?" Touch tones again. * Tech Support: "Please, tell me your phone number." * Customer: "Again?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir, if you don't mind, but can you please just tell me verbally?" Touch tones yet again. * Tech Support: "Sir, contrary to popular opinion, support is not half machine. I'll need you to verbally tell me your phone number with your mouth so I can bring up your account info, got it?" * Customer: "You people are rude as well as incompetent." Click. ======= I was working at a company with an in-house IT helpdesk. One day the port on the firewall that we used for FTP was down. I'm not a techie, but I knew something about the process. I called the helpdesk. * Me: "The firewall seems to be down. Can someone check it please?" * Tech Support: "Sure. What is your location, and we'll send someone to take a look at it." * Me: "No. It's not a problem with my PC; it's a problem with the firewall." * Tech Support: "Ok. But we'll send someone to come and take a look at it." * Me: "Could you please ask the firewall administrator to check whether the firewall is up? It's not managed on my PC!" * Tech Support: "Ok. So, when can someone come and take a look at it?" * Me: "I'll be here all day." Bring it on. ======= I used to work as a technician at a computer repair place. A laptop was assigned to me with the symptom "goes real slow." I booted the thing up, and it took over 20 minutes. The system showed only 10% available resources, the Task Bar was completely solid with programs running in the background, and the Desktop was full of icons. I told the owner that the system was running slow because of all of the programs running in the background. His response was that this was a "State of the Art" system (it wasn't) and should be able to handle it. I told him that I drove a Chevy Sprint to school and work. It physically had enough room for 10 bags of concrete, but if I put that many bags in it, it would not go very fast if at all. I offered to let him back up his data, and I would restore the system. He didn't like my analogy or solution and proceeded to call the "experts" at the company that manufactured his laptop. He shipped it to them, and they restored it without backup, and it ran fine. Then he came into the store complaining to me about the service. I said, "You asked them to make it go faster, and they did." At that point he got verbally abusive and had to be escorted out of the store. His last words were, "I know you have my programs and data somewhere in here, and my lawyer will be suing you to get it back!" We never saw him again. ======= * Tech Support: "Now I want you to click the right mouse button over the [ISP] icon." * Customer: "Yep." * Tech Support: "Did a menu appear with 'Properties' being listed at the bottom?" * Customer: "No! It just says [ISP], and there's two buttons, 'Connect' and 'Cancel'." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's just try again. You must have double clicked using the left mouse button. No problem, just click 'Cancel'. Now, I'd like you to click the button on the right of the mouse, not the left, and I'd like you to click it only once." * Customer: "Now it says 'Create Shortcut Here'!" * Tech Support: "Ok, click on 'Cancel'." * Customer: "Left or right button?" * Tech Support: "Left, please." * Customer: "Now what?" * Tech Support: "Ok, let's just try this again." * Customer: "All right then, one last time." * Tech Support: "Right, ok, please click the right mouse button over [ISP] and please try and keep the mouse still when doing so." * Customer: "Which button is the left button?" * Tech Support: "Not the left button!" * Customer: "Which one's that?!" * Tech Support: (groan, sigh, urgh) * Customer: "Oh, never mind. 'Properties' is listed." From all I could tell, everything went fine from then on. The configuration was right, and everything seemed to be working. But on a visit to the client's site later, we discovered multiple shortcuts all over the desktop and quicklaunch bar, files placed wherever, and general disarray. ======= My co-worker once downloaded a small program off the Internet, to her PC. She wanted me to copy it to a floppy so she could install it on her computer at home. That was fine, but she insisted I copy it from the icon she used to open the program, right off the desktop. No amount of explaining the concept of "shortcuts" would deter her from having it done that way. So I copied the icon to a fresh floppy disk. She took it home, couldn't understand why it wouldn't work, came in the next day, and asked me about it. "Maybe I need a higher density disk?" she asked. ======= * Customer: "I can't print anything!" * Tech Support: "Yes, the print server's down for maintenance. Didn't you read that email I sent?" * Customer: "No, I never got it." * Tech Support: "But I got the return receipt from you. You must have seen it: 'Server down at 4:00pm for maintenance'." * Customer: "Oh, that one. I didn't understand what you meant." * Tech Support: (sigh) "The tech is here trying to fix the SCSI controller. The server was downed so he could work on it." * Customer: "What? I don't understand. Why can't I print? I'm not a computer person! I really need to get these reports out." * Tech Support: "When the message said, 'Please print your jobs before 4:00pm tomorrow,' what didn't you understand?" * Customer: "Huh? What? I really need to print these reports out. It's important!" * Tech Support: "You can't right now. The server is turned off. Like I told you yesterday." Repeat for another ten minutes. ======= * Tech Support: "We have replaced the faulty hard drive for you, sir." * Customer: "So it's a whole new system, is it?" ======= * Friend: "I hate IBM. Go with Apple because Windows sucks." * Me: "What about Linux? Or FreeBSD or another alternate OS?" * Friend: "They don't exist." * Me: "Try www.linux.org." * Friend: "You made them up." ======= Me and a friend live in a small student hall of residence where we have gained a reputation for helping people sort out their computer problems. Last year a fresher electrical engineer upgraded his motherboard and CPU. He came down to dinner that evening and complained that his computer kept freezing up shortly after booting. We offered to take a look at it for him, but he insisted that he and his roommate could sort it out themselves. A week later the problem was still there, but his roommate had 'found out' that it was a problem with the sound card, so they were going to buy a new one the next day. I asked if I could just take a look at it before they bought it. * Me: "What's that noise?" * Him: "Oh, that's the CPU fan." * Me: "It shouldn't be vibrating like that." * Him: "It's fine." * Me: "No, it should be flush against the CPU and fixed firmly in place." * Him: "Don't worry. It's fine." After much persuasion, I got him to remove the case. * Me: "The fan's being held on by an elastic band!?!?" * Him: "Yeah, the arm things snapped off when I was putting it back on." * Me: (as the rubber band starts to smolder): "Do you have ANY IDEA how hot a Pentium II gets??" * Him: "Look, the computer's frozen again. Can't wait to get that new sound card." It turned out he had tried to fit the fan on upside down. The fact that the arms only bent the other way didn't deter him, even when they snapped off. Of course the problem was a simple case of the CPU overheating. Now every time I now see him holding a screwdriver with a look of purpose on his face I want to run screaming. ======= Two friends and I were standing around one day. One of them was fiddling around with his computer, playing a game. He recommended the game to us. But my other friend said that he couldn't install it, because installing it would take up all of his memory, and he'd need to get a new computer. * Me: "What?" * Friend: "It would take up all of my memory." * Me: "Do you mean hard drive space? It won't take up any of your memory to install it." * Friend: "Yeah it would. I only have three gigabytes left." * Me: "Oh. You mean drive space. But three gigabytes is plenty of room." * Friend: "But it'll take it all up!" * Me: "Trust me. If it comes on one CD, it won't take up all of your drive space." Several hours later, I overheard him having a conversation with his roommate. This conversation contained the phrase, "I'd get it, but if I installed it it would take up all of my memory, and I'd have to get a new computer." I just closed my eyes and sighed. ======= One day a girl came to me and complained that she couldn't install Macintosh's OS 8.5. When I got to her room I discovered she had a system running Windows 3.1. * Me: "I can't install OS 8.5 on your machine. This isn't a Macintosh." * Her: "Some computer genius you are, I'll just find someone else that can help me." Last I heard she was still searching for someone to help her. ======= I spent some time helping the school librarian learn about computers. On one day, there was a CD in the drive that was deeply scratched beyond repair. I showed it to the librarian. * Her: "Can't you just fix it?" * Me: "No. He scratched through the data layer." * Her: "Well, can't you just fill it in?" * Me: "No. You'll have to call the disk's publisher and get a new one." * Her: "So what's this disk good for, then?" * Me: "A frisbee, or a coaster." (This was before AOL "coasters" became the big trend, mind you. I was ahead of my time.) * Her: "You're kidding, right?" * Me: "No." * Her: "Really?" * Me: "Really." * Her: "Really?" This repeated for about five minutes. ======= * Student: "Can I check my email here?" * Lab Attendant: "Did you sign up for a student account?" * Student: "Yes." * Lab Attendant: "Ok, just sit at one of the terminals and enter your login name and password." * Student: (blank look) "Login name? What's that?" * Lab Attendant: "It's the name the system assigned you." * Student: (another blank look) * Lab Attendant: (sigh) "The one on the piece of paper we gave you that says, 'Do not lose this information.'" * Student: "I threw that away. It wasn't important, was it?" ======= In my old office, we had software made for Volkswagen Group car dealers. We used to send them to the dealers offices in a small package. Quite often, on some computers, the program refused to start because of some data access component not up to date. As it was a common problem, the problem and solution was clearly illustrated with pictures in the manual, and the updater was on the same CD as the program. I tried in several ways to get the users to read the manual for installation and troubleshooting, which was provided both in printed form and in electronic form on the CD. At the end of the installation, a window would appear saying, "Please read the user guide." A link to the User Manual was installed on the desktop and in the start menu. The first time the program was launched, the User Manual would open automatically. A button for the User Manual was on the main menu of the program, and if the error occurred, the alert window would say, "This is probably caused by a not-updated Data Access Component. Please consult the user manual and follow the instructions for the update." We still got calls from irate users. I walked one person through the update process, and at the end of the call, he asked, "But if it's so common, why don't you write these instructions somewhere?" ======= I was taking a COBOL course at my undergraduate institution. One day I was working in the lab and need to look up something in the manual. The students had access to one in the student support room, usually staffed by students just off the lab. The procedure was just to go in and ask for the manual. * Me: "Can I have the COBOL manual, please?" * Attendant: "There is no COBOL manual." I turned, and I saw what looked to be the correct binder there on the shelf. * Me: "It's not here, or I can't have it?" * Attendant: "There is no COBOL manual." I grabbed the binder with "COBOL" and "manual" on it. * Me: "This looks like the COBOL manual to me." * Attendant: "It is not a COBOL manual. There are no manuals in this room. You do not want this." I opened the book and looked and inside. * Me: "Looks like a manual to me. Yes, this is the information I want." * Attendant: "THERE IS NO COBOL MANUAL OR ANY OTHER MANUAL IN THIS ROOM." * Me: "Look. You're new here, you have had lousy training, and you likely don't know much about computers. See these things on the wall? They are all manuals of various sorts." * Attendant: "No, they are not." * Me: "Can I take this book for a moment, please?" * Attendant: "Get out of my office, and stop bothering me." I later commented to someone that they were hiring incompetent student help. The response I got indicated that the person I had spoken to wasn't actually a student but a university staff member in charge of various computing services and student help desk staffing, and he even taught a course. Needless to say, I never took the course. ======= A customer called to order a copy of Windows 3.11. I looked up her record our our files and discovered her computer was an old 8086 system with a single floppy drive. Our general policy is not to sell products to customers we know won't work, so I advised her that Windows would not run on her system. A few days later, I got a call from the lady. She had purchased Windows 95 on a CD and wanted to help her install it. * Customer: "I don't have a cdrom drive, and the CD is too big to fit in the floppy drive. And the software store won't take it back. So you have to help me install this, because it's all your fault. If you had sold me the version of Windows I wanted, I wouldn't have had to buy Windows 95." ======= * A Friend: "It takes forever for a web page to load on our computer. How come yours is so much faster?" * Me: "Well, what kind of modem do you have?" * A Friend: "I think it's a 486." * Me: "Um, no that's a type of processor. What speed of modem do you have? * A Friend: (confused) "Uh...well, it has Windows 95, it has 16 megs of RAM...I think it's a 14 something modem." * Me: "Ok, you'll need a faster modem to download pages faster." * A Friend: "Why would it need a faster modem?" * Me: "My computer has a 56K modem, and that's a lot faster than the 14.4K modem you have." * A Friend: "But why would it need a faster modem? I could just install Windows 98, right? That should speed it up." This was a few weeks ago. Since then, he bought the Windows 98 upgrade and wanted to know if I could help them install it. He was still convinced that that was all he needed. ======= In my college days, I was responsible for a lab of about sixty desktop PCs. It was open to the public, and there was a particular gentleman who hung around quite a bit and tried to pick up what knowledge he could. We often had to shoo him out, as when young students would come in, he'd attempt to use jargon. (I once caught him teaching a student how to telnet to the keyboard.) When a machine became corrupted for any reason, we had a boot floppy that had the ability to format the HD and pull from network an appropriate disk image for that machine, basically resetting it to an error free state. After seeing this, the man begged us for a copy of the disk. We explained that without our servers, the floppy would do him no good. He was sure it would however. "I've been watching you! You put the disk in and all the software you guys have shows up. I need that at home for my new computer!" After we made several attempts to explain, he stomped out, frustrated. The next day, unbeknownst to us at the time, he broke into my office and stole a boot floppy. It destroyed his computer's contents, and he admitted it two days later when he returned the disk. Of course, he admitted it because he expected us to help him solve his problem. We didn't, knowing full well he'd have to figure it out himself or we'd be doing it again. ======= Investment bankers usually do quite a bit of work from home and outside normal hours, so the majority of calls we took were nightmarish dial-up issues. My personal favorite was when one older gentleman called because he was unable to dial-in to the network. I made several attempts to walk him through some simple instructions to no avail. Each time he would botch the password or just not listen to me and then power the notebook off without shutting down. I warned him not to do that, because he could corrupt the OS or cause a hardware failure, then tried again. Yet again, he botched the password, instead of re-entering it, he shut off the notebook again. Then he said, "Damn it! Now look what you have done to my laptop. It won't even power up!" The person I was training over the phone was laughing so hard while I was on mute that he was crying. ======= I work for a major computer company as part of their direct sales phone line. Occasionally, customers will call to find local retailers that sell our products in their area. We can do that easily. Unfortunately, someone called me and wanted to take it a step further. * Me: "How may I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, I'm looking for [third-party software]." * Me: "I'm sorry, but we generally only sell products made by [my company], and then mostly hardware." * Customer: "Oh, I know that. I wanted to know if that item is available in a store in my area." * Me: "There would be no way I could find that information for you." * Customer: "Well, why not?" * Me: "Because those stores are not owned by [my company], and the program is not made by [my company]." * Customer: "They sell your products though, right?" * Me: "Yes, but why would a company, which is not owned by us, call us up and say, 'Hey guys, we just got 100 boxes of [software].'? And why would we keep a record of it? Have you contacted the store directly to see if it's in stock?" * Customer: "They said they didn't know when they were going to get it in." * Me: "Then why are you calling here?" * Customer: "You guys have no @#$%ing patience. I just asked you a simple question about your products." * Me: "It's not our product. We--don't--make--it." The conversation continued for another five minutes. ======= I work for an ISP. One day a woman called up with problems getting Netscape to locate any sites. After a couple questions it was obvious that she wasn't getting connected. So after a few minutes I got her to the 'connect' window. * Tech Support: "Ok, have you ever seen this screen before?" * Customer: "Yes, but I can't print it." I have no idea why she thought she needed to print this screen. Even after I explained that she didn't need to print the screen, she still wanted to know how to print it. ======= A automated inventory program, recently added to the network had confused the hell out of many of our users. Each PC at our site has a large white sticker next to the power switch with a simple four digit asset number on it. When the audit program runs for the very first time, the user is asked to enter the asset number and told that this is the number on the sticker beside the power switch on their PC. So far, we've had, "WIN" from the Win3X users who are used to entering 'win' at the keyboard after logging in to the network. We've had "STICKER" entered, several times. A number of people have entered their initials. And one poor fool entered "Intel Inside." ======= * Customer: "I would like to buy a game for my kid." * Salesman: "Sure madam, come with me." * Customer: "Are these on floppy disks? The boxes are too light." * Salesman: "Well madam, games are not being released on diskettes any more. They are being released on CDs." * Customer: "CDs?" * Salesman: "Well, do you know the CDs with music?" * Customer: "Yes?" * Salesman: "Same thing, only it contains a PC game, and we use it in the PC, in the cdrom drive. Do you have a cdrom drive in your PC?" * Customer: "Well, I am not sure. Can I buy it and copy it on a floppy disk and use it from there?" * Salesman: "Well no madam, that's not possible." * Customer: "Why?" * Salesman: "It cannot fit in a single floppy disk. It's too small. The game is made to run from the CD and not from the floppy anyway." * Customer: "Well, I can use many floppy disks." * Salesman: "I told you madam, even if you copy it in the disks it won't work. And anyway you would need many disks to do that. Around 400." * Customer: "I think I have 400 disks in my home. How much does the game cost?" ======= * Tech Support: "I need you to click on the 'Start' button." * Customer: "Where is that?" * Tech Support: "It's on the bottom left hand corner of your screen." * Customer: "..." * Tech Support: "Did you find it?" * Customer: "Ahhh.... No. I don't see it." * Tech Support: "Look closely at your screen. In the bottom...left...corner." * Customer: "I don't see it. I only see button that says 'Control'." * Tech Support: "No ma'am, that's on the keyboard. The 'Start' button is on the bottom left corner of your screen. You know, the monitor. The thing that looks like a TV." * Customer: "Aaahhhh, yes!!! Ok." * Tech Support: "..." * Customer: "..." * Tech Support: "Well, did you find it?" * Customer: "No. I still only see 'Control'." ======= Here is the side of the phone conversation you would have heard if you were sitting next to me during this phone call to a customer. * Tech Support: "Ok, if you want to access the program you just installed you need to first go to the start menu...the start menu.... Ok, you get to that by moving your pointer, with the mouse, to the start button...the start button.... You are using Windows 98, correct? Ok, the start button?...in the lower left hand corner of the screen?...the START button...the button that says 'start'... lower left hand corner...start...yes, it looks like a button...says 'start', that's right...start.... Now move your pointer to that button.... No leave the mouse on the table and just slide it.... See how the pointer moves on the screen...? Yes, very neat. Move it over to the start button.... Yes, the button we were just discussing.... Press the button.... What...? Oh...ok, now what I want you to do is push the power button again to turn the computer back on...." ======= I work for an accounting software company doing telephone support. A user called in, obviously confused, and asked me: * Customer: "My printers lights are flashing, what do I do?" * Tech Support: "This is Accounting Software technical support." * Customer: "Ya, I know, just tell me what to do!" * Tech Support: "I would read the manual that came with your printer or call whoever you purchased it from." * Customer: "Well I'm trying to print in your software. Won't you help me?" * Tech Support: "I'm sorry sir, without the manual to your printer, I can't help you. You should really call the manufacturer." * Customer: (expletive, blah, blah, blah, click) About two hours later I got a call from the same guy. * Customer: "I just bought a new printer and I want you to help me set it up." Uggh! ======= I work in the tech support department of an ISP. * Customer: "Hi. I got a Hewlett-Packard Laser Jet printer for Christmas, and I installed the software, and ever since then my screen is smaller. It's a Daewoo monitor. Why is that?" * Tech Support: "Um, well, we are an Internet Service Provider, and we can really only offer technical support for Internet-related problems." * Customer: "Oh. Well I have another question that might be closer to what you do." * Tech Support: "Ok." * Customer: "If I've got an image up on my screen in a program, how do I resize it?" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, what can we do for you today?" * Customer: "Every time I touch this @#$% computer is shocks the @#$% outta me!" * Tech Support: "Oh, ok that's just static electricity. There are devices you can get to stop that from happening. No big deal -- I'll send someone out there to take care of it." * Customer: "No, it's not static electricity. I know what static electricity feels like, and this ain't it. This computer is shocking me! And I know exactly why!" * Tech Support: (dying from curiosity) "Oh ok, tell me why." * Customer: "Greg Parker is always over here messing around with my computer when I'm not at my desk. I told him to keep away from it, and he got mad, so he put a program on my computer that shocks me whenever I touch it! I can't even enter my lot numbers!" * Tech Support: (trying not to laugh) "No, it's gotta be static. There are no such programs. There's no way it could sense who you are." * Customer: "YES THERE IS! I SAW HIM DO IT! A few days after I told him to keep his filthy hands off of my computer, I saw him over here with one of them computer disks. That's when he did it! It started shocking me just after that happened!" * Tech Support: "No, he was probably just copying his files off your computer since you wouldn't let him use it any more." * Customer: "LOOK! I'M TIRED OF GETTING SHOCKED! ARE YOU GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT OR NOT!?" ======= A friend of mine called me up in the afternoon, complaining that his Windows 95 won't start. After half an hour of futile attempts to correct the problem via the phone, I came over to his house. The first thing I did was boot from a bootable disk and do a DIR C:. I saw nothing except directories in C:, no command.com, no io.sys, etc. As it turned out, my friend decided to get "top notch" performance out of his computer, so he started removing all excessive "junk." Unfortunately for him, he considered all files in the root dir of C: useless and erased them all. Having no other better solution, I reinstalled Windows 95. Afterward, I told him not to erase any files from the root directory of C:. I went back home. Twenty minutes later I received a call from him complaining that Windows 95 broke again. Despite my warnings, he cleaned up all the files in C:\ again. ======= I do graphic design for a newspaper, and often an advertiser will want to design its own ad and email it to us, which usually makes my job easier. Not in this case. One day, Outlook Express began freezing every time I tried to receive mail. I called a client I was waiting on an ad from and told him about the problem. As it turned out, he had already sent me an email with an attachment in HTML format. The email tech had said that that was the problem, and it should be fixed as long as no one sent me any more HTML attachments. That sounded a little strange to me, but I didn't have time to investigate further. I checked my email and found another email from the client with an attachment called "FINISHED 1" -- no extension on the filename. I couldn't read the file, so I called back. * Me: "Hi, it's me again, from the newspaper. I need to go ahead and have you resend the ad, except--" * Him: "Ok, I'll have it to you right away." * Me: "Wait, I talked to the email tech, and he said that the reason my email wasn't working was that--" * Him: "But it's fixed now? I'll resend it." * Me: "Well, yes, but the reason it was broken was the file you sent me. I can't receive HTML files as attachments--" * Him: "All email is in HTML." * Me: "Ok, but the attachment you sent was supposed to be a picture file, like a JPG or TIF. You sent it as--" * Him: "But all email is HTML. That's how it goes through the Internet." * Me: "Ok, but the ATTACHMENT can't be an HTML file. I can't put an HTML file into the newspaper. I need you to make it a JPG or a TIF so that--" * Him: "Are you on a Mac?" * Me: "Yes." * Him: "That's the problem here. I'm on a PC." * Me: "But that doesn't matter. If you send me a JPG, I can still open it, but not if it's HTML--" * Him: "No, it's because you're on a Mac. This isn't going to work. I'll have to find a Mac computer and redo it." Sighhhhh. "I don't have time for this." * Me: "Look, just save the file as a JPG instead of as an HTML file and send it to me. I'll be able to--" * Him: "OH! I know. Maybe if I save it as a MAC JPG instead of a PC JPG it will work." * Me: "Um, if I'm not mistaken, there is no difference. TIFs are platform specific, but JPGs are universal. Just save it as a JPG and send--" * Him: "No, when I save it as a JPG, it asks me if I want to make it for a Mac or a PC." * Me: "Then you're still saving it as the wrong file type because it shouldn't be asking you that if you're saving it as a--" * Him: "Well, MINE ASKS ME. You said you're on a Mac, so you don't KNOW what MY COMPUTER asks ME." * Me: "I have a PC at home, and I save JPGs all the time. It shouldn't ask you if you want to format it for Mac, because there's no such thing. You must be trying to save it as a--" * Him: "No no no no no, I know what I'm talking about. I'll just resend it as a Mac formatted JPG and maybe that will work better. I'll send it right away." * Me: "Ok, Whatever you send me is exactly what I'll put in the paper. Thanks for your--" Click. He hung up on me. He sent the file again, and again, and again. I got three separate emails from him, in which he saved the ad still as an HTML file, a simple text document, and, last but not least, a Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet. I copied and pasted the contents of the attachment into the ad, and the guy ended up paying $300 for a 4"x5" square in our newspaper that looked like this: ?Í?Í?ÍÅ?^BÍ?ÍÇ?ÍÅ?^DÍ?Í?ÍÇ?^AÍ?ÇÈÉËÇÈ^DÍÈÍÈÍÅÈ^BËÈËÜÈ^AÍÈÑÍ^A?ÍÅ?^HÍ?Í ?Í?Í?ÍÇ?ÍÅ?Í?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÇ?ÍÇ?ÍÇ?ÍÅ?Í?ÍÅ?âÍ?éÍÇÈÍÑÈÍÈÍÈÍÈÖÍ?ÅÍÅ?Í?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?Í?Í Å?ÍÅ?Í?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?Íà?Íä?ÍÖ?Í?Í?Í?ÍÉ?ÍÅÍ?ÅÍ?Í?ÍÇ?ÍÅ?ÍÜ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÑ?ÍÅ?ÍÇ?Í?Í ?Í?Íá?ÍÉ?ÍÅ?Íá?Íå?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÉ?Í÷?ÍÅ?Íá?Íã?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?Íä?ÍÅ?Íá?^BÍ?ÍÇ?^DÍ?Í?ÍÑ? ÍÅ?ÍÉ?ÍÅ?ÍÇ?Íé?Í??´´,ÍÖ?ÍÉ?^BÍ?Íó?^DÍ?Í?ÍÇ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?^AÍ?âÍÅÈ^BÍÈÍÅÈ ÍÅÈÍÉÈÅË^B¨Ë¨Å˨ÅË^C¨Ë¨ËǨ^DÁÊÁÊÁÇÊÅÁ¨ÅËÈÅÍâ?^?^A~_^?^A^B~_~_^?^B^C~_ ~_É~_Å~_^T~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_Ç~_Å~_Ñ~_^A/~_Å/Ç~@^A+~[Åfi^AflVÅ~GÅ·~BÇ ~DÅÅÉ~IÇÂÜÊÁÅÊÅÁÊɨ^A˨Ö˨âË^AÈËàÈäÍ^B?Í?ÅÍ^C?Í?ÍÅ?^DÍ?Í?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?^BÍ?ÍÅ? ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÉ?^BÍ?ÍÑ?ÍÅ?^BÍ?ÍÇ?^DÍ?Í?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÇ?ÍÇ?^BÍ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?^GÍ?Í?Í?Í? áÍ?ÉÍ?ÅÍ?ÉÍ?ÅÍ?ÅÍ^B?Í?ÅÍ?áÍ?ÇÍ^EÈÍÈÍÈÍÖÈÍÅÈÜÍ^A?ÍÉ?ÍÑ?ÍÇ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?^AÍ?ÉÍÅ È^BËÈËÇÈ^BÍÈÍâÈËÑÈ^AÍÈÖ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÇ?^BÍ?ÍÅ?ÍÉ?^BÍ?ÍÅ?^BÍ?ÍÅ?^BÍ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ?ÍÅ? ^AÍ?ÇÍ?ÅÍ? Needless to say, he never advertised with us again. Lucky for me. ======= I received a phone call from a woman on the fifth floor saying the software I wrote for her was broken. (How does software break?) I knew I had never written software for her or anyone else on the fifth floor. But I went up to investigate. She was using Crosstalk (a modem communications package) and for some reason it wasn't dialing into a computer downtown. I checked the settings in the software; everything looked normal. Just for fun, I removed the cord from the modem and plugged it into a phone. No dial tone. The cord was disconnected from the wall. So I crawled under her desk and plugged it back in. I assumed the cleaning people knocked it loose. A few days later I got another call about "my" software being broken again. Once again, the phone cord was yanked out of the wall. I tucked the phone cord away so there was no way a vacuum cleaner could knock it loose. But this continued to happen. Then I noticed something. This woman would sit with her legs crossed, and one of her legs was kicking back and forth faster than a hummingbird's wings. I told her she was kicking the phone cord loose. I went back to my cubicle to get tie wraps and a shorter phone cord. No sooner had I collected these items than my boss' boss and his boss were standing there. Apparently this woman called and told them I had written Crosstalk, and it wasn't working, and I had blamed her for the problem. I tried in vain to explain to them that I had not written Crosstalk, that it was a commercial piece of software, etc. They didn't care. All they knew was I had better debug my Crosstalk program and make sure she didn't have any more problems. After I secured the phone cord, she didn't have any more problems. ======= * Customer: "Hello, is this tech support?" * Tech Support: "Yes, it is; what is the nature of the problem you're having?" * Customer: "I can't seem to power this thing up." * Tech Support: "If you are unable to boot your computer, sir, I suggest you contact the manufacturer. This is Internet technical support." * Customer: "Computer?" * Tech Support: "Yes, your computer." * Customer: "I don't have a computer." * Tech Support: "What is the item you are having difficulty with?" * Customer: "My new lawn mower." * Tech Support: (stifling a giggle) "Sir, you have reached Internet technical support. I suggest you double-check the number and try again." * Customer: "No, I'm sure I got it right. Are you going to send anybody out to fix this damn thing?" * Tech Support: "Sir, we do not support lawn mowers. Please check the number and try it again." * Customer: "What kind of *@#%! service is this? *&$#^ you! I wasn't born yesterday, you know!" (click) ======= * Customer: "I can't send mail to anybody outside my domain." * Tech Support: "What happens when you try to send mail outside of the domain?" * Customer: "It bounces back." * Tech Support: "Would you happen to know the error message?" * Customer: "Look lady, I'm a UNIX systems administrator, and the problem is on your end, not mine." * Tech Support: "Could you give me one of those addresses you can't send mail to?" * Customer: "Yeah, but I don't see how it'll help." I went into a shell and sent email to the customer, watching it as it passed through our servers and was accepted by the other domain. * Tech Support: "Well, I'm able to send to it just fine, and since I'm on the same server that you are, the problem obviously isn't on our end. What kind of account do you have with us, so I can get a little background?" * Customer: "I have a UNIX shell account. Look, lady, when am I going to get passed to a real technician?" * Tech Support: "Sir, the problem is that your sendmail.cf file is configured incorrectly. Unfortunately, since we don't support UNIX in this call center, you will have to fix it yourself." * Customer: "Myself? The problem is on your server, dammit!" * Tech Support: "Sorry sir, but sendmail.cf is the file you need to modify. We do not support UNIX; however we do offer consultancy contracts if you are not able to modify the file yourself." * Customer: "I have no *^%$*ing idea how to do it! Besides, it's on your server!" * Tech Support: "Sir, if you do not fully comprehend the situation you now find yourself in, I suggest you either pick up O'Reilly's book on configuring sendmail.cf or find another line of work." Click. Hysterical laughter. ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, sir, please set the modem speeds from your telephone numbers down to 2400." * Customer: "Why can't I leave them at 57,600?" * Tech Support: "Because, sir, you have a 2400 baud modem. 57,600 is not appropriate for your modem." * Customer: "Everything is too slow at 2400." * Tech Support: "Well, you can always upgrade your modem." * Customer: "How can I do that?" * Tech Support: "You can purchase a new modem at any local computer store. Most of them will even install it for you." * Customer: "I don't want to buy a new modem. Can't I make this modem go faster?" * Tech Support: "No sir, you have a 2400 baud modem. That is as fast as this modem will go." * Customer: "Ok, I set it to 2400." (tries to sign on and fails again) "See? That wasn't the problem!" * Tech Support: "Ok, let's go back in and make sure that your changes to the modem speeds were saved." * Customer: "Why can't I at least put it at 9600??" ======= * Customer: "I can't send email anymore." * Tech Support: "Ok, have you installed any new software recently?" * Customer: "No." The problem was that her DNS numbers had mysteriously disappeared. I helped her restore her settings. * Customer: "Thanks. I guess the DNS numbers got lost when we reinstalled Windows 95 last week." Oh well. It wasn't new software, was it? ======= * Customer: "Are you down?" * Tech Support: "No. What's the problem you're having?" * Customer: "Netscape won't pull up any pages. Everything else works though." * Tech Support: "Did you make any changes to the system before it stopped working?" * Customer: "Of course not!" (Skip twenty minutes of troubleshooting.) * Customer: "Could Windows 95 be causing this problem? * Tech Support: "What do you mean? * Customer: "Well, I upgraded to Windows 95 a few days ago...but I didn't like it. It wouldn't uninstall, so I just deleted files until Windows 3.1 came back." * Tech Support: (sigh) "Yes sir, that could very well be the source of the problem." ======= Here's something that occurred while I was reading your page: * Me: "Ok, press Ctrl, Alt and Del all together. Do you get a screen with lots of programs listed?" * Customer: "No, it just says 'Close Program'." * Me: "Yes, that's the name of that window, but are there several programs listed below that?" * Customer: "Oh. Yes." * Me: "Ok, do any of those programs have 'not responding' on them?" * Customer: "No." * Me: "You can't see 'not responding' anywhere?" * Customer: "No." * Me: "Ok, please read me what the first few entries are in that list." * Customer: "Ok. There's 'Microsoft Word [filename] not responding'." * Me: "So that has 'not responding' on it?" * Customer: "Yes. Oh, I thought you meant it would be its own entry." ======= At my company, we regularly tackle connectivity issues with clients. I recall one call from a client that ate up three hours of my day while I investigated why he couldn't get on the network with our Network Operations group, the Operations Manager, as well as the Production Control team. Keep in mind that per Standard Operating Procedure, I asked him the basic questions when he called to report the problem: "Have you changed any configurations on your end?" "Have there been any area-wide communication problems involving the phone company in your area?" etc. I spent the better part of a morning trying to diagnose the problem with the aforementioned teams, none of whom could find a problem on our side. After pulling my hair out for three hours, I called the client back and asked him if he was sure no configurations had been changed on his system. * Him: "No, no it's all the same equipment we had before." * Me: "Before? Before what?" * Him: "Before we got hit by lightning last night and had to have the hardware vendor replace all of our equipment. But I assure you, all of the gear is the same!" ======= Email from a customer with the shareware version of a software product: As I mentioned, we are able to transfer the files with no major problem, but there seems to be one problem that creeps up after we have transferred five files. After five files, we have to re-initialize the program to be able to transfer again. I want to register the software but need to know if this problem has been addressed in the registered version. If it has, I'll immediately send a payment out so we can get it. I emailed the user back and asked him if he had read the text of the error message given after the five files were transferred, which reads: "Maximum number of transfers exceeded for shareware version. Log out and log back in again for a new session. This software must be registered to allow for more transfers per session." ======= One user was very angry with me, because the documentation that I had written did not work for him at all. So I walked him through the document step by step. As I went along, I asked him what had happened on screen as he completed each step. When I got to step 5, I got total silence as a response. When I asked him again what happened when he did step 5, he said, "Oh, I didn't understand what that step was for, so I skipped it." ======= * Tech Support: "Now click on 'OK'." [sounds of furious clicking and typing] * Tech Support: "Hello?" * Customer: "Hold on a second." ======= My mom called one night because her ISP had a new phone number, and she wanted to know how to update her connection information. I led her step by step through the procedure, finishing with, "So next time you run the email client, it'll just dial the new number. But don't do that now because we'll get disconn--" ======= I got a phone call from a user who was complaining that her computer "doesn't beep anymore" when she received email. So I went up to see her. Before I go on, let me explain that all our PCs are encased in a large steel security cases, and this particular user's base unit was located some twelve feet from her monitor and keyboard. * Her: "When I get an email my computer used to beep at me. It doesn't now." I was immediately confused, because the computer didn't have a sound card or external speakers, so I assumed perhaps she was referring to the system speaker inside the PC...strange, but I couldn't think what else she meant. * Me: "Ok, I'll send you an email, and we'll test it." So I sat down at her seat and sent an email back to her. Sure enough, in the distance, through the PC case and the security case, I could just make out a beep. * Me: "There, it beeped see?" * Her: "No, it didnt." * Me: "It did, just then." * Her: "I didn't hear anything." * Me: "Ok look, I'll send another one, and you stand over by the CPU unit over there, and you'll hear the beep." I sent another email, and she stood near the CPU -- sure enough, it beeped, albeit very faintly. * Her: "I heard that, but that's not the beep I'm talking about. I'm talking about the beep from the screen." * Me: "What? You mean the monitor?" * Her: "Yeah, whenever I used to get an email, it beeped." * Me: "But the monitor hasn't got any speakers. It can't beep." * Her: "Well, it used to beep when I got an email, as clear as day." * Me: "It can't have -- it doesn't have a speaker of any kind. There's absolutely nothing in it which could produce a beep." * Her: "Well it used to. Maybe it's broken?" * Me: "It's never had a speaker in it. It didn't come with a built-in speaker." * Her: "It beeped at me, honestly." * Me: "Well if it did have a speaker, it'd need to be connected to your base unit over there in order to know when to beep when you got email." * Her: "Well I dont know what's wrong with it, but it used to beep." * Me: (sigh) "This monitor could not have ever beeped. It is impossible." * Her: "Well, it used to beep." ======= I once had to deal with a user who was upset because she could not edit her document. I asked her what application she was using, and she said WordPerfect for Windows. I asked her what the problem was, and she said she had loaded the document into the computer, was able to see and read the words but could not edit the text. I was puzzled until she told me she had scanned in the document; we do not have any OCR (optical character recognition) software, and she had inserted the bitmap image of what she had scanned in into the file. I tried to explain, but she didn't listen. I could only shake my head as she scanned it in again and kept on trying. ======= * Customer: "I started my account with you a month ago and this month I got a bill from both you and CompuServe." * Tech Support: "And...?" * Customer: "And I just found out that whenever I start Netscape or any other program, it signs me on to CompuServe instead of you guys." * Tech Support: "Did you read the section in the manual we sent about logging in?" * Customer: "I shouldn't have to read anything. It's your job to tell me of any possible problems I may have." ======= One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell's director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book." ======= I received a call from a customer who was having some permissions problems...grantpt wasn't working, so he couldn't get shells open, etc, etc. So, I started going through the permissions on his machine. A ls -ld / command showed 775. This was fine. A ls -ld /usr command showed 777. This was not. I told him this was probably not directly the problem, but that we should change it anyway...so I asked him to change it to 775. I even told him the command he could use: chmod 775 /usr. He said ok. Then I asked him to cd into /usr, do an ls -l there, and tell me what he saw. He said he was still waiting. I asked "For what? The cd? The ls?" His response, "The chmod." EEK! * Tech Support: "What EXACTLY did you type?" * Customer: "chmod -f -R 775 /u..." I didn't even let him finish before I told him to type control-C. I ended up suggesting he re-install from scratch, because he apparently didn't have very much user data, and what little he did have, he had backups that he could restore from if need be. The original problem, in fact, had been that he had done a chmod -f -R 777 /usr, which will completely hose any setuid permissions on any file in /usr. ======= Most people eventually figure out that you have to press return after your login ID and after your password or Windows will gripe at you and become generally unpleasant and sullen. Not one couple, who called all of nine times and still hasn't quite managed to get the hang of it. "Ok, tell me again; what do I do after I enter my password?" he keeps asking. ======= A customer called in and stated that his system locked up in a spreadsheet application. He then told me, "You techs don't care about our data that we work on. I knew that you would have me turn the computer off and reseat the video card, so in order to save my data, I reseated the video card with the system on." I finally convinced him that we needed to turn the computer off and then back on. Guess what? When we turned the computer back on, all we heard was a series of long and short beeps, which, by the way, weren't even correct beep codes. * Customer: "Memory? Is that the RAM stuff?" ======= * Customer: "...I just had 60 more of them RAMs installed..." ======= Circa 1997: * "My computer has 6 gigs of memory." ======= * Me: "How much RAM do you have?" * Friend: "Not that much; I own an old computer. I guess about 4 gigabytes." * Me: "Uhuh, and what kind of CPU?" * Friend: "32 megabytes." ======= I had called the electronics department of a chain department store to ask how much their RAM was. The clerk who answered the phone asked me, "Is that that CD-RAM stuff?" I decided it was better to drive over there and see for myself. ======= * Customer: "I just put on DOS/Windows 6.0, and my memory crashed the system." ======= * Tech Support: "How much RAM do you have in the computer?" * Customer: "32 megs." * Tech Support: "Are you using any RAM doubling software?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "So you have 16 megs of actual, physical RAM?" * Customer: "No. I have 8 megs. I installed [a RAM expanding product], and that gave me 16. I liked it so much I went out and got [another RAM expanding product]. So now I have 32." ======= * Customer: "How much will 16K of conventional memory cost?" ======= * Customer: "Do you know about this RAM stuff?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir, I can help you with RAM." * Customer: "Well, your program uses 12 grams of RAM, and this computer you gave me only has 10 grams of RAM, so you need to send me another 4 grams of RAM." At this point I was speechless. I wasn't sure which was worse, that this guy couldn't do basic math or that he had the term so twisted. However, our calls were recorded so I couldn't say what I really wanted to. * Tech Support: "Uh, sir, that computer has plenty of RAM to run the program." * Customer: "Just send me the grams of RAM I've asked for!" ======= * Customer: "Can you send me a disk to increase my RAM to the 64 meg maximum?" ======= A friend of mine was once heard to remark, "So, what exactly is this new-fangled memory thing anyway? Do I have to have a cdrom drive or simply a floppy to install it?" ======= I work for a good-sized company in UNIX systems support. Over the last month or so, we've been upgrading the memory in our older IBM workstations running AIX. This is a simple process: Shut down the system, pop the cover off, stick in four SIMMs, button it up, and flip the power back on. The whole thing usually takes less than ten minutes per machine. Many of our users seemed surprised that I had to open their CPU box to do the upgrade. More than one said something along the lines of, "Oh, you mean you have to turn the box off to do that?" or, my personal favorite, "You mean upgrading the memory is a hardware thing?" The scary part is that many of the users that were asking these questions are engineers. ======= A friend of mine bought a modem for her computer. She rang me because she was having an "Out of Memory" message trying to install the Internet software for it. It turned out she only had 8 megs of memory, and the package required 16. I offered to help her buy some more memory, open up the computer, and install it for her. * Her: "Oh, is that one of those things which you have to open up and fiddle around inside for? In my opinion you should just be able to buy a disk and run a program to install more memory." ======= * Customer: "Do you people sell them megas?" * Salesperson: "Uh, sure, how much do you need, sir?" * Customer: "100!" * Salesperson: "I can only give you 64." * Customer: "Well, can't you throw in 26 more?" ======= One time, a customer came to me and said, "The cashier said that you can tell if the memory is EDO or regular by smelling it." ======= Years ago, I once worked at a large sugar refinery on the east coast of the United States, operated by a company that is a household word. The refinery had a plant manager in his seventies. He had an enormous distrust of computers. "They make mistakes," you know. While I was there, we were engaged in updating and automating the factory floor. He only grudgingly accepted PLC's (Programmable Logic Controllers, an industrial hardened computer with no hard drive, programmed in a boolean language used for robotics and automation). PC's were still new, the early PLC's were programmed with a dumb terminal. When the OEM's developed PC software to program the PLC, one engineer sneaked in a then state-of-the-art 286 machine on a capital project. He told the plant manager it was the programming terminal for the new PLC controlled equipment he was installing. When the plant manager found out it was also a computer, he went ballistic and ordered it returned. The engineer, in a Dilbert-inspired reply, told the plant manager he couldn't return the computer because he had already used some of the memory. ======= An actual problem description submitted through our help desk system: "Computer was knocked over, physical memory dumped." ======= A woman brought her Macintosh LC520 into my shop to have more memory added. This was all fine, but she said she the computer kept running out of memory at startup. I found this to be rather interesting and decided to fire it up at the counter while she watched. After plugging in the computer to the wall and a keyboard and mouse I hit the power button. The computer sounded to life and the screen lit with the "Welcome to Macintosh" box on screen. This was immediately replaced by the Mac/OS picture and a status bar that was progressing as the extensions loaded. As the bar approached the end she said, "See the memory is all full." I looked at her rather confused and asked where she would have gotten that idea. Apparently one of the know-nothings at the local computer superstore had said that that was what the progress bar meant. Needless to say she was rather angry at them for the erroneous information. She ending up not buying the RAM but was thankful for our good service. ======= Our company had begun to demo its new product, a client-server office suite. It was pretty new to everyone, and there was a lot of groundwork to be done to ensure that the demos would go smoothly and the stories would be compelling. The marketing guys decided to host a three-way question and answer session between the pre-sales people, some of the key developers, and the senior marketing suits. About ten minutes into the session one of the pre-sales guys asked about per user memory consumption at the server end, stating that his tests showed a 32 meg per user minimum (back when 64 meg servers were considered big). Before anyone technical had a chance to answer, one of the senior marketing suits piped up and said, in a totally exasperated voice, "It's client-server! You don't need memory because it's in the network!" ======= A customer called in at MicroSystems Warehouse and said he needed to speak to a tech immediately. I asked him what the problem was and that I might be able to help. He said, "Are the SIMM slots located in the back of the computer?" I asked him if he needed help installing the chips. He said, "No. I installed them and the computer just isn't recognizing them." I said to him, "Where did you install the chips?" He said, "I removed my sound card and put them in there." ======= * Customer: "I need some 30 pin SIMM chips." * Salesman: "I'm sorry, we only have 72 pin SIMM chips." * Customer: "Can't you split them in two?" ======= I got a guy who was trying to remove a 4 meg SIMM from his LC III so he could install an 8 meg SIMM. He complained that he was having trouble with it -- it appeared to be soldered in. I asked him if he had released the SIMM from the clips; he said he had to rip one of them off. He said the ends could wiggle free, but the middle looked like it was soldered in. I tried to understand what the heck was going on in his Mac...the weirdness went on for at least five minutes. Finally, grasping for some semblance of reality, I asked how much memory his LC III had. Four megs. He looked at the directions again -- "Ohhhhh, you gotta take it out if you have more than four megs." He was removing the SIMM slot. He asked if he should solder it back down. ======= One friend called about what he called "random errors" that were happening on his computer. Over the course of several hours of troubleshooting, my father could not determine what the problem was. He had checked every part of the computer he possibly could and finally agreed that the errors were, in fact, random. After further investigation, he noticed that his friend had placed his large subwoofer, which has two large magnets in it, directly on top of his computer. Bits in his RAM were actually being flipped due to the magnetic field fluctuations from the subwoofer. ======= * Customer: "You people owe me a new computer." * Tech Support: "You're having trouble with your computer? What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "Well, I bought some memory from you people, and ever since I installed it into my computer, it's been doing nothing but making grinding noises, and nothing works anymore!" * Tech Support: "Grinding noises?? It shouldn't be doing that!" * Customer: "I know that! That's why you people owe me a new computer, and I'm going to charge you for lost downtime and my inconvenience." Grinding noises from SIMMs? This was a new one. * Tech Support: "Sir, did you install those chips yourself or did someone do it for you?" * Customer: "I'm not an idiot! I did it myself. I put them right in that slot in the front of the computer, smart aleck." ======= In school, I was one of four people allowed by our teacher to help other students fix problems with their computers. Sometimes other students would figure that they were perfectly capable of messing around with the systems. One of my favourite examples was this guy who fancied himself a hacker -- he believed he was doing something malicious to the computer when he would open up MS-DOS and make the computer run 'bad' and 'invalid' programs. Because of this habit of students messing around where they shouldn't, crashes were all too common. Once I saw a computer report an error and the message "dumping physical memory," meaning of course that Windows was saving the contents of the memory so that an administrator could figure the problem out later. I'd never encountered this error before, so I called one of the other guys over to ask him about it. His reaction was one of instant panic. * Him: "Oh my gosh! Plug it out!" * Me: "What?" He reached behind the machine and unplugged it. * Me: "What? What was it?" * Him: "It said, 'Dumping physical memory.'" * Me: "Yes...." * Him: "That means it was physically kicking the RAM chip and hard drive out of the computer!" I have no idea how he thought any error in any program could result in a computer disassembling itself. The worst part was, because the computer never finished doing the memory dump, the administrator never managed to figure out what caused the error. The computer never functioned properly from then on, and the school ended up having to buy a new PC. Several years ago I was at a computer show demoing software. The audience was composed of retired school teachers. I explained how to use the mouse to point to things on the screen. As I walked around the room making sure everyone was doing ok, I saw one woman holding her mouse to the Mac's monitor moving the mouse around on the screen. ======= One customer held the mouse in the air and pointed it at the screen like a TV remote, all the while clicking madly. ======= A user called in to say her mouse was only moving left and right and not up and down. This was a common fault with that particular model of mouse, so I brought a replacement over, swapped it out, and she tried it out. "Nope, same problem," she said, and showed me. For left and right movements, it worked fine, but when she moved the mouse up and down -- that is, physically off the desk and into the air -- it just didn't work at all. ======= I was teaching a user about Windows. * Me: "Move the cursor up to the menu line. . . . Move the cursor to the menu line. . . . Move the mouse up to move the cursor up to the menu line. . . ." Still, nothing was happening on the screen. Finally I looked over her right shoulder to see what she was doing. She had raised the mouse literally up -- about a foot off the desk. ======= My family gave my grandmother a laptop, and we were teaching her how to use it when she asked how to send an email to her sister in England. They had been sending postal mail to each other for decades, and she had heard that this "Er-Mail" thing was easier. I pointed to the Outlook Express icon, and told her to put the mouse there. She picked up the computer mouse and placed it on the screen. It was a long day. ======= While on a short training course there was a student in the class who was fairly bright, but something she did with her mouse would make you think otherwise. She called for my assistance because, quote, "The mouse pointer isn't going the right way." I noticed that she was holding her mouse at a 45 degree angle. Little wonder the pointer wasn't following her movements. I demonstrated to her how the mouse should be held. Five minutes later she had her mouse at 45 degrees again. ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, can you see the arrow in the middle of the screen?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Good! Now trying moving the mouse around. Do you see the arrow moving?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Not even a little?" * Customer: "No, not at all." I spent several minutes having the user follow the cable from the the mouse to the back of the PC. It was plugged in all the way. * Tech Support: "Ok, try moving it again. Up, down, left, right -- anything?" * Customer: "Nope, still nothing." * Tech Support: "Hmmm, maybe the table is too slippery -- why don't you try rolling the mouse on a book or a piece of paper?" * Customer: "Oh!! On the table!" ======= One lady, in an Excel class, was having a terrible time with the mouse until the instructor noticed that she was literally pointing with her finger and clicking the mouse. ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, to access the files on the disk click the mouse on the picture of the disk." * Customer: "Nothing happened. I told you, I've already tried this." * Tech Support: "Ok, do it again. Is the mouse moving?" * Customer: "Yep." * Tech Support: "On the screen?" * Customer: "Yep." * Tech Support: "Now click twice on the picture of the disk." The consultant hears two clicks. * Customer: "Nothing." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, double click once more for me." The consultant hears the two clicks again. * Tech Support: "Ma'am, are you hitting your screen with your mouse?" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button." * Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse." ======= And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained about how hard it was to hit the buttons. She was quite embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her. ======= * Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more." * Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?" * Customer: "Huh?" * Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?" * Customer: "It has an light on top." * Tech Support: "On top?" * Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top." * Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk." * Customer: "Oh! It works!" ======= While training over the phone I heard, "Oh, wait. Uh oh!!" I asked repeatedly, "What? What's happening?" expecting to hear smoke was pouring out of her computer. Finally she recovered enough to scream, "My keyboard's in the way! I can't move my mouse!" ======= I had a customer who phone in a panic because his mouse pointer wouldn't go any further across the screen. After the usual questions to see if the computer had frozen (it hadn't) the customer said, "No, it won't go any further because I've run out of desk space." The guy thought that position of the mouse on the desk was analogous to the position of the pointer on the screen. He had no idea you could pick the mouse up and move it without screwing things up. ======= Once, working with a UNIX X-Windows imaging system, a user requested aid because her mouse pointer was stuck on the right side of the screen. Over the phone, I told her to move the mouse to the left, and she should be fine. After a slight pause, she told me my suggestion had not worked. I walked over to have a look. When I arrived, I politely showed her that I meant she should slide the mouse over the mouse pad -- not lift it up and sit it down on the left side of the keyboard. ======= My boss had recently learned how to use spreadsheet software. He proudly called me into his office to show me a new trick he'd learned. At one point during his demonstration he was moving his mouse toward himself, and it reached the edge of his desk. I watched in amazement as he deftly rolled his mouse around the edge of the desk and underneath. I stifled my giggling and politely said, "You know, you don't need to do that with the mouse." Whereupon he took offense and said, "I know. I usually grab a book and put it next to the desk and roll the mouse onto it, but I just can't reach my books right now." I said, "Yeah, that's what I do," and excused myself before I broke a rib trying not to laugh. ======= * Help Desk: "How can I help you?" * Employee: "I need my left-handed mouse." * Help Desk: "I'm sorry, we don't have special mice for left or right hands." * Employee: "The mouse at the old building was left-handed, and I need one of those." After much discussion, a technician was sent out to the employee's cubicle. Upon his return.... * Help Desk: "Did you fix her issue?" * Technician: "Yeah." * Help Desk: "What was it?" * Technician: "I took out the mouseball, rotated it 180 degrees, and put it back in. It made her happy." ======= Twelve years ago, I was doing programming and PC repair for a company. The head of the main lab did not like PCs and thought computers were something evil. Anyhow, I came in one morning, and he started SCREAMING profanities about how *blank* *blank* computers never work, etc, etc. Once he FINALLY calmed down, I asked what the issue was. * Him: "The arrow on the screen won't move!" I went over to the PC and couldn't help myself. I started laughing, which just made him madder. On the desk was the mouse, unplugged, with the cord dangling off to one side. It turned out the mouse looked dirty, so he yanked on the cord until it wasn't "tied to the desk" and cleaned it. ======= I was working in the student labs at a school in Connecticut when a woman came up to the counter and told me that the Mac she was working on had crashed. * Me: "Does the mouse still move?" * Her: "Yes, it does." So she led me into the lab and up to the Mac she was working on. It was locked, and the cursor would not move. * Me: "I thought you said the mouse still moved." She grabbed the mouse on the desk, looked at me like I was a moron, and swung it all over the mouse pad. I told her that if she were ever working on a computer that locked up so badly the mouse couldn't physically be moved on the mouse pad, she should get up and run. ======= I remember when my Amiga arrived, way back in 1986. I had a class to go to, but my roommate was kind enough to set it all up for me. When I got back from class, he was having a great time playing with it. His only problem was using the mouse. Turns out he was holding it in his hand and rolling the ball with his fingers. I don't even remember how he was coping with the mouse buttons. ======= We taught first-years how to cope with using a computer. We had one chap who spent ages with the mouse upside down, using it as a trackball, before he came and asked us if there was a better way. ======= * Tech Support: "Please right click the 'My Connection' icon on your screen." * Customer: "Right click?" * Tech Support: "Yes, press the right button on your mouse." * Customer: "There is no right button on my mouse. But there is one over the one I'm usually clicking." * Tech Support: "Ehh...is your mouse positioned horizontally or vertically?" * Customer: "Horizontally." * Tech Support: "Turn your mouse 90 degrees to the right, and then click the right mouse button." * Customer: "Ohh...it's a lot easier to use it now! It moves better too. Is this the way I'm supposed to use the mouse?" * Tech Support: "Yes." * Customer: "I'm so stupid!" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, now right click." * Customer: "Which one's that?" * Tech Support: "On right side off mouse." * Customer: "I'm left handed." * Tech Support: "Ok, well, look at the mouse and click whichever button you normally don't click on." * Customer: "That's the left for me." * Tech Support: "Ok, click that." * Customer: "With which hand?" ======= * Me: "Right-click on 'My Computer' and choose 'Properties'." * Customer: "I don't see Properties." * Me: "What do you see?" * Customer: "I see hard disk drives, devices with removable storage--" * Me: "Ok, you left-clicked; you need to right-click on 'My Computer'." This went on for a few minutes; finally, she got frustrated and said: * Customer: "I AM USING MY RIGHT HAND!!!" Thank heaven for the mute button. ======= My sweet and beautiful but very blonde friend was threatening to throw her relatively new computer out. I asked her why and she said it was so slow it was driving her nuts. I then asked when she had last defragged it, and she had never heard of such a thing. I told her I would email detailed instructions for how to do this. A few days went by, and she called me early one morning to tell me she was following the instructions I had sent, but it wasn't working at all. I asked her if we could go over the process on the phone, and I would do exactly the same thing to my computer so we could be sure we were on the same page. She agreed. So I went through the instructions again, telling her to right-click here and left-click there, and what she was telling me was happening just didn't line up with what I was seeing on my own system. It didn't make sense to me, because we have identical systems. Finally she interrupted. * Her: "You know, I am very right-handed." * Me: "As I am, too." * Her: "And every time you tell me to switch hands, it is very hard for me." * Me: "I have never told you to switch hands." * Her: "Yes, you did. You told me to left-click and right-click, and when I reach over with my left hand, it is very difficult." ======= We had a member call up with the usual connection problems and the tech rep on the call was wondering why it was taking the member unusually long to do the simplest task such as selecting an item from the menubar. The member said that her cat had eaten her mouse ball and she had to move the cursor by putting her finger in the cavity where the mouse ball used to be and moving the rollers manually. ======= My mother wanted to look up something on the Internet. Having never touched a computer let alone the Internet, I showed her how to use the mouse and the significance of the hyperlink. She said, "I want to see what this page says," so I told her to put the mouse pointer over the icon and click the left mouse button. She successfully navigated the cursor to the icon, picked up the mouse to eye level, looked at the button she wanted to click, clicked it, and asked, "Did I do it right?" ======= A good friend of mine, who is a tech at a hospital, had an older nurse call him and demand another computer. When he asked her why she needed a new computer she told him that her present computer didn't like her! So he replaced the system with an identical system, and once it was all set up she started stroking the mouse. "What are you doing?" he asked. "It likes it when you stroke it," she replied. ======= I work as a student techie at a middle school for a sixth grade computer class. The teacher has this idiot aide. One day she came up to me and said: * Aide: "Um, his...clicker-thingy won't work." * Me: "Do you mean 'mouse'?" * Aide: "Um, whatever." ======= * Customer: "I turned my computer on, and now there's this white arrow on my screen." * Tech Support: "A white arrow?" * Customer: "Yes, it's a small white arrow with black borders." * Tech Support: "Oh, that's your mouse cursor. That's normal." * Customer: "Oh. What's it doing there?" * Tech Support: "Well, you use your mouse to move that around and click on things." * Customer: "Um.... What's my mouse?" * Tech Support: "Look to the right of the keyboard. There should be something like a little box with buttons on it and a wire going to the back of your computer." * Customer: "Ok, now what?" * Tech Support: "Move it around." * Customer: "The arrow moved!" ======= Some years ago, I was watching Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. During the scene where Scotty picks up the mouse and speaks into it. I laughed my lungs out. My father looked at me, slightly confused, and said, "What's so funny? Is it inoperative?" ======= While working telephone technical support at an ISP, I took a call from a woman who said her mouse was acting "strange." I had her do a few things and determined that her right and left mouse buttons appeared to be swapped. But when I had her check the settings, they were normal. Her husband, who had previously owned a computer store, checked it out and couldn't figure out what was wrong, either. So they brought it in for service. When I tried it out, everything worked fine, so I had her come in and demonstrate the problem. When I asked her to right-click, she left-clicked. When I asked her to left-click, she right-clicked. It took several more minutes to convince her to use her "other left." She protested that she had a college degree and knew left from right. ======= * Customer: "I can't do this button right." * Tech Support: "Come again?" * Customer: "I can't do this button on the screen. It says I have to click on this button, but I can't seem to figure it right." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, exactly how are you trying to click on the screen?" * Customer: "Well, I'm pressing the button on the screen with the mouse thing." * Tech Support: "Wait a second -- are you touching the screen?" * Customer: "Of course! I'm pressing the mouse thing on the button!" The client was physically touching the screen with the mouse. I had her put her poor mouse down onto its mouse pad and vainly tried to explain to her the relationship between mouse and cursor. She didn't get it. It was like a video game that was too hard for her. * Tech Support: "Move the cursor onto the button that says 'Next'." * Customer: "Ok...ok...come on, move over there...come on come on comeoncomeoncomeon...DAMMIT, I went past it! Ok, get back there, come on you stupid thing...come one...OK! OK, I GOT IT ON THERE! IT'S ON THE BUTTON!!!" * Tech Support: (face in hands) "Now press the button on the mouse. * Customer: "Nothing happens." * Tech Support: "Are you pressing the right button or the left button?" * Customer: "How am I supposed to know which one is the right one to press?" * Tech Support: "Not right as in 'correct;' right as in 'the opposite of left.'" * Customer: "Oh. Yes, I'm pressing the right one." * Tech Support: "You need to press the left one." * Customer: "But I'm left-handed, and I want to press the other one." ======= * Customer: "I need to know how much space is left on my disk drive." * Tech Support: "Just right click on your C: drive and choose 'Properties,' and it will show you how much space you have left." * Customer: "I can't do that!" * Tech Support: "Sure you can. All you have to do is right click--" * Customer: "You don't understand. I don't right click!" * Tech Support: "You mean you can't?" * Customer: "I refuse to right click!" * Tech Support: ? Every time this customer calls back, he repeats his stance that despite the fact that he has two mouse buttons, he does not right click. ======= One computer novice was an older gent who had me puzzled as to what he meant when I instructed him to "cLick," he said, "Ok, is that a One-Punch-Up, Double-Punch-Up, or an Off-Punch-Up?" ======= I had designed a program in VisualBasic which, at several points, comes up with a dialog box and requires the user to hit one of two buttons to make a selection (they look like the familiar "Ok" and "Cancel" buttons). A particularly bright Ph.D. beta tested the program for me. She came to my office and said that it didn't work. I followed her to the terminal, and she showed me how clicking the mouse buttons wasn't doing anything. She had misunderstood the words "click on the button which corresponds to your choice" and thought that the left mouse button corresponded to the left choice, and the right mouse button corresponded to the right choice. So the mouse cursor wasn't over my dialog buttons at all, and she was clicking madly somewhere else on the screen. ======= * Customer: "First I mouse over to 'search' then mouse down and type what I'm searching for, then mouse over to 'search' again." ======= * Tech Support: "Please right-click on the icon." * Customer: "But I'm left handed." ======= * Tech Support: "Use the right button to click on the shortcut--" * Customer: "I don't have a right button." * Tech Support: "You should have a right button." * Customer: "I'm sure. I have 'ctrl', 'alt', 'backspace'..." ======= One customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on it. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag in which the mouse was packaged. ======= * Customer: "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves an inch or so on the screen and stops." * Tech Support: "Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball." ======= I had a guy call up and say his mouse didn't work with AOL. Come to find out, he had installed his mouse inside his computer. I don't know how he did that or why he thought it was a good idea -- and I'm not so sure I want to. ======= An exasperated caller said she couldn't get her new computer to turn on. * Customer: "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." * Tech Support: "Foot pedal?" * Customer: "Yes, this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The foot pedal turned out to be the mouse. ======= Overheard in a computer shop: * Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." * Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." * Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" ======= One particular day like any other, an older woman purchased a Macintosh and dragged it home. A little while later we received an angry phone call from the woman. Apparently, she had set her whole system up without incident until she came across the mouse pad we included at no extra charge. "Which side," she demanded, "of the mouse pad faces upwards???" Despite the brightly colored red company logo emblazoned on one side of the pad, the woman scolded us for not including appropriate instructions. ======= After informing our users that we had new mouse pads available, one user came and collected one for herself and one for a co-worker. Twenty minutes later.... * Her: "There is something wrong with the mouse pads I picked up. Neither of us can get them working! They won't lie still. We need new ones!" * Me: "Uhm, have you tried flipping them over so the sticky side is down?" * Her: "Oh, okay, it works now." I thought mouse pads where a pretty straightforward and failsafe thing. Guess I was wrong. ======= A few years ago my cousin came home to find about six mouse pads lying around the house, one in the corner of each room. When he asked my aunt why, she told him she had gone down to the shops and seen them on sale, so she bought some. But she couldn't work out how the mice's feet stuck to them, because they didn't feel that sticky. ======= A quote from a trouble ticket in a company's desktop support queue: "End user called to request a longer ethernet cable for her mouse pad. The cable supplied is too short." ======= Most people figure out that a PC mouse has either two or three buttons on it, allowing one to left click or right click the mouse. This has escaped some individuals when the wheel button was invented. When I ask customers to left click the mouse, several have exclaimed to me, "I can't left click you stupid idiot! This mouse only has one round button in the middle!" ======= * Customer: "So then I front click on there...." ======= * Customer: "I forward clicked on this icon." ======= I was talking to an older guy who made a point of telling me he was computer illiterate. (Surprise!) I made sure that I was spoke very clearly and in great detail. We were attempting to check some information in Dial-Up Networking. * Tech Support: "Ok, please double click on 'My Computer' and when that window opens, you will see more icons. Let me know when you get there." * Customer: "Ok, I think I can do that." I hear clicking noises for at least thirty seconds. * Tech Support: "Are you in 'My Computer' yet?" * Customer: "Almost." * Tech Support: "What--" * Customer: "Ok, I've got it. I'm in that 'My Computer' thing. I was just having problems clicking it twice. This isn't as easy as I thought." * Tech Support: "All right, now please look at the icons listed and tell me if you see one that says 'Dial-Up Networking'." * Customer: "Oh yes, I see it." * Tech Support: "I want you to do the same thing. Double click on the icon that says 'Dial-Up Networking'. Then let me know when you have that screen open, ok?" * Customer: "Ok." Once again there is a far more clicking than is necessary. * Customer: "All right, I've got this open but I hope I don't have to do that clicking again." * Tech Support: "Well, I'm sorry but a lot of work that's done on the computer involves clicking on things. You will get better with practice." * Customer: "Hmph." * Tech Support: "Now. You will see one icon that says 'Make New Connection' and another that has [our ISP's name]. Do you see that?" * Customer: "Yes, I see it." * Tech Support: "Please RIGHT mouse click ONCE...only ONCE...you right mouse click once on [ISP's name], and you will get a drop down menu. From this menu you will LEFT mouse click ONCE on the selection that says 'Properties'. It will be the last one on the list." * Customer: "Oh, I can't do that." * Tech Support: "What can't you do?" * Customer: "I can't right mouse click on anything because my mouse doesn't have a right button." This stopped me dead. What kind of mouse could this guy have? It couldn't have been a Mac mouse, because there would be no way it would have worked with a PC. * Tech Support: "Everyone has at least two buttons on the mouse. Some have three, but you should have at least two. Look at your mouse and tell me how many buttons there are." * Customer: "It has two buttons, but they are both left buttons." * Tech Support: "Umm...well they can't both be left buttons. One of them must be a left button, and one must be a right button." * Customer: "Nope. I'm telling you, this mouse has two left buttons." * Tech Support: "Ok. Just click on the right left mouse button." ======= I was teaching a user how to run a procedure and noticed that she had trouble double-clicking. I showed her how to go into the Control Panel and slow down the double-click speed. She seemed happy with the new setup. The following Monday morning, my phone rang: * Her: "I can't run any programs." * Me: "What do you mean, you can't run any programs? What happens when you try?" * Her: "Well, I double-click, and nothing happens." * Me: "Did you change your mouse settings?" * Her: "I was working this weekend, and I decided that my mouse needed to be tightened up, so I went into the Control Panel like you showed me and changed the speed." * Me: "What did you change it to?" * Her: "As fast as it would go." She'd set the double-click speed so fast that she couldn't physically double-click anything, including the Control Panel icon to undo her change, and she didn't know to highlight the icon and hit 'enter'. I still don't know what it means to "tighten up" a mouse. ======= I work for high speed internet tech support, and this is just one of many conversation that make me shake my head in wonder. * Tech Support: "Ok, I need you to double-click on Internet Explorer." * Customer: "Ok, I did it." * Tech Support: "What do you see?" * Customer: "It says, 'Open Home Page.'" * Tech Support: "Did you double-click?" * Customer: "Yeah, I clicked the right button and then the left." ======= One day I told my father that I had bought a new mouse. My grandmother was a little bit shocked. "Why did you buy a mouse? They stink!" ======= I worked as a computer teacher's assistant at college level school (in my city). It was a beginners' course, so I expected many of the students to know nothing or very little. The biggest misunderstanding was how the mouse functioned. * Student: "Can you please help me?" * Me: "Sure, what seems to be the problem?" * Student: "I can't seem to make the menu to work." * Me: "Use your mouse to activate the menu." * Student: "What's a mouse?" * Me: "Remember this thing?" (I pointed toward it.) * Student: "I don't want to touch it." * Me: "Why not?" * Student: "You said it's a mouse." In a different class, I started one of the sessions by saying, "Today I'm going to help you learn how to use the mouse." Many of the women jumped up from their seats and looked nervous. ======= The DOS version of our product requires the installation of a DOS-based mouse driver. Our technical support department received a call from someone at Walt Disney World who said they didn't have a DOS-based mouse driver. We had her install a DOS-based mouse driver and started her on the successful road to installation. Yes, now we can truthfully say we helped Disney with their "mouse problem." ======= My grandmother is a war-bride in her mid-80s. She immigrated to Canada from a small town in northern England directly after World War II. She hasn't been back to the small town where she grew up in almost 30 years. Recently, I discovered a web site maintained by that small town that featured a virtual photo tour of the town. I figured that she would love a virtual visit to her childhood home and would be interested in seeing how the town has changed over the years. So I sat her down in front of the computer one day. I don't think she had ever sat in front of a computer in her entire life. So, I did all of the pointing and clicking while she sat in front of the monitor and watched the images of her childhood home. Every few seconds, she would swat her hand around in front of her face. I figured there might be an insect buzzing around the room and didn't say anything. But she kept doing it, and I never saw any insect. Finally, I asked what she was doing. "There's a fly or something in here!" she said. "It keeps flying around in front of me and landing on the screen! It's very distracting! Don't you see it?" "I don't see any fly in here," I said. It took me another few minutes of her frantic hand swats to realize she was responding to the mouse pointer darting about the screen. It looked, to her, like some kind of insect flying around in front of her face. I tried to explain to her what it was, but she didn't seem to understand. Even after the explanation, she swatted a few more times before the virtual tour ended. * Customer: "I have a 386 Pentium." ======= * Customer: "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it." ======= * Friend: "What have you got in there?" * Me: "A Pentium III 800." * Friend: "What, is that like five mice?" ======= * Tech Support: "What type of systems do you have?" * Customer: "I have four. A Pentium 200, a Pentium 66, a Pentium 33, and a laptop." * Tech Support: "I don't think Intel ever made a Pentium 33." * Customer: "It's a 486 Pentium." * Tech Support: "Um, did you mean to say 486SX or 486DX?" * Customer: "It's a 486DX Pentium." ======= * Tech Support: "How fast is your modem?" * Customer: "I don't know, it's got a Pentium chip in it." ======= * Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?" * Customer: "Pentium." ======= While working in a small computer store one day I had a customer walk quickly into the store and right up to the counter. * Customer: "I want to buy a mainframe." * Me: (playing along with the "joke") "I think I have a couple of them out back." * Customer: "Good. I need a mainframe because I want to learn how to program in COBOL. I'd prefer a Pentium mainframe, if you have one of those." ======= * Customer: "Does my PC support a Pentilum 3?" ======= When working at a computer chain store, I had to keep a straight face while this guy kept calling the (new at the time) Pentium processors "Pentootium" processors. ======= * Customer: "I want a Penitum processor, because those Pentiums are just no good." ======= * Customer: "The computer i have now is a Pentium Hewlitt-Packard Bell." * Tech Support: "Are you sure it's not just a Hewlitt-Packard or maybe a Packard Bell?" * Customer: "Aren't they the same thing?" * Tech Support: "No, they are different." * Customer: "Oh, then maybe its a Pentium Bell." * Tech Support: "Ok." * Customer: "It has a Pentium III 166 in it." ======= * Customer: "I don't want one of those systems based on the cellulite processor." ======= My friend and I were comparing computers. * My Friend: "What kind of processor do you have?" * Me: "A [name of processor]." * My Friend: "Oh, me too." * Another Guy: "Hey, I have a word processor!" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, when the machine reboots, hit the 'del' key a few times. You should see a blue screen." * Customer: "Ok, it tells me that I am in the Cosmos setup." ======= * Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem." ======= * Customer: "I have a teer to teer network." ======= * Customer: "I'm in 386 enchanted mode." ======= A user called and demanded that his Windows 3.11 environment be changed from "386 Enhanced" to "Pentium Enhanced" since he felt he was "not getting the full potential" of his Pentium. ======= * Customer: "It's a problem with Tcipx/ipspx." ======= * Customer: "What is this PUNKZIP thing?" ======= * Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion." ======= * Customer: "My computer just violated me!" ======= Often when I get people to try pinging a web site to determine connectivity, they read the "Ping Statistics" at the end of the results as "Ping Statics." Once, a woman read it to me as "Ping satisfaction." ======= * My Mom: "Oh, [name]'s computer crashed." * My Dad: "Really?" * My Mom: "Yep, she lost all of her files and everything." * My Dad: "What, did it fall off a table or something?" ======= Received by email: Dear Creater of this good game, I like your game and I wish I could play it more but I can't. I could play it just fine the very first times I tried. But now I cant cause I put in a name and password it loads like for 5 minutes then a BRRIINNNK noise pops my speakers and a word thing popped up and said something wierd like Operation Collapsed or something like that. Please write me back!!! ======= A quote from a badly written piece of software: "You can click the OK plate if you wish to continue, but you can click the CANCEL plate if you wish to cancel." ======= I work in the tech support department of an ISP. You wouldn't believe the number of people who pronounce "Eudora" as "Endora." ======= * Tech Support: "What version of Eudora are you using?" * Customer: "Navigator 3.0." ======= * Customer: "Have you ever heard about 'Mozarella Firefox'?" ======= * Tech Support: "Now, go back to your desktop." * Customer: "I don't have a desktop. I have a laptop." ======= * Customer: "So do I go to Word or Excel to start XP?" ======= * Customer: "I have an original Adidas PC." ======= Overheard at the office: * "Someone has a hexadecimal exitor?" ======= * Tech Support: "What type of computer do you own?" * Customer: "I don't know. I just bought it." ======= * Tech Support: "What kind of Mac do you have?" * Customer: "It's the kind that sits on my desk...not one of the newer ones." ======= * Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?" * Customer: "Oh, it's a 486." * Tech Support: "No, that's the kind of computer you have. Ok, how much memory do you have?" * Customer: "It's supposed to have one gigabyte." [Note: This anecdote took place back when the average amount of RAM a computer would have was on the order of 4 megs.] ======= A friend of mine was talking to me recently about what kind of new computer he could get when he started college, what specs he would want, if I would help put it together, etc. * My Friend: "Will a 1.5 gigahertz hard drive be enough?" * Me: "You mean CPU?" * My Friend: "Sure. My dad's computer has a 1.7 gigahertz hard drive." * Me: "Huh?" * My Friend: "Yeah, it's pretty old." ======= Overheard at a bus stop: "That kid is so freakin' retahded. I had to explain what a CPU was. It's a computah. You know, C-P-U...Com-Pu-Tah." ======= I work for a big box electronics retailer. I knew I was going to have a hard time with some customers when one of them asked, "How many BTUs are in that computer?" Somehow I doubted he was actually looking for an accurate measure of the machine's heat output. ======= * Customer: "It says I have 2 zillion bytes available, and I need 8 zillion." ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, in the lower left-hand corner of File Manager, what does it have for 'Free'?" * Customer: "10,578 kegabytes." ======= * Customer: "Please put 60 nanoseconds of RAM in this computer." ======= * Friend: "Hey! This one has 300 MHz of RAM!!" ======= I was talking with my dad about some problems he was having with sending email attachments. In the course of the conversation, he said, "I have a 50 millibyte file, but it will only accept up to 25 millibytes." I didn't know they made file compression that powerful. ======= On the first computer we ever had, I was playing a text adventure and idly fiddling with the button on the floppy drive while I mulled things over. My mother saw this as dangerous and told me, "Don't go putting things in the computer hole." ======= We live in Wisconsin, abbreviated WI. I was helping my Mom buy a Wi-Fi router when she asked, "Is it called the same thing in Illinois?" ======= * Customer: "I would like Adobe." ======= * Customer: "I'm about to get on a plane. Is it ok for Office to go through the X-ray machine?" ======= I spotted a garage sale with some computer equipment on a table, so I went over to investigate. There was an old dot matrix printer, an amber screen monitor, and what appeared to be an IBM XT. The lady who was running the garage sale noticed me looking at her equipment and came over. * Her: "Hey, are you interested in buying that? It's a full computer, still works. It's got a color modem and everything." ======= I'm new to computers, and a little while back I was talking to someone who claimed to be a PC tech. Having recently found out what a processor actually was, I asked her what its number meant. She said, "That's your memory," and began an explanation of RAM. Thinking she misunderstood the question, I clarified with, "When someone says 'Pentium 266,' what does '266' mean?" She replied happily, "Oh, you mean your operating system!" I laughed, because I thought she had to be messing with a newbie's mind, and said, "No, not Linux or Windows or anything like that. I just want to know what that one number means." She looked very hurt and confused and walked away insisting that it was the OS. ======= I was just talking to a user who had been having problems with her machine -- it was losing its settings every time she turned it on. * Her: "I asked my boyfriend about it. He knows about computers, and he said it sounds like it might need a new sea monster battery." It took me a while to figure out what she meant. ======= While in art school, where we mostly worked with Amigas and Macs, a Spanish exchange student asked me if I ever worked with MS-2. I thought he meant OS/2 but he didn't know what that was. It took me some time to figure out that he meant MS-DOS. "Dos" in Spanish means "two." ======= Here's a response that one of my colleagues sent to resolve an issue: Thank you for contacting Technical Support, Regarding your login issue is now resolved and you will be able to access the course in which you are enrolled. Sorry for this incontinence it has caused and thank you for your patience. - Technical Support When we saw this, we laughed so hard that we nearly peed our pants. ======= * My Brother: "Before you start writing in Word, you have to set the margaritas." ======= * Me: "Do you know any programming languages?" * My Friend: "Sure. I know .com, .net, and .org." ======= In 1986, a reporter from the local newspaper was interviewing me for a story on my company, which does software development. His first question was: "What language do you program in? MS-DOS or ASCII?" ======= This took place on the first day of a college Computer Science class called Algorithm Design I. * Teacher: "Ok class, we will be programming this semester in C. Does anyone here already know any programming languages?" * Me: "I know Python and Ruby." * Teacher: "Ok, anyone else?" The teacher called on another student, who was waving his hand around like a madman. * Other Student: "I know Windows XP." ======= * Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?" * Customer: "Word 6.0." ======= * Tech Support: "Go to File and select Exit Windows. Click on 'OK'. What do you have on your screen now?" * Customer: "Windows. I clicked on 'Cancel' because it said it would injure my Windows session." ======= * Customer: "Eudora keeps giving me the error 'connection confused'." ======= * Customer: "My DOS system got corroded." ======= * Student: "Hey, how do I lodge in to Hotmail?" * Me: "You've got to type in your username and password in those fields that say 'username' and 'password'." * Student: "I don't have one of those." * Me: "You need one to log in to Hotmail." * Student: "It's 'LODGE' in." * Me: "The term is 'log in,' and you can't log in without a username and password. I can help you create one if you'd like." * Student: "Um, excuse me, but I THINK I know what I'm talking about. It's LODGE in, and I don't want a username and password, I just want to get some email!" I just went back to working after that, and he left complaining about how "crappy" the computers in the lab were, after trying to "lodge in" for ten more minutes. ======= One of my classmates once overheard me and another kid talking about HTML, and said, "Why are you calling hotmail HTML?" Now I'm wondering what he thought about all those URLs that end in HTML. ======= The following thread occurred on a message board on a web site: * First Poster: "Any Hotmail experts willing to make a Harry Potter layout for my site?" * Second Poster: "Hotmail experts!? Don't you mean HTML?" * First Poster: "Same thing isn't it?" ======= I called Gateway to investigate buying a computer and got a guy that kept calling USB ports USB drives, and furthermore he insisted that everyone at Gateway called them that. ======= My mother owns a child care center which is situated in our very own home. One of the mothers of the children she cares for wanted to ask me a computer related question. She started telling me about how she was installing childrens' software for her kids and how one program required another program to be installed. She said the program was called "640 times 480 times 256." She went on to tell me that she looked for the program, eventually found it (I have no idea where she might have thought she found it), but couldn't install it. ======= My grandfather has recently started a course called "Computers for the Terrified." He's nearly eighty and, although used to be an engineer within the British Royal Airforce, is completely stuck when it comes to computers. He came back from his first evening at this course. When asked how it had gone, he replied, "Yes, it was really good. I really enjoyed it, but I really couldn't get to grips with my mole." I stopped for a second, completely puzzled, until I realised he was talking about the mouse. ======= One day I asked if my Mom could shut down my computer. I told her to press "the big gray switch on the computer." After some time, I phoned her and asked if she shut the machine down, but she replied, saying there wasn't any big gray switch on the keyboard. * Me: "No, Mom, not on the keyboard; it's on the computer." * My Mother: "Computer?" * Me: "Yes, that gray box on the floor." * My Mother: "Ah, the engine!" * Me: "Engine?" * My Mother: "Yes, it's making lots of noise." ======= Once I went on site to set up a computer for a school. I spend several hours setting up the equipment and configuring all the software and checking the Internet connection. When I left, everything was working perfectly. The next morning, I got a call from the teacher, saying that the computer wouldn't turn on. Perplexed, I paid another visit. I sat down at the desk and looked at each component: the scanner was on, the monitor was on, the speakers were powered up, but the screen was blank. I looked under the desk, and, sure enough, none of the lights on the face of the computer were lit. I reached down, pushed the main power button, and the computer immediately came to life and booted up normally. * Me: "Why didn't you try that?" * Customer: "The light on the brain was on...." She was pointing to the speakers. ======= * Customer: "I need help with the Truman program?" * Tech Support: "Pardon, sir?" * Customer: "Truman, it came with your scanner." * Tech Support: "Um, no, sir, there is no 'Truman' program with the scanner." * Customer: "Yes there is. I got it right here." * Tech Support: "What kind of program is it? Is it a game or a reference program of some kind?" * Customer: "No, it came with the scanner." * Tech Support: "But, sir, we don't have a program called 'Truman' with the scanner. Maybe this came with something else, like your printer." * Customer: "No, it came with the scanner." * Tech Support: "Well, what's the problem you are having with it?" * Customer: "It won't read my text." * Tech Support: "Is this an OCR program?" * Customer: "Yeah, it came with your scanner. Truman OCR." * Tech Support: "You mean TextBridge OCR?" * Customer: "Yep, that's right, Truman." I helped him with his problem, but I never figured out where he got "Truman" from. ======= As the local computer enthusiast, I sometimes get called on to troubleshoot computer problems. A while back, my boss asked me to help her figure out what was going on with her computer, complaining that her "rat" (mouse) was not responding. She surmised that it was a problem with the "ropes" (cables) behind the computer. ======= I had a friend who was ready for a memory upgrade on his Mac notebook, and he wanted to know how much "megaram" he needed. ======= My father, a retired dentist, spends a lot of time with his Macintosh. He's really pleased with it now: he recently got an upgrade and added "64 milligrams" of memory. ======= * Customer: "How do I use my High Megabit memory?" ======= * Customer: "This DOS program says I have insignificant memory." ======= * Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?" * Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'." * Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'." * Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key." * Customer: "Oh." ======= * Customer: "I have 384,000 free contentious memory." ======= * Customer: "I have a terminant swap file." ======= * Customer: "I have a terminal swap file." ======= * Customer: "I have a scummy card in my system." ======= * Customer: "I lost my blue cyanide color." ======= * Customer: "I have a cursing flasher." ======= * Customer: "It says one copy filed." ======= * Customer: "I'm in the CONSYS.FIG file." ======= * Customer: "I have SETUP.EXERSIZE on my B floppy." ======= * My Grandmother: "I can't find the sloppy disk!" ======= * My Teacher: "Do you have a booty disk on hand?" * Me: (almost losing it) "Don't you mean a boot disk?" * My Teacher: "Oh no. I need a booty disk to make the system booty up." I could contain my laughter no more. I got in trouble for that one. ======= * Customer: "I am getting an error on my computer" * Tech Support: "What kind of error?" * Customer: "It says I have a corrupted file on my hard drive, and I should run 'Check Disk'." * Tech Support: "Ok, we need to call in a ticket, and someone will be down shortly." * Customer: "Can you make sure you bring some extra Check Disks, because mine does not work." * Tech Support: "Uh. We're out of stock right now, but I'll order some." ======= When I was setting up a local network (simple thin ethernet) with my neighbors, one of them asked, referring to terminators: "Do we have to have any of those predators at the ends?" Maybe he just watched too many Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. ======= One day I was shopping for RAM with a friend of mine. We checked out a few places. During the trip, my friend blurted out: * "That was some cool RAM in there. Pentium makes the best RAM, not like that cheap RAM other places got!" ======= The place where a friend of mine works was going through the process of upgrading all of their computers. On one computer in particular, they had determined they needed more memory. One of the senior partners got it into her head that they needed more "Meg." My friend tried to tell her that what they needed was RAM, but she insisted that the machine had plenty of RAM and that they needed more Meg -- specifically, about 16 megabytes of Meg. He got tired of arguing with her and said to go down to the computer store and buy some Meg. She came back with an envelope with RAM in it -- on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg." "The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg." ======= * Customer: "Well...we have the CD, but we can't find the ROM!" After some inquiry, I finally understood what she perceived the "ROM" part of "CD-ROM" to be: the picture. She said a specific multimedia CD was not displaying the ROM. I corrected her mistaken impression, to which she said, quote, "Huh." I walked her through the problem, and when it was fixed, she exclaimed loudly, "We found the ROM! WE FOUND THE ROM!!!!" ======= I was supporting a group of very illiterate computer users on one specific application they needed to run in batch mode daily. One day one of the ladies couldn't find the icon on the Windows 3.1 Program Manager screen to launch the process. I asked her to read to me what was in each of the the title bars in the sub-windows. At one point she blurted out 'Microscopic Applications' instead of 'Microsoft Applications.' It took all the restraint I had to not reply, "Well, there's your problem. Your applications are too small." ======= I'm a contractor at a National Guard base, and I had been sent to pick up two NT workstations. After picking up the boxes I drove back to where I worked and had to go through a check point. The guard checked my ID then asked me what I had in the passenger seat. I told him I had two computers for our job site. He replied, "Oh I don't know anything about that -- I'm computer illegitimate." ======= I needed to wipe someone's hard drive and re-install Windows, so I asked her what she had on her system that wasn't backed up. * Customer: "I have some data files for Mississippi Works saved." ======= * Customer: "I have Microword Soft." ======= * Customer: "Microwave Windows?" (Perhaps this is not a verbal slip after all; apparently there was once an OEM-branded version of Windows 3.11 called Microwave Windows.) ======= * Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?" ======= * Customer: "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help." (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) ======= Seen on a web page: * "This site best viewed in Netscape Explorer." ======= * Customer: "I'm having trouble with Internet Exposer." ======= * Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." ======= * Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter." ======= * Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator." ======= * Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator." ======= * Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure." ======= * Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer." ======= * Customer: "I use Landscape Navigator." ======= * Friend: "I was using AOL, but now my ISP is Netscape." This was back before Netscape actually became an ISP. ======= Overheard at a library: * "Yeah, surfing the Internet is really cool. You do it with this thing called Netscape -- what's the technical term for that, a program? Oh, no, an icon, that's right. Netscape's an icon!" ======= * Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?" * Customer: "Netscape." * Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?" * Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'." ======= Here's a silly one. My high school computing teacher routinely called Word for Windows "Windows for Word" through the whole time I went there. ======= * Tech Support: "What operating system are you running sir?" * Customer: "Word." * Tech Support: "I think you mean windows, sir." * Customer: "Oh yeah, WordWindows. It's very popular." ======= An excerpt from an article from my high school, circa 1999: Each operates with Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Office, and T4.0 Workstation. I have to imagine the author heard something like "Microsoft Windows NT 4.0 with Microsoft Office" and switched around the order of what he thought he heard. ======= * Tech Support: "What program did you use to make this document?" * Customer: "Microsoft." ======= This happened when I was working for Kinko's: * Customer: "I need to print out my letter here." * Me: "Ok, what program did you use to create it?" * Customer: "Macintosh!" * Me: "No, what actual program did you use. Was it MacWrite? Claris?" * Customer: "Microsoft." * Me: "OK, you used Microsoft Word. We have that here, so go ahead and sit down at one of these Macs." * Customer: "It wasn't Microsoft Word. It was Windows!" * Me: "I need to know what kind of computer you used. Was it a Macintosh or an IBM?" * Customer: "I don't think it was an IBM." * Me: "It could be an IBM compatible. Do you remember anything about what kind of computer it was?" * Customer: "Microsoft!" * Me: "Did the computer have a little apple on the front of it?" * Customer: "I think so." * Me: (What I should have done five minutes ago...) "Give me the disk, and I'll put it in my computer and check it out." ======= * Customer: "Does this come with Microsoft?" * Tech Support: "Um, well, we install Microsoft Windows on all our systems, unless you say otherwise." * Customer: "Oh, no, no, I need Microsoft to do my letters and stuff." * Tech Support: "Well what do you use to write your letters?" * Customer: "Microsoft!" * Tech Support: "Ok, but do you use Word?" * Customer: "Yes, I use Word at work." * Tech Support: "Ok, so you'll need the Office Suite then, too." * Customer: "But doesn't this computer come with Microsoft?" * Tech Support: "Well, yes, it comes with Windows 95 installed." * Customer: "Oh. Can I type my letters with that?" * Tech Support: "Yesss...but you need a word processor installed, like Word or WordPerfect. Our systems come with the Corel suite, but we can use Microsoft Office instead if you like. It just costs more." * Customer: (thoughtfully) "WordPerfect sounds familiar." ======= * Customer: "Is Corel WordPerfect IBM?" ======= From a questionnaire: * Question: "Mac address?" * Answer: "It's not a Mac; it's an HP." ======= I work at the technology help desk at my university. One cold, Sunday evening during our calm season, we got a visitor to our walk-in office. He said he was trying to install Windows 98 when he realized he had left his CD key back home. I nodded and expected him to ask if he could get a replacement CD key. But he didn't. * Him: "Is there a way to bypass this?" * Me: "Well, you need a CD key in order to install and setup Windows on your machine, but--" * Him: "No no, I want to bypass Setup. I should be able to skip installation because my computer is really quick and powerful." He went on to say that maybe something in the BIOS could help him bypass Windows Setup. * Him: "I should be able to use BIOS, because the BIOS aren't binarily interlaced with the Windows EXE!" I bit down on my lip before stammering, "Yeah, you might be right there." ======= I was having a conversation with a friend in the computer cluster. A girl overheard us and piped up. * Me: "So, what's your ICQ number?" * Girl: (staring) "Why do you need an icy cucumber?" ======= A lot of people seem to think that all computers are made by Microsoft, and that all software is called Windows. This story comes from our school's computer cluster. * Student: "I typed this document I wrote at home, but it won't load in here." * Tech Support: "Ok, what word processing software did you use at home?" * Student: "I have Windows, version 6." * Tech Support: "Um, no, I mean, what is the name of the actual program you go into to write documents?" * Student: "Windows." * Tech Support: "Well, not quite, that's the operating system. Maybe it's WordPerfect, or it could be Microsoft Word, does that sound familiar?" * Student: "Ah yeah! That's it! It's Microsoft Windows." I turn the monitor towards him and fire up WordPerfect. * Tech Support: "When you start it, do you see a picture like this, of a fountain pen?" * Student: "That's the one. Except you have Windows version 7 there, eh? I only have Windows version 6." ======= A client just called in reference to our most recent survey, which asks if they have Microsoft Access. The client said, "Of course we have access to Microsoft -- how else do you think we run our programs!?" ======= * My Dad: "Ok, so I go into the Microsoft..." It usually takes two or three guesses to determine which Microsoft application he's in. ======= A few years ago I saw an advertisement that said: "Required: Office Assistant: Must be familiar with Lotus One, Two, and Three." ======= * Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?" * Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk." ======= Overheard in a computer games store: * Customer: "Will this run on a Dell?" * Salesperson: "Um, I'm not sure, sir. What kind of processor does it have?" * Customer: "Um...uh.... It's a Dell." ======= * Co-Worker: "I just bought a new computer." * Me: "Oh? How fast is it?" * Co-Worker: "It's a 56K." * Me: "No, no, the processor speed." * Co-Worker: "Ohh!! DVD." * Me: "..." ======= * Tech Support: "What kind of hard disk do you have?" * Customer: "Well...it's black with a little red light...." ======= * Customer: "Hi, I need to buy a box of hard disks." ======= * A Friend: "Wow! That disk is pretty defragged." ======= Actually happened here in the Kansas City area a few years ago. My wife and I almost fell off the couch laughing about it. During a public television auction fundraiser here in Kansas City, they had the hostess of a local morning program reading off the product descriptions. One was for a software package. To make sure potential bidders could use it, she read off the system requirements and told us that the software came on five "dash-one-slash" four-inch diskettes. ======= I asked this guy to read whatever was on the screen, and he kept calling the asterisk an "Afterfisk." ======= When asking questions about setting up a new account online, the caller asked me if she had to put an 'astronaut' (asterisk) in front of the customer name. ======= * Tech Support: "Is there an asterisk to the left of the discount field?" * Customer: "Nope, just a 'squishy bug'." (her name for an asterisk) ======= The IT manager in my company, after a new software piece was ready for implementation, said, "But we are now able to manage the company on a virtually on-line real time way!" ======= A friend of mine has a daughter who had started attending a university and had decided to buy a computer on which to complete assignments. Her father suggested she call me for some advice on what to buy, since he knew I worked with computers. I answered the questions based on her needs and thought she had a pretty good grasp of the fundamentals of what we had discussed about RAM, applications, windows, etc. Until she asked, "Oh, and Mike, which is better, hardware or software?" ======= I was working for a major college in our area and we had a real neophyte end user that was constantly having problems with her PS/2. I went over to find out what was wrong. I wanted to find out what program she was running, so I asked, "What software are you using?" She replied, "Software? Oh, we don't use software." Needless to say I was totally amazed, I guess her computer is telepathic. ======= Talking to a Mac user: * Tech Support: "Do you have any extensions on?" * Customer: "I have a surge protector." ======= A friend had to go over to a bank and set everyone's software up. Since all the Internet software his company supports runs under MS Windows, he asked the manager "Do you have Windows?" The manager stared at him blankly and said, "No, we've got air conditioning." ======= A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." ======= My mother works in a bank. She told me that every once in a while the printer would go crazy and spit out dozens of blank pages for no reason. I told her that sometimes happens when somebody prints a binary file that contains unprintable characters. The next day, she proudly announced to everyone in the office that the reason the printer goes crazy is because it's printing "unmentionable" characters. ======= I'm an employee of a major computer retail store. Recently I saw a woman wandering around, looking confused. I asked her if I could help. * Customer: "Yes, I'm trying to compare these computers to see which one is better." * Me: "What are you looking for in a computer?" She looked at me disdainfully, as if I was the world's dumbest idiot for having to ask. * Customer: "I need a computer with both megabytes and gigabytes." ======= Once one of my students asked me: * Student: "When are we going to see those there gigglebites?" ======= * Tech Support: "How much memory is in the computer?" * Customer: "Eight megadrives." ======= * Teacher: "I really want to buy a new computer. I think I just need to change the hard drive. Do you think a Pentium hard drive is fast enough?" ======= Once I had a customer ask me if our DSL service was Pentium-ready. ======= * Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?" * Customer: "It's a 56 killer beet modem. Or killer beep?" ======= * Customer: "I have a 33 kilowatt modem." ======= While selling off some salvaged computers, we had a couple of 286 CPU cases stacked together with a monitor on top; another monitor happened to be sitting nearby. A woman asked me (pointing to the first monitor), "How come this one comes with two risers and the other none?" ======= My company publishes clip art products for the computer, so many of the tech support calls involve people trying to use our products with their own illustration software -- Aldus FreeHand was one of the most popular. One day I overheard the tech guy in the next office say to a customer, "No, I think you mean Aldus. Adidas is the shoe." ======= * Customer: "I'm going to install Windows 75 as soon as you guys send it to me." ======= * Customer: "I've been using Windows 94 at work." ======= A job ad that I saw in a storefront in London in March 1998 was for someone with "Windows 97" experience. ======= * Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have?" * Customer: "Windows 94." * Tech Support: "I presume you mean Windows 95?" * Customer: "Of course not. I've got the version that came out first." ======= The other night I was talking to my girlfriend's father about computers. He was complaining about the difference with his computer at home and the one he has at work. The one at home was a Pentium II with Windows 95. The one at work was an old machine running "Windows 91." ======= * Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?" * Customer: "I think it had Office 97." ======= * Customer: "I'm on Windows 96." * Tech Support: "I'm sorry, do you mean Windows 95?" * Customer: "No, I'm on Windows 96." * Tech Support: "I'm sorry sir, but there is no such thing as Windows 96. You must be using Windows 95." * Customer: "Look, I bought this computer in 1996, so I know it has Windows 96 on it." * Tech Support: (pause) "Sir, buying a computer is not like buying a car with the different model years." * Customer: "Oh, I didn't know that." ======= * Friend: "Yeah, I use this neat thing to build my web page. It has bars and stuff, and it's just like a normal picture. Internet Maker or something it's called." * Me: "Um, you mean Front Page Express." * Friend: "Yeah, that's it, my computer uses Windows 5, you know." * Me: "Windows 95?" * Friend: "No, Windows 5." * Me: "Windows 5 doesn't exist." * Friend: "Maybe it's Microsoft 5. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what the little box says." * Me: "You mean Internet Explorer 5." * Friend: "Yeah, my computer uses Internet Explorer 5. You know, my neighbor had an advance copy of Windows 95 in 1990." ======= A guy I work with came back from the dentist, puzzled. The two had been commiserating about Windows and its instability, and the dentist had observed, "Yeah, last night I was fooling around with the system, and I blew out all my interrupts." ======= * Customer: "This may sound strange, but my friend told me that if I emptied my cash box, it would help the Internet go faster. Ever heard of that?" * Tech Support: "I believe he was referring to the cache files in your AOL folder." * Customer: "No, he specifically said cash box. And I think it's the one in my Quicken software. How do I empty that? And what happens to my cash balance?" ======= * Tech Support: "We should use FTP to transfer this picture." * Customer: "No, we do not accept FTP, we can only use JPG." ======= * Student: "I just wrote a document in FTP. How can I send it as an attachment to an email?" ======= * Customer: "Yeah, my Internet Explorer can only save pictures as bumpy files." (He was saving them as .bmp files.) ======= * Customer: "Backsplash. Backsplash?" * Tech Support: "Backslash." * Customer: "C colon backspl...backslash." ======= * My Boss: "Well, I think this Windows 95 thing is gonna be a big blackslash for Microsoft." ======= I had a woman phone me the other day saying that she couldn't find "Microsoftware" on her PC. I guess "Microsoft" and "software" merged in her mind. I asked her what she was trying to do (to work out what software she actually needed), and she quite say. "I don't know what it's for -- I just know it should be there!" she said. I promised to mail a disk out to her when the next shipment of Microsoftware came in. ======= * Customer: "...and then when I push the smash button it does..." ======= * Customer: "By the way, do you know any web sites where I can download RAM?" ======= * Friend: "I can't wait to get connected to the Internet so I can download some more RAM and Megahertz!" ======= * Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" * Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" ======= I made the mistake of sending my mother an old computer for Christmas. Last Friday, she went out and bought a modem. I got the following call: * Mom: "The hard drive doesn't work." * Me: "Ok, tell me what's happening." * Mom: "The light doesn't come on, so I can't put the hard drive in and download the modem." * Me: (dead silence) ======= I had a job interview with an up-and-coming company that was working on expanding their local network. After grilling me for half an hour, this very nice woman told me that if they offered me a position, I'd be "working on the client-server side of the network." I managed not to laugh at that, but I left the room wondering how many of me they planned to hire. ======= Recently, the head of the marketing department had a information session for us programmers. During the course of the session, the orator started talking about MPEG 2. He described MPEG 2 as being a "compression allegory." ======= * Customer: "I just shut down Windows 95, and it says, 'It is NOT safe for me to turn off my computer.'" * Tech Support: "Um...are you sure?" * Customer: (terrified) "Yes!" * Tech Support: "Sir, read me the screen letter for letter." * Customer: "Ok. I, t, i, s, n, o, w--" * Tech Support: "There! It says 'now', not 'not'. Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?" ======= I was doing some training for an initial release of our software. One of the students found a bug that caused the software to crash. The student was new to computers, so I explained that the program had crashed. The student proceeded to look behind the laptop he was working on, look below it, and then look at me, confused, and asked, "What did it hit?" ======= I had a lady that called up complaining that she couldn't access the Internet. Now keep in mind she had an IBM system with a "Mwave" modem. She said that every time she tried to connect to the Internet, it told her that there was no dial tone. She looked up the error message in her help documentation, and it told her to make sure her phone line was connected. * Customer: "I can see that I put one end in my computer, but where does the other end of the phone line go? My microwave doesn't have a connection that fits this plug." ======= * Customer: "I turned on my computer, and it just sits there. What do I do?" * Tech Support: "Is the computer plugged in?" * Customer: "Yes, of course." Through the course of our conversation, I discovered she was calling the monitor the computer and the computer the disk drive. So I clarified. * Tech Support: "Is the little gray tower with the slots in it plugged in?" * Customer: "No, but it doesn't need to be." I helped her get the system working, but she returned it anyway. She said, quote, "I couldn't get no hard drives programmed into the CPU." The return was accepted without hesitation. ======= * Customer: "I'm having trouble inserting my ethernet card into my hard drive." ======= * Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive." ======= I work as a tech for my local school district. One day we got in a Mac LC with a problem tag stating the following: "Need to install CD chip into hard disk drive to expand memory to accept CD programs." ======= * Customer: "I turned my computer on this morning and it said something about a pipe being burst? Should I call a plumber, or can you fix it?" ======= * Tech Support: "Hmm, sounds like your system froze up." * Customer: "I don't know why. It's about 80 degrees in here!" ======= I work at a computer store in the upgrades department. One day, a customer came up to me and asked for a "card game." * Me: "A card game? You mean, like poker?" * Customer: "No, no. I just bought a steering wheel. I need a card game." * Me: "You mean a 'car game,' like Nascar? So that you can use the steering wheel to drive?" The customer looked at me like I was a complete idiot. * Customer: "No. I have a Compaq computer. We tried to plug the steering wheel in, but it didn't work so we need a card game." I was trying to figure out how a card game was going to help them out. Instead of getting a racing game, at least a card game would work. But it wouldn't be very easy to play a card game with a steering wheel. Then I figured it out. * Me: "You mean you need a 'game card,' to plug in your steering wheel?" * Customer: "Oh, yeah. Maybe that's what it's called." * Me: "They're in aisle 10 with the steering wheels." ======= * Customer: "My computer won't start up." * Tech Support: "Is the power light on?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Is anything on the monitor?" * Customer: "Yes, it says to press F2 for setup, or I can press F1 and fill out a resume." ======= * Customer: "Is a Pentagram better than a 486?" ======= One morning, a man walked up to our service window and asked me to help advise him which computer he should buy. "I want one of them Pentenniums," he stated. "Ok, you want a Pentium," I replied, hoping he would note the subtle correction. But he didn't. Several times during our chat, he continued to say "Pentennium." After we were finished talking, he thanked me and started to walk away -- but then turned and came back to the window. "Hey, about that Pentennium," he said. "Is that a 386 or a 486?" ======= I have worked for several years selling computers at national chain and am continuously amazed at how many people ask if our computers come with a "Pendulum Chip" in it. I am proud to say that I never once succumbed to the urge to tell them to simply listen for the ones that make a tick-tock noise. ======= * Customer: "I have a Kumquat Presario." ======= A couple years ago, I tried to get in on field testing of cable modem service in the Chicago area. I was calling to order cable TV anyway, so after setting up my cable TV account, I asked the guy if the field tests for cable modems were available in my area. * Cable Guy: "Cadle Mobem?" * Me: "Cable Modem." * Cable Guy: "We don't have that." Thinking his reply was a bit too quick, I asked him to go and check with his supervisor as to whether the service was available. He put me on hold. No less than ten minutes later, he came back. * Cable Guy: "Did you say Cadle Mobem?" * Me: "Cable. Modem." * Cable Guy: "Hold on." Five more minutes on hold. * Cable Guy: "Is that like email?" * Me: "Yeah. Kinda like email." * Cable Guy: "We don't have that." I gave up and found through other sources that, indeed, it was not available in my area. Now that I have one, though, I can't help but call it a "Cadle Mobem." ======= We had a guy in our office decide to become an advocate of client-server computing. "We shouldn't be using the file server for accessing shared information. What we should be using is a client server." We were laughing over this one for a long time afterward. The term "client-server," of course, refers to a particular type of architecture, of which the "file server" is an example. ======= I was doing IT support for a college, and one of the teachers called me in a panic: "One of the students was in the computer, and it collapsed!" By "collapsed," it turns out, she meant "crashed." I had visions of something akin to a mining accident. ======= * Receptionist: "Good morning; how may I help you?" * Caller: "I didn't understand your answering machine, so I thought I'd better hold on." * Receptionist: "Who would you like to speak to?" * Caller: "I was after testical support." I put him through on the technical support line, but I suppose the obvious answer would have been to suggest a jock strap. ======= A few weeks ago, we had a young man come in and say, "My computer is getting cervical errors." He looked surprised when we started laughing. ======= I spoke with a woman who appeared to be knowledgeable about computers and wanted to inquire as to which modem to purchase. She asked which ISPs were supporting 56K modems, how noisy the phones lines were, the pros and cons about voice modems, and so forth. After determining which modem would best meet her requirements, she asked, "How much more hard drive space will this give me?" Then, before I could recover enough to answer, she asked, "Or would a trackball be better to speed up my computer?" ======= Everybody entering my high school is required to take a very basic computer class. It was way below my skill level, but I had to take it just like everybody else. Whenever someone had a computer problem, the rest of the class (most of whom had absolutely no computer knowledge or common sense) liked to "help." One day, someone managed to not only remove all the toolbars from both the two windows he had open (Word and Internet Explorer) but also remove the address bar on IE and move the task bar to the side of the screen. He did all this without knowing how he did it. This normally would have been simple to fix, but everyone else was trying to "help," so it took a while. Some of my favorite suggestions were: * "Right click it!" -- From someone who wasn't talking about anything in particular. He couldn't even see the screen; all he heard was the other people talking about how the "thingies" were gone. * "De-connect!" * "Fix the cookies!" * "De-boot it!" Most of these suggestions were the problem-solving catch phrases of whoever said them. No matter what the problem is, they think they can fix it with the same procedure as all other problems. Many people in computer labs will assure you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your nice comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do it yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the response is, "THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously not. ======= A customer, attempting to show that he's knowledgeable about computers... * Customer: "Do you know about MIDI?" * Tech Support: (slightly puzzled) "Yes..." * Customer: "I was THERE." ======= We have a customer here who recently bought his own domain. His catch phrase everytime he has a problem is, "Do you think I could add a MIDI file to fix that?" ======= My family got our first computer when I was 14, back in 1995. It was a then state-of-the-art Packard Bell 486 running Win 3.11. One of their friends set it up for them, and this guy was the type that thought he knew everything about everything but really didn't. He had us all gather round as he showed us how to turn it on and off. He told us to never, under any circumstances, turn on the monitor or the printer until we heard the "little beep." The beep would sound once the computer checked its memory and everything checked out okay. My parents followed this routine religiously for years, honestly believing the computer would sustain damage if they didn't do everything in the proper order. I still laugh about this. ======= I work at the help desk of a university. * Student: "Um, yes, I'm using Powerpoint to prepare some slides for class tomorrow, and I wanted to know if there is a way to copy and paste a background from slide to slide." * Me: "Yes. In order to change the background image to a color or picture, all you need to do is right-click, select Background, and then select a color, image, or background effect to use. It'll let you select if you want the background to fill this slide or multiple ones as well." * Student: (dead silence) "That's too many clicks. I don't have time to click six times to get a background. All I want to do is copy and paste." * Me: "Unfortunately, Powerpoint doesn't do it that way, sir." * Student: "Yeah, well, I want to copy and paste, so it should. Could I fill a slide with enough text to turn it black? Then I could copy and paste it instead. I only want two slides black anyway. I just don't have the time for this many clicks." * Me: "As far as I know you can't do that, sorry. Maybe one day Microsoft will employ that particular feature but not yet. You could always email them a formal suggestion for it, though." * Student: "I just might do that." ======= I once received an email that included the line: By the way, what does BTW stand for? ======= A friend of mine was recently typing up his resume and listing his experience with different operating systems. When the Word spelling/grammar checker came across "Windows ME and Linux," it was quick to suggest that "Windows, Linux, and I" would be more appropriate. ======= * Tech Support: "Tech support. May I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, my microwave isn't communicating with my computer correctly anymore. I'd like to bring in my microwave and my computer." ======= * Customer: "I want to get the new Netscape from you people." * Tech Support: "I'll need to charge your account $30." * Customer: "What do you mean? I pay for this service." * Tech Support: "We're providing the registered version of Netscape. Netscape charges us, so we have to charge you." * Customer: "Well, my son is a socialist and I spent a year in Spain. What do you have to say to that?" Uh.... * Customer: "I thought so." [click] ======= * Tech Support: "Hi, this is tech support. I was returning your support call." * Customer: "Sorry, we don't sell lobsters to the public." ======= I work for a large company. One day one of our servers had a serious crash, and the tech working on it needed assistance with the recovery process. He went to the CIO and asked him what he should do. The CIO replied, "If a server has a hard drive and some ROM, and when you push the 'on' button on the monitor the screen at least flickers, then there's no possible way there could be any error on the machine whatsoever!" ======= I have a friend who isn't very computer literate. Whenever she saves her work, she does it five times, one right after another, just to "make sure it will actually be saved." ======= Once I had a guy bring in two polaroid pictures of screen shots of his computer. He claimed they were "before" and "after" shots and wanted us to diagnose his computer problems by looking at the pictures. They looked the same to us -- but we kept them and posted them in the back area with a $1000 dollar reward to anyone who could diagnose the problem that way. ======= Cut from our email support log: This morning I tried to sign on and for a purple screen. After several tried with different browsers then I got the message you were down. I tried to exit. It went to a background with huge pixels and stuck. I mean no amount of rebooting would get rid of it. Finally I had to reset my wallpaper. ======= I had a guy in my office who decided he didn't like his wall paper. He was a Windows 95 user with a policy editor, and he couldn't figure out how every time the machine restarted, the same wall paper came back. His first step was to blame the person that worked on the opposite shift from him, and the second was to remove the offending file. Being a not so experienced user of four years, he decided to restart the machine in DOS, change to the Windows directory, and type in "del *.*". ======= * Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" ======= Our store had a few demo computers running so customers could try them out. I kept an eye on one guy who went to the DOS prompt and started viewing EXE files with the "TYPE" command. I watched him doing it for over ten minutes, after which my curiosity was too much to resist. I went over and asked him what he was doing. * Customer: "I was studying how the programs worked." ======= When I was in college, I worked four hours a week as a tutor for an introductory computer class. Once I was helping a student out who was having trouble using Microsoft Excel. He couldn't figure out how to print out cell formulas (a common problem). After I showed him what to do, he hit the print button, then sat there and stared blankly at the screen. After a few seconds, he turned to me and asked, "Do I have to go get it from the printer now?" ======= A former manager told me he wanted to get a new Excel spreadsheet, but after opening an old one and deleting the data, the formatting was still there. "You mean other than selecting 'File' and then 'New'?" I asked tactfully. I started up Excel, and a blank spreadsheet opened up. "Yeah, that!" he exclaimed. "How do I get a new spreadsheet like that?" "Well," I said, choosing my words carefully, "just open Excel, and you get a blank sheet automatically, or if you already have a spreadsheet open, just go to 'File' and select 'New.'" Happy as a clam, he walked away, and I just shook my head and laughed to myself. ======= I work for an ad agency. A customer of ours sells peripheral hardware for computers. They asked me to post all the latest drivers on the web site we made for them. Before I could say another word, my genius co-worker arranged for a professional photographer and two days of studio time for photographing the drivers. ======= * Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?" * Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I don't think we could do that." ======= I was working at a help desk, and, thankfully, my co-worker took this particular call. A man nervously called saying that he couldn't print his proposal due out that day, because WordPerfect was reporting an error that his fonts were missing. My co-worker told the gentleman that we'd send somebody right up. Apparently there was quite a back log, though, and no one could get there fast enough for him. He had continually called throughout the day asking for his call to be expedited. Finally, at the end of the day, his secretary called and asked, urgently, "Could you PLEASE send somebody up as quickly as possible? He opened the computer with a screwdriver and is looking for his missing fonts." ======= I received a call from a friend who was fairly new to computing. He had bought a new game and was trying to install it on his PC, but the installation failed for some reason. So I asked what instructions he had, and he seemed to have some written installation notes, so I decided to talk him through the installation. Step one, copy all files to c:\windows\fonts. * Me: "Ok. Next step?" * My Friend: "That is it." * Me: "Huh? It doesn't say anything else?" * My Friend: "No." * Me: "... What is this game called?" * My Friend: "Fonts." * Me: "Fonts?" * My Friend: "Yeah, and every file is all the letters of the alphabet." * Me: "'Fonts' is not a game." * My Friend: "What is it, then?" After I explained what fonts were, he was less than happy at having spent $20 on something that was not a game. He didn't even have a word processor package on his computer at that time. ======= Around 1999, I worked for a Norwegian computer company that built computers and installed software for the customer. As a standard procedure, we always checked the hardware properties just in case something was not working. The guy I worked with used to brag about his education at a computer college. I was self-taught, just by playing around and testing things. Anyway, one time I was fiddling with a system and noticed there was a yellow mark on the sound card icon that indicated it was not functioning properly. * Co-Worker: "Oh, when you get those marks, you have to format the drive, and re-install Windows. That's the only way to get rid of it." Strange, I thought. That'd have taken about 45 minutes, so I started poking around in the system. Lo and behold, there was a simple conflict error. Another piece of hardware was allocated the same address. I manually chose a new one, and poof, everything worked. My co-worker was amazed. This would save him hours of work every day, as the error occurred on about one third of the machines. His education didn't impress me so much after that. ======= Once I went out to a customer site to investigate what was reported to be a grinding sound coming from the hard drive. * Customer: "Oh! I'm glad you're here, I'm worried that my hard drive's going to crash any minute!" * Technician: "Don't worry. It's not your hard drive. It sounds like it's just the cooling fan." * Customer: "Oh! Really? Thank goodness. Can you fix it? It's really distracting." * Technician: "Sure! No problem." I lifted the stack of interoffice envelopes that were stacked beside the system and turned them so that the tie strings were no longer hanging into the fan. All my calls should be this easy. ======= * Tech Support: "How may I help you today, sir?" * Customer: "Hello...hey, er...I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer." * Tech Support: "Why is that, sir?" * Customer: "I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'." * Tech Support: "Yes...?" * Customer: "Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer." ======= * Tech Support: "ISP tech support, how may I help you?" * Customer: "Yes I was wondering if you could help me?" * Tech Support: "Well I can certainly try." * Customer: "Do you know those 55 gallon drums that they hold oil in?" * Tech Support: (blink) "Yes...I believe so." * Customer: "The ones that they have for trash cans at some places, but they originally have oil in them?" * Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I know what you are talking about." * Customer: "Well I was wondering if you could tell me why they chose that number?" * Tech Support: "What number, sir?" * Customer: "55." * Tech Support: "Sir, this is technical support for the Internet." * Customer: "Yes, I know." * Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, I guess I am just confused on how you think that I can help you." * Customer: "Well can you look it up and maybe put it on your web page?" * Tech Support: "No sir, I really couldn't. I don't have that type of time on my hands, nor would my system administrator allow me to put that sort of information up on our company web site." * Customer: "Ohh, ok." * Tech Support: "Have you tried searching the Internet yourself?" * Customer: "Yes. I am not very good at that sort of thing." * Tech Support: "I am sorry, sir -- there is nothing that I can do from here." * Customer: "Well, if you happen to come across it could you let me know?" * Tech Support: "Yeah, uh-huh, ok. If I find that I will let you know. Have a good day." ======= I was an IBM tech at the time. A customer called in with a complex problem. During the course of the call I could hear, in the background, a screeching wail. I tried to ignore it, but it was distracting, and later I began to get worried about what sort of thing was going on there. About five minutes into the call I considered putting the customer on hold and calling the police when the customer asked if I was wondering what the noise in the background was. She said, "I work in an opera school, and that particular student is excessively terrible at singing." I had to put the customer on hold until I stopped laughing. ======= I worked as a computer tech for an insurance company. One day I received a call from supervisor on the sales floor. * Me: "Hello, IT." * Supervisor: "Hello?" * Me: "Hello?" * Supervisor: "Hello?" * Me: "Hello?" The phone went dead. I put the phone down, and it rang again. * Me: "Hello, IT." * Supervisor: "Hello, did you just ring me?" * Me: "No you rang me." * Supervisor: "Did I? Oh, well, the reason I'm ringing now is because you couldn't hear me when I rang you before." * Me: "Yes I could." * Supervisor: "No you couldn't." * Me: "Yes I could." * Supervisor: "No you couldn't." * Me: "Believe me, I could." * Supervisor: "Can you hear me now?" * Me: "Yes, of course I can." * Supervisor: "Oh, that's all right then. Catch you later." ======= I work for a large ISP. In the middle of a call, suddenly there was a piercing high pitched beeping noise in the background. * Me: "What is that noise?" * Customer: "Hey Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!" * Me: "What was that?" Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! * Me: "What is that noise?" * Customer: "It's from a device." * Me: "What kind of device?" * Customer: "I don't know." * Me: "Like a fax machine or something?" * Customer: "I don't know. Someone is under house arrest or something." ======= I work for technical helpline. When our lines are busy, customers can leave messages in our voicemail. The system asks for the customer to leave contact info, machine details, and description of the problem. Here's one message I got: "There's something wrong with my computer. I really can't tell you what the problem is or what the machine does, but there definitely is something wrong with it. Could you please call me back soon?" I hope the customer got the psychic message I sent him about how to fix the problem. I sure didn't get his psychic message about the problem and his phone number. ======= When I was a college senior in 1988, I was flipping through the Boston Globe want ads. On one page was a job posting for a programmer with "a minimum of five years of Macintosh programming experience." I sometimes wonder if they found a qualified candidate. The Mac had only been on the market since 1984. ======= Back in 1998, I was going through the employment section of the newspaper and found this: "Applicant must have 5 years experience with Windows 95." ======= * Customer: "Yes, I'd like to order the iron." * Tech Support: (blink) "Pardon?" * Customer: "I would like the iron." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, we fix computers here, not sell irons. Where did you get our phone number from?" * Customer: "Oh." * Tech Support: "Ma'am?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Where did you get our phone number?" * Customer: "From the TV!" * Tech Support: "A commercial?" * Customer: "No, the program!" * Tech Support: "WHICH program?" * Customer: "The one with the iron!" Turned out she was watching Home Shopping Club and got our tech support number mixed up with their number and waited on hold for 45 minutes as 'Gateway Radio' played Top 40 songs with intermittent "Have your customer ID or serial number" and "Be sure to have your computer on and are sitting in front of it" messages. ======= An elderly woman called, furious. * Tech Support: "How can I help you ma'am?" * Customer: "You had better help me!" * Tech Support: "That's why they pay me!" * Customer: "Don't get smart with me!" * Tech Support: "Of course, ma'am, how can I help you?" * Customer: "Well, I've been waiting for quite some time!" * Tech Support: "Yes ma'am, our current wait is about twenty minutes. It usually isn't that bad." * Customer: (yelling) "Twenty minutes! I've been waiting three days!" * Tech Support: "You've defied sleep and other bodily functions for a full 72 hours?" Isn't it wonderful when they get vague? Turns out she clicked on the "Help" button in Word or something three days prior and was waiting for us to call her...despite the fact that her computer had no modem and was not near a telephone line. ======= Once I received a call from a customer who was obviously using a cell phone. There was some slight noise in the background, but I didn't think anything of it. He said he couldn't remotely connect to his company's network. * Tech Support: "What kind of error is it giving you?" * Customer: "I can't remember right now. Can you just fix it?" * Tech Support: "Well, run the program. Let's get the error so I can troubleshoot it." * Customer: "Okay, hold on, I need to turn it on." (grunt, click, bump, grunt, click) * Tech Support: "Sir?" * Customer: "Yeah?" * Tech Support: "Are you alright?" * Customer: "Oh yeah! Just opening my laptop. It's in my passenger seat here." * Tech Support: "Sir, are you driving?" * Customer: "Uh, yeah?" * Tech Support: "You won't be able to troubleshoot a connection issue with your network if you aren't plugged into a phone or DSL line, sir. Let me give you your ticket number, and you can call us back when you get to an office or something." * Customer: "Hang on, I have to turn on the computer so I can write that number down." * Tech Support: "Er, how about this, sir, just call the help desk back when you get stopped somewhere and give us your User ID. We can look your ticket up from there." * Customer: "Oh, okay." ======= * Customer: "My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up." * Customer: "Look, I don't have three hands!" ======= I am head of tech support for a small ISP in northeast Georgia. One day a man called Internet Tech Support wanting us to step him through the process of fixing his joystick. One of our techs told him that we could not fix his joystick problem. The man got irate and wanted to talk to the manager, me. I told him the same thing. He ended the conversation by saying that we as an ISP would never make in the computer repair business with that kind of attitude. ======= While working as a consultant in the eighties, I wrote a simple dBase program for a client. She phone me a few weeks later to say that it had stopped saving data. I dropped by her office, and asked her to enter a record while I watched. She typed the data, then pressed Ctrl-Q. This conversation ensued: * Me: "Whoa! Why did you type Control-Q? Control-Q means 'quit without saving'!" * Her: "Well, I found that when I type Control-S to save, like you told me, the little light comes on, and the computer freezes for a bit. When I type Control-Q instead, the little light never comes on, and it saves faster." The "little light" was the hard drive light. ======= I worked for a time with a large Mechanical Systems contractor. They had need of a new estimating program and since I had some programming experience I accepted the challenge. After working long and hard on a Microsoft Access database that would fit the bill, I invited the owner of the firm to preview the new system. As he came into the office, he sat down at the computer and I told him to click on the "Estimating" icon. Noticing the blank look on his face, I pointed to the correct icon and said, "Click on this with your cursor." His eyes dropped to the keyboard and began scanning feverishly. (I still do not know what he was looking for!) Patiently, I pointed to the mouse on the pad next to him and said that it could be used to move the cursor and click on the icon. He looked relieved, then flipped the mouse over and began moving the ball with his fingertip. I turned the mouse back over and showed him how to move the cursor. As I returned control of the mouse to him, he began to move the cursor all over the screen. Suddenly he exclaimed, "This is great. Did you really do all of this yourself?" Of course, I accepted praise for the basic workings of the operating system and proceeded to spend over one hour on a demo that should have taken about ten minutes. ======= I was giving instructions to a caller once, but his son was the one physically sitting at the computer, so all my instructions had to be relayed. Here's a snippet of the conversation: * Me: "Click on 'start', then select 'shut down', then select 'restart in MS-DOS mode'." * Customer: (to his son) "Ok, press 'start', 'shut up', and 'sit down'!" The really scary part was what his son said then: * Customer's Son: "Ok, I'm at the C: prompt!" Do we really want to know what goes on at that house? ======= Back to the days when I worked in technical support, I had a customer call me with a problem. I took his name and information, then asked him what the problem was. He got angry and started to yell at me, saying, "You should know that by now." When I told him that all I had was his username, password, and phone number, he assumed I had connected to his computer via the Internet and had complete and total access to his computer. When I explained to him that that wasn't possible, he was angered even more and said, "Then what the hell am I paying you for! This is technical support! You're supposed to be able to fix my computer!" He hung up. ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, we need to set up an icon for that program. To do that, I need to get you to your Program Manager--" * Customer: "Program manager? Why?!?" * Tech Support: "I can't put an icon up for you to click on if you don't go to your Program Manager." * Customer: "Hell! I don't even know who my immediate manager is, much less my program manager!" ======= I did tech support for the now defunct Zelos Digital Learning. We published and produced CD-ROM educational multimedia titles. One caller asked if he could get a copy of our "3-D Tutor" software on floppy disks. I told him the software would take up roughly 450 floppies' worth of space. "So will you do it?" he asked. ======= * "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!" ======= * Customer: "Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?" ======= While working in tech support, I received a call from a user who asked me to install some piece of software on her machine. While installing, there was a bit of a wait so I tried to make small talk. I said, "This machine is slow, isn't it?" She replied, "Well, I have a friend who has Quicken on her machine. If I install it on this machine, will it run faster?" ======= At work, each employee has a home directory on a UNIX file system. The home directories are sorted into subdirectories, one per group within the organization. Recently I moved from one group to another and consequently needed my UNIX account moved to the new area. Finally I was informed that the move had taken place. I logged in and discovered that instead of copying the contents of my old home directory to my new home directory, the copy started one level up. So inside my new home directory was actually a copy of the whole directory for my old group. Basically I had a copy of all the home directories of all the members of my old group right inside my new home directory. (On top of that, my old home directory was never removed from the old location.) Fortunately, among the many home directory copies I had was a copy of my own. I fixed the problem myself. Good thing I'm a scrupulous person. ======= From the MySQL online manual: 21.1.1 How to convert mSQL tools for MySQL 1. Run the shell script msql2mysql on the source. This requires the replace program, which is distributed with MySQL. 2. Compile. 3. Fix all compiler errors. ======= A user came into my office this morning. Apparently, her computer had popped up a message that included the words, "See your System Administrator," so she came down to find out what I wanted. ======= * Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." * Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" * Customer: "Of course I am. That's why I bought it." * Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" * Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of course I do." * Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." * Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it." ======= When a colleague of mine first ran across the original PKARC program (this was a while ago) he thought it was the greatest thing. He figured that he could reduce each of his files to a single byte by re-running PKARC on a .ARC file enough times. I couldn't convince him otherwise because, lacking a detailed knowledge of software compression techniques, I had only my own gut instinct to rely on. That and the fact that, if he were correct, it would mean that the number of different possible files was limited to 256. ======= A guy I worked for was kind of a penny pincher. One of his disk space saving techniques was to compress compressed compressions. He would use the product that compresses EXE files internally so they automatically expand when executed, then zip a whole bunch of files including those, then store the zip file on a DriveSpace compressed volume. I think his eventual goal was to get all his files down to 1 byte. ======= One of the managers of marketing in our company is among the most clueless computer users I've ever had the misfortune of working with. It wouldn't be so bad except that he's so dead set against actually learning anything. He refuses, for example, to be taught how to pull pictures off his digital camera or print out images, instead requiring others to do these simple tasks for him. An argument could be made that this is all for the better. One day, when he was feeling uncharacteristically adventurous, he sought to take a 5 meg movie file -- a short commercial advertising our company's services -- and make it smaller by increasing the compression level or reducing the resolution. After some initial assistance, he amazed us all by actually figuring out how to accomplish this, then emailed me the result, along with the comment: ok..i reduced it further..got itdown to 80 bytes.... I replied with the following: I have to admit to doubting that - this email is longer than 80 bytes. ("Longer than 80 bytes" of course included my signature file.) The great kicker to this story came in the next reply: yes..i meant 800 bytes..damn this keyboard! ======= * My Friend: "What is Microsoft Word?" * Me: "A program that lets you type up documents." * My Friend: "Hey! Don't give me any of you computer jargon crap, ok? I'm not a computer programmer!" ======= * Customer: "I can't find Word on my computer anywhere." * Tech Support: "Ok, which PC do you have, sir?" * Customer: (eventually names the model we sold him) * Tech Support: "Ok, well, that machine doesn't come with MS Word, sir?" * Customer: "Why not?" * Tech Support: "Well, sir, MS Word is a separate product from your operating system. We do sell it if you would like to buy it." * Customer: "Hold on, my friend has Word on his PC. Why are you guys selling incomplete computers?" * Tech Support: "Sir, some PCs come with office software, and some do not. The software is an optional extra." * Customer: "Right, fair enough then, I'll call in and buy Word." The customer called in and indeed bought the MS Works suite. Two hours later, I got the same customer on the phone again. * Customer: "I have a complaint about this software." * Tech Support: "Ok, what seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "There's no seems about it! This software is junk." * Tech Support: "Can you be more specific, sir?" * Customer: "Whenever I type something, it makes red lines under the text. How the hell can I send someone an important letter with red lines all over it?" * Tech Support: (uses the mute button) ======= Below is an email is received while working as a webmaster for a mapping company. "PLEASE I WOULD LIKE TO GET SOME INFORMATION ABOUT THE WAY TO BUY ANY OF YOUR MAPS.PLEASE EXPECIFICATE IF I NEED A CREDIT CARD OR IF I HAVE TO PAY WHEN IT ARRIVES TO MY HOME.IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU HAVE THE MAPS TRANSLATED TO SPANISH. PLEASE SEND THE INFORMATION TO (email address) ======= * Customer: "It won't let me check out." * Tech Support: "Are you using a valid credit card?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "What does it say in the bottom right hand corner of the card?" * Customer: "C-I-T-G-O." ======= I work for a help desk. The other day, a user was receiving an error message of some kind, and I was trying to walk her through taking a screenshot of the error and sending it to me in an email. When she opened up Paint and selected "paste," she exclaimed, "Oh no! I got the error again!" ======= I'm an occasional consultant for a group of lawyers who spend all day every day in Word and WordPerfect, completely ignoring the rest of Windows and other applications. One day the secretary called me and told me she was worried they were running out of disk space on the server and wanted to start saving space. * Me: "How much disk space do you have left?" (I told her how to find out.) * Her: "6 gigabytes." * Me: "And how big is your collection of documents?" (I told her how to find out.) * Her: "8 megabytes." * Me: "Well, you're not going to run out of space for a long time, then. Why do you feel you need to save space?" * Her: "Because we work on these documents all day long, and I hear that I can make them smaller with WinZip." I told her all about archiving, zip, WinZip, etc. At her insistence, I helped her download and install WinZip. I walked her through the process of using the system, creating archives, decompressing them, etc. A week later she called again, in a panic. * Her: "I zipped all of our files and deleted the originals, but all of the archives are corrupt!" * Me: "Why do you think they're corrupt?" * Her: "Because when I open them in Word, all I see is garbage. When the boss finds out you told me to do this, he'll fire you and probably me too!" Cautionary Note: In some versions of Word, merely opening a WinZip file in Word will corrupt the file. Thank Microsoft that computers are not boring. ======= A friend of mine had just found a working 386. He said the end of the monitor cable was missing a few pins, but he was going to fix it by gluing new pins into the holes. ======= * Customer: "When I boot up my computer, I get a NetBIOS error. When is your server going to be back up?" ======= * Customer: "I want a system that I can afford, but not one that will go obsolete in six or seven years." How about a time machine? ======= I work as a lab proctor in a computer lab on campus. One day a gentleman was having trouble editing his document, so I went over to his computer to see what the problem was. He was trying to type his paper in at the DOS prompt. ======= For some reason, all our classroom's computers' sound cards stopped working. We determined that someone had deleted the sound drivers off all the computers, so we told the teacher. * Students: "Someone took the sound drivers off all the computers." * Teacher: "You mean they STOLE them??" ======= * Customer: "I deleted a file from my PC last week, and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have my file back again?" ======= Ever since the first day at my typing class I suspected my teacher was an idiot. To test the theory, my classmate and I went around and unplugged various network plugs to see if the teacher could figure it out. After about thirty minutes of watching her struggle to get the network working, we plugged it back in. She thought she was a genius for getting it back online. The next day we unplugged the network again. She got so discouraged that she gave us a written test on the basics of computers. I felt pretty good, thinking I'd get an easy A on the test. Nope. Two of the questions: "How do you produce a computer saved?" I decided she was asking how to load a saved file. I was right. "How do you key a dash?" I almost fell down laughing. I answered "hit the dash button." I got this one wrong. The answer was "hit the dash button twice." With more questions like this, I ended up failing the test. ======= * Customer: "Wait, that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again." ======= I was on a call at the airport when the airport manager came in and said, "I can't log on to the city network! It won't accept my password! And it's been like this for three days!" I went in to his office while asking the usual questions about checking the caps lock, spelling, etc. When we got to his computer I asked him to try logging in. When the Netware Login came up the username was "admin". Someone from IT had been in and done work on his computer using the admin account, which would come up as the default username in the login dialog until another user logged in. He said he didn't know you could change the username and had just been using his regular password. So for three days he hadn't been able to do any work and hadn't bothered to make a phone call to the help desk to try and resolve it. I guess that's why managers get the big bucks. ======= A couple walked into our computer store and told me they were coming to get their computer that had been here for repair. I asked them their name and looked for their computer on the shelves but couldn't find it. As I was franctically searching for the repair invoice in our customer database, they kept saying how mad they were because it took us so long to repair their computer. I finally told them that I couldn't find any trace of their computer. * Customer: "Listen! I'm not stupid, Richard called me this morning to tell me that it was ready." * Me: "Umm...I'm sorry, but no one here's called Richard. Are you sure you're in the right place?" * Customer: (taken aback) "Well...come to think of it...no. It was a few months ago, and I'm not sure anymore. Oh well. Bye." Last I ever saw of them. ======= I provide tech support over the phones for a company. We don't support Windows 98 and usually refer Win 98 calls to the Microsoft tech support line. * Customer: "I have Windows 98 on my system, and there's something wrong with the number you guys gave me. I can't seem to connect to it." * Tech Support: "What number did they give you?" * Customer: "1-800-426-9400. My computer says there's no answer." * Tech Support: "Your computer?" * Customer: "I am trying to connect using the setup wizard that keeps coming up, but everytime I dial out it tells me there's no answer. There's something wrong with that phone number. Could you give me a new one please?" * Tech Support: "Sir, that number is not a BBS. It's a toll-free voice number. You have to use an actual phone." * Customer: "There's something wrong with that number." * Tech Support: "Try using an actual PHONE. NOT your computer. Then see what you get." * Customer: "All right. I'll give that a try. But I doubt it'll work. Thank you." ======= Recently, we upgraded all our users from WordPerfect 5.1 to 6.0. One user was so happy that she decided she'd never use WordPerfect 5.1 again. So she went into 5.1 and deleted all her files. A short while later we got a call. "I can't find any of my files!" she complained. "What did you do with them?" ======= One of my clients called one day saying that a bunch of her folders were missing when she tried to open documents in Microsoft Word. She was smart enough to check trough Windows Explorer to see if the folders were still present, which they were. After several attempts over the phone to find the missing folders my service manager decided to send me over to take care of the problem. When I arrived, I asked the lady to duplicate the problem. She started Word and clicked on 'Open'. She then pointed out that some of her Folders were there but not all of them. As politely as possible, I pointed out that the scroll bar on the bottom of that window was not all the way to the left. When she moved it left, her missing folders appeared as expected. Needless to say she was very embarrassed since she had been using computers for over four years. ======= My mom wanted to make a card for her sister, so I spend over two hours walking her through the procedure. * Me: "Ok, Mom...double click on the icon that says 'Word'." * My Mother: "But I want to put the picture on there, with the words." * Me: "Well, you want to write the words for the card, right? Then we paste the picture on there." * My Mother: "Well if I was going to use paste and glue, what the hell did I get this computer for?? I'm just going to get paste on everything, and it won't work anymore." ======= I own a computer retail business that I ran out of my house. I had sold a PC to a friend of mine and then had a support call shortly thereafter. It seems that every time my friend would start his machine, he would get this error message to "Be sure to keep your system clean." So he asked me to recommend some virus software to him. I reluctantly suggested McAfee or Norton Anti-Virus but was skeptical that this would help. The guy called back a few days later and said the virus software wasn't working, and he had even gone so far as to open the case and vacuum the inside of his PC and wash the outside with Windex, but still the system was giving this crazy error message that neither he nor I had ever heard of. So I suggested he bring the machine over for me to look at. He did, and when I looked at it, I discovered that this error message was actually a Microsoft Word document that the guy had never closed. Somehow it kept appearing on start up. My friend owned a pool business. The document consisted of instructions for how to clean a filter system. ======= I had a call from a user with a problem with his spell checker. I walked him through fixing the problem and later sent a follow up email, asking if the problem was gone. I got this back: Thanks for inquiring, the spell chicker works fine. ======= * Customer: "Hey. If I only want to print part of my spreadsheet, should I highlight the part I want to print and then click on the 'Print Selection' button?" * Tech Support: "Uh, yeah." * Customer: "Ok, great. I'll go try that." [click] ======= I once saw a person with a spreadsheet in front of him. The spreadsheet had a few lists of numbers, and he was adding them manually by punching them into a calculator. ======= Our former accounts manager was a very "traditional" accountant and didn't trust computers at all. So he insisted that his staff check the "=SUM()" formulae on their spreadsheets with a desk calculator to confirm that the computer was telling the truth. ======= During an Excel course: * Student: "What's the point of a spreadsheet? All it can do is add things up and stuff." ======= In our company, we use Lotus Notes as our database. I am an executive assistant and am involved with determining how to handle or solve problems our field personnel have with the database. One person was telling me that he had lost one of his databases. * Me: "Lost one of your databases?" * Him: "Yes, it's fallen off my desktop." Apparently all he had done was rearrange his databases and only needed to scroll down to find it. Needless to say, I had been laughing the entire time. ======= * Customer: "My computer is making a noise like a lawn mower! It must be the fan belt or something." ======= * Customer: "I was wondering if this thing had a fan belt or something in it." * Me: "Sorry, a fan belt?" * Customer: "Yeah, it's getting slower each time I start it in the morning, and I wondered if there was a fan belt or drive shaft that might be slipping." ======= A very irate dentist called to complain that the custom office package which I had written was extremely slow. * Irate Dentist: "It takes thirty minutes for the receptionist to enter an appointment! This package is a piece of @#%$^!! Come down here this afternoon and get it out of here!" I was able to calm him down and offered to rewrite any portion of the software that wasn't executing correctly, which he finally agreed to. That afternoon I sat with the receptionist to watch her use the software and see where the slowdown occurred. She began entering her first appointment: S............... m............... i............... t.............. h............ I have never seen hunting and pecking go so agonizingly slow. No wonder it took thirty minutes to enter an appointment. ======= I was helping my friend with her computer once. I asked her to move a window that was partially obscuring another. I watched her as she resized the overlying window by pulling the lower left corner way down, then resizing it again by pulling the upper right corner so that it was the proper size again. * Me: "Why did you do that?" * Her: "Well I had to move it to see the other window, didn't I?" I showed her how to move windows around by the title bar, and she was amazed. ======= I work for an online banking service as a sales and service support representative. Part of our marketing included having our number on customer's bank statements. Needless to say, we received many calls unrelated to our service as customers would dial the first toll-free number they saw on their statement. Most of the people tho had called in error quickly understood and were content to let us transfer them to their local branch or just let us give them the correct number. One elderly lady took some extra convincing, and after five minutes of explaining that she had called the wrong area, reluctantly accepted my offer of giving her the correct number. * Me: "Ok, the toll free number is 1 800..." I hear four telephone keypad tones come through my headset. * Customer: "Ok, I have 1 800, what's the rest of the number?" * Me: "Just one moment, I'm going to connect you directly." ======= * Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?" * Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting." * Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!" * Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?" * Customer: "What's that?" ======= After dialing-in remotely to a field user's computer, I activated PCAnywhere's chat window to communicate with the user since she didn't have a dedicated phone line. I typed, "Barbara, if you're there, just type back." After about ten seconds, my chat window started displaying, "BACK" . . . "BACK" . . . "BACK" . . . "BACK" ======= We sell an add-on for a popular flight simulation game. A customer called and was very concerned about the message telling her that she needed a license in order to fly any of the planes in the game. After a moment's confusion I realized that she was referring to the license agreement that comes with just about all commercial software. I explained that no, we just needed her to agree not to resell the product without a license. What amazed me the most about the call was not that she had misunderstood the license agreement, but that she'd actually read it in the first place. I mean, who reads those things? ======= * Tech Support: "Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, is this the help desk?