| Previous | EuroHacker Magazine, issue #3 | Next |
Written by Malik
This is a guide. Not humor. A guide. Not something that our dear editor can put under humor and consider dealt with. No, this is a real guide. It has a beginning, some kind of logic and a whole lot else that makes it superior to a common rant. Believe me. It's very good. I'll send the feminazis after the editor if this gets published under humor.
Anyway, a very common place to begin is in the beginning. When you think about it, that's really neat and I'll therefore be mainstream and actually begin there (notice that I used the word "mainstream" just to show that I'm dead-on serious). Feminists are fun, they might be a big part of what's ruining our society, but they're fun. Also, even though most feminists are quite a bit unattractive due to various parts of hair in places on their body where most guys consider it better to be hairless, they are most often not that fat, which is a good thing. Body hair can also be taken care of. Overall, feminists are the best women to date.
About here all decently sane male individuals of the species homo sapiens will choke and conclude that I'm a freakin' fruit or just out of my mind. However, that is not true, at least not the first part. I will now tell you why feminists are the greatest girls.
1. All girls are whiney bitches who will use you as soon as they get the chance. The difference with feminists is that they're honest about it, only, the do not call it "use" but rather "equality". Also, when they ask you to do something, you can often get them to do it themselves simply by stating that "you're a strong women, you shouldn't be dependent on a guy like me" or in severe cases "you know, that's the kind of things that creates the gender barrier".
2. A feminist will pay for herself, which will make sure that even if you don't get into her pants you have not lost anything but your time. Come on, if you hadn't had coffee/drinks/whatever with her chances are that you would have spent the evening on your fat ass in front of a computer trying to write something witty or reach a higher level in WoW. Umm, that reminds me that I'll have to get a date soon.
3. A feminist is easily manipulated and wants to prove that she likes sex just as much as the next girl, that feminists are cool and other crazy shit no one believes. You can use that. You know how. And if you don't, well, let's just say that you should imagine yourself naked in a big room with many people standing around you pointing and laughing.
That's all for this part. In the next part I'll teach you some techniques that might prove useful to actually score with one of these girls. You probably only get people to laugh at you, but that's not my problem.
First of all: some words about my grammar and spelling. I don't care that much about it. From now on, I'll just assume that everyone who accuses me of crappy writing is gay. That's much easier than caring. (I'm the one who has to clean up your fucking mess every month *sigh* --ed.)
The first step to get a date with someone, or for that matter get anything from anyone, is more often than not to get his or her attention. Male feminists are often pussies, but you shouldn't date them anyway because it another kind of pussy you should hunt for. Also, it's not recommended to pull someone's hair, grab someone's boobs or walk up to them and tell them how much you care about the inside of the person in question and that you totally respect that porn should be prohibited. The first will make you at least a head shorter and the last one will make you come off as a slightly creepy wuss with a defect penis. In most situations a simple "hi" will do and then you'll have to talk about something or something until you can find a good way to say something that will piss her of just enough to get her a little angry but not enough for her to hit you with a baseball bat. That line might be slim if she's a really devoted feminist, but do your best and wear a helmet if it doesn't look too stupid. Have a discussion, be somewhat nice but not too nice and when you get a chance, try to imply that she should look at your face and not your well-built upper body or something. That's good 'cause that will imply that she's just talking to you because of your looks and not because of your brains. Then you can continue to say thing like "I'm so tired of girls who just wants me for my looks", "I've got a brain too!" and such and add an "I thought you would understand... Bye." and then leave.
Then a couple of different things can happen:
1. If she just laughs at you, then laugh with her so that she'll see how very funny you are. Tease her for not figuring out your joke out sooner.
2. You leave, she'll be confused and she'll probably be a bit insecure. That's good, because you'll have the upper hand next time you to talk.
3. She will never speak to you again, but tell yourself that she's ugly and stupid and it won't hurt you. After all, she's a feminist, right?
-Funny things to do with your date-
We all know those feminists are fun. But they're not fun in the way that you laugh with them, but rather at them. To amplify the amount of laughter you can do a few things, and I'll list some of those here.
1. Ask them if they want to see some porn OR go see the latest Star Wars movie.
That one is kind of evil, cause 'most feminist hate both and aren't smart enough to simply reply with a "no" to both. They'll never agree to watch porn either so the only option left is to hit you with a heavy object or agree to see Star Wars. If they choose Star Wars, well, you get to see a nice movie and everything is fine. If they choose that heavy object, you can always sue or blackmail them.
2. Go shop clothes with them.
Naturally, try to pick out shops with a lot of sexist and/or BDSM-related stuff. A feminist doesn't want you to believe she's prudish and will therefore try to fit in. They will look really awkward and stupid and probably realise that too. If you're really lucky they'll even try to make up for their poor performance with the shopping by trying to act less feminazi-like when it comes to sex sometime. I wouldn't bet on that, though.
3. Ask for a threesome.
After all, she's a feminist and therefore at least half-lesbian, right?
4. Just laugh at her.
She's a feminist, right?
5. Save yourself.
Like, stop doing what my guides suggest because they're obviously retarded and even though I guess some feminist might give excellent head they're fuckin' crazy and might think you're a part of a Satanistic paedophile network just for watching "Interview with the vampire". Stop dating that feminist, go get drunk and pick up some random girl without hair under her arms.