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5 ways to make the world a better (or funnier) place

Written by: Malik

I recently had a really bad day. It was not one of those "oh, please let this day be over with"-days but rather a "hey, what is wrong with this world"-day. By the end of the day I had figured out lots of ways to make the world better. However, some of them will only make it better from my point of view (obviously) and I was too lazy to perform them anyway. Since I am very bored at the moment and need a reason to not practice for my upcoming German test, I will write down some of the things I found out. Hopefully it will entertain, offend or inspire someone. Some of the ideas might only work in Sweden, but some of them will do in any country. Anyway, here we go.

1. Lower taxes/subsidize alcohol for youngsters

Ever noticed how alcohol tends to lower people's standards? A considerably intoxicated male will show interest in even very ugly girls, and since that is what a girl with low self-esteem probably wants more than most things, one can conclude that alcohol helps the ugly. Remember, ugly girls need love too. When a girl drinks alcohol, she'll be considerably easier too convince that you are really sexy or whatever. That's a good thing too, especially if you don't consider yourself very attractive when you're not drunk.

Lower taxes would make more people drunk, and thus increase the frequency of love in the society and that is why lower taxes on alcohol stands as number 1 on my list over good things to do to make the society better.

2. Provide bus drivers with "feel good"-pills

Everyone who has travelled by bus for a decent period of time has encountered a bus driver who was about as pleasant as an angry polar bear in your living room. I can understand this because some people are just a pain in the ass and they seem to appear frequently on buses. To help bus drivers to better cope with these people it would be good if they received some kind of drugs to get in a better mood while driving.

This would make the mornings of many students who travel to school by bus a lot more pleasant. In addition, we would get a lot of videos of strange and funny ways of driving published on the Internet.

3. Get communists and environmentalists to wear better clothes

You know them, you laugh at them, and sometimes you might even have teased them. (Yeah, and I know what you like to do to young, naive commie chix0rs... :) --ed.) You might enjoy it at first, but just like a very sweet soda it gets too much after a while and eventually you'll start to get really annoyed at those unwashed and somewhat slightly ugly things they wear.

However, everything is not bad, YOU can do something about it. If you, like me, don'tt really like to break laws if you can get caught easily your options are somewhat narrowed down. The most obvious way to do something is probably to just tell them to their face what they look like, however, this method has only had moderate or low success because of communists' ways of assuming that you are a neo-nazi or big company hot shot if you don't agree with them. Your best shot at getting them to dress properly is to convince them that the workers that make Nike make more money and have nicer working conditions then those who create whatever bad excuse for a garment they currently are wearing. You could also try to get their clothes of, do whatever people do when they are naked and then wake up early the next morning and simply grab the clothes and hide them somewhere. However, that is not recommended if you have any kind of standards.

4. Move from Sweden

Now, Sweden is a nice country that has beautiful nature full of stupid animals and trees that are really tall and stuff. However, if you do anything someone considers worth paying for and they actually pay you for it, the government takes a lot of that money and uses it for all kinds of funny things. However, these things are sometimes really stupid, like when someone gets to do an investigation and then concludes something like "oh my god, we need an organization to get this thing done" and later becomes the head of said organization. Then they don't get it done anyway and thus a new investigation is started. Then it's just getting worse.

This annoys me very much and since I do not believe that a country in which I am annoyed can be very good, it might be best if you just like moved away from here or stopped making so much money that they can take it from you to make investigations. (So, become a full-time student leech, it's really one of the best careers available in Sweden --ed.)

5. Please don't look at any movies where the seemingly invincible enemy gets defeated

Everyone knows these movies. The über-evil guy has a plan that can't fail, the über-boring hero tries to stop it anyway. He knows he can't win, or everyone else knows it, but he fights and he can't really accept it when he's defeated. Then the bad guy screws up beyond imagination, or God helps the hero, or the movie sucks so much that you don't really know what happened 'cause you turned it off before the end. Anyway, the hero wins and the message is that the good side always wins and that alcohol is very, very, very evil. In short: These movies suck!

I recommend you to stop paying for stupid and sucky movies. This way, the stupid and untalented people that make the movies might stop making them and get drunk instead. That is a good thing and if you don't think so, just check out my first point again.

That's all for this issue, guess I'll be back.

// Malik

Copyright 2005, EuroHacker Magazine