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir, it is; how may I help you?" * Customer: (in a very strained and excited voice) "I can't go to the bathroom!" Understandably, I was shocked. * Tech Support: "Sir...I am not sure what your definition of a help desk is, but I don't believe I am qualified to help you with that problem." * Customer: "You have to. The nearest bathroom is broken, and the toilet is overflowing. I don't know what to do. Send someone up to repair it." * Tech Support: "Sir, we only open do troubleshooting on computers, not bathrooms and toilets." * Customer: "But it's the same thing!" * Tech Support: "Um, no it's not." * Customer: "It is too! It's repairing things! Now I want someone up here right now." * Tech Support: "It's two entirely different things. Computers run on electricity and have hundreds of parts. Toilets run on water." * Customer: "It's an emergency! Can you send someone up to fix it?" * Tech Support: "Sir, might I suggest that you use another bathroom?" * Customer: "AGH! I CAN'T USE ANOTHER BATHROOM! I HAVE TO GO NOW! GET SOMEONE UP HERE NOW!" I put him on hold. For about three minutes. I hate to be screamed at. * Tech Support: "Sir, I cannot. I have no way to do that. I fix computers. Not toilets." * Customer: (rant, rant, rave, rave) * Tech Support: "I'm sorry, I really can't help you." * Customer: "Oh gosh...oh my pants!" (click) ======= I work in the internal tech support department for our bank's computers. Computers, mind you. Tech support for the computers. * Customer: "I have carpet people here and they are stretching my carpet and the iron they use is making smoke. How do I keep the smoke detectors from going off?" ======= Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and said to a secretary, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, he took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. ======= I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply and said how much I appreciated it. The next day I had a response: We are looking in to the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible. ======= One man complained that a message that appeared when installing Microsoft Excel said that the installation would take thirty minutes...and it only took ten. This is the first time anyone has ever complained that the wait was too short. ======= * Customer: "I had been waiting on the phone for you guys for three days! So I finally decided to heck with it and did what the instructions said." ======= * Customer: "My computer crashed!" * Tech Support: "It crashed?" * Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." * Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." * Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." * Tech Support: "Huh?" * Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. * Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" * Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" ======= Someone needed help installing a game from a diskette. * Tech Support: "Go to Start, Programs, MSDOS Prompt." * Customer: "Ok..." * Tech Support: "Now type 'cd\'." * Customer: "No, that can't be right." * Tech Support: "Why not, ma'am?" * Customer: "Because it's not on a CD." ======= * Customer: "Can you teach me how to use a computer?" ======= * Tech Support: "What version of that software are you using?" * Customer: "The computer version." ======= * Customer: "I can build computers. I just can't make them work." ======= * Customer: "Where is the lower case?" ======= * Customer: "Winsock is performing illegal acts." ======= * Customer: "Norton's disk checker tells me your program's illegal." ======= * Customer: "It says I've performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?" ======= I was at my fiancee's house for Thanksgiving, and her father was filling out a form on the computer. He was new to the wonders of Windows, and so didn't quite understand the "Your computer has performed an illegal operation" error message. I heard the exclamation from the living room: "What? It is NOT illegal for me to fill out this form!" ======= * Tech Support: "When you reboot, hold the left shift key down." * Customer: "Oh, that made it do bad things." ======= * Customer: "Can I install this on my word processor?" ======= * Customer: "I just called about half an hour ago, and the person I talked to said he'd mail me a new disk with new software on it. Where is it? I'm still waiting for it!" ======= I once saw a student type, "Please change my tutorial times," into a computer. Surprise, surprise, it didn't work! ======= A guy said whenever he typed the letter 'O', his Mac acted as though he typed Command-O. I told him I didn't think our INIT could do that and suggested that maybe the Command key was stuck down. He replied, "****, this call is costing me money!" He had a point, so I asked how he found out our product was causing the problem. He said he did an automatic conflict resolution test with his startup manager, which restarted his Mac five times in a row and identified our INIT as the culprit. Fair enough. Did he attempt to duplicate the problem after each startup? No? So how did the startup manager know what it was looking for? He said he told the startup manager what the problem was by typing the words CORRUPT KEYBOARD in the Notes field. I tried to find a polite was to say that startup managers don't read English yet, but it wasn't polite enough to prevent a rebuttal composed entirely of cuss words. Maybe if he'd typed that into his startup manager.... ======= * I once had a woman call and ask if we also taught "Don'ts" in the "Dos" class, and she was dead serious. ======= Since I teach nights at a local community college, I get a lot of professional programmers in my classes upgrading their education. One student, who was one such person, attended every lecture and smiled and nodded and took notes. But he only turned in his first assignment. The results of his first test were horrid. Out of curiosity, I asked my wife, who barely knew how to turn a computer on much less program one, to take the test (which was mostly true/false and multiple choice questions). My wife scored higher than this guy. The semester's end came, and he flubbed his final, too. A few weeks later, I got a call from him complaining about his 'F'. I pointed out he hadn't turned in any of his assignments, and those counted 75% of the grade. "Did you hear me say something besides what the other students heard?" I asked. "Well, I thought my test grades would carry me," he replied. It had turned out his company had paid for him to take the course. Since he failed, it suddenly came to the attention of his employer that he didn't know how to program, and now his job was in jeopardy. As I hung up the phone, I mused that his company shouldn't fire him. It was a perfect match: a programmer who couldn't program and a company that couldn't figure out sooner that he couldn't. ======= * Customer: "Ok, I want to get a chat client." * Tech Support: "All right, you need to go to [web site]." * Customer: "Let me write this down, I have a bad memory." * Tech Support: "Ok." * Customer: "You wouldn't believe the trouble I have remembering stuff." * Tech Support: "Ha ha." (to fill the silence) * Customer: "Really, I'm so dumb. I can't remember anything unless I write it down." * Tech Support: "Ha ha ha." (a little louder, to humor him) * Customer: "It all goes back to when I was in a car accident and hurt my head. The doctor said I had encephal-something-or-other and that it was serious, but I'm not really sure." * Tech Support: "Uh, back to that chat client..." ======= During 12th grade, I read up a book called "Stupid Mac Tricks." One of the tricks in it was how to replace the Mac's startup screen. As a joke, I made a graphic of a black-bordered white box with a gray background. The text in the box read, "This computer will self-destruct in ten seconds. Thank you, Apple Computer Co." I made this the startup screen for a computer in my high school's computer lab. The next day an "out of order" sign was taped to the monitor. The lab attendants usually wrote the reason on the bottom edge of the paper, so I leaned in to read what had been written there. It said, "Will self-destruct." ======= A call came in and the customer said that his computer was acting funny. The customer said that he shouldn't be having these problems, because the computer was reading that it was "Ok." The tech pondered a moment, and came to the realization that the display actually was "zero K" -- the customer's disk was full. ======= Back in the 1980s, my university had sponsered a "computer show" for various vendors including IBM and Radio Shack. IBM had just announced the IBM PC, complete with dual low density floppy disks and standard 64K RAM, expandable to 640K. A very pretty blonde woman was operating the booth and was eager to answer my every question. * Me: "How much memory does it come with?" * Her: "Ummm, 64K." * Me: "How much is an additional 64K memory?" * Her: "Extra memory is free." * Me: "Say what???" * Her: "Extra memory is free." * Me: "Is this the IBM booth?" * Her: "I know it sounds funny. Here, let me show you." She showed me a line in a manual: "After booting, BASIC will print '64k free'." ======= I helped a customer with a UNIX command that wasn't working once. He was entering the full path to an executable on the command line but typed an extra slash in the middle. I told him to retype the command without the extra slash. * Customer: "That solved it. Thanks. What was the bug? Can you tell me?" ======= A tech once calmed a man who was enraged because his computer "had told him he was bad and an invalid." The tech patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. ======= A customer needed help setting up an application. The tech referred him to the local Egghead. * Customer: "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends." When told that Egghead was a software store, the man replied, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." ======= I am a tech for HP Calc support and I got a call last week from a lady who wanted to send in her husband's calculator to be "overhauled." When I asked her what was wrong with it she replied, "Oh, nothing, it works fine; he just wanted to get it looked at and have some upkeep maintenance done on it." I guess she wanted the 10,000 calculation tune-up. ======= About six years ago I was starting to get into 4th Dimension (on the Macintosh) and was setting up a multi-user database for a client. I got everything setup as a single user system for the customer because they didn't want to allocate resources to the database until debugging was through, etc. So, all was fine and dandy as a single user system. The customer called me back three days later and was very frustrated trying to get multi-user working. Everything seemed ok in his setup, but he couldn't use both "machines" at once because the other user kept "messing up the screen." Turns out that he just plugged two keyboards into the same Macintosh and thought that meant multi-user. ======= There was a fellow who set his type color to black, just after setting the background color to black. Took him a couple days of blind typing to get things back again. ======= I just had a call from a woman who read to me everything in the "About Box" for Microsoft Works for the Macintosh. Her frustration was that every time she tried to click on the user's name in the about box it disappeared! "How do I get rid of this woman's name," she asked? "Well," I explained, "that's the name of the author of the program; you can't get rid of it." "What?! You mean every time I startup Works I'm gonna have to look at my husband's ex-wife's name?" ======= * Customer: "Can you make a house call today?" * Tech Support: "Well sir, what seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "Well, two windows aren't working properly, and one is just plain broken." * Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?" * Customer: "Version?!? I have a 1984 Honda Accord." ======= * Tech Support: "Do you get an error message?" * Customer: "I don't get an error message. When I try to log back on, an error message comes up saying that my account is already logged on." ======= * Customer: "The computer says something to the effect that I can't write to a certain directory." * Tech Support: "What were you trying to do?" * Customer: "The computer asked me to 'Enter new directory or none to cancel' so I type 'none'." * Tech Support: (trying not to laugh out loud) "Just don't type anything, and press the 'enter' key." * Customer: "Oh, ok, it works now." ======= * Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?" * Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." * Tech Support: "Well?" * Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" ======= I heard this old story from someone who worked for a French company. They had a problem with a program on punched cards written for them by a US subsidiary. The programs never worked when loaded in France but the US systems house swore blind that they did at their end. Eventually, in exasperation, someone followed the working set of cards from the US to France. At French customs, he observed a customs official remove a few cards at random from the deck. Apparently, the French customs are entitled to remove a sample from any bulk item (such as grain), so a few cards from a large consignment shouldn't matter, should it? ======= A customer called a desktop publishing outfit and wanted a poster made from a color slide. It was a picture of the caller's recently deceased father with a couple of his fishing buddies in a boat. The caller mentioned there was a slight problem -- in the picture her father was facing away from the camera. She wanted the photo expert to flip the negative so you could see his face. When it was explained that this would only provide a mirror image of the back of his head she became irate and screamed into the phone, "If you can take the pimples off those glamour girls why can't you put a face on my father!" ======= A few months ago a lady started to call our tech support department over and over again. She couldn't get a DXF file to import into our 3D program. After exhausting the tech support pool, I was asked to see if I could help this lady. I promptly asked her to send me the file that she wanted to bring into our 3D program. After receiving the file I look at it and found that it was a 2D DXF file. I called this woman to inform her that she could not import a 2D file. She responded by screaming that she wanted her money back if our program couldn't automatically make a 3D object out of her 2D CAD drawings. ======= * Tech Support: "Good morning, how can I help?" * Customer: "Where can I get a pair of 3D glasses?" * Tech Support: "I'm sorry, why do you need 3D glasses?" * Customer: "To play this game I've just bought." * Tech Support: "What game is it?" * Customer: "'Turok Dinosaur Hunter'." * Tech Support: "You don't need 3D glasses to play that game." * Customer: "But it says, 'Requires 3D accelerator.' Isn't that the same as 3D glasses?" ======= We received a fax from a customer last year. It was a tech support question about our accounting software package: * Customer: "Sales orders are entered into our system, but no one is entering them. Could this be caused by static electricity from a broken monitor?" ======= * Tech Support: "What is your computer doing now?" * Customer: "Checking for unnecessary disk space." ======= I had what sounded like a 90 year old lady call me once: * Customer: "I have the (name of talking dictionary cdrom), and the talking part does not work." * Tech Support: "Ok. Can you look up words? Do other parts of the program work properly?" * Customer: "No. It just doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Ok, why don't you take me step by step through the program when you try to use it." * Customer: "Ok, well first I click on the icon and the program comes up. Hang on a second. Tree. Tree. TREE! See, it doesn't work." * Tech Support: (pause for laughter) "Ok. Try this. I want you to click on the line at the top of the screen that says 'entry' and type in T-R-E-E." * Customer: "Ok." * Customer's Computer: "Tree." * Customer: "Oh! Is that what it is supposed to do?" ======= This customer was calling from a medical center. * Customer: "The computer is having trouble reading your upgrade." * Tech Support: "Try wiping the cdrom with a lint-free cloth." * Customer: "We don't have any lint-free cloths." * Tech Support: "In a hospital?" ======= One customer kept reporting a problem with her system beeping at her. This would happen (at times) without a user at the computer and at no specific times. The random timing, of course, made the troubleshooting difficult. Our decision was to create a problem report and have her call in when it was occurring or had occurred. One month later, she called back. It turned out that a pager had been dropped under the desk where the computer was situated. ======= I used to service bank teller workstations. One day we received a call that a workstation was beeping. I took a look and couldn't find anything wrong. I cleaned the keyboard, just in case it was a stuck key. The next day, she called back and complained that the computer was beeping again. This time I replaced the keyboard. But the problem didn't go away -- she called back the next day. I noticed that she called at the same time of day each day, so I asked if there was something she did every day that might made the computer beep. She said there wasn't and that the computer would beep for about 15 seconds and then stop. The next day I happened to be in the bank for an unrelated issue. At 3pm, the beepin started, and I went over to track it down. It seemed to be coming from the keyboard until I looked a little further in the desk drawer. There was a digital alarm clock in there. ======= One day I downloaded a game that my sister really liked to see. Unfortunately, due to the economic crisis here in Indonesia, bandwidth to outside the country is not much, and the download times are large. My sister was growing more and more impatient by the minute. * My Sister: "Come on, let's play it!" * Me: "It's still being downloaded. Just be patient." * My Sister: "It's a multitasked computer, right? So while it's downloading, let's play the game." ======= I am a software installer for a large healthcare information systems company that produces products for the AS/400. On a recent install, shortly after going live with the product, I needed to copy a new file to the live environment. In order to do this I needed to have all the users off the system. Rather than just shutting it down, I sent a message to all the terminals that read, "Please sign off by 17.15. If you do not sign off voluntarily, your job will be terminated. Thanks." I sent the message and about five minutes later, I received a call from the most irate ICU nurse I have ever talked to. She demanded to know who I was and who I worked for. I explained to her that I was employed by the hospital to install their new system. She basically ranted and raved for a couple of minutes and told me that my message was the most obnoxious and rude message she had ever read. She then hung up on me. I asked two of my colleagues to read the message and both of them thought I was quite polite. After all, I did say "please" and "thank you." I had the system down for about an hour and then brought it back up. I called the emergency room to make sure that the fix I had put in was working. The nurse informed me that it had but then asked me if she were going to be fired. "Excuse me", I said. She asked again, "Am I going to be fired?" I told her I didn't know what she was talking about and then she told me that she wasn't the only one worried. She then explained she had been on the system when it was taken down and she thought that meant losing her job! I couldn't believe it. I explained to her that the term "job" was a computer term meaning the program you were currently in. It suddenly dawned on me why the ICU nurse had been so rude and why, I found out later, the nursing supervisor and the head of Information Systems had been beeped! I send out a message over the system apologizing. The next morning, I ran into the CEO and CFO of the hospital who thought the whole thing was hilarious and took to calling me the Terminator. They told me that anyone that stupid deserved to be fired. ======= I took Fractint in to the computer lab at my high school ('286's, VGA, mongo HD's, brain dead supervisor), and this is the conversation I had: * Me: "Hi. I have a program I'd like you to install on the network drive. It draws fractals." * Her: "I can't put copywritten software on our computers." * Me: "Oh, it's public domain." * Her: "Can you prove that?" * Me: "Sure, the documentation is right here." * Her: "Where?" * Me: "On this disk." * Her: "I told you, I can't put copywritten software on our computers!" * Me: "I'm not putting software; I'm just putting a text file. See, I can't show you the program because it's packed--" * Her: "Look, if you can download a hard copy of the proof..." * Me: "Download a hard copy? HUH?" * Her: "Well, print it out!" * Me: "Look, there's a printer right here! I can just--" * Her: "NO COPYWRITTEN SOFTWARE!" * Me: "It's public domain! I got it straight from the authors over a network!" * Her: "Just because it's on a network doesn't mean it's public domain!" Rather than try to explain the concept of a moderated binaries group, I went through proper channels and brought in a hard copy (which, for all she knows, I typed myself) of the pertinent docs. * Me: "Ok, can I install it now?" * Her: "Well, we have to wait for our computer person to install it." It's been a week so far. ======= I once read a short story where the villain sent email to the goodguys, in which he gloats about his escape. He tells all about his evil plan and says that money must be deposited in his bank account by clicking on a "deposit-only" icon (which consisted of three ASCII symbols embedded in the email message). He then went on to say that the email message itself couldn't be used as evidence, because it was self-destructed by an "auto delete" feature "triggered simply by accessing these last two paragraphs." Obviously, this novice writer hadn't done his homework. ======= Once I helped a user whose folders were all named "New Folder." There was a "New Folder" and a "New Folder (2)" and so on up to "New Folder (35)." He opened up one of them, and there were more "New Folders." And inside those were more. He had a series of handwritten sheets that indexed each of his files for him. He'd look up a file he wanted to find, and it would say, for example, "New Folder (22) - New Folder (5) - New Folder (8)." I mentioned that he could rename the folders to reflect what data they contained. The user thanked me but assured me that the system he was currently using worked quite well. ======= I live in Italy. I'm sort of knowledgeable with computers, so friends and relations often come to me when they have a problem. One day, my brother-in-law told me his brother's laptop wouldn't work anymore and asked if I can help. He drove over one day and came into my office with the laptop. He told me the machine hadn't been able to boot for the last three days, though it worked perfectly before then. I switched it on, and it started going. Then it froze. I told him there's probably some corrupted driver, and the first thing to do is back up his documents. I booted from a floppy and checked his folders. When I looked into the Windows directory, I noticed a bunch of files named "A," "B," "C," "1," "2," and so on -- and a few Italian translations of original file names, like FINESTRE.EXE instead of WINDOWS.EXE. * Me: "Why on earth did you do this?" * Him: "Well, I was looking into the folders one day, and I saw that if you clicked on a filename you could rename it. So I did. Took me three days, too." ======= We got computers in our school in Finland around 1989-1990. They were old CGA/EGA PCs with no hard drives, and two DD floppy drives. I was 12 at the time and was trying to save a file I had created in Paintbrush. A younger student observed. Because my grasp of MS-DOS technology wasn't as good as it is now, I kept trying to write the filename in the "directory" box, and of course it kept failing. The other student saw this and suggested that maybe it needed an English filename instead of a Finnish one. ======= An executive secretary, who was a beginning computer user learning on a PC clone, got lazy about naming her files. Instead of using descriptive file names to name her files, she started her own system. She numbered the files (1, 2, 3, etc) and kept a notebook listing the file number and file description. This system worked well enough for her, getting her up to over file #5000. And it would have continued to work for her had disaster not struck -- she lost the notebook. Each and every file had to be opened and renamed. Luckily for her, she was an executive's secretary who had been there forever, so her job was safe. ======= * Customer: "It says 'Disk 1 of 1.' That means there's another one around here somewhere..." ======= A user once wrote in to demand that we (an ISP) switch servers from a SparcStation costing as much as a small house to a "superior" $5000 Win 95 machine, or he and all his friends would quit. His letter closed with the line, "Don't fight me on this. I never lose." He lost. ======= I work at a University's computer cluster. * Student: "I have a picture on my computer at home that I want to load into Wordperfect here, but it says that it's an unknown file format." * Tech Support: "It needs to be BMP, TIF or WordPerfect Graphic for WordPerfect to be able to use it." * Student: "Oh, ok, no problem, I'll bring in the BMP version." The next day the student came in with the JPEG file, renamed to have a .BMP extension. ======= I have a friend who isn't the smartest computer guy in the world. One day my computer was crashing due to a file in my Explorer directory. I asked my friend if he could find the file on his computer and send it over to me. He asked where it was, and I told him, and then he asked how to find it, and I told him to start up Explorer and right-click on it to send it via ICQ. After about ten minutes, I got an incoming file request: SHORTCUT TO EXPLORER - a two kilobyte file. I asked him why he sent this, and he replied, "Oh, I didn't feel like looking around for it. You can just find it yourself in my Explorer." ======= A quote from someone on an IRC chat room: * "I only keep the .BMPs because I heard .JPGs lose quality over time." ======= * Tech Support: "Which format are the images you send?" * Customer: "Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters." ======= Overheard at the office: * Person #1: "Ok, so I'm going to format this." * Person #2: "Yes, go on." * Person #1: "Sure?" * Person #2: "Sure." * Person #1: "Ok, let's type 'format c:', then 'enter'...ok.... Hey, is this the right computer?" ======= A columnist from an Italian newspaper needed some training on our story editing software. I went into his office and trained him to the very basic features of the system. * Him: "Now, I need to get the articles ready for tomorrow." * Me: "Ok, so you click here and here to open this window. Then you see all the article names in this box." * Him: "Yes, but how do I get them?" * Me: "You click on the name." * Him: "Ok, but I need the text into this!" * Me: "Well, now you write it using your keyboard. It's like your typewriter." * Him: "Ok, I know, but I want to see the text!" * Me: "You've got to enter it. That's what you're supposed to do and what you're paid for." * Him: "Ok, but can't we manage some trick to get the text already done?" * Me: "What?" * Him: "Yes, you're the technician. I think you can easily manage to get the news via the wire agency and write some software to select what I need and merge the text and have my files automatically done." Ah! He wants the computer to write the articles for him! * Me: "And why do you think it's possible?" * Him: "Oh, boy! All the power of this artificial superintelligence has to be useful for something better than having me to use this machine like my old typewriter!" Ok, he reads too much science fiction. How can I get rid of this moron? Idea! * Me: "Well, you're not supposed to know this, but I talked to your supervisor about that; we agreed that it costs too much -- and it's not covered by the government financial plans for the newspaper industry." * Him: "Ok! I think I will go the old way. We should be careful about costs." ======= I once had a computer science professor who couldn't understand how overhead projectors worked, despite her many years of teaching experience. One day she discovered that the focus knob made the viewing area on the screen bigger or smaller. Then she put a transparency on the thing, and I could scarcely contain myself when I witnessed her trying to adjust it. She'd look back at the screen and use the focus knob to focus it properly. Then, when it was, she'd turn back to the projector and crank the same knob in order to make the viewing area bigger -- naturally throwing it all out of focus. Then she'd turn back to the board, realize it was out of focus, then adjust the focus with the focus knob (aided by the students, who had started to offer verbal advice -- "a little more," "too far," "right there," and so on). Then, the focus fine-tuned, she'd turn back again and crank the focus knob a bunch of times to make the image bigger. She did this probably three times before she realized that making the image bigger also meant throwing it out of focus. I don't know why it didn't register that what she was doing didn't make an ounce of sense. ======= A co-worker once thought he was being electrocuted when his new beeper was set to vibrate, and he was fixing his reading lamp when it went off. This same person accidentally shot himself in the foot while he was being strangled by his rental car's automatic seatbelt. It was on his honeymoon -- he was returning the vehicle to the drop-off and was unloading his pistol en route. (A story in itself.) He was too far away from the ticket machine and couldn't back up because he had already driven over the spikes. He had his pistol in one hand, still loaded, and opened the door to get his ticket. The automatic seatbelt did its thing. It pushed him to the floor and somehow wrapped itself around his neck when he closed the door. It began to strangle him, and while he was trying to reach the emergency release, the gun went off, putting a hole in his shoe, his foot, and the floor board. ======= I write HTML. My supervisor asked me to modify an imagemap so that a formerly inactive link could become active. Studying the positions of the links above and below it in the image, I added a rectangle area to the imagemap. She was greatly impressed and asked how I knew which numbers to enter. * Me: "Oh, they're the coordinates of the pixels." * My Supervisor: "Coordinates? What do you mean?" * Me: "You know. Like in geometry, when you say something is at 5,4. Or like in Battleship, except with two numbers instead of a number and a letter." * My Supervisor: "I don't know what you mean." Twenty minutes later, I was still explaining the basics of Cartesian geometry. ======= Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing. I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over here." ======= Submitted from a completely different reader is this reversal of the above anecdote: A Sun server in a tall rack-mount cabinet was installed in an early 19th-century building in the only available place: the corner of a conference room. A distinguished faculty member was ushered into the conference room one day, where he would grade some tests, read some applications, or something of that sort. After a while the server crashed. When the techies went into the conference room, Professor X explained, "It got cold in here, so I turned off the air conditioner." ======= One morning at a former workplace at which I did PC support, the Lotus Notes server went down because of a hardware problem -- the fourth in three months or so from failed hard disks. Later that day, after the newest dead drive had been replaced and the server brought back up, the network administrator told me about a discussion he had with the IT manager. The IT manager had asked if we could "schedule server failures for more convenient times in the future." He was dead serious. ======= I got a call from an angry customer who complained that we had sold him a dead computer because his computer wouldn't start up. Come to find out, he had been trying to start it with the keyboard lock keys...like a car. ======= * Customer: "I got that there version 3.1 of your program and it don't run on my Macintosh 7500." * Tech Support: "Yes sir. That is correct. 3.1 is not compatible with the PCI Power PC Macs. You need version 5.0 or later." * Customer: "Yep -- I got me one of them version 5's too! It runs fine! Right quick too!" * Tech Support: "Well sir, you have the upgrade, so what's the problem?" * Customer: "Well, I just want to know when you're gonna make the 3.1 version run on Power PCs, 'cuz we've been using the 3.1 version years more than the 5.0, and we like it just fine." ======= I once worked at a local newspaper, typesetting ads for them. Training was non-existent, so I could almost forgive the sales reps for their stupidity. They worked in outlying offices in other towns, with all the offices in ISDN contact with ours. We frequently had to print out proofs of ads to their office printers for approval. Almost as frequently, we had to phone them up to ask them to put paper in their printers. I couldn't forgive the IT manager for his stupidity, although some of my workmates made money from it, by selling the working 17" monitors and 2 gigabyte hard drives that he threw in the dumpster. He would regularly come out with pronouncements like, "You have to all delete your wallpaper -- it's making the server crash," or, "We can't let you have internal email -- you'd clog up the ISDN lines." His most concentrated act of idiocy (other than removing Quark XPress from all our Macs and replacing it with a non-industry-standard, ten year out-of-date piece of "graphic design" software) was asking the Studio staff to delete the contents of their hard drives (1 to 2 gigabytes each for five staff members), because the company couldn't afford more hard drive space. He thought it was cheaper to ask the entire creative team to delete about one year's worth of work each than to buy more drive space. After all, they could always redo that work if they needed to, couldn't they? Back to those sales reps. I'm not saying they were all brainless bimbos, but one of their managers came in on a Saturday when only three of us were working there and the building was all locked up. She stood outside for about ten minutes, and eventually phoned us on her mobile asking why we didn't answer the door. It turned out that she hadn't been pressing the door buzzer -- she'd been pressing the light switch. She didn't seem to notice that the porch light above her head went on and off whenever she "rang the doorbell." ======= From one of my smarter clients: * Customer: "Why is something broken every time you're here?" Overheard in a classroom just prior to an animal science class at the University of New Hampshire: * Student #1: "Yeah, she told me all about the -- what is it? -- Internet. Except you need this...thing...for your computer...to connect to it...what's it called?...oh yeah, a modem." * Student #2: "Ooooooo, aren't we special? We know the technical term!" ======= Seeing the light, at last: * Customer: "Oh!! You mean I need a modem and a computer to get on the Internet!?" ======= * Customer: "Do I put the CD in my modem?" ======= * Customer: "Do you really need a modem to connect to the Internet?" * Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, you do." * Customer: "Do you really, really need one?" * Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, I am afraid that you do." * Customer: "WELL, THAT'S DUMB!!!!" [click] ======= I used to work for a PC retailer in the UK. One day an old gentleman came in with an external modem he had bought from us. * Him: "This modem doesn't work." * Me: "What's the problem?" * Him: "I can't get on the Internet with it." * Me: "Ok. Did you plug it into the right port on your PC?" * Him: (blankly) "I don't have a PC, son." * Me: "Er, ok, what are you doing with the modem, then?" * Him: "Well, I've plugged it into the mains, plugged my phone line in, and put it on top of my TV, and nothing's happening." I was about to tell him that he needed a PC to be able to get on the net when I saw my manager behind him. He was flapping his arms and mouthing at me to just give him a refund and get him out. It made my day. ======= I recall a conversation that my mother and I had about five years ago. I had been begging and pleading with my mom to let me sign up with an ISP for Internet access, but the answer was always no. Eventually, after months of whining, she agreed. I was thrilled and I told her I would go price modems that day. "Hold on," she said. "What are you talking about modems?" I explained to her that in order to connect our computer to the phone line, we would need a modem. "Forget that," my mother bellowed. "We'll get the Internet now, but the modem can wait until next year." ======= Many years ago my family got its first computer. It wasn't long before we wanted to get on the Internet and enjoy the wonders of email and the web. My two younger sisters, and I begged Mom to let us get hooked up. We discussed it a couple of times, and she asked us a bunch of questions. After a while we had finally convinced her. Her last question was, "So, should we get America Online or a modem?" ======= * Tech Support: "Are you on dial-up?" * Customer: "No, it's a touch phone." ======= A few years ago, there was an ISP that had a kiosk set up in our local mall. One woman bought a modem from it, then returned the next day, saying that it was "eating" her hard drive. She believed that the noises coming from the modem were actually coming from the hard drive and that the hard drive was getting all scratched up. ======= I have a friend who, one time, said that he "overclocks" his cable modem. How does he accomplish this bizarre task? He goes into Napster and sets his connection type to "T3." This, he says, makes his cable modem run as fast as a T3, but it gets "quite warm." ======= I'm a Senior Tier 2 DSL tech for an ISP. External DSL "modems" (not really a modem, but actually a router) have lights which can often help diagnose specific situations. When a Speed Stream 5260 modem has a hardware failure, all four lights on it go red, and the only recourse is to replace it. One day, I got a call from a customer who wanted to know if his DSL modem was cool enough to use. (Well, the 5260 IS kind of cute, so I thought it was a cool one to use.) I asked for clarification from the customer and was told that all four lights had gone red and that the modem had become too hot to touch. Obviously a major hardware failure had occurred, and there was a risk of fire, there, too. He said he called in previously to tier 1 support and was told to put the modem in the refrigerator to cool down. I thought, "No, no tech would be stupid enough to tell him that!" But sure enough, the account notes I pulled up read, "Told customer to cool off modem in refrigerator and try it later." That tech is no longer with us -- big surprise -- but I've wondered how in the world he got hired in the first place. ======= One day, a tech sitting near me received a call from a feeble old gentleman with a southern drawl. * Customer: "I'm having trouble receiving my email." * Tech Support: "What email client are you using?" * Customer: "Email client?" * Tech Support: "Yes, the program that you use to get your email." * Customer: "Program?" * Tech Support: "Yes, program...what operating system are you on?" * Customer: "Operating system?" * Tech Support: "Yes, operating system...do you see a start button in the bottom left hand corner?" * Customer: "Bottom left hand corner of what?" * Tech Support: (agitated) "Of the SCREEN." * Customer: "What screen?" * Tech Support: (about to die) "The screen, the monitor, the thing in front of you that looks like a TV." * Customer: "Oh, I don't have one of those." * Tech Support: (recomposing himself) "What kind of computer do you have, sir?" * Customer: "Computer? I don't have one of them things." * Tech Support: "What DO you have?" * Customer: (proudly) "A modem." * Tech Support: "Sir. You need a computer to send and receive email. A modem won't work by itself." * Customer: "Well, dammit...I have a modem, and the guy at Best Buy said this was all I'd need to get online! I want to cancel my account! I'm not spending no damn two thousand dollars on a computer!" ======= * Customer: "I want to lodge a formal complaint about this modem you people sold me." * Tech Support: "I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with your new modem. What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "One of your reps, who claimed he was technical, sold me this modem and a cable and even convinced me to buy some antivirus stuff and told me that that's all I need to get onto the Internet." Thinking that perhaps the rep may have sold a DB9 cable when the customer had a DB25 Comm port, I innocently asked, "Well, what model computer do you have?" * Customer: (extremely irritated sigh) "That's the problem! He never told me I needed a computer!" ======= A young lady came in, dropped a PCMCIA modem cable on the counter, and said, "I need a new modem. This one is broke." ======= A customer rang up reporting that his modem had been recently connecting at really slow speeds and occasionally dropped connections. I asked him how long the problem had been happening, and he replied, "Just after I put the new phone in upstairs." It turned out there were six phones (three upstairs and three downstairs, two of which were cordless), two faxes, and a burglar alarm (that alerts the police online) all on one phone line. Even worse, the user had all of these connected into two sockets via a network of extension cables and double adapters. The modem, for example, was connected to an extension cord on a reel and then through a surge protector. The extension cord was fifty feet long, of which only five feet were used -- the rest was still wound on the reel. I was surprised that he was even able to connect at all. Needless to say, once the number of phones was reduced to two, his modem started connecting reliably again. ======= I was having a conversation with a friend of mine when someone overhearing us butted in: * Me: "I have an old 2400 modem somewhere." * Him: "They only go up to 56.6, stupid." * Me: "No, I mean 2400 baud." * Him: "Yeah I know, and they never made anything higher than 56.6 baud." * Me: "You are referring to a 56.6 thousand baud modem I would think." * Him: "Get real." ======= * Tech Support: "How fast does your modem go?" * Customer: "It's not moving, it's just sitting there." ======= * "My modem needs a new hard drive." ======= The other night I was explaining to this woman what a modem was and why she needed it. She said "OOOHHH! I get it! You're talking about that brand new 17 color modem, right?!?!" ======= * Customer: "I have a long distance modem." ======= * Tech Support: "What type of modem do you have?" * Customer: "I don't know, but they came over and installed this cell phone in my computer." ======= Overheard in a computer store: * Customer: "I'm looking for an error packing and data correcting modem." ======= My friend wanted to have a modem for his computer, so he asked if he could copy mine. ======= Friday, a gentleman called and complained about not being able to connect to the system. His modem was dialing but it would not make the connection, stopping before it prompted him for his username. He said, "I don't see why I'm not getting connected. The modem is getting a good strong signal -- it's loud." I tried to explain that the sound of the modem connecting and the volume didn't really have that much to do with the connection. He insisted that he should be getting connected since he was getting "a good strong connection." ======= Checking on a customer's connection problem, I discovered that the modem was listed five times in the system's driver list. I wondered about this, and then the customer said, "Well, maybe I do have five modems in my laptop!" ======= * Customer: "My modem can't see my Windows!" ======= * Customer: "Why can't I call more than one BBS with one modem at a time? This IS a MULTITASKING system, isn't it??" ======= A lady said that her computer was dialing last night but in the morning she couldn't get in. I asked her if she had an external or internal modem. She said that she had an external modem. I told her to turn her modem off and then back on. * Customer: "Ok...the screen is black now." * Tech Support: "You turned off your modem, or your computer?" * Customer: "My modem." * Tech Support: "How big is your modem?" * Customer: "Well, it's about two feet high and about a foot wide." I explained that it wasn't her modem, it was her computer and her modem was inside of the big box. ======= I went to a library to access the Internet on their brand new computers. Usually I can just sit down and click on Netscape Navigator, but that day the monitor was blank. I tried the monitor's power button several times. I looked all over for the computer, but I couldn't find it. So I asked the librarian to help me. He pointed out the tower case hidden in a cubbyhole and said, "There's your problem. The modem's not turned on." He flipped the power switch, and the computer hummed to life. "That's the modem," he informed me. "It won't work without the modem." ======= * Friend: "Isn't that on the modem?" * Me: "No...the modem is the thing that makes noise when you get on the Internet." * Friend: "Yeah, I know what the modem is, I thought the printer was hooked up to it. Haha." * Me: "No, the only thing the modem connects to is the phone line." * Friend: "My game pad connects to the modem too." * Me: "No, it doesn't." * Friend: "Yeah, it does." * Me: "Trust me -- it doesn't. I don't care what kind of computer set up you have, it doesn't connect to the modem. The modem is for telephone communication only." * Friend: "It does too. I'm looking at it right now. I know what I see." * Me: "Game pads connect to a game port. Modems don't have game ports." * Friend: "I have a tower modem, and everything connects to it." I laugh hysterically. * Friend: "Well, then what does the modem connect to? It's not the computer." Chances are, she thought the monitor was the computer. ======= I work for an ISP. One day I had the following conversation with a customer: * Customer: "How dare you do this!!" * Tech Support: "Sorry sir, how dare we do what?" * Customer: "I paid you 2000 pounds for this machine." (As if we, the ISP, had sold him the thing.) "I'll be seeing you in court if you don't initialise this machine now!" * Tech Support: "Sorry sir? What exactly does it say?" * Customer: "'Cannot Initialise Modem'." ======= * Tech Support: "What brand is your modem?" The customer dutifully read the brand name off the modem's packaging: * Customer: "It's a Ziplock brand modem." ======= While on the phone to a customer regarding a problem with a LaserWriter, I finally managed to work out that she had the printer cable in the comm port instead of the printer port. I asked her to remove the cable from the comm port and place it in the printer port. Seconds later, the phone line went dead. ======= * Customer: "The modem keeps saying 'No Dial Tone.'" * Tech Support: "Is it plugged into a phone jack?" * Customer: "It has to be plugged into a phone jack?" * Tech Support: "Yes." * Customer: "Is there any other way to do it? I don't have a phone jack in that room." ======= I had one of my co-workers call me over because she was having problems getting her laptop to access the net. The laptop had a Xircom PCMCIA modem with one jack for the wall and a second jack for a phone. She had a phone line connecting the two. ======= A few years ago we were trying to install our first dial-up Internet connection. I went to school the morning after the modem was delivered, intending to come home that evening and get it working. During the day my father decided to try to install it, but, having used a computer approximately twice in his life, he ran into some trouble and rang the technical support line. The woman on the phone asked him to right-click on something to bring up another menu. He said he had right-clicked and nothing came up. She seemed fairly confused and asked him to do it again. He replied "I have -- I pushed the mouse all the way to the right, and clicked it." After a few more similar incidents, the technical support assistant asked, "Do you actually have a computer?" What really confuses me is that around 6pm I arrived home to find a working dial-up connection and my father telling me this story. How he got it working, I will never really know. ======= * Customer: "I'm getting 'No DNS Errors'." * Tech Support: "Is the modem dialing?" * Customer: "No. I could get in ok last night." * Tech Support: "Ok, well, what has happened since last time you could connect?" * Customer: "I had a clash between the modem and the mouse last night so I removed the modem. Do you think that has something to do with it?" ======= My sister called me once, complaining that her modem didn't work. When I looked at her computer, I discovered she had connected the modem to the phone line, but hadn't put the modem in the computer -- it was lying on top. ======= About four months ago we upgraded all of our modem banks to 56K x2. We spent a great deal of time switching all of our customers to the new system. One custom er (who had previously inquired about a job as a technician) decided that since we upgraded, he would do the same. So he called one day and explained that he had bought a brand new US Robotics 56K modem. He had it all hooked up and installed, but the modem didn't seem to be getting a dial tone. I asked him a bit about his new modem as well as his old one. He explained to me that his old modem was an internal, while his new modem was an external. So I walked him through checking his dialup networking to make sure it using his new modem and not the old one (figuring it was probably attempting to use the old modem which was not connected to the phone line). Everything appeared fine, so I asked him to make sure he had the phone line plugged in properly from the new external modem to the wall. "To the wall?" he replied. I, in turn, say, "Yes, the phone line needs to go from the external modem into the phone jack on the wall." He, seemingly somewhat surprised, replied, "Well, if I disconnect it from the back of the computer, how is my computer going to connect?" He had cleverly hooked his phone line from his new external modem directly into his old internal modem. Needless to say, we didn't hire him. ======= * Customer: "I'm thinking about getting a T1 modem, and I was wondering where I could purchase one and how much it would cost?" ======= I work for a major PC manufacturer. A very irate gentleman called me up one time and complained that he could not send faxes. I asked him if he had installed any fax programs, and he didn't understand the question. He had tried to put a document in the crack just behind the front bezel on the top of the computer and needed to figure out how to dial out to fax the document. I explained to him that he needed to install the fax software that came with the PC, and he became very upset and insisted that he had a fax modem which should send faxes. I told him that he was correct, but he first needed to install some software to send faxes first. He explained to me that the modem was a fax machine inside the computer and I didn't know what I was talking about when I said "install software." Yelling at this point, he threatened to send the PC back and told me he was going to buy a PC from a different company. ======= * Customer: [heavy southern accent] "My 'puter ain't connectin' to your alls'." * Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?" * Customer: "Hue-klin Pack-in." * Tech Support: "Pardon?" * Customer: "Huuueklinn Paackinnn...." Hewlett-Packard?? After some basic Windows navigating, it becomes apparent that the modem isn't plugged in correctly. * Tech Support: "Do you see a phone cord running between the computer and the wall jack?" * Customer: (hesitantly) "Yes-s-s-s." * Tech Support: "Where it plugs into the computer, what does it have written?" * Customer: "I don' know. It's in da back of da 'puter ya say?" * Tech Support: "Yes. You may have to turn the computer around to see it." * Customer: "I ain't ganna do that! There ain't nothin' wrong wi' my 'puter! There's somethin' on your all's side that's ----ed up." ======= * Customer: "It says NO CARRIER. Why does it say that? I know they put one in there." ======= * Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software ok, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?" ======= * Customer: "I get 'receive no carrier from modem'." * Tech Support: "Where is that music coming from? Sounds like I am on hold." * Customer: "From my phone line." * Tech Support: "There is your problem. You have line noise. You have a radio station coming through your phone line." * Customer: "Ok...I will try and log on when the station goes off the air." ======= * Customer: "I noticed a speed difference in the dial-up lines from 28.8 to 9600 bps. I was wondering if I was doing something wrong or if this was normal." ======= * Customer: "If I hook up 2 of these 9600 baud modems, will I get 19200?" ======= My mom and I had just gotten our computer back after having it fixed. It was hooked up, and I soon found out that I had no sound. When I connected on the Internet for the first time, however, the dial tone came through the speakers. It turned out the speakers were connected to the modem, not the sound card. ======= Overheard as my boss was talking to a co-worker: * Boss: "Yeah, I can't really get any higher than vee dot twenty-eight eight biz on my modem at home, and I'm lucky if I get vee dot nineteen point two biz." ======= * Customer: "I just got a 28.8 modem, but I'm not getting any better speed. There's something wrong on your end, and I want to know when you're gonna get it fixed." * Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?" * Customer: "I have a 386sx-16 with 4 megs of RAM, but the problem's not on my end. It's on yours. So when are you going to get it fixed?" ======= * Customer: "During that bad thunderstorm last night, lightning struck the telephone pole outside while I was online. Ever since then your modems haven't been working. When are you going to get 'em fixed?" ======= * Customer: "My modem was hit by lightning. Can you email me another one?" ======= Doing ISDN tech support I got a call from a frustrated customer who was having a problem with her modem. I suggested that she reset her modem (always the first step with this particular modem). I said she'd need a pen or a screwdriver to press the reset button on the back of the modem. Unfortunately, the customer had mistaken the modem with the computer and forced a screwdriver into the power supply unit. Now that's a serious reset. The customer was fine; the computer was not. ======= There was a woman who bought a modem for her Mac IIsi. She called and wanted to know how to use it to do virtual reality. ======= I was working at a company that manufactured internetworking hardware for minicomputers, providing in-house support for other employees of the company. One day, a user buzzed me on the intercom and asked, "Is the computer down?" Since I was reading and did not actually know the answer to her question, I sat up quickly and began typing on my terminal to see if the computer had crashed when I wasn't looking. It hadn't. I replied, "No, it's up." "Well, I can't log on," was the reply. When I got to the user's office, I checked the obvious things: the terminal was plugged in and turned on, the keyboard was plugged in and the lights showed "online." I reset the terminal -- no effect. I checked the terminal settings (baud rate, parity, etc), all correct. Finally, in desperation, I craned my neck around the back side of the terminal and noticed that there was one and only one cable running into the rear of the box -- the power cable. I asked the user where the other cable was (the serial connection to the mini) and was told, "Oh, it's over here. I moved my terminal this morning. Is this thing important?" ======= I found out my library had a dial-up modem card catalog. I asked for the phone number and the login information. She wrote down the information and gave it to me, including the modem settings to use: 8 data bits, no parody, and 1 thought bit. ======= * Tech Support: "All right, flip the power switch on the back of the modem. Are they lit up now?" * Customer: "No, still not on." * Tech Support: "Is the modem plugged in?" * Customer: "Uhh..." * Tech Support: "On the back of the modem, there are three cables. One goes to the terminal, one is the phone line, and the third is the power cord. Where does that third cable go?" * Customer: "That cable goes to the keyboard." * Tech Support: "No, I don't think it does. Try following the cable again." * Customer: "It really does go to the keyboard. In fact, the keyboard that y'all sent didn't fit into any of the holes in the modem, so I had to use the one from my own computer...but that fits in nicely." ======= * Tech Support: "Right, so Windows isn't detecting your modem at all?" * Customer: "No, I go through the add new hardware wizard, and it can't see anything new at all." * Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an internal or an external modem?" * Customer: "Internal." * Tech Support: "Can you run through how you installed the modem, please?" * Customer: "Well, I took it out of the box, switched off the computer, and put it in the slot, then turned the computer back on again." * Tech Support: "Hmmm. What brand of modem is it?" * Customer: "I don't know." * Tech Support: "What does it say on the box?" * Customer: "v.90 PCMCIA fastcard" * Tech Support: "Are you using a desktop PC?" * Customer: "Yea, it's a mid tower." * Tech Support: "Where exactly did you put the modem?" * Customer: "In the slot, you know, the one in the front." * Tech Support: "The same place you put floppy disks?" * Customer: "Yeah, that's the one." * Tech Support: "Ok, it sounds pretty bad. Please bring the modem back in for a full refund. Your computer isn't compatible with modems." I would have felt guilty letting someone like that on the net. ======= * Customer: "Hi. I can't get your damn service to work. I'm really upset about all of this. You're ripping me off, and I'm not going to let you get away with it." * Tech Support: "Well sir, what exactly is the problem you're experiencing connecting to our service?" * Customer: "Well I set everything up like you told me to, and I double clicked on the logon icon and nothing happened." * Tech Support: "Can you hear your modem dialing sir?" * Customer: "My what?" * Tech Support: "Your modem, sir. It's the device that lets your computer communicate with ours over your phone line. You must have one to access us." * Customer: "Well dammit, you didn't tell me I needed one of those. You damn people are always trying to screw people out of money some way or another, with all of these hidden costs." * Tech Support: "Sir, how exactly did you think your computer was going to connect to ours without utilizing a phone line, or some medium of communication?" * Customer: "Well, uhh, I guess I...uhh...." ======= One customer was having problems connecting and was getting incorrect password errors. I asked him his username (we often get calls from users of another ISP with a name similar to our own). Sure enough, he was a user. I checked his modem drivers and configuration but kept turning up empty. Finally I asked which socket at the back of the modem the cable was plugged into. * Customer: "Neither." * Tech Support: "Neither?" * Customer: "I didn't want to incur any overseas toll charges so I didn't hook the modem into the phone line. To get rid of those annoying 'No Dialtone' error messages, I looked through the manual and found the ATX3 command and decided to use that." * Tech Support: "Please click on the 'start' button." * Customer: "What 'start' button?" * Tech Support: "In the lower left hand corner there is a button that says 'start'." * Customer: "There is no button." * Tech Support: "You are using Windows NT?" * Customer: "Yes. The button is on the right hand side, and there is a little green light next to it. You want me to push that?" * Tech Support: "No sir, that's the power button. Is there a gray bar across the bottom of the screen with buttons on it?" * Customer: "There is no gray bar. It is white, and it opens, and there are buttons inside." * Tech Support: "No. Sir, on the TV part of the monitor is there a gray bar that you can point at with the mouse, using the cursor that is on the screen." * Customer: "There are some dials. There is one that has a picture of a sun on it, but I don't have any idea what those are for." ======= On one call that I got, the customer made the comment that a while back, everything was taking a long time to load onto the screen, so they decided to go out and purchase a new monitor, so that it would load onto the screen faster. ======= A new technician was sent into the field to install a new video card. About the time they began to wonder if something was wrong, the technician called in. "I have the monitor apart, I just can't figure out where to install the video card." ======= I had a very irate user call me: * Customer: "I need someone to fix this $&%^* computer. It keeps going off, and when I push the silver power button in the back to turn it on, it shocks the ^#@&%* out of me. It does this to me four or five times a day!" I told him I would come down and look at it. When I examined the terminal, I found that the fuse holder in the back had worked loose, and the cap had fallen off and gotten lost. The fuse would slowly slide out from the vibrations on the desk, and the terminal would shut down. The user would reach around the terminal and push on the bare fuse with his finger. You'd think one or two of those shocks would have been enough. ======= I received a call from a medical facility. They were trying to get a 286 with an amber screen working. They brought it in saying that the screen wasn't showing the prompt and several of the menu options. We turned on the machine and sure enough, some stuff was missing. My tech partner and I contemplated trying a different monitor, to see if the card was still good. Suddenly, on impulse, I reached back and turned the contrast knob up. Suddenly, there were the missing menu options and the prompt. We put "contrastual adjustment" on the bill. ======= In middle school, our class took a trip to one of the computer labs. In this lab, the computer monitors were connected to the cases, resting on top, but the monitor could still tilt up and down and swivel around. After seeing a few of us adjusting the monitors slightly, the teacher stopped the whole class and made an urgent announcement, insisting that none of us move the monitors because it would erase the hard drive. ======= Last week, I installed a computer for a co-worker. It was the very first computer she had ever used. She called me early the next morning and said her monitor was fuzzy looking and wanted to know if she needed to buy an antenna for it. I told her no, it was cable ready. ======= Here is a recent experience of mine. I was stupefied! Somewhere in Louisiana.... A woman customer was playing One-Armed Bandit on the computer, and on one pull of the crank, she almost got a 777, but the last 7 was up too high for her to win. So she got a large industrial magnet and tried to drag down the 7. I drove to her house, then I charged her $70.00 to tell her she ruined her new 19 inch monitor. ======= * Customer: "Does this monitor come with the latest version of the Internet?" ======= I work in the tech support of a large ISP. More than a few of our users are convinced that the monitor is a two-way device, and that I can see into their living rooms, dens, kitchens, or offices. So many times I've wanted to answer, "Of course, sir. And might I say, that's a beautiful dress you're wearing." ======= A woman walked up to me and asked why a system on display in our computer store wasn't working right. It turned out she was trying to play Solitaire by dragging her finger across the computer monitor. ======= We had one customer who wanted to buy a 15" video card. When told he probably meant the monitor, he inquired about the cost of upgrading his monitor with a 16 meg memory kit. ======= * Customer: "So what is it you're doing?" * Tech Support: "Upgrading your 15 inch to a 17 inch monitor." * Customer: "Great. Will this make my PC go faster?" ======= I work with second and third line support in a bank in Norway. We have about 600 users, but we have one that I actively try to avoid. The first time she called and said her monitor didn't work. I got up there, and it looked fine. I tried to explain that there was probably something wrong with the software, but she insisted it was the monitor, so I changed it just to make her shut up. The next day she called and said it happened again. The new monitor, she said, didn't work either. I went up to see. The monitor was fine; she had just exited Windows somehow and was at the MS-DOS prompt. Before I could explain this to her, she said: * Her: "Maybe it's the keyboard that's broken? Or the mouse? Or the printer? It could be the printer, right?" * Me: "No." A few weeks later I had to check how much memory the computers on that floor had. * Her: "What are you doing?" * Me: "I'm checking how much memory these computers have." * Her: "Oh. That's like the strength of the monitor, right?" * Me: "No." ======= For a while, my monitor at home had been acting up, and unbeknownst to me, my father had went and bought a reformatting disk which he believed would fix the monitor. One day, I got home and found that the monitor had given out, and he had put in his 'repair disk' to 'save' our hard drive. He fumbled through the program without any display, and the end result was the deletion of everything on the hard drive. ======= I went to replace an employee's monitor with a new 20" monitor. The employee asked me, "Is there Word in that?" ======= I'm the IT guy for a small company and recently bought new monitors for our secretaries. When I tried to take away the old monitors, one protested saying she had all their important files stored there. I tried to explain you can't save to the monitor, but she insisted. So I asked for her to show me. She turned on the computer and exclaimed, "See, there they all are," pointing to all the shortcuts on the desktop. ======= I have a user at work that thinks she knows it all and often brags about how she handled million dollar accounts for her previous boss. She wanted to switch her 15" monitor with the 17" monitor that belonged to another workstation. So I switched the monitors. Then she asked when I would move all her settings and documents back to her computer, because she didn't want anyone else seeing them. I pointed to her computer tower and explained that information was stored there, not in the monitor. "Well how would I know this?" she replied. She's only been using computers for years now. Sigh. ======= A customer called for service because her monitor was "dark." After establishing that the power was connected and the monitor on I told her I thought her monitor's power supply had gone bad and suggested a replacement monitor. She was adamantly opposed. When I asked her why, she told me she did not want to lose all the work she had done. I tried to explain that her work was saved on her hard drive. Her reply was that she KNEW her work was stored in the monitor because she had SEEN it there. ======= When my son turned on his new computer for the first time, the following message box appeared: * "Press and release the monitor power button if it is not on or blinking already." ======= * Tech Support: "What's on the screen?" * Customer: "The what?" * Tech Support: "The monitor -- what's on the monitor?" * Customer: "Hold on......what?" * Tech Support: "What's on the screen right in front of you?" * Customer: "Hold on...I'll call you back." (click) ======= * Customer: "My monitor is wavy." * Tech Support: "Your monitor is wavy. Hmmm. Is it on?" * Customer: "Huh...urm...uhh. Nope." * Tech Support: "What are you on?" * Customer: "Hehehe...ohh yeah...thanks." (click) ======= Received at our help desk: The computer won't boot. User replaced the monitor, plugged it in, and the computer still won't boot. Need assistance ASAP. ======= A user called to ask us if we had any nuclear radiation shielding screens in stock. (All he wanted was an anti-glare screen for his monitor.) ======= * Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" * Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store." The proper response to this, of course, is: * "For heaven's sakes!! Get that thing off there!!!!" ======= The Assistant Manager over engineering called to say that her PC had suddenly started acting up, the words she was typing were bouncing all over the place. Fellow tech went to check on her PC and discovered that she'd moved her electric fan from her desk to the top of her monitor. ======= I ran the computer department for a collection company and one day a user walked up to me and told me she had received a payment in that day, but her screen wasn't flashing to notify her (the right corner of the screen normally would reverse color and flash 'Payment Received'). Then she went on to tell me that she was pretty sure the bulb was just burned out and needed to be replaced. ======= One time, several employees complained about having green lettering when they wanted amber. One employee got mad at me because I "wouldn't" change the screen color -- because, after all, all I had to do was put in an "orange fuse." ======= I work in an office supply store that sells computers and computer components. One day, one woman came into the store and told me her monitor wasn't working. * Customer: "I can't see color." * Store Worker: "Did you check the connection from the monitor to the computer?" * Customer: "Yeah. Maybe I just need a new ink cartridge." * Store Worker: "Uh...what do you mean?" * Customer: "Maybe my monitor's out of ink." * Store Worker: "... No." * Customer: "Oh. Well, maybe my printer has something to do with it. It's a Lexmark." ======= Seven years ago, I spent six months teaching my then 78-year-old mother how to use my computer. When I finally bought her a computer of her own, she was very excited. A week later, I checked to see how she was getting along with it. I found her at her desk, turning the monitor off every time she looked away, then back on when she wanted to glance at the screen again. * Me: "Why don't you just leave the monitor on?" * Her: "If I leave the monitor on, it'll use up all the ink in my printer!" ======= I receive a call from a normally quite sane client in a company I worked for. * Customer: "I think my monitor is broke or about to quit on me." * Me: "Can you see anything on the monitor now?" * Customer: "Yes, but it has lines running up and down it, and it is driving me nuts." I went right up to see. But when I walked in, the monitor looked perfectly normal to me. * Me: "It seems to be working fine right now. Were you running any programs when this was happening?" * Customer: "What do you mean? You can't see the lines?" I craned my head around so I could view the monitor from the same angle he was. Still nothing. It was working perfectly fine. * Me: "I don't see any lines. The monitor is working how it is supposed to." * Customer: "I am telling you, there are lines running up and down the screen." At this point he started to scare me. I could not convince him that there were no lines running up and down the screen. I was wondering if he was hearing voices, too. I don't remember how, but somehow we got into what he had done today. He had gone to the eye doctor that morning, and they dilated his eyes. Apparently, when you get your eyes dilated, you can literally see the screen refreshing itself. We both had a good laugh when we figured the problem out. ======= * Customer: "THIS MONITOR DOESN'T WORK." * Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "THIS MONITOR IS MISSING A PIN!!" This guy had a 14 inch monitor. As with most, the monitor cable's plug was missing a few unnecessary pins. I explained that this was normal and, in fact, a good thing. * Customer: "I PAID FOR A MONITOR WITH ALL THE PINS. I WANT THEM ALL!" I recently got an irate piece of e-mail from someone arguing that the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guaranteed his right to post off-topic messages in newsgroups. He was posting and mailing from Canada. ======= I'm a regular reader of rec.sport.fencing. What I hate is the people who post articles with the subject line, "Fencing." ======= Posted to rec.sport.fencing: I am wondering how to get on a fencing newsgroup. ======= Posted to a newsgroup: Everyone is talking about these 'newsreaders.' Can someone tell me what they are and where I can get one? ======= Posted in alt.games.tombraider: please do not send anymore messages to me. I beleve these were sent to me by mistake. I have had to delete over 3,000 messages. thank you ======= My list server is one of those that you subscribe to by sending a message to some mail bot with the word "subscribe" in the body. Occasionally (and I've been on other mailing lists that have seen this happen), a user will send a subscribe message, and whenever a message goes to the list, he/she/it will reply to it, saying, "STOP SPAMMING ME!!!! STOP SPAMMING ME!!! I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF YOUR MAIL!!! STOP SENDING ME MAIL!!! I'M GOING TO SUE YOU!!!! YOU BETTER STOP SENDING ME YOUR ****ING WORTHLESS MAIL!!!! WHO ARE ALL YOU ****ING PEOPLE AND WHERE DID YOU GET MY ****ING ADDRESS?!!?!?!?!?!?!!????!!?!?!" After letting the other subscribers flame him/her/it for a while, I unsubscribe it manually and do some Procmail magic to make sure it never subscribes again. It's even funnier to see this happen on Usenet. I saw this one message from a user who apparently thought that a "newsgroup" was some private entity that existed only on his own computer. I don't remember the exact text, but it included the line, "Quit sending to my newsgroup!" ======= Posted to a newsgroup: When I came to the NG, it showed that there were lots o unread mail. When I opened the group, it showed 4 items. Is it me? OR Is it AOL? Perhaps the entire internet, even. just curious! ======= Posted to craigslist: i am selling a acer laptop like new great condition we just reboted everything so its like new again ======= Posted in comp.sys.ibm.pc.misc, under the subject line "ultrasound and PC": I am getting the image of ultrasound on the PC through a TV Tuner card. Is there a soft ware or hardware with which I can convert the grey scales to coloured ones. ======= * Customer: "I have a problem with Usenet news." * Tech Support: "Um, sir, you shouldn't be calling me in the first place, send mail to support--" * Customer: "But this is very important, and maybe affecting a lot of subscribers! Please listen to me." * Tech Support: (well, he did say please) "Ok, what's the problem?" * Customer: "There's nothing interesting on Usenet. It's all mindless crap, and as one of the larger Internet providers, you must take liability for this!" I recently got an irate piece of e-mail from someone arguing that the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guaranteed his right to post off-topic messages in newsgroups. He was posting and mailing from Canada. ======= I'm a regular reader of rec.sport.fencing. What I hate is the people who post articles with the subject line, "Fencing." ======= Posted to rec.sport.fencing: I am wondering how to get on a fencing newsgroup. ======= Posted to a newsgroup: Everyone is talking about these 'newsreaders.' Can someone tell me what they are and where I can get one? ======= Posted in alt.games.tombraider: please do not send anymore messages to me. I beleve these were sent to me by mistake. I have had to delete over 3,000 messages. thank you ======= My list server is one of those that you subscribe to by sending a message to some mail bot with the word "subscribe" in the body. Occasionally (and I've been on other mailing lists that have seen this happen), a user will send a subscribe message, and whenever a message goes to the list, he/she/it will reply to it, saying, "STOP SPAMMING ME!!!! STOP SPAMMING ME!!! I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF YOUR MAIL!!! STOP SENDING ME MAIL!!! I'M GOING TO SUE YOU!!!! YOU BETTER STOP SENDING ME YOUR ****ING WORTHLESS MAIL!!!! WHO ARE ALL YOU ****ING PEOPLE AND WHERE DID YOU GET MY ****ING ADDRESS?!!?!?!?!?!?!!????!!?!?!" After letting the other subscribers flame him/her/it for a while, I unsubscribe it manually and do some Procmail magic to make sure it never subscribes again. It's even funnier to see this happen on Usenet. I saw this one message from a user who apparently thought that a "newsgroup" was some private entity that existed only on his own computer. I don't remember the exact text, but it included the line, "Quit sending to my newsgroup!" ======= Posted to a newsgroup: When I came to the NG, it showed that there were lots o unread mail. When I opened the group, it showed 4 items. Is it me? OR Is it AOL? Perhaps the entire internet, even. just curious! ======= Posted to craigslist: i am selling a acer laptop like new great condition we just reboted everything so its like new again ======= Posted in comp.sys.ibm.pc.misc, under the subject line "ultrasound and PC": I am getting the image of ultrasound on the PC through a TV Tuner card. Is there a soft ware or hardware with which I can convert the grey scales to coloured ones. ======= * Customer: "I have a problem with Usenet news." * Tech Support: "Um, sir, you shouldn't be calling me in the first place, send mail to support--" * Customer: "But this is very important, and maybe affecting a lot of subscribers! Please listen to me." * Tech Support: (well, he did say please) "Ok, what's the problem?" * Customer: "There's nothing interesting on Usenet. It's all mindless crap, and as one of the larger Internet providers, you must take liability for this!" * Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." * Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" * Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" ======= * Customer: "I clicked 'Remove Pending Deals' and now the pending deal is gone!" ======= * User: "I've just unplugged my monitor from the wall in order to clean it without getting shocked. How do I plug it back in?" I had about ten different responses flash through my mind, but as this guy was fairly high up on the food chain of management, I had to control myself. I said, "Align the pins with the hole, and push it into the socket." Satisfied, the user hung up. ======= * Customer: "Do I have to be online to backup online?" ======= * Customer: "How many pins does a sixteen-pin cable have?" ======= * Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." * Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." * Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." * Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." * Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." * Customer: "What?" * Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" * Customer: "No..." ======= * Customer: "I'm thinking about writing a book on the problems I'm having with S3 Video cards and Warp and..." (blah, blah, blah, etc.) * Tech Support: "What exactly is your problem?" * Customer: "I've downloaded the video drivers for the PS/VP's with the S3 chipset, and they won't work on my machine." * Tech Support: "Have you got a PS/VP sir?" * Customer: "Well...no." ======= There was a really angry user who called me, saying my company was @#$!# and its products were !@#$@, and I was @#$*! too. He said he bought our graphics card, and it didn't work, and what the @&$!# was I going to do about it before he sued my lying butt. After this I learned from him that he didn't actually have our product. ======= Email from a customer: I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty? ======= * Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" ======= A haughty caller to my Claris Works cue began haranguing me about the Claris Works she'd just bought. When her tirade abated enough for me to ask a few probing questions, she explained that the box promised a word processor, but there wasn't one inside. I asked her to insert the disk from the box into her computer. * Customer: "Computer? I don't have a computer!" * Me: "Ma'am, Claris Works requires a computer." From here, she became irate. She dragged in two levels of supervisors, several lawyers, later, and I was nearly placed on the sacrificial altar. For what it's worth, we never laughed and always maintained a professional demeanor. The customer is always right. ======= * Customer: "I would like to place an order." * Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site." * Customer: "Web site?" * Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order." * Customer: "Where is the computer?" * Tech Support: "..." ======= * User: "What program do you use to make a Word document?" ======= My neighbors asked me one day to check their computer, because it was no longer working properly. After realizing that the problem was caused by some corrupted or deleted system files, I reinstalled Windows, but I could not find their cable modem installation disk among their CDs. After I asked them for it, they gave me a weird look, so I put my question in simpler terms. "When you have bought this little box over here," I said, "they must have you given a shiny little round disk like this with it. I just need that shiny little round disk." They said they kept all their "computer stuff" in the other room in a cupboard, so they went to search for it. After a few minutes, the wife returned with a power cable. "This was the only thing we found," she explained, "but I hope it will be just as good." ======= Quote from a tech support forum: "but i'm getting like 2000 lines of mysql db errors... could it be caused by my non-workin mysqldb?" ======= Once I got called to the office of a co-worker (let's call him Joe User) to help him figure out his username (he knew his password). * Me: "Your username is 'Joe User'." * Him: "Unacceptable! How much am I supposed to remember? I can only remember a certain number of things." * Me: "Wouldn't one of those things be your name?" * Him: "I guess I'll have to write it down." He proceeded to write his own name on a sticky note and attach it to his monitor. ======= I'm in fifth grade, and I've recently started using LimeWire. My friend's cousin (who's in second grade) heard about it and wanted to use it, too. The next day, he told me it wasn't working. He proceeded to explain how he got a copper wire, dipped it in lime juice, and tried to attach it to his computer. I couldn't stop giggling the rest of the day. ======= I work for the help desk of the IT Department of a fairly large university. We had just completed a large roll out of VoIP phones and were expecting some calls from bewildered staff members wondering what these new fangled devices they now had on their desks were. We had one call from a lady, who seemed to be utterly confused by this new phone. When I answered the phone, the first thing said was, "Ok, how do I make calls using this new phone?" Well, the new phones have caller ID, so I knew she was making the call with her new phone. So I said, "Uh, how did you just call me?" She said, "Ohhhh, thanks!" and hung up. ======= The place I work for charges about $100/issue for tech support. * Tech Support: "So what can I do for you?" * Customer: "I'm trying to run Live Update with Norton, and it came up to a screen with a list of updates, and it says 'Next.' What do I do?" * Tech Support: "Did you hit 'Next'?" * Customer: "Oh, it's working now." * Tech Support: "Anything else I can do for you?" * Customer: "No, that's it, thanks." ======= * Tech Support: "Try restarting your computer." * Customer: "...Ummm, I don't think my computer can do that." ======= Our Hong Kong office had a computer that was infected with a virus. Supposedly they had run antivirus software several times and had been unable to clean it, even after updating their virus definitions. I was asked to diagnose and fix the computer immediately, because it wouldn't even turn on. * Me: "Sure thing. When do you want me to fly over?" * Him: "Can't you do it from there?" * Me: "Sure, just ship it to me." * Him: "No, I mean can't you just fix it here, from there?" * Me: "Uh...how exactly would you like me to do that?" * Him: "I don't know. You're the expert!" ======= I used to work in the computer help desk at a large university. A woman walked into the room and came up to where I was sitting: at a desk marked "COMPUTER HELP DESK" with computers on it, one of which I was using. "Excuse me," she asked. "Do you know anything about computers?" ======= A call to the technical support line for a cell phone company: * Customer: "The numbers on my caller ID are going blurry!" * Tech Support: "Sir, I think you might just need a new battery." * Customer: "Well, can you tell me how to change it?" * Tech Support: "Excuse me?" * Customer: "How am I supposed to change this battery?" * Tech Support: "Sir, all you need to do is replace the battery. It's not that hard." * Customer: "Can you send out a repairman to do it for me?" What? He had to be kidding. * Tech Support: "We normally don't send out repairmen to change batteries." * Customer: "What? I can't change this battery by myself!" After a few more minutes of angry yelling on his part that we would not be sending a repairman to go change the battery for him, he got on the phone with supervisor and demanded I be fired. Needless to say, I wasn't. ======= * Customer: "I have a message on my screen that says: 'Disk Full'. What can that be?" * Tech Support: "Maybe your disk is full." * Customer: "Hmmm. OK." ======= * Customer: "Hi, my manager's computer isn't working, and she asked me to call you." * Tech Support: "Ok, what's happening? Is there an error message?" * Customer: "Oh, I don't know. She just said it wasn't working. Can you fix it?" ======= * Customer: "I got DSL, but it's not working." * Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?" * Customer: "Ummm, I dont know. It's built into my laptop." * Tech Support: "Ok, did you receive the modem package we sent out?" * Customer: "Modem package??" * Tech Support: "Well, it looks like the modem was shipped to (address), Pennsylvania." * Customer: "I don't live in Pennsylvania. I live in New York." * Tech Support: "Huh. Do you know this Pennsylvania address?" * Customer: "Yes, that's my Mom's house." * Tech Support: "Ok, this DSL phone number you gave me -- is that your mother's number?" * Customer: "Yes, they told me in order for me to have DSL, I need to have your company's phone service. My mother has it, so I gave them her telephone number." ======= While in the cafeteria one day with some friends, I had a classmate stop by to ask me a computer question. * Her: "I'd like to save my work onto a floppy disk so I can take it with me." * Me: "Ok, after you are done typing your work, on the top you will see a blue bar. Below it is a gray bar with words on it. This is called the menu bar. On the menu bar, click the word 'File.' From there, you will see a gray box appear. On this gray box, click 'Save As'. On the top of the next gray box, click on the white box with 'Save In' next to it. From this next white box, click on '3 1/2 Floppy'." * Her: (writing all this down) "Ok, thanks, one more question." * Me: "Sure." * Her: "Does the floppy disk need to be in the computer when I save my work?" I went back to my lunch. ======= I'm a tech support engineer for a software company. I had a guy call up rather annoyed that the disks we'd sent him containing the latest version of our software didn't work. * Customer: "The install fails half way through. I tried several times, and it always fails at the same point." * Tech Support: "Did you see any kind of error message?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "What did the error message say?" * Customer: "It said, 'Please insert Disk 2.'" * Tech Support: "Have you got another disk there?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Is it labelled 'Disk 2'?" * Customer: "Yes, it is." * Tech Support: "Insert that disk into the drive, and click 'OK'." * Customer: "Wow, thanks! That's fixed it. It's installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, I need you to do a ctrl-alt-del." * Customer: "How do I do that?" * Tech Support: "Push and hold 'ctrl' and 'alt' at the same time, and then hit 'delete'." * Customer: "Where are those?" * Tech Support: (explains the location of the keys) * Customer: "Nothing happened." * Tech Support: "Try again." * Customer: "Still nothing." A minute or two later.... * Customer: "Should I turn my computer on? Would that help?" * Tech Support: "Yeah, it might." ======= I went to the post office to ship a package of software to a customer. Since the software was expensive, I decided to insure it. As the postal employee was filling out the insurance form, he asked me what I was shipping. * Me: "Software." * Him: "You mean, like, pajamas?" ======= Working at a large ISP I once got a call from a user who had a new iMac. He had just gotten an account and wanted to get setup. I asked him to run the Internet Setup Assistant, but there was no alias to be found in the Apple menu. That was odd, but, undeterred, I told him to go to Sherlock and try to find the file "Internet Setup Assistant." After it scanned the disk he said it did not find the file. Puzzled I asked him to just search for "Internet Setup." Again it scanned and did not find anything. I was starting to wonder what was going on with this brand new iMac when he asked me, "Would it help if I typed something in the search box?" ======= * Co-Worker: "This other guy came to me for help with his workstation, and I was wondering if you knew what was up." (describes symptoms) * Me: "Oh -- I've seen that before. Try typing in this command and see if that helps." Later.... * Co-Worker: "I typed in that command, and it didn't do any good." * Me: "Now, did you type this on YOUR machine or the machine of the person who was having the problem?" * Co-Worker: (pause) "Oh." ======= A user trying to install new software: * Customer: "I'm having a problem here. Do I put the serial number in the box that says 'serial number,' or do I put it in the box that says 'company'?" ======= I was teaching an email course to novice users -- some of them I was explaining how to enter contact information in the address book, so the program could "look it up" for them. Bad choice of words. * Student: "So it'll look up phone numbers for me?" * Me: "That's right." * Student: "Does it have to be on the right page?" * Me: "Uh, do you mean the right screen, or...?" * Student: "No, I know it has to be my own computer screen. But when I hold the phone book up to the screen for the computer to look up the number, does it have to be on the right page?" ======= I asked a user once for the Windows 98 CD that came with her computer. She handed me a copy of Office 97. I said, "No, I need the Windows 98 CD, the one with the operating system on it." "Can't you get it off of that?" she asked. ======= In high school, I was the production editor of the school newspaper. One of my jobs was to take all the articles written by the students and arrange them in the final format using a desktop publisher. Students were to save them in a specific directory on a network drive and write the filenames on a sheet. When one day I could not find an article on the sheet, I tracked down the author and asked where it was. He assured me he had saved it under that filename, and I should be able to find it. * Me: "Where did you save it?" * Him: "Right here on my disk." ======= * Tech Support: "Which version of VPN do you have?" * Customer: "4.2.23." * Tech Support: "That may be the problem. The latest version is 4.2.30." * Customer: "But I called the other day on my computer, and they had me download and install the latest version." * Tech Support: "Check the version number that you've got installed now." * Customer: "It's 4.2.23." * Tech Support: "Are you ON the system you updated with?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Then there's your problem. The system you're on now doesn't have the latest version." * Customer: "But I called in two days ago and got the latest version!" ======= * Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "When I change my font sizes, the letters change size." ======= Once I overheard the guy in the tech support cubicle next to mine patiently explain: * Tech Support: "No, sir...clicking on 'Remember Password' will NOT help you remember your password." ======= I do network administration and end user support. A particular clerical person was always having problems running Windows for Workgroups. The hard drive finally crashed, and when we got it back I convinced the boss to load her machine with DOS only. I created a batch file menu, tested it, and then compiled it into an exe file. When the person was at lunch I installed it on her machine. When she came back from lunch she called and said her computer didn't work. I asked her to read the screen to me. She said "Bad Command or File Name." So I went over to her desk. We started her machine and the file menu screen came up. It read: 1. Main Frame 2. Word Processing Press the number of your choice and hit [enter]. It looked right, so I told her to press either 1 or 2 depending on whether she wanted to go to the main frame or the word processing package. She pressed 4. And, of course, we got the error. When I asked her why she pressed 4, she said, "It says press the number of my choice! I choose 4!" ======= Isn't it amazing how people can forget even the simplest things when they're sitting in front of a computer? * Tech Support: "Ok, click on 'Start,' click on 'Programs,' and then click on 'MS-DOS Prompt.'" * Customer: "Right." * Tech Support: "Ok, you should now have a black screen." * Customer: "Uhm." (sound of hand covering mouthpiece) "Cheryl, is this screen black??" ======= * Customer: "I just uploaded a file, but now it says I need to turn it off." * Tech Support: "If you sent us a file, that's uploading. If you got a file from us, that's downloading. Did you get a file from us?" * Customer: "Sorry, yes." * Tech Support: "No problem; it's easy to mix them up. When did the computer tell you to shut down or restart?" * Customer: "After I installed it." * Tech Support: "The file?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Which file did you download?" * Customer: "[program]" * Tech Support: "That's normal. You just need to restart before you can use the program." * Customer: "I was afraid of that. I can't afford to do that, so how to get rid of it?" * Tech Support: "Why is restarting a problem? Are you running another program?" * Customer: "I have lots of programs on there, and I don't want to erase them all." * Tech Support: "Have you been saving your work?" * Customer: "Yes, but I don't have a printer, and if I shut down won't I have to start over?" * Tech Support: "No, if you saved your work, when you restart, everything on your computer will still be there." * Customer: "Are you sure? That's not what happens on my calculator." * Tech Support: "I'm sure. I restart all the time." * Customer: "Thank you! This is such a relief. I had this thing a couple weeks now, and it keeps wanting to turn off." * Tech Support: "You don't need to do a shutdown, just a restart. Do you need some help restarting?" * Customer: "No, I'll just try this button." He did, before I could explain a restart. I hope he really saved his work. ======= I used to work as a salesman in a computer shop. About five minutes before closing time a customer came in. He was quite a frequent visitor and usually also quite an annoying one. This time he wanted a parallel cable to go from the computer to the printer switchbox. He got it and left. About ten minutes after our closing time, the telephone rang. I picked it up, and sure enough, it was this customer, angry and insisting that I had sold him the wrong cable. I was convinced I hadn't, so I asked him what kind of connectors he needed. * Him: "Female 25-pin on one end, and Male 25-pin on the other." * Me: "Yeah, ok, and what do you have? Vice versa?" * Him: "Erm...hmm...that would be all." (click) ======= While visiting a network user's office to install a small program (we use Windows NT 4.0 here), he asked: * Him: "Can you answer a question?" * Me: "Sure." * Him: "See the recycle bin? Does someone come round and empty it?" ======= I'm a computer science student. I used to play MUDs quite a bit. A few years ago I was playing on a 386 somewhere in a lab -- through a telnet terminal session, in DOS. Two obvious business majors were standing behind me. * Business Major #1: "What the heck is he doing!?" * Business Major #2: "Well, it's not Internet, so that must be email, I suppose." ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?" * Customer: "How?" * Tech Support: "Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer." * Customer: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?" * Tech Support: "Um yes, that might be an idea." ======= One day I was leading a team of three people working on a new application. Input data for our application came on an old reel to reel tape. Our data center was in the basement, a bit of a walk. I handed the tape to one guy and asked him to take it down there and put it on drive 381. Upon his return we tried to access it but couldn't. I asked him to check it (perhaps the tape didn't load properly for some reason). He returned five minutes later, confirming that the tape was on 381. Still, it didn't work. Finally I went down there myself. I got to drive 381 and discovered the tape was lying ON TOP of the tape drive. ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" * Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" ======= A friend has a final examination in English theater. subject. She asked me to get something from the net that may help her. I was in a rush and didn't have time to print it for her, so I brought her a diskette. * Her: "Eh...it's on it, right ?" * Me: "Yep, all four files." * Her: "Eh...and now I put this diskette in a computer, right?" ======= * Me: "You type 'win' to start up Windows 95." * A Friend: (in awe) "How come you know all those commands by heart? Did you get a list of them somewhere?" ======= * Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?" * Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print." * Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--" * Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!" ======= * Customer: "Please help. I bought a 14400 fax/voice. There were some corks (jumpers) on it. I did some replacing and switching. My modem won't work. Can you tell me why?" ======= I am a technician for a school system using a Novell network. One day I had a user call and complain, "Every time I turn off my computer, I lose my network connection." ======= * Office Worker: "I deleted all the images in our database that were more than three days old. Now I can't get the pictures I scanned last week. Maybe the database has some problems?" ======= * Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?" * Customer: "A white one." ======= * Friend: "What's this calculator thing here?" * Me: "What do you mean?" * Friend: "Well, there's something called 'calculator' on the screen. What does it do?" * Me: "You know the calculator on your desk? It does that." * Friend: "Oh. I thought it was a program that acted like a calculator or something." ======= * Customer: "I'm just about ready to say give me my money back. You guys don't help me ever." * Tech Support: "What's wrong?" * Customer: "My son said you hooked him up last night, and all I needed to do is type in the address in my browser, and it would work." * Tech Support: "Are you connected when this happens, ma'am?" * Customer: "Yeeeessss." * Tech Support: "Ok. What did you do immediately after you typed in the address?" * Customer: "I waited, and then it disconnected me." * Tech Support: "Double click on your browser to open it." * Customer: "My what?" * Tech Support: "The program that allows you to surf the Internet." * Customer: "I'm washing dishes right now." * Tech Support: "Ok." * Customer: "How long would it take?" * Tech Support: "About ten minutes, if nothing else goes wrong." * Customer: "I've only got five." * Tech Support: "Tell you what, the next time you type in the address, push your 'enter' button and see what happens." * Customer: "Ok, but I swear if it doesn't get me to my page, you guys are quits." ======= While working in tech support, a user called me with a problem with their PC. I would ask her to look at something, and she'd set the phone down and walk across the room and then come back. Realizing it would take forever to troubleshoot the problem that way, I told her it would be easier if she could be on the phone and doing the commands at the same time. I asked if there was a phone closer to the machine. She said that there was, and I asked her to transfer me to that extension. She did. The phone rang and rang and rang, and there was no answer. I called her back and told her. She said, "Oh...you wanted me to answer it?" I think she thought I could fix her problem through a ringing telephone. ======= * Customer: "Hi. I was using Word, and my PC says it's lost its network connection." * Tech Support: "Ok, can you read me the error message?" * Customer: "Er...error message? Where's that?" * Tech Support: "It should be on your screen." * Customer: "Er..." * Tech Support: "Ok, can you just tell me what's on your screen?" * Customer: "Well, in the top-left corner, I've got a little blue 'W' on a blue bar. Next to that it says 'Microsoft Word - Document 1.' At the other end of the blue bar there are three buttons..." ======= Once I went out on a service call to fix a customer's PC. My assistant handled the call and brought the PC in for repairs. A day later, I got a call from the customer. He said the computer wasn't working. I asked for more details, and he said the monitor was dead, and there was no picture on the screen. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what was wrong, I called my assistant and asked what he did to the customer's computer. He said, "Nothing. I still have it right here." ======= The customer was using release 1 of Windows 95, and I was using Windows 98, so I had to ask her a question about what her Explorer window looked like. * Tech Support: "Up at the top it says File, Edit, and View. What does it say just to the right of View?" * Customer: "Edit." * Tech Support: "No, to the right of View." * Customer: "Edit." * Tech Support: "Ok, what's on the other side of View?" * Customer: "Oh, Tools." ======= * Tech Support: "Click your left mouse button." * Customer: "Which one is that?" * Tech Support: "Well, you know your left from your right, so click the button on your left." * Customer: "Oh." * Tech Support: "What happened?" * Customer: "Nothing." * Tech Support: "You did click the left mouse button?" * Customer: "I think so." * Tech Support: "The one on your left?" * Customer: "Which one was that again?" ======= I work in a computer store. One day, at 1pm, a customer walked up to the counter. All the lights were on, and the staff was behind the registers, and he asked, "Are you open?" ======= One day a customer walked into our computer store, gazed up at the shelves full of applications, and asked, "Do you have any software?" ======= * Customer: "What's the difference between the T42 and the T42 bundle, besides the bundle?" ======= * Customer: "How long is the 14 foot ethernet cable?" ======= Someone complained that her monitor was "all green." The problem, I guessed, was due to the monitor cable not being correctly connected, so that the red and blue pins weren't making contact. I talked her through the checking process, but she was adamant that the cable was correctly plugged in. Somewhat puzzled, I decided to visit her office. Sure enough, the cable wasn't correctly inserted. She'd forced it in and bent some pins. I pointed it out, and she said with some astonishment, "It wasn't like that a moment ago!" I fixed it, then asked what it had been like before. She said that the plug had been a different shape. I finally figured out what she meant. She had been checking the other end of the cable, where it plugs into the desktop chassis. I pointed this out to her. She said, quote, "Oh! I didn't know it had two ends!" ======= * Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?" * Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?" * Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?" * Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?" * Customer: "Which one is that?" * Tech Support: "Windows NT Server." * Customer: "Ok, thanks." ======= Giving instructions on how to use Microsoft Word 7: * Me: "Type in a few words, or a test sentence." * Secretary: (skeptically) "With what?" * Me: "The keyboard." * Secretary: "The what?!?" * Me: "Keyboard. The jobbie in front of you with the keys on it." * Secretary: "Oh. That." * Me: "Yeah, it works like a typewriter." * Secretary: "I don't understand. (types a few words) "Oh! Hey! It works just like my typewriter!" * Me: "Uh-huh..." ======= * Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC." * Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?" * Customer: "I can't open the box." * Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there." * Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...." ======= * Customer: "Do you buy used computers?" * Tech Support: "It depends on how the system is configured." * Customer: "Do I have to bring it in to sell it?" ======= * Customer: "Should I install this CD then, too?" * Tech Support: "Yes, sir." * Customer: "Can I do that while the computer is on?" ======= I run a chat room on the Internet. One evening, a user "kathryn" entered the room, and her chosen username appeared on the list of users present. One of the regular users greeted her. She said, "How do you know my name?" ======= Overheard at a school: * "The Mac Lab has mostly IBMs, right?" ======= My roommate didn't quite get her Mac. * Her: "What will happen if I unplug my keyboard?" * Me: "Why do you want to do that?" * Her: "I want to free up desk space. Oh never mind, then my mouse won't work." ======= I told one of our customers to send an email message to me so I could see if her mail was working. I told her that my address was mjq@[host]. She replied, "How do you spell 'mjq'?" ======= * Customer: "What's a colon?" * Tech Support: "It's the key next to the 'L' key on your keyboard." * Customer: "How do you spell 'L'?" ======= * Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." * Customer: "How do you spell that?" ======= * Customer: "How long is your 1000-foot bulk cable?" ======= * Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." * Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" ======= * Tech Support: "Click on the computer icon on the left side of the screen." * Customer: "Is that your left or my left?" ======= * Tech Support: "Hello, help desk." * Customer: "I've just installed PacerLink and it's not working." * Tech Support: "What does the screen say?" * Customer: "'PacerLink is acting as a VT220 terminal. Press Alt-D to dial, or Enter to continue.'" * Tech Support: "And what happens when you press Alt-D?" * Customer: "Oh...thank you." ======= * Customer: "It just comes up with a message and says, 'Click OK.' Now what?" ======= Once I was walking a gentleman through the steps to do something -- I don't even remember what -- and when we finished, a dialog box appeared. It offered to do what we wanted it to and had a single button -- the OK button. He sat there for a minute and then, frustrated, asked me what he had to do next. "Tell the computer 'OK,'" I said. He leaned forward and said in a loud but clear voice, "OK!" ======= * Tech Support: "Can I help you?" * Customer: "Let's get something straight right away. I'm a Mac tech, so I know what the hell I'm doing." * Tech Support: "Ok." This caller needed to reinstall fonts; we started the install, and a couple of minutes later... * Customer: "Uh...it's telling me I have to insert disk 2. What do I do?" * Tech Support: "Um...insert disk 2?" * Customer: "Ok." ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, now press the right arrow key." * Customer: "The bar is going down." * Tech Support: "Are you pressing the right arrow key?" * Customer: "Yes, and it's still going down." * Tech Support: "Are you sure you're pressing the right arrow key?" * Customer: "Yes, oh, that's the key with the arrow pointing right, isn't it?" * Tech Support: "Er, yes." * Customer: "Ok, another menu has come up." ======= Once a student had a problem printing. What was the matter? "It's not printing," he said. So I went to take a look. On the student's computer, a message was displayed: "The select light is off. Please press the 'select' button, and click OK to continue." Sure enough, pressing the select button and then OK worked. ======= * Customer: "I can't get into the database." I check the usual stuff, but it's all fine. * Tech Support: "Can you go and check if the server is working?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "What do you mean, 'no'?" * Customer: "No, I can't do that." * Tech Support: "Why not?" * Customer: "Well, it's not there." * Tech Support: "It's WHAT?" * Customer: "They took it away to be upgraded." ======= * Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble?" * Customer: "Well, my monitor is going out. Does that have anything to do with my hard drive?" ======= My best friend's family recently bought a new computer. They had all the hardware set up and the software ready to be installed when the stepdad picks up the Windows 95 box and says to his wife: * "How do they get the box into the computer?" I cracked up in his face and haven't been welcome there since. Apparently he thought that to install software you had to get the box in there somehow. ======= * Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'." * Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive -- go to A:\ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. * Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again." * Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'." * Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place -- it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?" * Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'." * Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?" * Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?" ======= I recently overheard this family conversation: * My Mother-In-Law: "The computer you have works, right?" * My Husband: "Yes, it's brand new, why?" * My Mother-In-Law: "Well I was wondering if I could put mine like that." * My Husband: "What do you mean?" * My Mother-In-Law: "Well the big box, it's on the wrong side." * My Husband: "What big box?" * My Mother-In-Law: (pointing to the CPU case) "That one." * My Husband: "I don't know what you mean." * My Mother-In-Law: "Well ours is on the right." * My Husband: "It doesn't matter which side it's on, as long as the cable reaches." * My Mother-In-Law: "Really?" * My Husband: "Really." * My Mother-In-Law: "So that means I can put the printer anywhere too?" * My Husband: (chuckling) "Yeah, Mom." ======= A customer trying to get 16 million colors on a new Windows 95 system phones for help. * Tech Support: "Sir, are you familiar with computers?" * Customer: "Of course! I am the main tech at ACER Africa!!" * Tech Support: "Ok. Have you loaded the display drivers for Windows 95?" * Customer: "Where is it?" * Tech Support: "It's on one of the black disks which you've received with your PC." * Customer: "Oh! I see it. There's three of them. On one is written OS/2, the other is Windows 3.11, and the last one has Windows 95 written on it. Which one do I use?" ======= At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. * Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network." * Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage." * Customer: "What is that?" * Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer." * Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ." ======= * Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer." * Customer: (THUMP! Pause.) "No, that didn't help." ======= One day, there were several brand new 386SX-16 machines with Microsoft Works and the like installed. The librarian wanted to know how to use all the neat stuff on it, so I showed her, spending a good fifteen minutes showing her how to use the word processor, spreadsheet, and other fun programs. All this time she stared and nodded, apparently soaking up all the information. Satisfied, I asked her if she had any questions. * Her: "How do you move that little arrow around the screen?" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, please click on 'Start' and move the mouse up to 'Settings'." * Customer: "Oh, you're asking too much of me now!" ======= * Customer: "My program doesn't work." * Tech Support: "What happens when you try to connect?" * Customer: "Nothing." * Tech Support: "Nothing at all?" * Customer: "It gives me an error message." * Tech Support: "What does the error message say?" * Customer: "I don't know." * Tech Support: "What is on your computer screen now?" * Customer: "The computer is upstairs." * Tech Support: "Do you have a phone in the same room as the computer?" * Customer: "No, I can't have the computer on while I'm on the phone with you." * Tech Support: "That's fine, we just need to check your settings a bit. Would you be able to plug a phone in upstairs and call us back?" * Customer: "I can't plug the phone in upstairs, the computer is plugged in upstairs." * Tech Support: "Well, all you will have to do is unplug the computer from the phone jack, plug the phone in, and call us back." * Customer: "What do you mean?" * Tech Support: "All you have to do is unplug the phone cord from the phone plug in the wall where the computer is plugged in and plug in the phone from downstairs into the wall." * Customer: "I'm not a computer person, don't talk technical with me." * Tech Support: "All you have to do is unplug the phone that we are talking on from the wall, carry it upstairs, and plug it into the wall there." * Customer: "I'm going to have to call you back. I'm pretty confused." * Tech Support: "Um, ok." ======= I'm the I.S. manager of a small manufacturing company. Recently, I had a user approach me to ask if she could open her own "things" on someone else's computer. * Tech Support: "Yes, just log in as yourself." * User: "How do I do that?" * Tech Support: "Just type the name you usually use where it says 'Name', and your usual password." * User: "Oh, ok. But how does the computer know it's me and not [the person who normally uses the machine]?" Two days later, I received a similar call from another employee. * Tech Support: "Yes, just log in as yourself." * User: "With my name, you mean?" * Tech Support: "Yes, that's right." * User: "So how does the computer know that I'm using it and not [the person who normally uses the machine]?" Shaking my head somewhat, I settled down to do some network maintenance, when lo and behold YET ANOTHER user rang. * User: "I need to access my files whilst I cover reception. Can I do that?" * Tech Support: "Yes, if you get [receptionist] to log off and just log on as yourself." * User: "But won't I get [receptionist's] stuff?" * Tech Support: "No, if you log on with your name, you'll get your own things." * User: "Oh, ok. How does it know whose things to display?" This question and answer has now been submitted to the company newsletter. ======= So there I was, working at the help desk of a medical facility, when I received a phone call from a doctor who had forgotten his password to log into a workstation. I reset the password to 54321 and told him that's what I had done. I was astonished to hear five tones sounding out over the phone line. * Me: "Are you typing into the phone?" * Him: "Oh, heh heh. I'm supposed to type this on the computer, aren't I?" ======= My father works for a multinational company and he is the manager of a project that implements a new sales support system in the entire region he is operating in. The program itself is a distributed database, allowing individual users to make their own updates on their laptop PCs and then uploading their changes to a server as well as downloading all the changes the other users have made. When he wrote the instructions to the sales representatives on how to do this he got the letter back from one of the regional offices with complaints. His original instructions read like this: From the File menu, select OS-Shell. This will make your screen look like this: C:\SPS\WIN Now type DOWNLOAD to..., blah, blah, blah, etc, etc. The hand-written remark on the sheet of paper was: "These instructions are incorrect and cannot be followed! Right after C:\SPS\WIN, a strange bracket (>) pops up and it will not go away!" ======= For reasons too involved and irrelevant to explain, a friend of mine had possession had a copy of a nasty program on a floppy. It would erase the entire hard drive of whatever computer it was loaded on. The floppy was labelled "INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS" and kept in a locked box at his store. One day, a man he had hired to work at the store found it and popped it into the company's computer and turned it on. Wouldn't you know it -- the hard drive was erased. His explanation was, "I wanted to see what it would do." ======= One day a friend of mine called me up to tell me he was thinking of buying a computer. This guy is particularly sensitive to criticism and not to exactly in the upper eschelon of the IQ range, and personally I don't think he should own a programmable VCR much less a computer, but he's a good guy, so I said "good for you." The following conversation ensued: * Him: "Well I have a couple questions though, that I thought I should ask you, cause you know about those things, right?" * Me: "Yeah, ok, what do you want to know?" * Him: "Well...what one should I buy?" * Me: "What do you want to do with it mostly? Play games, word processsing (blah blah blah)...?" Twenty minutes later.... * Him: "Well, I think probably I should get a real fast one, you know, cause I want it to go fast so I don't have to wait for the Internet." I proceed to explain, SLOWLY, about the difference between megahertz and modem speed, which takes another twenty minutes. * Him: "So how much is this going to cost me anyway?" * Me: "It all depends on what you want. Some stuff costs more. (Now, let me say here that at the very begining of all this I had stated that neither a monitor nor a printer would come with a computer itself, unless you went for a package deal. He was, at this point saying that he wanted to spend about $500 and that everything had to be from the same manufacturer. This was when the 550 P3 had just come out, so prices were still higher than $500 for any system you could go buy in a Circuit City, which he said he HAD to do.) * Him: "Well, you know, I just want the basic stuff, a monitor, and a printer and a scanner, and maybe a camera, plus the stuff to make cards and print photos and all that, and the stuff to take care of paying my bills, and online." * Me: "Ok, well, you need to get a system first, then think about the extras. You really need to learn the basics first. A computer with a monitor and a printer is probably going to be a minimum of $800 to $1000, if you really want them all to be from the same company." * Him: "REALLY?! Well, ok, but I probably will need two printers, so it'll be more then, huh?" * Me: "What?" * Him: "Yeah, you can do that, right, hook up two of the same printer to one computer?" * Me: "Well...NO, you can't." * Him: "But I'll need to do that!" * Me: "No, really, you won't. Why do you think that?" * Him: "Ok, wait, I know, what about two computers? Can you do that? Can you hook two computers together?" * Me: "But...why? No." * Him: "But I am going to NEED that! You can't do that for me?!" * Me: "Ok, ya know what, what the hell are you talking about?!? No one ever NEEDS to do what you are talking about doing so why do you think you need to do this?!?" * Him: "Well, when I go to print out that manuscript I'm going to write, it'll probably be like 800 pages or so, so how am I ever going to get one printer to print that much, and one computer probably can't even hold that much in one thing right?" Inside I was going ballistic at this point, and it did boil over, especially since there is NO WAY there is 800 pages worth of anything in this guy's head, but I explained that (a) one computer can in fact "hold" that much and a whole lot more, and (b) one printer (unless it is a huge Xerox or other office type industrial machine) CAN'T hold that much paper in one shot. I hope that none of you nice tech support people never EVER get a call from this guy, because I guarantee you it will be the worst call you ever get in your life. You guys may all have to get together and dedicate a page to him, posting only his calls, just to vent your anger. He is the cupholder guy, the NOSMOKE.EXE guy, the guy who insists he "hasn't changed anything" when he really edited his AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS to include lines like "and don't say I'm bad and an invalid," and the guy who has everything plugged in but nothing where it is supposed to be plugged in. He WILL have his powerstrip plugged into itself and will insist that it is NOT. May the force be with you all; you'll need it. A member of America Online called me (a member of the tech support staff for an Internet service provider with no affiliation with AOL) asking what her email address was. After figuring out she wasn't registered with us, I politely pointed out that we were not America Online and she might get a better answer to her problem if she called the American Online support number. * Customer: "Oh, so I should call them?" * Tech Support: "Yes, they will probably be able to help you more than I can." * Customer: "But you're an Internet Service Provider! It says so right here in the phone book! If you don't want to help me fine. Thank you, have a good day." [click] ======= * Customer: "I've been signed up with your service for over a week, and have not been able to connect even once because of busy signals. If I can't get any better service than that, I'm going to switch to another ISP." * Tech Support: "Hmmm...that shouldn't be happening. We're no where near maxing out our dial up lines. Are you sure you're dialing the right number?" * Customer: "I'm not stupid! I know my own phone number!" ======= I was selling a PS2 to a man who had a thick European accent. We were going over features, when we got to PSOnline. * Customer: "This Playstation...it go online?" * Salesman: "Yes sir, it is possible to hook it up to go online. Many games have multiplayer features, and there is no charge for online play." * Customer: "Yes, I want online." * Salesman: "Just so you know, sir, those games you've picked out do not have multiplayer modes." * Customer: "No, I want online because I hear it makes fan run better." ======= One time I was helping a friend to download a file that he wanted. He had a slow modem at the time and asked me, "If I disconnect, will the file keep downloading?" ======= * Tech Support: "Now click the 'connect' button." * Customer: (modem dialing noises) "Hold on, I have another call." (pause) "Hmmm. No one there. Ok, I'll try this again." (modem dialing noises) "Hold on, I got another call." (pause) ======= * Tech Support: "What web browser are you using?" * Customer: "Aren't you my browser?" ======= * Customer: "I am going to shoot everyone at your DSL office. Where are you located at, anyways?" * Tech Support: "Uh, for security purposes, just like this, our company states we cannot reveal our call center's location." * Customer: "I am filing a complaint against you with the public utilities commission." * Tech Support: "You do realize DSL is not a public utility, right?" ======= * Customer: "I'm having problems connecting to the Internet through the University. I've just moved, and I'm not sure if the cables are connected properly." * Tech Support: "Well, how are the cables connected now?" * Customer: "Oh, wait, this cord needs to be--" (click) Five minutes later, she called back. * Tech Support: "We seemed to have been disconnected." * Customer: "Right, I was moving these phone cords--" (click) Five minutes later, she called back. * Tech Support: "Are you using a phone plugged into your modem?" * Customer: "Yes, I don't have my other one hooked up yet--" (click) ======= Several instances I had customers say something similar to this after a "no response from modem" error message: * Customer: "You are lying to me! Your ISP is down, and you should admit it! How dare you try to look at anything on my computer. I refuse! You are a stupid fool." ======= * Customer: "How do I get online with your service? Do I need disks?" * Tech Support: "Well, I'll give you a call back in about 15 minutes once I'm done setting up your account on our end, and then I'll explain over the phone to you how to get online." * Customer: "Wow! How do you do that!? I mean, you didn't send me anything, and I don't have to do anything? Don't I have to, like, plug in the Internet or something?" ======= * Customer: "Hi. I'm the network technician for our enterprise, and I need to know how to connect to your ISP." * Tech Support: "You registered for a dial-up 56K connection. Your login/password are [deleted]. Configure as DHCP client, and, just in case, the DNS is [deleted]. The phone number to reach our modem is 514-8...." * Customer: "I don't want to talk with your modem! Don't give me a phone number! I want Internet access! Give me the technical details." ======= A lady called, claiming to be a new member. I looked under the screen name she gave...couldn't find her. I looked under her phone number...couldn't find her. I looked under her name...couldn't find her. I resorted to her credit card number...couldn't find her. Finally, I asked her if she was sure it was America Online that she signed up for. * Customer: "Yeah. Well, it's called E-World on my computer, though." ======= Got a call today from a gentleman who was upset because ABC's "This Week with David Brinkley" show had run long, causing the first twenty minutes or so of a sporting event to be preempted, and he had seen AOL's blurb at the end of the show. * Tech Support: "Well, sir, ABC News does have an area on AOL but we're not affiliated with them.... I'm not sure I understand, why did you call us instead of ABC?" * Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?" * Customer: "A computer." ======= A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she was having problems with her Mac. I asked what kind of Mac she had. In an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh." ======= * Tech Support: "What operating system are you running? Windows 95?" * Customer: (a little too excited) "95, 97, 98, I've got them all!" After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1. ======= * Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you running?" * Customer: "I got the computer in 2003, so I think it's a Windows 2003. Or maybe it's a Windows 2004? I got it late in the year." * Tech Support: "Um, ok." * Customer: "Is that wrong?" * Tech Support: "No, no, that sounds about right. Tell me, would you know what service pack you have for that?" * Customer: "Well, when I got to the register, the young man who rang me up said was about the 5th person to buy it. So it might be service pack 5." ======= A kid in my class joined a conversation I was having about older computers. * Him: "I have the oldest Windows ever at my house. It's Windows 92." * Me: "Uhhh, there is no such thing as Windows 92." * Him: "Oh, well it's something like that. I'm pretty sure it's Windows 94." * Me: "There's no such thing as Windows 94, either." * Him: "Well it's something like that!" ======= * Tech Support: "What operating system do you run?" * Customer: "Dial-up." ======= * Tech Support: "Do you know what operating system you're on?" * Customer: "Hmmm...what would be a good answer?" ======= * Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?" ======= One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular procedure. * Me: "First you need to open DOS-prompt. I'll guide you--" * Customer: "MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE DOS! YOU THINK I RUN THAT ANCIENT SOFTWARE?" (click) ======= * My Friend: "I just installed Windows 98." * Me: "Cool. But...it's 2001. Why not Windows 2000 or wait for XP to come out?" * My Friend: "Oh, 98 is more easily hacked, so I want it." * Me: "You want to get hacked?" * My Friend: "Yes! Wouldn't you?" * Me: "No...." * My Friend: "When you get hacked you get a lot of money! That's a good thing!" * Me: "???" ======= * My Friend: "What's your operating system?" * Me: "Linux." * My Friend: "You better uninstall it!" * Me: "Why?" * My Friend: "The government uses Linux to look through your computer and see your every move. They use it as a security camera into your world." * Me: "Sure...." ======= * Friend: "I heard about this thing called 'Linux'." * Me: "Oh, I use Linux." * Friend: "What is it?" * Me: "An operating system." * Friend: "Like Firefox?" ======= * Friend: "Does Windows 98 support Linux?" ======= * Customer: "Do you sell Mac OS X for Windows?" ======= Overheard in a classroom: * Student: "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?" ======= * Customer: "How much do Windows cost?" * Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100." * Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?" ======= * Friend: "Hey, cool Mac! Does it have Windows!?" * Me: (incredulous stare) * Friend: "Oh, wait, that was stupid. All Macs have Windows." ======= * Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?" ======= * Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have installed?" * Customer: "... Double glazed." ======= A customer called in with modem problems. * Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed." * Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?" * Me: "Make sure all windows are closed." * Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here." Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time! ======= I can't even count how many people I argue with about this, yet they insist there is an operating system call "Windows 95 NT." ======= One day I got a call toward the end of the day from a sales rep in Chicago who couldn't get his computer to boot up. We went round and round for about two hours -- nothing worked. I was ready to pull my hair out, but I don't like losing. To lighten the tension of the moment, I started chitchatting with him as we're waiting to see if the machine will restart. He has an IBM ThinkPad, and I told him how much I like mine. * Him: "Yeah, they're ok, but I travel a lot, and I got tired of the darn thing being so heavy, so I installed Windows CE to make it lighter." ======= * Me: "Do you know what the registry is?" * Friend: "Oh, yes. I take the registry apart and put it back together all the time." ======= I was calling to sign up with a new DSL provider. When the guy asked what operating system I was using, I said, "Linux." I was put on hold for five minutes, and then a supervisor came back and told me, "You can't use Linux to connect to the Internet. It's a hacker tool, anyway." I almost fell out of my chair. ======= In about 1993, Cambridge University had a few rooms of 486s, for use by members of the University. You could get into the rooms at any time of day if you had a key, and the site security would walk around every hour or so at night. One policy, introduced after a few too many noisy games of network Doom, was that playing games wasn't allowed. One evening, however, I saw someone using eXceed (an X-Windows server for Microsoft Windows) to run Motif. Apparently he was doing something on one of the UNIX machines over the network. The security guard came up behind him, and the conversation went something like this: * Security Guard: "Could you stop that -- you're not allowed to play games in here." * Student: "This isn't a game." * Security Guard: "You can't fool me. That's not work." * Student: "Yes, it is. I'm a computer science student -- I've got a deadline later this week." * Security Guard: "That doesn't look like work to me. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." * Student: "What? I'm working. I'm working quietly. Why do I have to leave?" * Security Guard: "You're playing a game, and you're lying to me. Out. Now. Before I turn this machine off." Even the other two people in the room couldn't persuade the security bloke that it wasn't a game. ======= Overheard in a software shop: * Woman #1: "What this Linux thing?" * Woman #2: "It's a program that if you have it on your computer, you can't turn the computer off." * Woman #1: "Oh." ======= Last year, the temp agency I was working for was arranging a contract for me, and some additional "computer skills" tests were necessary. The branch manager asked what kind of computer I was comfortable with. I said, "Windows PC," although I had used several others. She cut in right then and asked, "Word or Excel?" ======= * Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?" * Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?" * Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?" * Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?" * Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on." * Tech Support: "And then what happens?" * Customer: "What do you mean?" * Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part." * Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried." * Tech Support: "And that is what?" * Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" * Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?" * Customer: "A bunch of little pictures." * Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'." * Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it." * Tech Support: "You mean an apple?" * Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple." Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac. Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him. ======= Two night forepersons at our company were discussing our new computer network after just having been to a brief orientation session. One of them wanted to know what "windows" were, so I explained. Just as she seemed to be catching on to the concept, the other foreperson piped up. "Well that's great, because we have ninety-five windows on there!" ======= * Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?" * Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..." ======= * Co-Worker: "What version of DOS does UNIX run?" ======= * Tech Support: "How can I help you?" * Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not." * Tech Support: "What program is it?" * Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'." * Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?" * Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows." ======= For my work-study job, I work tech support at a small college. One night I was working Help Desk and the phone rings. I pick it up to have a student telling me she can't get the computer to work. * Me: "What operating system are you running?" * Student: "Hunh?" * Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?" * Student: "Um, I don't know." * Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?" * Student: "It's yellow." * Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?" * Student: "What's that?" * Me: "The big grey box." * Student: "It doesn't say anything." * Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?" * Student: "Monitor?" * Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box." * Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button." * Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?" * Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?" ======= Back in the early days of Windows 95: * Customer: "I have Windows Thirty One." * Tech Support: "Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?" * Customer: "No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two." * Tech Support: "Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95." * Customer: "What's Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?" * Tech Supprort: "You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this." * Customer: "I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON'T IT WORK?" * Tech Support: (giving up) "Ma'am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95." * Customer: "I've heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn't that be better than Ninety Five?" ======= My father decided that it would be a nice surprise to install Windows 95 on my seven year old computer. He had one of his employees give him step-by-step written instructions but neglected to mention that my computer is so old. When I got home he had Windows 95 installed and was struggling to install the first piece of software. * My Dad: "It says there's insufficient disk space. How much stuff to you have on the hard drive?" * Me: "It was almost full. You shouldn't have been able to get Windows 95 on there." * My Dad: "Well, I just followed these instructions." I looked at the instructions and saw that he had backed up everything and wiped the hard drive. * Me: "If you followed these instruction properly, the only thing on the hard drive should be Windows 95. How much space does that take up?" * My Dad: "It doesn't take up any space. It's an operating system." * Me: "No, it takes up a lot of space, and it shouldn't even be able to fit on this computer." * My Dad: "No, you don't know what you're talking about. The problem is that you have too many files. You have to delete some of them." * Me: "You already deleted all my files. They're on that stack of disks now." * My Dad: "Yes, and those disks are taking up too much space." ======= A friend just got his new Aptiva/Win98 system and bought a bunch of software to go along with it. He installed everything, then complained that when he started his computer up, the screen was so cluttered he was having a hard time finding his desktop. I talked him through the process of making his desktop a more simple place by turning off fancy wallpaper, toolbars, and so on. He rebooted and said it was just as bad as it ever was. Sighing, I took a quick trip over to look at it. Somewhat to my amazement, I discovered that every time the computer booted up, a half dozen or so program groups opened up on the desktop, and all sorts of programs were spilling their menu contents onto the screen. After some poking around, I discovered that he had installed everything -- everything -- into his StartUp folder. I asked him why he installed all his programs in there. He said, "Well, I wanted to be sure they'd start up when I needed them, so...." ======= My father likes to delete things from the Windows System directory because he's convinced that's where the swap file lurks. I have to reinstall Windows 95 almost every day. ======= A friend of mine had an old system with a small hard drive and not much memory, so she continued to use Windows 3.1 rather than suffer under the strain of Windows 95/98. She called me one day to help her because her computer will no longer run Windows. Past experience had taught me most of her computer problems were self-inflicted, so I asked her what she had done to the computer recently. * Her: "Well, I needed more space from the hard drive so I could get more JPGs and WAVs from my friends on mIRC." * Me: "Ok, so what did you do?" * Her: "I just deleted all the blank files from my computer." * Me: "Blank files?" * Her: "Yes, blank files. I deleted tham all." * Me: "What exactly is a blank file?" * Her: "When you run File Manager, every file shows a picture. I just deleted all the ones with the blank page picture." Say goodbye to every .DLL and unassociated file on her system. She was somewhat indignant when she found out she would have to find some Windows 3.1 install diskettes and reinstall every piece of software she wanted to use. ======= Back in the early nineties, when I was doing PC/LAN support, I was approached by a nervous salesman. He was very concerned because Excel did not work on his computer anymore. I asked when it had stopped working and what he had done. He explained that he had tried to speed Excel up by deleting some spreadsheet files that he did not need, hoping that that would boost performance. Now, whenever a user gets into trouble after deleting something, this usually needs immediate attention. So I asked him to tell me exactly what he deleted. The horrifying answer was that he had used the File Manager to delete all Excel files he found -- you know, files of type EXE. I went pale. He said, "That was bad, huh?" ======= About two months ago, a client called in screaming profanities at me and demanding that I either give him a refund on his one year old system or send a technician out to repair it immediately. His problem was that the taskbar was on the right-hand side of his screen, and he couldn't get it back to the bottom. ======= A few days ago, a client called in wondering why he couldn't delete items off the Windows desktop. It was soon discovered that he'd already dragged Internet Explorer, MS Outlook, and a few other items off into the recycle bin, and was trying to delete 'My Computer' and 'Network Neighborhood.' ======= I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in. * Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?" * Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there." * Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?" * Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages." * Woman 1: "Why?" * Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin." ======= My coworker (who uses Windows 95) was having trouble downloading a self-extracting archive off the net. In an attempt to make it easier to open the file with WinZIP, he associated *.EXE with WinZIP. Nothing worked after that. Every program he tried to run would load WinZIP first. He couldn't even run REGEDIT to delete the association. He ultimately had to reinstall Windows 95 and all his programs. ======= From a Windows 95 user: * Customer: "I think my computer doesn't know what it is doing." * Tech Support: (pause) "Why? What is the problem with the system?" * Customer: "Well, it keeps asking me, 'What is this?'" ======= * Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95." * Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?" * Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'." ======= * Customer: "Something's wrong with my computer." * Tech Support: "Like what?" * Customer: "When I turn it on the screen goes all black." * Tech Support: "Totally black?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Does it say 'C:\>' in the corner?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Then it's not really all black, is it?" * Customer: "I guess not." * Tech Support: "Type 'win' and press the enter key." ======= I work at an office supply store. When Windows 98 came out, we had a sale on new computer systems. There were more than a few people who were completely taken in by buzzwords and had no idea what they were talking about. The worst case was a person who spent five or ten minutes looking through Windows Explorer, apparently trying to find something. Trying to make the sale, I stayed with her, helping her when necessary. Eventually, I asked to know what she was looking for. "I'm trying to run Windows 98," she said. ======= Read in a message board of a local BBS: "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS." ======= * Tech Support: "What software are you using to backup? * Customer: "Ms. Dos." (spoken like it was a person, like Mr. Dos or Mrs. Dos) * Tech Support: "What, are you just copying the files with the xcopy or copy command?" * Customer: "Oh, no I use Ms. Backup for that." ======= At least three people from our company have come to me panicked, almost crying. They all say, "I think I just erased a program!! Help!!" In reality, it turns out they just minimized the window. When I open it again, they gasp, "What did you DO?!?!?" ======= We maintain a 24 hour, 800 number call desk for our maintenance contract customers, a very expensive undertaking. Non-contract customers can call as well, but our per-call maintenance charge is $250/hour, with a minimum of three hours. If you only call us occasionally, it's a lot cheaper than a contract, but it's clearly designed to discourage trivial calls. In 1996 a per-call customer called. "What does MSDOS stand for?" she asked. We told her. Her firm paid the $750 bill without demur. ======= One time a user was trying to clean up his hard drive. He saw a folder called "system" which took up lots of space but only had a few things in it. So he moved the fonts and sounds to a new location and deleted everything else. ======= One of our users, upon receiving his new computer, deleted most of the files in the system area. He said he didn't know what those files did, so he got rid of them. For some strange reason, the system refused to work properly afterward. ======= Had a user that called the other day, complaining that all her files were "garbage" and that I should take her computer back and fix them. It turned out she was looking at system files. She couldn't read the binary code and assumed, therefore, that the files were corrupted. ======= I was asked to fix Word Perfect once, when it had apparently "just quit working." They didn't know why, but it didn't take long for me to find the problem. They had cleaned up their hard drive by erasing all binary files because "they weren't readable." ======= One user -- a regular caller of ours -- got herself into some serious computer trouble when she set about cleaning up her system. She had been exploring the hard drive in the file manager and discovered hundreds of files in the Windows directory with all different file extensions. Being of an orderly mind, and with several hours of free time, she had created a TXT folder, a COM folder, a DLL folder, and so forth, and moved all the files into these subdirectories. ======= * Me: "You really should exit Windows before you shut down." * Friend: "Why?" * Me: "Well, otherwise you could end up with fragmented files and hard drive errors and that sort of thing." * Friend: "Oh well. Who cares about hard drive errors?" ======= * Customer: "My machine won't do anything." * Tech Support: "What's on the screen right now?" * Customer: "It's frozen, it's showing my Windows desktop." * Tech Support: "Try hitting Ctrl-Alt-Delete, tell me what happens." * Customer: (taptaptap) "Nothing." * Tech Support: "Did you hit all of them at once?" * Customer: "Umm...just a second." (taptaptap) "I did that time. Nothing happened." * Tech Support: "Try it again." * Customer: (taptaptap) "No, it's just sitting there." * Tech Support: "Move the mouse around. What happens?" * Customer: "Nothing, the arrow doesn't move." * Tech Support: "Ok, last try, hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete again." * Customer: "Still nothing." * Tech Support: "Hit your numlock key. Does the light flash?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Ok, you're going to have to shut your computer off. Just press the power button, wait for a couple of seconds, and turn it on again." * Customer: "I've heard that's bad for Windows." * Tech Support: "Um, well, you can't do anything else, right?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Well, you can't hurt it any worse then." * Customer: "But I've heard it's bad for Windows to just shut it off without shutting down first." * Tech Support: "Yes, but it's locked up. There's nothing else you can do." * Customer: "Will it hurt my Windows?" * Tech Support: "Probably no worse than it already was by locking up." * Customer: "Well...ok...but if it doesn't work, will you come over and fix it for me?" ======= There is a gradeschooler who lives in an apartment complex down the street for whom I built a 486 some time ago. It's running Windows 95, and I am forced to fix it for him constantly. One day he called me up and said that his computer is opening up all of his files. I grabbed my coat and hat and popped over to see what he had done to the poor thing. He had selected everything on his desktop and made shortcuts of them in a new folder on the desktop, in the quick-launch, and, worst of all, his startup folder. Imagine booting all the MS Office 97 applications at startup on a 486...quite painful. ======= I put my foot in my mouth rather firmly once. I was teaching a new user some basic UNIX commands just so she could get around on the computer when she needed to. I thought I was doing pretty well, but, in a moment of self-doubt, she said that she didn't think she'd ever learn how to use a computer. My feeble attempt at consoling her follows: * Me: "Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it. When I first started using UNIX, I didn't even know how to change directories!" * Her: "What's a directory?" ======= * Customer: "File manager? What's that?" * Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?" * Customer: "Three years." ======= Talking to a Mac user: * Tech Support: "When was the last time you rebuilt the desktop?" * Customer: "Did what?" * Tech Support: "How long have you owned this computer?" * Customer: "Four years." ======= A customer walked into the computer store I work in, wanting to return a computer. * Me: "Sure, is it defective?" * Customer: "No, that's not the problem. When I took it home and turned it on, I realized it was only half programmed." * Me: [scratching head] "What do you mean by half programmed?" * Customer: "Well, look at the computer on display." [points to the Windows 95 desktop] "Do you see how all the programs are on the left side of the computer?" * Me: [biting tongue] "Well, you are right sir, I will take your computer back." I decided the moron had to solve his life before he could buy a computer. ======= A guy at our company asked to have Lotus Notes installed on his Mac. He said he'd be away for a couple days, and I could install it then. When I went to do it, there wasn't enough disk space, but there was about 96 megs in the trash. Ah, I thought, he's forgotten to empty it. When the user returned to work, he came straight to see me after switching on his machine. * Him: "Where're all my files?" * Me: "What files?" * Him: "The ones I was keeping in the trash." ======= Recently, I had a guy from the local tech school come in for an interview for my computer assistant job opening. I was taking him around the office, trying my best to explain to him what my job entails and what he'd be doing if he worked for me. One of the very first things I showed him was our NT server, which runs Wincenter Pro, a third-party enhanced version of Windows NT Server which allows us to have multiple people logged into the same NT box and to start up a remote NT session from an X-Windows desktop. He was pretty impressed by that, having been trained in a vanilla NT environment. The next thing I showed him was one of our old DG 300 UNIX workstations. He scoffed along with me when I explained that the workstation used an old 16mhz Motorola processor, so it was not exactly fast. The interview seemed to be going well up to this point, with the guy seeming to understand most of the stuff I was throwing out (even the stuff I wasn't too sure about myself) until I happened to mention that the DG workstation, along with all the other workstations and servers in our office (save the NT server, of course) ran DG/UX 5.4R3.10: * Me: "Yeah, and this thing runs DG/UX 5.4R3.10." * Him: "What's that?" He stares blankly. My heart sinks. * Him: "So does that run as a thread under NT?" * Me: "No. It's an OS. It just runs by itself." * Him: "Oh oh, so you start up NT, then--" * Me: "No. UNIX. It's an operating system. It runs by itself, not under NT." He stares blankly. So much for this prospective employee. ======= Two girls walked into the University's Linux cluster one time. They were obviously unfamiliar with computers and chatted with each other trying to figure everything out. I was doing my own work and had tuned out a lot of the conversation, but at one point one of them turned to me and asked how to get into Windows. "Type startx," I replied, for the Linux machines booted to a shell prompt, and you had to type "startx" to get into X-Windows. I never did find out if that worked for them or not, but they spent quite some time trying to correlate the instructions they had on paper (presumably given out in one of their classes) with what they were seeing on the screen. A full hour and a half passed, and finally one of them turned to me again and asked if this was the Microsoft Windows cluster. "No," I replied, "that's downstairs." It was hard to stifle the laughter until they were gone. An hour and a half before they realized they weren't even using the right operating system. Wow. ======= A lab technician (legendary, where I work) deleted a large and seemingly useless file named /vmunix from a Sun workstation. (This file is the UNIX operating system image.) The machine worked fine until I tried to reboot it. ======= In what seems more and more like another life, some 15 years ago, I was an assistant in a computer lab belonging to the computer science department of my university. The lab consisted of a bunch of 286 IBM PS/2s with only a 3.5" floppy drive -- they had to boot with an operating system disk and then put in the program disk, and so forth. One day a student was having problems booting up the computer. I went to see what was happening, because she was becoming increasingly vocal about the quality of the hardware and the incompetence of the people (me) who were supposed to maintain it. I found that she was trying to boot off a floppy with no operating system. So I tried to tell her that she needed a DOS diskette to boot the computer. * Her: "Why?" * Me: "Well, because without the operating system the computer just cannot work." * Her: "But I don't need the operating system." * Me: "I assure you, you do." * Her: "No, you don't understand, I've already passed the operating systems exam. I'm preparing the coursework for simulation theory, so I don't need an operating system. I already passed. Really." * Me: "I'm not talking about the exam. I am talking about the operating system for the computer." * Her: "Why on earth should I want to put an operating system on the computer when I have already passed the exam? I need to study simulation theory, not operating systems! The arrogance! Now you want to tell me what I should study? You don't think I passed the exam on my merits alone? Huh?" She stormed out of the lab and filed a formal complaint with the department's secretary. The worst part was that I got reprimanded, because, apparently, the senior management didn't know any better than she did. Yes, she graduated a couple of years later. ======= A member of getacoder.com posted and asked for someone to write an operating system for him. It had to have all the features of Windows XP Professional. In return, he would be willing to pay $20 to $100. The listing: I need someone to program me a new OS (Operasting System) that looks different than Ms Windows XP etc. but has the same style. It does not need to run on a mac but all the other PCs. It's supposed to have a stylish look with clear edges etc. And ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE JUST A REDESIGNED WINDOWS as I'm going to sell that operating system later on. These are some important points : It should have ALL THE FEATURES that Windows Xp Professional has. ALL the files that run on Windows XP ust also run on the BlueOrb OS. It must have a very user-friendly interface (like MS WINDOWS XP) When it gets Installed, the user needs to insert a serial number. It HAS to be HACKER SAFE! It must be quick and good looking. Here's the listing on getacoder.com. * Customer: "I'd like to return this scanner." * Store Clerk: "Excuse me?" * Customer: "This scanner I bought. I paid eighty dollars for this scanner, and it doesn't work!" * Store Clerk: "Uh...sir, that's a trackball." * Customer: "No, it isn't. It says 600 dpi tracking resolution right here!" ======= When I worked in a computer store we got a batch of paper shredders and sold them all pretty fast. One customer bought one along with a custom-built computer. He was a smart fellow, as he knew just what he wanted and even asked for the installation disks to be included in case something went wrong. Happy to oblige, we gave him all the disks. The next day, he complained that we didn't give him the driver disk for the shredder. The shredder, under no circumstances, required any connection to the computer. There was just a power switch. I explained it to him, and he shrugged it off when he realized his mistake and left. After that, I went into the back room and laughed till it hurt. ======= A year and a half ago I was teaching customers how to get on the net and surf and download stuff. After three weeks on the job, one night a customer came in and asked if I could teach him how to navigate through the net. At that time we had trackballs rather than mice. Once I asked a customer to move the cursor and double click on the Internet Explorer icon. He moved the entire trackball, base and all, like a mouse. I told him that it was a trackball, not a mouse, and he said, "Oh, no wonder the arrow isn't moving. Ok, gotcha!" Then he turned the trackball upside down and used the ball as a roller. ======= My company gives automated customer feedback surveys via phone. When somebody calls, our system answers, administers the survey, then gives a gift code that can be written on the receipt to prove they called. Someone tried calling and had trouble, so he called the support line. * Customer: "I called this number to take the survey, but the man was very rude. He wouldn't listen to anything I said and just kept asking me for some number." * Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, you weren't speaking with a person. Our surveys are administered by computer." * Customer: "I don't have a computer." * Tech Support: "No, I mean it's a recording. It's kind of like an answering machine, except that it tells you to press certain buttons for different answers." * Customer: "Oh, well, I'm no good at this computer stuff." ======= * Friend: "I want to get an iPod." * Me: "Cool." * Friend: "Yeah, but I have a question." * Me: "What? * Friend: "Do and I need an iPod and an MP3 player to listen to music?" ======= One night I was watching QVC, and the current item being displayed was a computer. Someone who had just bought one called in and was put on the air. * Customer: "Hi, I bought that Kodak scanner you had on, and whenever I scan a photo into the computer I have now, it's 25 megs. How do I make it a sendable file size for email?" * Host: "Well, with that 56K modem, the size won't matter because of the speed." ======= A conversation from an Internet chat room: * Person #1: "Can DVDs play in the CDROM drive of a computer?" * Person #2: "No, that's what DVD players are for." * Person #1: "Oh, I thought digitized was digitized, and that was that. Isn't a CD digital? You sure? I was thinking buying a DVD movie, but I wasn't sure." ======= * Customer: "My tape drive isn't working!" * Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "I didn't know you needed a TAPE for the tape drive! It didn't come with a tape!" ======= * Friend: "My DVD-ROM can't read my DVDs." * Me: "Is the disk scratched? Is it in the drive correctly?" * Friend: "I'm not stupid. I know all that." * Me: "Can it read regular CDs?" * Friend: "Yes." * Me: "It is a DVD-ROM drive, right?" * Friend: "Well, it's a CD-ROM drive, but it's a 48x CD-ROM drive, and DVD-ROMs only go up to 10x, so it must be fast enough." ======= * The Son of a Local Computer Shop Owner: "Downloading stuff off the Internet is so slow from here, but that's probably because you're downloading to your hard drive. Writing it to the hard drive takes too long. That's why, when I download stuff, I download it right to my CD writer. It's an 8X, so it's eight times faster." ======= I was at an ad agency a while back and there was a big project deadline looming. The folks who were printing this particular ad were about 150 miles away and had to get all of the files that the agency had put together in a hurry. We found out the hard way, after trial and error, that the print house didn't have any Internet access at all, so we couldn't email the data. So I suggested that we meet half way, and I'd give them the files on a zip disk. I asked the woman on the phone if she had a zip. She replied with a five digit number. ======= A customer was trying to open a .zip file in PowerPoint. She was getting the error message, "This is not a PowerPoint presentation. * Tech Support: "You need to unzip the file first before PowerPoint can open it." * Customer: "But I put it on a zip disk. Doesn't that do it?" ======= I was with my cousin one time when he saw the box to a 900 mhz cordless phone. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "This phone is better than my whole computer!" ======= I got a call from a woman who spoke very little English. She was extremely irate that her PCS phone would not turn on. I tried every troubleshooting step I could think of, only to hear, "You no listen, you dummy. It not working!" no matter what I did. Finally I asked her to turn the phone off and on. * Tech Support: "Ma'am, can you turn the phone off and on again?" * Customer: "How do I do this?" * Tech Support: "Just push the power button." * Customer: "I no have one of those. YOU DUMMY IT NO WORK." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, please press the green button." The silence was long. * Customer: "Ok, it work now, bye bye." ======= * Co-Worker: "What is this thing beside the monitor?" * Me: "That is the computer." * Co-Worker: "Ok, what's this other thing here?" * Me: "A pencil sharpener." ======= My father walked into my room and saw my MIDI keyboard plugged into my computer. He pointed at the keyboard and asked, "Is that a program?" ======= After letting my hamster loose, he found his way behind the computer and chewed through the speaker cable. When my dad realized what had happened, he decided that deleting all the graphics card drivers would help. This resulted in a completely blank screen. ======= * Customer: "I bought your fancy graphics card, and my Windows display is not better than it was before." * Tech Support: "We had better look at the installation then." * Customer: "You mean I have to install it?" The graphics card was still in the box. ======= I recently purchased a Sony Mavica still camera, which, for those unfamiliar, is a digital camera that stores snapshots on a floppy disk. Twice so far I have had someone ask me if it is safe to take the disk out in a lighted room. ======= Posted to rec.photo.digital: I put my 8Mb smartmedia card in my FlashPath adapter and used Windows 95 and DriveSpace on it. Now windows says that I have 20MB available on it! It just saved me a bunch of money, right? Wrong. My camera can't see any of the extra space. In fact, it sees less space. What gives? Am I still going to have to send my camera in for an update to use the extra space? What a rip off. I should have kept my Mavica. ======= A client called in with computer problems. Part of the conversation went like this: * Customer: "...I'm an educated man, so don't you dare talk down to me!" * Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Do you have a desktop or tower case?" * Customer: "Don't use that technical !&#$@!* with me!" ======= I was at a classmate's house once, explaining some things to her about Internet communications and about ICQ and Netmeeting and so forth. She asked me if she could download Netmeeting from the Internet, and I said she could but that she would need a microphone for the talking part. She stared at me with the most naive look and asked if she could download the microphone, too. ======= A customer called in. After pulling up his case, I realized that this was his fifth call to us over the last two days, all regarding the same product. He was trying to add a 3D accelerator card to his system and could not get it to work. He had spoken to us four times and to his computer manufacturer twice. It was still not functional. * Customer: "I hope you can help me out. I have made several calls now and cannot fix this problem." * Tech Support: "Well, I'll see what I can do. So, I am seeing here that the card is not being detected by your computer. Is that right?" * Customer: "Correct. When I boot up, Windows never detects the card. Previous techs had me run the 'Add New Hardware' wizard, and we checked the device manager, but there wasn't anything there." * Tech Support: "Ok. Have you tried putting the card into another slot?" * Customer: "What do you mean?" * Tech Support: "Well, if for some reason the system does not see the card in this slot, perhaps putting the card in another slot will help." * Customer: "How do I do that? Do I have to take it apart?" * Tech Support: "Yes, you will have to take the case off." * Customer: "Ok, just a second.... Ok, the case is off now." * Tech Support: "Do you have any more PCI slots free?" * Customer: "I am not sure." * Tech Support: "How many PCI slots do you have in your system?" * Customer: "Umm...eight." * Tech Support: "You have eight PCI slots in your system?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "How many white PCI slots do you have?" * Customer: "Ummm...five." * Tech Support: "Ok. Of those five, how many have something in them?" * Customer: "One." * Tech Support: "One? And is this the accelerator card?" * Customer: "No. Oh hey, is that card I got supposed to fit into one of these slots?" * Tech Support: "Yes, that's the idea. Where is the accelerator card currently?" * Customer: "Well, it comes with that small black cable, so I have it on the outside of the computer, hooked up with that cable you sent with it." I walked him through the install process, and everything was fine. This was his seventh call to some form of support, and the card never even made it into the computer. Sigh. ======= A customer called up the company that made her hand-held scanner, complaining that it wasn't scanning correctly. After several minutes of hardware and software questions, the tech asked what exactly the person did to scan. "Well," she said, "I simply put it on the side of my head and drag it down." (And she wonders why the "brain scanner" can't find anything!) ======= * Customer: "What kind of ink cartidges do I need for this scanner?" ======= I was working as a lab monitor in the multimedia lab at my university. One afternoon at work, one student stomped up to me and said, "The scanner doesn't work." The scanner always worked. The first year students just usually had a step wrong when using it. I went over to his computer and asked him to show me what he was doing. He went in Photoshop, then down the file menu, selected 'acquire,' then went to the correct plug-in for the scanner -- all correct steps. Then when the scanner started to go, he grabbed a picture off his desk, and held it up. I guess he'd assumed the scanner would scan the entire room and determine what he wanted scanned. * Me: "Uh, you have to put the picture inside the scanner." * Him: "Oh!" ======= * Customer: "The scanner you installed seems to work, but whenever I scan a photo, there's a wide black border. Any way to get rid of this?" I looked at the program he was using. It was a very primitive one that doesn't let you preview the image before scanning. So I showed him how to cut the black borders once he scanned in the picture. * Customer: "But while scanning, the picture still has that thick black border, and it's using up my printer ink!" ======= I was working for a computer education company, setting up the classes. One week we were training for Cisco routers. To do this, another training company sent us six routers in two cargo boxes locked with combination locks. The sheet of paper with the combinations was shipped securely inside. ======= I work as a trainee in a program development company. Once I took a phone call from a young man, trying to have an encyclopedia cdrom installed and running. Not being a regular tech support man, I had a long discussion while I tried to understand why the software wouldn't work properly. I finally had to go on site and find out by myself. When I got there, I discovered by reading the readme.txt that the cdrom was shipped with a hardware key (a dongle) that was supposed to be plugged in the back of the computer to prevent piracy. I asked the customer where he'd put the thing, and then he confessed he "borrowed" the CD from an uncle. I took some time to explain the young guy what a dongle was and why he would never succeed in installing and running the thing if he couldn't plug one in. I left and came back to work. Fifteen minutes later, a colleague came in and told me he saw and heard the young guy in the locale locksmith's boutique and trying to buy a hardware key. ======= Some ten years ago, I worked for a company who produced mainframe terminal emulation software. A local authority in the UK was running this software over a local area network. In fact it was practically the only thing they ran over the network. You could sometimes see local government officials walking along the corridors holding floppy disks -- "sharing" a file with other users. They were happy with our software until they moved into a spanking new office block. Suddenly, the network started performing very slowly. Active sessions on the host were constantly timing out and being disconnected. I went to the site and found that sure enough, there were vast numbers of bad network packets being generated and discarded, even at low network usage rates. Rather desperately looking at the back of a PC for inspiration, I noticed ordinary flat pair cable (i.e., telephone cord) connecting its net adapter card to a jack in a wall socket. All the PCs in the building were the same. On a shelf above the network administrator's desk were the manuals for that particular net adapter card, all of them still wrapped in cellophane. I opened the first and read out loud the sentence which stated that the card required twisted pair or co-axial cable. Ta-daah! However, replacing all the PC-to-connector cables in the building with co-ax failed to produce much improvement. Eventually, one of the authority's IT "experts" admitted that their entire local network ran on flat pair cabling, over three quarters of a mile of it, all of which was completely buried behind the plaster! (The building had been expensively converted and decorated to their very strict specifications.) ======= * Customer: "What good is a wireless antenna if there's no wire to connect it to the computer?" ======= An adventure at Staples: * Me: "I would like a Jaz cartridge, please." * Salesman: "There's a music store across the street." ======= I work with someone who has very, very little real computer experience. He was one of the first people in the office to get a PC (most of us had UNIX machines before), and the first thing he did was delete everything he didn't want -- things like the networking software he needs to connect to our network. Some time ago, his Jaz drive broke. I told him it was broken and that he should use his office charge card to buy a new one and then I'd install it for him. He bought a new one. He spent the better part of two weeks trying to install it himself. It took him that long to figure out he didn't have the right SCSI adapter in his computer. (I had scavenged the Jaz card from his system after the old one broke, and I had told him that he'd need a new Jaz card, too -- but he didn't believe me.) After finally realizing he needed a new card, he bought one, installed it, and tried again. It still didn't work. He wracked his brain. He emailed me: "My jazz drive still isn't quite right and I wanted to ask you a question about it. In the beginning of pentium time, we purchased this machine before we had Nt, correct? So, was this jazz drive installed initially with win95 software? And then when we went to NT, did you have to run the NT software for Jazz on my machine or am i still running win95 alone (i doubt that)(doesn't make sense to me)? Please help me get with the program here..." His machine is running Windows 95. It has always been running Windows 95. The NT machines he refers to were all purchased later. He still, to this day, and no matter what I say otherwise, thinks that somehow the act of networking his computer turned it into something else. He talks about the difference between "stand alone" and "networked" computers all the time, as if there was some mystical difference between the two, something other than the fact that one has networking software installed and the other doesn't. As far as I know, he's still trying to get that Jaz drive to work. ======= A user came to me conversationally one day, talking about the advances in wireless solutions and handheld computing, and at first the conversation seemed quite intelligent and informed. I happily shared with him my thoughts about the market, my beliefs about coming trends and potential bottlenecks to progress, and so forth. He nodded, smiled, offered vague but promising thoughts in reply, and then caught me completely off guard with his next question: "So I can get rid of my desktop and go wireless, right?" Figuring he was being hypothetical -- and making some broad assumptions about what sorts of things he needed to do -- I said, "Probably, yes. It depends on what you need to do, of course." HUGE mistake. The next thing I knew, my team received a call to take away his desktop computer, and "install all his software on his new wireless." He had purchased a Windows CE handheld -- a particularly non-mainstream model without much support -- and wanted to do away with his desktop PC completely. Unfortunately, his job required him to use several custom Word templates, Outlook in Corporate Workgroup mode with several add-on applets, and a few other programs that did not exist for CE. I explained to him that he would not be able to do his job without a PC, and that the software we used would not run on a handheld. I also did my best to explain that, as far as I knew, his device was not 'wireless ready' since it did not include a modem or NIC of any kind, nor did I believe one was made for the model he bought. This was not acceptable to him at all, and he became quite angry and hostile. He insisted that he "paid extra" for "a Windows one" to be sure it would work, and pointed to the Pocket Word icon. "See?" he all but shouted. "It runs Windows just fine. I don't care what rules you have about licensing, you put all my applications onto the wireless right now!" I tried reasoning with him. I explained again that Windows 2000 and Windows CE were different operating systems. I showed him the storage memory (16 megabytes total) and explained that even if the applications were compatible, they wouldn't fit into the handheld's limited storage. And I explained to him that the handheld PC he bought was not "wireless," had no capacity to be "wireless," and that if someone had told him it was "wireless ready" or even "wireless upgradable" I would very much like to talk to them to find out why. He seemed to take this well, then later that day, my direct supervisor (the VP) called me down to ask me what was going on. The individual in question had ranted to him for half an hour asking why a "technically stupid" and "clearly incompetent" person was running the company's IT department, that I told him "wildly implausible" stories to prevent him from "going wireless" like "everyone else." His theory was that I was "angry that the company wouldn't buy me a wireless," and I was trying to sabotage his use of one. I suggested a three-way conference, face to face, to resolve the matter. All parties agreed. I drew up a list of statements, quotes, and accusations, and prepared to address them, one by one. Over the course of two and a half excruciating hours, we spoke. I ascertained the depth of his lunacy. He believed that, because most other versions of Windows were compatible (he cited the presence of Solitaire on "all systems he'd ever seen" as proof), Windows CE must be fully compatible with Windows 2000. Because it "didn't make sense" to him that the system only had 16 megabytes of memory, he assumed it was a misprint. The coup de grace, however, was when I asked him what made him think the handheld PC he bought was "wireless." Did someone tell him that it was? Smugly, he held up the unit, and shouted at me, "DO YOU SEE ANY WIRES ATTACHED? I DIDN'T THINK SO!" Apparently, he believed the absence of physical cabling made it a "wireless device." When I asked him how he thought it communicated with anything else, he answered, "The infrared port connects to a satellite, and I get broadband speeds." This was too much to bear. I said nothing more, save pleasantries. The fellow left the company a few months later. I can only assume he's standing on a mountaintop somewhere, infrared port skyward, opening Pocket Explorer and wondering if it would work if he tipped his hand a little. * Customer: "Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, won't other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there?" * Tech Support: "No, that's not possible." * Customer: "You see it on the TV all the time." ======= * Me: "DSL is a lot faster. It--" * Friend's Father: "Yeah, but if you have DSL, there are a lot of threats." * Me: "Yes, that's true to a degree, but there are firewalls that--" * Friend's Father: "No, but they can hack into your computer even when it's off and steal your electricity." * Me: "Umm...I'm pretty sure that won't happen." * Friend's Father: "It's all over the news. You mean to tell me they're wrong?" * Me: "...I guess so." ======= While working the customer service desk at Staples, a white-haired gentleman came up with a DSL filter and asked if we sold them. We did, and I told him where they were located. Then he asked me if I knew anything about them. * Me: "Well, there really isn't a whole lot to it. What did you want to know?" * Customer: "Well, here's the thing. I'm dealing with some computer hackers, and they've managed to blow this thing, so I need something stronger." * Me: "Um, I don't think that's the problem." * Customer: "You know, there must be a huge amount of benefit and enjoyment in this whole hacking thing if they go to such lengths. If I don't get something stronger they'll just blow the next one." * Me: "Well, a DSL filter is a DSL filter. They don't really come in strengths. What you're saying really isn't possible." * Customer: (waving the DSL filter) "They did it!" * Me: "Sir, it is physically impossible to destroy computer hardware remotely via hacking. Something else must have happened if the filter blew." * Customer: "Well, you can go ahead and believe that if you want to." ======= I have both a laptop and cell phone that are bluetooth-compatible. I tried to show my mother how I could connect the two pieces of equipment. * Me: "See? I confirm the request, and they're connected." * Mom: "Don't do that! I don't want my voice on the internet!" ======= I work for the computer help desk of a large university. One of our more memorable clients is infamous for what I can only describe as techno-paranoia. The last time she called to tell us we were going to have to do something about the "Internet Communists." She was convinced that they were getting into her PC through her television and putting typographical errors in her word processing files. "They weren't there before," she insisted, "and I don't make those kinds of mistakes!" ======= About a year ago, a customer from Roswell, NM, called in to place an order. To break the ice, I jokingly asked if he or any of his neighbors had seen any aliens lately. The guy laughed and proceeded to tell me all about the crazies (his word, not mine) that not only live in Roswell but who come on vacation there in hopes of seeing a UFO themselves. As he talked, I processed the order, and the last bit of information I needed to complete it was the guy's email address for marketing purposes. * Customer: "Email! I won't have anything to do with that Internet or modems of any sort! You should be careful about those. Don't you know that once you install a modem, the government can look into your computer and watch everything you do? That's why every night before I go to bed, I turn the monitor to the wall." ======= I know a woman that believes there is a hacker attacking her computer. Every time there is a problem, or she gets an error message she is convinced it is "the hacker" messing with her. Almost every day she tells me "The hacker made me lose my document" or "The hacker made my email return with a wrong address message" or "The hacker made Explorer freeze today" or "The hacker made Napster lose its connection today" or "The hacker made a floppy unreadable" or "The hacker made the printer jam." She has even assumed her imaginary enemy has superhuman powers. When I tell her some of the things she says are impossible to do, she says, "He knows how to do it. He is a genius." She is sure this guy exists, and he devotes enormous resources and several hours a day, seven days a week to the sole purpose of bothering her. ======= I got a call from a user telling me that there was a set of eyeballs looking at her from the software I wrote. She sounded really worried about that. I connected remotely to her computer, and it appeared that she had the paper clip MS assistant on her screen. ======= Once I helped a friend get online for the first time. * Me: "Ok, do you have your Internet Explorer ope--" * Him: "What!? Your Internet EXPLODED?" He was hysterical. I explained it all to him, but he was still terrified. Later, when I was done showing him how to surf the web, he asked: * Him: "Are you sure the Internet is safe to use?" ======= * Customer: "I think I've broken my computer! There's a message across the screen that says: 'It is now safe to turn off your PC.' WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!" ======= TV channel 11 in Atlanta has just advised us to turn off "and unplug" our home computers to keep them from being vandalized by web site hackers. This is the same station that told us our cars weren't going to start on the morning of January 1, 2000, because of the Y2K problem. I've just written to them to try to clue them in that most web sites aren't hosted on home computers. But the "and unplug" was the amusing part. ======= At the end of the eighties I was working for a company that made software for doctor's offices. I frequently gave demonstrations to small groups of physicians. One of the main concerns was safety. There was so much talk about hackers. Would their patient records be safe from intruders? I explained to them that one could only get into a computer from outside the office if the modem was on, and the computer was running a communication program and acting as a host. At that time, this was a rare situation in private practice. But even the most powerful argument I could think of, "You can't break into a computer that's turned off," did not have the impact I had hoped for. One way or the other they were convinced that a clever hacker would not be stopped by such a trivial problem! ======= I was an editor for my high school's newspaper for a couple years. The newspaper and the yearbook staffs shared a computer lab, because it was too costly to keep separate ones. The yearbook advisor (a little off her rocker) was convinced that we newspaper students were sneaking into the journalism room at night, removing all the memory from the computers, and selling on the black market for a higher price. The reason she believed this is that we always got type 11 errors (Mac), and she thought that since they had to do with memory and the computers were fairly new, one of us had to be physically doing something to the memory. She finally went and told the principal. He, not being much smarter than she, proceeded to tell our newspaper advisor about our "illegal activities," and she laughed him out of the room. The only thing that really happened is that the yearbook lady finally had a police officer come in and lecture us about the harm of stealing school property. ======= A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97. * Tech Support: "Sir, did you just install Office 97?" * Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????" (click) ======= I was once using the generic telnet program on the library computers to check my mail on UTM (the local university) with Pine. The computer-inept librarian walked up behind me. * Her: (shrieking) "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" * Me: "I'm checking my email--" * Her: "It looks like you're breaking into the computer!!" * Me: "No really -- I'm checking my mail." * Her: "But that's not HOTMAIL!!" * Me: "I don't use hotmail. I use--" * Her: "But EVERYONE uses HOTMAIL!!" * Me: "No, my account goes through UTM. My email account ends with--" * Her: "But that's not what MYYY UTM looks like!!" (apparently referring to the UTM web page) * Me: "Yes, I'm telnetting. It's another way of accessing--" * Her: "I think you better shut that off. You're breaking into the computer." * Me: "But I--" * Her: "Turn it off. I don't believe that 'checking mail' story." ======= When in college, I had to make a fake advertisement for a class. I had a GIF that I downloaded that I wanted to put into it, so I sat down at the only Mac that was connected to the scanner in the school's computer lab. For some reason, it couldn't open the file, and the program crashed repeatedly. I got a lab technician to come over, and I explained the problem. She asked what I did to it and got angry with me. So I went to the Mac next to the one I was on and opened the picture in the same program. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was responsible for ruining the computer. * Me: "I scanned these pictures in, then tried to open this GIF I downloaded." * Her: "What? You can't do that! That type of a file is for Windows machines only! It isn't supported on Macs." * Me: "No, it is a standard graphic file. It can be opened on either machine." * Her: "No it can't! You might have to pay to fix this." * Me: "If it can't open on a Mac, how did I get it to open on this Mac right here? See?" * Her: "Don't do that! You're gonna break that one also." To protect her computer from evil me, she leaned over and flipped the power switch off. ======= Back in the beginning af the 90s I worked as a technician in an university, and my job was to keep the PCs and Macs at the department connected to the university network. At this time, the network cabling was a coaxial cable in each floor in the building, terminated in both ends, and the computers were connected to this cable by using a T-connector directly at the main coaxial cable. This also meant that when we cut the cable to hook up a new computer, the computers at the other end lost the connection to the network. One day, more than three quarters of the computers lost their connection, and the telephone went red from angry employees not being able to print. After a lot of work, we found the problem. One of the professors, convinced that this computer network was a threat to his health, had cut the coaxial cable and removed the part of it that was running through his office. We were not able to convince him that there was no harm in having the cable there, so altered the cabling so it wouldn't run through his office. Afterward, the professor was angry that he was not able to use the big laserjet printers that everybody else used. ======= * Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, we require a credit card or checking account in order to sign up on our service." * Customer: "Well, I saw on the news that I should never give out my credit card information!" * Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, we have to have a way to bill you." * Customer: "No other service does this!" * Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the others don't allow you to use a checking account." * Customer: "No honest company would ask me for my credit card information!" ======= * Tech Support: "May I have your phone number, sir?" * Customer: "I don't give out my phone number!" * Tech Support: "All right. How may I help you, sir?" * Customer: "How much for your Internet service?" I gave him the prices. * Customer: "If I own the software why do you keep charging for it?" * Tech Support: "Well, sir, the software is free, but you are charged for being online." * Customer: "YOU CONNECT YOUR COMPUTER TO THE PHONE LINE?!?" * Tech Support: "Well, sir, you do use a modem to dial online." * Customer: "I WILL NEVER HOOK MY COMPUTER TO MY PHONE!!!!" (click) ======= The second day I worked doing phone tech support, I was called by an elderly woman who was sobbing and panicked. After spending twenty minutes getting her calmed down, I finally found out what her problem was. She had been on the Internet and recieved the ever-popular message "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." Immediately afterward, she had heard police sirens down the road and thought, "They're coming to lock me up!" ======= I've done my time in tech support and have managed to live through some very weird calls, but this one was the best. An older lady bought a brand new desktop system with all the extras and had been using it for about a month when she got an error about an "illegal function." She took apart the whole system down to the hard drive and hid it in different parts of her house, called us, and wanted to know how much longer she had until the police were going to come get her. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time on the phone putting the system back together. ======= I work as a computer tech at a community college. Most of our computers are currently running Windows 95. One day, an officer from our security department stopped by to talk to me. His face looked grim. He pulled me quietly aside. * Officer: "We have a new part time person working in our office who uses the computer, and I have to ask you something, but you need to keep this confidential." * Me: "Ok, what's the problem?" * Officer: "Well, over the past two or three days I've glanced over at the new person's computer, and several times I've seen a message that says 'You have performed an illegal operation,' but he keeps clearing it by clicking something. I need to find out what he's doing wrong and if we should call the local police." He looked so scared and serious, I had a hard time containing my laughter. ======= One of my users recently came into the workforce and is literally terrified of her computer. Each sound it makes be it from the speaker or random drive noises causes her to flinch and turn pale. She sits at a custom-built wraparound desk surrounded by her computer, the switchboard, an electric typewriter (she hates that too), and the postal meter. In order to point at the screen I have to stand directly behind her chair. She was having great problems with the telecoms software convincing herself that she really had downloaded the file. In order to demonstrate that the "dir" command would show her that her files really were in the directory I chose the c:\dos directory to use it on. When the dozens of filenames flickered down the screen she was so panicked that she thrust her chair backwards crushing me between the chair and the typewriter. To simplify things, I installed Windows 95 and demonstrated how to move files from the folder to the trash can. Later I wandered by her desk and noticed a forest of icons surrounding her trash can. She hadn't managed to hit it once. ======= I work for a nationwide ISP, doing overnight technical support. A man who had immigrated from Croatia called to ask us, in his thick eastern European accent, mind you, why we were kicking him offline. * Customer: "Why do you guys keep kicking me offline?" * Tech Support: "Can you hold on a moment while I look at your account logs?" * Customer: "Sure, but please hurry." * Tech Support: "Ok." ... "Hi, thanks for holding. It looks like our servers are reporting that either your modem is hanging up like a normal disconnect, or the connection is just being lost. This is usually attributed to line noise. I'd advise you get in touch with--" * Customer: "No, that is not what it is!" * Tech Support: "Well, that would normally be the first place I'd look. The modems are just losing touch with each--" * Customer: "All right. Apparently they do not tell you everything there. What I'm trying to look at are some Croatian newspapers to keep up with what's going on in my old country. The government did not like me when I was there and they do not like me being in touch with my family and events there today." * Tech Support: "Sir, the government there cannot disconnect you from the Internet here. You are in the United St--" * Customer: "My government was very powerful. They can do lots of things you would never imagine." * Tech Support: "I'm sure in Croatia, the government would have the power to disconnect you from the Internet. The service providers are under their jurisdiction there. However, in America, there is nothing they could do to force our computers to knock you off line. You're safe. I'm telling you, the first and foremost place I'd look is the telephone company to have them do what's called a 'data grade check'--" * Customer: "No, no, no. That is alright. I just wanted to know if you were doing it intentionally, or if it was them. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night." ======= At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up. ======= * Customer: "I had an important document that was password protected, and I can't get in it. I don't know the password." * Tech Support: "Ok, we do have a program the get passwords from Word documents. Can you email me the document?" * Customer: "No, it is very sensitive. That's why it was password protected. I won't even keep the file on the server. I keep it secure on a floppy." * Tech Support: "It would be much safer if you kept it on the server. Floppies are easily corrupted. At least on the server it would be backed up each night." * Customer: "That is exactly what I don't want to happen. For legal reasons, I don't want any copies of this file. I want you to come down here and get the password for me." * Tech Support: "I'm not in the same office as you are, so I'll need to send someone there to your desk to help you out." * Customer: "Have them call ahead first so I can get security here when they are work with the file." * Tech Support: "Security? Sir, We sign a non-disclosure agreement, so that won't be necessary." * Customer: "Yes, it will be necessary! This is a very important and sensitive document, and we don't want anyone touching it without some security." * Tech Support: "Ok, that's fine. I'll let them know to bring the password software so they can get the password you forgot." * Customer: "I didn't forget it!" * Tech Support: "Excuse me?" * Customer: "I didn't have to remember it." * Tech Support: "What do you mean?" * Customer: "The password was written on a yellow post-it note attached to the disk and must had fallen off. It has be somewhere on my desk, but there are so many papers here I can't find it!" I had to mute the phone so they wouldn't hear me laughing. I used to work for MacWarehouse as a tech support representative. One day a gentleman called who had never had a computer before. He was trying to set up his new system. I tried and I tried but I just couldn't make him understand where to plug the cables in. Finally I looked up the details on his order. He had ordered top-of-the-line everything -- monitor, keyboard, printer, modem, scanner, speakers, CD-ROM drive, external hard drive......except, he had not ordered the actual computer itself. No wonder the cables would not plug in anywhere. ======= * Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?" * Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help." * Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?" * Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device." * Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?" * Tech Support: "Yes." * Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?" ======= * Customer: "Do I need a monitor? I have everything else." * Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am." * Customer: "Why? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of." ======= On one occasion, a lady came into the store, apparently interested in buying a home computer. After surveying the models on display, she walked over to one and pointed to the monitor and keyboard saying, "I think I need one of these, and one of those...." She then pointed to the CPU and continued, "...but I don't think I need one of those." ======= I work for a technical college in Georgia as the only tech support staff on campus. A few days ago, I had a gentlemen ask me about purchasing a PC. * Him: "I'm looking at purchasing this Dell. Do you think I will need My Computer? Or what about My Documents? How much do they cost?" * Me: "Sir, that comes with all Windows machines." * Him: "Oh wow! I thought you had to pay extra for those!" ======= My brother-in-law was going to buy my sister a new computer for her birthday. He told me he was even going to buy her a copy of Google for it. She's so lucky. ======= Well, I had one event happen to me, where one lady had just bought a Apple IIc and complained that she was having problems with her monitor, so we told her to bring her monitor in, and we'd check it out. So she brings her monitor in, and we plug it in, and it works without a flaw. We tell her that the monitor isn't the problem, and to bring her CPU in. She stares at us blankly, and asks, "What's the CPU?" Joe explains that it's the piece of equipment that all your devices plug into. So about twenty minutes later, she returns and walks in carrying the surge supressor. When we explained to her the item that we needed her to bring in, she replied, "Oh you mean the keyboard!" (On Apple IIc's, the CPU box and keyboard are part of the same unit.) And to make this all the more interesting, she was a gradeschool computer class instructor. ======= Back in the mid-eighties, the high school I went to had just purchased a handful of 8086s along with some basic hardware -- at that time these things still were horribly expensive. A few weeks later, the computer lab was broken into and some of the hardware stolen. But the computers themselves had been left untouched: only the monitors and keyboards were gone. Apparently, the only computers the thieves had known were C64s or Apple II's, where the computer and keyboard are part of the same unit. Imagine the frustration when these guys tried to get the stolen machines to work! ======= This one happened while replacing PCs with laptops for the customer support staff. The replacement plan included leaving the desktop PC in the office for a week or so as a backup. It was unplugged but left there in case something went wrong. After the week was over and no problems occurred, I went around to collect the PCs and return them to the pool. I showed up to retreive the PC from one very nice but confused lady who asked me how she was going to be able to work if I took her computer away? It tured out she had been turning on her PC every day, as well as her laptop, and could not figure out how the laptop would work without the PC there. ======= I was one of a group of students who would help other students and teachers at my high school with computer problems. One day I got a call from a teacher saying that her computer was not working at all. I went to her room to find a perfectly good Mac PowerPC on her desk. With one problem. * Me: "Excuse me, ma'am. Where's the keyboard?" * Teacher: "Oh, it's over there in my travel bag." ======= A man who owned a small business asked me to program a sales and inventory system for him. He was replacing his old 286 PC and had been running a DOS-based program. He wanted all the bells and whistles, wanted it browser-driven, with images of all the products in his inventory. But the most important thing to him was that it all run off of floppies -- his 286's hard drive had crashed in the past and he lost all his records, so now he didn't trust hard drives. Not only did he want the whole thing on floppies, he wanted to be able to do a backup onto one floppy every night. The other thing was that he didn't want to use a mouse or any other sort of pointing device. ======= A while back, a friend of mine and I were discussing his new computer when he made a comparison to another friend's computer and said, "I know mine's better because it's bigger." I had a hard time not laughing. ======= I went with a friend to help him shop for a computer. Looking through the different varieties, he said, "I don't think I can afford one of these big ones [desktop machines]. I think I'll have to go with one of these little ones [laptops]." ======= I was advising a friend on a used PC she was considering buying from a friend. I asked the friend if it was a Pentium PC, and he laughed, "All computers have Pentium processors!" ======= A few years ago I was watching TV with a few other people in my college dorm lounge. A commercial for the Pentium II came on. That prompted one of the girls to ask everyone, "Ok, what the heck does that Pentium thing DO in a computer, anyway?" ======= * Customer: "Give me something PENTIUM! I don't want none of that INTEL ****!" ======= One customer came into our computer store and asked for a parallel cable. As I showed him said cable, he said that that wasn't it. After some time I figured out that what he thought was the parallel port was actually four USB-ports on a card. As they were "parallel" they must be the parallel port! I tried to explain this, but he became more and more irate, demanding me to acknowledge that a USB cable is only one fourth as fast as a parallel cable, and accused me of trying to sell him inferior technology. After a while I gave up and sold four USB cables and assured him he could make a "real" parallel cable out of those. ======= I was in our University Bookstore the other day looking at software when I overheard a salesman talking to a lady about an iMac. * Salesman: "It has a built in color monitor and comes with a mouse and keyboard--" * Customer: "Does this thing come with a battery backup system?" * Salesman: "No, but we have one over there for $99.00. Do you have problems with power outages?" * Customer: "No, but I don't want to lose all of my Microsoft documents everytime I turn off the computer!" * Salesman: "You don't need a battery backup for that. That's why it has a 4 gigabyte hard drive." * Customer: "A hard what?" * Salesman: "A hard drive. It's like a whole bunch of floppy disks inside your computer that you can store documents on." * Customer: "I want the battery backup." * Salesman: "You don't need it." * Customer: "Why?" ======= * Friend: "My 486 is getting too slow; I want to upgrade it. Do you think a couple megabyte SmartDrive would help?" ======= I own a computer store. One day, two policemen came into the store and told that they owned a 486 and a 286. They asked if a 486 and a 286 could be assembled together into a 686. I replied to the dumb request by asking them if two 200 horsepower police cars can be used to make up a 400 horsepower Ferrari. The policemen didn't get it and replied angrily that altering car engines is strictly forbidden by law. ======= I was working on my computer one day, and one of my friends came up to me. He said, in a tone that suggested he thought my computer was inferior to his, "Is your computer DIGITAL?" ======= I burned a CD with some multimedia stuff on it for a friend of a friend. He couldn't get them working, because, it turned out, he had a 486 with 8 megs of RAM. * Him: "How come they don't work?" * Me: "You need a new motherboard, CPU, case, power supply, lots more RAM, and maybe a new video card." * Him: "Can you download them for me?" ======= * Customer: "I'd like to buy 2.5 gigabyte hard disk for my 286." The machine didn't even have an IDE controller, so I had to explain there was no way he could get the disk. * Customer: "OK, I'LL GET IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE THEN!" ======= Sometime in the late 1990s, I had a friend who was an Amiga fanatic and would spend hours telling us how they were the most powerful, versatile, flawless machines ever conceived by man. I went with him when he bought his new A-4000 and some 3D modelling software. He told us how it will render true 3D in almost real time. I shrugged, watched him set the thing up, and load the software. He fed the thing a wireframe and gave it some textures and background elements. Six days later, the computer finished rendering the first frame. He explained later that he discovered he only had 2 megs of RAM and had ordered 4. "Isn't that still kind of pathetic?" I asked. "My girlfriend's HP has 16." He said, "Well, Amigas use everything so much more efficiently, so it compares to a PC with gigabytes of RAM. It's enough to hack your IBM through the power outlet." I gave up all sense of restraint and must have laughed for 20 minutes. ======= I am the tech consultant for a computer repair company, but we also sell computers. Once, I had a teen walk in and say he wanted a gaming PC. I asked what kind of games he wanted to play. * Him: "Maybe I could get an Apple II to play Halo -- that's going to be about $20, right?" I laughed and said that an Apple II wasn't going to cut it and that a PC that Halo could run on would run about $600. It wasn't what he wanted to hear. * Him: "Ok, how about a 50 megabyte hard drive, to make my other computer run faster?" ======= I work in an office for a major bank, which doesn't have an on-site IT technician. As I know more than most people there about computers, it falls to me to fill the role of IT coordinator. My immediate boss, no matter how many times I explain it to him, insists on calling the CPU tower of a PC "the hard drive." Although it caused some confusion to begin with, I generally know what he means and ignore it, and the job gets done. But this came to a head a while ago when we had some extra work coming in, and we needed 20 new PCs, which my boss dutifully ordered. When the shipment came in, it was in a suspiciously small box. Of course my boss had put in a call asking for "20 new hard drives," and of course that's what we'd been sent. The funniest part was listening to one side of a telephone conversation in which he angrily complained that he'd wanted "HARD DRIVES, not this box of useless junk!" I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on. ======= At my high school, a computer science class student was having trouble getting his computer to work. The computer was one of those where the monitor could plug into it for power instead of having the monitor plug directly into the wall. Well, this student's computer had the monitor plugged into the wall, and the computer plugged into itself. ======= I work in the IT department of a local hospital. One night at 3am, I got a call that one of the PCs in reception had been shut down, and they couldn't switch it back on. I described how to power it up over the phone, but it was no use. So I drove in, walked up to the PC, and pressed the little gray button on the front. * Receptionist: "How did you do that???" * Me: "I just switched the power on." * Receptionist: "Ah well, we're not as computer literate as you." ======= * Customer: "My computer won't work. You guys must have broken it when you installed the modem." * Tech Support: "What happens when you turn it on?" * Customer: "It won't turn on anymore!!!!!" * Tech Support: "So you don't see any lights or hear any noise?" * Customer: "I'm telling you it WON'T TURN ON." * Tech Support: "Is it plugged in? * Customer: "OF COURSE it's plugged in, you MORON!" * Tech Support: "When you push the power button it--" * Customer: "Power button? This computer doesn't have a power button." * Tech Support: "Sir, all computers have power buttons. Look at the front of the case, find the word 'power,' and push the button." * Customer: "YOU FIXED IT!! Thanks!!!!" ======= * Tech Support: "How may I help you?" * Customer: "I was workin' on this here computer an' it dun sum'er'other, now it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Okay so what's happening now?" * Customer: "Nothin' it's just sittin' all black!" * Tech Support: "All right, go ahead and press the power button and hold it down for about ten seconds." * Customer: "Sure. ... Now what?" * Tech Support: "Let go of the power button and press it again like you're turning it on." * Customer: "Holy CRAP! It's workin' now!" ======= * Customer: "Ok, I've turned the computer off, then on again. It still says, 'Safe to power off, or press any key to reboot'?" * Tech Support: "No, not the monitor switch, the CPU switch." ======= * Customer: "If I unplug my computer, will it shut off?" ======= I worked as a technician for a company that sold computers. One time a woman was having trouble turning on her computer. I stopped by her house and quickly discovered the problem. She had gotten into the habit of turning the computer on by first pressing the power switch on the computer, then the power switch on the monitor. But somehow, they had gotten out of sync, so when the computer was on, the monitor was off, or vice versa. So no matter how many times she flipped both switches, the computer just wouldn't seem to work. ======= I work in tech support for an ISP. I got a call from one of our more troublesome users. Her computer was having some difficulty connecting, so, since it was a Windows machine, I suggested the most common fix-it, rebooting. * Me: "Have you tried rebooting your computer?" * Customer: "What?! Oh no, you never, EVER, reboot a computer!" * Me: "Ma'am, I can assure you that it's perfectly safe to--" * Customer: "No! If I went to the president of Milicron (a computer manufacturer) and told him that you said to reboot my machine, he would just laugh at that! You don't ever reboot a computer!" * Me: "Well, something like that might be reasonable if it were a large server or something, but rebooting your PC won't cause any--" * Customer: "No! No! No!" (click) ======= * Customer: "I bought this computer from you two hours ago, and it doesn't work! I want my money back!" * Store Clerk: "Let me see..." So I plugged the computer in and turned it on. I showed him that it was working, then I turned it off. * Store Clerk: "Sir, this computer does work. I'm afraid we can't take it back." * Customer: "How in the world did you turn it on?" * Store Clerk: "I pressed the power switch." * Customer: "You must have pressed something else, because I know for a fact that the power switch doesn't work!" He reached over and pressed the reset button repeatedly. * Customer: "You see?" * Store Clerk: "Sir, that's the reset button. This is the power switch." * Customer: "That's a switch? I thought it was a decoration!" ======= There was a fresh influx of new employees at my place of work, which used Sun workstations. These particular workstations had extremely well hidden power switches, so I was fielding questions about turning on the computers for a few weeks. Most were simply "Where's the stupid power switch?" but one was unique. A new employee came around and said she had a problem turning on her computer. I started to tell her where to find the power switch, but she interrupted me. "Oh no," she said. "I found the switch, but I don't know which way to flip it." ======= A lady in our department bought a new computer but coudn't get it to work. I told her to bring it in, and I'd take a look at it. Next day she dropped it off, and I checked it out. All was fine. She took it home. Next day, she came in and said it still didn't work. I told her to bring the monitor in, thinking maybe it was dead. Next day, same story, no problem with the monitor. When I saw her later, I told her this and that she should take the monitor home and, if it still didn't work, bring everything in. Next day, she dropped by my office with all she had. I set it on the table, plugged everything in, flipped the CPU power switch, and she leaned in real close, wide-eyed. "Wait!!" she exclaimed. "What was that you just did?!?!?" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, so your monitor is not working, the screen is blank, and no matter what you do it stays blank? Do you see that button on the bottom right hand side of the screen? Press it. . . . Great, talk to you next time!" ======= A user once called me and asked me how to shut down her computer. I told her, "Click on start, then shutdown, then select shutdown from the list, and click on OK." About thirty minutes later I got a call back from her. "I did what you said, and now my screen is all black and I can't do anything on my computer!" ======= I'm on a team of students who go around the high school and fix computer problems on campus. It's an old high school with old teachers (one refused to give up his PC-DOS 3.30 manual and disks because he thought he might need it again someday). Anyway, while working on one of the computer labs, which was run by one of the dumber teachers, I discovered a sign on one of the keyboards: "Computer died today - RIP." I pressed the power button, and, sure enough, nothing happened. On a whim, I reached behind the computer and pushed in the power cord. Sure enough, it sprang to life. The amazing part is what happened next. The login screen showed that the last student to use the computer had graduated two years before. ======= I do tech support at a computer parts vendor and system builder. I take calls from dealers and other technical professionals. Last week I had a call from a woman who began her call by giving me a long listing of her credentials, beginning with her four years at MIT, covering her ten plus years of service in the tech support departments of various technology corporations, and ending with her forming a successful computer consulting and repair service. Then she asked her question: * Customer: "Do I have to plug in this new power supply to make it work?" ======= This poor woman. She called our help desk in the middle of installing a new PCI card. She asked if she could cut the "ropes" because they were in her way. She had actually gotten scissors out. I explained that the ropes were power cables, and cutting them would cause her computer to stop functioning. Then I started to explain how to install the PCI card, when I heard her say, "Ouch!" as there was a grinding noise. She said her hand had accidentally touched the fan. The computer was still on! ======= Working as a service technician for a large telecommunications equipment manufacturer, I was forwarded a call from the helpdesk concerning a woman whose Macintosh IIfx had what appeared to be a bad power supply. I went out and replaced it. Several hours later, I was again forwarded a call from the same woman asking for me by name. She stated that the power supply had not fixed the problem and that her machine kept shutting itself off. It figured, while improbable, the new power supply might have been bad, so I grabbed another one and went to check the system out. When I got there, she was typing away, saying it had come back on just after we had hung up. I told her that I had brought a new power supply with me and, to play it safe, it might be wise if I replaced it anyway. So I replaced the power supply and fired the machine up. While it was booting, she fidgeted with the lampshade on a small desk lamp. Making idle conversation, she explained that she had just bought the lamp for extra light but that it usually caused bad glare on her screen. * Me: "You might try moving it somewhere else than right next to your computer." * Her: "Well, I like it where it is, and I just shut it off when I'm having trouble seeing the screen." She demonstrated by reaching down and turning off the little red switch on her power strip. * Her: "See, see...there it goes again!" ======= I visited a customer site. The problem was that the computer wasn't powering up. * Customer: "Well, I connected everything, but when I push the power button nothing happens." * Me: "Ok, are you sure you plugged in the power cord?" * Customer: "Yes." I crawled under her desk. No power cord. I sat and turned around, and there she was holding the cord. * Customer: "Oh, I have this, is it important?" Duh! I plugged it in, powered it up, and spent a few minutes setting her computer up for our network and explaining how it works (not surprisingly, this took more time than the actual install). Then she informed me about another problem she was having. * Customer: "I think my printer is broken. It won't turn on. Do you think this will help?" And there she was, holding the power cord for the printer. ======= I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own. Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in. Anyway, the following call came in: * Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?" * Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system." * Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?" * Customer: "Yes, there is." * Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?" * Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know." * Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day." * Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me! I roll my eyes as I continue to type. * Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord." * Tech Support: "One extra cord?" * Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one." At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so. * Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?" * Customer: "On the back of the computer?" * Tech Support: "Yes, sir." * Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..." I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it. * Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?" Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case. ======= * Customer: "Hello? My computer's power just died." * Tech Support: "Ok. Is everyone else's computer in that room working?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "What were you doing right before it went out?" * Customer: "I plugged my curling iron into the power strip." * Tech Support: "Really? What else is plugged into there?" * Customer: "Well, my radio, my space heater, my cup warmer, my printer, my monitor, and my computer." * Tech Support: "Did you unplug anything to plug your curling iron in?" * Customer: "Yes, my space heater." * Tech Support: "Well, unplug the curling iron and plug the space heater back in." * Customer: "Hey! My computer is working now! Is there something wrong with the power strip?" ======= A long time ago, I worked as a helper in a college computer facility. On the first day of a class, the instructor told the students to turn on their machines. He dutifully explained that not only do you have to flip the big switch located at the rear right (these were old XT and AT machines) but also to turn the switch on the monitor. One intelligent-looking fellow followed the instructions to the letter. He flipped both switches but did not see the screen light up. He tried both switches again but still no luck. He tried this for 20 minutes to no avail. You're probably guessing the plug was out, or the contrast knob was turned all the way down. Nope. The computer was already on when he got there, but the monitor was off. He never managed to get both turned on at the same time. ======= We had just purchased a new Power Mac after having used a Performa series Mac for some time. We had been taking turns using the new computer all evening; around 10pm everyone started turning in -- everyone except for mom. She used the computer for a couple more hours and just before going to bed, a problem arose. She kept trying to solve it but to no avail -- so she called tech support for help. * Tech Support: "How can I help you?" * Mom: "Could somebody there please tell me how in the world to shut down my computer...I've been trying to shut down for the past three hours!" * Tech Support: "You just press the button." * Mom: "I've been doing that and the computer keeps restarting!" * Tech Support: "Tell me what you are doing." * Mom: "I go to the 'Special' menu, and then to 'shut down,' and release the mouse button. It doesn't shut down -- it gives me a dialog box that says, 'It is now safe to shut down your computer,' with only one button that says 'restart.' And when I press it, my computer restarts. How do I get it to shut down? It has been restarting for the past three hours!" * Tech Support: "No, not that button. The little white button in front of the computer. You know, the one you use to turn it on." * Mom: "Ohhhhh, that one." Mom feels very embarrassed. In fact, if she needs any assistance from Apple any more, she has ME call them because she thinks that when she gives them her name they will see the word "idiot" next to her name on the screen. I try to tell her it's not as bad as she thinks, but she thinks it is the stupidest thing anyone has ever done. ======= I used to work at an engineering firm that manufactured network cards and as such had a clean room in the area. In order to support someone in the clean room, we needed to drive to the building and get into sterile outfits. This process took approximately 20 minutes. I received a call from an irate woman in her 50s who worked in the clean room. She was yelling in broken English that the computer had not worked for three days. The mouse was broken, the keyboard was broken, and she couldn't do anything with it. She demanded that someone come fix it. So I drove over there, got into a sterile outfit, and when I got to the machine, I saw the caller standing at the keyboard, pounding on it as hard as she could. "See--" WHAM! WHAM! "--it doesn't work." I took one look at the monitor and figured the problem out. It read, "It is now safe to shut off the computer." Luckily for me I was in the clean room outfit which included a full mask, because I was laughing hysterically. ======= One day, our Society Editor was typing away at her terminal. As I passed her desk, she asked me to turn up the brightness on the monitor, because it was too dark. As I leaned over to twist the brightness knob, I noticed that the power switch was in the off position. She had been typing her story on a deactivated computer and didn't even notice. ======= I installed a simple peer to peer network for a client with 2 PC's, and a printer. Everything was fine for a while until I got a panic call: * Customer: "Help me, I can't print or read so-and-so's files anymore." * Tech Support: "Well, can she print and access the files?" * Customer: "No, she's not here today." * Tech Support: "Well, go to her pc and try to print the file." * Customer: "Ok, but I'm kinda busy and it takes so long for her PC to boot up when I turn it on." * Tech Support: "You mean you're trying to print to a printer hooked to her PC and access files on her computer, and it's not turned on?!" * Customer: "No, it's not on; does it have to be?" ======= * Customer: "I'm not getting any activity lights on the hub. Does it have to be turned on?" ======= I work on the helpdesk for a very large hotel chain. One day, one of our hotels called in reporting that the system wouldn't power on. After going through the usual -- making sure that the correct power button is being pressed, checking to see that it's plugged in, checking the outlet, etc -- I had determined that the power supply had probably failed and needed to be replaced. Just as I was about to end the call and dispatch a technician, the desk clerk stated very matter-of-factly, "Oh, by the way, lightning hit our hotel last night. Do you think that might have something to do with it?" ======= A customer telephoned us. His PC had been struck by a power surge caused by lightning. We asked him why he didn't switch off the computer when the storm started. He replied, "I was going to, but it said, 'Please wait while Windows shuts down.'" ======= I am a computer teacher for our elementary school. I recently had a workshop where I was showing the teachers some educational uses for the Internet. Teachers are often the worst students, so I asked them to turn off their monitors so they would listen instead of playing on the computer. I showed them where the monitor button was located. However, when I asked them to turn the monitors back on to use the computer, at least half of them pushed the power button on the actual computer. I sometimes have this problem with my primary students (kindergarten through third grade) if they have never used a computer before. Just like their teachers I guess. ======= * Customer: "I have a PS/2 9556, and it's been running slowly the last couple of days. I know a bit about computers, and I was wondering -- if the battery inside it starts to run down -- could that be causing this?" ======= A customer walked in to the store and said that his radio was broken. So of course I ask if he's checked the batteries. "Yes," he replied, "I'm positive they are fine!" As part of what I was trained to do, I had to check the batteries anyway. This made the customer rather irate, but I simply informed him that it was procedure to check the batteries. And guess what? The batteries were deader than a door. I politely pointed this out. He replied, "But the package says they are good until January 1998!" ======= * Customer: "My palmtop won't turn on." * Tech Support: "Did the battery run out, maybe?" * Customer: "No, it doesn't use batteries. It's Windows powered." ======= I am a process consultant, but a client asked us to help them on a serious IT issue that no specialist could deal with (the freshman look). For weeks, their whole network crashed around 10am almost every day. The server and the PCs were connected to a secure power supply network which was relying on a big set of batteries. (It was a private bank.) Electricians were unable to find out where the problem was. The PCs and the server were all fine, and no special device like a defective backup system was run at 10am. I quickly found the source of the problem. Somewhere, the electicians messed up the installation, and a power socket in the private closet of one of the senior executives was mistakely connected to the secure network. Every day, the new secretary (a real beauty, by the way) went to the closet and refreshed her hairstyle with a 1200 watt heated curling brush...with a defective grounding. The device acted as a short circuit, re-routing the power supply to the ground, causing the standard power supply safety to switch off, then empty the batteries so fast you could see the needles plummeting to empty. The bank fixed the problem by giving the secretary a bonus for her to buy a new heated curling device. She was so pretty and so sad that nobody had the heart to fire her. ======= PC monitors used to all plug into the back of the tower for power. Most of them now plug into the outlet. I wanted to save and outlet and purchase an adapter so I could plug my new monitor into my tower. So I went to a small computer store and described what I wanted. The clerk pointed me to some ordinary wall cords -- I told him what I actually wanted was right next to those, then went and got one and brought it back up to the counter. The clerk protested, saying that particular cord would cause my power supply to "burn out faster." Dumbfounded, I just stared at him and bought it anyway. ======= A friend of mine, who had been using for four years, would still switch the computer off by yanking out the power cord (without shutting down Windows first). Perhaps her professor was at fault. His idea of an exam was to draw, from memory, the appearance of Microsoft Word -- all toolbars, all icons, and so forth. ======= * Tech Support: "What happens when you turn the computer on?" * Customer: "The screen just stays black." * Tech Support: "Is the computer plugged in?" * Customer: "I took it to a repair shop last week, and they apparently fixed it so it doesn't need a power cord anymore." * Tech Support: "Is the computer a laptop computer?" * Customer: "No, but they never gave me back the power cord so they must have fixed it so it didn't need it." * Tech Support: "Go back to the repair store and get your power cord back. They just forgot to give it to you." ======= A laptop user complained that, while hooked up to a docking station in the office, his laptop worked flawlessly, but when he used it at home, it only worked for an hour or so and then died. * Tech Support: "Is it plugged in the mains ok?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Is the mains adapter light on?" * Customer: "It doesn't have one -- just the cable to connect it to the phone." * Tech Support: "No, that's the modem. You should have another lead with a plug to connect the laptop to the mains power." * Customer: "I don't need one of those, though, do I?" * Tech Support: "You do if you want to work for longer than the batteries will last." * Customer: "Oh. I thought that was what the modem was for -- to download more electricity from the office." ======= An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later, she showed up at his door with the power cord. ======= I once instructed a user to power cycle his external modem. What he ended up doing was power cycling the UPS, which happened to have his computer and every terminal in the area plugged into it. ======= One time a guy phoned me to complain that Norton Utilities failed to recover his data after he had switched off the computer without saving his work. ======= A man came in in a panic. He had typed a document the day before and now it was all gone. After some investigation, it turned out that he had saved the document before he had started typing it and, when finished, simply switched the computer off. ======= This started one Sunday afternoon when I was reading the paper. My pager went off, with my boss' home number. I called the boss back, and he told me that the server for a major client site in Dallas (I'm in Chicago) is down. This server handles the database for a distributed security system for a data center. While the security was not comprised, since the equipment runs independent of the server, the client couldn't grant new access, or, more important, couldn't revoke access either. The boss told me he'd tried EVERYTHING. He said to call the site and see what I could do. So I got the head of security on the phone and had him check the basics: * Me: "Is the VT Terminal on?" * Him: "Yes...the light is on." * Me: "Is the MicroVAX on?" * Him: "I think so...how would I know?" * Me: "Is the green light on in the front?" * Him: "Yes." * Me: "Ok. Put your hand behind it on the right side. Do you feel the fan blowing air out?" * Him: "Ah...hold on. Yah." * Me: "Ok. "Is the remote dial in modem on?" * Him: "Yah." * Me: "Ok, turn it off and turn it on again." * Him: "Ok, done." At this point I tried to dial into the system. The modem answered, but after connecting there was no response from TTA1. Not good. * Me: "Go behind the console and on the MicroVAX. You'll see a VERY small square button. Push and hold that button for 10 seconds. Then tell me what you see on the terminal connected to OPA0." * Him: "Ah...ok...ok...ah...pushed it, but nothing happened on the screen. " * Me: "Ok, turn the MicroVAX off, then on again." * Him: "Nothing." * Me: "Hm. Well, I'll give my boss a call and let him know that it's still down. We'll have someone there tomorrow to see what can be done." So I called the boss and told him what went on. He said to bring a change of clothes to work the next day, as I might be taking a trip. Later, at 7:30pm CST, I was standing in front of the site. I walked in and went to the OPA0 terminal. It was on, but there was no response from the server. I wasn't expecting there to be one, but I had to check. So I walked around to the back of the console to hit the HALT switch. Hmm...wait...something missing...ah...why isn't the power supply fan running? Why isn't the green light on? I checked the power switch, and that was ok. The cable was plugged into the power strip. The power strip was plugged into...nothing. One inch from the outlet! Gah! I plugged the strip back in...AH HA! And we have LIFE in that old MicroVAX! I filled out my paper work and stated to the Head of Security that the call would indeed be billable, plane fare and all. But they had an emergency service contract, he said! Yes, but it doesn't cover user error. When I got back, my boss told me the boss of the Head of Security wanted to speak with me. * Client's Boss: "The head of security says that the power strip wasn't unplugged until you got here." * Me: "Really? Not sure what to say to that, why would I unplug it?" * Client's Boss: "He says because you didn't want to tell him what was REALLY wrong." * Me: "Interesting...well, since I was there less than five minutes, and that's all I did do to bring the server back up, I really don't know what else to tell you. You can check the video tape and see that's all I did. I'll even bet you could review them and see who DID unplug it." Two months later, I found out that the company that supplied the security personnel was let go. It seemed the security server had been down for twelve hours before anyone noticed that a janitor had unplugged the power strip to allow his vacuum to run in the next room. ======= I was working on with my friends late into the afternoon when the phone rang. It was a friend of mine. Her computer froze, and she was calling for help. * Friend: "The machine just stopped responding. What should I do?" * Me: "Try resetting the computer. Press Ctrl+Alt+Del." * Friend: "What? What are you talking about?" * Me: "You know, the keys. Press them down simultaneously." * Friend: "Where are they?" * Me: "They are on the keyboard. Look around." * Friend: "I can't find them. What should I do?" * Me: "Ok, just press down the reset button. It is usually located near the power switch." * Friend: "Power switch? I don't know where that is." * Me: "How did you get the computer on?" * Friend: "It was on when I got home." * Me: (frustrated) "I see. Well, just pull the plug from the socket and put it back in." * Friend: "Which plug?" * Me: "The power cord. Unplug it." * Friend: "Which one is it?" * Me: (beaten) "Just leave it alone. I'll stop by after work." ======= While in college I worked part time as a student tutor in the computer lab. I had a number of odd situations in there, including seeing a student with the floppy disk in backwards and hitting it with an open palm to force it in. I also saw someone upset that she could not find the data on her floppy while it was sitting on the desk. But my best was when I was working on my own machine for a while, next to someone at the machine next to me. She was typing in some paper. About half way through it, she turned to me and asked, "Is this thing on?" ======= The following happened to me when I was with DEC Field Service, around 1987 or 1988. A customer logged a call that he occasionally finds his VAX 11/725 (one of the few of that model in The Netherlands) powered down when he comes in in the morning. As I was the site responsible engineer for that customer, I went over to investigate the problem. Didn't seem to be one of the usual: of course I'd read about janitors and cleaners unplugging power cords to run their vacuum cleaners or floor mops or what not. But in this case the machine was in a recess, side by side with a printer, and there was a perfectly good, unused wall socket in plain view, in the wall to the left of the recess. They'd have to stoop over the machine and unplug its power cord from the barely visible wall socket behind it to do that trick, and also plug it back in afterwards. Also, the power cord was snug; you couldn't trip the machine just by bumping into it. But the machine did just power down occasionally, as evidenced by the console printout. No bug check or machine check, just opcom messages being printed, followed straight by the power up sequence the next morning when the customer came in and powered it up again. Timestamps showed the machine quitting early evening, between 18:00 and 19:00. If it did, that is; it didn't do it every day. And every hardware engineer can tell you that intermittent problems like that are hard to troubleshoot. Argh. Ok, it's flaky somehow. But why that particular time? I put in a new power supply, as that'd be the most probable cause. Nope, that's not it. A couple of days later, the customer logged a repeat call, with the exact same symptom. I went on site again, exercised the machine, measured supply voltages. It ran without any sign of any problem. Looking over the possibilities, I wondered if it was an overheating or airflow condition. There's more than one sensor that can trip the machine the way it is tripped, and we hooked up a small logic probe that would show which one it actually was. And sure enough, a few days later it got tripped with an airflow problem. Now, I had already cleaned out the filters and the fans when I replaced the PSU -- pretty standard procedure to do whatever preventive maintenance you can when you go on site for a hardware call. So I couldn't imagine there would be a real airflow condition. But the sensor might have been woky, so I checked it. It was a pair of thermal sensors, one exposed to the airflow, the other not. Pretty simple. No mechanical parts that might have binded or gotten stuck. So no problem there. For good measure I replaced a power harness that showed vague signs of chafing, and I also replaced the monitoring logic. Didn't help. The customer called once more, and sure enough the probe showed an airflow condition. Support is still on the case, and they authorize a swap unit to be brought on site, so that I can take the ailing 725 to our product repair center and go over it with a fine-toothed comb. Which I did. Stripped it down to the bare chassis, cleaned every sensor, every connector, every slot, every everything. It was the squeaky-cleanest 11/725 in the Western hemisphere that wasn't fresh out of the factory. I inspected every wire, checked every fan, and replaced anything that wasn't to my liking. It was arranged that it could sit in the PRC for a few weeks, running, with power monitoring probes hooked up. It passed without a hitch. In the meantime the replacement unit is humming along nicely too, without any problems whatsoever. Quite a bit of head-scratching happens. The temporary replacement was an 11/730, basically the same hardware in a different cabinet, so maybe that was a clue. In the meantime, a power logger had been running at the customer site, to check whether the flakiness is coming in from the main power supply. It wasn't. So, we handed back the 11/725 to its rightful owner. And sure enough, it tripped a few days later. Yes, early evening yet again. Running out of ideas, one of us decided to go on site every day at closing time and just sit there to see it go. And sure enough, he observed the problem right the first evening. The cleaning crew came in. The vacuum cleaner was not the problem. The floor mop was not the problem. One of them took the waste bag from the paper shredder, tied it closed, and set it aside -- right in front of the air intake of the 11/725. Floooomph. TRIP. * Customer: "I tried to print but the computer can't find the printer. Come over and fix it, NOW!!!" * Tech Support: "Is it turned on?" Silence. * Customer: "It's turned on NOW, but it still doesn't print." * Tech Support: "Did you let it warm up?" Silence. * Customer: "It seems to be working now. I guess you don't have to come over." ======= Yesterday a well-known customer with frequent printer problems called me, saying: "It won't print anymore, just as usual". * Customer: "It won't print anymore, just as usual." * Tech Support: "Well, is the printer turned on?" * Customer: "Well, yes, but...the PC ain't. Never mind. Bye." ======= * Customer: "My printer is totally dead. Can't turn it on. Can't turn it off." ======= * Customer: "In my office, we have a whole bunch of printers and a whole bunch of computers, except for one printer." ======= * User: "Can you please remove this printer from under my desk? I've been getting sick, and I think it's from the printer toxins." * Tech Support: "Uhhh...?" ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, we need to make sure the printer cable is solid." * Customer: "What do you mean by that?" * Tech Support: "We need to make sure the cable is properly connected." * Customer: "I know it is, because I can pull up everything on my computer. I just can't print." * Tech Support: "And that's why we need to check the printer cable." ======= * Tech Support: "Is it printing now?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Have you replaced the part?" * Customer: "Not yet." * Tech Support: "You got the replacement part we shipped out, right?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "And the local technician said to replace it when the printer stopped printing?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "And it's not printing now?" * Customer: "It isn't." * Tech Support: "Please put in the new part." * Customer: "Ok, but I'll bet dollars to doughnuts it won't do anything, because it was working fine before." ======= My grandfather bought a used PC for email and playing Bridge. As my grandmother is scared to go near the computer, he decided to buy a printer so he could print out emails for her. One day he complained that whenever he tried to print something out, it first prints a big picture of a flower. I asked him to demonstrate. He brought up an email, pressed a button on his printer, then went into the Print dialog and sent a copy of the email to the printer. Sure enough, the flower picture came out, then his email. I lifted the top off his combination printer/scanner, removed the photograph from the scanning bed, and told him not to press the "Copy" button again. ======= * Tech Support: "Is this a local or a LAN printer?" * Customer: "It's on my desk." ======= * Customer: "Could you please come over and assign my C:\ drive to the laser printer?" ======= Asked of a student worker at the front desk of a university lab: * "Do your printers have Adobe Reader?" ======= * Customer: "Excuse me, is this ink cartridge compatible with Windows Millenium Edition?" ======= * Customer: "How much is the printer USB cable?" * Tech: "$15.00." * Customer: "How long is it?" * Tech: "Six feet." * Customer: "Is that long enough?" * Tech: "...Yes?" * Customer: "Ok, thanks!" [click] ======= Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved. ======= I work in tech support for a specialist software company. However, as a lot of our customers are academics, we do get calls for a lot of weird and wonderful things and try to help out where we can. One of my customers I avoid like the plague. He once rang up and told me the printer (an ex-company machine) we sold him had run out of paper, so he asked if we could send him some more. I just wish that I had thought of the proper response sooner and volunteered to fax him some. ======= Someone I work with observed the continuous-form paper at our printer stacking badly in the output tray (as such paper normally does when the first sheet folds the wrong way) and concluded that "someone must have loaded the paper into the printer backwards." ======= Today one of the secretaries came to my office with a "very urgent" problem. * Her: "There's a message that keeps coming up on my computer saying the printer is out of paper. This is interfering with my work, and you have to make it stop doing that or I will have to tell (the boss) the reason his memo is not done is because the computer is messing up." * Me: "Have you tried filling the paper tray?" * Her: "Well, it does this every time the printer runs out of paper!" I looked at her like she was from another planet and she left. Later the boss came by and asked what was wrong with her computer, because it was giving all these "error messages" and now apparently wasn't printing at all and had "lights flashing on it." It was clear she had told him I wasn't helping her. I suggested he follow me as I walked down to her end of the office, picked up a stack of paper from next to her printer, and inserted it in the paper tray. Voila! As if by magic it started printing. Imagine that! I left them to discuss the printer problem and went back to more pressing tasks. ======= Most of the kids in my graduating class did not receive the best computer training while growing up. So when I was taking the required computer class, covering basically Microsoft Word and Excel, I had quite the experience. On our first assignment, we were required to print when we were finished. This one guy was getting really frusturated. * Him: "I hit print but it won't print." * Me: "Well, show me what you did." He clicked File/Print/OK, then stood and looked around the monitor and CPU. * Him: "See? It is not coming out! Freakin' computers." * Me: "Umm...maybe you would have better luck if you looked for it at the printer." I directed him to the printer on the other side of the room. It turned out he had printed 24 copies of his assignment. ======= This is a something that happened to me while working for Lexmark. * Customer: "I don't understand why my inkjet printer keeps printing blank pages." * Me: "Ok, did you remember to install the printer cartridge?" * Customer: "Yes, I put it inside the printer on the carrier thing." * Me: "Did you remove the tape from the bottom of the cartridge?" * Customer: "The tape with the blue flap? Yeah." * Me: "Yes. Ok, tell me what exactly you are doing to print." * Customer: "Well, I press this purple button on the printer, and the page comes out blank." * Me: "Well, sir, this is not the way to print. Let me show how we can do this and print a document or a picture. Let's go to your PC." * Customer: "What's that?" * Me: "Your PC -- your computer." * Customer: "What's that?" * Me: "The computer, the thing with the keyboard, the monitor, the PC." * Customer: "I don't have one of those." * Me: "???" * Customer: "..." * Me: "Excuse me, sir, you don't have a computer?" * Customer: "Nope." * Me: "Sir, why did you buy this printer?" * Customer: "Well, I went to Radio Shack, and I pressed this button, and it would print out pretty pictures." ======= I was working as a lab assistant in a computer school. One of the assignments was to write up and print out a report using Microsoft Word. One of the students came to me complaining that he had written a beautiful report but that it wouldn't print correctly. His problem was that he had used Word art and had put some animated text in it and had assumed it would be animated on the printed page. ======= * Tech Support: "Technical support -- how can I help?" * Customer: "!!!!!!!" * Tech Support: "Sorry?!?! Could you repeat that, sir?" (puts the customer on the speaker phone, so everybody in the office can hear) * Customer: "Your =@!$%&* software has smashed my @$!"$&* printer!!" * Tech Support: "How do you mean, smashed?" * Customer: "Smashed!! Broken! Physically damaged!" * Tech Support: "Do you mean you just can't print?" * Customer: "No, I mean smashed!! The top of the printer is completely broken and is now in several pieces!" * Tech Support: "Sir, it is impossible for software, ours or anyone else's, to physically damage a printer in the way you describe." * Customer: "Are you saying I'm lying?" * Tech Support: "No sir, I am merely stating that software that exists on a PC cannot smash a printer to pieces." * Customer: "I'm telling you the printer is smashed! You'll have to come and sort it out, and I want you to replace my printer!" So we sent a support engineer out. Sure enough, the printer was smashed. On the wall above it was a faint circular mark, suggesting that something used to be hanging there. A brief search behind the printer turned up a wall clock, slightly damaged but still working. To this day, nobody ever understood how he made the connection between our software and his smashed printer, or how software could do that kind of damage anyway. ======= * Customer: "I am having problems printing. Does this have anything to do with the meteor shower? I was just wondering." ======= I have been the technical support for a group of engineers for several years. In the beginning they weren't sure a female could be high tech enough for them. As a result they often spent a lot of time working on a problem before calling me for help. One day I walked by a cubicle and saw two engineers working hard over a printer. About an hour later I walked by and, noticing they were still puzzled by the problem, I asked if I could help. They began to explain all the steps they had taken to try to get the dot matrix printer to work. I still treasure the looks on their faces as I took one finger, pressed the cover latch into place, and it began printing. ======= In a computer class, we had to answer some questions out of a textbook, and one of them was to draw a table of advantages and disadvantages of certain types of printers. When the teacher was going over the answers with the class, she said the advantages of dot matrixes are that they are "cheap and quite quick," and the disadvantages are that they are "noisy, not very good quality, and slow." ======= I used to be a proctor in my university's computer science lab. This lab has a policy that only the proctors are to change paper in the printers. There is a very good reason for this policy. One evening, many people were trying to print onto the laser printer, and their jobs would jam up. This being a normal occurrence on this aging Sun SP2, I would simply unjam the printer and tell them to resubmit the job. But on this occasion, the printer was jamming repeatedly without a single page coming out. It turned out that someone, in their infinite wisdom, had ignored the lab policy and refilled the laser printer with line printer paper (all sheets connected, with perforations dividing one page from the next) with the edges removed. ======= We had a customer that returned a printer to the store complaining about feed problems. He was trying to print on a "plain white tea towel," and it jammed. The towel was still in the printer when he brought it back. ======= Last year, my printer jammed up badly. I was messing around with it when my mother walked in and asked what I was doing. I told her that my printer was jammed, and I was trying to fix it. She looked at the stack of paper in the tray and exclaimed, "How did all of that get stuck in there!?" ======= * Customer: "I stuck something in my printer, and now it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "What did you put in it?" * Customer: "It's a tortilla." * Tech Support: "Uh. How did you come to have a tortilla stuck in your printer?" * Customer: "I own a tortilla business. I thought it would be cool to print my logo on a tortilla." I continue to be amazed that there are certain people out there that have access to technology. ======= * Customer: "My printer's broken." * Tech Support: "Are you getting any error messages on the printer itself?" * Customer: "No. It just won't print." * Tech Support: "Ok. Are you at your workstation right now?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "I need you to click on the start button in the bottom left corner of the screen." * Customer: "I don't see a start button." * Tech Support: "Ok. Can you hover your mouse pointer at the bottom of the screen and tell me if you see a bar that pops up to reveal a start button?" * Customer: "There is no mouse." * Tech Support: "No mouse? How do you navigate around?" * Customer: "I just press the buttons." * Tech Support: "The keyboard?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Ok. Can you hold down the control and escape buttons for me to see if a start menu appears?" * Customer: "I don't see the control or the escape buttons." * Tech Support: "Bottom left and top left of the keyboard?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "This is a Windows XP workstation you're on?" * Customer: "Yes. I know what Windows XP is." * Tech Support: "And you don't see a start button in the bottom left of the screen?" * Customer: "Look, I don't see a start button ANYWHERE on this printer!!" ======= I work for a school board in Nova Scotia, Canada, as a computer technician. One day, I got sent out to a school to install a printer for a teacher. When I walked into the classroom, I saw that she'd already plugged the printer cable into the correct ports on the machine and the printer. Usually the teachers don't even go that far, so I was happy that she was willing to at least physically hook it up. When I sat down in front of the Windows 95 computer and went to the Printer Control Panel, I noticed that there was already a printer in there: "Lexmark 5000," which was the printer driver I had to install. I was surprised, because this printer came out after Windows 95 hit the market, so the teacher would have had to download the drivers from the Internet and install them -- something I knew was impossible, because this computer wasn't connected to the Internet in any way. It wouldn't print out a test page. So I asked her how she installed the driver. Apparently she went into the Add Printer Wizard, installed a random printer driver from the list, and renamed it to "Lexmark 5000," assuming that if the completely incompatible driver she installed matched the name on the front of the printer, it would work somehow. ======= My boss noticed that a newer version of some software, printing data with a faster device driver to a faster printer -- gasp! -- prints faster than an older version of the software, printing data with a slower device driver to a slower printer. * My Boss: "You guys must understand why the new software prints faster than the older one." * Me: "It prints faster because it's a faster printer and a faster driver." * My Boss: "No. It's surely the app! You should dig into the code and understand why it behaves like that." * Me: "Er.... Have comparisons between the two versions of the app been performed in the same environment?" * My Boss: "Of course not. The old program has been tested with the old drivers and the older, slower printer." He is still convinced that the "problem" is in the old application that wastes time while waiting for the slower thermal printer to print each line. ======= I got a call from someone who complained that her printer was too slow. I said it could not be sped up, but she insisted that I should adjust the "speed screw" somewhere inside the printer. ======= At one company I worked for, the Systems Operations Vice President was trying to print a document to the printer in the administration area. He walked over to the printer area and stared at the fax machine. The HR person came over and asked what he was doing. He said he was waiting for his document to print. She told him that the printer was out for repairs. He mumbled something and went back to his office. Apparently he tried to print again, as he was seen moments later, staring at the fax machine. ======= Once I helped a customer, who couldn't seem to print a file. I asked him if his printer was on the network. He replied saying it was but that that shouldn't matter, because the network was down at the time and no one else would be trying to print to the printer. ======= Another customer calling the Canon help desk complained that his BJC-610 was not printing red. After the tech ran the customer through a few unsuccessful cleanings, he asked the customer to remove the red tank and see how much ink was in it. The customer then said, "No, it doesn't have any ink. On page 130 in the manual, it said to do some extensive cleanings. So I drained the ink and filled it with water to clean it." ======= I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow -- but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?" Sometimes the user can teach us a thing or two about tech support. ======= Once I found the following post in a newsgroup: I have chosen white textcolor in a word document, because I want to print white on a black paper. The printer (HP 610C) accepts the printed document, but the page stays empty. I does not print the white text. I think it is unable to mix white ink. This is strange, because all other colors work well. ======= I recently spoke with a woman who wanted to change the language her printer driver used (i.e., English, Spanish, etc.) thinking that it would print a document written in one language out in another. ======= I support high end accounting software, not hardware, which makes this call all the more amusing. * Customer: "My printer is broken!" * Tech Support: "Well, actually, I don't handle hardware, only software." * Customer: "What's the difference?" * Tech Support: (Oh no!) "What is your printer doing?" * Customer: "The light is blinking, and it's saying, 'Toner Low'!" * Tech Support: "Can you still print?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Well all you need to do is change the toner cartridge in the printer. Your printer isn't broken -- you're just low on toner." * Customer: "What's toner?" * Tech Support: "It's the powder used to print the actual characters on the paper. Kind of like what you use in your copy machine only the printer cartridge fits in your printer." The customer called back later. * Customer: "It doesn't fit!" * Tech Support: "What doesn't fit?" * Customer: "The bottle. I can't find a hole to screw the bottle into in my printer." ======= A customer couldn't get his printer to work, so he brought it in for me to look at. I opened it up, and he cautioned me not to let the ink spill out. I opened the ink cartridge bays and found sponges dripping with ink in them. * Me: "Where are the ink cartridges?" * Him: "Those are them." * Me: "No, these are ink cartridges." (holding one in my hand) * Him: "No, the ink cartridges are inside those." ======= * Tech Support: "Hi, this is Robert. How can I help you?" * Customer: "You broke my computer." * Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am, what's your name?" * Customer: "Janet." * Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, I have four customers with that name. What's your last name?" * Customer: "[last name]" * Tech Support: "Ok, I see here in our records we installed a modem in your computer about two weeks ago. What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "It won't print." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, I remember the computer. It was a simple procedure and should have nothing to do with you being able to print." * Customer: "Well, I just bought a new printer and it won't print." * Tech Support: "What happened when you installed the print drivers in the 'Printers' folder?" * Customer: "Uh.... You have to do that?" * Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am." Some time later the whole story came out: She had bought a new printer, set it on her desk and pushed 'print'. She hadn't even taken it out of the box! ======= * Customer: "I have a G3 Powermac and a Apple Stylewriter printer. Both have an RJ45 -- I think it's what you call a Tbase10. Anyway, I wanted to network them. What do I need?" * Tech Support: "Roughly, how many other computers are on the network and do you have a central hub, or do you just have a data outlet in your office that you plug into?" * Customer: "What do you mean when you say 'network'? It's just my computer and this printer, and they both have that big phone jack thingie on them. What do I need to hook them together?" * Tech Support: "You mean besides a printer cable?" ======= * Customer: "I just bought one of your computer packages, but I can't get the printer to work." * Tech Support: "Ok, what is doing?" * Customer: "It just doesn't work. When i try to print, nothing at all happens, and then my computer says that I can't find my printer." * Tech Support: "Are you sure that you had the printer hooked up correctly?" * Customer: "Yes, I have it plugged into the wall." * Tech Support: "Do you have the printer cable plugged into your computer?" * Customer: "I don't know. I was reading the instructions, and it was saying something about plugging it into the computer, but that was too complicated. I just set the printer right next to the computer, like it shows in the picture. I thought that it might be too far away, but I got it as close as I could, and it still wouldn't work." * Tech Support: "Um..... You need to plug you printer cable in. It goes from your printer to your computer. I think you should have gotten one with your computer package. Do you have one?" * Customer: "i don't think so. I had some weird looking cable, but I thought it was extra, so I threw it away." * Tech Support: "Well, you are going to need to get another printer cable, and you use it to connect the printer to the computer." * Customer: "It doesn't show that in the picture." * Tech Support: "Well, it may not show it there, but you do need it for your printer to work." * Customer: "Oh. Ok. This is all pretty confusing." * Tech Support: "All you need to do is get a printer cable and then plug your printer into your computer." * Customer: "So you mean I need to buy extra stuff to get my computer to work?" * Tech Support: "No, one came with you computer, but you said you threw it away." * Customer: "I think I'm just going to call the neighbor. I think he will be able to get it to work." * Tech Support: "Ok ma'am, but you will need a printer cable." * Customer: "My neighbor is pretty good with computers." * Tech Support: "Ok, have a nice day." I burst out laughing as soon as she left. ======= * Student: "My paper won't print." * Teacher: "Did you tell it to print?" * Student: "Oh yeah, right. How do I do that?" ======= One user, in explaining to a computer science Master's student how a dot matrix printer worked, pointed out some of the controls, guessing tentatively at what they did. "This must be the power switch," he said, pointing to the "on-line" button. He went on to say, "I think if you sit down with it, play around with it a little bit, I'd say -- since you know a bit about computers -- I'd say you'd have it down pat in about a week." ======= One of my VAX users came to me to ask, "Why did the printer print out my memo in all capital letters?" After checking the port configuration on the VAX to make sure it was set to "lower case," and checking the dip switches on the printer, I did what I should have in the first place: check the document. Sure enough, the document had been typed in with all capital letters. ======= One office had just installed a new Apple LaserWriter II for their Macs. The first day, they called me up and told me that it was printing the college letterhead on each piece of paper. * Tech Support: "Are you sure it's PRINTING the letterhead, or are you using pre-printed paper?" * Customer: "Oh no, it must be printing it, because they just put in plain white paper." Thinking this was going to be a semi-interesting problem, I headed over there, and, sure enough, there was the college letterhead on each sheet of paper, embossed in three colors from the printing house. When I pointed out the fact that they were, in fact, using pre-printed paper, she responded: * Customer: "But I told the computer I didn't want a header. And it still shows up, huh?" ======= One afternoon, I was sitting next to a friend of mine at one of the University of New Hampshire's computer clusters. The guy on the other side of him asked for help printing a file. My friend told him the correct command that would send his document to the correct printer. When it didn't work, my friend took a closer look at the problem. It turned out that the reason the file wouldn't print was because he had not yet created it. ======= A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it. ======= * Tech Support: "Hewlett-Packard Customer Service, this is Sergio, can I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, I have a deskjet that I need to have repaired." * Tech Support: "We make several deskjets ma'am -- do you know what model yours is?" * Customer: "It's a Hewlett-Packard!" * Tech Support: "Yes, I know....umm, could you tell me if your deskjet is color or black and white?" * Customer: "Well...it's beige." ======= I'd been on the phone for a good number of minutes to this user, trying to verify the status of a particular record to see why it wasn't included on a report. I managed to get every detail off the screen, except the one field I really needed. * Tech Support: "Ok, just print out the record, and fax it over to me so I can read the bits I need." * Customer: "How do I do that?" * Tech Support: "Just type 'print'." * Customer: "It's asking where I want to send it." * Tech Support: "Ok, select your printer." * Customer: "Now what?" * Tech Support: "Just fax that over." * Customer: "Fax what?" * Tech Support: "The stuff that came out of your printer." * Customer: "What's that?" * Tech Support: "What's what?" * Customer: "A printer?" * Tech Support: "Well, it's the thing that prints. It's a bit like a typewriter with no keys. You put plain paper in one end, and it comes out the other end with writing on it." * Customer: "What color is it?" ======= * Co-Worker: "If I had a color monitor, would my printer print in color?" ======= * Customer: "My boss doesn't like the way my red-lined text prints. He wants me to change it. It looks red on my screen but it doesn't print red." * Tech Support: "Well sir, it's not a color printer. It won't print red." ======= * Customer: "How do you unsave something in the printer?" ======= * Customer: "Me think the printer doesn't work. It always refuses to print the last page of my listing." After some hard thinking... * Operator: "Did you try the form feed button before tearing off your listing?" * Customer: "Form feed??" ======= I was working at the help desk when a secretary called saying she was having problems with her printer. It was apparently spitting out "weird characters." I went down to her office thinking I would just have to replace the printer driver, so while she was taking a call, I did so and sent a test page through. No problems. I left her a note and left while she was still on the phone. No more than ten minutes later, I got a call from the same woman. She was having the same problem. I went down to see and asked her to show me what she was doing. She proceded to double-click on a file, and the file came up with binary data. Then she hit 'print' before I could stop her. I removed the print job, told her that the printer would, in fact, not print out binary data in English, and went to the printer to collect the few pages that had printed before the job was cancelled. At the printer, I noticed a huge stack of paper, approximately 1500 sheets. These printers only hold 500 -- while the printer was spitting out page after page of garbage, she kept refilling the tray. ======= I wrote a piece of software that would query our master database every night and print out data collected the day before. Admittedly, it had an undesirable "feature" in that if the printer wasn't on, it would dump the data to the hard drive instead. This was in 1988, and all we had were 10 meg hard drives. If the printer wasn't available, the hard drive would quickly fill up and crash the machine. I kept getting calls from this manager complaining my software was broken. Each and every time he'd have his printer turned off. I would tell him his printer had to be on in order for the program to print the data, and every time he told me he was afraid of excess wear and tear on the printer and insisted he had to turn it off every night. How can something be printed on a printer that's turned off, I asked. He asserted that my program should turn on the printer, print the information, and turn it back off when the print job was done. ======= One of my users asked me to send an important document via email. I sent it to her. It was a Microsoft Word document, sent as an attachment. An hour later, the user called. * User: "I need you to send me your printer drivers so I can print this document." * Me: "Ma'am you don't really need my printer drivers to print this document. All you need to do is open the document with your copy of Word, then click on the button with the little printer on your toolbar." * User: "!&$%/!@&*, don't try and tell me how to use a computer, I know more about them than you can ever dream of !@#$@!^#!!...." * Me: (trying not to laugh) "Ma'am, I'm pretty sure on this. My printer drivers would not be of much use to you unless you have the same exact printer as I do." * User: "All right, that's it. I want to speak to your supervisor." I transferred the call to my boss, and they had a similar conversation. Finally she told him we were both idiots and didn't know the first thing about computers. ======= * Customer: "Hi. Are you in the Moraga office?" * Tech Support: "We do have offices located in Moraga." * Customer: "No, I mean are you in the actual offices in Moraga?" * Tech Support: "Uhh, yes." * Customer: "Good! My printer is broken, and I was wondering if I could come down with a disk and use your printers?" * Tech Support: "I'm sorry ma'am, but these are closed facilities. We can help you with matters pertaining to Internet access but do not provide the public with free access to our network." * Customer: "Oh, that's ok. You were closer, but I can just go over to my friend's house and print my document there." ======= One of our company's internal help desk calls: * Customer: "Hello. I can't print my document out." * Tech Support: "Are you using Word Perfect?" * Customer: "I don't know about this stuff. Could you just come over, I'm in room 123." When I got to her office, I discovered she didn't have a printer. I politely pointed this out, and then asked: * Tech Support: "Where did you expect the paper to come out?" * Customer: "The television." ======= I run a computer lab at a large junior high school, and I also take care of the everyday problems that happen to Macs in the classrooms. Last month, the Science Department was able to get a 630 with an HP 560C for each science room. All was fine until I got a call from the teacher in room E-3. E-3 is easily two city blocks away from my lab, where I am frequently summoned to fix such problems as unplugged cables or an un-chosen Chooser on Mrs. E-3's personal PowerBook. This time, E-3's new printer wasn't printing. I really didn't have time to jog clear across campus for another nuisance call. I recited my usual litany over the phone. "Power? Cables? Chooser? Has anything else unusual happened lately?" "Yes," replied E-3, "the printer smells of mouse urine." I checked the calendar. It wasn't April 1. Then I remembered the last time I had visited that particular science lab -- I had stepped in a glue trap intended for a classroom pet gone feral. "Yup!" I diagnosed. "Your printer has mice!" Having had some mice as lab mascots myself, I was aware of a rodent's tendency to chew. "He probably nibbled a wire inside." And that's exactly what was wrong. I presented myself to the principal and told him that if he didn't call an exterminator right now I would go to the SPCA and get a crew of cats. He did, I didn't, and now the only mice we have are attached to Macs. ======= A friend who was in field service for Burroughs, and is currently at Unisys, tells of the time he went to do some routine PM at a customer site. As he was getting ready to button up the hardware, he asked the girl who was the operator for the machine in question to queue up the system status report to the printer so he would have it by the time he was ready to leave. The silence, nothing printing, was quite noticeable. Seeing that the printer was off line, he asked again if she would run the report. "Oh, yes," came the response, "it'll be printing in a moment. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring." "I beg your pardon?" "I'm waiting for the phone to ring so the report will print." Mildly curious, he inquired what arcane influence the telephone had over the system printer, and piece by piece the story emerged. About 6 months previously, when she was a new hire, the DP manager had asked her to queue up a report. He was going to another building, and for some reason didn't want the thing to print until he got there, so he told her to keep the printer off line so that he could phone her when he was ready. "As soon as the phone rings, press the online button, there, and let 'er rip." This she had duly done, and from that day forward, whenever anyone had called asking for a report, she would take the printer off line, queue up the report, and wait for the phone to ring. No one at the customer site realized what she was doing, because whenever anyone would call the machine room to ask where a requested report was, she would say, truthfully, "It's printing right now." ======= I was at a client site, which happens to be a park district pool. I was there to finish a computer survey, and was asked, "Since you're here, can you fix the printer in the poolside office?" I went in there, and was told by the supervisor that an employee who thought he was "a computer demigod" tried to fix it but might have made it worse. Understatement of the year. The "demigod" opened the case and tried to yank out the toner cartridge without releasing the clips that hold it down. He ripped the top off the toner cartridge, which I had just replaced two weeks ago. When he ripped it off, there was a cloud of toner that went all over the place, both inside the printer and outside, all over the walls, windows, desk, keyboard, computer, mouse...everything. To try to cover it up he got a wet beach towel and tried to wipe it all up, leaving nice black smears all over the places that wouldn't clean off. The toner shorted out the main circuit board in the printer and fried the keyboard, which he had rinsed off in the sink and plugged back into the computer. In addition, toner spilled into the wall mounted air conditioner and shorted out the electronics in there as well. So, in addition to making a huge mess, he failed to fix the printer's original problem. What was the printer's original problem? It was out of paper. * Him: "I can download games like Quake and play them during lunch, you know." * Me: "We're only allowed 10 megs in our accounts, and the system administrators would notice you downloading a large file." * Him: "Nah, I could hack it so he couldn't." * Me: "Ah, so you are into hacking. By the way do you know any programming languages?" * Him: "Yeah, of course." * Me: "Which ones?" * Him: "I can't tell you or else you'll use them." * Me: "Just by mentioning C++ or Pascal or whatever will not instantly make me a genius with those languages." * Him: "Oh sorry, I didn't understand you. Yeah, I know C++ and Pascal." * Me: "What compiler do you use?" * Him: "Well, QBasic is my favorite." * Me: "Nobody over the age of eight uses QBasic for serious purposes." * Him: "But they made Windows with QBasic." I almost cried laughing. ======= One day I was in a public park, reading "C++ For Dummies" when someone came up and asked me what I was reading. I told him I was reading a book about C++. He responded, "Oh, HTML kicks C++'s @$$." ======= * Teacher: "You can't do spaces in HTML. If you see spaces on web pages, then they must be using java to override basic HTML. Java saved the Internet, because it removes limitations of HTML, but it's beyond the scope of this course to show you how to do it." ======= * My Friend: "Yesterday, I reprogrammed my computer." * Me: "Okay...." * My Friend: "Not my Mac, but my PC. It has Windows Vista." * Me: "Yes, and what language did you use?" * My Friend: (pause) "English." * Me: "English?" * My Friend: "Yeah, English." ======= I was the night-time operator for a university in the northern part of the state. We ran our administrative jobs locally, and the students submitted their jobs to us. We read their card decks into our IBM 370/115 which transmitted them to the IBM 370/165 at the capital which sent the results back to be printed. We then wrapped the listing around the kiddies' card decks and put them out for them to pick up. One evening a student was in the pickup area, looking at her listing, and crying. We operators were not required to help students, but if we had some extra time, we always did. I asked her what was wrong, and she said her program wasn't working right. I took the listing and looked it over. It was the first exercise given to first semester COBOL students. I saw nothing wrong with it. No compiler errors, no JCL errors, and the printout from the run even looked correct. So I said, "I don't see any errors." At that point she let out a great wail and sob. "I know!" she cried. "That's the problem!" "Huh?" I said. It turned out the the instructor told the class what all instructors tell their classes for the first computer program they ever write. "Don't worry about errors the first time you submit your deck. People always get errors the first time." Well, through some fluke of improbability, this girl managed to write a flawless program and key it into the key punch flawlessly and got a flawless run the very first time she tried it. The instructor told her to expect errors. She didn't get them, so she thought she was doing something wrong. ======= I once worked for the IT department of a small manufacturing company. The new Vice President of IT claimed that he had been a programmer for more than twenty years prior. One time we were in a meeting with a software company we hired to build our web site for us. As they explained that the web pages would be written in HTML and Javascript, this VP stops them cold and says, "None of my guys here work with any of that Javascript stuff! This is a SQL shop! I only want these web pages written in SQL so we can support it ourselves!" Rather than correct a man who'd been a programmer for twenty years, I sat there with an amused look on my face for the remainder of the meeting. So did the people from the software company. ======= Someone else's shell script I saw at work today was extensively commented, including this gem of non-information. export PATH # Export path ======= * User: "Hey, can you help me? My program doesn't work." * Consultant: "What is the problem? Are you using Turbo Pascal?" * User: "Yes, the program just blocks the machine." * Consultant: "Well, does it compile?" * User: "I don't know -- it just doesn't run. You see? There's the EXE file. If you run it, it blocks the machine." * Consultant: "And where is your source, the PAS file??" * User: "I wrote it and renamed it to EXE so it could run." ======= One thing that many will run into in the computer industry, is employers who are rather clueless and yet don't necessarily realize this. In 1996, a friend told me about a boss he had that needed a C program written for him. After a week, the boss complained that the program wasn't done, and he asked my friend what was taking so long. * Friend: "The program is written, and I'm debugging it." * Boss: "What's wrong with you people? You make programming more difficult than it needs to be. I have Frontpage Express to write web pages with, and when I write code with it, I never need to debug it. If you were as good of a programmer as me, you'd never need to debug either." ======= I was making my way through MSDN, looking at Win32 API console functions to make my own gotoxy() function in Visual C++ 6.0. My C++ programming teacher looked at my screen and asked: * Teacher: "What are you doing?" * Me: "I'm trying to find out how to make a gotoxy() in Visual C++. I'll have to use Win32 API functions." * Teacher: "No you don't have to use API functions! Just take Borland C++ 3.1 headers and put them in Visual C++ 6.0 include directory." * Me: "Heuh......." Unfortunately, Borland C++ 3.1 was designed for DOS and Win16. Visual C++ works on Win32. Worse, headers only contain types and class declarations, defines, and function prototypes. I don't know how my teacher thought this would work. ======= * Programmer: "What do you mean, I can't initialize things in an assert()?" ======= During a code review, when I asked why (besides the source control file headers) there was not a comment in 240,000 lines of code which was getting handed over to me for maintenance, the programmer replied, "I'm terse." ======= I found this comment in a program I was given to edit: if x then #if condition is true [do something] end if. It literally said "if condition is true;" it wasn't an expansion on the significance of x. ======= I was helping a friend with some code. In the code, I found the line: x = x; and removed it. I made some further changes and send the code back to him. He told me he still had errors. So he sent me his code again, and again I found the same line. I asked him why he kept putting that in there, and he replied, "So x doesn't lose its value." ======= One time a girl in my introduction to programming class told me that she hated Microsoft and started using UNIX to compile her programs. Later on, she emailed me and said she hated UNIX now, too, because it would compile her program but not allow her to retrieve her data. So I asked her to send her code to me, and I would take a look at it. I stumbled upon this: int addandsubtract (int a, int b) { return (a + b); return (b - a); } I asked her the purpose of this function, and she told me she wanted to first get the sum of a and b and then get the difference. She didn't understand why this wouldn't work, and it took me an hour or so to explain why. ======= I teach a C programming course. For one of the assignments, somebody once copied a program verbatim from a fellow student who did the course two years before. He did pay attention, though: following the updated course material, which said that 'main' should return an error code, he changed: void main (...) { ... } to: int void main (...) { ... } Needless to say, the program didn't even compile. ======= In college, I worked as a teaching assistant for an introductory programming language. For most of the people in the class, this was probably their first and only programming class. One day, I was doing program code reviews with a handful of students. This one girl gave me her code, and, after looking at it, I asked why she had repeated a certain line twice: let x = 7; let x = 7; She said, "Just in case it didn't get set right the first time." ======= When a computer professor asked his students to comment all their programs, he got remarks like: * "This program is very nice." * "This program is very difficult." * "This program is very interesting." ======= I found this comment in some code I had to maintain: /* This function is BOOL but actually returns TRUE, FALSE and -2 because I've no time to change it to int */ Didn't it take more time to write the comment? ======= When I was studying programming, one of my classmates was having serious troubles with his program. When he asked me for help, I leaned over his screen and saw all of his code in comments. The reason: "Well, it compiles much faster that way." ======= In college I worked as a consultant. One day this grad student was having trouble with his Fortran program and brought the printout to me. He said he kept changing things but couldn't get it to run correctly. His analysis: "I get the feeling that the computer just skips over all the comments." ======= I tutored college students who were taking a computer programming course. A few of them didn't understand that computers are not sentient. More than one person used comments in their Pascal programs to put detailed explanations such as, "Now I need you to put these letters on the screen." I asked one of them what the deal was with those comments. The reply: "How else is the computer going to understand what I want it to do?" Apparently they would assume that since they couldn't make sense of Pascal, neither could the computer. ======= I was taking an introductory programming course. One assignment was to do a little payroll program, including some data validation. The program was supposed to accept terminal input and send output back to either the console or a printer. Suddenly the printer began spewing out paper like crazy. One of the students (a particularly mouthy woman) had programmed a less-than-helpful error message ("YOU ARE WRONG") and then not provided any exit from the error-checking logic -- the program just re-read the last (failing) input and re-tested it. All in all, it was a very nice infinite loop. After spitting through about fifty pages of "YOU ARE WRONG," somebody cut power to the printer, and the instructor had to flush the print queue manually. He went back to the student and asked if she had tested the program by sending the output to the console before trying to print it, and she said, yes, she had tested it on the console and ended up with a screen full of "YOU ARE WRONG" messages. Why, then, had she sent her output to the printer? "I thought I would be daring!" ======= A colleague wrote the documentation for the return codes from a set of functions in one of his DLLs. Among the documentation was this: /* Return code=1: generic error condition Return code=2: all other error conditions */ ======= I was taking a C programming class once, and the class was divided up into two programming teams. On my team we had a woman who was totally out of her league. What earned her legendary status was doing a global search and replace, swapping out asterisks for ampersands, because she felt the asterisks weren't "working." ======= I was just teaching an optional class on C programming; in the first class meeting, I asked, "Does anybody know anything about programming?" To which one of my students gleefully replied, "I know how to use a chat program!" ======= I was asked to maintain a shell script that was taking too long to run and wasn't reliable. Among other horrors, the one that gave me the best mix of laughter and fear was a repeated construct like this: display=`env | grep DISPLAY | sed 's/[^=]*=//g'` DISPLAY=$display export DISPLAY This made me scratch my head for a moment, until I realized that this was a complete no-op. It's equal to DISPLAY=$DISPLAY (except when the grep command pulls out the wrong thing). This was repeated for something like a dozen environment variables. I still cannot fathom the logic of it. I ended up doing a complete rewrite. ======= I was asked about taking on a contract to maintain a piece of software. Something about the way it was presented made me wary. I asked to look over it first. What a sight! I use it as an example of why not to use global variables. Among other things, there were files with suites of functions on the following order: adjust_alpha() { alpha = gamma + offset * 3; } adjust_beta() { beta = gamma + offset * 3; } Dozens of functions that differed only by the global variable they modified. Just picture it: a multi-thousand line program with a graphical interface and a database that never used function parameters. The original programmer painted himself into a corner with his variable names. Clearly if you need variables "up," "down," "left," and "right," you name them as such. When he found himself needing those direction names in different parts of his program but was stuck because global variable names had to be unique, his solution was to use names like: up, _up, up_, Up, uP, UP, _Up, _UP down, _down, down_, Down, dOWN, DOWN, _Down, _DOWN ...and so on. Even the densest of my students comprehended immediately why that was bad. Needless to say, I turned down the job. ======= While working on a programming project in highschool with a friend, I mentioned to him that if he really wants to name his variables things like x, xx, and xx2, he should at least put comments saying what they're used for. The next time I looked over his shoulder, I saw this: int x; // x is an int ======= Some years ago, a friend and I were jointly writing a game in C++. We were repeatedly getting inexplicable access violation errors in a piece of code which should have been rock solid. Eventually we found something like this, obviously left over from a past debugging hack: ((class CNetwork *) 0x05af12b0)->Initialise(); It had gone unnoticed for a while because, out of sheer luck, all the builds we'd done since that hack hadn't changed the address in memory of that particular instance of CNetwork. Obviously we had eventually changed something which caused it to be allocated elsewhere: cue major chaos. If anyone has heard of a dumber programming practice than hardcoding a pointer, I'd like to see it! ======= This was found in code written by an ex-employee. strcpy(vl_name,"00000000000000000"); strcpy(vl_volume,"000000"); strncpy(temp1,vl_lud,4); temp1[4]='\0'; strncpy(temp2,vl_name+4,13); temp2[13]='\0'; strcat(temp1,temp2); strcpy(temp2,""); sprintf(temp2,"%d",vl_serial_num); temp1[7]='\0'; strcat(temp1,temp2); strcat(temp1,"000000000"); temp1[8]='.'; strncpy(temp1,temp1,9); temp1[9]='\0'; strcat(temp1,vl_data_set_name); temp1[17]='\0'; strcpy(vl_name,temp1); strcpy(vl_volume,"1"); ======= My friend is a programming teacher at a local high school, where there are two programming classes -- one taught by him and one by another teacher. Recently he spent WEEKS preparing the major assessment that both classes would do, a large assignment that the students would work on for the next few months. As well as making the question sheet for the students, he also made an answer sheet for the other teacher, so that she could familiarize herself with the assignment before giving it to her class. But this other teacher knows NOTHING about programming and wasn't able to tell the difference between the question sheet and answer sheet, and so she wound up photocopying the answer sheet and handing it out to every student in her class. She no longer teaches programming. ======= This little bit of Java was written as part of a group project at university. The friend who passed it to me has been bouncing off the walls about the quality of the guilty party's code (silly things like defining error and success codes with the same value so you don't know what the return code means and stuff like that), but this is the most obviously stupid bit. public int convertItoi(Integer v) { if (v.intValue()==1) return 1; if (v.intValue()==2) return 2; if (v.intValue()==3) return 3; if (v.intValue()==4) return 4; if (v.intValue()==5) return 5; if (v.intValue()==6) return 6; if (v.intValue()==7) return 7; return 0; } ======= Days ago I had to fix a bug into our software. The person that originally wrote the module quit, so I had total control of the source code. I totally rewrote half of the code when I found things like: int i; memset(&i, 0, sizeof(int)); And: switch (k) { case 9: printf("9\n"); case 8: if (k==8) printf("8\n"); case 7: if (k==7) printf("7\n"); // and so on... } I wondered why he put the "if" clauses, but then I noticed that none of the cases has its "break" statement, so if he found that if k was 9, the program printed 9, 8, 7, etc. So I think he added the "if" clauses to fix that behavior. The masterpiece, however, was the following, where two consecutive errors actually caused the program to work fine: char msg[40]; unsigned char k,j; memset(msg, 0, 41); /* to set the terminator */ j = k; ... Of course the "memset" was supposed to reset the msg variable, but it actually also reset k, for which no initialization was provided; could be a deliberate if hackish and unreliable solution, but that "set the terminator" comment gives it away. In fact, all over his code he managed to add one for the "terminator," one byte past the end of the character array he was working on. ======= About four years ago, I was working on a project that, among other things, involved porting several million lines of code. While not technically real-time, the code needed to be reasonably fast. At one point, I found the following gem: unsigned long reverse(unsigned long theWord) { unsigned long result = 0; int i; for (i = 0; i < 32; ++i) { if (theWord & (unsigned long) pow(2.0, (double) i)) result += (unsigned long) pow(2.0, (double) (31 - i)); } return result; } Obviously, the purpose was to reverse the bits in a word. Naturally, I called all of my colleagues over to see this, and we all marvelled at how someone would think that a conversion to floating-point, a function call, and a conversion to integer could be faster than one shift operation. To say nothing of the possibility of rounding errors completely screwing up the, um, algorithm. Not wanting to leave an exercise for the reader, here's the replacement: unsigned long reverse(unsigned long theWord) { unsigned long result = 0; int i; for (i = 0; i < 32; ++i) { if (theWord & (1 << i)) result += 1 << (31 - i); } return result; } ======= An introductory programming student once asked me to look at his program and figure out why it was always churning out zeroes as the result of a simple computation. I looked at the program, and it was pretty obvious: begin readln("Number of Apples", apples); readln("Number of Carrots", carrots); readln("Price for 1 Apple", a_price); readln("Price for 1 Carrot", c_price); writeln("Total for Apples", a_total); writeln("Total for Carrots", c_total); writeln("Total", total); total := a_total + c_total; a_total := apples * a_price; c_total := carrots + c_price; end; * Me: "Well, your program can't print correct results before they're computed." * Him: "Huh? It's logical what the right solution is, and the computer should reorder the instructions the right way." ======= At my previous job, we were porting a UNIX system to Windows NT using Microsoft VC++. A colleague of mine, that was in the process of porting his portion of the code, came to me, looking really upset. * Colleague: "Hey! I hate these Microsoft guys! What a rotten compiler! It only accepts 16,384 local variables in a function!" ======= I ran across this gem while debugging someone else's old code once: if (value == 0) return value; else return 0; ======= I found this buried in our code somewhere: if (a) { /* do something */ return x; } else if (!a) { /* do something else */ return y; } else { /* do something entirely different */ return z; } ======= I had a probationary programmer working for me. Needless to say, he never got to be permanent. One day I was inspecting his C code and found this: if ( a = 1 ) { ...some code... } else { ...some other code... } I told him the "else" clause will never get executed because of his "if" statement. I asked him to figure out why. He said he'd "investigate" it first. I allowed him to "investigate," since it had not been a critical task. A day later, he told me he figured out the problem. He said he used an incorrect operand in the "if" statement -- it should have been == instead of =, which was absolutely correct. But then he emailed me his revised code. a = 1; if ( a == 1 ) { ...some code... } else { ...some other code... } What the...? I asked him if the "a = 1" part was necessary and not just a fragment of debug code he forgot to remove. He said it was necessary. So I asked him if the "else" statement would ever be executed. He said yes. I asked him to give me a situation when such would occur. He said he'd get back to me with the explanation. I kicked him out of the project that same afternoon. ======= Once I ran across code that did this to test the i-th bit in a byte-wide value: if (value && (int)pow(2,i)) { ... } ======= Digging in the code a colleague wrote years ago, I found the following: EndWhile = 0; while (EndWhile == 0) { ... if (index < MAX) EndWhile = 0; else EndWhile = 1; index = index + 1; } ======= Years ago, I put a simple, fortune cookie style program out on an FTP site. It was too simplistic to look at environment variables or configuration files to look for the location of the fortune cookie database file; the path was compiled into the executable. I provided the source, so if you wanted to change the path it was installed in, you had to change it in the source file and recompile. Since I put it out, every so often I'll get an email message commenting on it. Recently, I received a message asking for help trying to get the thing to work. He couldn't get the executable to find the database file properly. I answered him, and he mailed back saying nothing helped. I mailed him again, saying that the readme file which was included in the archive should have very detailed instructions. He mailed me back saying the readme file didn't help him. So he mailed me the source code file, asked me to change it to the way it should be, then mail it back to him. I told him, but as I was typing in my final reply, a horrific thought occurred to me. So I asked: * Me: "I assume you have a C compiler, right?" * User: "What's a C compiler??????/ I've been editing it using the DOS editor." ======= I was working for a consulting firm that was called in to help another firm that was doing some fairly important UNIX work for a large Wall Street firm. They were all Mac programmers that had taken a week long course in UNIX, C programming, and UI programming for this particular workstation. I took a look at their C code and it was littered with the following code statement: strcat(string,"\0"); I asked why they were doing this. The reply was, in a "don't you know?" tone of voice: "All strings in C must end in a null zero!" Trying to explain that strcat wouldn't work unless the null terminator was there already just got me blank stares. ======= I've seen this code excerpt in a lot of freeware gaming programs for UNIX: /* * Bit values. */ #define BIT_0 1 #define BIT_1 2 #define BIT_2 4 #define BIT_3 8 #define BIT_4 16 #define BIT_5 32 #define BIT_6 64 #define BIT_7 128 #define BIT_8 256 #define BIT_9 512 #define BIT_10 1024 #define BIT_11 2048 #define BIT_12 4096 #define BIT_13 8192 #define BIT_14 16384 #define BIT_15 32768 #define BIT_16 65536 #define BIT_17 131072 #define BIT_18 262144 #define BIT_19 524288 #define BIT_20 1048576 #define BIT_21 2097152 #define BIT_22 4194304 #define BIT_23 8388608 #define BIT_24 16777216 #define BIT_25 33554432 #define BIT_26 67108864 #define BIT_27 134217728 #define BIT_28 268435456 #define BIT_29 536870912 #define BIT_30 1073741824 #define BIT_31 2147483648 A much easier way of achieving this is: #define BIT_0 0x00000001 #define BIT_1 0x00000002 #define BIT_2 0x00000004 #define BIT_3 0x00000008 #define BIT_4 0x00000010 ... #define BIT_28 0x10000000 #define BIT_29 0x20000000 #define BIT_30 0x40000000 #define BIT_31 0x80000000 An easier way still is to let the compiler do the calculations: #define BIT_0 (1) #define BIT_1 (1 << 1) #define BIT_2 (1 << 2) #define BIT_3 (1 << 3) #define BIT_4 (1 << 4) ... #define BIT_28 (1 << 28) #define BIT_29 (1 << 29) #define BIT_30 (1 << 30) #define BIT_31 (1 << 31) But why go to all the trouble of defining 32 constants? The C language also has parameterized macros. All you really need is: #define BIT(x) (1 << (x)) Anyway, I wonder if guy who wrote the original code used a calculator or just computed it all out on paper. ======= When I was still a student, I worked as an admin for the university CS dept. Part of this job involved time in the student labs. Our network was a conglomeration of Suns and SGIs and was generally confusing for novice users who don't understand the concept of multiuser, multitasking, networked computers. Around the room are large signs explaining how to log in, along with big warnings about not removing power unless you like the idea of having a grad student running a several million variable modeling project he's been working on for several years show up and beat you death with research papers. You would be amazed how many people try to type in a program at the "Login:" prompt, and then turn the machine off when they are done. The worst of the bunch then complain about not being able to find the program they just typed in at the login prompt. ======= I was looking through a shell script I had written recently, and I almost died when I saw some of the code. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but here's one thing I had done: if ($var = value) then # do something else # do the exact same thing as in the other code endif ======= While in college, I used to tutor in the school's math lab. A student came in because his BASIC program would not run. He was taking a beginner course, and his assignment was to write a program that would calculate the recipe for oatmeal cookies, depending upon the number of people you're baking for. I looked at his program, and it went something like this: 10 Preheat oven to 350 20 Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl 30 Mix until smooth . . . ======= A "software engineer" I used to work with once had a problem with his code that looked something like this: a_pointer->fn(); It caused a General Protection error. He knew C, but not C++ -- I did, so he asked me for help. I told him to check to see if the pointer was NULL before making the call. A couple of hours later he came back; the problem was still happening. if (a_pointer == NULL) { LogError(); } a_pointer->fn(); I said, "You need a return statement after the LogError call." He said, thoughtfully, "Where does it return to?" ======= A friend of mine wanted to keep track of the other users on the UNIX systems of our university. There is a nice command "last" on UNIX which will list the last users to have logged in. So he wrote a script that'd log in to all workstations of the department by remote shell and run the "last" command, with the results sent back to the originating host, to be collected in aggregate form. He called this little script "last" -- same name as the UNIX system command -- and put it in his home directory. His path was set up so his home directory had a higher precedence than the UNIX bin directories. So when he ran the "last" command, it would use his own script instead of the system command. So he ran the script. It logged in to all the other workstations just fine. Then it ran the "last" command -- the one in his home directory, of course, not the system command. You can guess what happened. It got in an infinite loop that tried to log into every workstation an infinite number of times. This very effectively nuked off the whole department, and all workstations had to be shut down for it to stop. ======= One of our customers, a major non-US defense contractor, complained that their code ran too slowly. It was a comedy of errors. Act I * Contractor: "Can you make our code run faster?" * Tech Support: "Yes, but we have to take a look at it." * Contractor: "We can't, the code is classified." * Tech Support: "Can you explain to me what your code is doing?" * Contractor: "No, that's classified." * Tech Support: "Can you tell us what functions you use?" * Contractor: "No that's classified." Act II So, on a hunch, we sent them the latest version of our software for Windows NT. * Contractor: "Why is this running faster on our 800MHz Pentium than on our VAX?" * Tech Support: "When did you buy that VAX?" * Contractor: "Some time in the late 1980s." Act III Finally, some of their code was declassified. We looked at it, and one piece of it contained a routine for reading one million or so integers from a file. Rather than opening the file once and reading them all in, there was a loop: it would open the file, read the first integer, and close it; then open it again, read the second integer, and close it; etc. * Customer: "How fast will my COM ports go?" * Tech Support: "How hard can you throw your computer?" ======= * Customer: "Can I ask you a really stupid question?" * Tech Support: "Yes. And history will bear me out on that." Needless to say, that user was also a friend. I have always wanted to say this to someone, and there he was! ======= Our service does not work with a UART older than the 16550 one. One customer had an older UART chip, and he refused to believe it would keep him from using our service. He got very upset, finally snapping: * Customer: "What does UART stand for anyway??" * Tech Support: "It stands for UART gettin' online!" ======= * Customer: "When I touch the sound card board at the back of my PC, I can feel electric current." * Tech Support: "Then don't touch it." ======= * Student: "How do I make a paper longer?" * Consultant: "You write more." ======= * Tech Support: "Ok, let's put your operating system disk in the drive." * Customer: "Ok...which way does it go in?" * Tech Support: "The shiny side faces down." * Customer: "Alright...um...which way is down." * Tech Support: (rolling eyes) "Towards the floor." * Customer: "Ahhh...so what way does the other side face?" * Tech Support: "Are you kidding?" * Customer: (outraged) "Hey! I'm not a computer genius, ok? That's why I called you!" * Tech Support: "Ok, that side faces down too." That kept her occupied for a couple of minutes, while I told my colleagues what was happening and we had a good laugh. ======= I work in the technical support department for a national ISP. One day, I was listening to the conversation of a tech next to me talking to a very frustrated woman. Apparently she had been having trouble getting online with our software, and the previous tech had her go into Dial-up Networking to create a new connection and get her online, so she could then download our software. That, amazingly, had been successful, but she was calling back to complain that when she had finished downloading the software and opened the CDROM drive, there was nothing in there. The tech replied, in his thick Australian accent, "Ma'am, this is not a vending machine." ======= An old man walked into our computer store. He was talking extemely loud, and eventually walked up to the counter and spat, "I need to upgrade my boots! They don't kick @$$ anymore!" I told him it sounded like a user error to me. ======= I worked on my manager's computer a while back. While waiting for an operation to complete, I was idly spinning the cursor around the screen, as many do. My manager asked why techs often seem to do that. "Oh," I said, "sometimes you have to spin the mouse around in a clockwise direction to wind it up. You don't have to do it very often, but we usually do it while we're working on other things to save time." The manager swallowed the story, and my co-workers and I had a good chuckle about it later. A few days later, another of our guys was working on the same machine. The manager caught him moving the cursor around while he was waiting on the computer to finish something. "Why are you spinning the cursor counterclockwise?" the manager asked. Without missing a beat, he replied, "Every so often, they get wound up too tight, and you have to unwind them." ======= This story is from dark ages, before PC helpdesks were invented, PCs ran DOS, and Windows hadn't been inflicted on the world. We were slowly moving from mainframe green-screen terminals to desktop PCs. This particular Monday morning, I got a trouble call from the internal auditors. They were a powerful bunch. Get on their bad side, and they might decide to audit you, so people tried to keep them happy. They had demanded a PC, even though they hadn't a clue how to use it or what to use it for. But they got what they asked for, and one day they had a problem. The reported problem seemed simple -- the roof of the audit office had let the rain in over the weekend, and they were concerned that their PC had maybe been damaged by the water. No, they hadn't turned it on -- very sensible. Now it so happened that a few months previously I had been evaluating some shareware, and the collection I'd ordered included just the right programs, a scheduler and a couple of harmless jokes. So I dug out the appropriate 5-1/4" floppy and wandered up to the audit office. The leak hadn't been serious; the area was at worst damp, not wet. The PC looked ok. I powered it up, looking for smoke and sparks. Everything seemed to work. I explained that I needed to do a few checks, and was it ok to use their computer or was there any thing sensitive on it? They gave the go-ahead. I put the floppy in and used a few utilities from it to do some basic checks. I also did a few edits to the root directory of the floppy, setting the trap -- they weren't watching what I was doing, silly auditors! I pronounced the machine to be fine and rebooted it, priming the trap. I advised them to leave the PC on but not use it for a while, just in case it needed to dry out. Back in the office, I explained what was happening to the technorati. The atmosphere was strained as we awaited the end of the 10 minute countdown I'd set. Sure enough, less than a minute after the trap fired, there was a panicking auditor on the phone. It seemed that the damp PC had put up a big, bright message announcing "water damage detected - spin cycle starting" and was making loud noises like a washing machine spinning. I returned and gravely inspected the scene. The auditors were not-quite-cowering as far from the PC as possible. It was easy to extract the floppy and reboot the PC, getting it back to normal. "No real damage done -- the spin-cycle seems to have worked," I announced. I escaped before I exploded into laughter. Eventually, the head auditor arrived for a "quiet word." He hadn't been around for the fun but had received a full report. A bright boy, this one -- he knew his team had been duped and wanted to know how. I confessed, and he roared with laughter, shook my hand, and congratulated me. Not the response I was expecting! ======= I was interning at a local ISP and every once in a while got to take a tech support call. I probably only took about five at the most. Here's the best one. * Tech Support: "Tech support." * Customer: "Yeah, every time I get on the Internet and leave my computer, I get disconnected." * Tech Support: "How long are you away from your computer?" * Customer: "About 10-20 minutes." * Tech Support: "Sir, if you're idle for more than 15 minutes, we disconnect you." * Customer: "Well don't disconnect me!" * Tech Support: "It's not us, sir -- it's the servers, they do it automatically." * Customer: "Change it, then." * Tech Support: "I can't." * Customer: "Yes you can!" * Tech Support: "Sir, I'm not allowed to." * Customer: "I pay for this service, and dammit, you're going to change it!" * Tech Support: "Sir, I'm not allowed to change it. Bottom line." * Customer: "And why not!?" * Tech Support: "Because I'm not the administrator." * Customer: "Well tell him to change it!" * Tech Support: "I can't do that either. The administrator hates me." * Customer: "Why?" * Tech Support: "Because I won our last Nerf tournament." * Customer: "Nerf tournament?! I pay you guys to play with toys?" * Tech Support: "We do it in our spare time." * Customer: "I want to talk to your supervisor!" * Tech Support: "Sorry, but my supervisor is the administrator, and he's busy." * Customer: "Well, I'm going to rat you out about your little Nerf gun secret!" * Tech Support: "Tell the owner -- it'll give him more of a reason to come down here to play with us." He hung up. ======= * Customer: "Hello, I have a problem. My name is Bob Murton." * Tech Support: "I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that problem." I did call him back and helped him fix his problem. He didn't complain about my response, but he did get members of the department asking for a while afterwards if he'd fixed his "other" problem. ======= When working as a computer consultant in college, a co-worker and I were playing around with the NETSEND command in Windows NT. At one point he accidentally sent a message to all the NTs in the lab that said, "Can you see me?" Shortly thereafter, a girl came to our station looking perturbed. * Girl: "Um, my computer is talking to me. It's asking if I can see it." * Co-Worker: "Can you see it?" * Girl: "Yes." * Co-Worker: "Click OK." We laughed for a good fifteen minutes after that. ======= While I was at college I had to develop and install a new mainframe payroll update system. I coded it up and finally the day came to introduce it to the business office. I couldn't resist. I told the staff there that the system had an advanced feature whereby it could read hand prints off the screen to authenticate the user. So after they keyed in their usernames and passwords, I had them put their hands on the screen and hit enter. I had the cursor flash across the screen, like it was scanning the hand print, and then a message would welcome them to the system. For about a week, all five staff members were putting their hands on the screen to log in. Then one day my boss happened to notice what they were doing and had me remove the "scanning" part. ======= In 1989 I worked as a repair tech for a company that made Amiga and Atari modems and hard drives. On one of the Atari computers I used for testing, I added a screen saver that just made a blank screen. One of the female line leads used this particular computer for auditing floppy disks and was unaware that I had added the screen saver. One day when she came over to test a few disks, she asked if I would turn the computer on for her. I told her that it was already on and jokingly told her that there was a loose connection somewhere in the computer, but if you bang on the table by the computer it should fix it long enough for her test (when in reality, it was just bumping the mouse and turning off the screen saver). I even banged on the table to show her. She accepted this and continued to bang on the table whenever she tested some disks, and each time I had to hold in the laugher. I decided to see how long I could get her to believe this. A couple of weeks later she was training someone new to her crew and included the table banging to "activate the loose connection" as part of the training. This went on for a month before I finally decided to tell her what was going on when one day she banged on the table a good ten times trying to activate a computer that was turned off. ======= I am a system administrator, but at times, when I'm feeling benevolent, I assist technically challenged users. I was speaking with one of the network analysts while enjoying a cup of latte, when a woman from the Health Services department frantically rushed over to us. We told her to call the help desk, which is what she is supposed to do first, and then her problem would probably be assigned to one of us. She couldn't wait, though -- you know that scenario. She needed to copy a document to a disk immediately, but her disk drive was "broken." She was flailing her arms with the diskette in her hand saying, "I keep trying to put the diskette in, but it won't go in. The disk drive is broken!" The analyst and I looked at each other, then followed her to her computer. We stood next to her as she repeated her story. At the same time, she was unsuccessfully attempting to shove her diskette into the drive...with the disk upside down. I told her that there wasn't anything wrong with her drive. I said her computer was upside down. ======= I just had a phone call from a high-level academic asking why his screen was so white, bright, and blurry, and if there was any way he could increase the amount of ink it used. I directed him to his monitor's brightness and contrast controls. * Him: "Brightness and contrast controls? What do they do?" As a friend of mine has just commented, "Funny. There's a brightness dial on the monitor, but the users don't get any smarter." ======= My boss received complaint about me from one of those users that hates all tech support personnel. He said, quote: * Customer: "I don't know what that idiot did, but my PC was LAN connected yesterday, and now it's not." I had not touched this person's PC for several months. I went to her desk and discovered she had moved her desk to the other side of the cube. She had disconnected the Cat 5 LAN cable because it was too short to reach the new desk location. She was not in the area, so I moved the desk back and hooked the PC to the LAN. I left a note saying it would "only work on this side of the cube." Being an "idiot," I doubt that I could have found any of the longer LAN cables in the tub drawer at my desk. ======= One night there was a thunderstorm in the area, and one customer, notorious among the tech support crowd, called: * Customer: "Did you know about the thunderstorm? I heard that I should unplug my computer. Should I do that?" * Tech Support: "In most cases, yes, it is best to at least unplug your phone line. Lightning sometimes causes power surges that can damage your modem." * Customer: "Can it damage other things as well...like the phone?" * Tech Support: "I've never heard of that happening before, but it is a possibility." * Customer: "So do you think that I should unplug the phone from my computer and from all the phones as well?" * Tech Support: (frustrated) "Couldn't hurt." * Customer: "So when can I plug them all back in?" * Tech Support: (really annoyed now) "When the storm is over." * Customer: "How will I know when it's safe, though?" My face lit up like a Christmas tree, and it was all I could do to keep myself breathing evenly. * Tech Support: "I will call you." * Customer: "Ok! Thank you!" ======= The owner of the company I was serving as system administrator, webmaster, and whipping boy, showed up one day and plopped down with his laptop and prepared to do some work. All of a sudden I heard my name called, so I ran up there and the following exchange occurred: * Him: "Hey! I got a problem! It starts loading Windows, shows the startup screen, then it just dies. Fix it." * Me: "Is the battery charged?" * Him: "Of course! Just put a new one in." So I sat down and crank the laptop up. Sure enough, Windows started loading, and then the whole thing died. Fearing the worst, I tried it again (it'd been a long day), and the same thing happened. This is when I spotted one end of the power cord lying on the desk. I plugged it in, and it worked just fine. I played out a hand of solitaire (like I said, it'd been a long day). When I told him that I'd fixed it, he was astonished and asked how. I still remember my response to him: * Me: "I had to hack at your registry for a bit because a virus had caused a conflict between your mouse port and the UART in your CONFIG.SYS. It was real touch and go for a while there, but I managed to get it by converting your kernel from binary to hexadecimal and backending one of your IRQs into your BIOS." And he actually bought it. ======= * Tech Support: "Am I speaking with Mr. Brown?" * Customer: (in a heavy Italian accent) "Yesss, who eees this?" * Tech Support: "This is technical support. I see you requested to speak to a Mac expert." * Customer: "And you are theees Mac expert?" * Tech Support: "Yes sir, I am. I see here you're having trouble receiving e-mail--" * Customer: "Yes, your *&@$% company put me on the phone weeeth a stupid woman who didn't know @#$% about Macs and she @#$^ up my compoooota." * Tech Support: "Ok sir, calm down. What specifically is the problem you're having with email?" * Customer: "Cannot you read, stupid woman? Eeeet should say in the teeeecket." * Tech Support: "Sir, if you do not cease using abusive langauge and profanity, I shall terminate this call immediately." * Customer: (mocking tone) "Oooooooh, okay, threatening the customer are we now?" * Tech Support: "Sir, I will repeat my question. What specifically is the problem you are having with email?" * Customer: "Well, every time I go and try to get eeet, it ask me for a pazzword. It never do that before." * Tech Support: "Do you know your password?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Did you enter your password?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: (head in hands) "Sir, if it is prompting you for a password, you must enter one to receive your email." * Customer: "But but but, I never deeeed theees before, and it work FINE." * Tech Support: "What email client are you using?" * Customer: "Don't use those big eendustry terms to scaaare me. What is meaning client?" * Tech Support: "What program do you use?" * Customer: "Netscape, I justa download it. I hated that !@#$%@ Eudora." * Tech Support: "Ok sir, I can help you configure Netscape so it won't always ask you for your password, but it will ask for it once." * Customer: "But I never enter a #$!@%-ing password before!" After much cajoling and gratuitous verbal abuse, he finally consented to let me configure his program. He downloaded his mail and then asked, in a sneering tone: * Customer: "So you are the Mac expert, eh?" * Tech Support: "Well, I'm not certified by Apple or anything, but I do own a Mac, and I do fine on it." * Customer: "Ok, what ees this Mac TCP DNR file, what does it dooo?" * Tech Support: "Well, the DNR stands for Domain Name Resolver." * Customer: "Eeees that eeeeeeeet?" * Tech Support: "Sir, if you want the specifics on that particular file, I suggest you contact Apple tech support." * Customer: "Some @#$%-ing Mac experta you ar-a, you stupid woman!" * Tech Support: "Sir, I must stress to you that being abusive to technical support can result in the loss of service." * Customer: "Yeah, right-a, som-a stupid woman is-a gonna cancel my account!" * Tech Support: "Consider yourself reported." (click) After that, I received a gushing email from a fellow tech who did a check on the guy a few weeks after the call. By his name and encrypted password was the word "cancelled." Sweet. ======= I work in a small computer store, not only as a tech, but also as a salesperson. A customer came to me with a question about whether a piece of software would run on his computer. * Me: "Have you checked the minimum system requirements on the box?" * Customer: "The what? Look, I just bought a computer here four months ago. Just tell me whether it will work." Alarm bells go off in my head. * Me: "Well, what kind of system did you buy?" * Customer: "I dunno, it was a [brand name]." * Me: (grasping at straws, losing the will to live) "How fast is the system?" * Customer: "Well, it's Microsoft 98." Ten minutes later, after making no progress whatsoever, I decided to throw together some random jargon and buzzwords to get rid of him. * Me: "Well sir, I hate to tell you this, but your BIOS would cause an DMA type 3 conflict on the processor cache, causing a complete system shut down. I'm sorry, but you can't run this program." The customer, unhappy with our "poor service," rants, raves, and goes down the street to another computer store. I happen to have a friend there, so I called him, warned him, and told him what to say. Last I heard, the guy was still trying to figure out how to stop a DMA type 3 conflict with the processor cache. ======= I work as a clerk in a computer store. Once a guy came in needing RAM for his 486. I told him he probably needed parity SIMMs. * Customer: "Isn't non-parity faster?" * Me: "Well, yeah, more or less." * Customer: "That's what I want." * Me: "Well, sir, that won't work in your machine." * Customer: "Yes, it will. My friend said it was faster and that it would work." * Me: "Sir, non-parity is for 120 Pentiums and better. I assure you, it will not work in your machine." * Customer: "My friend says it will, and he's a computer genius." * Me: "Fine." I put the parity away and got him two 8 meg non parity. As he left, I got a good one in. * Me: "See you tomorrow. Hang on to your receipt." ======= I had just completed a test install of a LAN-based remote control tool, when a VERY dependant secretary called my office. She calls me way too often to have me show her how to do very basic things. Her boss, "Don," insisted that "Tess" did not need special training, only my occasional assistance. That day, Tess was frustrated while trying to learn how to use the thesaurus feature in Word 97. I recommended that she use the Help Assistant to learn. She was unaware of how the assistant worked; an idea came to mind. * Me: "Go to 'Help' and choose 'Microsoft Word Help'." * Her: "Ok. A little paper clip came up. Ha ha!" * Me: "Now, see the text box? Keep your eye on it, and tell me what it says." * Her: "'Hi...Tess.... So you want...to learn about...the thesaurus...today?'" * Me: "Now say 'Yes.' Don't type it." * Her: "'Yes.'" * Me: "Now what does it say?" * Her: "First...I must suggest you...read 'Word 97...for Dummies.'" * Me: "Ask where it is." * Her: "Where is it?" (pause) "It says it is in my cabinet above my desk." * Me: "Oh, good. Always trust the Help Assistant. You will be proficient very soon. Now the assistant knows you are going to get smarter, so it will now want you to type your questions in that box." * Her: "Hey Don, I can talk to my computer!" * Me: "Gotta go!" (click) ======= * Customer: "I'm trying to install Word 4.0, and it won't let me!" * Tech Support: "Word 4.0!? Isn't that several years old?" * Customer: "Yeah, I got it when I was a freshwoman and never installed it." * Tech Support: "Ok, so what is the problem?" * Customer: "It keeps asking for disk 5." * Tech Support: "What happens when you insert disk 5?" * Customer: "That's the problem! I don't have disk 5. I only have disks 1-4 and 6!" * Tech Support: (stunned) "Ah. Um. Well, you need disk 5 to install the program." * Customer: "No I don't!" * Tech Support: "Uh. Yes. You do. If you don't, the program can't install. You can come to the HAC lab and use our PC's. We have Word 6.0." * Customer: "I don't have to do that! I need to install this program now! My paper was due this morning!" * Tech Support: "Look, you can't install the program without the fifth disk. It can't be done." * Customer: "Yes you can. My friends told me if I'm missing only one disk, it will install. I'll just be missing some fonts." * Tech Support: "That might be true if you were missing the last disk. But you are missing a middle disk. Just come down to the lab and use our computers." * Customer: "What, do you think I don't know anything about computers? I need to install this, you idiot! My paper was due hours ago!" * Tech Support: "I'm sorry. It simply can not be done. You are going to have to use another computer or program." * Customer: "Don't treat me like an idiot! I know it can be done. You don't know anything you moron. Put someone who knows what they are talking about on the phone." I snapped. Keep in mind that (a) we don't really do tech support, so she can't complain to anyone, and (b) even if she does, as one of the only competent student employees, I can get away with a lot. I laid into her hard, called her some nasty names, and hung up the phone. I'm so glad I was able to do that. ======= * Customer: "I can't read my fonts anymore." * Tech Support: "Pardon?" * Customer: "My fonts have all disappeared from the screen." * Tech Support: "Really. Uhhh...have you changed anything recently?" * Customer: "No. It happened this morning." * Tech Support: "Ok, I'll log a call and be there in a few minutes." I trudged down to her cubicle (she had gone out for coffee) and looked at her Windows 3.11 workstation. She had changed her background window color to mauve, and her text color to mauve. I switched her text color to black and left a post-it note saying the problem was fixed. Fifteen minutes later: * Customer: "The fonts are gone again." * Tech Support: "Really? Did you change anything?" * Customer: "Well, they had been black, but that was hard to read, so I tried changing the colors, and they disappeared again!" * Tech Support: "Hold on, I'll be down." Again, she had gone for coffee while I was there (she drank a lot of coffee). Now her background color was blue, and her text color was blue. Sick of this, I selected "Windows Default" for the color scheme. Then I changed the permissions on her DESKTOP.INI file to read-only. I left the post-it note and went back to my game of solitaire. * Customer: "Hi! My colors won't work." * Tech Support: "Yes, last time I was down I discovered an error in your Windows setup which I then was able to link back to a small hardware bug in your CPU. It seems that the ALU is interfering with your video accelerator." * Customer: "What does all this mean?" * Tech Support: "You can't switch Windows colors from default anymore. Nothing can be done. Sorry." * Customer: "Oh, all right, thanks." ======= I once went on site to fix a problem a customer had. Nothing would come up. I asked if he cycled the power, and he said he did. I asked him to show me exactly what he had done. He turned the monitor off and on again. I reached down under the desk, hit the reset button, and everything was fine. He asked what the problem was. I said, "Don't worry about it sir, it's an eye-dee-ten-tee error -- takes too long to explain -- have a nice day." Write down 'I,' 'D', '10', and 'T' together, and you'll see what I meant. ======= * Customer: "I want to send an email. How do I do it from WordPerfect?" * Tech Support: "Do you have an email program?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Are you on a network?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Do you have a modem?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Then you can't send email." * Customer: "This program is useless! How am I going to send an email!?" * Tech Support: "Well, if you push the send button a small door will open at the back of your monitor, and a pigeon will fly out with your message." I had the phone on mute when I said this last line, but my supervisor didn't know it. The look on his face was great. ======= * Customer: "What's the fastest way to move 500 megabytes of data daily from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?" * Tech Support: "Fed Ex." ======= * Customer: "I can't get loaded!" * Tech Support: "Try stronger drinks." ======= The classic Freudian slip delivered to PC users whose mouse and modem share the same interrupt request: * "The problem is an IQ conflict..." ======= I have a Mac friend that convinced the other IBM people at his company that when the token ring network went down, it was due to someone removing the cable and the token falling out. He actually had businessmen on the floor looking for it. I think he eventually stated he found it himself to avoid getting lynched. ======= Way back, in the early 80s, I programmed a printer driver. But I made a really stupid mistake: I converted all characters to lower case. Just when I realized it, a supervisor came in and wanted to see whether the driver would work. He saw immediately that my test printing was in all lower case. He asked what could be wrong. I replied, pointing to the printer cable, "We need thicker wires for the upper case letters to come through." It took him at least ten seconds to realize that I was joking. ======= Some years ago, I was working for Apple's Customer Service line, answering as many technical support calls as possible. Since this was before Apple offered "official" customer assistance, I often answered technical questions with the standard company line, "Have you called your Apple dealer yet?" One day I received a call from an elderly woman, who wanted to pay her local utility bill. I told the woman that she had reached Apple Computer, and that she had probably dialed the wrong number, fully expecting that she would acknowledge her error and that this would be the end of the call. Much to my surprise, she countered, "Young man, don't tell me where I've called. I dial this number every week and you can't tell me that I cannot pay my bill through this number!" I was stunned. I repeated my insistence to her that she had reached the wrong number. Still, she wouldn't budge. She had dialed the right number, and come hell or high water she was going to talk to someone who could help her. I was exasperated, but being the quick thinking employee that I am, I replied, "My mistake ma'am, you are correct, you have dialed PG & E. If you just tell me the amount on your bill, I'll enter it into our records here." I made some keyboard noises in the background trying to sound as official as possible. "You're all set here, Ma'am. You can just mail your check into us." There was a pause on her end. Then, "Could you give me the billing address so I can mail my check to you?" Red alert! "Uhhhh, Ma'am? Our address should be right there on your bill." "Oh yes, you're right." ======= * Tech Support: "Hello?" * Customer: "Cursor's broke." * Tech Support: "Beg your pardon?" * Customer: "Cursor's broke on my VT220 computer." A VT220, of course, is the model number of a dumb terminal made by Digital. * Tech Support: "Did you try plugging it in?" * Customer: "Of course I did. What do think I am, an idiot?" * Tech Support: "Sometimes on those VT220 'computers' you have to reverse the polarity on the plug. Can you unplug it and turn the plug upside down and plug it back in?" The tech knows full well that the cord has a grounded three-pronged plug that cannot be plugged in upside down. * Customer: "Ok, hold on." Pause. Beep! * Customer: "Ok, I've reversed the polarity and it works fine now!" ======= This is a firsthand account of a phone conversation that occurred during my brief employment at an office supply store. * Customer: "Hi, do you carry modems there?" * Me: "Yes we do, we have quite a variety, is there any one in particular you are looking for?" * Customer: "No, not really. I'm just looking for some prices to work with." * Me: "Ok, well, are you looking for an internal or external modem?" * Customer: "External, definitely external." * Me: "We have some very generic 56K modems that run about 75-100 dollars. We also have a higher quality modem from 3-COM that are also 56K and cost about 150 dollars." * Customer: "WOW! Is that all they cost nowadays??" * Me: "Uhm, yep, that's about the usual prices of modems these days." * Customer: "And here I read in the flyer just the other week that they cost upwards of 800 dollars!" * Me: "Er...for a modem?" * Customer: "That's what I read in the flyer. I need a modem so I can do some work and get online and stuff." * Me: "Sir, how big would you say a modem is?" * Customer: "You're asking me? You're the tech guy, aren't you? I supposed they're a couple of feet tall." * Me: "Sir, what you want to purchase is a computer. A modem is just a small device that fits inside a computer that allows you to connect to the Internet." * Customer: "Yeah, that's what I want, a modem." * Me: "Do you own a computer?" * Customer: "No! What the heck do you think I'm calling asking for prices for!" * Me: "So you want prices on a new computer?" * Customer: "Yes! Dammit! Haven't you been listening?? I need to buy a new modem! May I speak with a manager please??" * Me: "Certainly, please hold." This was gonna be good. * Manager: "How can I help you?" * Customer: "I want to purchase a new modem and that lout on the other line is making me feel like an idiot." * Manager: "So why don't you just take a ride over, and we can show you some of our modems?" * Customer: "Because he told me your modems cost 150 dollars." * Manager: "And?" * Customer: "I've seen them everywhere else for 800 or more." * Manager: "You mean a computer, don't you?" * Customer: (yelling) "Is there anyone in that stupid store that will listen to what I'm saying!?" * Manager: "Sir, you apparently are, after all, an idiot." My manager and I laughed for weeks afterwards. ======= I work for an entertainment company that has about 150 stores. We run servers in the back office that connect out to dumb terminals that the associates use to ring sales. This is probably the worst call I had to field in two and half years of tech support: * Her: "Umm, My thingies aren't up!" * Me: "Your thingies aren't up?" * Her: "Yes, my thingies aren't up!!" * Me: "Ok, calm down. What exactly are you talking about?" * Her: "The thingies! You know, the thingies that have wires coming out of them!" * Me: "Do you mean the cash registers?" * Her: "I guess." * Me: "Are you talking about the thing that looks like a small TV screen. The place you ring up sales?" * Her: "Yeah! The TV thingies! They aren't up!" * Me: "Ok. What happens when you flip the switch on the front of the monitor?" * Her: "Nothing." * Me: "Are all of your terminals blank? Like they're turned off?" * Her: "Yes. Everything looks turned off." After ten minutes of checking power cords on one or two of the terminals her manager gets on the phone. * Him: "Why do you have my associate messing with the terminals?" * Me: "Because she called and asked for help." * Him: "Well I don't know who you think you are, but you WILL NOT tell my associates what to do!" * Me: "Well, sir, if you want this problem to get fixed, I'll have to talk to someone." * Him: "No! From now on we'll fix our problems by ourselves, we don't need your help anyway!" (click) Riiiiinnnnnnngggggg....... * Him: "Yeah, I need some help. The last idiot I talked to didn't know what he was talking about." * Me: "Well, sir I'll be glad to help." * Him: "Nothing is working." * Me: "Does any of the equipment in the backroom have power?" * Him: "Hold on.... No. Nothing has power. This entire side of town has been blacked out since 3:00am." * Me: "Sir, I need you to take the monitor from terminal 1 and move it to terminal 4, then take terminal 6 and move it to terminal 1." There is a long wait while he lugs the terminals around. It's not a pleasant task, because of all the dirt and dust that builds up. * Him: "Ok, I'm done. What now?" * Me: "Well, first, I was the 'idiot' you talked to before. Second, a man who doesn't realize that computers need power to work has no real right to comment on someone else's intelligence, does he?" * Him: "Uhh, bahh, uggh." (click) The actual time I spent with the manager on the phone was about twenty minutes. I got written up, but it was worth it. ======= An elderly lady bought a Mac Performa and when she got it home she decieded to give me a call. * Customer: "I opened my computer and set it up and I love it!" * Tech Support: "I'm glad to hear it how can I help you?" * Customer: "Well, I turned it on and can't seem to get anything to happen." * Tech Support: "Did you turn the power switch on?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Is the monitor on?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "What do you see?" * Customer: "The same thing I saw in your store." * Tech Support: "What is the problem?" * Customer: "I can't get the arrow to move." * Tech Support: "Ok, what do you have plugged into the system?" * Customer: "Well, the thing with the letters on it and this foot pedal thing." * Tech Support: "Is the foot pedal on a chair mat?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Well, you will need to get one before it will work." * Customer: "Thank you, I'll do that." ======= Last night, I had a woman on the phone who was trying to get her Mac's DOS card to see more memory. Not only did she change her story ten times, but she kept restarting the Mac, over and over. * Tech Support: "Let's change this option in PC Setup now, ok?" BONG! * Tech Support: "Ma'am, why did you restart your Mac?" * Customer: "I wanted the changes to take effect." * Tech Support: "Please don't restart until I ask you to, ok?" * Customer: "Ok." Anyway, we'd go back into the PC Setup, change something, and then, inevitably, BONG! I got so upset, I finally said to her, "Ma'am, you shouldn't restart so much, you're going to burn out your restarting coil, and that's not covered under Apple's warranty." She got so scared, she didn't even want to restart her Mac ever again. She even told me, "Thank you so much for telling me that, I don't want to burn out my coil." ======= A support representative friend of mine came up to me one day and said that he thought he had done something wrong. He had been walking a novice Mac user through rebuilding her desktop. She tiresomely questioned every direction the technician made. After half an hour of patiently talking her through what should have been a one minute process, she finally stated, "Oh! Now it says, 'Are you sure you want to rebuild the desktop on the disk XXX?'" * Tech Support: "Ok--" * Customer: "Oh, now there's something like a spinning barber pole on the screen." * Tech Support: "You didn't press 'OK' did you?" * Customer: "Yes. You said 'OK'." * Tech Support: (acting alarmed) "I just said 'Ok,' I didn't mean for you to press 'OK'!" * Customer: (panicking) "What should I do now?" * Tech Support: "Run! Get out of there! Run! Run!" The next thing he heard was the phone hitting the floor, the sound of rapidly retreating footsteps, and a door slam. After numerous calls over the course of an hour, the customer finally answered the phone. She had waited outside for an hour -- when the computer didn't explode, she went back inside and unplugged it. ======= I forwarded the Computer Stupidities anecdote listed above to a friend of mine in our in-house computer support department. He thought I was having a real problem. He asked what kind of XXX stuff I was getting on my computer. ======= * Customer: "I tried to use this web page from my bookmarks, but it comes back with a DNS failure!" * Tech Support: "Can you go anywhere else?" * Customer: "YES!" * Tech Support: "Then it's probably that the web site is down for repairs or that it's been discontinued. That happens on the Internet." * Customer: "Well, go out and fix it! It's at [some obscure site in Japan]." * Tech Support: "That would require me to take Japanese language lessons for about six months. Then you will have to send me money and plane tickets to travel to Japan to speak with the people who shut down the web site." * Customer: "Geez, all I want is naked pictures!" * Tech Support: "Who is your supervisor, so we can make arrangements?" * Customer: "Ms. [such and such]." * Tech Support: "Ok, please hold, and we'll have a conference call..." ======= I work in the IS department of a healthcare company, and we are converting all our sites from old LANtastic networks to Windows NT server and new computers running Windows 95. A manager at one of the sites called me with a problem. * Manager: "How come I can't log into this new server?" * Me: "Well, although on the old system the server can double as a workstation, the new system no longer allows that. You can't log into the server as a user. You'll have to use one of the new Windows 95 machines." * Manager: "What?? Look, I'm the site manager, and I should have the best computer. I shouldn't have to use the same old machines as every other common employee." I put her on hold and called her site on my other line. When I got the receptionist, I asked, "What's your manager wearing today?" She gave me a full description. I went back to the other line. * Me: "You probably don't want to use the server anyway, because we can see you from it." * Manager: "What?" I described exactly what she was wearing, right down to the fact that she'd spilled coffee on her blouse earlier in the day. She hasn't called back since. ======= My friend was quite good with computers. His brother was not. His brother's biggest problem was double clicking. He could never seem to do it fast enough and would often get very frustrated in his attempts. One day, while his brother was away, my friend took a snapshot of his brother's screen, set it as the wallpaper, and cleared the desktop of all icons. You can't even begin to imagine how frustrated his brother grew trying and failing for hours to click on the "icons" in the wallpaper. ======= * Customer: "I'm sorry. I think I just deleted the Internet!" * Tech Support: "That's ok. We have it backed up here on tape somewhere." ======= * Customer: "I think I broke the Internet!" * Tech Support: "So it was you!" * Customer: (click) ======= * Customer: "I just re-crashed and re-burned my computer, and I need some help getting my Internet to work." * Tech Support: "You did what now?" * Customer: "I re-crashed and re-burned my computer." * Tech Support: "Well, maybe that's why it's not working. It's in pieces and on fire." * Customer: "Huh?" * Tech Support: (sigh) ======= My senior year of high school, I was helping a friend of mine (who was a tech aid for the school) work the bugs out of a new administration program the computer labs were going to use. This was an override program the teacher could use to get the entire class' attention, or just a certain person if need be. The teacher hadn't realized we had the program working and we were looking around at other students' screens. The teacher was helping a particular student with something when I looked at my friend and gave him an idea. Suddenly, the teacher's monitor went black, and the words, "Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue" appeared. After a trip to the math department, the teacher returned to a class that had been laughing the whole time she'd been gone. ======= My senior year in high school, I spent about half my school day helping the computer teacher and helping to administer the school network. We had a program on the network that would allow you to pull up the screen of another computer and control it remotely. I was bored one day, and so I logged myself in as the administrator and proceeded to "check up" on the students in the computer room to see what they were working on. I found one girl I knew typing a steamy letter and decided to scare her a bit. I started by erasing a few of the characters in her letter. She paused for a minute, but then continued typing, so I did it again. This time, she paused for a longer period and then started backspacing her whole letter. I then wrote "hello" on her screen. After a while she finally responded, and we got a bit of a conversation going. She asked who this was, and I told her I was stuck in her computer and couldn't get out. She fell for it and asked how she could help. I told her she needed to lick the computer screen. She said she did. I didn't believe her, but I continued: I said she needed to stand up and act like a chicken. A minute passed, and she said she did that, too. I didn't thinks he had, and this time I told her so, but she responded by saying that not only had she done what I asked but had gotten detention for it. An hour later, I went into the computer room, and the teacher told me that he had had to give a student detention. I asked why, and he said that he was watching her and all of a sudden she licked her computer screen and stood up and acted like a chicken. It was all I could do to keep from laughing. ======= I work on a help desk for a company that sells large orders to government agencies. They have their own on-site techs who call now and again, and together we can usually determine and resolve the problem quite quickly. However one tech recently called and told me they needed three 20 gig hard drives in one machine for a special project. He asked me, "How much does a 20 gig hard drive weigh when it is full?" When I realized he was serious, and since he represented a twenty million dollar client, I had to give him a serious answer. "We don't ship anything out with a hard drive bigger than 8.4 gigs, as it would get too heavy and take two people to lift the computer." He thanked me and told me that he would be advising his boss, as no one had thought of this and it would affect how they would direct the project. I heard from his boss a few weeks later, who told me that he did not appreciate what I had told his tech, but when I told him to tell me that with a straight face he said he was almost on the floor when he first heard the story. ======= I work doing tech support for a company with a large home user client base. It was my last call of the night, and the last thing I wanted was someone with a serious comprehension deficit. That, of course, is exactly what I got. A lady called up and said she had been waiting for three days for her computer to "resume Windows" (pronounced "res-u-may Windows"). * Customer: "It's been sayin' res-u-may Windows for three days. Now what should I do?" * Tech Support: "Have you tried to reboot the computer?" * Customer: "Yeah, it keeps on res-u-may-in'." * Tech Support: "When you reboot do you see the [company] logo?" * Customer: "Yeah, it's always there on the TV screen." Fifteen minutes later, I figured out that this woman thinks the logo I'm talking about is the monitor brand name on the frame of the monitor, and she has been "rebooting" by turning the monitor off and on again. I finally got her to reboot properly (a miracle in itself), and then: * Customer: "It says, 'Last try of hibernatin' is no good, try again, mash yes or no.'" * Tech Support: "Is that exactly what it says?" * Customer: "Yeah, should I mash 'yes' or 'no'?" * Tech Support: "Click on 'yes,' please." * Customer: "I don't know how to do that. Should I mash it?" * Tech Support: "Yes, [gritting teeth] mash 'yes.'" * Customer: "Why does it keep on a-doin' that? Tryin' to hibernate and all -- does it get tired if I use it too much?" * Tech Support: "Well, actually...if it keeps trying to hibernate, that must mean that it is way to cold in the room that you have it in. I suggest that you turn up the heater. That should help." * Customer: "Really? What if that doesn't work? Then what should I do?" * Tech Support: "Turn off the computer and--" * Customer: "By mashing the button right?" * Tech Support: "--uh, yeah, mash the button...then unplug it from the wall and wrap it in a few warm blankets for a few days. That always seems to help mine." * Customer: "Thanks! You've been so helpful! I'll go turn up the heat right now!" What can I say? I couldn't resist. ======= This is a true account of personal trial, which happened while I was working Tech Support for a company which sold Stock Analysis software. The company would sell data to its customers who would download said data from the company's database on a daily basis. Their listing of data was, therefore, kept on their hard drive, along with the data itself. * Me: "Thank you for calling, how can I help you?" * Him: "Yeah, I want my data back. You need my phone number?" * Me: "Back? What's happened to your data?" * Him: "It's gone. I need it back. Let's get this going, hmmm?" * Me: "Ummm...sir, what happened to it?" * Him: "Don't you worry about that. Just give me my freaking data." * Me: "Well, we have several options for data replacement. If you can send us a listing of the stocks you had--" * Him: "Send you a list? I don't have time for this !@*#$!&. Give me my data." * Me: "Uh, unfortunately, it's not that easy. We can--" * Him: "Look, buddy, don't jerk me around. Just press your little whachamajiggers there, zip me down my data, and we're good, ok?" * Me: "Well, sir, these are your options. You can--" * Him: "*$#& you, you stupid &#&$! Stick those options up your @#$*! Why won't you give me my data!?!?" For the next half hour, I try to explain amidst all the interruptions that he is going to have to pay for the replacement data, either by downloading it again or by getting it on disk from us, and that it would be Monday at the earliest (this was Friday, one hour before closing) before he got it back regardless of which method he chose. This, of course, was unacceptable and resulted in me being subjected to more tirades of ridiculous cursing and genetic analysis. Finally, just to change the subject (he refused to hang up, which I was hoping for), I inquired further into the whereabouts of his missing data. * Me: "Sir, what exactly was it that happened to your data?" * Him: "You have it there! What the hell is in your head?" * Me: "What happened to the data you used to have?" * Him: "Well, this is a new computer, and I need it here, if you morons can handle that." * Me: "Oh! Well, we can transfer it from the old machine. Is it--" * Him: "Nope, nope, can't do that. It's dead." * Me: "Dead?" * Him: "That's right, dead. Your software killed it, so I threw it away." * Me: "You...threw it away? What was wrong with it?" * Him: "What are you, deaf?!? It wouldn't work any more, the monitor, laser printer, nothing, so I threw it all away." * Me: "You threw away the printer?!?" * Him: "Yeah, damn thing cost me $8000 to replace it all, and I'm gonna sue you guys!" * Me: "Well, um, what was wrong with it? Did it get hit by lightning or something?" * Him: "I told you, your software killed it! You got @#!+ in your ears? I put your $#^&*# disk in, and the whole computer just died." * Me: "Died." * Him: "That's right, pooboy!! It wouldn't load anymore, not even windows, just a blank screen with some gobbledygook babble on it." * Me: "What babble was this? An error message?" * Him: "You're damn right, an error message, caused by your software!!! I hope you can clean toilets, buddy!" * Me: "Do you have the error message written down somewhere?" * Him: "Well, Mr. Smartypants, as a matter of fact I do! And I'm gonna use it in court to see you in rags!" * Me: "What's it say?" * Him: (rustle, rustle, curse, curse, mutter) "Ah hah! Here it is! It says, 'Non System Disk or Disk Error!' You'll pay for this!" At this point, I, and the other techs who were listening in by now, shared a great laugh, which I didn't bother to mute. * Me: "Sir, you will be happy to know that you threw away a perfectly good $8000 set of machinery because you were stupid enough to leave a disk in the drive." * Him: (long silence) "...well, I'm still gonna sue you guys..." * Me: "I want front row seats in the courtroom. Have a nice evening." (click) Epilogue: When he called back on Monday, the manager terminated his account for abusive behavior for that record two minutes, thirty-eight second call. ======= * Tech Support: "Sir, something has burned within your power supply." * Customer: "I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this." * Tech Support: "There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem." * Customer: "I know that there is something that I can put in...some command...maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS." Minutes later: * Tech Support: "Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer." Pause. * Customer: "It is still smoking." * Tech Support: "I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE." Four hours later, he calls back. * Tech Support: "Hello sir, how is your computer?" * Customer: "I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done?" I got a call from someone in our office. * Friend: "My computer's dead." * Me: "Ok, can you tell me what's wrong with it?" * Friend: "The screen's black. I got some coffee, came back, and the screen was black." It was a short walk to her desk, so off I go. Looking at the monitor, I saw that it was on with no flashing red lights, so I knew it was connected to the computer. Instinctively, my hand went to the mouse, and snap. The screen came back with all her work. * Friend: "WHAT DID YOU DO!?" * Me: "I moved your mouse. It was your screen saver." * Friend: "Thanks! You're a lifesaver!" ======= A guy called in and said, "My computer blew up!" But, really, he had only experienced the 'starfield' screen saver. ======= * My Dad: "I go upstairs. I run Pointcast [an online news service]. I hang up. I go downstairs. I come back up ten minutes later, and Pointcast turned itself on." * Me: "Pardon?" * My Dad: "I go back upstairs and there's Pointcast." * Me: "You're sure you shut it down?" * My Dad: "I think I did." * Me: (the light dawns) "Oh, Dad, that's a screen saver." ======= A student dropped by the school's computer lab and asked us if we could make lasers come out of the screen. He was very insistent about this being possible. I asked if he meant supermarket scanning lasers. He said no, the kind that damages your eyes, and also they move around. We were wondering if this was a clever engineering question, but finally he said his sister's computer could do it. One of us realized he was talking about one of the Windows screen savers. ======= I was doing Excel support at Microsoft shortly after Win95 came out. Someone called and needed some help on Excel. He told me he had left the computer for a few minutes, and when he came back, the "devil" had "possessed" his computer. He told me it was bubbling all over the place, and the devil was in his monitor. I told him to move the mouse. The devil left. It was the screen saver. ======= My mother frequently has to leave her computer on overnight at work, one day she installed a new screen saver and left it overnight. It turns out this screen saver makes some "less than normal" noises, and when the cleaning lady turned up she thought the room was possessed by ghosts. She has refused to clean the room since. ======= * Customer: "I ran your DSL installation CD, and it broke my computer. It's restarted, and now its stuck at the Windows XP logo, and it's been here for a hour before I called you guys." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's reboot your computer to see if it will boot up." Pause. * Tech Support: "Ok, what happened?" * Customer: "Well, I went to restart it and bumped the mouse, and now it's asking me to log in." * Tech Support: "OK, let's log in, then." * Customer: "Oh, the installation is still running. Why was my computer stuck at the startup?" * Tech Support: "By chance was the Windows XP logo changing position every couple of seconds?" * Customer: "Yes! It was! Why do you ask?" The customer had spent an hour and 45 minutes staring at the Windows XP screen saver. ======= * Me: "I have put this Movie Magic screen-saver on for you." * Manager: "Wow, that's a nice picture." * Me: "Yeah, it's not bad, is it?" * Manager: "Can you set the screen-saver so the picture doesn't change?" * Me: "Huh?" * Manager: "You know, so the same picture stays there while we work?" * Me: "Oh! You want this as the wallpaper?" * Manager: (angrily) "No! I don't want you to start decorating the office!" ======= This exchange with one of my co-workers had me laughing: * Coworker: "Hi! My screen saver has fallen off this terminal and hit the keyboard, causing it to lock up. Can you tell me how to fix it?" It turned out the polarized screen filter had fallen off and hit the scroll lock key. ======= Trying to ask how to remove a screen saver: * Customer: "I just go to My Computer and delete everything, right?" ======= My girlfriend is fond of The Little Mermaid, so she downloaded the free Little Mermaid screensaver offered at disney.com. After a month of using the screen saver, I got on to use the word processor, and I noticed I could see the words "Disney's The Little Mermaid" faintly at the bottom of my document. The screensaver, instead of "saving" the screen, caused those words to burn in on the monitor. High five to the geniuses who designed the thing. ======= I sold my old computer to a friend's friend. He never call me again. Some months latter I saw him and ask him how it was going. He told me that he had thrown it away because it was broken. When I asked him what the problem was, he told me that when he stopped typing for a while, the image on the screen started to melt and slip to the bottom, leaving a black space. If he touched the mouse or the keyboard, everything returned to normal. He was convinced I was sold him a defective machine and dumped the perfectly good computer. Apparently he haven't ever heard of screen savers, and I forgot to tell him I had installed one named "Screen Melt FX." ======= I was in the process of putting some new PCs in place of older ones in a small department here in the hospital. While I was working away, an older lady (the person in charge of the department) noticed that I had replaced her old 15" monitor with a brand new 17" monitor. She immediately came up to me and said: * Her: "Could you put my old monitor on the new computer?" * Me: "I could, but wouldn't you prefer the larger 17" monitor?" * Her: "Well, I wouldn't mind it, but I installed a $75 screen saver on the old monitor, and I don't want to lose it." * Me: "Well, don't worry about that. The new monitor will have that exact same screen saver." * Her: "You can transfer the screen saver off of my old monitor to the new one?" * Me: "I sure can." * Her: "Good." ======= * Tech Support: "Ma'am? I want you to stop clicking on your computer, move your hands away from the computer, don't touch the keyboard. Just stop. Move your hands away from the keyboard." * Customer: "But..." * Tech Support: "No, please follow my instructions." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Now, look on the screen. Do you see the To: field on your email message?" * Customer: "No, oh wait a minute, there it is, now I see it!" * Tech Support: "Great, now when I let you start typing again, this is where you would put the e-mail address in." * Customer: "Oh, I'm supposed to put it there? Oops, where did it go? Oh NO! What's happening to my computer?!" At this point I thought she was on acid. * Tech Support: "Ok, calm down, what is your computer doing?" * Customer: "It's got all these flying window things that are coming out of nowhere! They're going all over my screen, and, huh, ooooh, pretty colors." * Tech Support: "Uh, ma'am? That's your screen saver." ======= * Customer: "You've got to help me! I can't believe what's happening!" * Tech Support: "What's going on?" * Customer: "My screen! It's upside down, and it's swirling. I think this monitor's bad. Or something's taken over my computer. It's just so weird! I can't believe this. You've got to help me." It was the screen saver, of course. ======= * Customer: "I have a very big problem! If you don't help me right now I will return the computer!" * Tech Support: "Well sir, what can I do for you?" * Customer: "Well, I just got my system today, and my friend installed a screen saver, and it comes up fine...BUT EVERY TIME I MOVE THE MOUSE IT GOES AWAY!!!!!!!" ======= I was sitting with my friends in the local computer club. A girl walked in and spoke to the administrator: * Her: "Hey, can I use one of your computers?" * Admin: "Sure, station #3 is free." * Her: "But the screen is dark." * Admin: "It's just the screen saver. Press a button, and it'll go away." She pressed the power button. * Her: "But it's still dark!" ======= One of our clients called us because she had a "dead Mac." The machine was on, but the screen was blank, and nothing would wake it up. It turned out that the keyboard had become disconnected and, ten minutes after that, the screen blanker had activated. ======= I personally love the reaction of some people to the screen savers on the Macintoshes in our computer lab. I was sitting next to a blonde (at that point I didn't place any significance to this fact) who was typing a paper, and by the way she was doing it, it was clear that this was just about her first time. Well, a friend of hers sat at the computer across from hers, and they started chatting...and the screen saver kicked in. The scream was heard, I was told, around two corners in the hallway. After she'd nearly passed out, her friend told her that she hadn't lost anything, and that she could get back to what she was doing just by moving the mouse. She didn't count on the fact that when her friend jumped up in hysteria, she'd bumped the keyboard/mouse connector out of the socket. * Customer: "My system's on fire. What do I do?" ======= * Customer: "My terminal is smoking and shooting sparks. Should I unplug it?" ======= * Tech Support: "Hello, tech support, may I help you?" * Customer: (in a thick Russian accent) "Yes. Monitor is working fine but has sparks and smoke flying out back. Is ok?" * Tech Support: (blink) ======= * Customer: "Hi, um, my printer smells funny, and it's smoking." * Me: "Did you turn it off?" * Customer: "Well, no, I was told never to turn it off without running it through shutdown, and it won't go through shutdown." ======= * Customer: "There are smoke and flames coming from my computer." * Tech Support: "Uh, hang up, unplug the computer from the wall, and call the local fire department." * Customer: "That's not the problem. I need to know how to do a backup. Fastest possible method." ======= We write banking software for mini-computers. Our Help Desk got a call from a customer who was new to mini-computer operations. The call went something like this: * Customer: "There is smoke coming from the back of the computer. What should I do?" * Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department." * Customer: "Should I make a backup first?" * Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department." * Customer: "Shouldn't I at least run the shutdown procedure?" * Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department." ======= This sounds apocryphal, but I swear it's true: * Customer: "I've been connected to the Internet for about ten minutes now, and my computer started smoking about five minutes ago. Is your building on fire?" ======= Once I went to a customer's house to see what was wrong with her computer. It turned out that, since she had a lot of cats, she'd wrapped the entire computer in plastic wrap to keep the cat hair out. It had overheated so badly that the inside had turned black. ======= * Customer: "Ooh! That's probably not good." * Tech Support: "What's going on?" * Customer: "Well, some sparks just flew out of my modem." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, please disconnect the modem from the power supply immediately." * Customer: "Okay." * Tech Support: "What color were the sparks? Blue sparks simply means a static discharge, which isn't so bad. Yellow sparks means something worse. * Customer: "They're yellow." * Tech Support: "Okay, ma'am, do not hook that modem back up." * Customer: "Are you sure?" * Tech Support: "Positive." * Customer: "Really?" * Tech Support: "Absolutely." * Customer: "What if I use both hands?" * Tech Support: "What?" * Customer: "Well, I think the spark came out because I was trying to use one hand to plug the power in." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, please do not plug that power cord back in. It is not safe." * Customer: "But I've got both hand free now." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, that modem is a fire hazard, and having it plugged in is not safe. Please take it in to your local office, and I promise we will replace it for free." * Customer: "I've got both hands free. I'm just going to plug it back in." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, if you plug the modem back in, we will not be liable for any damages incurred to your computer or your home." * Customer: "Well I don't want to pay for it!" ======= I work at an ISP in the United Kingdom. The most shocking call I received came from a student at a local college here. He had received a CD for an ISP from an American friend. * Customer: "Hi there. I got this CD from an American, and he says that his ISP is better than mine because the calls are free. So can I install it?" * Me: "Yes sir, that's your choice completely. But is this an American ISP? Because if so, I don't think it will work with your computer." * Customer: "Listen, I happen to be a computer student. I know exactly what I'm doing, so don't insult my intelligence!" (click) Ten minutes later, he called back, humbled. * Customer: "My computer exploded." * Me: "What!? How did that happen?" * Customer: "Well, the CD didn't work. I couldn't get through to the ISP. So, I changed the computer to American power." He'd changed the voltage switch while the computer was on, causing the power supply to explode. ======= A user phoned me and complained that her monitor was smoking, smelled of burning, the display had gone wrong, and the monitor was too hot to touch. I suggested that she switch the monitor off until an engineer could look at it. * Customer: "How do I do that?" ======= I'm the manager of several computer network and desktop technicians. Recently, a user had been rolled out with a new desktop PC a day earlier. She insisted that this new PC was "giving off some kind of electrical rays or something." When a technician and I got to the user's office, she got a very serious look on her face and brought me over to the offending PC. She placed her hand, palm down on the desk, directly in front of the new computer. "You feel that?" she says. "That's electricity there! I even heard some kind of static on my phone for a second or two, and I've already had the phone guys replace it! FEEL this!" When I placed my hand on the desk, I felt distinct but almost miniscule vibrations from the PC chassis cooling fan oscillating on the desk surface. Just to check, I had the technician lift the PC about a half-inch off the desk to see if the "electricity" still was present. It wasn't. Trying hard to suppress the laughter, I told her it was only the cooling fan of the computer and that there was no electricity coursing through her desk. She wasn't happy about it. As we left, she called after us, "Well, if they ever come in here some morning and find me fried, you'll know why!" Yes. We'll know why. ======= One of our junior executives called me frantically one afternoon to inform me that his computer was sending out smoke and hissing at him. He said that he had unplugged it but to no avail. I rushed to his office to see. When I got there, I realized that he had over-watered the plants on his window sill and the excess water was running down into the heat register located behind his PC. ======= A friend of mine ran a 386 without a case. He had all the parts plugged together on his desk, just sitting in the open. One day he was working on it while someone was playing a game on it. What happened was described by him as "blue lightning from the power supply." He didn't learn his lesson. One day he decided to take apart his monitor. He was in the process of disassembling it when he touched the capacitor. He said his arm felt very strange for several hours. I consider it a miracle that the monitor survived. ======= * Customer: "Oh, help!" * Tech Support: "Sir! Are you alright?" * Customer: "I just blew up my computer! What do I do?" We discovered that the poor fellow had inadvertently stepped on his power strip, turning the whole thing off. The monitor make a slight popping noise as it did. And, it turned out, he was smoking a cigar at the time, and he thought the smoke curling around was from the monitor. By the time we figured that out, though, he'd already emptied a fire extinguisher into the mess. ======= A few years ago, my daughter took over my computer sales and service business. Although she is probably "techier" than I am now, at the time she was pretty inexperienced, particularly when it came to hardware. As part of her training, she assisted me while I did various repairs. I remember stressing to her, "When diagnosing and repairing problems, it's important to stay calm. If you panic, you'll make mistakes." We were installing a hard drive in one particular machine. The workbench was cluttered, so she had the case, and I had the keyboard and monitor a few feet away. After plugging everything in, I told her to hit the power switch while I got ready to access the CMOS from the keyboard. I was looking at the monitor when I heard her calmly say, "Ok, now the drive's on fire. Is that normal?" I had certainly never seen a drive actually burst into flames before (obviously it was VERY faulty), and I immediately shouted in a panicked voice "Turn it off! Turn it off!" My daughter, however, was completely calm. ======= * Customer: "Hi. I have a Macintosh. I had a disk that I wanted to put in the computer, but it wouldn't go, so I pushed harder, and it wouldn't go, so I pushed REALLY hard, and now it's making funny noises. I think there was a disk in there already." * Tech Support: "Unplug the computer, now." * Customer: "I don't want to lose my paper!" * Tech Support: "Unplug the computer right now. Your paper is lost. Your floppy drive is lost. If you're lucky the Mac will be OK. Unplug it now." * Customer: "But I don't want to lose my paper!" After a few more repetitions of this, I heard someone, presumably the client's roommate, scream. Then I heard the dorm fire alarm go off in the background. Those things are awful loud, but she didn't seem interested in unplugging the computer, fleeing the fire in her room, or anything else other than arguing with me. Figuring I was doing her a favor, I hung up. ======= * Tech Support: "Hello, tech support, can I help you?" * Customer: (slowly) "Oohh." (pause) "I think I did a bad thing." * Tech Support: "Ok, so tell me what's up." * Customer: "Well, my computer was running great. Everything was working fine, I had no problems whatsoever." * Tech Support: "Ok..." * Customer: "So I decided to open it up and have a look inside. I saw all these wires dangling all over the place. There were grey flat ones, and small red, black, and yellow ones, and it seemed like they weren't connected to anything. So I decided to plug them all in." * Tech Support: "Um, you mean you plugged them all in? What did you plug them into?" * Customer: "Well, whatever I could get them to connect to. I saw pins sticking off of some of the boards that didn't have anything on them, so I plugged all the loose wires in to make it run better." * Tech Support: "And then you..." * Customer: "And so I plugged them all in, and I hit the power button, and there was this loud bang and a flash and a puff of smoke. Now it doesn't work at all." * Tech Support: (suppressing all emotion and turning deep crimson) "Can you hold for a minute, please?" Kaboom! "Explosive" doesn't adequately describe the laughter. I related the story to some co-workers between gasps for breath. Several of the techs and I had quite the laugh fest while he was on hold. After about five minutes of eye-popping, sweat-beading laughter, I wiped away the tears, took a sip of water, and came back on the line. I knew it'd be futile to even attempt to troubleshoot it. * Tech Support: "Ok, well why don't we just have you wrap it up in the original packing material and send it back to us, we'll take care of the whole thing." And so another computer newbie learned that the extra power supply cables and unused IDE ribbon cables don't have to be plugged in for the computer to work just fine. ======= A lady's power supply was smoking, so she rang tech support and asked, "Is there a fire in the file server room? Because it's smoking at my end." ======= At college we had a lesson in which we set up problems for each other to diagnose and fix. For example, we'd not put the RAM in properly, plug IDE leads the wrong way, etc. Some clever person thought that it would be a good idea to switch the voltage on the PSU. The person "fixing" the PC plugged it in, turned it on, and BANG! ======= * Customer: "Hi, I think I've got a problem with my monitor." * Tech Support: "Ah. Do you still have an image?" * Customer: "Yes, best image ever. Thing is, when I look at it from the side, I see red hot components." * Tech Support: "Uh, when you look at it from the SIDE? How can you see any components?" * Customer: "Well, through that big smoking hole." ======= Back when I was in high school, I was in my first programming class. I had downloaded a DOS program. It presents a fake C:\> prompt and prints mildly rude messages instead of executing commands. After showing it to a few classmates, I ran it on the teacher's computer when he wasn't looking. After a few messages, he figured it out. Someone said, "Heh-heh, he did it," and revealed the culprit to be me. Fine. This particular program, after being rude for about a screen or so, starts getting apologetic, and finally ends with "Wait! Please don't turn me off! Noooooooooooo!" and gives you the real DOS prompt. Right when that message printed, the screen started wavering and dimming. Then smoke began to pour out of the back of the monitor. The screen went completely dead and smoke and big nasty flames were pouring out of the back of the monitor. The teacher had to hit it with the fire extinguisher. Luckily, he was smart enough to realize that this would be a very hard thing to do in software. It turned out the monitor was so dusty that the power supply had caught on fire. But for a moment I was terrified that I would be held responsible. It was a pretty amazing coincidence of timing. ======= A customer called, saying his computer was sparking, and they were afraid it was going to catch fire and burn the place down. This was a new computer, installed less than a month ago. Fearing the worst, I headed out to the site. All the cables had been unplugged and moved as far away from the computer as possible. Clearly, they were taking no chances. But there were no burnt odors anywhere. No scorch marks on the carpet, any of the cabling, or inside the computer. Finally, I plugged all the cables back in and turned on the computer. It booted up fine. Finally, I realized the Ethernet transmit light was orange in color, instead of the usual green. Eventually we figured out that they had seen it flickering when the lights in the room were off and mistook it for sparking. With users like this, I know I have job security. But will I be able to keep a straight face long enough to keep my customers? * Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." * Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" * Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective. * Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker the right side of the machine and vice versa." * Customer: (sputter) (click) * Tech Support: (snicker) ======= We sell Texas Instuments graphing calculators, the kind you can synch with your computer to put simple programs onto them. A customer called up with a problem his kid was having. They had tried to download a couple programs to the calculator, but neither worked. After a bit more conferring, it transpired that they had tried to put Quake III and WinAmp on the thing. I wonder how that kid thought he was going to listen to music on his calculator? ======= * A Friend: "Do you have a Soundblaster in your computer?" * Me: "No, I have a GUS MAX." * A Friend: "A what?" * Me: "You know a Gravis Ultrasound MAX card." * A Friend: "Yeah, that's right, like I told you. You have a Soundblaster." ======= Back in the days when "multimedia computer" was the latest buzzword, a student in my class overheard a conversation I had with my friend about sound cards. Later he came up to me asking me to copy my Soundblaster for him. I told him it was a piece of hardware, and you cannot copy it. The next day he gave me a disk and proudly announced it had a program on it to make hard copies. ======= I work as a consultant in the IT division of a big firm. One day the desktop computer I was using broke. It kept hanging up while loading the OS and printing some debug data on screen. It was quite obvious that something had gone awry with its hard disk, as it made horrible screeching noises. After a call to the tech support, they sent a guy that was visibly out of place. First, he kept rebooting the PC, waiting for it to hang up, and staring blankly at the monitor. After the twentieth restart, he decided to call another technician for help. After some talking and twiddling, he finally decided, "Well, in my opinion, something has gone wrong with the sound card. You know, it's saying 'BAD VOLUME' here." ======= One night my son was playing a computer game while I was watching TV. I asked him to turn the sound down, and he did. After a short while he came over to watch TV with me. Every so often I would hear the engine noise of his game. I asked him to turn off the game. He did. I was still hearing the noise and told at him to turn it off. He said he had switched off the power to the PC, but I was still hearing the engine noise about once a minute. We went over to look. Sure enough, the computer was off, but the sound was still there. We unplugged the speakers. Didn't help. We pulled out the batteries. Didn't help. Then I realized it was my pager that had been sitting on one of the speakers. ======= My apartment-mate (we'll call him "Mike") sheepishly entered my room, asking me if I could take a "look" at his computer. He rarely relies on my Mac expertise to solve a problem; he usually takes it on as a "challenge" to solve it himself. So I knew this must be a stumper. He turned on his Performa, and shortly after the extension parade, his Mac started beeping. Incessantly. Beep! Beep! Beep! We still had control of the Mac, and could open files, pull down menus, etc. But the incessant beeping was maddening. We checked every control panel for settings. All seemed ok. We changed the error beep in the "Sounds" control panel, and lo and behold, the incessant beeping became incessant quacking. Quack! Quack! Quack! Annoying, so we changed it back. We lowered the volume in the control panel, and now instead of beeping, the menu bar began blinking (which is what normally happens when you mute the beep sound). Blink! Blink! Blink! Obviously, first thing I tried was restarting with all extensions off. Beep! Beep! Beep! So, what was going wrong with his Mac? To what error was the Mac trying to alert us? And more importantly, was this a software or a hardware problem? Mike's first guess was to replace the system software (perhaps it got corrupted?). As he pulled out the old floppies, I figured I'd test if this would solve the problem. I started up from the System Software CD-ROM that came with the computer. Guess what? Beep! Beep! Beep! Just to be safe, I then started up from the Disk Tools. Even though it was a minimal system, with no control panels, we STILL heard: Beep! Beep! Beep! No matter how we'd alter or re-install the software, this beeping would not go away. Perhaps a loose speaker connection? Mike finally admitted that he'd been pulling his hair for hours on this one, and I was his last hope. Apparently this incessant beeping was plaguing him for three days now, and he could no longer concentrate on getting his law studies done. I could see the psychosis building in his eyes. This was a desperate man. Beep! Beep! Beep! I'd ascertained it was a hardware problem, which meant it was out of my hands. Before giving in completely, Mike seemed let down that he'd actually have to bring his trusty, die-hard Mac in for service. Blasted Performas, I thought. Apple probably cut some corners to make the models less expensive. Weird new features, bundled software, ease-of-installation...I mean, how difficult is it to install and configure a real Mac? I began to exit the room. Mike got on the phone. Defeat. Beep! Beep! Beep! Then it hit me. I turned around, headed back for the Performa. At the base of the CPU were two volume buttons to "ease" adjustment...and the "up" button was jammed in. With a quick jiggle, it was released, and... Silence. Beautiful silence. Mike asks me for Mac help all the time now. ======= I was the lead programmer for a company. One day I was walking past the cubicle of another programmer, and there were three other programmers in there, all looking around at his computer case. It was beeping constantly, and they had all tried various things to stop it: disconnecting the keyboard and reconnecting it, hitting escape and ctrl-alt-delete, etc. I walked in and slid the edge of an open notebook off the number pad's enter key. The beeping stopped. As I walked out, I swear I heard all four of them smack their foreheads and sigh. ======= Once I received the following email from a family member: Every now an again when online my computer will make a sound that it does not have a file to make. I am not in a chatroom when this happens nor is it from any game I may be playing. When it happens I freak out a bit & have norton scan things and whatever else I can think of. Any idea what this is? ======= I met with some friends one day, we wanted to play some games in a LAN. Three computers were set up in three different rooms. We had to do some configuration (IP addresses and so on), and we sat in front of one computer, trying to click through the setup windows with the mouse. On any click, we heard an error beep, the kind you get when you're clicking outside a modal window (a dialog box that doesn't let you play with other windows until you've dismissed it). On any click. It was really annoying, because we saw no error, and we were able to navigate through the setup windows and get the PC configured. So we went on to the second computer. There was a modal window open and some kind of error message. That computer had the same type of cordless mouse as first. We had been moving the mouse pointer and clicking on both PCs simultaneously, and the beeping we heard came from the (really loud) speakers of the second computer. A friend and I were looking for a C compiler in a software store. We went in and searched the shelves but found nothing. We asked the salesperson. He went looking through the games section. I told him it was a programming language. So he took us to the foreign language software. ======= * Customer: "Excuse me what is the difference in quality between my current digital camera [model number] and this one [priced $600 higher] here?" * Sales Clerk: "Well, they're exactly the same, basically." * Customer: "Well, when I watch these video files on my computer, it just doesn't look as clear as I want it to be." * Sales Clerk: "Oh wait, are you using USB to transfer the files?" * Customer: "Yes, I am." * Sales Clerk: "Oh, that's probably why! Using USB to transfer is slow. You should use firewire." * Customer: "Oh, I thought that that just affects the speed." * Sales Clerk: "No, it's the quality. Because you can't transfer as much, so it loses quality." The clerk spends a whole minute explaining how USB transferring is some sort of bottleneck affect and even use his hands to show the bottleneck effect. * Customer: "So are you saying that when my camera records data on to its hard drive, and then that data is transferred to my computer, the data is re-encoded and loses size?" * Sales Clerk: "Yes, it does. It's to do with the speed of the cable. You can ask one of the computer guys in the computer section. They'll say the same thing." ======= * Customer: "What does 'dual-core' mean?" * Salesman: "It basically means you have two computers in one. It also means you can plug your laptop into it." ======= * Salesman: "This is a very good computer. It has PCI-Express." * Customer: "What does that mean?" * Salesman: "Well, it means you can plug your laptop into it and play games on your Xbox." ======= This happened in finland in the early nineties. I was eleven years old. I overheard the computer "expert" of a local office supply store extolling the virtues of extra memory to some customer. My interest was piqued when I heard the salesman name a price for two megabytes and the customer asking how to install it on his Amiga. I knew that no local store carried anything but the standard 512kB expansion. When I rounded the shelf I saw the salesman holding two SIMM combs. I butted in and commented on them being for PCs, not Amigas. At first the salesman tried to belittle me and asked what I could possibly know about it. But when couple of my friends came over, said the same thing, and pointed out the Amiga expansion on the next shelf, he started getting angry. (Which we thought was very funny. In retrospect, the sniggering probably didn't help.) He would not relent. Finally, one of my friends went over to the display Amiga and started to pop open the lid on the memory module to show it to the customer. The salesman completely lost his top and manhandled us out of there. We all ended up being barred for couple of months. The funny thing? The customer walked out of there the proud owner of two megabytes of PC memory. ======= The other day I walked into this little place that sells old software, old computers, and some new software. I walked up to a sales clerk and said, "Do you guys carry Linux?" He took one look at me (I am 15 years old) and, not knowing what Linux was, he checked the rack with games. I said, "No, Linux is not a game -- it's an operating system." He looked confused, then stuttered, "Uhhh...yeah...well check that rack, we've got stuff like Quicken there." ======= One day I received a catalogue from a mail order company. I tried to find Linux. It took me a while. It was in the games section. ======= I collect old computers as a hobby, mostly 20 year old microcomputers -- Apple II, Commodore, etc. Once, in an attempt to find one, I called a computer surplus store. * Me: "Hi. Do you have any old computers, maybe 10-20 years old?" * Salesperson: "Sir, there were no computers 20 years ago." * Me: "Umm, ok. Bye." Then I cracked up. ======= Once I was told by a salesman that an Athlon 64 is so called because it is 64 times more powerful than a normal one. ======= Here's a story where some degree of fault lies on both sides. I was at my local Walmart, walking through the electronics section like I often do. A young couple was looking at a computer, assisted by a salesperson. I overheard the following conversation: * Salesman: "You should really get the full package, with the new monitor and the other accessories." * Husband: "But we already have a monitor and keyboard from our old computer." * Salesman: "You should still get the package, because it comes with a faster keyboard." The couple conversed for a moment. * Husband: "Can we put it on layaway and make payments on it?" ======= A few years ago I visited a computer store and saw a computer equipped with this new Microid Research BIOS which was unfamiliar to me. I would like to know something about the performance of this BIOS, so I asked if it was a fast BIOS. "Well yes!" he answered, "Take a look at this!" He rebooted the computer and pointed at the "Press DEL to enter SETUP" message, which was on the screen for five seconds. Then he rebooted the system again, entered the BIOS, and decreased the "Display enter setup message time" from five seconds to one second, left the BIOS, and rebooted the system once more. While it was booting, he pointed again at the "Press DEL to enter SETUP" message which was now on the screen for just one second. "See how fast it is?" he said proudly. "I increased its speed by a factor of five! Is this a fast BIOS or what?" ======= Back in the early days of personal computers, I remember once a salesman at Radio Shack was telling me some system could even read ASC 2 files. ======= * New Sales Guy: "So, what's the difference between JPEG and PHP?" * Me: "Are you serious?" * New Sales Guy: "Yeah! I mean, if I'm going to sell this stuff I need to understand it, right?" * Me: "Ok. Could you make some time for me to give you some basic lessons?" * New Sales Guy: "No. I'm pretty busy. Could you just email it to me?" I sent him a link to Google and wished him luck. He quit a week later. ======= In a small computer store... * Me: "Hi. I need a 25 pin RS-232 cable." * Sales Clerk 1: "What do you need it for?" * Me: "I need to plug a VT100 into a modem. I have both the VT100 and the modem, I just need at 25 pin male/female cable with RS-232 connectors." * Sales Clerk 1: "Let me get my manager." Huh? * Sales Clerk 1: in background: "I have a guy here who wants to plug his VCR into a modem." The sales clerk returned with another. * Sales Clerk 2: "Hello, sir. You can't attach a VCR to a modem." * Me: "That is not what I am trying to do. I need a 25-pin RS-232 cable -- that's all. Do you have cables for plugging into modems?" * Sales Clerk 2: "What do you want to plug into the modem?" * Me: "A VT100. It is a terminal. You plug it into a computer over a serial line, frequently a modem. I just need a 25-pin cable to go from the unit to the modem." * Sales Clerk 2: (to Sales Clerk 1) "He doesn't have a VCR. He wants to plug a VTR into his modem, so it is all right." Sales Clerk 1 handed me a cable. * Me: "This is a 9-pin cable. I need a 25 pin cable." * Sales Clerk 2: "Most PC's have 9 pins on their serial cards." * Me: "I am not attaching a PC. I am attaching a VT100. There are 25 pins on it -- it needs to plug into a 25 pin connector." * Sales Clerk 2: "Then use the small end to plug into your modem." * Me: "There are 25 pins on the modem as well. Do you have any 25 pin cables? All I need is a cable with 25 pins at each end." * Sales Clerk 2: "This is a 25 pin cable." ======= I was repairing a broken PC and had finally narrowed the failure down to a dead COM port. I didn't have a spare I/O board in stock, so I headed down to the local PC shop, which I had avoided as much as possible up until now -- too many horror stories about them were making the rounds. At the counter of the shop (which, by the way, "specialized" in PC repairs and upgrades) I asked for an I/O card. The person behind the counter just stared at me blankly. I rephrased my request and asked for a serial card. Still the blank look. Just then, someone walked up from the back room, where he had been jabbing at the interior of an open PC with a screwdriver. "This guy wants a serial card," said the first one to the second. "Oh, no problem. We've got plenty of those around here somewhere," the second person said. I was relieved that I would be able to get the system online that day instead of having to wait over the weekend for a replacement part in the mail. After ten minutes of searching high and low, he brought me the "serial cards" he was proud to have found. It was a 10-pack of the aluminized serial number identification tags that you can stick to your system for inventory control. I looked at it, turned, and walked away without a word. ======= * Customer: "I'd like to sign up for your Internet service." * Sales: "Do you have Internet access?" * Customer: "Yes." * Sales: "Then you can use our signup form at [address]." * Customer: "I'm there right now, and it doesn't look like it's a secure form." * Sales: "Oh, it's secure. I can almost guarantee you that it's secure." * Customer: "But I'm there right now, and it's not." * Sales: "It's secure. Only one lady looks at it." ======= I once went to our local computer store, known for the stupidity of its employees. I decided to test the rumors, so I asked which joystick was better, the normal Microsoft Sidewinder, or the Force Feedback Sidewinder. * Salesman: "The normal one. The other one feels rather shaky." ======= * Customer: "I am looking for a good Analog joystick for my PC." * Salesman: "Sorry, sir, but all PC joysticks and gamepads are digital, not analog." * Customer: "What? Excuse me, but all joysticks are not digital." * Salesman: "No, all PC joysticks are digital." * Customer: "Forget it. Can you just show me which ones you carry?" After looking through what they had, I spied a Gravis multi-button gamepad that clearly stated on the box "includes both a digital pad and an analog joystick." * Customer: "See, it says right here 'Analog Joystick'." * Salesman: "Yes sir, but PCs can only use digital. So that means this one is Macintosh compatible." ======= I was in the Mac section of a huge chain computer store when a salesperson mosied over from the PC section to help an older couple. I suppose the Apple salesperson was at lunch or something. * Salesman: "Can I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, we were looking at buying a new computer." * Salesman: "Well, we have plenty to choose from." * Customer: "We were looking at these." * Salesman: "Oh oh, well, these aren't computers. These are Macintoshes." * Customer: "They act like computers." * Salesman: "You can't do anything on a Mac. No Internet email, and it doesn't even have a Pentium in it." * Customer: "These get Internet." * Salesman: "That is not real Internet. That's mac.com." * Customer: "Oh I see, but isn't this Yahoo?" * Salesman: "No no, these are not computers. Now, if you'll follow me, I'll show you some nice Sony laptops that have Bluetooth. That means you can have wireless Internet anywhere in the world. It works on satellite technology." Later, when the salesperson went to look something up, I approached them, took them back over to the Mac section, and sold them an iMac and an iPod mini. Two days later, I got a call from the store and was offered a job. The couple had called in for their customer service survey, and apparently the store was impressed with the nice things they had to say. As for that sales rep -- well, I have his job now. ======= I am constantly frustrated with the level of inexperience at major computer stores, yet they constantly boast an expertise unrivaled by their competition. One day, when I was feeling mischievous, I required a certain piece of software and decided to visit the local national chain store. I picked up a copy of the software and walked to the till to pay for it and asked a leading question. * Me: "Do I need a computer to run this?" The lady paused for a few moments and then answered matter-of-factly: * Her: "No, it should run by itself without any problems." I was barely able to contain my laughter yet at the same time felt just a little sad. ======= I was in Circuit City one day, idly playing Descent on one of their low end package computers. A salesperson was showing many computers to a naive customer, and when he came by the computer I was playing Descent on, he said, and I quote, "See how blocky those graphics are? That's because of the MPEG compression I was telling you about." ======= * Salesman: "Yes, you can record DVD movies on this 32X cdrom drive, as long as you use DIVX disks." ======= * Customer: "What does the 48x mean on this cdrom drive?" * Salesman: "Well, ma'am, you know how you read the page of a book one time, and if you really want to understand it deeply, you may read it twice? Well, the cdrom drive reads the CD over and over however many times the the number is before the X. In this case it's 48." * Customer: "Sir? Why would a computer have to read something 48 times to understand it? I certainly don't think I'd want a PC that dumb." ======= Once I bought a computer from a store with less than perfect customer service. Some of the problems it had: the speakers broke, the screen started showing everything in blue, the CPU ventilator shorted out the computer, and the graphics card refused to work with its own drivers. But the worst was when the DVD drive "changed" its region setting. See, I put in a DVD, and I got the wrong region code error. So I checked the settings and noticed the DVD drive was set to the wrong region. I checked all my other DVDs, and they were all region 0, which explains why I hadn't discovered the problem before. So I brought the computer in and told them they set it up wrong. The tech guy got all offended, and when I returned later, he said: * Technician: "I checked on the Internet and found out that when you put a CD with a different region into the drive, it automatically changes its region to accommodate the media. You can only change the regions a limited amount of times, so yours got stuck on a different one. Therefore, you broke it, probably because you don't know anything about region codes, and so you mishandled the hardware. Now, let me teach you about region codes...." ======= * Salesman: "OS/2 Warp...that's a game, isn't it?" ======= A friend and I visited a computer store in a mall. They had aisles of software and cabinets of hardware in the back. I was curious to know how much they charged for RAM, so we headed for the rear of the store. * Salesman: "May I help you, ladies?" * Me: "Sure. We'd like to see how much your RAM is." * Salesman: (looking around uncertainly) "Let's look over here. Is this for a Mac or PC?" * Me: "PC. I have an HP." Suddenly the salesman turns down a software aisle. * Salesman: "That sounds like a war game. It should be along in here if we have it." * Me: "Uhhhhhhhh...we're looking for RAM. You know, computer memory. Not software." * Salesman: "Oh! Memory! That would be over in the children's section." ======= Overheard in a nationwide computer retail store: * Customer: "Now what does this 512MB of RAM mean on this PC?" * Salesman: "Umm...RAM is what slows down your PC, see it rams into your processing power, causing slowdowns, thus why it's called RAM." * Customer: "Are you sure?" * Salesman: "Who's the expert here?" I couldn't stop laughing. ======= I once asked a salesman in a computer store about a monitor I was interested in buying. * Me: "Is it interlaced?" * Salesman: "Oh, it's fully interlaced." ======= I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way. Almost. * Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?" * Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?" * Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it." * Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?" * Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet." * Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?" * Saleswoman: "Yes." * Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?" * Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold." I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up. ======= I went into a "Software Etc." store at the mall just after Quake came out to look for a demo CD. When I got it, the salesman was telling me about one of those CDs with Quake levels. Since the game had just come out, it was obviously one of those cheap CDs where they just download all the levels off ftp.cdrom.com and burned them to a CD. But the sales guy told me that it was the only one that is approved by Id Software. However, no Id Software logo, seal, or note of approval was found on the box. * Me: "Are you sure this isn't one of those things where they just download levels off the net and throw them onto a CD?" * Salesman: "Uh...no. In fact, the guys at Id Software hacked into those FTP sites and put VIRUSES in the levels!!!" ======= It was 1995. I was a freshman in college. I'd just gone to the computer labs for the first time to get signed up for an account on the campus network. The tech support guy I talked to wanted the specs on my machine, so I told him. At the time, I had a 28.8 modem. He told me I must be mistaken. * Me: "Why?" * Tech Support: "They don't make 28.8 modems. The phone lines can't support them." * Me: "Uhhh. I ran a BBS for four years back home and helped over 200 people get their modems set up. I know what I'm doing with modems, and I promise you I have a 28.8." * Tech Support: "Nope. You must be mistaken. 2400 is the fastest modem available today." * Me: "No, that was six years ago. The modems are faster now." * Tech Support: "Why would they make modems faster? It's not like the phone lines can support anything faster than 2400 in the first place." At this point, I just gave up and walked out. I went back to my dorm, grabbed the modem's box, which I had used to transport some electronic gadgets, and brought it back to the tech guy. I brought my friend along because I figured he'd be entertained by all this. * Me: "Hi, it's me again. I just thought I'd show you this box, which clearly states that it's a 28.8 modem." * Tech Support: "Oh, that's a ZOOM modem. Well, ZOOM is widely known in the industry for lying about the capabilities of their modems. It's a 2400, but they say it's a 28.8 so people will buy it instead of a Hayes, which is the only good modem out there." At this point, several people, including my friend, were laughing at this moron. * Me: (to others in the room) "Say, what's the fastest speed of modem out there?" * Everyone: "28.8!" The tech support guy got mad and suggested that we all enroll in the "Introduction to Computers" seminar they were offering. ======= In our office we had an older DOS application that was still being used daily. We had just upgraded all of our computers, so I thought I would check to see if the company offered a Windows version. When I called the salesman and asked about Windows software, he proudly stated, "We're a Windows 95 beta tester!" Great. This was in late 1996. I asked again about a Windows version. * Him: "Our DOS version works fine under Windows." * Me: "Yes, we've been running it under Windows for months, but we're looking for an updated version written specifically for Windows." * Him: "Oh, well Windows is really just for games. Our application is meant for business. We're a Windows 95 beta tester." * Me: "So you don't have a version written for Windows?" * Him: "Well, we are working on a Windows version. It will be very advanced, since we're a Windows 95 beta tester." ======= Back in my "less mature" days, I loved nothing better than going to electrical shops (not specialist PC dealers, but the type of place where you can by toasters, washing machines, vacuum cleaners, etc) and winding up the less experienced salesmen. So I hung out in the shop one Saturday and poked around the PCs until a salesman approached me. * Salesman: "Can I help you, sir?" * Me: "Could you tell me about this PC?" * Salesman: "Well sir, this PC comes with..." (reads the specs off the display card) * Me: "Ok, but what is the clock speed of the CPU?" * Salesman: "Oh, you'll have no worries there. It's 24 hour." * Me: (trying to keep a straight face) "But that's no good to me. I'm really bad with 24 hour times." * Salesman: "That's not a problem. This PC comes pre-loaded with Windows 97, which can convert the PC back to a 12 hour clock if you prefer that." * Me: "Ok, I'll think about it." I had to leave the shop and sit on a bench until my sides stopped hurting. ======= I was channel surfing the other night when I came across this guy on QVC giving a demo of Windows on a ThinkPad 500. After a few choice comments from the slick salesman, I started taking notes. He started out by explaining that icons were like glimpses of what was behind them and proceeded to show the Accessories "menu." He talked about how wonderful this deal was since the machine came with so much preloaded software, and then gave a brief description of each icon in Accessories. First there was "A-Write" the "word processing package" (I think he called it "A-Write" because the icon for Write has a fountain pen drawing an 'A'.) Then there was Paintbrush, which allows you to "do your 3D work," he said. "For example, if you were designing a house, you could keep all the floor plans and layouts in here." Next was Terminal, "which lets you uhhh, uhhhh, add another uhh, terminal to your computer." He fumbled a little more and skipped Notepad, presumably because he couldn't make up anything good to say just after describing "A-Write." Next: "It has this Recorder, which helps you be a little like Steven Spielberg...it interfaces directly with your VHS cassettes." While pointing at the next icon he proudly announced that the machine even came with a built-in Clock. There was Calculator, which of course "manages your finances." He mentioned some of the "executive" features, like Calendar and Cardfile. He pretty much gave up at Object Packager, but saved the moment by kicking into a demo of the "word processing package" because, "If you're like me, that's where your family will spend most of its time." In his "A-Write" demo, he drooled about how versatile the software was. (Somehow the common font picker dialog just didn't convince me to pick up the phone and order a ThinkPad.) As proof of how useful the "word processing package" was, he "printed in" a sentence: "Dean shows hot computers on QVC." Then "Oh jeez!" he exclaimed, "It's been a long day folks, I misspelled my own first name!" (Dan) He proceeded to hit the backspace key 31 TIMES, leaving only the 'D'. He started retyping the rest of the sentence but gave up midway and moved on. "Let me tell you something: This thing will really change your life!" He started babbling about "executive" features again and fired up the Cardfile "database system." It kind of took the punch out when the camera zoomed back in, and you saw that there were three dessert recipes on the screen. The stupidity went on, but mostly on other bundled things like "C-Mail" (I think he meant 'Lotus Cc:Mail') and some IBM antivirus utilities. An interesting note: In one screen shot it was evident that IBM had replaced the MS-DOS icon with a PC-DOS icon that looks almost identical to the OS/2 logo. Later on, while showing off the manuals, he held up the clearly labelled "IBM PC-DOS" book and said, "You get an MS-DOS manual...." ======= * Customer: "Is this modem V.90 standard?" * Salesman: "V.90 standard? You don't need it. There's no ISP which has that." * Customer: (frowning) "Does the motherboard have a BX chipset?" * Salesman: "BX chipset? Not important. It's much more important that is has a Pentium II." ======= * Customer: "Does it have a 2D or a 3D graphics card?" * Salesman: "I don't know. I'll go check." After a while... * Salesman: "No, it can't run on a TV." ======= Overheard at a computer store: * Salesman: "This computer has a 633 MHz processor in it. That means it spins at 633 million cycles per second. This is a fast computer." ======= * Salesman: "Can I help you?" * Me: "Yes...I'm looking at this Compaq here. Do you have any of these in stock?" He leads me to his terminal. There is much typing. * Salesman: "No, but we do have this other model. It's got a Pentium, so it's better." * Me: "Um...I was looking at a 400 MHz. This one is a 300. And it only has half the RAM." * Salesman: "Yes, but it's a Pentium, so it's better. Look, it has a DVD drive, too." He puts in Armageddon and turns up the volume to a ludicrous level. * Me: "The one I wanted had a third generation DVD drive. This is a first generation one." * Salesman: "Yes, but it's a Pentium, so it's better." He turns up the volume the rest of the way. People nearby start giving us dirty looks. * Me: "I'd like some more time to think about this." * Salesman: "Ok." ======= At a rather large electronics chain I was looking at the new 3D accelerators with a friend of mine. A salesman overheard me and piped up. * Salesman: "The newest are the OpenGL cards. They make 3D accelerators obsolete!" ======= Overheard in a computer store: * Customer: "What does MMX mean?" * Salesman: "It means you don't need a sound card anymore." ======= I was in a computer store, waiting in line at customer service. I overheard this, between a customer and the sales clerk: * Customer: "What's the difference between a SCSI scanner and a parallel port scanner?" * Sales Clerk: "Well, SCSI has 50 pins, and parallel only has 25, so it's twice as fast." ======= Once a salesperson told me that Windows 95 was only for desktop computers and that I'd need to buy Windows CE for my laptop. ======= * Salesman: "As you can see, this printer cable is much higher quality. It has gold-plated connectors, which essentially means you will be able to print everything twice as fast." ======= After comparing feature lists and sample print-outs from several printers, I finally decided to buy a certain model. I flagged down a salesman and as we went to one of the "sales" desks, he continued to tell me about additional wonderful features of this printer and how top-of-the-line and reliable it was. Finally, before completing the sale, he asked me if I wanted to purchase a service agreement, saying that I really ought to buy one, since printers are prone to all sorts of problems and breakdowns and may have a 50 percent out-of-the-box failure rate. "Wait," I asked him, "you just told me how high-quality and reliable this printer is. Are you saying it really isn't that good after all?" He didn't really have an answer for that and didn't mention the service agreement again. ======= Once my father asked a computer salesman about the interior of a hard disk. The salesman replied, "It's not really a disk -- it's just a piece of electronics that's called a disk because you save things on it." ======= Overheard in a computer store: * Salesman: "Well, this one's got a bigger disk, so it's got more memory, and you can store the Internet on it." ======= My boyfriend and I were shopping for computers and mistakenly wandered into a chain store. While we were looking at a system, a salesman raced over. * Salesman: "So, you're looking for a computer, eh? Well, this is your CPU, which is to say, your hard disk...." ======= A friend of mine needed to upgrade his 386 with some new memory (this was a while ago). At that time, there were two basic types of memory -- 30 pin and 72 pin. He went into a computer store and asked about the memory they had on display. He picked up a box containing a 72 pin SIMM, but the salesman stopped him. * Salesman: "That's a 30 pin SIMM. You said you needed a 72 pin, right?" * My Friend: "Um, this has 72 pins." * Salesman: "No, that's a 30 pin." * My Friend: (quietly amused, looking at the connectors on the board) "Well, it certainly looks like there's 72 connectors there." * Salesman: "Oh that has nothing to do with it." ======= My dad -- a man of admirable common sense for a computer newbie -- leaped from editing to managing desktop publishing to selling computers. Once he had to train a new salesperson who claimed a degree in computer science. According to her, there wasn't anything she didn't know. At the start of teaching her about some software their (very big) company was selling, he told her to use the mouse to click on something on the screen. In all seriousness, she picked up the mouse and physically pressed the end of it to the screen. Urban legends abound about stupid computer users, but this woman embodied them. She once attempted scanning once by placing a document against the computer screen. Ultimately, she was fired for incompetence (imagine!) but as expected, she blamed everyone else. ======= I'm a technician in a small computer store in New York. One day, a particularly distraught man brought his computer in and complained that it kept freezing. I did the usual checks but couldn't find anything. Since he had just bought it the day before, I authorized a replacement but told him he'd have to wait an hour for us to configure the machine properly. He was very upset at having to wait, so he complained to his salesperson, who has no control or responsibility over the tech department. He came storming in, all upset and fearing the loss of his commission. He laid into me, asking why I couldn't just fix the problem (it would have taken longer), and I just kept pointing out how his silly arguing was cutting into the time I could have spent setting up the new computer. At any rate, the customer eventually walked over and asked the salesperson what was wrong with the machine -- he was quite upset that his brand new computer didn't work and that he didn't know why. The salesperson cracked a wide smile. * Salesman: "Relax. The BIOS on the sound card was conflicting with the AOL drivers. This caused a problem with your memory, making the machine reboot." * Customer: "But it wasn't rebooting -- it was freezing." * Salesman: "Yeah, well, that too." ======= I went into a store to purchase an external modem for one of my customers. He had an older system and the fastest modem that he could use was a 33.6. The salesman insisted that the slowest external modem ever manufactured was 56K. There was not and had never been a 33.6 modem. I pointed out a label on the shelf that said, "33.6 External Modem," and he insisted that it was a misprint. There were boxes on the back shelf that were clearly what I wanted. He refused to sell me one. Losing a sale was apparently preferable to admitting an error. ======= In late 1995, I called a large computer software/hardware chain notorious for their lack of service and asked them if they had any copies of Windows 95 in stock. * Salesman: "No, that hasn't been invented yet." * Me: "What? I have a copy of Windows 95 in my hand." * Salesman: "No, that hasn't been invented yet." * Me: (very slowly) "I H-A-V-E A C-O-P-Y I-N M-Y H-A-N-D R-I-G-H-T N-O-W." * Salesman: "That can't be. It hasn't been invented yet." I hung up and called a smaller dealer. They were more than happy to put a copy aside for me. ======= I recently purchased a game for my son and was having some difficulty getting it to run on my system. After making double sure I had all the most up-to-date drivers, DirectX, and following all the recommended troubleshooting steps, I finally decided to contact the tech support people. After two weeks of not getting any response via email, I broke down and called their phone number, which, by the way, was NOT a toll-free number. I explained the problem I was having along with the steps I had taken in order to ensure that I would not be wasting his time. Yet even though I specifically explained that I had all the correct drivers, he insisted on checking out every last version number. I conceded to this, figuring that he had some sort of checklist to follow, and after all the versions checked out I thought we would finally move on to something more productive. Nope. He then began asking me how I went about installing the drivers for my video card. I explained that I had downloaded the drivers from the company's website and ran the program. He laughed and said that my drivers were not installed properly, as the manufacturer of my video card did not provide self-installing drivers. Having had three different cards from this manufacturer over the last several years, I knew that they had always provided self-installing drivers. I explained this to the tech, who stated quite plainly that I was wrong and he knew for a fact that this manufacturer did not now, nor have they ever provided self-installing drivers. To prove his point, he logged on to the company's website and downloaded the drivers in question. Lo and behold -- a self-installing execute file! Rather than admit he was wrong, however, the guy said, "They must have just started doing that in the last couple of days because it wasn't like that last week." Then he dropped the subject completely and told me that I don't have the most up-to-date sound card drivers. I laughed and asked him if he wanted to go through all of the embarrassment of checking that website as well, and he got a little ambivalent about that. Eventually I did hang up on him. As it turns out, the reason that the game would not run is that the system requirements on the box (and in the documentation) were misprinted. My video card chipset was incorrectly listed as being supported by the game. This tidbit of information came via a reponse to my original email inquiry five weeks after I sent it and two weeks after I had returned the game anyway. ======= Sometime between 1996 and 1997 the first large "American-style" computer chain opened in Sweden. They had managed to become the first home cable ISP in Sweden. They sold a bundled package which included a cable modem, network adapter, and cables. My father and I went down to purchase one. At the service desk, the salesman slid a box over to me and started ringing me up. * Salesman: "Do you need an explanation of how to set this up?" * Me: "No thank you, that won't be necessary." * Salesman: "Great. Do you have PCI?" * Me: "Um, yes?" * Salesman: "Great. Bye. Next!" As I was about to leave I made a quick check on the contents of the box. * Me: "There doesn't appear to be a network adapter in here." * Salesman: "But you said that you already had PCI." * Me: "PCI stands for Peripheral Component Interconnection..." I gave him a brief description of what PCI means. * Salesman: "Yeah, but why did you say that you had it if you didn't?" He handed me a network card and gave me a patronizing stare. * Me: "Ah, sorry, um, thank you." Halfway through the door, I was stopped by a yelling voice. * Salesman: (angrily) "Stop!" He pressed a floppy disk in my hand. On it, he had scratched, "PCI." He found some courage in my puzzled look and boomed: * Salesman: "Don't say that you know when you don't!" (to my father) "A lack of knowledge is nothing to be ashamed of. I am here to help!" When I got home, I found that the disk was blank. * Customer: "Hi, I can't seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?" * Tech Support: "Well sir, what dialup software are you using?" * Customer: "The one you provided." * Tech Support: "And what version is it?" * Customer: (says the version number) * Tech Support: "Oh, that's the problem you need the latest version." * Customer: "Ok, how do I get it?" * Tech Support: "Well, just transfer the file via FTP." * Customer: "Well that would be nice, but I can't connect to the Internet." * Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) "I told you just to FTP the file sir." I hung up. ======= I recently had a problem setting the video resolution on a new laptop. * Me: "It seems that the resolution is supposed to be 1900x1200. It's set to that, but it's not displaying right." * Tech Support: "Yes, that is 1900x1200." * Me: "No, I have my old computer up here, and it's also set to that resolution, and the icons are much smaller." * Tech Support: "Well, so what? Don't you want a bigger resolution?" * Me: "Um, no, a bigger resolution means that the icons get smaller. I think I should reinstall the drivers." * Tech Support: "No. How long have you been experiencing this problem?" * Me: "Since the computer started, remember?" * Tech Support: "Just on this startup?" * Me: "Yes, this is the only startup." * Tech Support: "OK, what did you change on the computer since the last startup?" * Me: "What? Nothing. Listen, this is a new comp--" * Tech Support: "No, I mean, what have you done with your computer recently?" * Me: "I took it out of the box." * Tech Support: "Why was your computer in a box?" ======= I had just gotten myself cable modem internet connection, and I was having weird problems with it. It kept disconnecting every few minutes. I called the ISP's tech support. * Tech Support: "Well the problem is that you are downloading files that are too big. You only have a 1 megabit connection, so you can't download files over 10 megabytes." * Me: "What?! I am sure you are just making this up." * Tech Support: "No sir. Please upgrade your speed if you want to download bigger files." ======= I had trouble downloading an operating system upgrade for a PDA, so I called tech support. * Me: "I can't seem to get this download to complete. What might be causing it?" * Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?" * Me: "Windows NT." * Tech Support: "Well, you have to be running Windows 98 or better in order to download it." * Me: "Ummm, I am. I'm running Windows NT4, SP5." * Tech Support: "Are you on a PC or a MAC?" ======= A friend of mine told me that when he was in junior high school (mid-to-late nineties), they got a computer in the classroom free for the students to use during breaks. The first thing many of them would do to was to change the dull Windows 95 desktop. The school's IT Manager for some reason thought of this as vandalism, so he frequently fixed it in the only way he knew how -- by reinstalling Windows. I was almost on the floor laughing when my friend told me about how the IT Manager had come into their classroom one day and told the students, "Will you STOP changing the desktop background? I've had to reinstall Windows every day for the last two weeks now!" ======= Our local cable company is Comcast. I was having high-speed Internet installed at my apartment, and a Comcast guy showed up. He started spouting off technical jargon about "bouncing signals" and stuff that I knew was complete nonsense, all so he could buy time to have a smoke and talk on his phone. I was starting to get very frustrated that he'd been at my house for a couple of hours and wasn't finished with the install. I'd specifically requested that he not install any software on my computer, because I knew it was not necessary for using the Internet. My roommate, however, had not made the same request. After some time, my roommate had to leave, and I was left to supervise the Comcast guy. I went into my roommate's bedroom to find him scratching his head as he fiddled with her Mac. He was kinda sweaty and really mad and looked up at me and asked, "What kind of computer is this??" "It's a Mac," I said. "What kind of Windows are you runnin' on this thing??" I tried telling him that it did not run Windows, and he refused to believe me. He got so frustrated that he actually ended up cussing at me and comparing me to his ex wife. He got fired. ======= Back when high-speed internet was first getting started, my parents wanted to hop on the bandwagon right away and called a technician to come set them up. At the time I was in junior high school and couldn't be there when the tech showed up. It is important to note that although we were quick in getting high-speed Internet, we didn't have a particularly state-of-the-art machine. It didn't have a cdrom drive, for example, but I assumed the tech would be installing the software from a floppy. Imagine my horror when I came home and found my mother trying to dig the CD out of our ancient 5 1/4" drive with a key, while the "tech" stood behind her, scratching his head and saying, "I've seriously never seen one of those before. Are you SURE it's not a cdrom drive?" ======= I overheard a tech support representative on the phone with someone: * Tech Support: "Press your backslash key. Oh, you don't know the backslash? Do the normal backslash...but the one that goes the other way." Isn't the "backslash that goes the other way" called a "forward slash"? Even after telling her it was called a forward slash, I still hear her telling people to "press teh backslash that goes the other way." ======= In 2004, I bought a new, high-end, name-brand desktop computer from the manufacturer. Within six months, I started hearing noises from the exhaust fan for the case. It sounded like a bearing broke and was grinding around as the fan spun. I called the manufacturer's tech support line, explained the problem in detail, and asked them to ship out a new fan, since the machine was still under warranty. The tech to whom I had been connected informed me that the fan was probably fine, and that some software program was at fault, so I'd better completely wipe my main hard drive. I think my jaw actually hit the floor. No amount of reasoning would sway her; she insisted I wipe my drive and refused to discuss the issue any further. It got worse. Her supervisor said the same thing, and her supervisor did too. Over the next two and a half years, I called a total of 38 times trying to get the fan replaced. (In the meantime, I ran the machine with the case open to let the heat out, which worked okay.) Every tech I got told me the same thing as the first: gotta wipe the hard drive! But I had the last laugh. On the 39th call, three days before my warranty ran out, somehow I reached someone who actually knew something. After hearing my story, he not only sent me a new exhaust fan but also a new motherboard, processor, heat sink fan, sound card, and a RAM upgrade. In addition, he had a local tech install everything for me. For future reference, he gave me his personal phone number and email address for me to use instead of the company's number. ======= I was cleaning up my wife's little bit of webspace and found I couldn't delete the files in one folder. Since I could upload/rename/delete other files with any FTP client I chose, it was clearly a server problem. Inexplicably, ownership of the files had been changed by the ISP. It took a transfer to the second tier support to fix the problem, but even at that level, I got asked this question: * Tech Support: "Do you have a firewall?" * Me: "!!! What's that have to do with the problem?" * Tech Support: "Um, I dunno." ======= This is straight from a call log of a major computer company that happens to have technical support technicians in India and other points outside of the United States. Problem Description: Client wants to know the MAC address for the computer. Advise client that I have no way of knowing or obtaining that information. Advise client that she would more than likely need to call Apple to see if they could point her in the direction of obtaining that. Client says that the MAC address is not a macintosh address. Client says that the MAC address can be obtained by doing an ipconfig /all. Client ended up disconnecting the call. During the call I believe I could hear someone else listening. Just before the call was ended by the client there was a something faintly said but I could not make it out. Resolution: Advise client to contact Apple. ======= I'm not the most technical of people, but a few years ago, I got the infamous "blue screen of death." I called in the IT department, and the new guy told me that my monitor just had to be "de-gassed" (degaussed). Needless to say, I rolled around the floor laughing, and someone else was called in to replace my hard drive. ======= * Customer: "My laptop won't boot." * Tech Support: "Have you tried rebooting?" * Customer: "I can't reboot, because it doesn't boot in the first place." * Tech Support: "Sir, we have to do things my way, okay?" ======= My boyfriend and I were sitting in my dorm room, when there was a power surge, causing my computer to reboot. Unfortunately, it never got very far and popped up an error message about a missing file. Panicking, I reboot again, and the same thing happened. Foolishly, I decided to call my computer's tech support line, and after struggling with their automated system, I finally got through to someone. * Tech Support: "Thank you for calling tech support. How may I help you?" * Me: "Yeah, um, I just had a power surge in my dorm room, and my computer won't reboot. It's giving me the error message: [error message]" * Tech Support: "Have you tried rebooting?" * Me: "Yeah. Want me to try again?" * Tech Support: "Yes, go ahead. Tell me when Windows comes up." * Me: "Ok...it's giving me the same error message. It's not even getting into Windows." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's try rebooting again, but this time, hold the button down for longer." * Me: "Er...how much longer?" * Tech Support: "About five seconds." * Me: "All right. Holding it down now...ok, it's rebooting." * Tech Support: "Good. Tell me when Windows comes up." * Me: "Same error." * Tech Support: "Ok. Let's try a hard reboot. Turn your computer all the way off, then unplug the power cable." * Me: (??) "All right, it's out." * Tech Support: "Ok, now hold down your power button and plug it back in. But don't let go of the power button yet." * Me: "Er. Ok. Tell me when to let go." * Tech Support: "Ok, let go. Tell me when Windows comes up." * Me: "Same error message. Windows isn't coming up." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's try looking at your BIOS." * Me: "All right." * Tech Support: "Reboot your computer, and when it's coming up, hit F1 as many times as you can." * Me: "Can't I just hit it once?" * Tech Support: "No, your computer should start beeping. I want to make sure it beeps." * Me: "All right, it beeped. BIOS came up a while ago." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's walk through some things...." He proceeded to do nothing more than confirm there was nothing wrong with my BIOS. He had me reboot again, and, of course, I got the same error message. * Tech Support: "Ok, let's try bios one more time." * Me: "All right." * Tech Support: "Now, when it's rebooting, I want you to hit the F1 key as many times as you can. It has to beep for this to work." * Me: "I really don't think my computer 'beeping' has anything to do with the problem." * Tech Support: "I think I know a little more about computers than you do, ma'am." * Me: "All right, fine, I'm hitting it. My computer is beeping." * Tech Support: "I don't believe you." * Me: "...Excuse me?" * Tech Support: "I think you're lying. I need you to hit it as many times as you can. This is very important." Finally, I gave up on the guy and made my boyfriend finish the call. About half a minute into the call, my boyfriend gets a really funny look on his face and ejects the floppy disk that was in the drive. He rebooted it, and it worked fine. I suppose this doubles as a stupid user story too, but you'd think a tech support person would have checked for that early on, instead all the other dumb things he had me do. ======= I called up tech support because Internet Explorer insisted on opening everything I was trying to download with Quicktime. * Customer: "Internet Explorer insists on opening everything I try to download with Quicktime." * Tech Support: "Ok." * Customer: "So whenever I click on anything that I want to download it tries to open it with Quicktime." * Tech Support: "Are you sure that its not a Quicktime file?" * Customer: "No it's an exe file." * Tech Support: "So it's not a Quicktime file?" * Customer: "No, and I can't right click either, to do a Save Target As." * Tech Support: "Oh, but you're sure it's not a Quicktime file, right?" * Customer: "Yes, it is an executable file, DOT E X E, not DOT M O V." * Tech Support: "Is it a .exe that can be opened in Quicktime?" ======= I use a cable modem ISP, one of North America's largest ISPs. During one of their interminable outages, I called to demand what the problem was. * Tech Support: "Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?" * Me: "Yes, it's on and working fine. The modem's plugged in, but it isn't getting anything from your end." * Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the 'Start' button and type 'WINIPCFG'--" * Me: "Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX." This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it's supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn't get one. * Tech Support: "Well, sir, that's the problem." * Me: "Yes, I know. I'm getting no IP. I'm not in the network." * Tech Support: "No, sir, the problem is that you're using a Mac." Er.... * Me: "I'm sorry?" * Tech Support: "Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You're not using a PC." * Me: "Uhhh, I am using a PC. It's a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I'm running Windows 98." * Tech Support: "No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers are used by Macs." * Me: "You know, I don't think it works that way. I'm pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start with XXX. And I'm quite certain my computer is a PC." * Tech Support: "I don't think we use 'domain' here." * Me: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?" ======= I was having a problem with my Internet connection a week ago. It would go off, but both the modem and router said it was on. I first called the manufacturer of the router, who guided me through some steps, and we came to the conclusion it was the modem. I noticed it happened more often when I started my new game Battlefield 2, so I called EA Games, and they told me to open ports. Then I called my ISP. * Tech Support: "How may I help you today?" * Me: "Hi, I was wondering if you could open some ports on my connection. I need them open for this game I have, and I've opened them on my end, but the game says that you should also open your end as well." * Tech Support: "So you want to stick your game into the modem?" * Me: "No, I want you to open some ports so I can play the game." * Tech Support: "Sir, you cannot stick a game into your modem, you need a computer to stick the game into--" * Me: "Ummm, I don't want to stick the game into my modem, I want you to O-P-E-N P-O-R-T-S!!!" * Tech Support: "There's a cdrom drive on your computer. If you press the button that is next to or says 'cdrom drive,' a thing that looks like a cup holder will come out. Stick your game--" * Me: "!@#$*!@%" Some shuffling sounds on their end. * Supervisor: "Hello sir." * Me: "Would it be possible for you to open some ports on my internet connection so I can play a game. I've already done it on the router I have." * Supervisor: "Sir, you cannot put a game into your modem. It doesn't work." * Me: "!@#$*!@%" So then I called the company's business center, and I was told that opening ports would cost a LOT of money. I called tech support again, and finally got routed to their site in Texas. I told him my problem with the modem and ports and relayed to him the story. After laughing and apologizing, he told me (after I gave him the modem model number) that my modem was out of date. The new modem took five minutes to configure, and it worked fine. ======= This incident happened to me in India. This was in 1992-3 when Windows 3.1 was becoming popular. My machine had a CGA card and monitor, which I exchanged for a VGA card and monitor. The machine booted up -- there were no warning beeps -- but nothing was appearing on the screen. So I called up tech support. * Customer: "The computer boots up without any warning beeps, but nothing shows up on the screen." * Tech Support: "Is the monitor connected." * Customer: "Yes, but there is no display." * Tech Support: "Did you install the drivers for the VGA card?" * Customer: "How can I install them before I'm in DOS?" * Tech Support: "You have to install the drivers first before you can get a display." * Customer: "You don't need VGA drivers to boot to DOS like you do for Windows. I should be able to boot to DOS." * Tech Support: "Well, insert the floppy you received with your card. Go to the A:\Utilities directory. Type 'readme.com'." * Customer: "I cannot see anything. How do you expect me to read a file on the screen?" * Tech Support: "Read the file, and it will explain everything." I hung up. The problem was that the monitor was broken. I took it to the shop and proved it, and they gave me a replacement. ======= After owning my computer for a little over two months I noticed the system was sluggish. * Me: "My system's really slow on bootup." * Tech Support: "Have you been on the net for a long time?" * Me: "Well, yeah, about a month or two." * Tech Support: "Try deleting the cache. Oh, and do you have a virus scanner?" * Me: "Yes, it was the first thing I put on the hard drive." * Tech Support: "Oh, get rid of it. That's the problem. Those virus scanners screw things up on your disk. Get rid of it." * Me: "Isn't that risky?" * Tech Support: "And you'll have to format your hard drive with Quick Reinstall. That's really all I know." * Me: "Um...sure. Sure I will." A friend cleaned up my system path, and the boot lag cleared right up. And guess what? I didn't have to format my hard drive after all. ======= My school district decided to require us school psychologists to do all our reports on laptops and print from a single printer. After a few months the laptop they provided me ceased to work with the printer. I spoke with the IT Manager. * IT Manager: "I don't know if the problem is a hardware problem or a software problem." * Me: "Ok." * IT Manager: "So I can't solve the problem now." * Me: "When can you solve it?" * IT Manager: "I told you: I don't know if it is a hardware problem or a software problem. I can't fix it until I know." * Me: "Ok. I need to print my reports. When will I be able to?" * IT Manager: (angrily) "Look, if it's a hardware problem I can't fix it! I don't know if it is a hardware or a software problem." I made several more attempts to communicate with the IT manager about this problem over the next few weeks, only to find myself in the same conversation. Finally, I sent a memo to my boss, explaining that I was having difficulty getting tech support and could not print out my reports. My boss wrote back: * Boss: "Please do not harass the IT Manager anymore. He has already explained to you that he doesn't know whether it is a software problem or a hardware problem." ======= * Technician: "What a bad day! The PC is not working well, the phone is out of order, and I wounded my fingers when trimming the network plug with a knife to fit the PC hole." ======= A few weeks ago I was calling around to some local phone companies, looking for DSL. I have cable right now, but I'm extremely unhappy with the pathetic support they give. Anyway, the phone company is one of the main providers of DSL, so I called their number to ask some questions. * Me: "I want to get more information about the DSL." * Her: "What would you like to know?" * Me: "Is the 768K download in bits or bytes? I'm assuming bits." * Her: "I believe it's in bytes." * Me: "So you are giving me faster than my cable connection for cheaper? Are you sure its not 768 kilobits, which is about 96 kilobytes?" * Her: "I'm pretty sure it's 768 kilobytes." * Me: "Ok, that works. As for the IP address, is it static or dynamic?" * Her: "It's dymanic." * Me: "Oh, ok. So how often does it change?" * Her: "The only time it ever changes is when you go in there and change it." * Me: "Ummmm, then how would that be dynamic if it never changes?" * Her: (click) Ok, so, strike one. The girl in tech support didn't know what she was talking about, so she hung up on me. I called back, and this time a man answered the phone. I told him the girl was not only clueless but hung up on me, and I am already considering not using them. He said he would try to help. I asked him the same questions. The download speed is 768 kilobits. The IP address is dynamic and changes every few hours. But he couldn't answer anything else: he didn't know where I would get the DSL modem from, if they are using internal DHCP, how the changing IP address will affect my connectivity and downloads, etc. He finally admitted that at that particular call center, they really don't know much about it. He gave me a number for tech support. I called that number and a lady answered. She gave me a set of responses that were different still. I finally wrote in to their customer service and told them that after one person clearly had no clue what she was talking about and hung up on me, a second was guessing and admitted he didn't know, and tech support gave me completely different answers, I will not be using their services. The next day I received a reply. The man who replied basically said he was sorry for such bad service, and please call the following number for support. It was the number I dialed the first time. ======= I use a cable modem company for my Internet service. One day, it was not working. So I called our neighbors down the street and found that theirs was not working either. I decided to call tech support to see if it was down in our area. The message did not list it, so I went ahead to ask tech support. * Tech Support: "Oh, we've been getting a lot of calls from that area today." * Customer: "So service down in this area, then?" * Tech Support: "Hmmm, well, my records don't show that. Okay, let's check your settings." * Customer: "I've already checked my settings; they are fine. But I can see that the light on the cable modem isn't on. I just want to know if service is down and if someone is working on the problem." * Tech Support: "Hmmm, the problem isn't on our end, it's on your end. Maybe you should try to re-install your drivers. Sometimes the drivers just fail." * Customer: "Ma'am, we have five computers connected to the cable modem? None of them can get online. Are you saying all their drivers failed simultaneously?" * Tech Support: "Oh, your computers are networked? Well, we don't support networks." * Customer: "That's fine, I have my PC connected directly to the cable modem right now." * Tech Support: "Well, just re-install your modem drivers. Go to Control Panel...." * Customer: "Wait, you are telling me that five PCs of five different brands with five different drivers failed simultaneously? And how about the rest of the area? I think your service is down." * Tech Support: "Ma'am, I think it's your drivers." * Customer: "Uh, thanks, I'll check it out and call you back." I called back 30 minutes later. It turns out service was down in our area. ======= About a year ago, my mother was having problems with her brand new computer. She hadn't had it for a month before the video card died. She called the customer service line and spoke with a technical support representative, who diagnosed the problem and promised that they would send a new card to her. She received the new card and called the 800 number again, this time asking what to do with the card. The guy that was helping her said, "Do you see the screws on the back of the computer? Well, take them all out and take off the case. You will see a card that looks like the one you just received. Replace it with the card you have and put the case back on." And then he hung up. So here is my mother, staring at the back of her computer, seeing an array of screws, and wondering which ones she should take out. She followed his directions to the letter and unscrewed all of the screws on the back of her computer, not just the ones around the casing edge. All of her computer components hit the bottom of the case with a bang. When the dust settled and she realized what she had done, she called back, in hysterics. Thankfully, she got a nice woman who understood and agreed that it was the tech support guy's fault for not staying with her on the phone. She agreed to ship her a new computer at no charge. ======= When I was in college, I needed to connect to the school's network from my own computer in my dorm room. I knew there was a dial-up number that would allow me to log in and run limited commands. All I needed to know was the number. So I called the help desk. * Me: "I'm trying to access the University's network from my computer in my dorm room. Can you help me?" * Help Desk: "Which lab are you in?" * Me: "I'm not in a lab. I'm in my room." * Help Desk: "Then you're not on the network." * Me: "But I want to connect over the phone line. What number do I need to dial?" * Help Desk: "You need to call [phone number of help desk]." * Me: "No, that's your phone number. I need a dial-up number for the computer." * Help Desk: "I don't understand. What are you trying to do?" * Me: "I want to connect my computer to the school's network through the dial-up." * Help Desk: "Why don't you use a computer in the lab?" * Me: "That would defeat the purpose of having a computer in my room." * Help Desk: "Well, your computer is not connected to the school network." * Me: "I know! I want to use my modem to connect." * Help Desk: "What's a modem?" * Me: "Never mind." ======= * Me: "I was thinking of installing Linux, but I was wondering if you knew if the modem works under Linux." * Tech Support: "Oh, I'm sorry, we only support Windows." * Me: "I know. I was just wondering if you knew if it was possible." * Tech Support: "But we only support Windows." * Me: "I know, but just to save me some time, have you heard of anyone that got Linux to work with the modem?" * Tech Support: (getting annoyed) "Why can't you just use Netscape?" * Me: "Uh, wha? It's not a browser, it's a--never mind. Thanks for your help." ======= * Customer: "When my computer boots up, all I get is a black screen that says, 'boot2/'." * Tech Support: "What operating system are you using?" * Customer: "I'm using Windows 98 and NT 4.0." * Tech Support: "Ok, I'm the Mac tech. The Windows tech is gone, but I can try to help you." * Customer: "Ok, what should I do? I've reformatted the hard drive and have fresh installs of both operating systems." * Tech Support: "Sir, have you put any cheese or mustard in your a drive?" * Customer: "What? Did you just ask me if I put cheese or mustard in my floppy drive?" * Tech Support: "Yeah, we've had that happen a lot lately." * Customer: (staring blankly at roommate, who was laughing uncontrollably on the floor) "I think I'll wait for the PC tech to get back. Thanks for the help." (click) ======= Last term in college I was working in the lab when my network connection suddenly died. Mine was the only computer doing that, and we're not supposed to mess with the computers ourselves, so I called the lab attendant over. This guy was a fourth term programming major. I don't know how he was this stupid. But I told him what was wrong and what error message I was getting ("no route to host") and figured he'd go behind the computer and check the wires. No. He brought up the menu on the monitor (that allows you to adjust the size, shape, tint, brightness, etc, of the display) and starts fiddling with that. He told me to try again. Obviously it didn't work. * Me: "Why don't you just check the network wires?" * Him: "I'm the computer expert here. Just let me work." He fiddled with the monitor settings some more. Finally he slapped the monitor and said: * Him: "Well, I don't know what's wrong. That's what they get for having NT servers." When he left, I checked the back of the computer. As I thought, the wire had gotten pulled out. ======= * Me: "Yes, I'm having trouble with the connect suite for dial-up." * Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" * Me: "I get random disconnects, I can't always get the dialer to work, and web pages often give strange time-out errors. I set everything up according to the documentation." I thought, at this juncture, I'd get the usual "let's go through the setup just to be sure" routine. I was wrong. * Tech Support: "Yes, well, that program doesn't work on everyone's computer." * Me: "I know that. It doesn't work on mine, for instance." * Tech Support: "Well, we don't know why it doesn't always work. You should consider getting a new computer." ======= My company recently hired a new technician, and at first he seemed to know what he was doing, but soon he got in over his head. A customer brought in a system and said she couldn't get on the Internet. When the tech couldn't get the plug-n-play modem to work under Win3.11, he assumed it was a new modem, and it couldn't be done. He called her. * Tech Support: "Ok, this modem, since it is plug-n-play, will not work in Windows 3.11. You'll have to get a new modem or install the Windows 95 upgrade." * Customer: "But I've been using that modem for over a year in Windows 3.11, and it never gave me any problems." * Tech Support: "Well it doesn't work now." * Customer: "If it worked before, why would it not work now?" * Tech Support: "Lightning must have hit it, and now it won't work in anything but Windows 95." She called back later and asked for someone else. ======= A year ago, I was programming a database for one of the larger insurance companies in my state. The computers they had were awful things that still ran Windows 3.1 and took about three minutes to boot up. One morning I turned on my computer and waited for it to boot. Just as it loaded Windows, it started rebooting all over again. I waited again, and it did it again. After about ten times, I began to wonder. I would have just loaded DOS and found the problem, but one of the security systems on the computers there automatically rebooted the computer if you went to a DOS prompt. So I called tech support and explained the problem. * Tech Support: "Ok sir, have you tried rebooting the computer?" ======= I have a Pentium 100 that I bought in March 1996. I moved since then and lost the documentation about the motherboard. I called tech support. * Me: "Hi, I have a Pentium 100, and I want to put in a faster processor, a 133 MHz. I lost my motherboard documentation and the jumpers aren't marked. Can you tell me what the maximum is for the board I have?" I give him all the information he needs, restating the question three times in the process. * Tech Support: "I don't have that information." * Me: "You guys built the machine. Don't you have an engineer somewhere with this information?" * Tech Support: "Um, I don't know let me ask." Ten minutes later: * Tech Support: "Ok, I am going to transfer you to a technician." * Technician: "Ok, you want to put a 133 processor on this board?" * Me: "Yes." * Technician: "This board only goes up to 100 MHz. You can use it with Pentium 75, 90, or 100." * Me: "That's a disappointment -- I wish you hadn't sent me a machine with no upgrade flexibility like that." * Technician: "Well, you can put the P133 in -- it will run at 133, even though when it boots it will only say 100." * Me: "REALLY? In the five years I have been working with PC hardware and software, and of all the machines I have upgraded, I have never heard of this. Are you sure you are correct?" * Technician: (long pause) "Um, no." * Me: "You just wanted to get me off the phone, right? Well, I just wanted the answer about my board -- if the answer is no, fine, but don't lie to me." * Technician: "Um, sorry. No, you can't upgrade that board to a processor faster than 100." ======= * Me: "Hi, I have a problem with my left speaker, no sound is coming out of it." * Tech Support: "Have you adjusted the balance in the volume properties?" * Me: "Yes, it's definitely not that, and it's not a sound card or connection problem either. Could you just send me some new speakers? It's still under warranty." * Tech Support: "Errrm, ok, I want you to go to DOS and type 'format c:' and then restore your hard disk from the master CD." * Me: (click) ======= I called my cable modem service about a problem involving a series of constant disconnections and lock ups. * Tech Support: "Oh, you need to empty your browser's cache." * Me: "Well, that's a different program." * Tech Support: "Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?" * Me: "Internet Explorer." * Tech Support: "Ok, click on View/Properties/Internet Options." * Me: "I'm sorry but cache files from an entirely different program couldn't possibly be causing this." * Tech Support: "Hmm, let me refer you to advanced technical support." The advanced technician knew exactly what the problem was and solved it. A month later it happened again. * Tech Support: "When was the last time you cleaned your browser's cache?" Yet again I was forwarded to advanced tech support, and my problem was solved. A while later, it happened a third time. * Tech Support: "Oh, it's the cable line in your area. We'll get a truck rolling on it right away." * Me: "If it's the cable line, how am I able to connect at all?" * Tech Support: "There could be a short in one of the lines, and that could be causing it." The next day the cable repairman arrived and checked the lines in my area, but my service was again working flawlessly even before he arrived. When he left, I turned on the TV and noticed the cable was out. ======= I'm a system administrator for a fairly large company. We were shipping out new desktop PC's to all our branches, but the PC's did not come with installed modems. I installed modems in these machines and configured all the necessary software before I shipped them out. I received a call from one branch manager stating that his modem would not work. I had his try all the standard tests, and it appeared that the modem had become unseated. He called the IS director and asked why I hadn't tested the machine before I sent it. I tried to explain that I did, and the card had become unseated in shipping. The IS director, knowing that I install PCanywhere on all machines so I can troubleshoot from my office, asked, "Can't we use PCanywhere to dial in and fix that?" ======= I had just come across a Compaq 386 Deskpro motherboard. Since I was just getting into PCs, I thought it would be cool to wire it up for my brother. But I had no idea what the pinout for the power supply plug was, as it was non-standard. So I called up Compaq tech support. * Me: "I just got an old 386 Deskpro motherboard, and I wondered if I could get a pinout for the power supply plug, so I can power it up and see if it works." * Tech Support: "What happens when you turn it on?" * Me: "Ummm...nothing, I don't have a power supply for it. I need a pinout to wire up a standard power supply." * Tech Support: "I see. Can you get into Windows?" ======= About two years ago I signed up with a local ISP. They gave me some software to install and said it would take up to five days for my account to be activated. I installed the software, but five days later I still couldn't get on. I waited two more days, then called to find out what the problem was. The tech support person said he would check on it and call me back. Four hours later, I still hadn't received a call, so I called again. The same guy answered the phone. I asked if he had figured anything out. He replied that he had not. I told him if he couldn't fix the problem, I wanted to cancel my service. He stammered and told me he really didn't know that much about computers, but he didn't want to lose my business. At this point I completely lost my patience and told him to cancel the account immediately. He told me that to cancel my account I had to send them email from it. ======= I called the TurboTax support number for help with the online filing of my taxes. Here is my dialog with the "tech support" person: * Tech Support: "How can I help?" * Me: "I'm having a timeout problem when filing online. The modem dials up ok, but after connecting I get a timeout error." * Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?" * Me: "A MultiTech 28.8." * Tech Support: (pause) "We only support 9600 baud. What's 28.8?" * Me: "Twenty-eight point eight K-baud." * Tech Support: "What's K-baud?" ======= While looking into DSL, I came across a number for a large service provider and called to get details. When the tech support person got up to the speed of the connection, she said: * Tech Support: "1.54mbit up/down." * Me: (after some calculations) "Hmmm. That's about 173KB/sec, right?" * Tech Support: (pause; sound of typing) "No, that's 1.54MB/sec." * Me: "No, that's the speed in bits per second. I wondered what it was in bytes per second." * Tech Support: (pause) "No, it's 1.54MB/sec." * Me: "No, 8 bits equals 1 byte--" * Tech Support: "No, bits and bytes are the same thing!" * Me: "Um, that's not true. That's why a 56K modem is a 56kbit modem that usually gets 5 KB/sec transfer rates." * Tech Support: "Well that's because people take out the dot when they say it. It's actually 5.6kbit or 5.6kbyte. The .6kbyte is just lost in the connection." ======= As a networking consultant called in to a new client, one of the things I like to do is go over their bills to make sure they are getting what they are paying for from ISPs, telcos, etc. On one occasion, I discovered that a client was paying an ISP for 20 email mailboxes that they hadn't used in years. I called the ISP's customer support to cancel the mailboxes. * Me: "Yes, I notice I'm paying $100/month for 20 email boxes I'm not using. I'd like to cancel them all." * Tech Support: (after verifying our account information and getting the details of the account displayed) "No problem, sir. What I'd like you to do is fax me a list of all the boxes you'd like to cancel, and I'll do it this afternoon." * Me: "Well, I can't really do that, because I don't have a list of these email names. I just have a bill. We haven't used these names in probably two years. Just cancel them all." * Tech Support: "It's all right, sir. I have them here. I'll read them to you." She proceeded to read me names, and like an idiot I jotted them down until it dawned on me what we were doing. * Me: "Hold on. You're going to read me all 20 names?" * Tech Support: "Yes." * Me: "So I can write them down and fax them back to you??" * Tech Support: "That is our policy, sir." * Me: "Am I the only one who thinks this is absurd?" ======= My husband and I helped our church get online. We installed a new modem, checked everything out and then after doing some research on local ISPs we chose a reputable one that would give the church a good deal. Netscape came with the modem's communications software, but it was an old version. After getting everything going we started to download Netscape's upgrade. The ISP kept hanging up ten minutes after starting the download. We checked all the settings. Everything checked out fine, but we were still experiencing the problem. It would even disconnect while downloading email. I asked the church's secretary to call the ISP's tech support number the following morning. The next morning she called me back and reported that the ISP tech support person had told her she needed to reformat her computer and reinstall Windows. I called the tech support person myself. * Me: "I can't believe you told her that! You told her that? That's preposperous! This is not a software problem, this is a problem with the ISP. What does this have to do with email downloads and getting disconnected?" * Tech Support: "Look, this is a common problem. I can't even download email without it disconnecting. It is like that with all ISPs. This is what we tell all our customers who have this problem. You see, SMTP stands for--" * Me: "I don't think you have any idea what you are talking about. I am with Netcom, and this has never happened to me." ======= I was getting several "illegal operation" errors on a new Windows 95 machine I was trying out. So I called tech support. * Customer: "I want to buy this computer, but I'm a little concerned that I'm getting so many error messages. Is that common with this machine?" * Tech Support: "Well, we have to reformat the hard disk and reinstall the software every day. That's normal." * Customer: "Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that I will have to reinstall Windows every single time I use the computer?!?" * Tech Support: "When it has errors, ma'am, that's the only way to get rid of them." Needless to say, I purchased my computer elsewhere, from a store and salesmen that had a clue. ======= I had a problem with my computer. Out of the clear blue, the sound card disappeared from my hardware settings. After trying to get Windows 95 to re-install it, I gave up -- Win95 consistently told me that the card was a Soundblaster, and I knew it wasn't. But I didn't know what kind it was, and the manuals that came with the computer didn't say. I called tech support, and they asked me what had been installed on the system since I bought it. "Microsoft Office, and Plus" I said. They told me that was the problem. They told me I wasn't ever supposed to install anything on the machine except for what came with it originally. Then they told me to reformat my hard drive and re-install everything from the setup CD. I asked to speak with this guy's supervisor, and he told me the same thing. ======= In the 1980s, I did not know what fdisk was or how to use it, so I called tech support and left a message on their answering machine. I spoke very clearly and left the message: "My hard drive crashed, and I've been told that I need to do a low-level format before I can restore from my tape backup. How do I low-level format my hard drive?" The next day, our receptionist handed me this message from the tech support team: "Put the floppy diskette in the drive and type format a: and hit enter." ======= This weekend, my father brought over his new laptop, purchased at a major retailer. It was taking 4-5 minutes to boot into the OS. It was discovered that there were several utilities loading during startup, some of them multiple times. Not wanting to void the support warranty, we called tech support. After my father related the problem, they talked him through removal and unchecking of many of the options. A reboot then took about 2.5 minutes, still quite a long time. When he asked what else could be done, he was told, "Just reboot a few more times. It should get faster as it works in." We just sat there with our mouths open. ======= I was working as a student placement at a rather large company last year. One of our backup tape drives was acting up, and nothing I could do fixed it. So I phoned support. The first thing the guy asked, after half an hour of detail-taking, was: * Tech Support: "Do you use clean tapes in the drive every time?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Well, that'll be your problem. Use a new tape every time, and that'll fix it." I was rather skeptical about this but decided to try it anyway. Of course, it didn't work. So I rang support again and got a different guy. * Tech Support: "Do you use clean tapes in the drive every time?" * Customer: "Yes!" (enthusiastically) * Tech Support: "Oh, well, that'll be your problem then. Every new tape that's used clogs up the drive." ======= I bought a laptop with a DVD drive and S-video output, thinking to use it, among other things, to play DVDs on my TV. The S-video output worked fine until I tried to play DVDs, when it switched back to the laptop's monitor. So I called tech support. * Tech Support: "It's not supposed to work, because the resolution would degrade too much." * Customer: "But this is DVD; they're designed for TV sets." * Tech Support: "No. You see, it looks really great on your computer monitor, but the TV doesn't have as good resolution." * Customer: "But DVDs aren't SUPPOSED to use all that resolution. They're supposed to be shown on TV sets. Anyway, do you have a solution for me?" * Tech Support: "Well, if you'd get an HDTV, it would work fine!" As it turns out, he was right about one thing -- it wasn't supposed to work. Buried in the documentation of the MPEG decoder is a line that the card didn't support interlaced displays. ======= The company is now dead, so I can mention this one by name: * Tech Support: (an elderly sounding woman) "Hello, Commodore customer service. May I help you?" * Customer: "Yes, I'm trying to find the file format for Deluxe Music Construction Set." * Tech Support: "You want to format a disk? Lemme see..." (paper rustles) * Customer: "No. I'm looking for documentation on the file format for DMCS." * Tech Support: "Oh, yes. I've got documentation here." (paper rustles) "Ok, to format a disk, first you--" * Customer: "No, no...I'm looking for the file format for--" * Tech Support: "You want to format a file? I umm..." (paper rustles again) * Customer: "NO... I DO NOT WANT TO FORMAT A FILE!" * Tech Support: "Ok, well, to format a disk, you--" * Customer: "NO! I don't want to format a disk. I'm a programmer. I'm trying to find some documentation on--" * Tech Support: "We have documentation." * Customer: "Yes, I understand. But I'm looking for specific documentation on software that I bought through Commodore. I'm looking for documentation on the file format for Deluxe Music Construction Set--" * Tech Support: (paper rustles) "You want to format a file?" * Customer: "No, I-- Is there someone else there I can talk to?" * Tech Support: "No. No one here but me." I tried in vain for other contact numbers or the vendor of the software (contact information for that software was conspicuously missing in my software and documentation). Some hours later I called the same number above and got someone who gave me decent information. He had no clue what woman I talked to earlier. Could have been janitorial staff for all I knew. ======= I was troubleshooting a powerbook for a user, which had been flaky all of its short life, when it refused to boot and I could smell something smoldering. Clearly there was a short-circuit somewhere, probably in the power supply. I called Apple to get it repaired under the warranty. * Me: "Hi, I have a problem with a powerbook. It has developed a short circuit, probably in the power supply. I need an RMA number so I can send it back; it's still under warranty. * Tech Support: "Please describe the symptoms." * Me: "Um, there is a short circuit somewhere. I'd guess it's a bad power supply. I can smell smoldering when I try to power it on, and it won't boot, and the screen is just a pattern of lines. * Tech Support: "Ok, let's try troubleshooting this." * Me: "There's nothing to troubleshoot. I need an RMA number so I can send it back under warranty. * Tech Support: "Well, you just described three problems to me. We'll tackle each one and see how many we can fix." * Me: (frustrated) "There's only one problem, a short circuit in the power supply. Something's burning inside the case; I can smell it when I power it on." * Tech Support: (as to a child) "You said that you smell smoke, that it won't boot, and that there are funny lines on the screen. We'll tackle each of these one at a time. Now, let's start the troubleshooting and see if we can get it to boot." At this point, I mumbled something about the phone not being near the computer and hung up. The punch line is that, after the thing was shipped to Apple (twice), it got stolen from the shipping agent's truck, and we got a brand new model. ======= I had just bought a new laser printer in the US when I received a very good job offer for the summer in Europe. So I called the printer manufacturer's help desk to find out if I could use the printer in Europe with 220 volts, or if they had a low cost transformer. * Me: "Hello, I have just bought your new (printer model), and I was wondering if I can use it in Europe with 220 volts?" * Tech Support: "Hmmm...let me see.... Here, ok, it says that the printer works with 120 volts, so 220 volts should be enough." * Me: "What?! If it is made only for 120 volts, and I hook it up to 220 volts, it's going to fry." * Tech Support: "Hmmm. You may need a surge protector." ======= Around 2001, our family got a new desktop computer from a popular computer company. We also got an inkjet printer in a sort of bundle deal. After a few weeks of flawless operation, the printer ceased working and made an odd clicking sound whenever a document was sent to it. We called customer support for help. The customer support associate went through an idiotic troubleshooting checklist ("Is the printer plugged into the wall?" and so forth) and then had us check the device manager and reinstall the printer drivers. I told him it did not appear to be a software problem, because the printer was making odd noises, which indicated a mechanical failure of some kind. After an hour long session of troubleshooting, we were advised to box up the computer and printer and send it to their repair center. Yes, not just the printer but the computer as well. They asked if we had any files on the hard drive that we'd like to save. We told them which files and folders to save for us. Finally we got the computer back and a new printer. The computer had been wiped and the operating system reinstalled, and we got our data files on a CD. The problem? A cheeto had fallen into the printer and jammed it. They sent the cheeto back in a small plastic bag. The printer was covered by the warranty, but the CD backup was not, so they charged us $100 for it. ======= I'm an American living in Switzerland. I prefer English software, and the easiest way to get it is to buy directly from the United States. So, we've recently purchased software from [a company] in the States. It had a few problems, so I called the international support line, and please note the word 'international'. After 45 minutes of listening to bad music at peak international phone rates, someone came on the line. It's a known problem, he said, and he'd send an update right out -- he'd just need my address. He asked for my street. He asked for my city. He asked for my state. Oops, I'm in Switzerland, and the 'state' field doesn't apply. The tech is very apologetic, but his software won't let him leave the field blank. Ok, I said, I'm from Texas, so just put Texas in there. Amazingly, the software accepts my four digit zip code. But he never asked me for my country, so I double checked. No, there was no place for him to enter a country. So he wrote my address down and said he'd sort it out later. Weeks later, the update still hadn't arrived. I called back, waiting "only" twenty minutes this time. They checked, found my order, and told me it had been sent to Canada and been returned as undeliverable. I corrected the mistake, and the update arrived a few days later in spite of the fact that it was addressed to "Swaziland." I have no idea if this company ever updated their software so the international help line could support international addresses. ======= * Me: "Does your Internet provider support multicasting?" * Tech Support: "Yes. Just download it onto your PC and it'll work fine." ======= * Customer: "I seem to have lost my IP address can you tell me what it is?" * Tech Support: "Just a minute, I'll check." (pause) "You're using Win95 aren't you? It's a bit complicated. Click on Start." * Customer: "Ok, I don't need to do that--" * Tech Support: "Please do it my way, click on Start." * Customer: "Ok." * Tech Support: "Now click on Settings...Control Panel...Networks...TCP/IP...and now on Protocols, and there you are." * Customer: "Yes, that's where I was when I called you." * Tech Support: "Well why call me? That's where your IP address is, right in front of you." * Customer: "Well, that's where it should be, but mine's all blank." * Tech Support: "Well, what do you want me to do?" * Customer: "Can you tell me what it is?" * Tech Support: "Of course, just a second...why didn't you ask me that in the first place?" ======= * Customer: "I can't seem to connect. Is there a problem on your end?" * Tech Support: "No. Let's check a few things." "We" check. * Tech Support: "Ok, looks like you'll have to re-install your net software. Do you still have the disks we sent you?" * Customer: "I've been using you guys as an ISP fully a year before you had handy install disks for common software." * Tech Support: (pause -- he clearly doesn't comprehend how that's even possible) "Well, then you'll have to re-install Windows." * Customer: "I don't think so. Can I talk to someone else?" * Tech Support: "Um...just a sec." (several minute pause) "You there?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "We're down in your area." * Customer: (dryly) "Thank you very much." ======= One of our clients, an ISP, gave us a free account to use to test their service and help us write the documentation and marketing copy for them. I set the system up, logged on, and handed it over to my assistant. After about thirty minutes I passed by and noticed they were on the phone to the technical support line, reporting a problem with the connection. I checked what the problem was with my assistant who told me that the web site they were supposed to connect to wasn't answering. I checked -- sure enough the connection just timed out with the usual 'Unable to connect to server' error. I tried a ping to the server and got no response, then decided to speak to the tech support person myself. He was convinced the problem was with our dial-up connection, but as soon as I got on the phone I suggested the server was down and asked if he could check it with someone. He refused and we spent the next forty minutes trying various things on our machine to get the connection working. Finally I stopped him: * Me: "Look, I'm a technical consultant who tells other ISP's how to set up their services. I was a founder member of the largest ISP in the UK, I think I know the difference between your server being down and a probem with my machine." * Tech Support: "I've set up two ISPs myself, I know what I'm doing, sir." * Me: "You may well have set two ISPs up, but your server is currently down. Can I speak to your supervisor? I don't have time to waste checking things I know aren't wrong." * Tech Support: "Hang on a second -- I'll just check something." (pause) "It looks like our server is down." * Me: "I told you that 45 minutes ago. Why didn't you check that when I first asked -- we could have both saved ourselves a heck of a lot of time." * Tech Support: "Well, we have to go through this procedure of checking the caller's machine." ======= * Me: "I'm having problems connecting to sites outside the University." * Tech Support: "What operating system are you using?" * Me: "The latest version of Linux." * Tech Support: "What programs are you currently running?" * Me: "Nothing much -- ftp, telnet, X, Netscape, sendmail..." * Tech Support: "It's not our fault you can't connect anywhere if you're running sendmail. You have to get mail centrally." * Me: "But sendmail has nothing to do with ftp access, web access, or anything else." * Tech Support: "It's not our problem." Three months later, it was announced on the University web site that there was an "untraced fault" on the network, and everyone had to reduce the MTU on their computers to 1498. A few talks with various technicians revealed that this had been known and repeatedly reported by a great many people, who had received just as unfriendly a response as I had, over those 3 months. The official story was that the technicians were waiting to see if the problem would clear up on its own. It took another six months of complaints before they finally got someone in to fix the router. ======= I recently signed up for a 640kbps ADSL line with a borrowed router. We have four computers in our household, with a perfectly working LAN. But after trying to set up the ADSL settings, there was still no connection to the Internet. I thought it was an ISP problem, so I phoned to the tech support. I explained the problem, and... * Me: "...If I ping any computer everything works fin--" * Tech Support: "You what?" * Me: "If I ping any comp--" * Tech Support: "No, I didn't get what you did. Ping, right?" * Me: "Yes, ping. You know, when you write 'ping' and an IP address to see if the network is working." * Tech Support: "Write where?" * Me: "At a command prompt." * Tech Support: "It is better for you to upgrade to Windows XP. DOS is outdated." * Me: "I run Windows 2000. Go to Start, Programs, Accessories, and you'll see a Command Prompt icon. That's where I type 'ping'." * Tech Support: "Oooooooooooh, I see, I see. Now I remember. Maybe the LAN isn't working." * Me: "No, I told you, the LAN was set up well before the ADSL contract and is perfectly fine." * Tech Support: "Mhm. Go to Start, Programs, Accessories, and you'll see a Command Prompt icon. You'll get a black window. Write p-i-n-g-space-[an IP address]." * Me: "..." * Tech Support: "Sir?" * Me: "Done. All packets lost." * Tech Support: "You have a LAN, don't you? Try to ping your PCs and the router. To do so, go to Start, Progr--" * Me: "I know." And so on, for almost an hour. The problem never got solved. Later I swapped out the router, and it worked. So I called back to see if I could have a replacement router. * Tech Support: "So, you tried to exchange the router with a new one and it worked?" * Me: "Yes, it could be defective." * Tech Support: "Yes, it could. Which brand of router did you have?" * Me: "A Cisco one." * Tech Support: "Ah. Does Cisco make routers?" I hung up, and later I cancelled. ======= I had a problem with using my PPP connection through Linux. The data transfers were really slow sometimes but fine at others. I played with it for a while, then finally called the help desk. I was on hold for twenty minutes, then: * Tech Support: "Hi. How can I help you?" * Me: "Hi. I'm trying to hook up my Linux box via PPP, and I'm running into some problems. It works fine under 95, but I can't seem to get it to connect right under Linux. I can resolve hostnames and even --" * Tech Support: "Um, sir -- what kind of computer is it?" * Me: "IBM compatible. Specifically, an Ambra." * Tech Support: "Ok -- what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?" I slap my forehead. * Me: "This is Linux. It doesn't run Trumpet Winsock." * Tech Support: "Oh - it's a DOS program?" * Me: "No. It's an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under 95." * Tech Support: "Well, have you tried running this program under Windows 95 then?" * Me: "No, it is an operating system. It doesn't run under another operating system." * Tech Support: "Oh. Ok, so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?" Murderous thoughts are going through my head. After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understands that Winsock won't run on Linux for some weird reason. * Me: "So can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?" * Tech Support: "Sure. I just need to get some info from you." She gets down my name, room number, phone number, computer type and brand, then we get interesting again. * Tech Support: "Ok, so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows 95?" * Me: "Neither. It's Linux." * Tech Support: "Which type of Windows does it run under though?" * Me: "Neither! It runs on its own!" * Tech Support: "Oh!!! Oh! I'm sorry, in that case we can't help you. We only support Windows 3.1 and Windows 95." * Me: "WHAT?!?" * Tech Support: "Sorry. That's all we're currently supporting. Have a nice day." [click] ======= * Me: "The ethernet card you supplied doesn't work under Linux." * Tech Support: "Have you installed the DOS drivers?" * Me: "I'm using Linux, so the DOS drivers won't work." * Tech Support: "Why not?" ======= I was a manager in an IT department who had a network of around 100 point-of-sale (POS) computers spread all over Australia. One of our shops, about 2000 miles away, called with a problem. The motherboard appeared to be broken. I called one of our technicians who was in the area and asked him to go over and swap out the hard drive from the machine with the broken motherboard into a machine that was in the store room which I figured was working fine -- that way the shop wouldn't lose any of its data. The technician called me later and said he couldn't figure out how to get the hard drive out of the machine. To understand what he was looking at, I dismantled a spare machine I had. Thankfully IBM made the machines easy to service -- lots of diagrams and instructions on the inside of the case. You just had to get into it first. The hard drive was mounted on a tray which was designed to slide out smoothly once a retaining clip had been pressed. Then it would be easy to unplug the drive and slide a new one in. No matter how much I described, cajoled, and threatened the technician, he could not figure out how to get the hard drive out. He finally got sick of it, got in his car and drove away, leaving the shop with frustrated customers. I called the technician's manager and explained the situation. But he wasn't too interested either, saying we'd have to get IBM to come and fix it (at a huge cost, as you can imagine). I called the shop back to explain what was going on and that they'd be down for a while. But the elderly lady in the shop said, "It's ok, dear. I watched what the technician was doing, and it didn't look that complicated. He left some of his tools behind, so I pulled the machines apart, swapped the disks, and all I need to know now is how to get the cases back on." I lead her through how to re-fit the case, and she was off and running. ======= This is an actual conversation I overheard in the cube next to me. I only heard one side of it. He had called the helpdesk to resolve a network problem. "Hello, my name is [name]. My computer no longer communicates on the network. . . . Yes, the network connection is plugged in. . . . Yes, both ends. . . . Ok, I've rebooted the computer. Still nothing. . . . I don't have a 'Start' button. I'm running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Windows NT. . . . NT. . . . Ennnn Teeee. . . . I don't think that will work. . . . Well, ok. I'm pulling down file [long list of instructions]. . . . I don't have that menu choice. . . . Ok, we'll try it again. I pull down file [long list of instructions]. That menu choice doesn't exist. . . . Yes, thank you, I do know how to spell. . . . No, there is no menu choice by that name. . . . I'm sorry, it isn't there. . . . No, I do not have a 'Start' button. . . . No, I am not running Windows 3.11. I am running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Uhhh, no, I don't think they are the same thing. . . . Look, you can keep saying that the choice has to be there, but in fact it is not. I'm running Windows Ennn Teee. It's different from Windows 3.1. . . . No, the choice third from the bottom is [name of option]. . . . I AM NOT LYING TO YOU. . . . Hello? . . . Hello?" My co-worker redials. "Hello help desk? My name is [name]. I called a few minutes ago with a network problem. I'd like the name of the tech assigned to my case. . . . Thank you. Now, could you assign a different person to the case please? . . . Because she's a moron. . . . Yes, I did say moron. . . . Thank you." ======= * Customer: "I'm calling to find out if the modem that was bundled with my system has Non-Volatile RAM. It doesn't appear to work, if so." * Tech Support: "Have you run 'MemMaker'?" ======= * Tech Support: "Multitasking a Pentium is like stepping on the motherboard with running cleats." ======= I was waiting in a computer store for a price quote once, and while I was waiting I noticed one of the technicians trying to fix a customer's computer. I listen in on the conversation. * Tech Support: "You see when I put my mouse over 'Documents'? How it turns yellow?" It was clear the customer had changed the Windows 95 colour scheme from the standard green background and blue and white windows that you see when Windows 95 starts for the first time. He had a new color scheme altogether, a blue background, and when he ran his mouse to highlight something, it turned yellow instead of the original blue. Perfectly normal, I thought; almost every Windows 95 user changes the color scheme. * Customer: "Yes, I see that. What about it?" * Tech Support: "That means you have a virus." Of course, that was it. I wasn't going to buy a system from a store with this incredible tech support, so I left. ======= * Lab Technician: "Is that an old disk?" * Friend: "Yeah, it's an old one. I reformatted it." * Lab Technician: (suspiciously) "What was on it before?" * Friend: "I had some games on it." * Lab Technician: "WHAT??? Don't you know that games are FULL of viruses!?" * Friend: "What--?" * Lab Technician: "Give me the disk right now! I'm going to scan it for viruses." * Friend: "Look, it's been formatted, so it's blank, and games are not--" * Lab Technician: "Hand it over right now or I'll throw you out." He was absolutely baffled when he didn't find any viruses on it. ======= I had a friend who gave me a Mitsubishi monitor. The monitor wasn't getting a picture for some reason, so it obviously needed some servicing. I took it to a repairman to see what could be done. * Technician : "You mean you get no picture at all when you boot up your computer?" * Me: "That's right." * Technician : "Oh, that's because you have a small hard drive. You have to get a bigger hard drive and then the monitor will work fine." ======= My new ISP was exhibiting extremely slow service. When my wife called to ask if they were having a problem, they told her no, everything was fine and maybe she should defragement the hard drive. ======= I got disconnected from my ISP and was unable to log back onto it -- my modem would connect and everything, but Dial-Up Networking couldn't get past verifying username and password. Nothing had changed in my setup, so I called my ISP's tech support. * Me: "I'm calling to report an outage with my dialup number." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's check your Dial-Up Networking settings." He didn't bother to check whether I was using Windows or MacOS. * Tech Support: "Are there any dashes in the phone number?" * Me: "No, but that wouldn't affect how my modem dials." * Tech Support: "Try removing the dashes anyway." * Me: "Ok. I should mention that I have no problem calling the number and connecting to a modem -- I connect at a full 49,333 each time. I just can't get past the verifying the username and password step. Is it possible that network maintenance is being done right now?" * Tech Support: "What state are you calling in, sir?" * Me: "California." * Tech Support: "One second, let me check. . . . No, don't see anything at all in California. You double checked your username and password, right?" * Me: "Yep. Nothing has changed in my setup. This was working just ten minutes ago." * Tech Support: "Have you tried any other dialup numbers?" * Me: "Yes. I tried the one in [city], which is a toll call for me. That one doesn't work either." * Tech Support: "Ok. Try adding three commas after your dialup number." Adding a comma in a modem dial string causes the modem to pause in its dialing for three seconds. This guy wanted me to add nine seconds of pause after the number had been dialed. * Me: "Um...what good would that do?" * Tech Support: "I dunno. I just notice that it always seems to help when I get busy signals." * Me: "But I'm not getting a busy signal! Like I said, I can connect just fine, physically. I just can't get logged on." * Tech Support: "Try the commas. I'm sure they'll help. Give it about fifteen minutes or so, and if you're still not able to connect, call us back." * Me: "Sir, I'm an experienced computer tech. I know that adding commas to my dialup number isn't going to change whether or not the authentication servers and routers are working. If anything, it's going to cause the modem on the other end to hang up before mine tries to connect to it." * Tech Support: "Ok, what's the dialup number you're calling, sir?" * Me: "[number]" * Tech Support: "Ok, lemme put you on hold for just a moment." (elevator music pause) "Sir, I just tried that dialup number, and it sounds all weird. Didn't sound like a modem." * Me: "Huh. Sounds just fine on my end when I connect to it." * Tech Support: "Well, I just called it, and it was giving off all sorts of weird tones and stuff. I can write this up as an incident report for you if you want." * Me: "How'd you try to connect to it?" * Tech Support: "I just called it." * Me: "What kind of modem?" * Tech Support: "No, I just called it." * Me: "Did it sound kinda like a fax?" * Tech Support: "Sort of." * Me: "Then there's nothing wrong with the dialup number itself. That's a V90 train sequence starting up there. Those little tones you're hearing are the modem trying to determine if you're a compatible V90 modem on the other end." * Tech Support: "Oh." * Me: "Look, I know exactly what's wrong, and what needs to be done to fix it. What's happening is that your routers in my area are down. Your technicians need to be made aware of it. If you could just let them know about it, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it real soon, if they haven't already." * Tech Support: "Well, why don't you give it about 15 to 20 minutes, and if it's not working by then, give us a call back and we'll see what we can do for you." * Me: "All right. Thanks for your time." * Tech Support: "Have a good evening, sir." (click) About fifteen minutes later, I was about ready to call them back, but then I actually managed to log on again. Unbelievable. ======= I originally bought a certain brand of computer that supposedly came with a video card that had 2 megs of memory. After a while, noting that the screen graphics were moving very slowly, I went into the Windows 95 Control Panel to take a look. Video memory: 1 meg. So I checked with a diagnostic program. Video memory: 1 meg. I called the tech support people about this. * Tech Support: "Oh, the Control Panel just tells you how much video memory you are using right now, you really do have 2 megs in there." Pardon me, but if my Windows 95 desktop takes up 1 meg of video memory just sitting there, we have a problem. * Tech Support: "Well, you need to go out and buy [a brand name diagnostic problem] and check the video memory, because that is the only one I know how to use. Don't worry, it'll tell you you have 2 megs of video memory." Um, I need to buy a $50 piece of software so that I can tell you something I already know? * Tech Support: "Well, this particular motherboard/chip/etc is registered with the FCC, and I have the specs right here! It has 2 megs of video memory!" * Customer: "Maybe the specs say so, but my computer doesn't." * Tech Support: "Well, you can just ask the FCC if you need to! Your computer is [a certain type], and that type has 2 megs of video memory -- so your computer does too." * Customer: "It is still under warranty. Can I have someone take a look at it and check to see if something is wrong? It only has 1 meg of video memory." * Tech Support: "No, it has 2!" He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between a written set of specifications and a material object -- namely, my computer. * Tech Support: "Here, I'll have my supervisor come and read you the specifications for your computer!" * Customer: "Um, I have the specs right here. And yes, this computer should have 2 megs of video memory. But it doesn't, and that is why I'm on the phone with you!" I finally managed to get the guy to give me the number of the local computer tech so I could take it in. The computer tech looked at it, said, "Hmm. It only has a 1 meg video card in it," traded it out, and I got my computer back. The scariest thing about that call was what I left out. There were about four other things wrong with the computer at the same time -- and each garnered about the same level of response. ======= I overheard a conversation between the assistant manager of a PC repair place and a customer. * Manager: "Ok, you've got a new video card in there. The bad news is that your old card was an AGP, and the new one is PCI and eight megabytes. That means that it'll steal eight megabytes of your system memory." * Customer: "Oh, my..." * Me: "Ahh...pardon me? No it won't. That figure of eight megabytes refers to the amount of video memory on the video board itself. It has nothing to do with system memory, and it won't steal anything from it." * Customer: "Oh, thank you! That's what I was looking for, a little expertise." * Manager: "Are you sure? Even with PCI?" ======= The following is a three-way conversation between customer support for a company that sells computers, a customer of said company, and a technician that was called in to repair the hard drive of a machine from said company. There's one brain among the three of them, and it's not hard to figure out which one has it. * Customer Support: "Customer support center this is Allen." * Technician: "Ya, this is the 'CE' from (company). I was called in to fix yer hard drive. I put one in but now it's asking for a reference disk." * Customer Support: "All our systems are shipped with reference disks. They should be in a box called 'reference disks' there next to the computer." * Technician: "Oh, here they are, do I put it in now?" * Customer Support: "Yes, and reboot the computer. It will come up to a configuration screen and all you have to do is follow the prompts. Are you sure you're a service guy?" * Technician: "Look, I've been working on PC's for over 10 years now; I know enough to reboot. Geeez! Oh, wait, it says, 'There were no configuration files found for devices in slots 1, 2, 4...please remove your reference disk and insert disk containing the correct configuration.' What do I do now? * Customer Support: "Look in the box. There should be the original disks that came with the network card, the scsi controller, and the modem. You'll have to put them in one at a time as it asks to update your reference disk. What kind of network card is in the machine?" * Technician: "It's a microchannel card." * Customer Support: "Not what brand. What type? Token ring? Ethernet?" * Technician: "How do I tell? Oh wait, the customer wants to talk to you." * Customer: [yell, yell, curse, curse] "What do we pay you for??" * Customer Support: "Calm down." * Customer: "We have a box here that says use these disks to reconfigure the computer. Maybe he should be using these instead." Hours go by. * Customer Support: "There, now reboot the computer, and it should all be finally working fine." * Technician: "Hmmmm. It says invalid or missing command interpreter." * Customer Support: "Were there any error messages when you formatted the new drive?" * Technician: "Formatted the new drive? I just put it in outta the box." * Customer Support: [taking a big gulp of cold coffee] "That's ok, we can do that now. Put in a boot disk, and we'll format the drive and then restore the system from tape." Dead silence. * Technician: "I don't think we have a backup tape." ======= I know just enough to get myself in big trouble. Long story, but I managed to trash the BIOS and remembered that jumping two pins on the BIOS would reset the BIOS to a preset level. * Tech Support: "What operating system do you have installed?" * Me: "Windows 98." * Tech Support: "You didn't buy that from us, you have to reinstall Windows 3.1 before I can help you." * Me: "I would be more than happy to, but the BIOS has to be reset first." * Tech Support: "Maybe I didn't make myself clear. You have to reinstall Windows 3.1 first." * Me: "May I talk to your supervisor, please?" * Tech Support: (very loudly) "You understand this telephone line is recorded, right!?" * Me: "Doesn't bother me. May I please speak to your supervisor?" * Tech Support: "I don't have to put up with your foul language." (click) ======= Once I called my local phone company to see if they were offering ADSL in my area. * Me: "I am calling to see if ADSL is available in my area." * Customer Service: "56k? Yeah, we offer 56k." * Me: "No, no. ADSL." * Customer Service: "Oh, no, we quit offering 28.8k a long time ago." * Me: "No, I'm talking about ADSL." * Customer Service: "What city do you live in?" * Me: "Dalton." * Customer Service: "No, we quit offering 28.8k a long time ago." ======= Many years ago I was having problems with my miniframe lab computer. I called tech support, and after some time of discussing the problem, the guy told me to format the disk into two 795 megabyte partitions. When I told them that the disk was only a 300 megabyte disk, he replied, "I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate." ======= I noticed that the CGI scripts on my web site had spontaneously ceased working, so I contacted the tech support for the ISP that was hosting the site. It's important to note that, since I had set up the site, I had moved to a different city and, hence, only used telnet to connect to them. The tech needed to ask a few preliminary questions. * Tech Support: "What number are you dialing in to?" * Me: "I'm not dialing in. I'm using telnet." * Tech Support: "Yes, but what number are you calling?" * Me: "You don't understand, I'm not dialing in to your modem pool. I'm telneting to you." * Tech Support: "Please tell me what number you are dialing." * Me: "Fine. (number)" * Tech Support: "That's not one of our numbers!" * Me: "Of course it's not. I'm using A TELNET UTILITY to reach you over the Internet." * Tech Support: "But how are you connecting to the Internet?" * Me: "Though a different ISP!" * Tech Support: "Then we can't help you!" * Me: "Listen, I am connecting to you via telnet. It's a utility that allows me to connect to your UNIX shell from a remote location WITHOUT USING A PHONE LINE." * Tech Support: (incredulous) "So, you're using a cable modem or something?" * Me: (figuring it was just easier to say yes) "Yes." * Tech Support: "Um, we don't support UNIX." * Me: "I'm not using UNIX. You are." * Tech Support: "I'm using Windows." * Me: "No, your SERVERS are UNIX based." * Tech Support: "I don't think I can help you." I had to agree. ======= There's this quite major company called Time Computers over here in England. I bought a system from them, and then five months later I hear a "Pfoo!" noise, and my display went all fuzzy and strange. After some troubleshooting, I opened up the case and discovered that the video card had a little, remarkably Wile E. Coyote-esque soot explosion mark centered around a burnt chip in the middle of it. Here's the conversation I had with tech support about it, with a lot cut out: * Tech Suppport: "What seems to be the problem, sir?" * Me: "Well, my screens all fuzzy, and my video card seems to have exploded." * Tech Support: "Well, right click on the desktop." * Me: "Before you say anything, I've tried the monitor on another computer, and on this computer on Windows 98, 2000, Linux, and BeOS, and it's definitely something wrong with the video card, because the monitor worked on the other computers, and it didn't work in any of the operating systems in this one, and when I tried another video card, it worked." * Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop." * Me: "..." * Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop." * Me: "Well, I'm in Linux right now." * Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop." * Me: "I'm not in Windows." * Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop." * Me: "Do you know what an operating system is?" * Tech Support: "Yes, sir." * Me: "Ok then, because, I'm not in Windows. I'm in Linux, which is another operating system. Right clicking on the desktop won't do anything you think it will, I promise. Do you want me to reboot into Windows?" * Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop please, sir." I sighed, gave up, rebooted into Windows, and right clicked on the desktop. * Me: "Do you want me to click on 'Properties'?" * Tech Support: "No sir, please click on 'Properties'." * Me: "..." After a while, "we" determined that, no, it isn't my resolution, and installing new drivers won't help. After a very long discussion, I learned that to replace my video card, they would "have to" (or so policy dictates) take the entire computer away (monitor and all) for 5-7 business days to replace the faulty video card. I protested this, because the computer was being used in a business. They told me there was "nothing they could do." This seemed bad enough, but then: * Tech Support: "Have you backed up recently?" * Me: "No, why?" * Tech Support: "You should..." * Me: "Sure, ok, I'll remember." * Tech Support: "...because as part of our policy, when servicing a computer, we delete everything on the hard disk." * Me: "What the $%* *%(@ $%? WHY???" * Tech Support: "Company policy." * Me: "But it's a broken video card! Even you admit that!!! It has nothing to do with the hard drive!" * Tech Support: "That's company policy, sir." After about an hour of arguing, we didn't get anywhere. I am living with the video card up to this day, months later, and was not refunded in anyway. Turns out to be rather more tragic than funny, actually. ======= I'm a Linux user, and I prefer keeping Javascript turned off in my browsers. Up until December 1999 or so, I did not need it for using Hotmail, but then that changed. So I sent them an email to ask why: Why is it mandatory to use Javascript now? It was not necessary until recently (a couple months). -F The response I got was this (I swear this is verbatim): Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail. This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled. For further information, contact the Help Support of the browser you are using. We hope that this email has provided you with the assistance you needed. Sincerely, MSN Hotmail Customer Support ...Which confused the heck out of me! It not only doesn't make any sense, but it's not about the question I was asking. So I mailed them again: Thank you very much for this information. > This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript > in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot > browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled. But as you can see, it is insulting and makes no sense. First of all, "You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled" is erroneous. Never mind, I do not have time to flame you. Allow me to clarify my question; I do not think you understood it and would like at least a level three technician please: Since I have used Hotmail, it has used cookies, but when I first used Hotmail I did not have to turn my browser's Javascript on. Now I do. Please tell me why. I do not like having Java and Javascript enabled (in fact I would prefer to use Lynx, a text-based browser under Unix). Thank you. -F Ok, so it was a little harsh, but at least I thought they would answer the right question and/or refer it to Level III. Here's what I got: Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail. MSN Hotmail also requires your Javascript feature to be enabled so that you can access your account more effectively. In order to enable your Javascript settings, kindly go to your Tools menu, Internet Options, Advanced Tab folder. From there, check and enable the Javascript settings in your PC. Please be guided accordingly. Sincerely, MSN Hotmail Customer Support Internet Options? Tools menu? I'm using Netscape! I gave up writing to them. I gave up my Hotmail account. ======= Some years ago I decided to buy a WDC 730MB hard drive. So I went to a central store of our city, Athens, and bought it. Less than a year later the drive slowed down and finally failed to complete booting (this coincided with my attempts to change my controller to a VLB one, so at first I thought I did something wrong). Those days backup machines were still expensive and floppies were rather boring to use regularly, so my last backup was over two months old. So there I am in the central store's service, trying to explain that I wanted my data saved. It seemed to me that the disk surfaces didn't have problem, and, since the data hadn't been erased, it must have been the electronics that prevented the communication, something quite possible, especially if the strange initialization sound is taken into account. * Me: "Can you see if it works on your machine?" * Tech Support: "It doesn't boot. Format it?" * Me: "NOOOO! I want to keep the data!" * Tech Support: "We don't make backups here. I'll just write on it that the data should be saved, but who knows what they'll do." * Me: "Isn't there a safer way?" * Tech Support: "You could take it to the lab yourself." (He meant the import store.) * Me: "Where is that?" * Tech Support: (somewhere an hour away) At the "lab" they told me they would send the drive to Thessaloniki, over five hours away, to see what their co-workers could do. I agreed, and we swapped phone numbers so I could hear some news. After this day, I stopped shaving my face. After a week I called them to hear what was going on. They had no news, so they gave me the phone number of their co-workers. * Me: "What's your conclusion on my drive?" * Tech Support: "It's ok. I just changed the controller." * Me: (thinking he meant a chip on the drive) "Great! How's my data?" * Tech Support: "Data? It's empty!" * Me: "What!?" He had confused me with another customer. A week later I called again. * Tech Support: "We can't fix your drive, nor read your data." * Me: "You mean you don't have the right equipment?" * Tech Support: "Right." * Me: "Isn't there anything we can do?" * Tech Support: "Well, there is a lab at Germany, it costs (an insane amount per megabyte), and it should take more than two months, with unsure results." Thinking about complexity of the situation, my father and I decided to say goodbye to some files and do the lost work again instead of waiting and paying a lot of money. We canceled the whole process and asked for a new hard drive. The central store told us we had to wait until they received the new drive. One of the things I worried about was the size of the new drive. WDC didn't ship any more 730MB disks, so I might have to take an 850MB disk -- at my expense, of course. It was annoying to know they wanted more money even though the original price of the smaller drive was greater than the current price of the bigger drive. One week after the last phone call, I dropped by the central store and asked about my new drive. By that time I already had a beard. * Tech Support: "Let me check. It's in the 'lab'." * Me: "Great! Am I receiving it today?" * Tech Support: "No, I guess not." * Me: "Can I go there and get it?" * Tech Support: "Sure!" * Me: "Oh! And how big is it?" * Tech Support: "Uh, it's a 730MB." At least I wouldn't have to pay extra money. When I arrived at the "lab" I learned, to my frustration that the drive was on the way to the place I just left an hour before. Back at the central store, I was finally able to hold in my hands my long-awaited new drive. Then I noticed a scratch on its surface. Upon closer inspection, it reminded me of a scratch my OLD disk had. NO! IT COULDN'T BE! AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH! I started yelling. * Tech Support: "What's wrong?" * Me: "That's MY drive!" * Tech Support: "Of course!" * Me: "No, I mean my OLD drive!" * Tech Support: "How can it be your old drive when it's sealed?" * Me: "You call this sealed?" * Tech Support: "You didn't open it just now? Does it have anything on you can recognize?" * Me: "It has this scratch." * Tech Support: "Any drive can have such a scratch." * Me: "Just connect it up. It won't work." * Tech Support: (after trying) "You're right, it doesn't work. Format?" Although I had already felt like fainting, that last one sentence was too much. I got so angry, I hit my hand to draw an assistant's attention. I called my father. He came. We yelled together. We talked to the manager. After a couple of days a new 850MB hard drive was delivered to us at home. The story is now over, but I still wonder how the company managed to calculate the difference in price between an accessory in production and another that wasn't. If economy was based on such hypotheses, I would have been rich by now, bought the store, fired the offending technicians (although in the above written conversation they probably seem fine, they were offensively neglecting me), bought WDC, redesigned the drives, etc, etc, etc. About two years ago, I was asked to run a virus scan on one company's network of computers. I did and I found a simple harmless virus on each computer in the network. After I reported that to the company's officials, they gasped (literally), then thanked me, then asked me to leave despite my offers to remove the virus with the anti-virus program. The next day, I found out that they formatted every single hard drive of every computer, backing up only the most important data. ======= * Friend: "You know that antivirus program you installed on my computer for me? It keeps popping up some sort of message about a trojan or something while I'm surfing on the internet. It doesn't seem to be doing anything about it because I keep getting the message, so I uninstalled the antivirus program. And now I don't get that message any more." ======= * Me: "When would you like me to go to our northern region (of Thailand) office to install the antivirus software on the new system?" * Chairman: "Oh, they don't need it because they are not in a big city." * Me: "Do they connect to the internet?" * Chairman: "Yes, all day, but they are safe because it's not a big city." ======= * Customer: "My hard disk has a virus!" * Tech Support: "How can you tell?" * Customer: "When I type 'DIR', it says 'VIRUS ' and some date stuff." ======= * Customer: "Excuse me, there is an empty-folder virus on my disk." ======= A user called to inform us that his laptop had a virus. When we asked why he thought he had a virus, he promptly explained that he must have a virus as his system would no longer fit in the docking station. It was later determined that it had a faulty port on the back of the system. ======= One day at school, I was lending a friend a couple of my CD games. Then a girl came up and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. You might get it back with a virus on it." ======= * Customer: "YOU GAVE ME A VIRUS!" * Tech Support: "I don't think I've got a virus." * Customer: "Go download [a brand of virus checker], and you'll see." Sometime later I dutifully ran the checker. * Tech Support: "Ok, I ran it. No virus." * Customer: "You MUST have a virus. You gave it to me. It was all over my system. You must not have run the checker properly." (yell, rant, rave, repeat checks, etc) * Tech Support: "How did I give it to you?" * Customer: "On those floppies with the latest revision of the software you wrote." * Tech Support: "The ones you just returned?" * Customer: "Yeah." * Tech Support: "Just a sec...let me check those." (pause) "Well, I found a virus on the disks. Ahem...seems you were about to pass a virus on to ME." * Customer: "Ah...lemme get back to you." (click) ======= * Customer: "So, is there a spray I can buy for my computer?" * Tech Support: "Er, I beg your pardon?" * Customer: "You know, a spray -- one that I can spray the inside of my computer with." * Tech Support: "What sort of spray are we talking about here?" I thought perhaps he had seen someone use a can of compressed air to clean out a machine and mistook it for some sort of spray. * Customer: "Well, I was hoping that there would be a spray that would kill all the viruses." * Tech Support: "Aaaah...ummm...you mean like a bug spray? For computer viruses?" * Customer: "Yes! Would that help?" * Tech Support: "I'm really very sorry, but nobody makes anything like that. Computer viruses are just a name we give to malicious software. We use the word 'virus' because it explains how the software behaves." * Customer: "So...no spray then." * Tech Support: "No." ======= This sounds ridiculous, but it actually happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I work as a computer tech in a chain computer store. * Customer: "Hi, I'd like to buy a virus." * Me: "You really don't want a virus on your computer. What you need is anti-virus software." * Customer: "No, my son told me I need a virus, and that's what I'd like." * Me: "No worries. You don't need to buy a virus -- you can just connect to the internet and download one." ======= A mailing list that dispenses computer-related tips and tricks each day once sent out the following dubious virus prevention tip: Virus Information of the Day: Lock your floppies If you're using a diskette only to read information, why not lock it first? Just flip the "switch" up on the top-left corner on the back of the diskette. That way, you can prevent diskette-transferred viruses from being loaded onto your PC. If you need to access a diskette that you'll need to write to, scan it with your antivirus software. ======= A friend of mine came around in a bit of a panic, saying that his dad's machine looked like it had a virus. He asked if I had any anti-virus software I could lend him. I gave him a self-extracting archive of a virus detection program on a floppy disk. Foolishly, this archive was named antvirus.exe. A week later he came back, saying that his dad had looked at the disk and assumed that this was a virus, so he'd formatted the disk. ======= As a hobby, I run old computer viruses on a standalone PC and record the effects, which I then put on YouTube. One user, who decided that I needed some help, offered me the following foolproof advice for removing viruses without expensive antivirus software: * Step 1: Open the registry. * Step 2: Delete anything that looks "strange." ======= A guy came into my office, in a real panic. He kept saying something about how his computer screen was shaking violently, and he thought it had a virus! Going down to the computer, I found that the picture on the screen was indeed shaking a lot, but I also noticed something else...a desk fan was placed right next to the monitor, which was plugged into the same power strip. I switched the fan off, and the picture stopped shaking. I told him to move the fan away from the monitor in future, to avoid that problem. Later on I heard him telling a colleague that his desk fan had a virus, and he had to keep it away from the screen to stop it from infecting his computer. ======= * Customer: "I need you to tell me what browser I am using. Is it Netscape 2.0? The reason I need to know is that I have read that Netscape 2.0 distributes a virus called Java." ======= * Customer: "Yes, this is the land [sic] administrator for floor 27. Can you tell me if we'll be getting the Michaelangelo virus here at the bank?" ======= I overheard two men talking in a restaurant. * First Man: "My laptop is running so slow and crashes all the time. I'm going to take it to the shop to check it for viruses." * Second Man: "I don't worry about viruses. Not many people know that viruses work in the back of the memory, and Windows is in the front of the memory. So it's something else." Hmm. I didn't know that either. ======= One day a girl at school told me that her father's laptop had a virus. * Me: "Well, did anyone put a disk in that might have had a virus on it?" * Her: "No, all our disks are clean. But is it possible to get a virus because I plugged it into a different plug than at our house?" ======= One day a customer brought his computer in, complaining about a problem. * Customer: "My computer has been acting strange. I'm afraid it might be a virus." * Tech Support: "Have you been downloading a lot of software?" * Customer: "Mostly I just download pictures. I think I may have got it from there." * Tech Support: "Not likely. Where are you downloading pictures from?" * Customer: "Different channels. Mostly from my favorite show on NBC." Puzzled, I looked at the back of his computer and discovered he had a video capture card. * Tech Support: "You mean from your TV?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Probably not the source of any virus." I checked his computer out, fixed his problem, and he left. Needless to say the other techs and I had a good laugh about that new NBC virus that was being broadcast to people with video capture cards. ======= Back in the early 90s the programming staff in our office were still using dumb terminals to do mainframe programming. The department installed a dedicated PC to share files over a modem with other departments off site. People in the office began to use the machine for 'unofficial' purposes such as playing games after hours. Management saw this and, afraid of someone introducing a virus, installed password protection software on the machine (which also prevented the machine from being booted from a floppy disk to bypass the security). Shortly afterwards the machine began performing erratically and occasionally lost files. Our technical support group examined the machine and found a virus. Puzzled as to how a virus could have been introduced into a protected machine, they examined the various pieces of software in the office. It was found that the virus had come from the disk that had been used to install the password protection software onto the machine (in an attempt to protect the machine from viruses). Unfortunately, the anti-virus software they had on hand needed to be loaded from a bootable floppy disk to prevent infection of the diskette. However, as previously mentioned, the security software had disabled the boot function of the floppy disk drive. They finally ended up reformatting the entire drive to get rid of the virus. ======= While working on the helpdesk of a local community college, I came across a message on one of our tech support forums. The author of this message was convinced that there was a virus in his BIOS, and he later started accusing us of sending him it. He was convinced that our computers were sending the virus straight to his hard drive through the "modem subcarrier" (his words) between keystrokes while he was dialed in to his shell account. ======= Before the days when email viruses actually became possible, the computer security people at one large organization warned everyone of the dreaded "RedTeam" email virus, including a printout of the dire warning they had been sent concerning it. All attempts to let them know that (1) viruses couldn't be sent by email (outside of an attachment, anyway), and (2) the innoculation software provided for it is allegedly a very real virus, were merrily ignored. ======= Before the days when email viruses actually became possible, I checked my email one morning when getting into work and read a message from our Human Resources department warning us about the latest dreaded email virus. After laughing myself silly, I decided to reply, just to have some fun with them. I asked them for more information on the "virus" so I could protect my system. They told me what to look for by forwarding me a copy of the email message that was supposedly a virus. ======= When the infamous "ILOVEYOU" email virus hit, I saw TV news coverage that included an interview with some bubblebrained company secretary. At one point she said, "Oh, I saw we had dozens of these emails coming in, and of course I was suspicious, but I had to open just one of them because, you know, 'I Love You!' *giggle* I had to just see what it was about, you know?" ======= My mother overheard a conversation I was having about email viruses. She said that people at work were telling everybody not to open any email messages with a certain subject line, because those were viruses. As the conversation progressed, she started complaining about how it was a frustrating day, because her computer didn't work except in the morning. * Me: "Did you get the email I sent you?" * My Mother: "Yes, I got two emails. Yours, and the one with the virus." * Me: "Did you read it?" * My Mother: "Yes, both." * Me: "Why did you open the email with the virus??" * My Mother: "I just wanted to see what happens. Everyone is talking about these viruses nowadays." ======= * Customer: "Sorry to bother you again, but I think my son threw a stone in my PC. It tells me, 'Your PC is Stoned!'" (The common "stoned" virus displays this message on infected computers.) ======= I work for a large university in New England where we have a number of public computer labs that we must maintain. Every summer we do a number of upgrades to keep the machines somewhat current. Last summer, we added a number of zip drives to the forty or so Macs and PCs we had in a couple of our labs. Shortly after the installation was complete, we realized the problem we had just opened up for ourselves -- many users had never seen a zip drive before, and, of course, floppies fit quite well in that opening. Literally within hours, we had our first test case. Apparently the user's diskette had gotten caught on the loading arm unit within the drive and was hopelessly stuck. By the time the call got to my level in the chain of command, two of our student techs had already been forced not only to dismantle the machine but also the zip drive to extract the ornery media. As I walked in, one of our rather computer savvy student techs was handing the disk (without the metal slider -- it had been wrenched from the disk in the removal process) back to the user. He suggested to the user that he make a second copy of his disk. I agreed, assuming his logic was to salvage what data the user had on the disk. But our student tech said, matter-of-factly, "...because there's no metal protector anymore, your disk is more susceptible to viruses." I almost died. He honestly thought they were airborne. ======= Once in school I was bringing some document on a diskette to our principal. She was on the phone. While waiting I began playing with the sliding metal shutter on the diskette. She looked at me sternly and told me to stop it or viruses would get in. ======= Once, in the computer cluster, a student asked me to move my disks because they were close to her own, and she didn't want them to catch a virus. ======= I received a call from the PA to the Finance Director, (the owner of 28% of our tech support calls for that year). She reported that one of her floppy disks had caused our virus checker to flash a very alarming message. I asked her to put the disk to one side until I arrived. When I made it to her office, I was directed to a corner desk where a disk box had been set up with a yellow post-it note reading "Quarantine." She explained she had put the disk in this separate disk box so it wouldn't infect the other floppies. ======= A customer came in to the store one day with a Macintosh. I had just replaced a bad drive in the thing a few days previously. She complained that it wasn't working again, implying that I didn't fix it right the first time. So, I get out the diagnotic tools, but can't find a thing wrong with it. I then checked some of the diskettes she brought in with it and find that they are loaded with viruses. After cleaning up the diskettes, I explained to her that her computer probably got the virus by trading diskettes with someone whose computer was also infected. She then got a very sullen expression on her face and asked me, "Can a person catch this virus from their computer?" ======= A teenage lad and his mother called in to our shop and approached me. The mother announced her son needed a virus killer for his computer. The Atari ST had been out a year or two, and Amiga computers were rapidly gaining popularity at the time, and both machines had viruses being passed around on floppy disks. So we asked the son which of those computers he had. He muttered to his mother again, and she announced her son had an Amstrad 464 -- which only had a built-in cassette deck and no floppy drive whatsoever. After we explained that it was the more modern computers which had floppy disk drives that got viruses, the mother calmly stated that the virus had been on his friend's new ST computer and that her son and his friend had played a few games on it. The virus had passed from the friend's computer directly to her son, and thence, later that evening, from her son to his aforementioned Amstrad 464! Boggling, but still polite, we patiently explained that although computer viruses existed, they could not be "caught" by human beings and passed on to other computers by physical contact. The word "virus" was, we told her, slang that referred to hostile code that replicated itself when a disk was inserted into a computer, not an actual biological virus. Her son's computer probably had just gone faulty and needed a repair. Smiling smugly, and after informing us her son knew about computers (and that we didn't), they left the store to search for more computer-savvy tech support. ======= The computer service tech where I work told me he got a call from a secretary complaining that the floppy drive in her computer wouldn't work. He went down to check it out and found that she was putting the discs in with the plastic dust sleeves still on them. He asked her why on earth she was doing that and she said, "Well, I didn't want my computer to get a virus." ======= Once a customer asked me if there could be virus attached to a printed file that would infect his computer if he scanned it back in. ======= I work for the internal tech support of a company. One day I received an amusing call. * Customer: "I found a bug in my computer." * Tech Support: "How do you know it's really a bug?" * Customer: "I can see it." * Tech Support: "You can physically see a bug in your computer?" * Customer: "Yes." This was definitely worth a trip to his office. When I got there, I saw an anti-virus warning, which included a graphic of a hand holding a bug. I explained that the anti-virus software had discovered a virus on his system. * Customer: "Well, can you give me another computer so I can let this one rest and recover for a couple of days?" I cleaned the virus off his system and told him his computer was feeling better now. ======= I received a call from a woman. She had been told in a previous call that her computer was infected by a trojan virus and wanted to know where to begin disinfecting the computer. I asked her what software she was using, but she sounded a little confused. After a few minutes, I learned that she had dismantled her computer and was preparing to wipe everything down with Lysol, a disinfecting cleaner. It took me another minute to compose myself and try to tell her to stop before she ruined her computer. I don't know if she did, as I never heard from her again -- and it took me ten minutes to stop laughing. ======= I walked into the English department's computer lab one day and saw two English teachers staring blankly at a computer screen that contained the message, "Non-system disk error; Remove and press any key." One of them confidently said, "It's got to be a virus -- those damn kids are always putting those things on our network." ======= A friend of mine once found a boot sector virus in one of his computers and had tried to repair it by changing the motherboard. He was getting frustrated because the virus kept reappearing. ======= Several years ago my job at the time was to support testing of a group of custom microelectronics products. This involved working with several of the customer's programmers, one of whom obviously knew everything (just ask him) and was a gift to the programming world (ask him again). Naturally, he wasn't very popular. One day while this fellow was at lunch another programmer modified the prompt command in his AUTOEXEC.BAT file. (This was during the DOS days.) The modification changed the default setting to one that showed a Bart Simpson face, complete with flashing eyes. The "gift to programming" returned from lunch. After a few minutes of quiet mutterings, he jumped up and ran around warning everyone at the top of his lungs that there was a virus in the system. ======= I worked for a health insurer that was making the big move from PCs to networked PCs. They hired a network administrator whose mindset was security above all -- he was somewhere far to the right of General Patton. One facet of the conversion was the changeover from Okidata dot matrix printers to HP Laserjets. We were using DisplayWrite, which stores the printer information with the document file. Inevitably, a nurse tried to print an Okidata-formatted document on a Laserjet, producing pages of gibberish. Panicking, she called the network administrator. He took one look at what was printing, bellowed "We've got a virus!" and, before anyone could figure out what was happening, had reformatted her hard drive. ======= It's a sad commentary on the state of my college's computer science program when the most qualified instructor doesn't know much about what he's attempting to teach. While the coding methods he taught were correct, other things (such as commenting) were not. His preferred method of commenting code was verbose and wound up confusing even the writer if the program was longer than 10 lines. He insisted, for example, on a minimum of three lines of comments per single line of code. Our textbook had numerous glaring errors, many of which I could demonstrate irrefutably, but he insisted that the text was the final arbiter on exam questions, so my correct answers were viewed as wrong and since "the textbook authors must know what they're talking about!" Our IT department, in their infinite wisdom, decided one day to lock everyone out of a certain program through the GUI; they neglected to lock the DOS prompt, so if one knew how to access it thorugh the command line, it could still be used. I tried doing that, and he saw me and accused me of "hacking the network." But the most ridiculous story was when I was playing around with a Knoppix CD during a break. Knoppix is a Linux distribution designed to be booted directly from a CD rather than installed on a hard drive. It allows you to use Linux without disrupting the operating system that's been installed on the machine. My instructor saw me and said, "What are you doing? That's not Windows! That's a VIRUS, isn't it? I'm going to report you for malicious use of school computers!" My advisor, who is a Linux proponent and also the sysadmin at the time, apparently laughed him out of his office when he went to complain. ======= I was in the local Circuit City store, when I saw a demo Sony Playstation game unit, and I went over to try it out. The controller would not work -- it had apparently been disconnected to the game unit. I told this to a passing salesman, and he said, "Oh no sir, it doesn't work because the controller has a virus." I asked him how he thought the controller contracted the virus. He said it was because the display used to be near the computer section of the store, and they had moved it away from the computers "to see if it would get better." ======= * Friend: "Hey, did you get the 'I Love You' virus?" * Me: "No." * Friend: "Could you write a virus?" * Me: "If I wanted to." * Friend: "Did you see on the news, where they showed all those letters and symbols?" (presumably referring to a brief shot of the virus's code, which was apparently featured on the news the night before) * Me: "No." * Friend: "I could do that. They didn't mean anything did they?" One time, I caught my Mom working at the computer, printing out information for my brother's report. She was reading an article at Wikipedia, and she didn't know that if you edit Wikipedia, it stays there for the entire world to look at. So she was editing most of the links, pictures, and headings out -- and even put a little more at the top: "Here is the info, sweetie, good luck!" She almost pressed 'Save' when I went over and asked her what she was doing. She said, "I'm editing out the things [my brother] doesn't need." I explained about Wikipedia to her, and we were both cracking up for the next hour. ======= I used to do tech support for a company that made computer accessories and video game accessories. We had a pay-for-access web site for one of our products. The site was full of special codes and cheats. One day, a customer called, asking how to access the site. * Tech Support: "Well, just go to [URL]." * Customer: "How do I do that?" * Tech Support: "Type it in in your web browser." * Customer: "Huh?" * Tech Support: "Ok...sir...do you have Internet access?" * Customer: "Huh? No. No Internet. I don't even have a computer." * Tech Support: "Ok, sir, you need a computer and an Internet account to access web sites." * Customer: "Oh. Well, it didn't say that when I mailed in the membership card. I want my money back." ======= Back in 2001 our public library had a bunch of Internet terminals running Windows 98 with Internet Explorer. I sat down at one and logged on to check my email. Behind me, I heard a computer reboot. A few minutes I heard it reboot again. So I turned around and watched the man at the terminal behind me. Here was his routine: * Login to his library account. * Open Internet Explorer. * Go to a web site. * Click on a link, which took him to another page. * Read the page. * Reboot. * Wait. * Login to his library account. * Open Internet Explorer. * Go to the same web site he was just on. * Click on a different link on that page. I told him about the 'back' button. ======= This conversation took place through email. * Customer: "I need something off the web, and I don't have any way to use a browser!" * Tech Support: "There's a browser called 'lynx' that you can use from a shell." (gives a brief description of how to use it) * Customer: "What's lynx? I need a browser!" * Tech Support: (again mentions lynx and says how to use it) * Customer: "I need a browser. If you can't help me, get someone else to answer my emails." ======= Overheard in a computer lab: * Boy #1: "The domain doesn't have a www. What does that mean?" * Boy #2: "It means it's not on the world wide web." ======= * Student: "I'm not on a web site. I'm on www.ask.com." ======= I was browsing the Internet when my friend came over and said he made a website. He told me to go a particular URL. When I went there, though, the browser said it was invalid. So I went to Google to search for it, and when I got to Google, he said, "Oh yeah, that's my web site." ======= From the guestbook at lissaexplains.com: "How do i start a website? Do i have to download it? Will i get a virus?!" ======= I was just on one of my favorite message boards, and some guy decided he'd link us to a few things. This is what he posted for links: file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/benny/Shared/Music/Bemanistyle%20Simfiles/HALF%20AN%20HOUR%20OF%20HELL.zip file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/benny/Shared/Music/Bemanistyle%20Simfiles/HHOH ======= I used to work at the IT Support Desk for a university. A librarian at one of our libraries was surfing the web one day and came across a site that said it was best viewed using the Internet Explorer browser. So she called me and said she needed a "browser" to view this site, and could we install a browser onto her system? I told her that if she was viewing the site already, she was already using a browser, but, unsatisfied with that answer, she went over my head to the Directory of Libraries and said that we were being uncooperative about providing her with a browser. ======= While working at the university computer lab one evening, a student came over to ask me why her computer was running so slowly. She said that she was just surfing the Internet. I went over and examined her screen and noticed that she had approximately 230 separate browser windows open in Internet Explorer. She thought that she could only use each one once. ======= On a recent commercial airing on U.S. televisions, 10-10-220 advertises a low-cost, long-distance choice without commitment. This one features Emmitt Smith and Elmarie Wendel in the first class section of an airplane. At the end, ways to find more information on 10-10-220 includes their website, which they promote as simply: www.10-10-220. I wonder how many people try to reach this and find it's not accessible? ======= * Customer: "What do you mean I have to dial into the Internet every time I want to go to your web site? I thought I only had to do that the first time I used this software!" ======= A customer, to his ISP: * Customer: "I found this [web] page on [another service] but the name you need to get there is too long. Shorten it." ======= * Customer: "I am getting a 'Page Cannot Be Displayed' message." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's try our home page." * Customer: "That worked." * Tech Support: "Ok, let's try another page like www.cnn.com." * Customer: "That worked too." * Tech Support: "I don't see any problems then." * Customer: "Well I tried that page I was trying, and it did it again." * Tech Support: "What's the site's address?" * Customer: "(address).com." * Tech Support: "Hmmm. It looks like the site is down." * Customer: "Yeah, I know it is. Can you fix it now, please?" * Tech Support: "It's not one of our sites, so we can't fix it." * Customer: "What do you mean you can't fix it? You are my Internet provider. You should be able to fix it." * Tech Support: "No, we cannot. We do not own that site." * Customer: "Let me speak to your supervisor. You're just stupid and trying to brush me off." ======= We have a minor help site for the easiest to answer questions, and we're always telling customers to go look at that first before phoning us. Anyway, my colleague was on the phone, and I overheard this conversation: * Tech Support: "Yeah, just go to our website it's at www.[our company].com...yeah, three w's, then a dot, then [our company], then a dot then 'com'...yeah, that's right. . . . What do you mean, how do you spell 'dot'?" ======= * Customer: "Whenever I try to go to your sports site, I end up at this other page. I even typed the correct address in the bar to make sure that I got there." * Tech Support: "What browser are you using? We need to check to see if your browser is new enough to view our sites." * Customer: "Well...I must be using the newest browser. I'm using Yahoo. I think they'd update their browser! Hold on. Let me check Alta Vista really quick." ======= This happened to me when I was in high school. I was in the computer lab, and I overheard the lab moniter telling someone that if you bookmarked a page before it had finished loading you'd only get the partially loaded page every time you visited it from your bookmarks. ======= On day my English teacher was trying to teach the class how to do research on the Internet. * Teacher: "What browser do you use to get on the Internet?" * Student: "Internet Explorer." * Teacher: "No, no...the browser that you use to get around the Internet. Which do you use?" * Student: "Microsoft Internet Explorer." * Teacher: "You connect with Internet Explorer, but what is your browser? You know, Yahoo, Webcrawler...?" And for the rest of the semester he insisted that a search engine was the same thing as a browser. And every time he said it, I dug my fingers in the desk to keep from screaming at him. ======= In my job on the helpdesk of an ISP I get a lot of callers who are ignorant and proud of it. I think they have decided that since they weren't born with computer knowledge, it's too late to learn anything now. Yesterday's customer was having problems with his email. I have given up asking, "What is your email client?" because I just get questioning grunts. * Tech Support: "What icon do you click on when you want to read your email?" * Customer: "No. I just use inbox." Through a leap of sheer intuition, I decided he was using the mail program on his browser. Now I needed to know which browser. * Tech Support: "What do you see on the page?" * Customer: "Well, your company's web page is on here." * Tech Support: "What's in the top right hand corner of your screen?" * Customer: "An X." * Tech Support: "What's under the X?" * Customer: "An N." * Tech Support: "Ok, so you're using Netscape mail." * Customer: "No, Alta Vista. I go to your home page, then I click on the links page, and then I click on Alta Vista. Then I go down to the inbox. It's right next to the wheel thingy on the bottom." I searched the site. I can't find any wheel thingy. I got him to describe exactly where this wheel is. Yes, it was on the bar on the bottom border of Netscape. He was using Netscape mail. I did tell him he didn't have to go to Alta Vista to use Netscape mail. The frightening thing was that he had been using the Internet for years. ======= I'm a librarian/network administrator for a large community college. We have 36 workstations in our library, ostensibly for research purposes, and we use Internet filtering software, due to some students viewing pornography in the library. Part of my job is to check Internet histories for attempted accesses to sites of this kind. One recent night I was doing this and discovered that a student had typed in -- THIRTEEN TIMES -- "www i want to buy a cd dot com." ======= I work for a small ISP. One day I received a phone call from a very angry customer who switched to us from another provider. He had problems installing our software. It took a long time to walk him through fixing the problems, because he had no computer skills (even though he was a programmer for the last 30 years) and rarely did what I asked him to. I thought I actually made him happy until he asked me to change his Yahoo username and password. He assumed that since we provide access to the web page that we must control it as well. To this day I still hear that he calls in from time to time to yell at other techs because they won't change his Yahoo username and password. ======= * Customer: "I can't get to the page. The address is: http://[site]/~user/~home.htm. ======= Sent to our tech support email address: PLEASE GIVE ME HELP ON HOW TO DELETE HTTP://MULTIMEDIA.COM ======= There was an URL floating around a while ago that pointed to a site that had a card trick on it. I sent the URL to my mom. The web page asked you to choose a card out of a set of cards and then to click on a link. That link took you to a page with a new set of cards. The page stated that the card you picked was now missing from the set, because the site had read your mind and knew which card to remove. The way the trick worked was that none of the cards in the first set were in the second set -- the second set contained similar cards to the first set, but none of the same ones. Many people first think that the web page somehow determined what card they had chosen even though they had done nothing on the computer to indicate any particular card. A while after sending the link to my mom, I sent her an explanation for how the trick worked. She sent back email saying that she and her husband were rolling on the floor with laughter because they had spent the last half hour trying to fool the computer using various methods. One of them was this: her husband would go into another room in the house. Then my mom would call him on his cell phone using hers and tell him all the cards. Then he'd tell her that he'd chosen one -- but not tell her which one -- and then she would click on the link. They were frustrated and befuddled that the computer still "knew" which card to remove even though they had gone to great lengths to separate the person that chose the card from the computer. ======= Emailed to the owner of a web page: I got here by some nefarious route. I was trying to get to [an email address] or other similar sites. I distinctly dislike being hijacked in cyberspace to see something I did not ask to see. If this happens again I will make a formal complaint to my local federal district attorney. Thank you. Do not do this again. ======= A customer emailed the following to his ISP: hello, I have just published my first web page. What is my address? Never mind, found it, thank you." ======= A standard format for web sites containing images is to have a front page full of thumbnail images, and you click on the thumbnail image to get to the corresponding full-sized image. The reason you do this, of course, is to reduce the loading time and required bandwidth for the front page. Some people don't understand this. I've seen a few thumbnail pages where the thumbnail images have the same file sizes as the large versions -- they just appear smaller on the page. ======= Two students, who had spent the better part of their class hour bragging about their computer skills, were becoming increasingly frustrated while browsing the Internet. They were trying to access a site that didn't exist, but they were absolutely convinced the trouble was something else. * Student #1: "The damn keyboard locked up again!!!" Actually, a page was loading. * Student #2: "Here, you have to pull the wires out." (yanks network wires out of the back) "When that happens, just pull those wires out and shove 'em back in. Does it work now?" * Student #1: "No, it says, 'Reading File...Done.'" * Student #2: "Oh, ok...that means your keyboard server is down. There's nothing you can do about it." ======= I taught web design one summer to a group of underprivileged teenagers. At the end of the informal course, the "course assessor" (a senior academic who was formally in charge of the course but knew nothing about computers) came to see the students' webpages. Upon looking at the first student's monitor screen, she exclaimed, "Oh, that's beautiful!" The student looked perplexed. I walked around to look at the student's screen, and saw...the Windows 95 desktop. The student hadn't yet displayed her webpage. The academic was praising the beauty of the desktop. ======= I'm a high school senior. One day, we were partnered with another class to do an Internet project. Web site design is a hobby of mine, so I happily displayed one of my pages to my partner in Internet Explorer. My partner, in a vain attempt to scare me or tease me or something, highlighted all the text on the web page and threatened to delete it. ======= Being one of the people that interviews many prospective candidates for our computer consulting company, I came across many individuals who shouldn't have made it past the first screening process. One was a college student for an entry-level position in web development, and I was simply trying to ease him into demonstrating his technical knowledge. * Me: "So tell me one of the ways in which you would try to get images to load faster in web pages?" * Him: "I'd do it in Java." ======= * Student: "I can't find the place to type in the URT." * Teacher: "The what?" * Student: "You know the URT -- the thing that starts with 'www'?" * Teacher: "Oh, URL." * Student: "Whatever. Where do I type it?" * Teacher: "On the blank line at the top." * Student: "Where?" * Teacher: "At the top!" * Student: "I see no line." * Teacher: "Is Netscape open?" * Student: "Does it have to be?" ======= Our school requires all students to take a computer class. My class has to have some of the stupidest people I've ever met. * Teacher: "Does anyone know what HTML means?" * Student: "That means something?!" * Me: "Hypertext Markup Language." * Teacher: "Correct, have any of you ever used HTML?" I'm the only one who raises a hand. * Teacher: "Great! We'll be doing some simple HTML by the end of the year." * Me: (bangs head on desk) * Student: "How do you use HTML? Is it like typing?" ======= One evening while walking through the school hallways, a friend was attempting to impress me with this knowledge of computers. * Him: "I can use HTML coding to do my homework for me. That way I don't have to waste time on it." ======= I work as the graphic/computer designer at a printshop. A while back, I got a phone call from someone who works for a major ISP who asked to have an image scanned. He said he wanted me to scan in the image to a one meg JPEG file so he could email it to people and use it on web pages. He didn't give me any dimensions, just the file size. I explained that this was rather large for use online and that even if he had a fast modem or a direct line, others might not. * Customer: "Oh, well I want it this way because, even though the Internet won't allow you to send files that large, the ISP I work for can." ======= From a post to a mailing list: I am trying to learn HTML, so for every web site I visit I try to view the WYSIWYG. ======= I recently visited the site of a company which shall remain unnamed and was frustrated by the extremely slow screen refresh as I scrolled through the page. I investigated and discovered that instead of declaring a plain green background color for the page, they had created a one pixel GIF image which was 'tiled' as a background. ======= I run a web hosting service. This was sent via email from one of our customers: um,u said that if i delete some stuff from my page i'll get more space what do u mean by delete?do u mean by deleting the file or just taking a picture out of my page?i took saome pictures out of my page but it still said that i already used all my space ======= A friend of mine just bought a new computer and asked me to show him how to download programs off the web. The poor guy is completely clueless with anything computer related. I showed him a couple of the more popular sites and started a download. While waiting, I made the comment about how slow telephone access can be. He sat there staring at the paper sheet icon move between the world and folder icons for a few moments, and then said: "Well if you move the folder closer to the Earth, then the program won't have so far to travel, and it'll download faster." I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. ======= One evening around midnight, I decided to book a flight for the weekend using NorthWest Airlines Cybersaver deals. On their site, they provide a link to National Car Rental. The URL was http://www.nationalcar.com/cgi-bin/cyber1_res.pl. Upon completing the form for a car reservation, I received a message saying, "Your request has been sent." I never received a confirmation. After trying three more times, I called tech support. * Me: "I tried reserving a car on your web site, but I do not get a response." * Tech Support: "Let me get your reservation number, and I can look it up." * Me: "I didn't get one." * Tech Support: "Well, let's go to the web site and check it out. Go to www.nationalcar.com." * Me: "Actually, I'm on a promotional part of your web site for NorthWest Airlines." * Tech Support: "That's not our web site. Our web site is at www.nationalcar.com." * Me: "That's where I am at." * Tech Support: "No, it is not." * Me: "Yes, I am at www.nationalcar.com/cgi-bi--" * Tech Support: "Sir, anything after the slash is not our web site. You are on someone else's web site." * Me: "Uh...no, that is your URL. The link points to your servers. The system is on your server." * Tech Support: "No sir, it is not. You are on someone else's server." I hung up. Upon arriving at the airport, I found I had three cars in my name. Apparently the system simply sends an email to the regional office, then they manually reserve a car. Some system, eh? ======= I worked one summer at a Radio Shack that also owned its own ISP. My job dealt with the ISP billing, but since my bosses and coworkers knew I was proficient with computers, I would also be referred to tech support calls. One gentleman called in because he was clicking and nothing was happening. He was trying to set up Microsoft Outlook to check his email account that he received as an ISP customer, and he was, with good intent, following the instructions we provided on our web site. I asked him what his screen looked like, and it seemed he was in the right place, but I still walked him through the steps again, all the time hearing him say, "I've done that. I'm clicking, and nothing's happening." As a last resort, I decided to ask the customer if he had actually run the program. He responded by saying, "Well, I just thought this thing ran it for me." I realized, to my great amusement, that he had been looking at our instructional web page the whole time and mistaking our screenshot of an Outlook screen for the actual program. I explained what was wrong, and all he had to say was, "You need to rewrite these instructions. They're very misleading." ======= At work, an email was sent to me once requesting that I fill out an evaluation form on the web. However, if I were unable to access the site -- well, take a look: For those evaluators who are unable to access [the site] while completing evaluations, a CD ROM or disk-based version of the application may be requested through an order form on [the site]. ======= A webmaster set up a publicly visible page with links on it that, when clicked, would execute some kind of CGI program that deletes files. Then, when search engines started trying to index those links, he complained bitterly that people were "hacking in and deleting files" and threatened to sue one search engine author. Read Jim Mischel's account of this bizarre episode. ======= At the end of the year, last year, all the eighth graders at my school had to go to the computer lab to do two things: fill out an anonymous survey detailing all the things we could do with computers (to tell the school how much they had taught us) and to register for high school online. Both were done through a web browser. Well, I got finished pretty early, but the kid sitting next to me was going a little bit slower. I was watching him, and soon he got to the screen which said that all of his information had been sent and he was done. The teachers had told us that once we finished we should exit out of the browser window and get off the Internet and then shut down the computer, but the kid went to another web site instead. The head computer teacher had been watching, and she freaked out. She started yelling about how all of the information he submitted would be erased, that he could have broken something, and that he was in deep trouble. The assistant computer teacher came over, as did my social studies teacher, and they were all of the mind that because the kid surfed to some other web site, all the information he submitted would be sent back or something. I would have told them it was all fine, but I was laughing too hard. I don't think I could have gotten the words out. ======= Wanting to use the bash UNIX shell on a computer that's being set up, I did a Google search and came to a site that had several compressed tarball files (roughly the UNIX equivalent of a ZIP archive for PCs) archived there. The site had a message unlike anything I've ever seen before: Selecting any .tar.gz file will send you a listing of that file. From the listing, you can selectively download individual files from within that archive. Thinking a message that moronic had to be a mistake, I clicked on bash-2.04.tar.gz and saw that I was wrong. The index listed a whopping nineteen screenfuls of individual files, one per line -- with hundreds of individual downloads necessary to download the complete archive. You had to go to the first file, click the filename, pull down the file menu, select "Save frame as...," click OK, and hit the browser's back button. For a couple hundred separate files. The entire archive would have taken me about 25 unattended seconds to download. Downloading each file individually, well, I downloaded six of the couple hundred files in three minutes and gave up. I looked around for the webmaster, saw an education/work history that suggested a competent computer person, and wrote a careful note saying, "You have a massive bug on your site," and then explained (but not in detail) why hundreds of individual downloads are a user's nightmare. I used analogies; I pointed out that he wouldn't like to have to check out hundreds of pages separately if he wanted to borrow a novel from the library. To no avail. He said: It's intentional. My link can't handle those kinds of downloads, but my site is the only one where you can look inside the tarballs without spending hours downloading them. It's a special service. A former co-worker was called to solve a problem. The problem was that a customer called saying that his 23-inch workstation monitor screen was cracked. The customer was a mining company in the Andes mountains. (We live in Chile, South America.) Upon checking the manuals, they found the monitor's maximum operating altitude above sea level was lower than where the mine was. My friend's superviser was worried that the monitor might blow up in someone's face and create a major incident. They sent him right away with a replacement. When he arrived, they took him to where the workstation was. He took a long look at it, then licked his fingers and wiped the screen. The monitor hadn't been cracked. It was just dirty. ======= While working for a software company in England, I was sent overseas to re-establish relations between the overseas office of a client and the local maintenance company, following the non-payment of a disputed bill. When I got on site and brought representatives from both parties around the table, I was told the following tale: The client had phoned up the maintenance company one morning and complained that one of the printers didn't work. The maintenance people went through a checklist of questions, finding out that the power cord was plugged in to the back of the computer but there were no lights on and no apparent way to get the printer online. So the maintenance company agreed to make a special trip to investigate. When they arrived, they found that the other end of the power cord was not plugged in to the wall. The maintenance company had decided this was outside their standard maintenance contract and had invoiced the client extra, stating that the client should have known to plug the printer into the wall! The client had then refused to pay the special invoice, stating that the maintenance company should have covered plugging the printer in the wall in their checklist. So the maintenance company then refused to provide their standard service until the client paid up. Finally, when I had fully heard the tale of woe, I asked how much the disputed bill was for. They said it was for the equivalent of $100. I suggested that both parties chalk it up to a learning experience and split the difference, with the client paying $50 and the maintenance company eating the other $50. Both parties readily agreed. My round-trip air fare, hotel bill, and per diem cost the client's English parent company several thousand dollars. ======= We do a lot of business in Central and South America, which generally requires that we have a translator on the phone. Usually, it's our sales rep, who should know better, but that's beside the point. One particular day I was at my wit's end. The simple function of creating a user account for these people had already taken an hour and a half, and they just weren't getting it. They'd speak in rapid-fire Spanish for a while, the sales rep would translate for me, I'd make a response, and it would begin all over again. Occasionally, I'd hear the client make comments in English, so I know he could at least halfway understand me. I'd also explained time and again that this was explained in the manuals, which an outside company had translated into Spanish specifically for this client. I was told that they'd much rather be on the phone with us while they tried this. Finally, it got to the point where even the non-technical sales rep was tearing out her hair. I was just about to go get my manager, seeing as how I'd now been on the phone for nearly an hour and a half, when the customer suddenly piped up, in English, "Huh, you know -- I think that we will try reading the manuals, and then call you back if we have any problems!" Thank goodness for the mute button on the phone. ======= The Computer Museum in Boston is a very cool place and should not be judged by this anecdote. In 1995, I was there with my father. In a place with the first virtual reality machine ever built, Danny Hillis' Tinkertoy computer, and other lovely objects, their star attraction is a giant plywood model of a computer that you can walk around in. In fact, you can go on a tour of it, led by a young gentleman who explains how computers work as you went. The tour guide failed to make a stellar impression early in the tour (Did YOU know they're called microchips because they're really, really small?), but we hung on bravely. That is, until he got to explaining what a floppy is. He pulled a 3 1/2" disk out of his pocket and said: * Tour Guide: "A lot of people don't know why they call it a floppy because, you see here--" (shakes disk) "--it's not floppy. But you see that's just the outside." (pries case apart, removes interior, shakes it) "Inside, you see, it's floppy. That's why they call it that. You need floppies because sometimes the computer can have what's called a fall-down. I dunno why they call it a fall-down, but that's why you need the floppies or else you lose the stuff in the computer." It was at this point that my father leaned over to me and said, "I really don't think I can take any more of this tour." I agreed, and we snuck off to explore on our own, but in retrospect I almost wish we'd stayed. I mean, suppose he finished by showing us the giant plywood cup holder! ======= This story was told by people from Motorola and is supposedly included in every microcontroller training course Motorola gives. Test flights of F-16's were being conducted in Israel. The F-16's were doing low height rounds. On approach to the Dead Sea, the whole navigation system suddenly reset itself. The daring pilot landed the bird. HQ called up Motorola and ordered a team on the spot ASAP. The ground tests went perfectly, but every time the bird went airborn, it rebooted. The pilots were getting restless. Flying on the border of hostile territory without navcom, with the Arabs pointing their earth-to-air missiles at anything that moves, wasn't that pleasant. Neither was debugging the whole navcom in-flight. Then someone figured it out. The height of the Dead Sea relative to world sea level is -400 meters. As soon as the F-16 reached sea level, the navcom did a divide by zero, crashed, and rebooted. ======= What follows is an urban legend. It is not true. It contains several historical and cultural inaccuracies. It does, however, make a compelling case for its moral. SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to keep tabs on customer satisfaction. By wild "luck," they managed to catch the following conversation on tape. Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official...from the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English and fairly calmly described the problem. It seemed there was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However, the national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door to the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to the lock, and they had already been killed. So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is this. The combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh, but the file has been encrypted with the SuperMac product called Sentinel. Was there any chance, he asked, that there was a "back door" to the application, so they could get the combination, open the armoury door, and defend the Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad against the insurgents? All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of gunfire in the background. The Technical Support guy put the person on hold. A phone call to the phone company verified that the origin of the call was in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this mad scramble to see if anybody knew of any "back doors" in the Sentinel program. As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was no known back door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside from trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that they'd be better off trying to physically destroy the lock. The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up. That night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the government forces. Ok, so they shouldn't have kept the combination in so precarious a fashion. But it does place "I can't see my Microsoft Mail server" complaints in a different sort of perspective, does it not? The other day I passed by a cashier at a department store whose telephone, for some reason, wasn't working. He was trying to convince a customer that the problem wasn't caused by "the Year 2000 virus that's going to ruin all our computers." ======= The media has blown the Y2K problem way too far out of proportion. A few days ago (February 1999), I took my car to the car wash. This is a manual car wash -- I stand in a glassed area while the workers clean the car. The car behind me belonged to an old man who joined me in the glassed area and struck up and conversation. * Him: "This car's yours son?" * Me: "Yeah." * Him: "It's got one of them electronic ignitions, right?" * Me: "Yup." * Him: "Think it's gonna start next year?" * Me: "Of course, why wouldn't it?" * Him: "Well they say that all computers and stuff are gonna die next year." * Me: "Well how will my car know that it's the year 2000?" * Him: "...How will what...?" * Me: "If my car is gonna die in the year 2000, how will it know that it's the year 2000? There is nowhere in a car's electronics that you'll find reference to a date. The only thing it needs to know is the time of day to display on the radio." * Him: (pause) "You sure?" ======= I have a friend who is convinced that the Y2K bug is going to kill cars dead in their tracks. No matter how many times I explain to him that there are no date-related systems running the engine, he remains unconvinced. * Him: "Yeah, but the engine uses timing, and that has a clock in it, and all computer clocks use a date, so it's gonna be affected by the Y2K bug." All attempts to let him know that the clock in the engine only measures from one millisecond to the next and isn't concerned about the date have no effect. ======= I recently wrote an article about Y2K. A frustrated engineer from an oil company wrote to tell me about his company's Y2K committee and some of the precautions/actions they had taken. Apparently, the committee members were impressed with their "brilliance," because they had discovered an even bigger danger than Y2K: if the computers couldn't tell what century it was, how would they know whether it was 2000 BC or AD? They immediately set the engineers to work on this new peril. ======= I was in a Walmart store last night and noticed a modem on the shelf labeled "Y2K and MP3" compatible. I laughed that a modem would be labeled "MP3 compatible." A passing customer asked what was so funny, and I pointed to the sign. "MP3!" the customer bellowed. "They're worried about the year 3000? What the heck do I care if this crap works 1000 years from now!?" ======= When told about Netscape 3.0's email not working past the year 2000, a co-worker angerly responded, "That's stupid. You know, it's been running just fine for about two years now." ======= * Tech Support: "No, ma'am. If your computer is six years old, it will need a serial mouse, not a PS2." * Customer: "PS2? Oh! Like Y2K. So this other mouse isn't Y2K-compatible?" ======= Some friends of mine were bored and wandering around in some big chain store when they saw what was labeled as a Y2K-compliant flashlight. The only thing I can't figure out is whether this was just stupidity or clever marketing aimed at stupid people. ======= At a hospital, I spotted an electronic scale that had a red tag hanging from it saying, "Y2K Compliant." Nice to know we won't suddenly all weigh thousands of pounds, or nothing at all, come 2000. ======= I was about to move, and I was holding a yard sale to get rid of the excess junk I had collected during four years in my old apartment. Among these was an old sewing machine. It wasn't a fancy electronic machine, but one of those old green ones made in the 70s. A lady walked up to me to ask about it. With a very stern look, she said, "Is this sewing machine Y2K compliant?" ======= Recently we had an order for a bunch cabling work. The customer specified that the cables must be Y2K compliant. ======= In 1999, I saw an advertisement for "special" automobile jumper cables that would make your car Y2K-compliant. The ad said you just needed jump-start your car with them using a Y2K-compliant car as the booster, and your car would become Y2K compliant! Of course, they cost twice what "regular" jumper cables cost. ======= I was looking for something on the web once and happened across the web site of a major electronics manufacturer. I noticed a graphic at the bottom of one of their product description pages that said that the product was Y2K compliant. Exploring further, I discovered that all their product description pages had the Y2K compliant graphic, including the pages for bread slicers and can openers. What next? Y2K compliant salt and pepper shakers? ======= I work in a Adminstration Office in Holland and one customer called me, very concerned: * Me: "What's your problem?" * Her: "I just renamed my password within Windows NT. It's now 'december99'." * Me: "Ok. What is your problem with that?" * Her: "Shouldn't it be 'december1999'?" * Me: "Ehh? Why? * Her: "I think you better change it for me to 'december1999'." * Me: "Is there a problem to keep it like it is?" * Her: "I don't know -- you're the expert. I just want to make sure it is millennium-proof." ======= Our organization wanted all users to test for Y2K errors by having the systems set to one minute before midnight, Dec 31, 1999, and verify that there was a correct roll-over. * User: "Something is not right here. I have been testing for Y2K roll-over, after 4 hours, I have not had one successful roll-over yet!" * Me: "Are all the systems identical?" * User: "No, that's what puzzles me." * Me: "Ok, let's go through it together." (we step through the test) "Ok, now double click on the hours and change them to 11." * User: "Eleven?? Why eleven? Aren't we supposed to set it to twelve hours, fifty nine minutes?" * Me: "Well...midnight does come just after 11:59...." * User: "Man, no wonder they were all failing!" ======= In the latter part of 1998, one of my friends became interested in the Y2K bug. I decided to print out some information to give to him. When I dropped off the copies on the way home, my friend's neighbor was also paying a visit. Eyeing the stack of papers, he asked what they were about. I quickly launched into what I thought was a brief but accurate explanation of the problem. The neighbor seemed to understand and even asked a few intelligent questions -- but then he gave me a thoughtful/worried expression and asked, "But shouldn't they be fixing the '99 bug first?" ======= * Me: "So what do you think of the Y2K problem?" * My Coach: "The what?" * Me: "The Y-2-K problem. What do you think about it?" * My Coach: "What is Y2K?" * Me: "Y2K, you know, the year 2000 problem?" * My Coach: "Oh yeah, I know something about that." * Me: "So do you think that this is going to be a big problem?" * My Coach: "Of course not! If Bill Gates can write Windows 98 all by himself, then he's going to be able to fix the problem on time." ======= * Customer: "What's going to happen to my computer when the year 2000 hits? Will it just not work anymore, or what?" * Tech Support: "Actually, the year 2000 problem is this: it seems most of the computer code up until recently had been written assuming that the first two digits in the year of any date were "19." So basically, some of these applications, when the year 2000 rolls around, will reflect "1900," rather than "2000." Of course, there weren't any computers around in the year 1900, and so your computer will simply disappear." After looking very concerned for a few seconds and saying nothing, I reassured him I was joking. ======= The Year 2000 Problem as described by WXIA-TV, Atlanta, July 10, 1998: "You open your eyes, slowly waking up. It's Saturday, January 1st, 2000. What time is it? You look at your bedside clock, but it's blank. Is the power off? You check your digital watch. It's blank, too. The coffee maker, which runs on computer microchips just like your wristwatch, doesn't work. The same for the microwave oven and the stove. Your three-year-old computer-controlled car won't start." These were the exact words, transcribed from videotape. ======= Our employer asked us to unplug all non-essential electrical equipment including computers before December 31, 1999, just in case. Since I was going to be out of town on December 30, I asked one of the more computer literate faculty members to unplug the servers for me. When I came back in on January 2, 2000, I noticed that he had been extra safe. Not only had he unplugged the surge suppressors from the wall, but he also unplugged all items from the surge suppressor itself. ======= When I was still in the military, back in 1999, I was on the Y2K compliance committee that the base formed. As part of my job, I was told to send a letter to every department on the base and receive a reply back from them on their preparation and readiness for Y2K. If they failed to respond, I was to follow up with another letter. If that didn't work, it would go to the Base Commander and he would get involved. Some fun right? Well, the base had just had some new contracting work done. And I was told to include the people who'd done the work on the list. This was the letter I got back from the contractors. With regard to your letter concerning the effects of the "Y2K" phenomenon, it is our belief that the sewer lines we installed at your facility will continue to function in spite of any chronological tracking system's arbitrary recognition of any particular day, including but not limited to January 1, 2000, albeit, the Gregorian, ecclesiastical, or even the obscure Stonehenge-based Druidic Calendar. However, should the sun's rise or setting on any day affect the Newtonian laws of physics with regards to the gravitational fields, then not only will we all either fly off into space, or be crushed into the Earth with unimaginable pressure, but the contents of the sewer main and the mains themselves will also be subjected to the same fate, or maybe not. Please contact this office at extension XXXX if you require any additional information. ======= Our company's website has a section for press releases that's automatically updated. On January 2, 2000, it proudly presented the following: 29.12.99 (...some headline...) 29.12.99 (...some headline...) 30.12.99 (...some headline...) 02.01.100 Success! No Y2K bugs! ======= I was on call on the evening of December 31, 1999, in order to deal with any Y2K issues that might arise. So I'd be forewarned about possible problems, I spent most of the evening checking websites in the eastern hemisphere, where they'd get hit before we did here in Britain. At one point, I found a site in New Zealand displaying a message: "Welcome to Wellington Airport. All systems are working OK; no Y2K problems. This bulletin posted at 0100 January 1st 104."